UC- 


SB    155 


•  --  m:vM; 


.•5,.  «**v' 


LIBRARY    OF   Till- 


University  of  California 


C1KCULA  TIXG     BRANCH. 


Return  in  *WK>  week^  :  or  &  week  before  the  end  of  the  wrm. 


,  .,,T, 


THE  LITTLE  MAN  IN  BLACK. 

Engraved  ly  ANDEBSOK,  from  the  original  Drawing. 


Salmagundi. 


LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,  Esq. 


NEW  YORK: 
G.  P.  PUTNAM  &  Co.,  321  BROADWAY. 

1857. 


SALMAGUOI; 


OB,  THE 


WHIM- WHAMS  AND  OPINIONS 


LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,  ESQ., 

AND 


In  hoc  est  hoax,  cum  quiz  et  jokesez, 
Et  sinokem,  toastem,  roastera  folksez, 

Fee,  faw,  fum.  Psalmanaear. 

"With  baked  and  broiled,  and  stewed  and  toasted; 
And  fried  and  broiled,  and  smoked,  and  roasted, 

Wo  treat  the  town. 


NEW  YORK: 

G-.  P.  PUTNAM  &  CO.,  321  BROADWAY. 
18-57. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  185T,  by 

G.  P.  PUTNAM, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the 
Southern  District  of  NewJT  ovk. 


PRINTED  BY  R.  CRAIQHBAD, 

Caiton  33uiltrins, 

,   83,   and  85  Centre   Street. 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS. 


PAGI 
NG.  I— Editor's  Advertisement, \ 

Publisher's  Notice,             8 

Introduction  to  the  "Work,         ....  9 

Theatrics.     By  Will  Wizard,     .         .         .         .13 

New  York  Assembly.     By  A.  Evergreen,          .  15 

NO.  II. — Launcelot  Langstaffs  Account  of  his  Friends,   .  18 

Mr.  Wilson's  Concert.     By  A.  Evergreen,          .  21 

NO.  III.— Account  of  Mustapha  Kub-a-Dub  Keli  Khan,   .  29 

Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-a-Dub  Keli  Khan  to 

Asem  Hacchem, 30 

Fashions.     By  A.  Evergreen,    .         .         .         .33 

Fashionable  Morning  Dress  for  Walking,  .         .  34 

The  Progress  of  Salmagundi,     ....  35 
Poetical  Proclamation.     From  the  Mill  of  Pindar 

Cockloft,  Esq., 37 

NO.  IV. — Some  Account  of  Jeremy  Cockloft  the  Younger,  40 
Memorandums  for  a  Tour  to  be  entitled  "The 
Stranger  in  New  Jersey,  or,  Cockney  Travel 
ling."     By  Jeremy  Cockloft  the  Younger,       .  42 
NO.  Y. — Introduction  to  a  Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-a- 
Dub  Keli  Khan,    ...                           .  47 
Letter  from  Mustapha  to  Abdallah    Eb'n  al 

Rahab, 47 

Account  of  Will  Wizard's  Expedition  to  a  Mo 
dern  Ball.     By  A.  Evergreen,        ...  53 
Poetical  Epistle  to  the  Ladies.     From  the  Mill 

of  Pindar  Cockloft,  Esq.,         ....  57 

NO.  VI. — Account  of  the  Family  of  the  Cocklofts,     .         .  60 

Theatrics.     By  Will  Wizard,  Esq.,    ...  67 
NO.  VII. — Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-a-Dub  Keli  Khan  to 

Asem  Hacchem, 72 

Poetical  Account  of  Ancient  Times.     From  the 

Mill  of  Pindar  Cockloft,  Esq.,         .         .         .78 

Notes  on  the  Above.     By  W.  Wizard,  Esq.,      .  80 
NO.  VIII. — Anthony  Evergreen's  Account  of    his  Friend 

Langstaff, 83 

On  Style.     By  William  Wizard,  Esq.,        .         .  88 

The  Editors  and  the  Public,       ....  92 
NO.  IX.— Account  of  Miss  Charity  Cockloft.     From  the 

Elbow  Chair  of  the  Author,  ....  95 
Letter   from  Rub-a-Dub  Keli  Khan   to  Asem 

Hacchem, 100 

Poetry.     From  the  Mill  of  Pindar  Cockloft,  Esq.,  1 05 


Viii  CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

NO.  X. — Introduction  to  the  Number,          .         .         .110 
Letter  from  Demi  Semiquaver  to  Launcelot 

Langstaff,  Esq. Ill 

Note.     By  the  Publisher,       .         .         .         .115 
NO.  XI. — Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-a-Dub  Keli  Khan 

to  Asem  Ilacchem, 117 

Account  of  "  Mine  Uncle  John,"  .         .         .123 
NO.  XII. — Christopher  Cockloft's  Company,    .         .         .129 
The  Stranger  at  Home ;  or,  a  Tour  iff  Broad 
way.     By  Jeremy  Cockloft  the  Younger,    .     134 
Introduction  to  Pindar  Cockloft's  Poem,         .     139 
A  Poem,  from  the  Mill  of  Pindar  Cockloft,  Esq.,     140 
NO.  XIII  —Introduction  to  Will  Wizard's  Plan  for  defend 
ing  our  Harbor, 143 

"Plans  for  defending  our  Harbor,"  by  Wil 
liam  Wizard,  Esq., 145 

A  Retrospect;  or,  "  What  You  Will,"  ,        .150 
To  Readers  and  Correspondents,    .         .        .156 
NO.  XIY.— Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-a-Dub  Keli  Khan 

to  Asem  Hacchem, 158 

Cockloft  Hall.     By  L.  Langstaff,    .         .         .164 
Theatrical  Intelligence.     By  William  Wizard, 

Esq., 170 

NO.  XV.— Sketches  from  Nature.  By  A.  Evergreen,  Gent.,    173 
On  Greatness.     By  L.  Langstaff,  Esq.,  .         .177 
NO.  XVL— Style  at  Ballston.     By  W.  Wizard,  Esq.,        .     183 
From  Mustapha  Rub-a-Dub  Keli  Khan,  to 

Asem  Hacchem, 187 

NO.  XVII. — Autumnal  Reflections.     By  Launcelot  Lang- 
staff,  Esq., 194 

Description  of  the  Library  at  Cockloft  Hall. 

By  L.  Langstaff, 197 

Chap.  CIX.  of  the  Chronicles  of  the  Renowned 

and  Ancient  City  of  Gotham,      .         .         .200 
NO.  XVIII. — The  Little  Man  in  Black.   By  Launcelot  Lang- 
staff,  Esq., 205 

Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-a-Dub  Keli  Khan 

to  Asem  Hacchem, 210 

NO.  XIX. — Introduction  to  the  Number,          .        .        .215 
Letter  from  Rub-a-Dub  Keli  Khan  to  Muley 

Helim  al  Raggi, 216 

Anthony  Evergreen's   Introduction    to    the 

"  Winter  Campaign,"          ....     222 
Tea.     A  Poem  from  the  Mill  of  Pindar  Cock 
loft,  Esq., 226 

NO.  XX.— On  the  New  Year, 230 

To  the  Ladies.    From  A.  Evergreen,  Gent.,  .     235 
Farewell  Address, 239 


[For  the  following  references  to  "  Salmagundi," 
the  publishers  are  indebted  to  the  proof  sheets  of  the 
article  on  WASHINGTON  IRVING,  in  Allibone's  forth 
coming  "  Critical  Dictionary  of  Authors^  &c.] 

"  "We  all  remember  the  success  of  Salmagundi,  to  which  he  was 
a  large  and  distinguished  contributor ;  with  what  rapidity  and  to 
what  extent  it  circulated  through  America ;  how  familiar  it  made 
us  with  the  local  pleasantry,  and  the  personal  humors  of  New 
York,  and  what  an  abiding  influence  it  has  had  in  that  city,  by 
forming  a  sort  of  school  of  wit  of  a  character  somewhat  marked 
and  peculiar,  and  superior  to  every  thing  our  country  has  witness 
ed  except  perhaps  that  of  the  wits  of  the  Anarchiad  in  Connec 
ticut." — Edward  Everett :  1ST.  Amer.  Rev.  xv,  206,  July,  1822. 

"  We  have  no  hesitation  in  saying  at  the  outset,  that  we  con 
sider  the  good  papers  of  Salmagundi,  and  the  greater  part  of  Knick 
erbocker,  superior  to  the  Sketch  Book It  [Salmagundi] 

was  exceedingly  pleasant  morning  or  after-dinner  reading,  never 
taking  up  too  much  of  a  gentleman's  time  from  his  business  and 
pleasures,  nor  so  exalted  and  spiritualized  as  to  seem  mystical  to 

his  far  reaching  vision Though  its  wit  is  sometimes  forced, 

and  its  serious  style  sometimes  false,  upon  looking  it  over,  we 
have  found  it  full  of  entertainment,  with  an  infinite  variety  of 
characters  and  circumstances,  and  with  that  amiable,  good-natured 
wit  and  pathos,  which  show  that  the  heart  has  not  grown  hard 
while  making  merry  of  the  world." — Richard  H.  Darta,  Senior, 
N.  A.  Rev.  ix.  323,  334,  344,  345,  Sept.  1819. 

"  The  better  pieces  are  written  in  Mr.  Irving's  best  manner. 
Take  it  altogether,  it  was  certainly  a  production  of  extraordinary 
merit,  and  was  instantaneously  and  universally  recognised  as  such 
by  the  public.  It  wants  of  course  the  graver  merits  of  the  modem 
British  collections  of  Essays:  but  for  spirit,  effect,  and  actual 
literary  value,  we  doubt  whether  any  publication  of  the  class 


since  '  The  Spectator,  upon  which  it  is  directly  modelled,  can 
fairly  be  put  in  competition  with  it." — Alexander  H.  Everett,  N.  A. 
Eev.  xxviii.  116,  Jan.  1829. 

"It  was  in  form  and  method  of  publication  imitated  from  the 
'Spectator,'  but  in  details,  spirit,  and  aim,  so  exquisitely  adapted 
to  the  latitude  of  New  York,  that  its  appearance  was  hailed  with 
a  delight  hitherto  unknown ;  it  was,  in  fact,  a  complete  triumph 
of  local  genius." — Henry  T.  Tuckerman :  Sketch  of  Amer.  Lit. 

"  In  this  work  we  are  introduced  to  the  watering-places,  balls, 
elections,  reviews,  and  coteries  of  the  daughter  country,  and  par 
ticularly  of  New  York,  the  centre  of  its  fashion,  in  a  style  of  un 
sparing  and  broad  humor,  infinitely  outdoing  any  liberties  which 
Mathews  thought  fit  to  take  with  his  hospitable  entertainers,  and 
reflecting  some  credit  on  the  good  temper  which  was  shown  by 
its  reception That  '  Salmagundi '  owes  its  principal  pre 
tensions  to  Mr.  Irving's  exertions  we  are  the  more  inclined  to 
conclude  from  the  evidence  of  a  work  in  which,  not  very  long 
afterwards,  he  tried  his  strength  single-handed,  under  the  title  of 
'Knickerbocker's  Humorous  History  of  New  York." — Lon.  Quart. 
Rev.  xxxi.  474,  475,  March,  1825. 

"  The  production  of  Paulding,  Irving,  Yerplanck,*  and  perhaps 
of  others,  in  partnership : — the  papers  of  Paulding  are  more  sar 
castic,  ill-natured,  acrimonious — bitter,  than  those  of  Irving;  but 
quite  as  able.  Those  by  Yerplanck,  we  do  not  know:  we  have 
only  heard  of  him,  as  one  of  the  writers.  It  is  a  work  in  two  vo: 
lumes  duodecimo ;  essays,  after  the  manner  of  Goldsmith — a  down 
right,  secret,  labored,  continual  imitation  of  him — abounding,  too, 
in  plagiarisms :  the  title  is  from  our  English  FLIM  FLAMS  ;  oriental 
papers — the  little  man  in  black,  &c.,  &c.,  from  the  Citizen  of  the 
"World.  Parts  are  capital :  as  a  whole,  the  work  is  quite  superior 
to  anything  of  the  kind  which  this  age  has  produced." — Ameri 
can  Writers  No.  IY.,  Blaclcwood's  Magazine,  Jan.  1825,  17  :  61. 

*  An  error :  Mr  Yerplanck  had  no  part  in  the  work. — PUBLISHER. 


SALMAGUNDI. 


No.  I.— SATURDAY,  JANUARY  24,  1807. 

As  everybody  knows,  or  ought  to  know,  what  a  SALMAGUNDI 
is,  we  shall  spare  ourselves  the  trouble  of  an  explanation — be 
sides,  we  despise  trouble  as  we  do  everything  that  is  low  and 
mean ;  and  hold  the  man  who  would  incur  it  unnecessarily,  as  an 
object  worthy  our  highest  pity  and  contempt.  Neither  will  we 
puzzle  our  heads  to  give  an  account  of  ourselves,  for  two  reasons ; 
first,  because  it  is  nobody's  business ;  secondly,  because  if  it  were, 
we  do  not  hold  ourselves  bound  to  attend  to  anybody's  business 
but  our  own ;  and  even  that  we  take  the  liberty  of  neglecting 
when  it  suits  our  inclination.  To  these  we  might  add  a  third, 
that  very  few  men  can  give  a  tolerable  account  of  themselves,  let 
them  try  ever  so  hard ;  but  this  reason,  we  candidly  avow,  would 
not  hold  good  with  ourselves. 

There  are,  however,  two  or  three  pieces  of  information  which 
we  bestow  gratis  on  the  public,  chiefly  because  it  suits  our  own 
pleasure  and  convenience  that  they  should  be  known,  and  partly 
because  we  do  not  wish  that  there  should  be  any  ill  will  between 
us  at  the  commencement  of  our  acquaintance. 

Our  intention  is  simply  to  instruct  the  young,  reform  the  old, 
correct  the  town,  and  castigate  the  age ;  this  is  an  arduous  task, 
and  therefore  we  undertake  it  with  confidence.  "We  intend  for 
this  purpose  to  present  a  striking  picture  of  the  town ;  and  as 
everybody  is  anxious  to  see  his  own  phiz  on  canvass,  however 
stupid  or  ugly  it  may  be,  we  have  no  doubt  but  the  whole  town 
will  flock  to  our  exhibition.  Our  picture  will  necessarily  include 
a  vast  variety  of  figures ;  and  should  any  gentleman  or  lady  bo 
displeased  with -the  inveterate  truth  of  their  likenesses,  they  may 
ease  their  spleen  by  laughing  at  those  of  their  neighbors — this 
being  what  we  understand  by  POETICAL  JUSTICE. 

Like  all  true  and  able  editors,  we  consider  ourselves  infallible, 
and  therefore,  with  the  customary  diffidence  of  our  brethren  of  the 


8  SALMAGUNDI. 

quill,  we  shall  take  the  liberty  of  interfering  it  all  matters  either 
of  a  public  or  private  nature.  We  are  critics,  amateurs,  dilettanti, 
and  cognoscenti;  and  as  we  know  "by  the  pricking  of  our 
thumbs,"  that  every  opinion  which  we  may  advance  in  either  ot 
those  characters  will  be  correct,  we  are  determined,  though  it 
may  be  questioned,  contradicted,  or  even  controverted,  yet  it  shall 
never  be  revoked. 

We  beg  the  public  particularly  to  understand,  that  we  solicit  no 
patronage.  We  are  determined,  on  the  contrary,  that  the  patron 
age  shall  be  entirely  on  our  side.  We  have  nothing  to  do  with 
the  pecuniary  concerns  of  the  paper;  its  success  will  yield  us 
neither  pride  nor  profit — nor  will  its  failure  occasion  to  us  either 
loss  or  mortification.  We  advise  the  public,  therefore,  to  pur 
chase  our  numbers  merely  for  their  own  sakes: — if  they  do  not, 
let  them  settle  the  affair  with  their  consciences  and  posterity. 

To  conclude,  we  invite  all  editors  of  newspapers  and  literary 
journals,  to  praise  us  heartily  in  advance,  as  we  assure  them  that 
we  intend  to  deserve  their  praises.  To  our  next  door  neighbor, 
"  Town,"  we  hold  out  a  hand  of  amity,  declaring  to  him  that, 
after  ours,  his  paper  will  stand  the  best  chance  for  immortality. 
We  proffer  an  exchange  of  civilities ;  he  shall  furnish  us  with  no 
tices  of  epic  poems  and  tobacco ; — and  we  in  return  will  enrich 
him  with  original  speculations  on  all  manner  of  subjects ;  together 
with  "the  rummaging  of  my  grandfather's  mahogany  chest  of 
drawers,"  "the  life  and  amours  of  mine  uncle  John,"  "anecdotes 
of  the  Cockloft  family,"  and  learned  quotations  from  that  unheard 
of  writer  of  folios,  Lirikum  Fiddius. 


PUBLISHER'S  NOTICE. 

This  work  will  be  published  and  sold  by  D.  Longworth.  It 
will  be  printed  on  hot-pressed  vellum  paper,  as  that  is  held  in 
highest  estimation  for  buckling  up  young  ladies'  hair — a  purpose 
to  which  similar  works  are  usually  appropriated;  it  will  be  a 
small  neat  duodecimo  size,  so  that  when  enough  numbers  are 
written,  it  may  form  a  volume  sufficiently  portable  to  be  carried 
in  old  ladies'  pockets  and  young  ladies'  work-bags. 

As  the  above  work  will  not  come  out  at  stated  periods,  notice 
•will  be  given  when  another  number  will  be  published.  The  price 
will  depend  on  the  size  of  the  number,  and  must  be  paid  on  de 
livery.  The  publisher  professes  the  same  sublime  contempt  for 
money  as  his  authors.  The  liberal  patronage  bestowed  by  his 
discerning  fellow- citizens  on  various  works  of  taste  which  he  has 
published,  has  left  him  no  inclination  to  ask  for  further  favors  at 


SALMAGUNDI. 


their  hands :  and  he  publishes  this  work  in  the  mere  hope  of  re 
quiting  their  bounty.* 


FROM    THE    ELBOW-CHAIR    OF    LAUNCELOT    LANG- 
STAFF,   ESQ. 

WE  were  a  considerable  time  in  deciding  whether  we  should 
be  at  the  pains  of  introducing  ourselves  to  the  public.  As  we 
care  for  nobody,  and  as  we  are  not  yet  at  the  bar,  we  do  not  feel 
bound  to  hold  up  our  hands  and  answer  to  our  names. 

Willing,  however,  to  gain  at  once  that  frank,  confidential  foot 
ing,  which  we  are  certain  of  ultimately  possessing  in  this,  doubt 
less,  "best  of  all  possible  cities;"  and  anxious  to  spare  its  worthy 
inhabitants  the  trouble  of  making  a  thousand  wise  conjectures, 
not  one  of  which  would  be  worth  a  "  tobacco-stopper,"  we  have 
thought  it  in  some  degree  a  necessary  exertion  of  charitable  con 
descension  to  furnish  them  with  a  slight  clue  to  the  truth. 

Before  we  proceed  further,  however,  we  advise  everybody, 
man,  woman,  and  child,  that  can  read,  or  get  any  friend  to  read 
for  them,  to  purchase  this  paper: — not  that  we  write  for  money; 
— for,  in  common  with  all  philosophical  wiseacres,  from  Solomon 
downwards,  we  hold  it  in  supreme  contempt.  The  public  are 
welcome  to  buy  this  work,  or  not ;  just  as  they  choose.  If  it  be 
purchased  freely,  so  much  the  better  for  the  public — and  the 
publisher : — we  gain  not  a  stiver.  If  it  be  not  purchased  we  give 
fair  warning — we  shall  burn  all  our  essays,  critiques,  and  epi 
grams,  in  one  promiscuous  blaze ;  and,  like  the  books  of  the  sybils 
and  the  Alexandrian  library,  they  will  be  lost  for  ever  to  posterity. 
For  the  sake,  therefore,  of  our  publisher,  for  the  sake  of  the 
public,  and  for  the  sake  of  the  public's  children  to  the  nineteenth 
generation,  we  advise  them  to  purchase  our  paper.  We  beg  the 
respectable  old  matrons  of  this  city  not  to  be  alarmed  at  the 
appearance  we  make ;  we  are  none  of  those  outlandish  geniuses 
who  swarm  in  New  York,  who  live  by  their  wits,  or  rather  by 
the  little  wit  of  their  neighbors ;  and  who  spoil  the  genuine  honest 
American  tastes  of  their  daughters  with  French  slops  and  fricaseed 
sentiment. 

We  have  said  we  do  not  write  for  money; — neither  do  we 
write  for  fame : — we  know  too  well  the  variable  nature  of  public 
opinion,  to  build  our  hopes  upon  it — we  care  not  what  the  public 

*  It  was  not  originally  the  intention  of  the  authors  to  insert  the  above 
address  in  the  work ;  but,  unwilling  that  a  morceaii  so  precious  should  be 
lost  to  posterity,  they  have  been  induced  to  alter  their  minds.  This  will 
account  for  any  repetition  of  idea  that  may  appear  in  the  introductory  essay. 


10  SALMAGUNDI. 

think  of  us ;  and  we  suspect,  before  we  reach  the  tenth  number, 
they  will  not  know  what  to  think  of  us.  In  two  words — we  write 
for  no  other  earthly  purpose  but  to  please  ourselves — and  this  we 
shall  be  sure  of  doing;  for  we  are  all  three  of  us  determined 
beforehand  to  be  pleased  with  what  we  write.  If,  in  the  course 
of  this  work,  we  edify,  and  instruct,  and  amuse  the  public;  so 
much  the  better  for  the  public: — but  we  frankly  acknowledge 
that  so  soon  as  we  get  tired  of  reading  our  own  works,  we  shall 
discontinue  them  without  the  least  remorse,  whatever  the  public 
may  think  of  it.  "While  we  continue  to  go  on,  we  will  go  on 
merrily: — if  we  moralize,  it  shall  be  but  seldom;  and,  on  all 
occasions,  we  shah1  be  more  solicitous  to  make  our  readers  laugh 
than  cry ;  for  we  are  laughing  philosophers,  and  clearly  of  opinion, 
that  wisdom,  true  wisdom,  is  a  plump,  jolly  dame,  who  sits  in  her 
arm-chair,  laughs  right  merrily  at  the  farce  of  life — and  takes  the 
world  as  it  goes. 

We  intend  particularly  to  notice  the  conduct  of  the  fashionable 
world ;  nor  in  this  shall  we  be  governed  by  that  carping  spirit 
with  which  narrow-minded  book-worm  cynics  squint  at  the  little 
extravagancies  of  the  ton ;  but  with  that  liberal  toleration  which 
actuates  every  man  of  fashion.  While  we  keep  more  than  a 
Cerberus  watch  over  tho  guardian  rules  of  female  delicacy  and 
decorum — we  shall  not  discourage  any  little  sprightliness  of 
demeanor,  or  innocent  vivacity  of  character.  Before  we  advance 
one  line  further,  we  must  let  it  be  understood,  as  our  firm  opinion, 
void  of  all  prejudice  or  partiality,  that  the  ladies  of  New  York  are 
the  fairest,  the  finest,  the  most  accomplished,  tho  most  bewitch 
ing,  the  most  ineffable  beings  that  walk,  creep,  crawl,  swim,  fly, 
float,  or  vegetate  in  any  or  all  of  the  four  elements ;  and  that  they 
only  want  to  be  cured  of  certain  whims,  eccentricities,  and  un 
seemly  conceits,  by  our  superintending  cares,  to  render  them 
absolutely  perfect.  They  will,  therefore,  receive  a  large  portion 
of  those  attentions  directed  to  the  fashionable  world ;  nor  will  tho 
gentlemen  who  doze  away  their  time  in  the  circles  of  the  haul-ton, 
escape  our  currying.  We  mean  those  stupid  fellows  who  sit  stock- 
still  upon  their  chairs,  without  saying  a  word,  and  then  complain 
how  damned  stupid  it  was  at  Miss 's  party. 

This  department  will  be  under  the  peculiar  direction  and  con 
trol  of  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  gent.,  to  whom  all  communications 
on  this  subject  are  to  be  addressed.  This  gentleman,  from  his 
long  experience  in  the  routine  of  balls,  tea-parties,  and  assemblies, 
is  eminently  qualified  for  the  task  he  has  undertaken.  He  is  a 
kind  of  patriarch  in  the  fashionable  world ;  and  has  seen  genera 
tion  after  generation  pass  away  into  the  silent  tomb  of  matrimony 
while  he  remains  unchangeably  the  same.  He  can  recount  the 
amours  and  courtships  of  the  fathers,  mothers,  uncles  and  aunts, 
and  even  the  grandames,  of  all  the  belles  of  the  present  day ; 
provided  their  pedigrees  extend  so  far  back  without  being  lost 
in  obscurity.  As,  however,  treating  of  pedigrees  is  rather  an  un- 


SALMAGUNDI.  11 

grateful  task  in  this  city,  and  as  we  mean  to  be  perfectly  good- 
natured,  he  has  promised  to  be  cautious  in  this  particular.  He 
recollects  perfectly  the  time  when  young  ladies  used  to  go  sleigh- 
riding,  at  night,  without  their  mammas  or  grandmammas;  in 
short,  without  being  matronized  at  ah1 :  and  can  relate  a  thousand 
pleasant  stories  about  Eassing-bridge.  Ho  likewise  remembers 
the  time  when  ladies  paid  tea-visits,  at  three  in  the  afternoon, 
and  returned  before  dark  to  see  that  the  house  was  shut  up  and 
the  servants  on  duty.  He  has  often  played  cricket  in  the  orchard 
in  the  rear  of  old  Vauxhall,  and  remembers  when  the  BuU's-head 
was  quite  out  of  town.  Though  he  was  slowly  and  gradually 
given  into  modern  fashions,  and  still  flourishes  in  the  beau-monde, 
yet  he  seems  a  little  prejudiced  in  favor  of  the  dress  and  manners 
of  the  old  school ;  and  his  chief  commendation  of  a  new  mode  is, 
"  that  it  is  the  same  good  old  fashion  we  had  before  the  war." 
It  has  cost  us  much  trouble  to  make  him  confess  that  a  cotillion 
is  superior  to  a  minuet,  or  an  unadorned  crop  to  a  pig-tail  and 
powder.  Custom  and  fashion  have,  however,  had  more  effect  on 
him  than  all  our  lectures ;  and  he  tempers,  so  happily,  the  grave 
and  ceremonious  gallantry  of  the  old  school  with  the  "  hail-fellow" 
familiarity  of  the  new,  that,  we  trust,  on  a  little  acquaintance,  and 
making  allowance  for  his  old-fashioned  prejudices,  he  will  become 
a  very  considerable  favorite  with  our  readers — if  not,  the  worse 
for  themselves — as  they  will  have  to  endure  his  company. 

In  the  territory  of  criticism,  WILLIAM  WIZARD,  Esq.,  has  under 
taken  to  preside ;  and  though  we  may  all  dabble  in  it  a  little  by 
turns,  yet  we  have  willingly  ceded  to  him  ah1  discretionary  pow 
ers  in  this  respect.  Though  Will  has  not  had  the  advantage  of 
an  education  at  Oxford  or  Cambridge,  or  even  at  Edinburgh  or 
Aberdeen,  arid  though  he  is  but  little  versed  in  Hebrew,  yet  we 
have  no  doubt  he  will  be  found  fully  competent  to  the  undertak 
ing.  He  has  improved  his  taste  by  a  long  residence  abroad,  par 
ticularly  at  Canton,  Calcutta,  and  the  gay  and  polished  court  of 
Hay  ti.  He  has  also  had  an  opportunity  of  seeing  the  best  singing- 
girls  and  tragedians  of  China,  is  a  great  connoisseur  in  mandarine 
dresses,  and  porcelain,  and  particularly  values  himself  on  his  inti 
mate  knowledge  of  the  buffalo,  and  war  dances  of  the  northern 
Indians.  He  is  likewise  promised  the  assistance  of  a  gentleman, 
lately  from  London,  who  was  born  and  bred  in  that  centre  of  sci 
ence  and  bongout,  the  vicinity  of  Fleet-market,  where  he  has  been 
editied,  man  and  boy,  these  six-and-twenty  years,  with  the  har 
monious  jingle  of  Bow-bells.  His  taste,  therefore,  has  attained 
to  such  an  exquisite  pitch  of  refinement  that  there  are  few  exhi 
bitions  of  any  kind  which  do  not  put  him  in  a  fever.  He  has 
assured  Will,  that  if  Mr.  Cooper  emphasises  "and"  instead  of 
"  but,"  or  Mrs.  Oldmixon  pins  her  kerchief  a  hair's  breadth  awry — 
or  Mrs.  Barley  offers  to  dare  to  look  less  than  the  "  daughter  of  a 
senator  of  Venice" — the  standard  of  a  senator's  daughter  being 
exactly  six  feet — they  shall  all  hear  of  it  in  good  tune.  We  have, 


12  SALMAGUNDI. 

however,  advised  "Will  "Wizard  to  keep  his  friend  in  check,  lest  by 
opening  the  eyes  of  the  public  to  the  wretchedness  of  the  actors, 
by  whom  they  have  hitherto  been  entertained,  he  might  cut  off 
one  source  of  amusement  from  our  fellow-citizens.  We  hereby 
give  notice,  that  we  have  taken  the  whole  corps,  from  the 
manager  in  his  mantle  of  gorgeous  copper-lace  to  honest  John  in 
his  green  coat  and  black  breeches,  under  our  wing — and  woe  bo 
unto  him  who  injures  a  hair  of  their  heads.  As  we  have  no  de 
sign  against  the  patience  of  our  fellow-citizens,  we  shall  not  dose 
them  with  copious  draughts  of  theatrical  criticism ;  we  well  know 
that  they  have  already  been  well  physicked  with  them  of  late  ; 
our  theatrics  shall  take  up  but  a  small  part  of  our  paper ;  nor 
shall  they  be  altogether  confined  to  the  stage,  but  extend  from 
time  to  time  to  those  incorrigible  offenders  against  the  peace  of 
society,  the  stage-critics,  who  not  unfrequently  create  the  fault 
they  find,  in  order  to  yield  an  opening  for  their  witticisms — cen 
sure  an  actor  for  a  gesture  he  never  made,  or  an  emphasis  he 
never  gave ;  and,  in  their  attempt  to  show  off  new  readings,  make 
the  sweet  swan  of  Avon  cackle  like  a  goose.  If  any  one  should 
feel  himself  offended  by  our  remarks,  let  him  attack  us  in  return — 
we  shall  not  wince  from  the  combat.  If  his  passes  be  successful, 
we  will  be  the  first  to  cry  out,  a  hit !  a  hit  1  and  we  doubt  not  we 
shall  frequently  lay  ourselves  open  to  the  weapons  of  our  assail 
ants.  But  let  them  have  a  care  how  they  run  a  tilting  with  us ; 
they  have  to  deal  with  stubborn  foes,  who  can  bear  a  world  of 
pummelling;  we  will  be  relentless  in  our  vengeance,  and  will 
fight  "  till  from  our  bones  the  flesh  be  hack't." 

What  other  subjects  we  shall  include  in  the  range  of  our 
observations,  we  have  not  determined,  or  rather  we  shall  not 
trouble  ourselves  to  detail.  The  public  have  already  more  informa 
tion  concerning  us,  than  we  intended  to  impart.  We  owe  them 
no  favors,  neither  do  we  ask  any.  We  again  advise  them,  for 
their  own  sakes,  to  read  our  papers  when  they  come  out.  We 
recommend  to  all  mothers  to  purchase  them  for  their  daughters, 
who  will  be  taught  the  true  line  of  propriety,  and  the  most 
advisable  method  of  managing  their  beaux.  We  advise  all 
daughters  to  purchase  them  for  the  sake  of  their  mothers,  who 
shall  be  initiated  into  the  arcana  of  the  bon-ton,  and  cured  of  all 
those  rusty  old  notions  which  they  acquired  during  the  last  cen 
tury:  parents  shall  be  taught  how  to  govern  their  children,  girls 
how  to  get  husbands,  and  old  maids  how  to  do  without  them. 

As  we  do  not  measure  our  wits  by  the  yard  or  the  bushel,  and 
as  they  do  not  flow  periodically  nor  constantly,  we  shall  not 
restrict  our  paper  as  to  size  or  the  time  of  its  appearance.  It  will 
be  published  whenever  we  have  sufficient  matter  to  constitute  a 
number,  and  tt  e  size  of  the  number  shall  depend  on  the  stock  in 
hand.  This  will  best  suit  our  negligent  habits,  and  leave  us  that 
full  liberty  and  independence  which  is  the  joy  and  pride  of  our 
souls.  As  we  have  before  hinted,  that  we  do  not  concern 


SALMAGUNDI.  13 

ourselves  about  the  pecuniary  matters  of  our  paper,  we  leave  its 
price  to  be  regulated  by  our  publisher :  only  recommending  him, 
for  his  own  interest,  and  the  honor  of  his  authors,  not  to  sell  their 
invaluable  productions  too  cheap. 

Is  there  any  one  who  wishes  to  know  more  about  us  ? — let  him 
read  SALMAGUNDI,  and  grow  wise  apace.  Thus  much  we  will 
say — there  are  three  of  us,  "Bardolph,  Peto,  and  1,"  all  townsmen 
good  and  true ; — many  a  time  and  oft  have  we  three  amused  the 
town  without  its  knowing  to  whom  it  was  indebted ;  and  many  a 
time  have  we  seen  the  midnight  lamp  twinkle  faintly  on  our  stu 
dious  phizes,  and  heard  the  morning  salutation  of  "  past  three 
o'clock,"  before  we  sought  our  pillows.  The  result  of  these  mid 
night  studies  is  now  offered  to  the  public ;  and  little  as  we  care 
for  the  opinion  of  this  exceedingly  stupid  world,  we  shall  take 
care,  as  far  as  lies  in  our  careless  natures,  to  fulfil  the  promises 
made  in  this  introduction ; — if  we  do  not,  we  shall  have  so  many 
examples  to  justify  us,  that  we  feel  little  solicitude  on  that 
account. 


THEATRICS— CONTAINING  THE   QUINTESSENCE  OF 
MODERN  CRITICISM. 

BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,  ESQ. 

MACBETH  was  performed  to  a  very  crowded  house,  and  much 
to  our  satisfaction.  As,  however,  our  neighbor  TOWN  has  been 
very  voluminous  already  in  his  criticisms  on  this  play,  we  shall 
make  but  few  remarks.  Having  never  seen  KEMBLE  in  this  cha 
racter,  we  are  absolutely  at  a  loss  to  say  whether  Mr.  COOPER 
performed  it  well  or  not.  "We  think,  however,  there  was  an  error 
in  his  costume,  as  the  learned  Linkum  Fidelius  is  of  opinion,  that 
in  the  time  of  Macbeth  the  Scots  did  not  wear  sandals  but  wooden 
shoes.  Macbeth  also  was  noted  for  wearing  his  jacket  open,  that 
he  might  play  the  Scotch  fiddle  more  conveniently; — that  being 
an  hereditary  accomplishment  in  the  Glamis  family. 

We  have  seen  this  character  performed  in  China,  by  the  cele 
brated  Clww-  Chow,  the  Roscius  of  that  great  empire,  who  in  the 
dagger  scene  always  electrified  the  audience  by  blowing  his  nose 
like  a  trumpet.  Chow-Chow,  in  compliance  with  the  opinion  of 
the  sage  Linkum  Fidelius.  performed  Macbeth  in  wooden  shoes ; 
this  gave  him  an  opportunity  of  producing  great  effect,  for  on  first 
seeing  the  "air-drawn  dagger,"  he  always  cut  a  prodigious  high 
caper,  and  kicked  his  shoes  into  the  pit  at  the  heads  of  the  critics ; 
whereupon  the  audience  were  marvellously  delighted,  flourished 
iheir  hands,  and  stroked  their  whiskers  three  times,  and  the  mai/- 


14  SALMAGUNDI. 

ter  was  carefully  recorded  in  the  next  number  of  a  papor  called 
the  flim  flam.  (English — town.) 

We  were  much  pleased  with  Mrs.  YILLIERS  in  Lady  MACBETH  ; 
but  we  think  she  would  have  given  a  greater  effect  to  the  night 
scene,  if,  instead  of  holding  the  candle  in  her  hand,  or  setting  it 
down  on  the  table,  which  is  sagaciously  censured  by  neighbor 
Town,  she  had  stuck  it  in  her  night-cap.  This  would  have  been 
extremely  picturesque,  and  would  have  marked  more  strongly 
the  derangement  of  her  mind. 

Mrs.  Villiers,  however,  is  not  by  any  means  large  enough  for 
the  character :  Lady  Macbeth  having  been,  in  our  opinion,  a  wo 
man  of  extraordinary  size,  and  of  the  race  of  the  giants,  notwith 
standing  what  she  says  of  her  "  little  hand — "  which  being  said 
in  her  sleep  passes  for  nothing.  We  should  be  happy  to  see  this 
character  in  the  hands  of  the  lady  who  played  Glumdalca,  queen 
of  the  giants,  in  Tom  Thumb ;  she  is  exactly  of  imperial  dimen 
sions  ;  and,  provided  she  is  well  shaved,  of  a  most  interesting 
physiognomy :  as  she  appears  likewise  to  be  a  lady  of  some  nerve, 
I  dare  engage  she  will  read  a  letter  about  witches  vanishing  in 
air,  and  such  common  occurrences,  without  being  unnaturally  sur 
prised,  to  the  annoyance  of  honest  "Town." 

We  are  happy  to  observe  that  Mr.  Cooper  profits  by  the  instruc 
tions  of  friend  Town,  and  does  not  dip  the  daggers  in  blood  so 
deep  as  formerly  by  a  matter  of  an  inch  or  two.  This  was  a  vio 
lent  outrage  upon  our  immortal  bard.  We  differ  with  Mr.  Town 
in  his  reading  of  the  words  " this  is  a  sorry  sight"  We  are  of 
opinion  the  force  of  the  sentence  should  be  thrown  on  the  word 
sight,  because  Macbeth  having  been,  shortly  before,  most  con 
foundedly  humbugged  with  an  aerial  dagger,  was  in  doubt  whe 
ther  the  daggers  actually  in  his  hands  were  real,  or  whether  they 
were  not  mere  shadows,  or  as  the  old  English  may  have  termed 
it,  syghtes ;  (this,  at  any  rate,  will  establish  our  skill  in  new  read 
ings.)  Though  we  differ  in  this  respect  from  our  neighbor  Town, 
yet  we  heartily  agree  with  him  in  censuring  Mr.  Cooper  for  omit 
ting  that  passage  so  remarkable  for  "beauty  of  imagery,"  &c., 
beginning  with  "and  pity  like  a  naked  new-born  babe,"  &c.  It 
is  one  of  those  passages  of  Shakspeare  which  should  always  be 
retained,  for  the  purpose  of  showing  hov*  sometimes  that  great 
poet  could  talk  like  a  buzzard ;  or,  to  speak  more  plainly,  like  the 
famous  mad  poet  Nat  Lee. 

As  it  is  the  first  duty  of  a  friend  to  advise — and  as  we  profess 
and  do  actually  feel  a  friendship  for  honest  "  Town,"  we  warn  him, 
never  in  his  criticisms,  to  meddle  with  a  lady's  "petticoats,"  or  to 
quote  Nic  Bottom.  In  the  first  instance  he  may  "catch  a  tartar;" 
and  in  the  second,  the  ass's  head  may  rise  up  in  judgment  against 
him ;  and  when  it  is  once  afloat  there  is  no  knowing  where  some 
unlucky  hand  may  place  it.  We  would  not,  for  all  the  money  in 
our  pockets,  see  Town  flourishing  his  critical  quill  under  the  aus- 
of  an  ass's  head,  like  the  great  Franklin  in  his  Montcrio  Cop. 


SALMAGUNDI.  15 

NEW  YORK  ASSEMBLY. 

BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

THE  assemblies  this  year  have  gained  a  great  accession  of 
beauty.  Several  brilliant  stars  have  arisen  from  the  east  and 
from  the  north,  to  brighten  the  firmament  of  fashion ;  among  the 
number  I  have  discovered  another  planet,  which  rivals  even  Yenus 
in  lustre,  and  I  claim  equal  honor  with  Herschel  for  my  discovery. 
I  shall  take  some  future  opportunity  to  describe  this  planet,  and 
the  numerous  satellites  which  revolve  around  it. 

At  the  last  assembly  the  company  began  to  make  some  show 
about  eight,  but  the  most  fashionable  delayed  then*  appearance 
until  about  nine — nine  being  the  number  of  the  muses,  and  there 
fore  the  best  possible  hour  for  beginning  to  exhibit  the  graces. 
(This  is  meant  for  a  pretty  play  upon  words,  and  I  assure  my- 
readers  that  I  think  it  very  tolerable.) 

Poor  WILL  HONEYCOMB,  whose  memory  I  hold  in  special  con 
sideration,  even  with  his  half  century  of  experience,  would  haw 
been  puzzled  to  point  out  the  humors  of  a  lady  by  her  prevailing 
colors;  for  the  "rival  queens"  of  fashion,  Mrs.  TOOLE  and  Ma 
dame  BOUCHARD,  appeared  to  have  exhausted  their  wonderful 
inventions  in  the  different  disposition,  variation,  and  combination 
of  tints  and  shades.  The  philosopher  who  maintained  that  black 
was  white,  and  that,  of  course,  there  was  no  such  color  as  white, 
might  have  given  some  color  to  his  theory  on  this  occasion,  by 
the  absence  of  poor  forsaken  white  muslin.  I  was,  however, 
much  pleased  to  see  that  red  maintains  its  ground  against  all 
other  colors,  because  red  is  the  color  of  Mr.  Jefferson's  *  *  *  *  *  *? 
Tom  Paine's  nose,  and  my  slippers. 

Let  the  grumbling  smellfungi  of  this  world,  who  cultivate  taste 
among  books,  cobwebs,  and  spiders,  rail  at  the  extravagance  of 
the  age ;  for  my  part,  I  was  delighted  with  the  magic  of  the 
scene,  and  as  the  ladies  tripped  through  the  mazes  of  the  dance, 
sparkling  and  glowing  and  dazzling,  I,  like  the  honest  Chinese, 
thanked  them  heartily  for  the  jewels  and  finery  with  which  they  . 
loaded  themselves,  merely  for  the  entertainment  of  by-standers,  ' 
and  blessed  my  stars  that  I  was  a  bachelor. 

The  gentlemen  were  considerably  numerous,  and  being,  as 
usual,  equipt  in  their  appropriate  black  uniforms,  constituted  a 
sable  regiment,  which  contributed  not  a  little  to  the  brilliant 
gaiety  of  the  ballroom.  I  must  confess  I  am  indebted  for  this  re 
mark  to  our  friend  the  cockney,  Mr.  'SBIDLIKENSFLASH,  or  '/S 'bid- 
likens,  as  he  is  called  for  shortness.  He  is  a  fellow  of  infinite  ver 
bosity — stands  in  high  favor — with  himself — and,  like  Caleb  Quo- 
tern,  is  "up  to  everything."  I  remember  when  a  comfortable, 


16  SALMAGUNDI. 

plump-looking  citizen  led  into  the  room  a  fair  damsel,  who  looked 
for  all  the  world  like  the  personification  of  a  rainbow ;  'Sbidlikens 
observed  that  it  reminded  him  of  a  fable,  which  he  had  read 
somewhere,  of  the  marriage  of  an  honest  painstaking  snail ;  who 
had  once  walked  six  feet  in  an  hour  for  a  wager,  to  a  butterfly 
whom  he  used  to  gallant  by  the  elbow,  with  the  aid  of  much  puf 
fing  and  exertion.  On  being  called  upon  to  tell  where  he  had 
come  across  the  story,  'Sbidlikens  absolutely  refused  to  answer. 

It  would  but  be  repeating  an  old  story  to  say,  that  the  ladies 
of  New  York  dance  well ; — and  well  may  they,  since  they  learn 
it  scientifically,  and  begin  their  lessons  before  they  have  quit  their 
swaddling  clothes.  The  immortal  DUPORT  has  usurped  despotic 
sway  over  all  the  female  heads  and  heels  in  this  city; — horn 
books,  primers,  and  pianos  are  neglected  to  attend  to  his  posi 
tions  ;  and  poor  CHILTON,  with  his  pots,  and  kettles,  and  chemical 
crockery,  finds  him  a  more  potent  enemy  than  the  whole  collective 
force  of  the  "  North  River  Society."  'Sbidlikens  insists  that  this 
dancing  mania  will  inevitably  continue  as  long  as  a  dancing- 
master  will  charge  the  fashionable  price  of  five-and-twenty  dollars 
a  quarter,  and  all  the  other  accomplishments  are  so  vulgar  as  to 
be  attainable  at  "half  the  money;" — but  I  put  no  faith  in  'Sbidli 
kens'  candor  in  this  particular.  Among  his  infinitude  of  endow 
ments,  he  is  but  a  poor  proficient  in  dancing;  and  though  he 
often  flounders  through  a  cotillion,  yet  he  never  cut  a  pigeon- 
wing  in  his  life. 

In  my  mind  there's  no  position  more  positive  and  unexception 
able  than  that  most  Frenchmen,  dead  or  alive,  are  born  dancers. 
I  came  pounce  upon  this  discovery  at  the  assembly,  and  I  imme 
diately  noted  it  down  in  my  register  of  indisputable  facts ; — the 
public  shall  know  all  about  it.  As  I  never  dance  cotillions,  hold 
ing  them  to  be  monstrous  distorters  of  the  human  frame,  and  tan 
tamount  in  their  operations  to  being  broken  and  dislocated  on  the 
wheel,  I  generally  take  occasion,  while  they  are  going  on,  to  make 
my  remarks  on  the  company.  In  the  course  of  these  observations 
I  was  struck  with  the  energy  and  eloquence  of  sundry  limbs, 
which  seemed  to  be  flourishing  about  without  appertaining  to  any 
body.  -'After  much  investigation  and  difficulty  I,  at  length,  traced 
them  to  their  respective  owners,  whom  I  found  to  be  all  French 
men  to  a  man.  Art  may  have  meddled  somewhat  in  these  affairs, 
but  nature  certainly  did  more.  I  have  since  been  considerably 
employed  in  calculations  on  this  subject ;  and  by  the  most  accu 
rate  computation  I  have  determined,  that  a  Frenchman  passes  at 
least  three-fifths  of  his  time  between  the  heavens  and  the  earth, 
and  partakes  eminently  of  the  nature  of  a  gossamer  or  soap-bubble. 
One  of  these  jack-o'-lantern  heroes,  in  taking  a  figure,  which 
neither  Euclid  nor  Pythagoras  himself  could  demonstrate,  unfortu 
nately  wound  himself — I  mean  his  feet — his  better  part — into  a 
lady's  cobweb  muslin  robe ;  but  perceiving  it  at  the  instant,  he 
set  himself  a  spinning  the  other  way,  like  a  top,  unravelled  his 


SALMAGUNDI.  17 

step,  without  omitting  one  angle  or  curve,  and  extricating  himself 
without  breaking  a  thread  of  the  lady's  dress !  he  then  sprung  up, 
like  a  sturgeon,  crossed  Ms  feet  four  times,  and  finished  this  won 
derful  evolution  by  quivering  his  left  leg,  as  a  cat  does  her  paw 
when  she  has  accidentally  dipped  it  in  water.  No  man,  "of 
woman  born,"  who  was  not  a  Frenchman,  or  a  mountebank, 
could  have  done  the  like. 

Among  the  new  faces,  I  remarked  a  blooming  nymph,  who  has 
brought  a  fresh  supply  of  roses  from  the  country  to  adorn  the 
wreath  of  beauty,  where  lilies  too  much  predominate.  As  I  wish 
well  to  every  sweet  face  under  heaven,  I  sincerely  hope  her  roses 
may  survive  the  frosts  and  dissipations  of  winter,  and  lose  nothing 
by  a  comparison  with  the  loveliest  offerings  of  the  spring.  'Sbid- 
likens,  to  whom  I  made  similar  remarks,  assured  me  that  they 
were  very  just,  and  very  prettily  exprest ;  and  that  the  lady  in 
question  was  a  prodigious  fine  piece  of  flesh  and  blood.  Now, 
could  I  find  it  in  my  heart  to  baste  these  cockneys  like  their  own 
roast  beef — they  can  make  no  distinction  between  a  fine  woman 
and  a  fine  horse. 

I  would  praise  the  sylph-like  grace  with  which  another  young 
lady  acquitted  herself  in  the  danoe,  but  that  she  excels  in  far 
more  valuable  accomplishments.  Who  praises  the  rose  for  its 
beauty,  even  though  it  is  beautiful  ? 

The  company  retired  at  the  customary  hour  to  the  supper-room, 
where  the  tables  were  laid  out  with  their  usual  splendor  and  pro 
fusion.  My  friend,  'Sbidlikens,  with  the  native  forethought  of  a 
cockney,  had  carefully  stowed  his  pocket  with  cheese  and  crackers, 
that  he  might  not  be  tempted  again  to  venture  his  limbs  in  the 
crowd  of  hungry  fair  ones  who  throng  the  supper-room  door :  his 
precaution  was  unnecessary,  for  the  company  entered  the  room 
with  surprising  order  and  decorum.  No  gowns  wore  torn — no 
ladies  fainted — no  noses  bled — nor  was  there  any  need  of  the 
intarference  of  either  managers  or  peace  officers. 


Library. 


18  SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  IL— WEDNESDAY,  FEBRUARY  4,  1807. 

FROM  THE   ELBOW- CHAIR    OF    LAUNCELOT  LANG- 
STAFF,  ESQ. 

IN  the  conduct  of  an  epic  poem,  it  has  been  the  custom,  from 
time  immemorial,  for  the  poet  occasionally  to  introduce  his  reader 
to  an  intimate  acquaintance  with  the  heroes  of  his  story,  by  con 
ducting  him  into  their  tents,  and  giving  him  an  opportunity  of 
observing  them  in  their  night-gown  and  slippers.  However  I 
despise  the  servile  genius  that  would  descend  to  follow  a  pre 
cedent,  though  furnished  by  Homer  himself,  and  consider  him  as  on 
a  par  with  the  cart  that  follows  at  the  heels  of  the  horse,  without 
ever  taking  the  lead,  yet  at  the  present  moment  my  whim  is 
opposed  to  my  opinion ;  and  whenever  this  is  the  case,  my  opinion 
generally  surrenders  at  discretion.  I  am  determined,  therefore,  to 
give  the  town  a  peep  into  our  divan ;  and  I  shall  repeat  it  as  often 
as  I  please,  to  show  that  I  intend  to  be  sociable. 

The  other  night  Will  Wizard  and  Evergreen  called  upon  me,  to 
pass  away  a  few  hours  in  social  chat,  and  hold  a  kind  of  council  of 
war.  To  give  a  zest  to  our  evening,  I  uncorked  a  bottle  of  Lon 
don  particular,  which  has  grown  old  with  myself,  and  which 
never  fails  to  excite  a  smile  in  the  countenances  of  my  old  cronies, 
to  whom  alone  it  is  devoted.  After  some  little  time  the  conver 
sation  turned  on  the  effect  produced  by  our  first  number ;  every 
one  had  his  budget  of  information,  and  I  assure  my  readers  that 
we  laughed  most  unceremoniously  at  their  expense ;  they  will 
excuse  us  for  our  merriment — 'tis  a  way  we've  got.  Evergreen, 
who  is  equally  a  favorite  and  companion  of  young  and  old,  was 
particularly  satisfactory  in  his  details ;  and  it  was  highly  amusing 
to  hear  how  different  characters  were  tickled  with  different 
passages.  The  old  folks  were  delighted  to  find  there  was  a 
bias  in  our  junto  towards  the  "  good  old  times ;  "  and  he  particu 
larly  noticed  a  worthy  old  gentleman  of  his  acquaintance,  who 
had  been  somewhat  a  beau  in  his  day,  whose  eyes  brightened  at 
the  bare  mention  of  Kissing-bridge.  It  recalled  to  his  recollection 
several  of  his  youthful  exploits,  at  that  celebrated  pass,  on  which 
he  seemed  to  dwell  with  great  pleasure  and  self-complacency : — 
he  hoped,  he  said,  that  the  bridge  might  be  preserved  for  the 
benefit  of  posterity,  and  as  a  monument  of  the  gallantry  of  their 
grandfathers ;  and  even  hinted  at  the  expediency  of  erecting  a 


SALMAGUNDI.  19 

toll-gate  there,  to  collect  the  forfeits  of  the  ladies.  But  the  most 
flattering  testimony  of  approbation,  which  our  work  has  received, 
was  from  an  old  lady,  who  never  laughed  but  once  in  her  life,  and 
that  was  at  the  conclusion  of  the  last  war.  She  was  detected 
by  friend  Anthony  in  the  very  fact  of  laughing  most  obstrepe 
rously  at  the  description  of  the  little  dancing  Frenchman.  Now  it 
glads  my  very  heart  to  find  our  effusions  have  such  a  pleasing 
effect.  I  venerate  the  aged,  and  joy  whenever  it  is  in  my  power 
to  scatter  a  few  flowers  in  their  path. 

The  young  people  were  particularly  interested  in  the  account 
of  the  assembly.  There  was  some  difference  of  opinion  respecting 
the  new  planet,  and  the  blooming  nymph  from  the  country ;  but 
as  to  the  compliment  paid  to  the  fascinating  little  sylph  who 
danced  so  gracefully — every  lady  modestly  took  that  to  herself. 

Evergreen  mentioned  also  that  the  young  ladies  were  extremely 
anxious  to  learn  the  true  mode  of  managing  their  beaux;  and 
Miss  DIANA  WEARWELL,  who  is  as  chaste  as  an  icicle,  has  seen  a 
few  superfluous  winters  pass  over  her  head,  and  boasts  of  having 
slain  her  thousands,  wished  to  know  how  old  maids  were  to  do 
without  husbands ;  not  that  she  was  very  curious  about  the  mat 
ter,  she  "  only  asked  for  information."  Several  ladies  expressed 
their  earnest  desire  that  we  would  not  spare  those  wooden  gen 
tlemen  who  perform  the  parts  of  mutes,  or  stalking  horses,  in  their 
drawing-rooms;  and  their  mothers  were  equally  anxious  that  we 
would  show  no  quarter  to  those  lads  of  spirit,  who  now  and  then 
cut  their  bottles  to  enliven  a  tea-party  with  the  humors  of  the 
dinner-table. 

Will  Wizard  was  not  a  little  chagrined  at  having  been  mistaken 
for  a  gentleman,  "who  is  no  more  like  me,"  said  Will,  "than  I 
like  Hercules."  "I  was  well  assured,"  continued  Will,  "that  as 
our  characters  were  drawn  from  nature,  the  originals  would  be 
found  in  every  society.  And  so  it  has  happened — every  little  cir 
cle  has  its  'Sbidlikens ;  and  the  cockney,  intended  merely  as  the 
representative  of  his  species,  has  dwindled  into  an  insignificant 
individual,  who  having  recognised  his  own  likeness,  has  foolishly 
appropriated  to  himself  a  picture  for  which  he  never  sat.  Such, 
too,  has  been  the  case  with  DING-DONG,  who  has  kindly  under 
taken  to  be  my  representative ;  not  that  I  care  much  about  the 
matter,  for  it  must  be  acknowledged  that  the  animal  is  a  good- 
natured  animal  enough, — and  what  is  more,  a  fashionable  animal 
• — and  this  is  saying  more  than  to  call  him  a  conjuror.  But  I  am 
much  mistaken  if  he  can  claim  any  affinity  to  the  Wizard  family. 
Surely,  every  body  knows  Ding-dong,  the  gentle  Ding-dong,  who 
pervades  all  space,  who  is  here  and  there  and  every  where; 
no  tea-party  can  be  complete  without  Ding-dong,  and  his  appear 
ance  is  sure  to  occasion  a  smile.  Ding-dong  has  been  the  occa 
sion  of  much  wit  in  his  day ;  I  have  even  seen  many  puny  whip 
sters  attempt  to  be  dull  at  his  expense,  who  were  as  much  inferior 
to  him  as  the  gad-fly  is  to  the  ox  that  he  buzzes  about.  Does  any 


20  SALMAGUNDI. 

witling  want  to  distress  the  company  with  a  miserable  pun  ? — 
nobody's  name  presents  sooner  than  Ding-dong's ;  and  it  has 
been  played  upon  with  equal  skill  and  equal  entertainment  to  the 
by-standers  as  Trinity-bells.  Ding-dong  is  profoundly  devoted  to 
the  ladies,  and  highly  entitled  to  their  regard ;  for  I  know  no 
man  who  makes  a  better  bow,  or  talks  less  to  the  purpose  than 
Ding-dong.  Ding-dong  has  acquired  a  prodigious  fund  of  know 
ledge  by  reading  Dilworth  when  a  boy ;  and  the  other  day,  on 
being  asked  who  was  the  author  of  Macbeth,  answered,  without 
the  least  hesitation — Shakspeare  I  Ding-dong  has  a  quotation  for 
every  day  of  the  year,  and  every  hour  of  the  day,  and  every  mi 
nute  of  the  hour ;  but  he  often  commits  petty  larcenies  on  the 
poets — plucks  the  gray  hairs  of  old  Chaucer's  head,  and  claps 
them  on  the  chin  of  Pope ;  and  filches  Johnson's  wig,  to  cover 
the  bald  pate  of  Homer ;  but  his  blunders  pass  undetected  by  one- 
half  of  his  hearers.  Ding-dong,  it  is  true,  though  he  has  long 
wrangled  at  our  bar,  cannot  boast  much  of  his  legal  knowledge, 
nor  does  his  forensic  eloquence  entitle  him  to  rank  with  a  Cicero 
or  a  Demosthenes ;  but  bating  his  professional  deficiencies,  he  is 
a  man  of  most  delectable  discourse,  and  can  hold  forth  for  an 
hour  upon  the  color  of  a  riband  or  the  construction  of  a  work- 
bag.  Ding-dong  is  now  in  his  fortieth  year,  or  perhaps  a  little 
more — rivals  all  the  little  beaux  in  the  town,  in  his  attention  to  the 
ladies, — is  in  a  state  of  rapid  improvement ;  and  there  is  no  doubt 
but  that  by  the  time  he  arrives  at  years  of  discretion,  he  will  be 
a  very  accomplished  agreeable  young  fellow."  I  advise  all  clever, 
good-for-nothing,  "learned  and  authentic  gentlemen,"  to  take  care 
how  they  wear  this  cap,  however  well  it  fits ;  and  to  bear  in 
mind,  that  our  characters  are  not  individuals,  but  species ;  if,  after 
this  warning,  any  person  chooses  to  represent  Mr.  Ding-dong,  tho 
sin  is  at  his  own  door ;  we  wash  our  hands  of  it. 

"We  all  sympathized  with  Wizard,  that  he  should  be  mistaken 
for  a  person  so  very  different ;  and  I  hereby  assure  my  readers, 
that  William  Wizard  is  no  other  person  in  the  whole  world  but 
William  Wizard ;  so  I  beg  I  may  hear  no  more  conjectures  on  the 
subject.  Will  is,  in  fact,  a  wiseacre  by  inheritance.  The  Wizard 
family  has  long  been  celebrated  for  knowing  more  than  their 
neighbors,  particularly  concerning  their  neighbors'  affairs.  They 
were  anciently  called  JOSSELIN;  but  Will's  great-uncle,  by  the 
father's  side,  having  been  accidentally  burnt  for  a  witch  in  Con 
necticut,  in  consequence  of  blowing  up  his  own  house  in  a  philo 
sophical  experiment,  the  family,  in  order  to  perpetuate  the  recol 
lection  of  this  memorable  circumstance,  assumed  the  name  and 
arms  of  Wizard ;  and  have  borne  them  ever  since. 

In  the  course  of  my  customary  morning's  walk,  I  stopped  in  a 
book-store,  which  is  noted  for  being  the  favorite  haunt  of  a  number 
of  literati,  some  of  whom  rank  high  in  the  opinion  of  the  world, 
and  others  rank  equally  high  in  their  own.  Here  I  found  a  knot 
of  queer  fellows  listening  to  one  of  their  company,  who  was  read- 


SALMAGUNDI.  21 

ing  our  paper ;  I  particularly  noticed  Mr.  ICHABOD  FUNGUS  among 
the  number. 

Fungus  is  one  of  those  fidgeting,  meddling  quidnuncs,  with 
which  this  unhappy  city  is  pestered :  one  of  your  "  Q  in  a  corner 
fellows/'  who  speaks  volumes  with  a  wink, — conveys  most  por 
tentous  information  by  laying  his  finger  beside  his  nose, — and  is 
always  smelling  a  rat  in  the  most  trifling  occurrence.  He  listened 
to  our  work  with  the  most  frigid  gravity — every  now  and  then 
gave  a  mysterious  shrug — a  humph — or  a  screw  of  the  mouth ; 
and  on  being  asked  his  opinion  at  the  conclusion,  said,  he  did  not 
know  what  to  think  of  it ; — he  hoped  it  did  not  mean  anything 
against  the  government — that  no  lurking  treason  was  couched  in 
all  this  talk.  These  were  dangerous  times — tunes  of  plot  and 
conspiracy ;  he  did  not  at  all  like  those  stars  after  Mr.  Jefferson's 
name,  they  had  an  air  of  concealment.  DICK  PADDLE,  who  was 
one  of  the  group,  undertook  our  cause.  Dick  is  known  to  the 
world,  as  being  a  most  knowing  genius,  who  can  see  as  far  as 
anybody — into  a  millstone ;  maintains,  in  the  teeth  of  all  argu 
ment,  that  a  spade  is  a  spade;  and  will  labor  a  good  half  hour  by 
St.  Paul's  clock,  to  establish  a  self-evident  fact.  Dick  assured  old 
Fungus,  that  those  stars  merely  stood  for  Mr.  Jefferson's  red  what- 
d'ye-caWems ;  and  that  so  far  from  a  conspiracy  against  their  peace 
and  prosperity,  the  authors,  whom  he  knew  wery  well,  were  only 
expressing  their  high  respect  for  them.  The  old  man  shook  his 
head,  shrugged  his  shoulders,  gave  a  mysterious  Lord  Burleigh 
nod,  said  he  hoped  it  might  be  so ;  but  he  was  by  no  means  satis 
fied  with  this  attack  upon  the  President's  breeches,  as  "  thereby 
hangs  a  tale." 


MR.  WILSON'S  CONCERT. 

BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

IN  my  register  of  indisputable  facts  I  have  noted  it  conspicu 
ously  that  all  modern  music  is  but  the  mere  dregs  and  draining 
of  the  ancient,  and  that  all  the  spirit  and  vigor  of  harmony  has 
entirely  evaporated  in  the  lapse  of  ages.  Oh!  for  the  chant  of  the 
Naiades,  and  Dryades,  the  shell  of  the  Tritons,  and  the  sweet 
warblings  of  the  Mermaids  of  ancient  days !  where  now  shall  we 
seek  the  Amphion,  who  built  walls  with  a  turn  of  his  hurdy- 
gurdy,  the  Orpheus  who  made  stones  to  whistle  about  his  ears, 
and  trees  hop  in  a  country  dance,  by  the  mere  quavering  of  his 
fiddle-stick  !  ah !  had  I  the  power  of  the  former,  how  soon  would 
I  build  up  the  new  City  Hall,  and  save  the  cash  and  credit  of  the 
Corporation  ;  and  how  much  sooner  would  I  build  myself  a  snug 


22  SALMAGUNDI. 

bouse  in  Broadway : — nor  would  it  be  the  first  time  a  house  has 
been  obtained  there  for  a  song.  In  my  opinion,  the  Scotch  bag 
pipe  is  the  only  instrument  that  rivals  the  ancient  lyre ;  and  I  am 
surprised  it  should  be  almost  the  only  one  entirely  excluded  from 
our  concerts. 

Talking  of  concerts  reminds  me  of  that  given  a  few  nights  since 
by  Mr.  WILSON,  at  which  I  had  the  misfortune  of  being  present. 
It  was  attended  by  a  numerous  company,  and  gave  great  satis 
faction,  if  I  may  be  allowed  to  judge  from  the  frequent  gapings  of 
the  audience ;  though  I  will  not  risk  my  credit  as  a  connoisseur, 
by  saying  whether  they  proceeded  from  wonder  or  a  violent 
inclination  to  doze.  I  was  delighted  to  find  in  the  mazes  of  the 
crowd,  my  particular  friend  SNIVERS,  who  had  put  on  his  cog 
noscenti  phiz — he  being,  according  to  his  own  account,  a  profound 
adept  in  the  science  of  music.  He  can  tell  a  crotchet  at  first 
sight ;  and,  like  a  true  Englishman,  is  delighted  with  the  plum- 
pudding  rotundity  of  a  semibref;  and,  in  short,  boasts  of  having 
incontinently  climbed  up  Faffs  musical  tree,  which  hangs  every 
day  upon  the  poplar,  from  the  fundamental  concord,  to  the  funda 
mental  major  discord ;  and  so  on  from  branch  to  branch,  until  he 
reached  the  very  top,  where  he  sung  "  Eule  Britannia,"  clapped 
his*  wings,  and  then — came  down  again.  Like  all  true  trans 
atlantic  judges,  he  suffers  most  horribly  at  our  musical  entertain 
ments,  and  assures  me,  that  what  with  the  confounded  scraping, 
and  scratching,  and  grating  of  our  fiddlers,  he  thinks  the  sitting 
out  one  of  our  concerts  tantamount  to  the  punishment  of  that 
unfortunate  saint,  who  was  frittered  in  two  with  a  hand-saw. 

The  concert  was  given  in  the  tea-room,  at  the  City  Hotel ;  an 
apartment  admirably  calculated,  by  its  dingy  walls,  beautifully 
marbled  with  smoke,  to  show  off  the  dresses  and  complexions  of 
the  ladies ;  and  by  the  flatness  of  its  ceiling  to  repress  those  im 
pertinent  reverberations  of  the  music,  which,  whatever  others  may 
foolishly  assert,  are,  as  Snivers  says,  "  no  better  than  repetitions 
of  old  stories." 

Mr.  Wilson  gave  me  infinite  satisfaction  by  the  gentility  of  his 
demeanor,  and  the  roguish  looks  he  now  and  then  cast  at  the 
ladies,  but  we  fear  his  excessive  modesty  threw  him  into  some 
little  confusion,  for  he  absolutely  forgot  himself,  and  in  the  whole 
course  of  his  entrances  and  exits,  never  once  made  his  bow  to  the 
audience.  On  the  whole,  however,  I  think  he  has  a  fine  voice, 
sings  with  great  taste,  and  is  a  very  modest  good-looking  little 
man ;  but  I  beg  leave  to  repeat  the  advice  so  often  given  by  the 
illustrious  tenants  of  the  theatrical  sky-parlor,  to  the  gentlemen 
who  are  charged  with  the  "nice  conduct"  of  chairs  and  tables — 
"make  a  bow,  Johnny — Johnny,  make  a  bow!" 

I  cannot,  on  this  occasion,  but  express  my  surprise  that  certain 
amateurs  should  be  so  frequently  at  concerts,  considering  what 
agonies  they  suffer  while  a  piece  of  music  is  playing.  I  defy  any 
man  of  common  humanity,  and  who  has  not  the  heart  of  a  Choc- 


SALMAUUXW.  23 

taw,  to  contemplate  the  countenance  of  one  of  these  unhappy  vic 
tims  of  a  fiddle-stick  without  feeling  a  sentiment  of  compassion. 
His  whole  visage  is  distorted;  he  rolls  up  his  eyes,  as  M 'Syco 
phant  says,  "  like  a  duck  in  thunder,"  and  the  music  seems  to 
operate  upon  him  like  a  fit  of  the  cholic :  his  very  bowels  seem  to 
sympathize  at  every  twang  of  the  catgut,  as  if  he  heard  at  that 
moment  the  wailings  of  the  helpless  animal  that  had  been  sacri 
ficed  to  harmony.  Nor  does  the  hero  of  the  orchestra  seem  less 
atlected :  as  soon  as  the  signal  is  given,  he  seizes  his  fiddle-stick, 
makes  a  most  horrible  grimace,  scowls  fiercely  upon  his  music- 
book,  as  though  he  would  grin  every  crotchet  and  quaver  out  of 
countenance.  I  have  sometimes  particularly  noticed  a  hungry 
looking  Gaul,  who  torments  a  huge  bass  viol,  and  who  is  doubtless 
the  original  of  the  famous  "Raw-head-and-bloody-bones,"  so  potent 
in  frightening  naughty  children. 

The  person  who  played  the  French-horn  was  very  excellent  in 
his  way,  but  Snivers  could  not  relish  his  performance,  having 
some  time  since  heard  a  gentleman  amateur  in  Gotham  play  a  solo 
on  his  proboscis,  in  a  style  infinitely  superior ; — Snout,  the  bel 
lows-mender,  never  turned  his  wind  instrument  more  musically ; 
nor  did  the  celebrated  "knight  of  the  burning  lamp,"  ever  yield 
more  exquisite  entertainment  with  his  nose ;  this  gentleman  had 
latterly  ceased  to  exhibit  this  prodigious  accomplishment,  having, 
it  was  whispered,  hired  out  his  snout  to  a  ferryman,  who  had  lost 
his  conchshell ; — the  consequence  was  that  he  did  not  show  his 
nose  in  company  so  frequently  as  before. 


SITTING  late  the  other  evening  in  my  elbow-chair,  indulging  in 
that  kind  of  indolent  meditation,  which  I  consider  the  perfection 
of  human  bliss,  I  was  roused  from  my  reverie  by  the  entrance  of 
an  old  servant  in  the  COCKLOFT  livery,  who  handed  me  a  letter, 
containing  the  following  address  from  my  cousin  and  old  college 
chum,  PINDAR  COCKLOFT. 

Honest  ANDREW,  as  he  delivered  it,  informed  me  that  his 
master,  who  resides  a  little  way  from  town,  on  reading  a  small 
pamphlet  in  a  neat  yellow  cover,  rubbed  his  hands  with  symptoms 
of  great  satisfaction,  called  for  his  favorite  Chinese  inkstand,  with 
two  sprawling  Mandarines  for  its  supporters,  and  wrote  the  letter 
which  he  had  the  honor  to  present  me. 

As  I  foresee  my  cousin  will  one  day  become  a  great  favorite 
with  the  public,  and  as  I  know  him  to  be  somewhat  punctilious 
as  it  respects  etiquette,  I  shall  take  this  opportunity  to  gratify  the 
old  gentleman,  by  giving  him  a  proper  introduction  to  the 
fashionable  world.  The  Cockloft  family,  to  which  I  have  tho 


24,  SALMAGUNDI. 

comfort  of  being  related,  has  been  fruitful  in  old  bachelors  and 
humorists,  as  will  be  perceived  when  I  come  to  treat  more  of  its 
history.  My  cousin  Pindar  is  one  of  its  most  conspicuous  mem 
bers — he  is  now  in  his  fifty-eighth  year — is  a  bachelor,  partly 
though  choice,  and  partly  through  chance,  and  an  oddity  of  the 
first  water.  Half  his  life  has  been  employed  in  writing  odes, 
sonnets,  epigrams,  and  elegies,  which  he  seldom  shows  to  any 
body  but  myself  after  they  are  written ;  and  all  the  old  chests, 
drawers,  and  chair-bottoms  in  the  house,  teem  with  his  pro 
ductions. 

In  his  younger  days  he  figured  as  a  dashing  blade  in  the  great 
world;  and  no  young  fellow  of  the  town  wore  a  longer  pig-tail,  or 
carried  more  buckram  in  his  skirts.  From  sixteen  to  thirty  he 
was  continually  in  love,  and  during  that  period,  to  use  his  own 
words,  he  be-scribbled  more  paper  than  would  serve  the  theatre 
for  snow-storms  a  whole  season.  The  evening  of  his  thirtieth 
birth-day,  as  he  sat  by  the  fire-side,  as  much  in  love  as  ever  was 
man  in  this  world,  and  writing  the  name  of  his  mistress  in  the 
ashes,  with  an  old  tongs  that  had  lost  one  of  its  legs,  he  was 
seized  with  a  whim- wham  that  he  was  an  old  fool  to  be  in  love  at 
his  time  of  life.  It  was  ever  one  of  the  Cockloft  characteristics  to 
strike  to  whim :  and  had  Pindar  stood  out  on  this  occasion  he 
would  have  brought  the  reputation  of  his  mother  in  question. 
From  that  time  he  gave  up  all  particular  attentions  to  the  ladies ; 
and  though  he  still  loves  their  company,  he  has  never  been  known 
to  exceed  the  bounds  of  common  courtesy  in  his  intercourse  with 
thera.  He  was  the  life  and  ornament  of  our  family  circle  in  town, 
until  the  epoch  of  the  French  revolution,  which  sent  so  many 
unfortunate  dancing-masters  from  their  country  to  polish  and 
enlighten  our  hemisphere.  This  was  a  sad  time  for  Pindar,  who 
had  taken  a  genuine  Cockloft  prejudice  against  every  thing  French, 
ever  since  he  was  brought  to  death's  door  by  a  ragout:  he 
groaned  at  Ca  Ira,  and  the  Marseilles  Hymn  had  much  the  same 
effect  upon  him,  that  sharpening  a  knife  on  a  dry  whetstone  has 
upon  some  people; — it  set  his  teeth  chattering.  He  might  in 
time  have  been  reconciled  to  these  rubs,  had  not  the  introduction 
of  French  cockades  on  the  hats  of  our  citizens  absolutely  thrown 
him  into  a  fever.  The  first  time  he  saw  an  instance  of  this  kind, 
he  came  home  with  great  precipitation,  packed  up  his  trunk,  his 
old-fashioned  writing-desk,  and  his  Chinese  ink-stand,  and  made  a 
kind  of  growling  retreat  to  Cockloft-Hall,  where  he  has  resided 
ever  since. 

My  cousin  Pindar  is  of  a  mercurial  disposition — a  humorist 
without  ill-nature — he  is  of  the  true  gunpowder  temper;  one 
flash,  and  all  is  over.  It  is  true  when  the  wind  is  easterly,  or  the 
gout  gives  him  a  gentle  twinge,  or  he  hears  of  any  new  successes 
of  the  French,  he  will  become  a  little  splenetic ;  and  heaven  help 
the  man,  and  more  particularly  the  woman  that  crosses  his  humor 
at  that  moment — she  is  sure  to  receive  no  quarter.  These  arc 


SALMAGUNDI.  25 

the  most  sublime  moments  of  Pindar.  I  swear  to  you,  dear 
ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  would  not  lose  one  of  these  splenetic 
bursts  for  the  best  wig  in  my  wardrobe ;  even  though  it  were 
proved  to  be  the  identical  wig  worn  by  the  sage  Linkum  Fidelius, 
when  he  demonstrated  before  the  whole  university  of  Leyden, 
that  it  was  possible  to  make  bricks  without  straw.  I  have  seen 
the  old  gentleman  blaze  forth  such  a  volcanic  explosion  of  wit, 
ridicule,  and  satire,  that  I  was  almost  tempted  to  believe  him  in 
spired.  But  these  sallies  only  lasted  for  a  moment,  and  passed 
like  summer  clouds  over  the  benevolent  sunshine  which  ever 
warmed  his  heart  and  lighted  up  his  countenance. 

Time,  though  it  has  dealt  roughly  with  his  person,  has  passed 
lightly  over  the  graces  of  his  mind,  and  left  him  in  full  possession 
of  all  the  sensibilities  of  youth.  His  eye  kindles  at  the  relation 
of  a  noble  and  generous  action,  his  heart  melts  at  the  story  of  dis 
tress,  and  he  is  still  a  warm  admirer  of  the  fair.  Like  all  old 
bachelors,  however,  he  looks  back  with  a  fond  and  lingering  eye 
on  the  period  of  his  boyhood ;  and  would  sooner  suffer  the  pangs 
of  matrimony  than  acknowledge  that  the  world,  or  any  thing  in 
it,  is  half  so  clever  as  it  was  in  those  good  old  times  that  are 
"  gone  by." 

I  believe  I  have  already  mentioned,  that  with  all  his  good  qua 
lities  he  is  a  humorist,  and  a  humorist  of  the  highest  order.  He 
has  some  of  the  most  intolerable  whim- whams  I  ever  met  with  in 
my  life,  and  his  oddities  are  sufficient  to  eke  out  a  hundred  tole 
rable  originals.  But  I  will  not  enlarge  on  them — enough  has 
been  told  to  excite  a  desire  to  know  more ;  and  I  am  much  mis 
taken,  if  in  the  course  of  half  a  dozen  of  our  numbers,  he  don't 
tickle,  plague,  please,  and  perplex  the  whole  town,  and  com 
pletely  establish  his  claim  to  the  laureateship  he  has  solicited, 
and  with  which  we  hereby  invest  him,  recommending  him  and 
his  effusions  to  public  reverence  and  respect. 

LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF. 


TO  LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,  ESQ. 

DEAR  LAUNCE, 

As  I  find  you  have  taken  the  quill, 
To  put  our  gay  town  and  its  fair  under  drill, 
I  offer  my  hopes  for  success  to  your  cause, 
And  send  you  unvarnish'd  my  mite  of  applause. 

Ah,  Launce,  this  poor  town  has  been  woefully  fash'd ; 
Has  long  been  be-Frenchman'd.  be-cockney'd,  betrash'd , 
And  our  ladies  be-devil'd  bewilder'd  astray, 


26  SALMAGUNDI. 

From  the  rules  of  their  grandames  have  wander'd  away. 
No  longer  that  modest  demeanor  we  meet, 
"Which  whilom  the  eyes  of  our  fathers  did  greet ; 
No  longer  be-mobbled,  be-ruffled,  be-quilled, 
Be-powder'd,  be-hooded,  be-patch'd  and  be-frill'd. 
No  longer  our  fair  ones  their  grograms  display, 
And  stiff  in  brocade,  strut  "  like  castles"  away. 

Oh,  how  fondly  my  soul  forms  departed  have  traced, 
"When  our  ladies  in  stays,  and  in  boddice  well  laced, 
"When  bishop'd,  and  cushion'd,  and  hoop'd  to  the  chin, 
Well  callash'd  without,  and  well  bolster'd  within ; 
All  cased  in  their  buckrams,  from  crown  down  to  tail, 
Like  O'Brallaghan's  mistress,  were  shaped  like  a  pail. 

"Well — peace  to  those  fashions — the  joy  of  our  eyes — 
Tempora  mutantur,  new  follies  will  rise ; 
Yet,  "  like  joys  that  are  past,"  they  still  crowd  on  the  mind, 
In  moments  of  thought,  as  the  soul  looks  behind. 

Sweet  days  of  our  boyhood,  gone  by,  my  dear  Launce, 
Like  the  shadows  of  night,  or  the  forms  in  a  trance  ; 
Yet  oft  we  retrace  those  bright  visions  again, 
Nos  mutamur,  'tis  true — but  those  visions  remain. 
I  recall  with  delight,  how  my  bosom  would  creep, 
When  some  delicate  foot  from  its  chamber  would  peep ; 
And  when  I  a  neat  stocking'd  ankle  could  spy, 
By  the  sages  of  old  I  was  rapt  to  the  sky ! 
All  then  was  retiring,  was  modest,  discreet  ; 
The  beauties,  all  shrouded,  were  left  to  conceit ; 
To  the  visions  which  fancy  would  form  in  her  eye, 
Of  graces  that  snug  in  soft  ambush  would  lie ; 
And  the  heart,  like  the  poets,  in  thought  would  pursue 
The  elysium  of  bliss,  which  was  veiled  from  its  view. 

We  are  old-fashion'd  fellows,  our  nieces  will  say : 
Old-fashioned,  indeed,  coz — and  swear  it  they  may — 
For  I  freely  confess  that  it  yields  me  no  pride, 
To  see  them  all  blaze  what  their  mothers  would  hide : 
To  see  them,  all  shivering,  some  cold  winter's  day, 
So  lavish  then-  beauties  and  graces  display, 
And  give  to  each  fopling  that  offers  his  hand, 
Like  Moses  from  Pisgah — a  peep  at  the  land. 

But  a  truce  with  complaining — the  object  in  view 
Is  to  offer  my  help  in  the  work  you  pursue ; 
And  as  your  effusions  and  labors  sublime, 
May  need,  now  and  then,  a  few  touches  of  rhyme, 
I  humbly  solicit,  as  cousin  and  friend, 
A  quiddity,  quirk,  or  remonstrance  to  send : 
Or  should  you  a  laureate  want  in  your  plan, 
By  the  muff  of  my  grandmother,  I  am  your  man ! 
You  must  know  I  have  got  a  poetical  mill, 
Which  with  odd  lines,  and  couplets,  and  triplets  I  fill ; 


SALMAGUNDI.  2t 

And  a  poem  1  grind,  as  from  rags  white  and  blue 
The  paper-mill  yields  you  a  sheet  fair  and  new. 
I  can  grind  down  an  ode,  or  an  epic  that's  long, 
Into  sonnet,  acrostic,  conundrum,  or  song : 
As  to  dull  hudibrastic,  so  boasted  of  late, 
The  doggrel  discharge  of  some  muddle-brain'd  pate, 
I  can  grind  it  by  wholesale — and  give  it  its  point, 
"With  billingsgate  dished  up  in  rhymes  out  of  joint. 

I  have  read  all  the  poets — and  got  them  by  heart, 
Can  slit  them,  and  twist  them,  and  take  them  apart ; 
Can  cook  up  an  ode  out  of  patches  and  shreds, 
To  muddle  my  readers,  and  bother  their  heads. 
Old  Homer,  and  Virgil,  and  Ovid  I  scan, 
Anacreon,  and  Sappho,  who  changed  to  a  swan ; — 
Iambics  and  sapphics  I  grind  at  my  will, 
And  with  ditties  of  love  every  noddle  can  fill. 

Oh,  'twould  do  your  heart  good,  Launce,  to  see  my  mill  grind 
Old  stuff  into  verses,  and  poems  refin'd : — 
Dan  Spenser,  Dan  Chaucer,  those  poets  of  old, 
Though  covered  with  dust,  are  yet  true  sterling  gold ; 
I  can  grind  off  their  tarnish,  and  bring  them  to  view, 
New  modell'd,  new  mill'd,  and  improved  in  their  hue. 

But  I  promise  no  more — only  give  me  the  place 
And  I'll  warrant  I'll  fill  it  with  credit  and  grace ; 
By  the  living  I  I'll  figure  and  cut  you  a  dash 
— As  bold  as  Will  Wizard,  or  'SBIDLIKENS-FLASH  I 

PINDAR  COCKLOFT. 


ADVERTISEMENT. 

PERHAPS  the  most  fruitful  source  of  mortification  to  a  merry 
writer  who,  for  the  amusement  of  himself  and  the  public,  employs 
his  leisure  in  sketching  odd  characters  from  imagination,  is  that 
he  cannot  flourish  his  pen,  but  every  Jack-pudding  imagines  it  is 
pointed  directly  at  himself: — he  cannot,  in  his  gambols,  throw  a  fool's 
cap  among  the  crowd,  but  every  queer  fellow  insists  upon  putting 
it  on  his  own  head ;  or  chalk  an  outlandish  figure,  but  every  out 
landish  genius  is  eager  to  write  his  own  name  under  it.  However 
we  may  be  mortified,  that  these  men  should  each  individually 
think  himself  of  sufficient  consequence  to  engage  our  attention, 
we  should  not  care  a  rush  about  it,  if  they  did  not  get  into  a  pas 
sion,  and  complain  of  having  been  ill  used. 

It  is  not  in  our  hearts  to  hurt  the  feelings  of  one  single  mortal, 
by  holding  him  up  to  public  ridicule ;  and  if  it  were,  we  lay  it 
down  as  one  of  our  indisputable  facts,  that  no  man  can  be  made 


28  SALMAGUNDI. 

ridiculous  but  by  his  own  folly.  As  however  wo  are  aware  that 
when  a  man  by  chance  gets  a  thwack  in  the  crowd,  he  is  apt  to 
suppose  the  blow  was  intended  exclusively  for  himself,  and  so  fall 
into  unreasonable  anger,  we  have  determined  to  let  these  crusty 
gentry  know  what  kind  of  satisfaction  they  are  to  expect  from  us. 
"We  are  resolved  not  to  fight,  for  three  special  reasons;  first, 
because  fighting  is  at  all  events  extremely  troublesome  and  incon 
venient,  particularly  at  this  season  of  the  year;  second,  because 
if  either  of  us  should  happen  to  be  killed,  it  would  be  a  great  loss 
to  the  public,  and  rob  them  of  many  a  good  laugh  we  have  in 
store  for  their  amusement ;  and  third,  because  if  we  should  chance 
to  kill  our  adversary,  as  is  most  likely,  for  we  can  every  one  of  us 
split  balls  upon  razors  and  snuff  candles,  it  would  be  a  loss  to  our 
publisher,  by  depriving  him  of  a  good  customer.  If  any  gentle 
man  casuist  will  give  three  as  good  reasons  for  fighting,  we  pro 
mise  him  a  complete  set  of  Salmagundi  for  nothing. 

But  though  we  do  not  fight  in  our  own  proper  persons,  let  it 
not  be  supposed  that  we  will  not  give  ample  satisfaction  to  all 
those  who  may  choose  to  demand  it — for  this  would  be  a  mistake 
of  the  first  magnitude,  and  lead  very  valiant  gentlemen  perhaps 
into  what  is  called  a  quandary.  It  would  be  a  thousand  and  one 
pities,  that  any  honest  man,  after  taking  to  himself  the  cap  and 
bells  which  we  merely  offered  to  his  acceptance,  should  not  have 
the  privilege  of  being  cudgelled  into  the  bargain.  ~VVe  pride  our 
selves  upon  giving  satisfaction  in  every  department  of  our  paper ; 
and  to  fill  that  of  fighting,  have  engaged  two  of  those  strapping 
heroes  of  the  theatre,  who  figure  in  the  retinues  of  our  gingerbread 
kings  and  queens  ;  now  hurry  an  old  stuff  petticoat  on  their  backs, 
and  strut  senators  of  Rome,  or  aldermen  of  London ; — and  now 
be-whisker  their  muffin  faces  with  burnt  cork,  and  swagger  right 
valiant  warriors,  armed  cap-a-pie,  in  buckram.  Should  therefore 
any  great  little  man  about  town  take  offence  at  our  good-natured 
villany,  though  we  intend  to  offend  nobody  under  heaven,  he 
will  please  to  apply  at  any  hour  after  twelve  o'clock,  as  our  cham 
pions  will  then  be  off  duty  at  the  theatre,  and  ready  for  any  thing. 
They  have  promised  to  fight  "  with  or  without  balls" — to  give  two 
tweaks  of  the  nose  for  one — to  submit  to  be  kicked,  and  to  cudgel 
their  applicant  most  heartily  in  return ;  this  being  what  we  under 
stand  by  "  the  satisfaction  of  a  gentleman." 


SALMAGUNDI.  29 


No.  HI.— FRIDAY,  FEBRUARY  13,  1807. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

As  I  delight  in  everything  novel  and  eccentric,  and  would  at 
any  time  give  an  old  coat  for  a  new  idea,  I  am  particularly  atten 
tive  to  the  manners  and  conversation  of  strangers,  and  scarcely 
ever  a  traveller  enters  this  city,  whose  appearance  promises  any 
thing  original,  but  by  some  means  or  another  I  form  an  acquaint 
ance  with  him.  I  must  confess  I  often  suffer  manifold  afflictions 
from  the  intimacies  thus  contracted:  my  curiosity  is  frequently 
punished  by  the  stupid  details  of  a  blockhead,  or  the  shallow  ver 
bosity  of  a  coxcomb.  Now  I  would  prefer  at  any  time  to  travel 
with  an  ox-team  through  a  Carolina  sand-flat,  rather  than  plod 
through  a  heavy  unmeaning  conversation  with  the  former ;  and 
as  to  the  latter,  I  would  sooner  hold  sweet  converse  with  the 
wheel  of  a  knifegrinder  than  endure  his  monotonous  chattering. 
In  fact,  the  strangers  who  flock  to  this  most  pleasant  of  ah1  earthly 
cities,  are  generally  mere  birds  of  passage  whose  plumage  is  often 
gay  enough,  I  own,  but  their  notes,  "heaven  save  the  mark,"  are 
as  unmusical  as  those  of  that  classic  night  bird  which  the  ancients 
humorously  selected  as  the  emblem  of  wisdom.  Those  from  the 
south,  it  is  true,  entertain  me  with  their  horses,  equipages,  and 
puns ;  and  it  is  excessively  pleasant  to  hear  a  couple  of  these 
four-in-hand  gentlemen  detail  their  exploits  over  a  bottle.  Those 
from  the  east,  have  often  induced  me  to  doubt  the  existence  of 
the  wise  men  of  yore,  who  are  said  to  have  flourished  in  that 
quarter ;  and  as  for  those  from  parts  beyond  seas — oh  !  my  mas 
ters,  ye  shall  hear  more  from  me  anon.  Heaven  help  this  un 
happy  town ! — hath  it  not  goslings  enow  of  its  own  hatching  and 
rearing,  that  it  must  be  overwhelmed  by  such  an  inundation  of 
ganders  from  other  climes?  I  would  not  have  any  of  my  cour 
teous  and  gentle  readers  suppose  that  I  am  running  a  muck,  full 
tiJt,  cut  and  slash,  upon  all  foreigners  indiscriminately.  I  have 
no  national  antipathies,  though  related  to  the  Cockloft  family.  As 
to  honest  John  Bull,  I  shake  him  heartily  by  the  hand,  assuring 
him  that  I  love  his  jolly  countenance,  and,  moreover,  am  lineally 
descended  from  him ;  in  proof  of  which  I  allege  my  invincible 
predilection  for  roast  beef  and  pudding.  I  therefore  look  upon 
all  his  children  as  my  kinsmen ;  and  I  beg,  when  I  tickle  a  cock 
ney,  I  may  not  be  understood  as  trimming  an  Englishman ;  they 


30  SALMAGUNDI. 

being  very  distinct  animals,  as  I  shall  clearly  demonstrate  in  a  fu 
ture  number.  If  any  one  wishes  to  know  my  opinion  of  the  Irish 
and  Scotch,  he  may  find  it  in  the  characters  of  those  two  nations, 
drawn  by  the  first  advocate  of  the  age.  But  the  French,  I  must 
confess,  are  my  favorites ;  and  I  have  taken  more  pains  to  argue 
my  cousin  Pindar  out  of  his  antipathy  to  them,  than  I  ever  did 
about  any  other  thing.  "When,  therefore,  I  choose  to  hunt  a 
Monsieur  for  my  own  particular  amusement,  I  beg  it  may  not  be 
asserted  that  I  intend  him  as  a  representative  of  his  countrymen 
at  large.  Far  from  this — I  love  the  nation,  as  being  a  nation  of 
right  merry  fellows,  possessing  the  true  secret  of  being  happy ; 
fwhich  is  nothing  more  than  thinking  of  nothing,  talking  about 
anything,  and  laughing  at  everything.  I  mean  only  to  tune  up 
those  little  thingimys,  who  represent  nobody  but  themselves; 
who  have  no  national  trait  about  them  but  their  language,  and 
who  hop  about  our  town  in  swarms,  like  little  toads  after  a 
shower. 

Among  the  few  strangers  whose  acquaintance  has  entertained 
me,  I  particularly  rank  the  magnanimous  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB 
KELI  KHAN,  a  most  illustrious  captain  of  a  ketch,  who  figured, 
some  time  since,  in  our  fashionable  circles,  at  the  head  of  a  ragged 
regiment  of  Tripolitan  prisoners.  His  conversation  was  to  me  a 
perpetual  feast ; — I  chuckled  with  inward  pleasure  at  his  whimsi 
cal  mistakes  and  unaffected  observations  on  men  and  mariners; 
and  I  rolled  each  odd  conceit  "  like  a  sweet  morsel  under  my 
tongue." 

Whether  Mustapha  was  captivated  by  my  iron-bound  physiog 
nomy,  or  flattered  by  the  attentions  which  I  paid  him,  I  won't  de 
termine;  but  I  so  far  gained  his  confidence,  that,  at  his  depar 
ture,  he  presented  me  with  a  bundle  of  papers,  containing,  among 
other  articles,  several  copies  of  letters,  which  he  had  written  to 
his  friends  at  Tripoli.  The  following  is  a  translation  of  one  of 
them.  The  original  is  in  Arabic-Greek ;  but  by  the  assistance  of 
Will  Wizard,  who  understands  all  languages,  not  excepting  that 
manufactured  by  Psalmanazar,  I  have  been  enabled  to  accomplish 
a  tolerable  translation.  We  should  have  found  little  difficulty  in 
rendering  it  into  English,  had  it  not  been  for  Mustapha's  con 
founded  pot-hooks  and  trammels. 


LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELI  KHAN, 

CAPTAIN   OF   A   KETCH,  TO   ASEM   HACCHEM,  PRINCIPAL   SLAVE- 
DRIVER  TO  HIS  HIGHNESS  THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

THOU  wilt  learn  from  this  letter,  most  illustrious  disciple  of 


SALMAGUNDI.  31 

Mahomet,  that  I  have  for  some  time  resided  in  New  York ;  tho 
most  polished,  vast,  and  magnificent  city  of  the  United  States  of 
America.  But  what  to  mo  are  its  delights!  I  wander  a  captive 
through  its  splendid  streets,  I  turn  a  heavy  eye  on  every  rising- 
day  that  beholds  me  banished  from  my  country.  The  Christian 
husbands  here  lament  most  bitterly  any  short  absence  from  home, 
though  they  leave  but  one  wife  behind  to  lament  their  departure ; 
— what  then  must  be  the  feelings  of  thy  unhappy  kinsman,  while 
thus  lingering  at  an  immeasurable  distance  from  three-and-twenty 
of  the  most  lovely  and  obedient  wives  hi  all  Tripoli  I  Oh,  Allah ! 
shall  thy  servant  never  again  return  to  his  native  land,  nor  behold 
his  beloved  wives,  who  beam  on  his  memory  beautiful  as  the  rosy 
morn  of  the  east,  and  graceful  as  Mahomet's  camel ! 

Yet  beautiful,  oh,  most  puissant  slave-driver,  as  are  my  wives, 
they  are  far  exceeded  by  the  women  of  this  country.  Even  those 
who  run  about  the  streets  with  bare  arms  and  necks  (et  cetera) 
whose  habiliments  are  too  scanty  to  protect  them  either  from  the 
inclemency  of  the  seasons,  or  the  scrutinizing  glances  of  the 
curious,  and  who  it  would  seem  belong  to  nobody,  are  lovely  as 
the  houris  that  people  the  elysium  of  true  believers.  If  then,  such 
as  run  wild  in  the  highways,  and  whom  no  one  cares  to  appro 
priate,  are  thus  beauteous,  what  must  be  the  charms  of  those  who 
are  shut  up  in  the  seraglios,  and  never  permitted  to  go  abroad  I 
surely  the  region  of  beauty,  the  valley  of  the  graces,  can  contain 
nothing  so  inimitably  fair  1 

But,  notwithstanding  the  charms  of  these  infidel  women,  they  are 
apt  to  have  one  fault,  which  is  extremely  troublesome  and  incon 
venient.  Wouldst  thou  believe  it,  Asem,  I  have  been  positively 
assured  by  a  famous  dervise,  or  doctor,  as  he  is  here  called,  that  at 
least  one-fifth  part  of  them — have  souls!  incredible  as  it  may 
seem  to  thee,  I  am  the  more  inclined  to  believe  them  in  possession 
of  tin's  monstrous  superfluity,  from  my  own  little  experience,  and 
from  the  information  which  I  have  derived  from  others.  In  walking 
the  streets  I  have  actually  seen  an  exceedingly  good  looking  wo 
man,  with  soul  enough  to  box  her  husband's  ears  to  his  heart's  con 
tent,  and  my  very  whiskers  trembled  with  indignation  at  the  abject 
state  of  these  wretched  infidels.  I  am  told,  moreover,  that  some 
of  the  women  have  soul  enough  to  usurp  the  breeches  of  tho  men, 
but  these  I  suppose  are  married  and  kept  close ;  for  I  have  not, 
in  my  rambles,  met  with  any  so  extravagantly  accoutred :  others, 
I  am  informed,  have  soul  enough  to  swear! — yea!  by  the  beard 
of  the  great  Omar,  who  prayed  three  times  to  each  of  the  one 
hundred  and  twenty-four  thousand  prophets  of  our  most  holy  faith, 
and  who  never  swore  but  once  in  his  life — they  actually  swear ! 

Get  thee  to  the  mosque,  good  Asem !  return  thanks  to  our  most 
holy  prophet,  that  he  has. been  thus  mindful  of  the  comfort  of  all 
true  Mussulmen,  and  has  given  them  wives  with  no  more  souls 
than  cats  and  dogs,  and  other  necessary  animals  of  the  house 
hold. 


32  SALMAGUNDI. 

Thou  wilt  doubtless  be  anxious  to  learn  our  reception  in  this 
country,  and  how  we  were  treated  by  a  people  whom  we  have 
been  accustomed  to  consider  as  unenlightened  barbarians. 

On  landing  we  were  waited  upon  to  our  lodgings,  I  suppose 
according  to  the  directions  of  the  municipality,  by  a  vast  and 
respectable  escort  of  boys  and  negroes ;  who  shouted  and  threw 
up  their  hats,  doubtless  to  do  honor  to  the  magnanimous  Musta- 
pha,  captain  of  a  ketch ;  they  were  somewhat  ragged  and  dirty  in 
their  equipments,  but  this  we  attributed  to  their  republican  sim 
plicity.  One  of  them,  in  the  zeal  of  admiration,  threw  an  old  shoe, 
which  gave  thy  friend  rather  an  ungentle  salutation  on  one  side 
of  the  head,  whereat  I  was  not  a  little  offended,  until  the  inter 
preter  informed  us  that  this  was  the  customary  manner  in  which 
great  men  were  honored  in  this  country ;  and  that  the  more  dis 
tinguished  they  were,  the  more  they  were  subjected  to  the  attacks 
and  peltings  of  the  mob.  Upon  this  I  bowed  my  head  three 
times,  with  my  hands  to  my  turban,  and  made  a  speech  in  Arabic- 
Greek,  which  gave  great  satisfaction,  and  occasioned  a  shower  of 
old  shoes,  hats,  and  so  forth,  that  was  exceedingly  refreshing  to 
us  all. 

Thou  wilt  not  as  yet  expect  that  I  should  give  thee  an  account 
of  the  laws  and  politics  of  this  country.  I  will  reserve  them  for 
some  future  letter,  when  I  shall  be  more  experienced  in  their 
complicated  and  seemingly  contradictory  nature. 

This  empire  is  governed  by  a  grand  and  most  puissant  bashaw, 
whom  they  dignify  with  the  title  of  president.  He  is  chosen  by 
persons,  who  are  chosen  by  an  assembly,  elected  by  the  people — 
hence  the  mob  is  called  the  sovereign  people — and  the  country, 
free ;  the  body  politic  doubtless  resembling  a  vessel,  which  is  best 
governed  by  its  tail.  The  present  bashaw  is  a  very  plain  old  gentle 
man — something  they  say  of  a  humorist,  as  he  amuses  himself  with 
impaling  butterflies  and  pickling  tadpoles ;  he  is  rather  declining 
in  popularity,  having  given  great  offence  by  wearing  red  breeches, 
and  tying  his  horse  to  a  post.  The  people  of  the  United  States 
have  assured  me  that  they  themselves  are  the  most  enlightened 
nation  under  the  sun ;  but  thou  knowest  that  the  barbarians  of 
the  desert,  who  assemble  at  the  summer  solstice,  to  shoot  their 
arrows  at  that  glorious  luminary,  in  order  to  extinguish  his  burn 
ing  rays,  make  precisely  the  same  boast; — which  of  them  have 
the  superior  claim,  I  shall  not  attempt  to  decide. 

I  have  observed,  with  some  degree  of  surprise,  that  the  men  of 
this  country  do  not  seem  in  haste  to  accommodate  themselves  even 
with  the  single  wife  which  alone  the  laws  permit  them  to  marry ; 
this  backwardness  is  probably  owing  to  the  misfortune  of  their 
absolutely  having  no  female  mutes  among  them.  Thou  knowest 
how  invaluable  are  these  silent  companions; — what  a  price  is 
given  for  them  in  the  east,  and  what  entertaining  wives  they 
make.  What  delightful  entertainment  arises  from  beholding  the 
silent  eloquence  of  their  signs  and  gestures ;  but  a  wife  possessed 


SALMAGUNDI.  33 

both  of  a  tongue  and  a  soul — monstrous !  monstrous  I  is  it  asto 
nishing  that  these  unhappy  infidels  should  shrink  from  a  union 
with  a  woman  so  preposterously  endowed ! 

Thou  hast  doubtless  read  in  the  works  of  Abul  Faraj,  the  Ara 
bian  historian,  the  tradition  which  mentions  that  the  muses  were 
once  upon  the  point  of  falling  together  by  the  ears  about  the 
admission  of  a  tenth  among  their  number,  until  she  assured  them. 
by  signs,  that  she  was  dumb ;  whereupon  they  received  her  with 
great  rejoicing.  I  should,  perhaps,  inform  thee  that  there  are  but 
nine  Christian  muses,  who  were  formerly  pagans,  but  have  since 
been  converted,  and  that  in  this  country  we  never  hear  of  a  tenth, 
unless  some  crazy  poet  wishes  to  pay  a  hyperbolical  compliment 
to  his  mistress ;  on  which  occasion  it  goes  hard  but  she  figures  as 
a  tenth  muse,  or  fourth  grace,  even  though  she  should  be  more 
illiterate  than  a  Hottentot,  and  more  ungraceful  than  a  dancing- 
bear  !  Since  my  arrival  in  this  country,  I  have  met  with  not  less 
than  a  hundred  of  these  supernumerary  muses  and  graces — and 
may  Allah  preserve  me  from  ever  meeting  with  any  more ! 

When  I  have  studied  this  people  more  profoundly,  I  will  write 
thee  again ;  in  the  mean  time  watch  over  my  household,  and  do 
not  beat  my  beloved  wives  unless  you  catch  them  with  their  noses 
out  at  the  window.  Though  far  distant,  and  a  slave,  let  me  live 
in  thy  heart  as  thou  livest  in  mine : — think  not,  oh,  friend  of  my 
soul,  that  the  splendors  of  this  luxurious  capital,  its  gorgeous 
palaces,  its  stupendous  mosques,  and  the  beautiful  females  who 
run  wild  in  herds  about  its  streets,  can  obliterate  thee  from  my 
remembrance.  Thy  name  shall  still  be  mentioned  in  the  five-and- 
twenty  prayers  which  I  offer  up  daily ;  and  may  our  great  pro 
phet,  after  bestowing  on  thee  all  the  blessings  of  this  life,  at 
length,  in  good  old  age,  lead  thee  gently  by  the  hand,  to  enjoy 
the  dignity  of  bashaw  of  three  tails  in  the  blissful  bowers  of  Eden. 

MUSTAPHA. 


FASHIONS. 

BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

The  following  article  is  furnished  me  by  a  young  lady  of  unques 
tionable  taste,  and  who  is  the  oracle  of  fashion  and  frippery. 
Being  deeply  initiated  into  all  the  mysteries  of  the  toilet,  she  has 
promised  me,  from  time  to  time,  a  similar  detail. 

MRS.  TOOLE  has  for  some  time  reigned  unrivalled  in  the  fashion 
able  world,  and  had  the  supreme  direction  of  caps,  bonnets,  fea 
thers,  flowers,  and  tinsel.  She  has  dressed  and  undressed  our  ladies 


34  SALMAGUNDI. 

just  as  she  pleased ;  now  loading  them  with  velvet  and  wadding, 
now  turning  them  adrift  upon  the  world  to  run  shivering  through 

the  streets  with  scarcely  a  covering  to  their backs ;  and  now 

obliging  them  to  drag  a  long  train  at  their  heels,  like  the  tail  of  a 
paper  kite.  Her  despotic  sway,  however,  threatens  to  be  limited. 
A  dangerous  rival  has  sprung  up  in  the  person  of  Madame 
BOUCHARD,  an  intrepid  little  woman,  fresh  from  the  head-quar 
ters  of  fashion  and  folly,  and  who  has  burst  like  a  second  Bona 
parte  upon  the  fashionable  world.  Mrs.  Toole,  notwithstanding, 
seems  determined  to  dispute  her  ground  bravely  for  the  honor  of 
old  England.  The  ladies  have  begun  to  arrange  themselves 
under  the  banner  of  one  or  other  of  these  heroines  of  the  needle, 
and  every  thing  portends  open  war.  Madame  Bouchard  marches 
gallantly  to  the  field,  flourishing  a  flaming  red  robe  for  a  stand 
ard,  "flouting  the  skies;"  and  Mrs.  Toole,  no  ways  dismayed, 
sallies  out  under  cover  of  a  forest  of  artificial  flowers,  like  Mal 
colm's  host.  Both  parties  possess  great  merit,  and  both  deserve 
the  victory.  Mrs.  Toole  charges  the  highest,  but  Madame  Bou 
chard  makes  the  lowest  courtesy.  Madame  Bouchard  is  a  little 
short  lady — nor  is  there  any  hope  of  her  growing  larger  ; 
but  then  she  is  perfectly  genteel,  and  so  is  Mrs.  Toole.  Mrs. 
Toole  lives  in  Broadway,  and  Madame  Bouchard  in  Courtlandt 
street;  but  Madame  atones  for  the  inferiority  of  her  stand  by 
making  two  courtesies  to  Mrs.  Toole's  one,  and  talking  French 
like  an  angel.  Mrs.  Toole  is  the  best  looking,  but  Madame  Bou 
chard  wears  a  most  bewitching  little  scrubby  wig.  Mrs.  Toole  is 
the  tallest,  but  Madame  Bouchard  has  the  longest  nose.  Mrs. 
Toole  is  fond  of  roast  beef,  but  Madame  Bouchard  is  loyal  in  her 
adherence  to  onions ;  in  short,  so  equally  are  the  merits  of  the 
two  ladies  balanced,  that  there  is  no  judging  which  will  "  kick 
the  beam."  It  however  seems  to  be  the  prevailing  opinion  that 
Madame  Bouchard  will  carry  the  day,  because  she  wears  a  wig, 
has  a  long  nose,  talks  French,  loves  onions,  and  does  not  charge 
above  ten  times  as  much  for  a  thing  as  it  is  worth. 


Under  the  direction  of  these  high  priestesses  of  the  beau-nionde,  the 
following  is  the  fashionable  morning  dress  for  walking. 

IF  the  weather  be  very  cold,  a  thin  muslin  gown  or  frock  is 
most  advisable,  because  it  agrees  with  the  season,  being  per 
fectly  cool.  The  neck,  arms,  and  particularly  the  elbows  bare,  in 
order  that  they  may  be  agreeably  painted  and  mottled  by  Mr. 
JOHN  FROST,  nose-painter-general,  of  the  color  of  Castile  soap. 
Shoes  of  kid,  the  thinnest  that  can  possibly  be  procured — as  they 
lend  to  promote  colds,  and  make  a  lady  look  interesting — (i.  e. 
grizzly).  Picnic  silk  stockings,  with  lace  clocks,  flesh-colored  are 
most  fashionable,  as  they  have  the  appearance  of  bare  legs — mi- 


SALMAGUNDI.  35 

dity  being  all  the  rage.  The  stockings  carelessly  bespattered 
with  mud,  to  agree  with  the  gown,  which  should  be  bordered 
about  three  inches  deep  with  the  most  fashionable  colored  mud 
that  can  be  found :  the  ladies  permitted  to  hold  up  their  trains, 

after  they  have  swept  two  or  three  streets,  in  order  to  show 

the  clocks  of  their  stockings.  The  shawl  scarlet,  crimson,  flame, 
orange,  salmon,  or  any  other  combustible  or  brimstone  color, 
thrown  over  one  shoulder,  like  an  Indian  blanket,  with  one  end 
dragging  on  the  ground. 

N.  B.  If  the  ladies  have  not  a  red  shawl  at  hand,  a  red  petti 
coat  turned  topsy-turvy  over  the  shoulders  would  do  just  as  well. 
This  is  called  being  dressed  d  la  drabbk. 

When  the  ladies  do  not  go  abroad  of  a  morning,  the  usual 
chimney-corner  dress  is  a  dotted,  spotted,  striped,  or  cross-barred 
gown ;  a  yellowish,  whitish,  smokish,  dirty-colored  shawl,  and 
the  hair  curiously  ornamented  with  little  bits  of  newspapers,  or 
pieces  of  a  letter  from  a  dear  friend.  This  is  called  the  "  Cin 
derella-dress." 

The  recipe  for  a  full  dress  is  as  follows :  take  of  spider-net, 
crape,  satin,  gymp,  cat-gut,  gauze,  whalebone,  lace,  bobbin, 
ribbons,  and  artificial  flowers,  as  much  as  will  rig  out  the  congre 
gation  of  a  village  church ;  to  these,  add  as  many  spangles, 
beads,  and  gew-gaws  as  would  be  sufficient  to  turn  the  heads  of 
all  the  fashionable  fair  ones  of  Nootka-sound.  Let  Mrs.  Toole  or 
Madame  Bouchard  patcli  all  these  articles  together,  one  upon 
another,  dash  them  plentifully  over  with  stars,  bugles,  and  tinsel, 
and  they  will  altogether  form  a  dress,  which,  hung  upon  a  lady's 
back,  cannot  fail  of  supplying  the  place  of  beauty,  youth,  and 
grace,  and  of  reminding  the  spectator  of  that  celebrated  region  of 
finery,  called  Rag  Fair. 


ONE  of  the  greatest  sources  of  amusement  incident  to  our 
humorous  knight  errantry,  is  to  ramble  about  and  hear  the 
various  conjectures  of  the  town  respecting  our  worships,  whom 
every  body  pretends  to  know  as  well  as  Falstaff  did  Prince  Hal, 
at  Gad's-hill.  We  have  sometimes  seen  a  sapient,  sleepy  fellow, 
on  being  tickled  with  a  straw,  make  a  furious  effort  and  fancy  he 
had  fairly  caught  a  gnat  in  his  grasp  ;  so,  that  many-headed  mon 
ster,  the  public,  who  with  all  its  heads,  is,  we  fear,  sadly  off  for 
brains,  has,  after  long-hovering,  come  souse  down,  like  a  king 
fisher,  on  the  authors  of  Salmagundi,  and  caught  them  as  cer 
tainly  as  the  aforesaid  honest  fellow  caught  the  gnat. 

Would  that  we  were  rich  enough  to  give  every  one  of  our  nu 
merous  readers  a  cent,  as  a  reward  for  their  ingenuity !  not  that  they 


36  SALMAGUNDI. 

have  really  conjectured  within  a  thousand  leagues  of  the  truth,  but 
that  we  consider  it  a  great  stretch  of  ingenuity  even  to  have 
guessed  wrong;  and  that  we  hold  ourselves  much  obliged  to 
them  for  having  taken  the  trouble  to  guess  at  all. 

One  of  the  most  tickling,  dear,  mischievous  pleasures  of  this 
life  is  to  laugh  in  one's  sleeve — to  sit  snug  in  the  corner,  unno 
ticed  and  unknown,  and  hear  the  wise  men  of  Gotham,  who  are 
profound  judges  of  horse-flesh,  pronounce,  from  the  style  of  our 
work,  who  are  the  authors.  This  listening  incog.,  and  receiving 
a  hearty  praising  over  another  man's  back,  is  a  situation  so  celes 
tially  whimsical,  that  we  have  done  little  else  than  laugh  in  our 
sleeve  ever  since  our  first  number  was  published. 

The  town  has  at  length  allayed  the  titillations  of  curiosity,  by 
fixing  on  two  young  gentlemen  of  literary  talents — that  is  to  say, 
they  are  equal  to  the  composition  of  a  newspaper  squib,  a  hodge 
podge  criticism,  or  some  such  trifle,  and  may  occasionally  raise  a 
smile  by  their  effusions;  but  pardon  us,  sweet  sirs,  if  we  mo 
destly  doubt  your  capability  of  supporting  the  burthen  of  Salma 
gundi,  or  of  keeping  up  a  laugh  for  a  whole  fortnight,  as  we  have 
done,  and  intend  to  do,  until  the  whole  town  becomes  a  commu 
nity  of  laughing  philosophers  like  ourselves.  We  have  no  inten 
tion,  however,  of  undervaluing  the  abilities  of  these  two  young 
men,  whom  we  verily  believe,  according  to  common  acceptation, 
young  men  of  promise. 

Were  we  ill-natured,  we  might  publish  something  that  would 
get  our  representatives  into  difficulties ;  but  far  be  it  from  us  to 
do  anything  to  the  injury  of  persons  to  whom  we  are  under  such 
obligations. 

While  they  stand  before  us,  wre,  like  little  Teucer,  behind  the 
sevenfold  shield  of  Ajax,  can  launch  unseen  our  sportive  arrows, 
which,  we  trust,  will  never  inflict  a  wound,  unless  like  his,  they 
fly,  "heaven-directed,"  to  some  conscious-struck  bosom. 

Another  marvellous  great  source  of  pleasure  to  us,  is  the  abuse 
our  work  has  received  from  several  wooden  gentlemen,  whose 
censures  we  covet  more  than  ever  we  did  anything  in  our  lives. 
The  moment  we  declared  open  war  against  folly  and  stupidity, 
we  expected  to  receive  no  quarter ;  and  to  provoke  a  confederacy 
of  all  the  blockheads  in  town.  For  it  is  one  of  our  indisputable 
facts,  that  so  sure  as  you  catch  a  gander  by  the  tail,  the  whole 
flock,  geese,  goslings,  one  and  all,  have  a  fellow-feeling  on  the 
occasion,  and  begin  to  cackle  and  hiss  like  so  many  devils  be 
witched.  As  we  have  a  profound  respect  for  these  ancient  and 
respectable  birds,  on  the  score  of  their  once  saving  the  capitol,  we 
hereby  declare  that  we  mean  no  offence  whatever  by  comparing 
them  to  the  aforesaid  confederacy.  We  have  heard,  in  our  walks, 
such  criticisms  on  Salmagundi,  as  almost  induced  a  belief  that 
folly  had  here,  as  in  the  east,  her  moments  of  inspired  idiotism. 
Every  silly  royster  has,  as  if  by  an  instinctive  sense  of  anticipated 
danger,  joined  in  the  cry,  and  condemned  us  without  mercy.  All 


SALMAGUNDI.  37 

is  thus  as  it  should  be.  It  would  have  mortified  us  very  sensibly 
had  we  been  disappointed  in  this  particular,  as  we  should  then 
have  been  apprehensive  that  our  shafts  had  fallen  to  the  ground, 
innocent  of  the  "  blood  or  brains"  of  a  single  numskull.  Our 
efforts  have  been  crowned  with  wonderful  success.  All  the  queer 
fish,  the  grubs,  the  flats,  the  noddies,  and  the  live  oak  and  timber 
gentlemen,  are  pointing  their  empty  guns  at  us;  and  we  are 
threatened  with  a  most  puissant  confederacy  of  the  "  pigmies  and 
cranes,"  and  other  "light  militia,"  backed  by  the  heavy-armed 
artillery  of  dulness  and  stupidity.  The  veriest  dreams  of  our 
most  sanguine  moments  are  thus  realized.  "We  have  no  fear  of 
the  censures  of  the  wise,  the  good,  or  the  fair,  for  they  will  ever 
be  sacred  from  our  attacks.  "We  reverence  the  wise,  love  the 
good,  and  adore  the  fair ;  we  declare  ourselves  champions  in  their 
cause ; — in  the  cause  of  morality ; — and  we  throw  our  gauntlet  to 
all  the  world  besides. 

While  we  profess  and  feel  the  same  indifference  to  public  ap 
plause  as  at  first,  we  most  earnestly  invite  the  attacks  and  cen 
sures  of  all  the  wooden  warriors  of  this  sensible  city ;  and  espe 
cially  of  that  distinguished  and  learned  body,  heretofore  cele 
brated  under  the  appellation  of  "  The  North  Kiver  Society."  The 
thrice  valiant  and  renowned  Don  Quixote  never  made  such  work 
amongst  the  wool-clad  warriors  of  Trapoban,  or  the  puppets  of 
the  itinerant  showman,  as  we  promise  to  make  among  these  fine 
fellows ;  and  we  pledge  ourselves  to  the  public  in  general,  and 
the  Albany  skippers  in  particular,  that  the  North  River  shall  not 
be  set  on  fire  this  winter  at  least,  for  we  shall  give  the  authors  of 
that  nefarious  scheme,  ample  employment  for  some  time  to  come. 


PROCLAMATION,  FROM  THE  MILL  OF  PINDAR  COCK 
LOFT,  ESQ. 

To  all  the  young  belles  who  enliven  our  scene, 
From  ripe  five-and-forty,  to  blooming  fifteen ; 
"Who  racket  at  routs,  and  who  rattle  at  plays, 
Who  visit,  and  fidget,  and  dance  out  their  days ; 
Who  conquer  all  hearts  with  a  shot  from  the  eye, 
"Who  freeze  with  a  frown,  and  who  thaw  with  a  sigh  : — 
To  all  those  bright  youths  who  embellish  the  age, 
Whether  young  boys,  or  old  boys,  or  numskull  or  sage : 
"Whether  DULL  DOGS,  who  cringe  at  their  mistress'  feet, 
Who  sigh  and  who  whine,  and  who  try  to  look  sweet ; 
Whether  TOUGH  DOGS,  who  squat  down  stock  still  in  a  row 


38  SALMAGUNDI. 

And  play  wooden  gentlemen  stuck  up  for  a  show ; 

Or  SAD  DOGS,  who  glory  in  running  their  rigs, 

Now  dash  in  their  sleighs,  and  now  whirl  in  their  gigs ; 

Who  riot  at  Dyde's  on  imperial  champaign, 

And  then  scour  our  city — the  peace  to  maintain ; 

To  whoe'er  it  concerns  or  may  happen  to  meet, 
By  these  presents  their  worships  I  lovingly  greet. 
Now  KNOW  YE,  that  I,  PINDAR  COCKLOFT,  esquire, 
Am  laureate,  appointed  at  special  desire  ; 
A  censor,  self-dubb'd,  to  admonish  the  fair, 
And  tenderly  take  the  town  under  my  care. 

I'm  a  ci-devant  beau,  cousin  Launcelot  has  said — 
A  remnant  of  habits  long  vanish'd  and  dead  : 
But  still,  though  my  heart  dwells  with  rapture  sublime, 
On  the  fashions  and  customs  which  reign'd  in  my  prime, 
I  yet  can  perceive — and  still  candidly  praise, 
Some  maxims  and  manners  of  these  "latter  days;" 
Still  own  that  some  wisdom  and  beauty  appears, 
Though  almost  entomb'd  in  the  rubbish  of  years. 

No  fierce  nor  tyrannical  cynic  am  I, 
Who  frown  on  each  foible  I  chance  to  espy ; 
Who  pounce  on  a  novelty,  just  like  a  kite, 
And  tear  up  a  victim  through  malice  or  spite ; 
Who  expose  to  the  scoffs  of  an  ill-natured  crew, 
A  trembler  for  starting  a  whim  that  is  new. 
No,  no — I  shall  cautiously  hold  up  my  glass, 
To  the  sweet  little  blossoms  who  heedlessly  pass ; 
My  remarks  not  too  pointed  to  wound  or  offend, 
Nor  so  vague  as  to  miss  their  benevolent  end  : 
Each  innocent  fashion  shall  have  its  full  sway ; 
New  modes  shall  arise  to  astonish  Broadway  : 
Red  hats  and  red  shawls  still  illumine  the  town, 
And  each  belle,  like  a  bon-fire,  blaze  up  and  down. 

Fair  spirits,  who  brighten  the  gloom  of  our  days, 
Who  cheer  this  dull  scene  with  your  heavenly  rays, 
No  mortal  can  love  you  more  firmly  and  true 
From  the  crown  of  the  head,  to  the  sole  of  your  shoe. 
I'm  old  fashion'd,  'tis  true, — but  still  runs  in  my  heart 
That  affectionate  stream,  to  which  youth  gave  the  start 
More  calm  in  its  current — yet  potent  in  force ; 
Less  ruffled  by  gales — but  still  steadfast  in  course. 
Though  the  lover,  enraptur'd,  no  longer  appears, — 
'Tis  the  guide  and  the  guardian  enlighten'd  by  years. 
All  ripen'd,  and  mellow'd,  and  soften'd  by  time, 
The  asperities  polish'd  which  chafed  in  my  prime ; 
I  am  fully  prepared  for  that  delicate  end, 
The  fair  one's  instructor,  companion  and  friend 
— And  should  I  perceive  you  in  fashion's  gay  dance, 
Allured  by  the  frippery  mongers  of  France, 


SALMAGUNDI.  39 

Expose  your  weak  frames  to  a  chill  wintry  sky 
To  be  nipp'd  by  its  frosts,  to  be  torn  from  the  eye ; 
My  soft  admonitions  shall  fall  on  your  ear — 
Shall  whisper  those  parents  to  whom  you  are  dear — 
Shall  warn  you  of  hazards  you  heedlessly  run, 
And  sing  of  those  fair  ones  whom  frost  has  undone , 
Bright  suns  that  would  scarce  on  our  horizon  dawn, 
Ere  shrouded  from  sight,  they  were  early  withdrawn ; 
Gay  sylphs,  who  have  floated  in  circles  below, 
As  pure  in  their  souls,  and  as  transient  as  snow  ; 
Sweet  roses,  that  bloom'd  and  decay'd  to  my  eye, 
And  of  forms  that  have  flitted  and  passed  to  the  sky. 
But  as  to  those  brainless  pert  bloods  of  our  town, 
Those  sprigs  of  the  tori  who  run  decency  down ; 
"Who  lounge  and  who  lout,  and  who  booby  about, 
No  knowledge  within,  and  no  manners  without ; 
"Who  stare  at  each  beauty  with  insolent  eyes ; 
"Who  rail  at  those  morals  their  fathers  would  prize ; 
"Who  are  loud  at  the  play — and  who  impiously  dare 
To  come  in  then-  cups  to  the  routs  of  the  fair ; 
I  shall  hold  up  my  mirror,  to  let  them  survey 
The  figures  they  cut  as  they  dash  it  away : 
Should  my  good-humored  verse  no  amendment  produce, 
Like  scarecrows,  at  least,  they  shall  still  be  of  use ; 
I  shall  stitch  them,  in  effigy,  up  in  my  rhyme, 
And  hold  them  aloft  through  the  progress  of  time, 
As  figures  of  fun  to  make  the  folks  laugh, 

Like  that  b h  of  an  angel  erected  by  Paff, 

"  "What  shtops,"  as  he  says,  "  all  de  people  what  come ; 
"  What  smiles  on  dem  all,  and  what  peats  on  de  tram." 


40  SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  IV.— TUESDAY,  FEBRUAKY  24,  1807. 
FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 


PERHAPS  there  is  no  class  of  men  to  which  the  curious  and 
literary  are  more  indebted  than  travellers ; — I  mean  travel-mon 
gers,  who  write  whole  volumes  about  themselves,  their  horses 
and  their  servants,  interspersed  with  anecdotes  of  inn-keepers, — 
droll  sayings  of  stage-drivers,  and  interesting  memoirs  of — the 
Lord  knows  who.  They  will  give  you  a  full  account  of  a  city, 
its  manners,  customs,  and  manufactures ;  though  perhaps  all  their 
knowledge  of  it  was  obtained  by  a  peep  from  their  inn- windows, 
and  an  interesting  conversation  with  the  landlord  or  the  waiter. 
America  has  had  its  share  of  these  buzzards ;  and  in  the  name  of 
my  countrymen  I  return  them  profound  thanks  for  the  compliments 
they  have  lavished  upon  us,  and  the  variety  of  particulars  con 
cerning  our  own  country,  which  we  should  never  have  discovered 
without  their  assistance. 

Influenced  by  such  sentiments,  I  am  delighted  to  find  that  the 
Cockloft  family,  among  its  other  whimsical  and  monstrous  pro 
ductions,  is  about  to  be  enriched  with  a  genuine  travel-writer. 
This  is  no  less  a  personage  than  Mr.  JEREMY  COCKLOFT,  the  only 
son  and  darling  pride  of  my  cousin,  Mr.  CHRISTOPHER  COCKLOFT. 
I  should  have  said  Jeremy  Cockloft,  the  younger,  as  he  so  styles 
himself,  by  way  of  distinguishing  him  from  IL  SIGNORE  JEREMY 
COCKLOFTICO,  a  gouty  old  gentleman,  who  flourished  about  the 
time  that  Pliny  the  elder  was  smoked  to  death  with  the  fire  and 
brimstone  of  Vesuvius ;  and  whose  travels,  if  he  ever  wrote  any, 
are  now  lost  for  ever  to  the  world.  Jeremy  is  at  present  in  his 
one-and-twentieth  year,  and  a  young  fellow  of  wonderful  quick 
parts,  if  you  will  trust  to  the  word  of  his  father  who,  having  be 
gotten  him,  should  be  the  best  judge  of  the  matter.  He  is  the 
oracle  of  the  family,  dictates  to  his  sisters  on  every  occasion, 
though  they  are  some  dozen  or  more  years  older  than  himself; — 
and  never  did  son  give  mother  better  advice  than  Jeremy. 

As  old  Cockloft  was  determined  his  son  should  be  both  a  scho 
lar  and  a  gentleman,  he  took  great  pains  with  his  education,  which 
was  completed  at  our  university,  where  he  became  exceedingly 
expert  in  quizzing  his  teachers  and  playing  billiards.  No  student 
made  better  squibs  and  crackers  to  blow  up  the  chymical  profes- 


SALMAGUNDI.  41 

sor ;  no  one  chalked  more  ludicrous  caricatures  on  the  walls  of 
the  college;  and  none  were  more  adroit  in  shaving  pigs  and 
climbing  lightning  rods.  He  moreover  learned  all  the  letters  of 
the  Greek  alphabet ;  could  demonstrate  that  water  never  "  of  its 
own  accord  "  rose  above  the  level  of  its  source,  and  that  air  was 
certainly  the  principle  of  life ;  fur  he  had  been  entertained  with 
the  humane  experiment  of  a  cat,  worried  to  death  in  an  air-pump, 
lie  once  shook  down  the  ash-house,  by  an  artificial  earthquake  ; 
and  nearly  blew  his  sister  Barbara,  and  her  cat,  out  of  the  window 
with  thundering  powder.  He  likewise  boasts  exceedingly  of 
being  thoroughly  acquainted  with  the  composition  of  Lacedemo 
nian  black  broth;  and  once  made  a  pot  of  it,  which  had  well 
nigh  poisoned  the  whole  family,  and  actually  threw  the  cook-maid 
into  convulsions.  But  above  all,  he  values  himself  upon  his 
logic,  has  the  old  college  conundrum  of  the  cat  with  three  tails 
at  his  fingers'  ends,  and  often  hampers  his  father  with  his  syllo 
gisms,  to  the  great  delight  of  the  old  gentleman ;  who  considers 
the  major,  minor,  and  conclusion,  as  almost  equal  in  argument  to 
the  pulley,  the  wedge,  and  the  lever,  in  mechanics.  In  fact,  my 
cousin  Cockloft  was  once  nearly  annihilated  with  astonishment, 
on  hearing  Jeremy  trace  the  derivation  of  Mango  from  Jeremiah 
King; — as  Jeremiah  King,  Jerry  King!  Jerking,  Girkin!  cu 
cumber,  Mango  1  in  short,  had  Jeremy  been  a  student  at  Oxford 
or  Cambridge,  he  would,  in  all  probability,  have  been  promoted 
to  the  dignity  of  a  senior  wrangler.  By  this  sketch,  I  mean  no 
disparagement  to  the  abilities  of  other  students  of  our  college, 
for  I  have  no  doubt  that  every  commencement  ushers  into  society 
luminaries  full  as  brilliant  as  Jeremy  Cockloft  the  younger. 

Having  made  a  very  pretty  speech  on  graduating,  to  a  numerous 
assemblage  of  old  folks  and  young  ladies,  who  all  declared  that 
he  was  a  very  fine  young  man,  and  made  very  handsome  gestures, 
Jeremy  was  seized  with  a  great  desire  to  see,  or  rather  to  be  seen 
by  the  world;  and  as  his  father  was  anxious  to  give  him  every 
possible  advantage,  it  was  determined  Jeremy  should  visit  foreign 
parts.  In  consequence  of  this  resolution,  he  has  spent  a  matter 
of  three  or  four  months  in  visiting  strange  places ;  and  in  the 
course  of  his  travels  has  tarried  some  few  days  at  the  splendid 
metropolis'  of  Albany  and  Philadelphia. 

Jeremy  has  travelled  as  every  modern  man  of  sense  should  do : 
that  is,  he  judges  of  things  by  the  sample  next  at  hand ;  if  he  has 
ever  any  doubt  on  a  subject,  always  decides  against  the  city 
where  he  happens  to  sojourn  ;  and  invariably  takes  home,  as  the 
standard  by  which  to  direct  his  judgment. 

Going  into  his  room  the  other  day,  when  he  happened  to  be 
absent,  I  found  a  manuscript  volume  lying  on  his  table  ;  and  was 
overjoyed  to  find  it  contained  notes  and  hints  for  a  book  of  travels 
which  he  intends  publishing.  He  seems  to  have  taken  a  late 
fashionable  travel-monger  for  his  model,  and  I  have  no  doubt  his 
work  will  be  equally  instructive  and  amusing  with  that  of  his 


42  SALMAGUNDI. 

prototype.     The  following  are  some  extracts,  which  may  not  prove 
uninteresting  to  my  readers. 


MEMORANDUMS  FOR  A  TOUR,  TO  BE  ENTITLED  "THE 
STRANGER  IN  NEW  JERSEY;  OR  COCKNEY  TRA 
VELLING." 

BY  JEREMY  COCKLOFT,  THE  YOUNGER. 
CHAPTER  I. 

The  man  in  the  moon* — preparations  for  departure — hints  to 
travellers  about  packing  their  trunksf — straps,  buckles,  and  bed- 
cords — case  of  pistols,  a  la  cockney — five  trunks — three  bandboxes 
— a  cocked  hat — and  a  medicine-chest,  a  la  Prancaise — parting 
advice  of  my  two  sisters— quere,  why  old  maids  are  so  particular 
in  their  cautions  against  naughty  women — description  of  Powles- 
Hook  ferry-boats — might  be  converted  into  gun-boats,  and  defend 
our  port  equally  well  with  Albany  sloops — BROM,  the  black  ferry 
man — Charon — river  Styx — ghosts ; — major  Hunt — good  story — 
ferryage  nine-pence; — city  of  Harsimus — built  on  the  spot 
where  the  folk  once  danced  on  their  stumps,  while  the  devil 
fiddled; — quere,  why  do  the  Harsimites  talk  Dutch? — story  of 
the  tower  of  Babel,  and  confusion  of  tongues — get  into  the  stage 
— driver  a  wag — famous  fellow  for  running  stage  races — killed 
three  passengers  and  crippled  nine  in  the  course  of  his  practice — 
philosophical  reasons  why  stage  drivers  love  grog — causeway — 
ditch  on  each  side  for  folk  to  tumble  into — famous  place  for 
skilly -pots  j  Philadelphians  call  'em  tarapins — roast  them  under 
the  ashes  as  we  do  potatoes — quere,  may  not  this  be  the  reason 
that  the  Philadelphians  are  all  turtle  heads  ? — Hackensack  bridge 
— good  painting  of  a  blue  horse  jumping  over  a  mountain — won 
der  who  it  was  painted  by ; — mem.  to  ask  the  Baron  de  Gusto 
about  it  on  my  return ; — Rattle-snake  hill,  so  called  from  abound 
ing  with  butterflies ; — salt  marsh,  surmounted  here  and  there  by  a 
solitary  hay-stack; — more  tarapins — wonder  why  the  Philadel 
phians  don't  establish  a  fishery  here,  and  get  a  patent  for  it : — 
bridge  over  the  Passaic — rate  of  toll — description  of  toll  boards — 
toll-man  had  but  one  eye — story  how  it  is  possible  he  may  have 
lost  the  other— pence-table,  &c.* 


*  vide  Carr's  Stranger  in  Ireland.       t  vide  Weld.  *  vide  Carr. 


SALMAGUNDI.  43 


CHAP.   II. 

Newark — noted  for  its  fine  breed  of  fat  musquitoes — sting 
through  the  thickest  boot* — story  about  Gallynipers — Archer 
Gifford  and  his  man  Caliban — jolly  fat  fellows ; — a  knowing  tra 
veller  always  judges  of  everything  by  the  inn-keepers  and  wait 
ers  ;f  set  down  Newark  people  all  fat  as  butter — learned  dis 
sertation  on  Archer  Gifford's  green  coat,  with  philosophical  reasons 
why  the  Newarkites  wear  red  worsted  night-caps,  and  turn  their 
noses  to  the  south  when  the  wind  blows — Newark  academy  full 
of  windows — sunshine  excellent  to  make  little  boys  grow — 
Elizabethtown — fine  girls — vile  musquitoes — plenty  of  oysters — 
quere,  have  oysters  any  feeling  ? — good  story  about  the  fox  catch 
ing  them  by  his  tail — ergo,  foxes  might  be  of  great  use  in  the 
pearl  fishery ; — landlord  member  of  the  legislature — treats  every 
body  who  has  a  vote — mem.  all  the  inn-keepers  members  of  legis 
lature  in  New  Jersey ;  Bridge-town  vulgarly  called  Spank-town, 
from  a  story  of  quondam  parson  and  his  wife — real  name,  accord 
ing  to  Linkum  Fidelius,  Bridge-town,  from  bridge,  a  contrivance 
to  get  dry  shod  over  a  river  or  brook ;  and  town,  an  appellation 
given  in  America  to  the  accidental  assemblage  of  a  church,  a 
tavern,  and  a  blacksmith's  shop — Linkum  as  right  as  my  left  leg; 
— Rah  way-river — good  place  for  gun-boats — wonder  why  Mr. 
Jefferson  don't  send  a  river  fleet  there,  to  protect  the  hay-vessels? 
— Woodbridge — landlady  mending  her  husband's  breeches — sub 
lime  apostrophe  to  conjugal  affection  and  the  fair  sex;^: — Wood- 
bridge  famous  for  its  crab-fishery — sentimental  correspondence 
between  a  crab  and  a  lobster — digression  to  Abelarde  and  Eloisa ; 
— mem.  when  the  moon  is  in  Pisces,  she  plays  the  devil  with  the 
crabs. 

CHAP.    III. 

Brunswick — oldest  town  in  the  state — division  line  between 
two  counties  in  the  middle  of  the  street ; — posed  a  lawyer  with 
the  case  of  a  man  standing  with  one  foot  in  each  county — wanted 
to  know  in  which  he  was  domicil — lawyer  couldn't  tell  for  the 
soul  of  him; — mem.  all  the  New  Jersey  lawyers  nums; — Miss 
Hay's  boarding-school — young  ladies  not  allowed  to  eat  mustard 
— and  why  ? — fat  story  of  a  mustard-pot,  with  a  good  saying  of 
Ding-Dong's ; — Vernon's  tavern — fine  place  to  sleep,  if  the  noise 
would  let  you — another  Caliban  I — Vernon  slew-eyed — people  of 


*  vide  Weld. 

t  vide  Carr.     vide  Moore,     vide  "Weld,     vide  Parkinson,     vide  Priest. 
vide  Linkum  Fidelius,  and  vide  Messrs.  Tag,  Eag,  and  Bobtail. 
J  vide  the  Sentimental  Kotzebue. 


44  SALMAGUNDI. 

Brunswick,  of  course,  all  squint : — Drake's  tavern — fine  old  blade 
— wears  square  buckles  in  his  shoes — tells  bloody  long  stories 
about  last  war — people,  of  course,  all  do  the  same;  Hook'em 
Snivy,  the  famous  fortune-teller,  born  here — cotemporary  with 
mother  Shoulders — particulars  of  his  history — died  one  day — 
lines  to  his  memory,  which  found  their  way  into  my  pocketbook  /* — 
melancholy  reflections  on  the  death  of  great  men — beautiful  epi 
taph  on  myself. 


CHAP.    IV. 

Princeton — college — professors  wear  boots! — students  famous 
for  their  love  of  a  jest— set  the  college  on  fire,  and  burnt  out  the 
professors;  an  excellent  joke,  but  not  worth  repeating — mem. 
American  students  very  much  addicted  to  burning  down  colleges 
— reminds  me  of  a  good  story,  nothing  at  all  to  the  purpose — two 
societies  in  the  college — good  notion — encourages  emulation,  and 
makes  little  boys  fight; — students  famous  for  their  eating  and 
erudition — saw  two  at  the  tavern,  who  had  just  got  their  allow 
ance  of  spending  money — laid  it  all  out  in  a  supper — got  fuddled, 
and  d — d  the  professors  for  nincoms.  N.B.  Southern  gentlemen. 
— Churchyard — apostrophe  to  grim  death — saw  a  cow  feeding  on 
a  grave — metempsychosis — who  knows  but  the  cow  may  have 
been  eating  up  the  soul  of  one  of  my  ancestors — made  me  melan 
choly  and  pensive  for  fifteen  minutes ; — man  planting  cabbages* 
— wondered  how  he  could  plant  them  so  straight — method  of 
mole-catching — and  all  that — query,  whether  it  would  not  be  a 
good  notion  to  ring  their  noses  as  we  do  pigs — mem.  to  propose 
it  to  the  American  Agricultural  Society — get  a  premium  perhaps ; 
commencement — students  give  a  ball  and  supper — company  from 
New  York,  Philadelphia,  and  Albany — great  contest  which  spoke 
the  best  English — Albanians  vociferous  in  their  demand  for  stur 
geon — Philadelphians  gave  the  preference  to  racoon}:  and  splac- 
nuncs — gave  them  a  long  dissertation  on  the  phlegmatic  nature  of 
a  goose's  gizzard — students  can't  dance — always  set  off  with  the 
wrong  foot  foremost — Duport's  opinion  on  that  subject — Sir  Chris 
topher  Hatton  the  first  man  who  ever  turned  out  his  toes  in  danc 
ing — great  favorite  with  Queen  Bess  on  that  account — Sir  Walter 
Italeigh — good  story  about  his  smoking — his  descent  into  New 
Spain — El  Dorado — Candid — Dr.  Pangloss — Miss  Cunegunde — 
earthquake  at  Lisbon — Baron  of  Thundertentronck — Jesuits — 
Monks — Cardinal  Woolsey — Pope  Joan — Tom  Jefferson — Tom 

Paine,  and  Tom  the  whewl     N.B.  Students  got  drunk  as 

usual. 


*  vide  Carr  and  Blind  Bet !  t  vide  Carr.  %  vide  Priest. 


SALMAGUXDI.  45 


CHAP.    V. 

Left  Princeton — country  finely  diversified  with  sheep  and  hay- 
etacks* — saw  a  man  riding  alone  in  a  wagon !  why  the  deuce 
didn't  the  blockhead  ride  in  a  chair  ?  fellow  must  be  a  fool — par 
ticular  account  of  the  construction  of  wagons,  carts,  wheelbarrows, 
and  quail-traps — saw  a  large  flock  of  crows — concluded  there 
must  be  a  dead  horse  in  the  neighborhood — mem.  country 
remarkable  for  crows — won't  let  the  horses  die  in  peace— anec 
dote  of  a  jury  of  crows — stopped  to  give  the  horses  water — good 
looking  man  came  up,  and  asked  me  if  I  had  seen  his  wife  ?  hea 
vens  !  thought  I,  how  strange  it  is  that  this  virtuous  man  should 
ask  me  about  his  wife — story  of  Cain  and  Abel — stagedriver  took 
a  swig — mem.  set  down  all  the  people  as  drunkards — old  house  had 
moss  on  the  top — swallows  built  in  the  roof— better  place  than 
old  men's  beards — story  about  that — derivation  of  words  kippy, 
kippy,  kippy,  and  shoo-pig\ — negro  driver  could  not  write  his  own 
name — languishing  state  of  literature  in  this  country  ;| — philo 
sophical  inquiry  of  'Sbidlikens,  why  the  Americans  are  so  much 
interior  to  the  nobility  of  Cheapside  and  Shore-ditch,  and  why 
they  do  not  eat  plum-pudding  on  Sundays ; — superfine  reflections 
about  any  thing. 


CHAP.    VI. 

Trenton — built  above  the  head  of  navigation  to  encourage 
commerce — capital  of  the  state  § — only  wants  a  castle,  a  bay,  a 
mountain,  a  sea,  and  a  volcano,  to  bear  a  strong  resemblance  to 
the  Bay  of  Naples — supreme  court  sitting — fat  chief  justice — used 
to  get  asleep  on  the  bench  after  dinner — gave  judgment,  I  sup 
pose,  like  Pilate's  wife,  from  his  dreams — reminded  me  of  justice 
Bridlegoose  deciding  by  a  throw  of  a  die,  and  of  the  oracle  of  the 
holy  bottle — attempted  to  kiss  the  chambermaid — boxed  my  ears 
till  they  rung  like  our  theatre-bell — girl  had  lost  one  tooth — mem. 
all  the  American  ladies  prudes,  and  have  bad  teeth ; — Anacreon 
Moore's  opinion  on  the  matter. — Statehouse — fine  place  to  see  the 
sturgeons  jump  up — quere,  whether  sturgeons  jump  up  by  an 
impulse  of  the  tail,  or  whether  they  bounce  up  from  the  bottom 
by  the  elasticity  of  their  noses — Linkum  Fidelius  of  the  latter 
opinion — I  too — sturgeons'  nose  capital  for  tennis-balls — learnt 
that  at  school — went  to  a  ball — negro  wench  principal  musician ! — 
N.  B.  People  of  America  have  no  fiddlers  but  females ! — origin  of 
the  phrase,  "fiddle  of  your  heart" — reasons  why  men  fiddle  better 


*  vide  Carr.    t  vide  Carr's  learned  derivation  of  gee  and  iclioe.    $  Moore. 
§Carr. 


46  SALMAGUNDI. 

than  women ; — expedient  of  the  Amazons  who  were  expert  at  the 
bow; — waiter  at  the  city-tavern — good  story  of  his — nothing  to 
the  purpose— never  mind — till  up  my  book  like  Carr — make  it 
sell.  Saw  a  democrat  get  into  the  stage  followed  by  his  dog.* 
N.  B.  This  town  remarkable  for  dogs  and  democrats — superfine 
sentimentf — good  story  from  Joe  Miller — ode  to  a  piggin  of  butter 
— pensive  meditations  on  a  mouse-hole — make  a  book  as  clear  as 
a  whistle ! 


*  Moore.  t  Carr. 


SALMAGUNDI.  47 


NO.  V.— SATURDAY,  MARCH  7,  180Y. 

FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

THE  following  letter  of  my  friend  Mustapha  appears  to  have 
been  written  some  time  subsequent  to  the  one  already  published. 
Were  I  to  judge  from  its  contents,  I  should  suppose  it  was  sug 
gested  by  the  splendid  review  of  the  twenty -fifth  of  last  Novem 
ber,  when  a  pair  of  colors  was  presented  at  the  City-Hall,  to  the 
regiments  of  artillery ;  and  when  a  huge  dinner  was  devoured  by 
our  corporation,  in  the  honorable  remembrance  of  the  evacuation 
of  this  city.  I  am  happy  to  find  that  the  laudable  spirit  of  mili 
tary  emulation  which  prevails  in  our  city  has  attracted  the  atten 
tion  of  a  stranger  of  Mustapha's  sagacity ;  by  military  emulation 
I  mean  that  spirited  rivalry  in  the  size  of  a  hat,  the  length  of  a 
feather,  and  the  gingerbread  finery  of  a  sword-belt. 


LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELT  KHAN, 
TO  ABDALLAH  EB'N  AT  RABAH,  SURNAMED  THE 
SNORER,  MILITARY  CENTINEL  AT  THE  GATE  OF 
HIS  HIGHNESS'S  PALACE. 

THOU  hast  heard,  oh  Abdallah,  of  the  great  magician,  MULEY 
Fuz,  who  could  change  a  blooming  land  blessed  with  all  the 
elysian  charms  of  hill  and  dale,  of  glade  and  grove,  of  fruit  and 
flower,  into  a  desert,  frightful,  solitary,  and  forlorn;  who  with 
the  wave  of  his  wand  could  transform  even  the  disciples  of  Ma 
homet  into  grinning  apes  and  chattering  monkeys.  Surely, 
thought  I  to  myself  this  morning,  the  dreadful  Muley  has  been, 
exercising  his  infernal  enchantments  on  these  unhappy  infidels. 
Listen,  oh  Abdallah,  and  wonder  1  Last  night  I  committed  my 
self  to  tranquil  slumber,  encompassed  with  ah1  the  monotonoua 
tokens  of  peace,  and  this  morning  I  awoke  enveloped  in  the  noise, 
the  bustle,  the  clangor,  and  the  shouts  of  war.  Every  thing  waa 
changed,  as  if  by  magic.  An  immense  army  had  sprung  up,  like 
mushrooms,  in  a  night,  and  all  the  cobblers,  tailors  and  tinkers 
of  the  city  had  mounted  the  nodding  plume ;  had  become  in  tho 
twinkling  of  an  eye,  helmeted  heroes  and  war-worn  veterans. 

Alarmed  at  the  beating  of  drums,  the  braying  of  trumpets,  and 


48  SALMAGUNDI. 

the  shouting  of  the  multitude,  I  dressed  myself  in  haste,  sallied 
forth,  and  followed  a  prodigious  crowd  of  people  to  a  place  called 
the  battery.  This  is  so  denominated,  I  am  told,  from  having  once 
been  defended  with  formidable  wooden  bulwarks,  which  in  the 
course  of  a  hard  winter  were  thriftily  pulled  to  pieces  by  an 
economic  corporation,  to  be  distributed  for  fire-wood  among  the 
poor ;  this  was  done  at  the  hint  of  a  cunning  old  engineer,  who 
assured  them  it  was  the  only  way  in  which  their  fortifications 
would  ever  be  able  to  keep  up  a  warm  fire.  ECONOMY,  my 
friend,  is  the  watch- word  of  this  nation ;  I  have  been  studying 
for  a  month  past  to  divine  its  meaning,  but  truly  am  as  much  per 
plexed  as  ever.  It  is  a  kind  of  national  starvation ;  an  experi 
ment  how  many  comforts  and  necessaries  the  body  politic  can  be 
deprived  of  before  it  perishes.  It  has  already  arrived  to  a  lament 
able  degree  of  debility,  and  promises  to  share  the  fate  of  the  Ara 
bian  philosopher,  who  proved  that  he  could  live  without  food,  but 
unfortunately  died  just  as  he  had  brought  his  experiment  to  per 
fection. 

On  arriving  at  the  battery,  I  found  an  immense  army  of  six 
HUNDRED  MEN,  drawn  up  in  a  true  mussulman  crescent.  At  first 
I  supposed  this  was  in  compliment  to  myself,  but  my  interpreter 
informed  me  that  it  was  done  merely  for  want  of  room ;  the  cor 
poration  not  being  able  to  afford  them  sufficient  to  display  in  a 
straight  line.  As  I  expected  a  display  of  some  grand  evolutions 
and  military  manoeuvres,  I  determined  to  remain  a  tranquil  spec 
tator,  in  hopes  that  I  might  possibly  collect  some  hints  which 
might  be  of  service  to  his  highness. 

This  great  body  of  men  I  perceived  was  under  the  command 
of  a  small  bashaw,  in  yellow  and  gold,  with  white  nodding 
plumes,  and  most  formidable  whiskers ;  which,  contrary  to  the 
Tripolitan  fashion,  were  in  the  neighborhood  of  his  ears  instead 
of  his  nose.  He  had  two  attendants  called  aid-de-camps  (or 
tails),  being  similar  to  a  bashaw  with  two  tails.  The  bashaw, 
though  commander  in  chief,  seemed  to  have  little  more  to  do  than 
myself;  he  was  a  spectator  within  the  lines,  and  I  without ;  he 
was  clear  of  the  rabble  and  I  was  encompassed  by  them ;  this 
was  the  only  difference  between  us,  except  that  he  had  the  best 
opportunity  of  showing  his  clothes.  I  waited  an  hour  or  two 
with  exemplary  patience,  expecting  to  see  some  grand  military 
evolutions  or  a  sham  battle  exhibited ;  but  no  such  -thing  took 
place ;  the  men  stood  stock  still,  supporting  their  arms,  groaning 
under  the  fatigues  of  war,  and  now  and  then  sending  out  a 
foraging  party  to  levy  contributions  of  beer  and  a  favorite  beve 
rage  which  they  denominated  grog.  As  I  perceived  the  crowd 
very  active  in  examining  the  line,  from  one  extreme  to  the  other, 
and  as  I  could  see  no  other  purpose  for  which  these  sunshine 
warriors  should  be  exposed  so  long  to  the  merciless  attacks  of 
wind  and  weather,  I  of  course  concluded  that  this  must  be  the 
review. 


SALMAGUXDI.  49 

In  about  two  hours  the  army  was  put  in  motion,  and  marched 
through  some  narrow  streets,  where  the  economic  corporation  had 
carefully  provided  a  soft  carpet  of  mud,  to  a  magnificent  castle  of 
painted  brick,  decorated  with  grand  pillars  of  pine  boards.  By 
the  ardor  which  brightened  in  each  countenance,  I  soon  perceived 
that  this  castle  was  to  undergo  a  vigorous  attack.  As  the  ord 
nance  of  the  castle  was  perfectly  silent,  and  as  they  had  nothing 
but  a  straight  street  to  advance  through,  they  made  their  ap 
proaches  with  great  courage  and  admirable  regularity,  until 
within  about  a  hundred  feet  of  the  castle  a  pump  opposed  a  for 
midable  obstacle  in  their  way,  and  put  the  whole  army  to  a 
nonplus.  The  circumstance  was  sudden  and  unlocked  for :  the 
commanding  officer  ran  over  all  the  military  tactics  with  which  his 
head  was  crammed,  but  none  offered  any  expedient  for  the 
present  awful  emergency.  The  pump  maintained  its  post,  and  so 
did  the  commander ;  there  was  no  knowing  which  was  most  at 
a  stand.  The  commanding  officer  ordered  his  men  to  wheel  and 
take  it  in  flank ; — the  army  accordingly  wheeled  and  came  full 
butt  against  it  in  the  rear,  exactly  as  they  were  before : — "  wheel 
to  the  left  1"  cried  the  officer;  they  did  so,  and  again  as  before  tho 
inveterate  pump  intercepted  then-  progress.  "  Right  about 
face!"  cried  the  officer;  the  men  obeyed,  but  bungled; — they 
faced  back  to  back.  Upon  this  the  bashaw  with  two  tails,  with 
great  coolness,  undauntedly  ordered  his  men  to  push  right  for 
ward,  pell-mell,  pump  or  no  pump ;  they  gallantly  obeyed  ;  after 
unheard-of  acts  of  bravery  the  pump  was  carried,  without  the  loss 
of  a  man,  and  the  army  firmly  entrenched  itself  under  the  very 
walls  of  the  castle.  The  bashaw  had  then  a  council  of  war  with 
his  officers ;  the  most  vigorous  measures  were  resolved  on.  An 
advance  guard  of  musicians  were  ordered  to  attack  the  castle 
without  mercy.  Then  the  whole  band  opened  a  most  tremendous 
battery  of  drums,  fifes,  tambourines,  and  trumpets,  and  kept  up  a 
thundering  assault,  as  if  the  castle,  like  the  walls  of  Jericho,  spo 
ken  of  in  the  Jewish  chronicles,  would  tumble  down  at  the  blow 
ing  of  rams'  horns.  After  some  time  a  parley  ensued.  The 
grand  bashaw  of  the  city  appeared  on  the  battlements  of  the  cas 
tle,  and  as  far  as  I  could  understand  from  circumstances  dared  tho 
little  bashaw  of  two  tails  to  single  combat : — this  thou  knowest 
was  in  the  style  of  ancient  chivalry: — the  little  bashaw  dis 
mounted  with  great  intrepidity,  and  ascended  the  battlements  of 
the  castle,  where  the  great  bashaw  waited  to  receive  him, 
attended  by  numerous  dignitaries  and  worthies  of  his  court,  one 
of  whom  bore  the  splendid  banners  of  the  castle.  Tha-battle  was 
carried  nn  entirely •  bv  words,_ according  to  the  un i versa.!  .custom 
of  this  country,  of  which  I  snail  ^peak  to  thee  more  fully  hereaT- 
i .  T.  The  grand  bashaw  made  a  furious  attack  in  a  speech  of  con 
siderable  length;  the  little  bashaw,  by  no  means  appalled, 
retorted  with  great  spirit.  The  grand  bashaw  attempted  tb  rip 
him  up  with  an  argument,  or  stun  him  with  a  solid  fact ;  but  the 


50  SALMAGUNDI. 

little  bashaw  parried  them  both  with  admirable  adroitness,  and 
run. him  clean  through  and  through  with  a  syllogism.  The  grand 
bashaw  was  overthrown,  the  banners  of  the  castle  yielded  up  to 
the  little  bashaw,  and  the  castle  surrendered  after  a  vigorous  de 
fence  of  three  hours, — during  which  the  besiegers  suffered  great 
extremity  from  muddy  streets  and  a  drizzling  atmosphere. 

On  returning  to  dinner  I  soon  discovered  that  as  usual  I  had 
been  indulging  in  a  great  mistake.  The  matter  was  all  clearly 
explained  to  me  by  a  fellow  lodger,  who  on  ordinary  occasions 
moves  in  the  humble  character  of  a  tailor,  but  in  the  present  in 
stance  figured  in  a  high  military  station,  denominated  corporal. 
He  informed  me  that  what  I  had  mistaken  for  a  castle  was  the 
splendid  palace  of  the  municipality,  and  that  the  supposed  attack 
was  nothing  more  than  the  delivery  of  a  flag  given  by  the  autho 
rities,  to  the  army,  for  its  magnanimous  defence  of  the  town  for 
upwards  of  twenty  years  past,  that  is,  ever  since  the  last  war ! 
Oh  my  friend,  surely  everything  in  this  country  is  on  a  great 

scale ! the  conversation  insensibly  turned  upon  the  military 

establishment  of  the  nation ;  and  I  do  assure  thee  that  my  friend, 
the  tailor,  though  being,  according  to  a  national  proverb,  but  the 
ninth  part  of  a  man,  yet  acquitted  himself  on  military  concerns  as 
ably  as  the  grand  bashaw  of  the  empire  himself.  He  observed 
that  their  rulers  had  decided  that  wars  were  very  useless  and  ex 
pensive,  and  ill  befitting  an  economic,  philosophic  nation ;  they 
had  therefore  made  up  their  minds  never  to  have  any  wars,  and 
consequently  there  was  no  need  of  soldiers  or  military  discipline. 
As,  however,  it  was  thought  highly  ornamental  to  a  city  to  have 
a  number  of  men  drest  in  fine  clothes  and  feathers,  strutting  about 
the  streets  on  a  holiday- — and  as  the  women  and  children  were 
particularly  fond  of  such  raree  shows,  it  was  ordered  that  the  tai 
lors  of  the  different  cities  throughout  the  empire  should,  forthwith, 
go  to  work,  and  cut  out  and  manufacture  soldiers  as  fast  as  their 
shears  and  needles  would  permit. 

These  soldiers  have  no  pecuniary  pay ;  and  their  only  recom 
pense  for  the  immense  services  which  they  render  their  country, 
in  their  voluntary  parades,  is  the  plunder  of  smiles,  and  winks, 
and  nods  which  they  extort  from  the  ladies.  As  they  have  no 
opportunity,  like  the  vagrant  Arabs,  of  making  inroads  on  their 
neighbors :  and  as  it  is  necessary  to  keep  up  their  military  spirit, 
the  town  is  therefore  now  and  then,  but  particularly  on  two  days 
of  the  year,  given  up  to  their  ravages.  The  arrangements  are 
contrived  with  admirable  address,  so  that  every  officer,  from  the 
bashaw  down  to  the  drum-major,  the  chief  of  the  eunuchs,  or  mu 
sicians,  shall  have  his  share  of  that  invaluable  booty,  the  admira 
tion  of  the  fair.  As  to  the  soldiers,  poor  animals,  they,  like  the 
privates  in  all  great  armies,  have  to  bear  the  brunt  of  danger  and 
fatigue,  while  their  officers  receive  all  the  glory  and  reward.  The 
narrative  of  a  parade  day  will  exemplify  this  more  clearly. 
The  chief  bashaw,  in  the  plenitude  of  his  authority,  orders  a 


SALMAGUNDI.  51 

grand  review  of  the  whole  army  at  two  o'clock.  The  bashaw 
with  two  tails,  that  he  may  have  an  opportunity  of  vaporing 
about  as  greatest  man  on  the  field,  orders  the  army  to  assemble 
at  twelve.  The  kiay,  or  colonel,  as  he  is  called,  that  is  com 
mander  of  one  hundred  and  twenty  men,  orders  his  regiment  or 
tribe  to  collect  one  mile  at  least  from  the  place  of  parade  at  eleven. 
Each  captain,  or  fag-rag,  as  we  term  them,  commands  his  squad 
to  meet  at  ten  at  least  a  half  mile  from  the  regimental  parade  ; 
and  to  close  all,  the  chief  of  the  eunuchs  orders  his  infernal  con 
cert  of  fifes,  trumpets,  cymbals,  and  kettle-drums  to  assemble  at 
ten  !  from  that  moment  the  city  receives  no  quarter.  All  is  noise, 
hooting,  hubbub,  and  combustion.  Every  window,  door,  crack,  and 
loophole,  from  the  garret  to  the  cellar,  is  crowded  with  the  fasci 
nating  fair  of  all  ages  and  of  all  complexions.  The  mistress  smiles 
through  the  windows  of  the  drawing-room  ;  the  chubby  chamber 
maid  lolls  out  of  the  attick  casement,  and  a  host  of  sooty  wenches 
roll  their  white  eyes  and  grin  and  chatter  from  the  cellar  door. 
Every  nymph  seems  anxious  to  yield  voluntarily  that  tribute 
which  the  heroes  of  their  country  demand.  First  struts  the  chief 
eunuch,  or  drum-major,  at  the  head  of  his  sable  band,  magnifi 
cently  arrayed  in  tarnished  scarlet.  Alexander  himself  could  not 
have  spurned  the  earth  more  superbly.  A  host  of  ragged  boys 
shout  in  his  train,  and  inflate  the  bosom  of  the  warrior  with  ten 
fold  self-complacency.  After  he  has  rattled  his  kettle-drums 
through  the  town,  and  swelled  and  swaggered  like  a  turkey-cock 
before  all  the  dingy  Floras,  and  Dianas,  and  Junoes,  and  Didoes 
of  his  acquaintance,  he  repairs  to  his  place  of  destination  loaded 
with  a  rich  booty  of  smiles  and  approbation.  Next  comes  the 


FAG-R.U;.  or^cajjUiiiu  at  the  head  of  his  mighty  band,  consisting 
of  one  lieutenant,  one  ensign,  or  mute,  four  sergeants,  four  corpo 
rals,  one  drummer,  one  lifer,  and  if  he  has  any  privates  so  much 
the  better  for  himself  In  marching  to  the  regimental  parade,  he 
is  sure  to  paddle  through  the  street  or  lane  which  is  honored  with 
the  residence  of  his  mistress  or  intended,  whom  he  resolutely  lays 
under  a  heavy  contribution.  Truly  it  is  delectable  to  behold  these 
heroes,  as  they  march,  cast  side  glances  at  the  upper  windows  ; 
to  collect  the  smiles,  the  nods,  and  the  winks,  which  the  enrap 
tured  fair  ones  lavish  profusely  on  the  magnanimous  defenders  of 
their  country. 

The  Fag-rags  having  conducted  their  squads  to  their  respective 
regiments,  then  comes  the  turn  of  the  colonel,  a  bashaw  with  no 
tails,  for  all  eyes  are  now  directed  to  him  ;  and  the  fag-rags,  and 
the  eunuchs,  and  the  kettle-drummers,  having  had  their  hour  of 
notoriety,  are  confounded  and  lost  in  the  military  crowd.  The 
colonel  sets  his  whole  regiment  in  motion  ;  and  mounted  on  a 
mettlesome  charger,  frisks  and  fidgets,  and  capers,  and  plunges  in 
front,  to  the  great  entertainment  of  the  multitude,  and  the  great 
hazard  of  himself  and  his  neighbors.  Having  displayed  himself, 
his  trappings,  his  horse,  and  his  horsemanship,  he  at  length  arrives 


52  SALMAGUNDI. 

at  the  place  of  general  rendezvous ;  blessed  with  the  universal  admi 
ration  of  his  country  women.  I  should  perhaps  mention  a  squad 
ron  of  hardy  veterans,  most  of  whom  have  seen  a  deal  of  service 
during  the  nineteen  or  twenty  years  of  then'  experience,  and  who, 
most  gorgeously  equipped  in  tight  green  jackets  and  breeches,  trot 
and  amble,  and  gallop  and  scamper  like  little  devils  through  every 
street  and  nook  and  corner  and  poke-hole  of  the  city,  to  the  great 
dread  of  all  old  people  and  sage  matrons  with  young  children. 
This  is  truly  sublime !  this  is  what  I  call  making  a  mountain  out 
of  a  mole-hill.  Oh,  my  friend,  on  what  a  great  scale  is  every 
thing  in  this  country.  It  is  in  the  style  of  the  wandering  Arabs 
of  the  desert  El-tih.  Is  a  village  to  be  attacked,  or  a  hamlet  to  be 
plundered,  the  whole  desert,  for  weeks  beforehand,  is  in  a  buzz : 
such  marching  and  counter-marching,  ere  they  can  concentrate 
their  ragged  forces !  and  the  consequence  is,  that  before  they  can 
bring  their  troops  into  action,  the  whole  enterprise  is  blown. 

The  army  being  all  happily  collected  on  the  battery,  though, 
perhaps,  two  hours  after  the  time  appointed,  it  is  now  the  turn  of 
the  bashaw,  with  two  tails,  to  distinguish  himself.  Ambition,  my 
friend,  is  implanted  alike  in  every  heart,  it  pervades  each  bosom, 
from  the  bashaw  to  the  drum-major.  This  is  a  sage  truism,  and 
I  trust,  therefore,  it  will  not  be  disputed.  The  bashaw,  fired  with 
that  thirst  for  glory,  inseparable  from  the  noble  mind,  is  anxious 
to  reap  a  full  share  of  the  laurels  of  the  day  and  bear  off  his 
portion  of  female  plunder.  The  drums  beat,  the  fifes  whistle, 
the  standards  wave  proudly  hi  the  air.  The  signal  is  given ! 
thunder  roars  the  cannon  1  away  goes  the  bashaw,  and  away  go 
the  tails !  The  review  finished,  evolutions  and  military  ma 
noeuvres  are  generally  dispensed  with  for  three  excellent  reasons ; 
first,  because  the  army  knows  very  little  about  them;  second, 
because,  as  the  country  has  determined  to  remain  always  at  peace, 
there  is  no  necessity  for  them  to  know  anything  about  them ; 
and  third,  as  it  is  growing  late,  the  bashaw  must  despatch,  or 
it  will  be  too  dark  for  him  to  get  his  quota  of  the  plunder.  He  of 
course  orders  the  whole  army  to  march  ;  and  now,  my  friend,  now 
comes  the  tug  of  war,  now  is  the  city  completely  sacked.  Open 
fly  the  battery-gates,  forth  sallies  the  bashaw  with  his  two  tails, 
surrounded  by  a  shouting  body-guard  of  boys  and  negroes !  then 
pour  forth  his  legions,  potent  as  the  pismires  of  the  desert !  the 
custpmary  salutations  of  the  country  commence — those  tokens  of 
joy  and  admiration  which  so  much  annoyed  me  on  first  landing : 
the  air  is  darkened  with  old  hats,  shoes,  and  dead  cats ;  they  fly 
in  showers  like  the  arrows  of  the  Parthians.  The  soldiers,  no 
ways  disheartened,  like  the  intrepid  followers  of  Leonidas,  march 
gallantly  under  their  shade.  On  they  push,  splash  dash,  mud  or 
no  mud.  Down  one  lane,  up  another; — the  martial  music  re 
sounds  through  every  street ;  the  fair  ones  throng  to  their  windows, 
— the  soldiers  look  every  way  but  straight  forward.  "Carry 
arms!"  cries  the  bashaw — "tan-ta  ra-ra,"  brays  the  trumpet — 


SALMAGUNDI.  53 

"rub-a-dub,"  roars  the  drum — "hurraw,"  shout  the  ragamuffins. 
The  bashaw  smiles  with  exultation — every  fag-rag  feels  himself 
a  hero — "none  but  the  brave  deserves  the  fair!"  head  of  the 
immortal  Amrou,  on  what  a  great  scale  is  every  thing  in  this 
country. 

Ay,  but  you'll  say,  is  not  this  unfair  that  the  officers  should 
share  all  the  sports  while  the  privates  undergo  all  the  fatigue  ? 
truly,  my  friend,  I  indulged  the  same  idea,  and  pitied  from  my 
heart  the  poor  fellows  who  had  to  drabble  through  the  mud  and 
the  mire,  toiling  under  ponderous  cocked  hats,  which  seemed  as 
unwieldy,  and  cumbrous,  as  the  shell  which  the  snail  lumbers 
along  on  his  back.  I  soon  found  out,  however,  that  they  have 
their  quantum  of  notoriety.  As  soon  as  the  army  is  dismissed,  the 
city  swarms  with  little  scouting  parties,  who  fire  off  their  guns  at 
every  corner,  to  the  great  delight  of  all  the  women  and  children  in 
their  vicinity ;  and  wo  unto  any  dog,  or  pig,  or  hog,  that  falls  in 
the  way  of  these  magnanimous  warriors ;  they  are  shown  no  quar 
ter.  Every  gentle  swain  repairs  to  pass  the  evening  at  the  feet  of 
his  dulcinea,  to  play,  "the  soldier  tired  of  war's  alarms,"  and  to 
captivate  her  with  the  glare  of  his  regimentals ;  excepting  some 
ambitious  heroes  who  strut  to  the  theatre,  flame  away  in  the  front 
boxes,  and  hector  every  old  apple-woman  in  the  lobbies. 

Such,  my  friend,  is  the  gigantic^gonms  of  this  -nation,  and  its 
faculty  for  swelling  up  nothings  into  importance.  Our  bashaw  of 
Tripoli  will  review  his  troops  of  some  thousands,  by  an  early  hour 
in  the  morning.  Here  a  review  of  six  hundred  men  is  made  the 
mighty  work  of  a  day!  with  us  a  bashaw  of  two  tails  is  never 
appointed  to  a  command  of  less  than  ten  thousand  men ;  but  here 
we  behold  every  grade,  from  the  bashaw  down  to  the  drum-major, 
in  a  force  of  less  than  one-tenth  of  the  number.  By  the  beard  of 
Mahomet  but  everything  here  is  indeed  on  a  great  scale ! 


BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

I  was  not  a  little  surprised  the  other  morning  at  a  request 
from  Will  "Wizard  that  I  would  accompany  him  that  evening  to 

Mrs 's  ball.     The  request  was  simple  enough  in  itself,  it  was 

only  singular  as  coming  from  Will; — of  all  my  acquaintance 
"Wizard  is  the  least  calculated  and  disposed  for  the  society  of 
ladies — not  that  he  dislikes  their  company,  on  the  contrary, 
like  every  man  of  pith  and  marrow,  he  is  a  professed  admirer 
of  the  sex;  and  had  he  been  born  a  poet,  would  undoubtedly 
have  bespattered  and  be-rhymed  some  hard  named  goddess, 
until  she  became  as  famous  as  Petrarch's  Laura,  or  Waller's 


54  SALMAGUNDI. 

Sacharissa;  but  "Will  is  such  a  confounded  bungler  at  a  bow, 
has  so  many  odd  bachelor  habits,  and  finds  it  so  troublesome 
to  be  gallant,  that  he  generally  prefers  smoking  his  segar 
and  telling  his  story  among  cronies  of  his  own  gender ; — and 
thundering  long  stories  they  are,  let  me  tell  you ; — set  "Will  once 
a  going  about  China  or  Grim  Tartary,  or  the  Hottentots,  and 
heaven  help  the  poor  victim  who  has  to  endure  his  prolixity  ;  he 
might  better  be  tied  to  the  tail  of  a  jack  o'lantern.  In  one 
word — Will  talks  like  a  traveller,  Being  well  acquainted  with 
his  character,  I  was  the  more  alarmed  at  his  inclination  to  visit  a 
part)^;  since  he  as  often  assured  me,  that  he  considered  it  as 
equivalent  to  being  stuck  up  for  three  hours  in  a  steam  engine.  I 
even  wondered  how  he  had  received  an  invitation ; — this  he  soon 
accounted  for.  It  seems  Will,  on  his  last  arrival  from  Canton, 
had  made  a  present  of  a  case  of  tea,  to  a  lady  for  whom  he  had 
once  entertained  a  sneaking  kindness  when  at  grammar  school ; 
and  she  in  return  had  invited  him  to  come  and  drink  some  of 
it;  a  cheap  way  enough  of  paying  off  little  obligations.  I 
readily  acceded  to  Will's  proposition,  expecting  much  enter 
tainment  from  his  eccentric  remarks ;  and  as  he  has  been  absent 
some  few  years,  I  anticipated  his  surprise  at  the  splendor  and 
elegance  of  a  modern  rout. 

On  calling  for  Will  in  the  evening,  I  found  him  full  dressed, 
waiting  for  me.  I  contemplated  him  with  absolute  dismay.  As  he 
still  retained  a  spark  of  regard  for  the  lady  who  once  reigned  in  his 
affections,  he  had  been  at  unusual  pains  in  decorating  his  person, 
and  broke  upon  my  sight  arrayed  in  the  true  style  that  prevailed 
among  our  beaux  some  years  ago.  His  hair  was  turned  up  and 
tufted  at  the  top,  frizzled  out  at  the  ears,  a  profusion  of  powder 
puffed  over  the  whole,  and  a  long  plaited  club  swung  gracefully 
from  shoulder  to  shoulder,  describing  a  pleasing  semicircle  of 
powder  and  pomatum.  His  claret-colored  coat  was  decorated 
with  a  profusion  of  gilt  buttons,  and  reached  to  his  calves.  His 
white  casimere  small-clothes  were  so  tight  that  he  seemed  to  have 
grown  up  in  them ;  and  his  ponderous  legs,  which  are  the  thickest 
part  of  his  body,  were  beautifully  clothed  in  sky-blue  silk  stock 
ings,  once  considered  so  becoming.  But  above  all,  he  prided  him 
self  upon  his  waistcoat  of  China  silk,  which  might  almost  have 
served  a  good  housewife  for  a  short-gown;  and  he  boasted  that 
the  roses  and  tulips  upon  it  were  the  work  of  Nang  Fou,  daughter 
of  the  great  Chin-  Chin-Fou,  who  had  fallen  in  love  with  the  graces 
of  his  person,  and  sent  it  to  him  as  a  parting  present ;  he  assured 
me  she  was  a  remarkable  beauty,  with  sweet  obliquity  of  eyes, 
and  a  foot  no  larger  than  the  thumb  of  an  alderman ; — he  then 
dilated  most  copiously  on  his  silver-sprigged  dicky,  which  he 
assured  me  was  quite  the  rage  among  the  dashing  young  man 
darins  of  Canton. 

I  hold  it  an  ill-natured  office  to  put  any  man  out  of  conceit  with 
himself;  so,  though  I  would  willingly  have  made  a  little  alteration 


SALMAGUNDI.  55 

in  my  friend  Wizard's  picturesque  costume,  yet  I  politely  com 
plimented  him  on  his  rakish  appearance. 

On  entering  the  room  I  kept  a  good  look-out  on  "Will,  expecting 
to  see  him  exhibit  signs  of  surprise;  but  he  is  one  of  those  know 
ing  fellows  who  are  never  surprised  at  any  thing,  or  at  least  will 
never  acknowledge  it.  He  took  his  stand  in  the  middle  of  the 
floor,  playing  with  his  great  steel  watch-chain ;  and  looking  round 
on  the  company,  the  furniture,  and  the  pictures,  with  the  air  of  a 

man  "  who  had  seen  d d  finer  things  in  his  time ;"  and  to  my 

utter  confusion  and  dismay,  I  saw  him  coolly  pull  out  his  villa- 
nous  old  japanned  tobacco-box,  ornamented  with  a  bottle,  a  pipe, 
and  a  scurvy  motto,  and  help  himself  to  a  quid  in  face  of  all  the 
company. 

I  knew  it  was  all  in  vain  to  find  fault  with  a  fellow  of  Will's 
socratic  turn,  who  is  never  to  be  put  out  of  humor  with  himself; 
so,  after  he  had  given  his  box  its  prescriptive  rap  and  returned  it 
to  his  pocket,  I  drew  him  into  a  corner  where  we  might  observe 
the  company  without  being  prominent  objects  ourselves. 

"And  pray  who  is  that  stylish  figure,"  said  Will,  "  who  blazes 
away  in  red,  like  a  volcano,  and  who  seems  wrapped  in  flames 
like  a  fiery  dragon?" — That,  cried  I,  is  Miss  LAURELIA  DASH- 
AAVAY  ; — she  is  the  highest  flash  of  the  ton — has  much  whim  and 
more  eccentricity,  and  has  reduced  many  an  unhappy  gentleman 
to  stupidity  by  her  charms ;  you  see  she  holds  out  the  red  flag  in 
token  of  "  no  quarter."  "  Then  keep  me  safe  out  of  the  sphere  of 
her  attractions,"  cried  Will,  "I  would  not  e'en  come  in  contact 
with  her  train,  lest  it  should  scorch  rne  like  the  tail  of  a  comet. — 
Bnt  who,  I  beg  of  you,  is  that  amiable  youth  who  is  handing 
a  young  lady,  and  at  the  same  time  contemplating  his  sweet 
person  in  a  mirror  as  he  passes?"  His  name,  said  I,  is  BILLY 
DIMPLE  ; — he  is  a  universal  smiler,  and  would  travel  from  Dan  to 
Beersheba  and  smile  on  everybody  as  he  passed.  Dimple  is  a 
slave  to  the  ladies — a  hero  at  tea-parties,  and  is  famous  at  the 
pirouet  and  the  pigeon-wing  ;  a  fiddle-stick  is  his  idol,  and  a  dance 
his  elysium.  "A  very  pretty  young  gentleman  truly,"  cried 
Wizard,  "  he  reminds  me  of  a  cotemporary  beau  at  Hayti.  You 
must  know  that  the  magnanimous  Dessalines  gave  a  great  ball  to 
his  court  one  fine  sultry  summer's  evening ;  Dessy  and  me  were 
great  cronies ; — hand  and  glove ; — one  of  the  most  condescending 
great  men  I  ever  knew.  Such  a  display  of  black  and  yellow 
beauties !  such  a  show  of  Madras  handkerchiefs,  red  beads,  cocks' - 
tails  and  peacocks'  feathers ! — it  was,  as  here,  who  should  wear 
the  highest  top-knot,  drag  the  longest  tails,  or  exhibit  the  great 
est  variety  of  combs,  colors,  and  gew-gaws.  In  the  middle  of 
the  rout,  when  all  was  buzz,  slipslop,  clack,  and  perfume,  who 
should  enter  but  TUCKY  SQUASH  !  The  yellow  beauties  blushed 
blue,  and  the  black  ones  blushed  as  red  as  they  could,  with  plea 
sure;  and  there  was  a  universal  agitation  of  fans;  every  eye 
brightened  and  whitened  to  see  Tucky :  for  he  was  the  prido  of 


56  SALMAGUNDI. 

the  court,  the  pink  of  courtesy,  the  mirror  of  fashion,  the  adora 
tion  of  all  the  sable  fair  ones  of  Hayti.  Such  breadth  of  nose, 
such  exuberance  of  lip !  his  shins  had  the  true  cucumber  curve  ; — 
his  face  in  dancing  shone  like  a  kettle ;  and,  provided  you  kept 
to  windward  of  him  in  summer,  I  do  not  know  a  sweetervouth 
iu  all  Hayti  than  Tucky  Squash.  When  he  kughedfThere" 
appeared  from  ear  to  ear  a  chevaux-de-frize  of  teeth,  that  rivalled 
the  shark's  in  whiteness ;  he  could  whistle  like  a  north-wester ; 
play  on  a  three-stringed  fiddle  like  Apollo ;  and  as  to  dancing,  no 
Long-Island  negro  could  shuffle  you  "double-trouble,"  or  "hoe 
corn  and  dig  potatoes"  more  scientifically : — in  short,  he  was  a 
Second  Lothario.  And  the  dusky  nymphs  of  Hayti,  one  and  all, 
declared  him  a  perpetual  Adonis.  Tucky  walked  about,  whis 
tling  to  himself,  without  regarding  anybody ;  and  his  nonchalance 
was  irresistible." 

I  found  Will  had  got  neck  and  heels  into  one  of  his  travellers' 
stories ;  and  there  is  no  knowing  how  far  he  wrould  have  run  his 
parallel  between  Billy  Dimple  and  Tucky  Squash,  had  not  the 
music  struck  up  from  an  adjoining  apartment,  and  summoned  the 
company  to  the  dance.  The  sound  seemed  to  have  an  inspiring 
effect  on  honest  Will,  and  he  procured  the  hand  of  an  old  acquaint 
ance  for  a  country  dance.  It  happened  to  be  the  fashionable  one 
of  "the  Devil  among  the  tailors,"  which  is  so  vociferously  de 
manded  at  every  ball  and  assembly :  and  many  a  torn  gown,  and 
many  an  unfortunate  toe  did  rue  the  dancing  of  that  night ;  for  Will 
thundered  down  the  dance  like  a  coach  and  six,  sometimes  right, 
sometimes  wrong ;  now  running  over  half  a  score  of  little  French 
men,  and  now  making  sad  inroads  into  ladies'  cobweb  muslins 
and  spangled  tails.  As  every  part  of  Will's  body  partook  of  the 
exertion,  he  shook  from  his  capacious  head  such  volumes  of  pow 
der,  that  like  pious  Eneas  on  the  first  interview  with  Queen  Dido, 
he  might  be  said  to  have  been  enveloped  in  a  cloud.  Nor  was 
Will's  partner  an  insignificant  figure  in  the  scene ;  she  was  a 
young  lady  of  most  voluminous  proportions,  that  quivered  at  every 
skip ;  and  being  braced  up  in  the  fashionable  style  with  whale 
bone,  stay-tape,  and  buckram,  looked  like  an  apple  pudding  tied 
in  the  middle ;  or,  taking  her  flaming  dress  into  consideration,  like 
a  bed  and  bolsters  rolled  up  in  a  suit  of  red  curtains.  The  dance 
finished,  I  would  gladly  have  taken  Will  off',  but  no ;  he  was  now 
in  one  of  his  happy  moods,  and  there  was  no  doing  anything  with 
him.  He  insisted  on  my  introducing  him  to  Miss  SOPHY  SPARKLE, 
a  young  lady  unrivalled  for  playful  wit  and  innocent  vivacity,  and 
who,  like  a  brilliant,  adds  lustre  to  the  front  of  fashion.  I  accord 
ingly  presented  him  to  her,  and  began  a  conversation  in  wrhich,  I 
thought,  he  might  take  a  share ;  but  no  such  thing.  Will  took 
his  stand  beside  her,  straddling  like  a  Colossus,  with  his  hands  in 
his  pockets,  and  an  air  of  the  most  profound  attention  ;  nor  did  he 
pretend  to  open  his  lips  for  some  time,  until,  upon  some  lively 
sally  of  hers,  he  electrified  the  whole  company  with  a  most  in- 


SALMAGUNDI.  57 

tolerable  burst  of  laughter.  What  was  to  be  done  with  such  an 
incorrigible  fellow  ? — to  add  to  my  distress,  the  first  word  he  spoke 
was  to  tell  Miss  Sparkle  that  something  she  said  reminded  him  of 
a  circumstance  that  happened  to  him  in  Cliina ;  and  at  it  he  went 
in  the  true  traveller  style — described  the  Chinese  mode  of  eating 
rice  with  chop-sticks ;  entered  into  a  long  eulogium  on  the  succu 
lent  qualities  of  boiled  birds'  nests;  and  I  made  my  escape  at  the 
very  moment  when  he  was  on  the  point  of  squatting  down  on  the 
floor,  to  show  how  the  little  Chinese  Joslies  sit  cross-legged. 


TO  THE  LADIES. 

FROM   THE   MILL   OF   PINDAR   COCKLOFT,    ESQ. 

THOUGH  jogging  down  the  hill  of  life, 
"Without  the  comfort  of  a  wife ; 
And  though  I  ne'er  a  helpmate  chose, 
To  stock  my  house  and  mend  my  hose ; 
"With  care  my  person  to  adorn, 
And  spruce  me  up  on  Sunday  morn ; 
Still  do  I  love  the  gentle  sex, 
And  still  with  cares  my  brain  perplex 
To  keep  the  fair  ones  of  the  age 
Unsullied  as  the  spotless  page ; 
All  pure,  all  simple,  all  refined, 
The  sweetest  solace  of  mankind. 

I  hate  the  loose  insidious  jest 
To  beauty's  modest  ear  addrest, 
And  hold  that  frowns  should  never  fail 
To  check  each  smooth,  but  fulsome  tale ; 
But  he  whose  impious  pen  should  dare 
Invade  the  morals  of  the  fair ; 
To  taint  that  purity  divine 
"Which  should  each  female  heart  enshrine ; 
Though  soft  his  vicious  strains  should  swell, 
As  those  which  erst  from  G-abriel  fell, 
Should  yet  be  held  aloft  to  shame, 
And  foul  dishonor  shade  his  name. 
Judge  then,  my  friends,  of  my  surprise, 
The  ire  that  kindled  in  my  eyes, 
When  I  relate,  that  t'other  day 
I  went  a  morning  call  to  pay, 
On  two  young  nieces ;  just  come  down 
To  take  the  polish  of  the  town : 


58  SALMAGUNDI. 

By  which  I  mean  no  more  or  less 
Than  a  la  Franccm--  to  undress ; 
To  whirl  the  modest  waltz'  rounds, 
Taught  by  Duport  for  snug  ten  pounds. 
To  thump  and  thunder  through  a  song, 
Play  fortes  soft  and  doke's  strong : 
Exhibit  loud  piano  feats, 
Caught  from  that  crotchet-hero,  Meetz ; 
To  drive  the  rose-bloom  from  the  face, 
And  fix  the  lily  in  its  place ; 
To  doff  the  white,  and  in  its  stead 
To  bounce  about  in  brazen  red. 

While  in  the  parlor  I  delay'd 
Till  they  their  persons  had  array 'd, 
A  dapper  volume  caught  my  eye, 
That  on  the  window  chanced  to  lie : 
A  book's  a  friend — I  always  choose 
To  turn  its  pages  and  peruse ; 
It  proved  those  poems  known  to  fame 
For  praising  every  cyprian  dame ; 
The  bantlings  of  a  dapper  youth, 
Benown'd  for  gratitude  and  truth ; 
A  little  pest,  hight  TOMMY  MOORE, 
Who  hopp'd  and  skipp'd  our  country  o'er ; 
Who  sipp'd  our  tea  and  lived  on  sops, 
Revell'd  on  syllabubs  and  slops, 
And  when  his  brain,  of  cobweb  fine, 
Was  fuddled  with  five  drops  of  wine, 
Would  all  his  puny  loves  rehearse, 
And  many  a  maid  debauch — in  verse. 
Surprised  to  meet  in  open  view, 
A  book  of  such  lascivious  hue, 
I  chid  my  nieces — but  they  say, 
'Tis  all  the  passion  of  the  day ; 
That  many  a  fashionable  belle 
Will  with  enraptured  accents  dwell 
On  the  sweet  morceau  she  has  found 
In  this  delicious,  curst,  compound  1 

Soft  do  the  tinkling  numbers  roll, 
And  lure  to  vice  the  unthinking  soul ; 
They  tempt  by  softest  sounds  away, 
They  lead  entranced  the  heart  astray ; 
And  Satan's  doctrine  sweetly  sing, 
As  with  a  seraph's  heavenly  string. 
Such  sounds,  so  good,  old  Homer  sung, 
Once  warbled  from  the  Syren's  tongue ; 
Sweet  melting  tones  were  heard  to  pour 
Along  Ausonia's  sun-gilt  shore ; 
Seductive  strains  in  asther  float, 


SALMAGUNDI. 


And  every  wild  deceitful  note 
That  could  the  yielding  heart  assail,       //Tr  •%«  * 
Were  wafted  on  the  breathing  gale ;       j  U  If  4 
And  every  gentle  accent  bland  Vi     >* 

To  tempt  Ulysses  to  their  strand. 

And  can  it  be  this  book  so  base,  p 

Is  laid  on  every  window  case  ? 
Oh  1  fair  ones,  if  you  will  profane 
Those  breasts  where  heaven  itself  should  reign ; 
And  throw  those  pure  recesses  wide, 
Where  peace  and  virtue  should  reside, 
To  let  the  holy  pile  admit 
A  guest  unhallowed  and  unfit ; 
Pray,  like  the  frail  ones  of  the  night, 
Who  hide  their  wanderings  from  the  light, 
So  let  your  errors  secret  be, 
And  hide,  at  least,  your  fault  from  me ; 
Seek  some  by-corner  to  explore 
The  smooth  polluted  pages  o'er: 
There  drink  the  insidious  poison  in, 
There  slily  nurse  your  souls  for  sin : 
And  while  that  purity  you  blight 
Which  stamps  you  messengers  of  light, 
And  sap  those  mounds  the  gods  bestow, 
To  keep  you  spotless  here  below  ; 
Still  in  compassion  to  our  race, 
Who  joy,  not  only  in  the  face, 
But  in  that  more  exalted  part, 
The  sacred  temple  of  the  heart ; 
Oh  1  hide  for  ever  from  our  view, 
The  fatal  mischief  you  pursue : 
kgt  MEN  your  praises  still  exalt, 
And  none  but  ANGELS  mourn  yo 


SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  VI.— FRIDAY,  MARCH  20,  1807. 

FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

THE  Cockloft  family,  of  which  I  have  made  such  frequent 
mention,  is  of  great  antiquity,  if  there  be  any  truth  in  the  genea 
logical  tree  which  hangs  up  in  my  cousin's  library.  They  trace 
their  descent  from  a  celebrated  Roman  knight,  cousin  to  the  pro 
genitor  of  his  majesty  of  Britain,  who  left  his  native  country  on 
occasion  of  some  disgust ;  and  coming  into  Wales  became  a  great 
favorite  of  prince  Madoc,  and  accompanied  that  famous  argonaut 
in  the  voyage  which  ended  in  the  discovery  of  this  continent. 
Though  a  member  of  the  family,  I  have  sometimes  ventured  to 
doubt  the  authenticity  of  this  portion  of  their  annals,  to  the  great 
vexation  of  cousin  Christopher :  who  is  looked  up  to  as  the  head 
of  our  house :  and  who,  though  as  orthodox  as  a  bishop,  would 
sooner  give  up  the  whole  decalogue  than  lop  off  a  single  limb  of 
the  family  tree.  From  time  immemorial,  it  has  been  the  rule  for 
the  Cocklofts  to  marry  one  of  their  own  name ;  and,  as  they  al 
ways  bred  like  rabbits,  the  family  has  increased  and  multiplied 
like  that  of  Adam  and  Eve.  In  truth,  their  number  is  almost 
incredible ;  and  you  can  hardly  go  into  any  part  of  the  country 
without  starting  a  warren  of  genuine  Cocklofts.  Every  person 
of  the  least  observation  or  experience,  must  have  observed  that 
where  this  practice  of  marrying  cousins,  and  second  cousins, 
prevails  in  a  family,  every  member,  in  the  course  of  a  few  gene 
rations,  becomes  queer,  humorous,  and  original ;  as  much  distin 
guished  from  the  common  race  of  mongrels  as  if  he  was  of  a  dif 
ferent  species.  This  has  happened  in  our  family,  and  particularly 
in  that  branch  of  it  of  which  Mr.  Christopher  Cockloft,  or,  to  do  him 
justice,  Mr.  Christopher  Cockloft,  Esq.,  is  the  head.  Christopher 
is,  in  fact,  the  only  married  man  of  the  name  who  resides  in  town ; 
his  family  is  small,  having  lost  most  of  his  children,  when  young, 
by  the  excessive  care  he  took  to  bring  them  up  like  vegetables. 
This  was  one  of  his  first  whim-whams,  and  a  confounded  one  it 
was ;  as  his  children  might  have  told,  had  they  not  fallen  victims 
to  this  experiment  before  they  could  talk.  He  had  got  from  some 
quack  philosopher  or  other,  a  notion  that  there  was  a  complete 
analogy  between  children  and  plants,  and  that  they  ought  to  be 
both  reared  alike.  Accordingly  he  sprinkled  them  every  morning 
with  water ;  laid  them  out  in  the  sun,  as  he  did  his  geraniums ; 


SALMAGUNDI.  Gl 

and,  if  the  season  was  remarkably  dry,  repeated  this  wise  ex 
periment  three  or  four  times  of  a  morning.  The  consequence 
was,  that  the  poor  little  souls  died  one  after  the  other,  except 
Jeremy  and  his  two  sisters ;  who,  to  be  sure,  are  a  trio  of  as  odd, 
runty,  mummy-looking  originals  as  ever  Hogarth  fancied  in  his 
'  most  happy  moments.  Mrs.  Cockloft,  the  larger  if  not  the  better 
half  of  my  cousin,  often  remonstrated  against  this  vegetable  theo 
ry  ;  and  even  brought  the  parson  of  the  parish,  in  which  my 
cousin's  country  house  is -situated,  to  her  aid ;  but  in  vain :  Christo 
pher  persisted,  and  attributed  the  failure  of  his  plan  to  its  not 
having  been  exactly  conformed  to.  As  I  have  mentioned  Mrs. 
Cockloft,  I  may  as  well  say  a  little  more  about  her  while  I  am  in  the 
humor.  She  is  a  lady  of  wonderful  notability,  a  warm  admirer  of 
shining  mahogany,  clean  hearths,  and  her  husband ;  who  she  con 
siders  the  wisest  man  in  the  world,  bating  Will  Wizard  and  the  par 
son  of  our  parish ;  the  last  of  whom  is  her  oracle  on  all  occasions. 
She  goes  constantly  to  church  every  Sunday  and  Saint's-day ;  and 
insists  upon  it  that  no  man  is  entitled  to  ascend  a  pulpit  unless  he 
has  been  ordained  by  a  bishop ;  nay,  so  far  does  she  carry  her 
orthodoxy,  that  all  the  argument  in  the  world  will  never  per 
suade  her  that  a  presb}rterian  or  baptist,  or  even  a  calvinist,  has 
any  possible  chance  of  going  to  heaven.  Above  every  thing  else, 
however,  she  abhors  paganism ;  can  scarcely  refrain  from  laying 
violent  hands  on  a  pantheon  when  she  meets  with  it ;  and  was 
very  nigh  going  into  hysterics,  when  my  cousin  insisted  one  of 
his  boys  should  be  christened  after  our  laureate,  because  the  par 
son  of  the  parish  had  told  her  that  Pindar  was  the  name  of  a 
pagan  writer ;  famous  for  his  love  of  boxing  matches,  wrestling, 
and  horse-racing.  To  sum  up  all  her  qualifications  in  the  shortest 
possible  way,  Mrs.  Cockloft  is,  in  the  true  sense  of  the  phrase,  a 
good  sort  of  woman;  and  I  often  congratulate  my  cousin  on 
possessing  her.  The  rest  of  the  family  consists  of  Jeremy  Cock 
loft,  the  younger,  who  has  already  been  mentioned,  and  the  two 
Miss  Cocklofts,  or  rather  the  young  ladies,  as  they  have  been 
called  by  the  servants  time  out  of  mind ;  not  that  they  are  really 
young,  the  younger  being  somewhat  on  the  shady  side  of  thirty, 
but  it  has  ever  been  the  custom  to  call  every  member  of  the 
family  young  under  fifty.  In  the  southeast  corner  of  the  house, 
I  hold  quiet  possession  of  an  old-fashioned  apartment,  where  my 
self  and  my  elbow-chair  are  suffered  to  amuse  ourselves  undis 
turbed,  save  at  meal  times.  This  apartment  old  Cockloft  has 
facetiously  denominated  cousin  Launce's  paradise ;  and  the  good 
old  gentleman  has  two  or  three  favorite  jokes  about  it,  which  are 
served  up  as  regularly  as  the  standing  family  dish  of  beef-steaks 
and  onions,  which  every  day  maintains  its  station  at  the  foot  of 
the  table,  in  defiance  of  mutton,  poultry,  or  even  venison  itself. 

Though  the  family  is  apparently  small,  yet  like  most  old  esta 
blishments  of  the  kind  it  does  not  want  for  honorary  members. 
It  is  the  c'ity  rendezvous  of  the  Cocklofts  ;  and  we  are  continually 


62  SALMAGUNDI. 

enlivened  by  the  company  of  half  a  score  of  uncles,  aunts,  and 
cousins,  in  the  fortieth  remove,  from  all  parts  of  the  country,  who 
profess  a  wonderful  regard  for  cousin  Christopher;  and  over 
whelm  every  member  of  his  household,  down  to  the  cook  in  the 
kitchen,  with  their  attentions.  We  have  for  three  weeks  past 
been  greeted  with  the  company  of  two  worthy  old  spinsters,  who 
came  down  from  the  country  to  settle  a  law-suit.  They  have 
done  little  else  but  retail  stories  of  their  village  neighbors,  knit 
stockings  and  take  snuff,  all  the  time  they  have  been  here ;  the 
whole  family  are  bewildered  with  church-yard  tales  of  sheeted 
ghosts,  white  horses  without  heads,  and  with  large  goggle  eyes 
in  their  buttocks ;  and  not  one  of  the  old  servants  dare  budge  an 
inch  after  dark  without  a  numerous  company  at  his  heels.  My 
cousin's  visitors,  however,  always  return  his  hospitality  with  due 
gratitude,  and  now  and  then  remind  him  of  their  fraternal  regard, 
by  a  present  of  a  pot  of  apple  sweetmeats,  or  a  barrel  of  sour 
cidor  at  Christmas.  Jeremy  displays  himself  to  great  advantage 
among  his  country  relations,  who  all  think  him  a  prodigy;  and 
often  stand  astounded,  in  "  gaping  wonderment,"  at  his  natural 
philosophy.  He  lately  frightened  a  simple  old  uncle  almost  out 
of  his  wits,  by  giving  it  as  his  opinion  that  the  earth  would  one 
day  be  scorched  to  ashes  by  the  eccentric  gambols  of  the  famous 
comet,  so  much  talked  of;  and  positively  asserted  that  this  world 
revolved  round  the  sun,  and  that  the  moon  was  certainly 
inhabited. 

The  family  mansion  bears  equal  marks  of  antiquity  with  its 
inhabitants.  As  the  Cocklofts  are  remarkable  for  their  attachment 
to  every  thing  that  has  remained  long  in  the  family,  they  are 
bigoted  towards  their  old  edifice,  and  I  dare  say  would  sooner 
have  it  crumble  about  their  ears  than  abandon  it.  The  conse 
quence  is,  it  has  been  so  patched  up  and  repaired,  that  it  has 
become  as  full  of  whims  and  oddities  as  its  tenants ;  requires  to 
be  nursed  and  humored  like  a  gouty  old  codger  of  an  alderman; 
and  reminds  one  of  the  famous  ship  in  which  a  certain  admiral 
circumnavigated  the  globe,  which  was  so  patched  and  timbered, 
in  order  to  preserve  so  great  a  curiosity,  that  at  length  not  a 
particle  of  the  original  remained.  "Whenever  the  wind  blows,  the 
old  mansion  makes  a  most  perilous  groaning;  and  every  storm  is 
sure  to  make  a  day's  work  for  the  carpenter,  who  attends  upon  it 
as  regularly  as  the  family  physician.  This  predilection  for  every 
thing  that  has  been  long  in  the  family  shows  itself  in  every  par 
ticular.  The  domestics  are  all  grown  gray  in  the  service  of  our 
house.  "We  have  a  little,  old,  crusty,  gray-headed  negro,  who 
has  lived  through  two  or  three  generations  of  the  Cocklofts ;  and 
of  course  has  become  a  personage  of  no  little  importance  in  the 
household.  He  calls  all  the  family  by  their  Christian  names; 
tells  long  stories  about  how  he  dandled  them  on  his  knee  when 
they  were  children ;  and  is  a  complete  Cockloft  chronicle  for  the 
last  seventy  years.  The  family  carriage  was  made  in  the  last 


SALMAGUNDI.  63 


French  war,  and  the  old  horses  werfl  p^at  .  inflnkiffljfly  foaled  in 
NoaTi'!-}  aflfe;  resembling  marvellously  in  gravity  of  demeanor," 

tTiose  sober  animals  which  may  be  seen  any  day  of  the  year  in 
the  streets  of  Philadelphia,  walking  their  snail's  pace,  a  dozen  in 
a  row,  and  harmoniously  jingling  their  bells.  Whim-whams  are 
the  inheritance  of  the  Cocklofts,  and  every  member  of  the  house 
hold  is  a  humorist  sui  generis,  from  the  master  down  to  the  foot 
man.  The  very  cats  and  dogs  are  humorists  ;  and  we  have  a 
little  runty  scoundrel  of  a  cur,  who,  whenever  the  church  bells 
ring,  will  run  to  the  street  door,  turn  up  his  nose  in  the  wind, 
and  howl  most  piteously.  Jeremy  insists  that  this  is  owing  to  a 
peculiar  delicacy  in  the  organization  of  his  ears,  and  supports  his 
position  by  many  learned  arguments  which  nobody  can  under 
stand  ;  but  I  am  of  opinion  that  it  is  a  mere  Cockloft  whim-wham, 
which  the  little  cur  indulges,  being  descended  from  a  race  of  dogn 
which  has  flourished  in  the  family  ever  since  the  time  of  my 
grandfather.  A  propensity  to  save  every  tlu'ng  that  bears  the 
stamp  of  family  antiquity,  has  accumulated  an  abundance  of 
trumpery  and  rubbish  with  which  the  house  is  incumbered  from 
the  cellar  to  the  garret;  and  every  room,  and  closet,  and  corner, 
is  crammed  with  three  legged  chairs,  clocks  without  hands, 
swords  without  scabbards,  cocked  hats,  broken  candlesticks,  and 
looking-glasses,  with  frames  carved  into  fantastic  shapes  of 
feathered  sheep,  woolly  birds,  and  other  animals  that  have  no 
name  except  in  books  of  heraldry.  The  ponderous  mahogany 
chairs  in  the  parlors  are  of  such  unwieldy  proportions  that  it  is 
quite  a  serious  undertaking  to  gallant  one  of  them  across  the 
room  ;  and  sometimes  make  a  most  equivocal  noise  when  you  sit 
down  in  a  hurry;  the  mantelpiece  is  decorated  with  little 
lacquered  earthen  shepherdesses;  same  of  which  are  without 
toes,  and  others  without  noses;  and  the  fire-place  is  garnished 
out  with  Dutch  tiles,  exhibiting  a  great  variety  of  scripture 
pieces,  which  my  good  old  soul  of  a  cousin  takes  infinite  delight 
in  explaining.  —  Poor  Jeremy  hates  them  as  he  does  poison  ;  for 
while  a  younker,  he  was  obliged  by  his  mother  to  learn  the  history 
of  a  tile  every  Sunday  morning  before  she  would  permit  him  to 
join  his  play-rnates  ;  this  was  a  terrible  affair  for  Jeremy,  who, 
by  the  time  he  had  learned  the  last,  had  forgotten  the  first,  and 
was  obliged  to  begin  again.  He  assured  me  the  other  day,  with 
a  round  college  oath,  that  if  the  old  house  stood  out  till  he 
inherited  it,  he  would  have  these  tiles  taken  out,  and  ground  into 
powder,  for  the  perfect  hatred  he  bore  them. 

My  cousin  Christopher  enjoys  unlimited  authority  in  the 
mansion  of  his  forefathers;  he  is  truly  what  may  be  termed  a 
hearty  old  blade  ;  has  a  florid,  sunshine  countenance  ;  and  if  you 
will  only  praise  his  wine,  and  laugh  at  his  long  stories,  himself 
and  his  house  are  heartily  at  your  service.  —  The  first  condition 
is  indeed  easily  complied  with,  for,  to  tell  the  truth,  his  wine 
is  excellent;  but  his  stories,  being  not  of  the  best,  and  often 


64  SALMAGUNDI. 

repeated,  are  apt  to  create  a  disposition  to  yawn;  being,  in 
addition  to  their  other  qualities,  most  unreasonably  long.  His 
prolixity  is  the  more  afflicting  to  me,  since  I  have  all  his  stories 
by  heart ;  and  when  he  enters  upon  one,  it  reminds  me  of  Newark 
causeway,  where  the  traveller  sees  the  end  at  the  distance  of 
several  miles.  To  the  great  misfortune  of  all  his  acquaintance, 
cousin  Cockloft  is  blest  with  a  most  provoking  retentive  memory ; 
and  can  give  day  and  date,  and  name  and  age  and  circumstance, 
with  the  most  unfeeling  precision.  These,  however,  are  but 
trivial  foibles,  forgotten,  or  remembered,  only  with  a  kind  of 
tender  respectiful  pity,  by  those  who  know  with  what  a  rich 
redundant  harvest  of  kindness  and  generosity  his  heart  is  stored. 
It  would  delight  you  to  see  with  what  social  gladness  he 
welcomes  a  visitor  into  his  house ;  and  the  poorest  man  that  enters 
his  door,  never  leaves  it  without  a  cordial  invitation  to  sit  down, 
and  drink  a  glass  of  wine.  By  the  honest  farmers  round  his 
country-seat,  he  is  looked  up  to  with  love  and  reverence ;  they 
never  pass  him  by,  without  his  inquiring  after  the  welfare  of  their 
families,  and  receiving  a  cordial  shake  of  his  liberal  hand.  There 
are  but  two  classes  of  people  who  are  thrown  out  of  the  reach  of 
his  hospitality,  and  these  are  Frenchmen  and  democrats.  The 
old  gentleman  considers  it  treason  against  the  majesty  of  good 
breeding,  to  speak  to  any  visitor  with  his  hat  on ;  but,  the 
moment  a  democrat  enters  his  door,  he  forthwith  bids  his  man 
Pompey  bring  his  hat,  puts  it  on  his  head,  and  salutes  him  with  an 
appalling  "  well,  sir,  what  do  you  want  with  me  ?" 

He  has  a  profound  contempt  for  Frenchmen,  and  firmly 
believes,  that  they  eat  nothing  but  frogs  and  soup-maigre  in  their 
own  country.  This  unlucky  prejudice  is  partly  owing  to  my 
great  aunt  PAMELA,  having  been  many  years  ago  run  away  with 
by  a  French  count,  who  turned  out  to  be  the  son  of  a  generation 
of  barbers ; — and  partly  to  a  little  vivid  spark  of  toryism,  which 
burns  in  a  secret  corner  of  his  heart.  He  was  a  loyal  subject  of 
the  crown,  has  hardly  yet  recovered  the  shock  of  independence  ; 
and,  though  he  does  not  care  to  own  it,  always  does  honor  to  his 
majesty's  birth-day,  by  inviting  a  few  cavaliers,  like  himself, 
to  dinner ;  and  gracing  his  table  with  more  than  ordinary  festivity. 
If  by  chance  the  revolution  is  mentioned  before  him,  my  cousin 
shakes  his  head^  and  you  may  see,  if  you  take  good  note,  a 
lurking  smile  of  contempt  in  the  corner  of  his  eye,  which  marks  a 
decided  disapprobation  of  the  sound.  He  once,  in  the  fulness  of 
his  heart,  observed  to  me  that  green  peas  were  a  month  later 
than  they  were  under  the  old  government.  But  the  most 
eccentric  manifestation  of  loyalty  he  ever  gave,  was  making  a 
voyage  to  Halifax  for  no  other  reason  under  heaven,  but  to  hear 
his  Majesty  prayed  for  in  church,  as  he  used  to  be  here  formerly. 
This  he  never  could  be  brought  fairly  to  acknowledge ;  but  it  is  a 
certain  fact,  I  assure  you.  It  is  not  a  little  singular  that  a  person, 
so  much  given  to  long  story-telling  as  my  cousin,  should  take 


SALMAGUNDI.  65 

a  liking  to  another  of  the  same  character ;  but  so  it  is  with  the 
old  gentleman : — his  prime  favorite  and  companion  is  Will  Wizard, 
who  is  almost  a  member  of  the  family ;  and  will  sit  before  the 
fire,  with  his  feet  on  the  massy  andirons,  and  smoke  his  segar, 
and  screw  his  phiz,  and  spin  away  tremendous  long  stories  of  his 
travels,  for  a  whole  evening,  to  the  great  delight  of  the  old 
gentleman  and  lady;  and  especially  of  the  young  ladies,  who, 
like  Desdemona,  do  "seriously  incline,"  and  listen  to  him  with 
innumerable  "0  dears,"  "is  it  possibles,"  "goody  graciouses," 
and  look  upon  him  as  a  second  Sinbad  the  sailor. 

The  Miss  Cocklofts,  whose  pardon  I  crave  for  not  having  parti 
cularly  introduced  them  before,  are  a  pair  of  delectable  damsels ; 
who,  having  purloined  and  locked  up  the  family-bible,  pass  for 
just  what  age  they  please  to  plead  guilty  to.  BARBARA,  the 
eldest,  has  long  since  resigned  the  character  of  a  belle,  and 
adopted  that  staid,  sober,  demure,  snuff-taking  air  becoming  her 
years  and  discretion.  She  is  a  good-natured  soul,  whom  I  never 
saw  in  a  passion  but  once ;  and  that  was  occasioned  by  seeing  an 
old  favorite  beau  of  hers  kiss  the  hand  of  a  pretty  blooming  girl ; 
and,  in  truth,  she  only  got  angry  because,  as  she  very  properly 
said,  it  was  spoiling  the  child.  Her  sister  MARGERY,  or  MAGGIE, 
as  she  is  familiarly  termed,  seemed  disposed  to  maintain  her  post 
as  a  belle,  until  a  few  months  since ;  when  accidentally  hearing  a 
gentleman  observe  that  she  broke  very  fast,  she  suddenly  left  off 
going  to  the  assembly,  took  a  cat  into  high  favor,  and  began  to 
rail  at  the  forward  pertness  of  young  misses.  From  that  moment 
I  set  her  down  for  an  old  maid;  and  so  she  is.  "by  the  hand  of 
my  body."  The  young  ladies  are  still  visited  by  some  half  dozen 
of  veteran  beaux,  who  grew  and  flourished  in  the  haut  ton,  when 
the  Miss  Cocklofts  were  quite  children ;  but  have  been  brushed 
rather  rudely  by  the  hand  of  time,  who,  to  say  the  truth,  can  do 
almost  any  thing  but  make  people  young.  They  are,  notwith 
standing,  still  warm  candidates  for  female  favor ;  look  venerably 
tender,  and  repeat  over  and  over  the  same  honeyed  speeches  and 
sugared  sentiments  to  the  little  belles  that  they  poured  so  pro 
fusely  into  the  ears  of  their  mothers.  I  beg  leave  here  to  give 
notice,  that  by  this  sketch  I  mean  no  reflection  on  old  bachelors ; 
on  the  contrary,  I  hold  that  next  to  a  fine  lady,  the  ne  plus  ultra, 
an  old  bachelor  to  be  the  most  charming  being  upon  earth  ;  in  as 
much  as  by  living  in  "single  blessedness,"  he  of  course  does  just 
as  he  pleases ;  and  if  he  has  any  genius,  must  acquire  a  plentiful 
stock  of  whims,  and  oddities,  and  whalebone  habits;  without 
which  I  esteem  a  man  to  be  mere  beef  without  mustard :  good 
for  nothing  at  all  but  to  run  on  errands  for  ladies,  take  boxes  at 
the  theatre,  and  act  the  part  of  a  screen  at  tea-parties,  or  a  walk 
ing-stick  in  the  streets.  I  merely  speak  of  these  old  boys  who 
infest  public  walks,  pounce  upon  ladies  from  every  corner  of  the 
street,  and  worry,  and  frisk,  and  amble,  and  caper  before,  behind, 
and  round  about  the  fashionable  belles,  like  old  ponies  in  a  pas- 


66  SALMAGUNDI. 

ture,  striving  to  supply  the  absence  of  youthful  whim  and  hilarity, 
by  grimaces  and  grins,  and  artificial  vivacity.  I  have  sometimes 
seen  one  of  these  "  reverend  youths"  endeavoring  to  elevate  his 
wintry  passions  into  something  like  love,  by  basking  in  the  sun 
shine  of  beauty ;  and  it  did  remind  me  of  an  old  moth  attempting 
to  fly  through  a  pane  of  glass  towards  a  light,  without  ever  ap 
proaching  near  enough  to  warm  itself,  or  scorch  its  wings. 

Never,  I  firmly  believe,  did  there  exist  a  family  that  went  more 
by  tangents  than  the  Cocklofts.  Every  thing  is  governed  by  whim ; 
and  if  one  member  starts  a  new  freak,  away  all  the  rest  follow  on 
like  wild  geese  in  a  string.  As  the  family,  the  servants,  the  horses, 
cats  and  dogs,  have  all  grown  old  together,  they  have  accommodat 
ed  themselves  to  each  other's  habits  completely ;  and  though  every 
body  of  them  is  full  of  odd  points,  angles,  rhomboids,  and  ins  and 
outs,  yet,  somehow  or  other,  they  harmonize  together  like  so  many 
straight  lines ;  and  it  is  truly  a  grateful  and  refreshing  sight  to 
see  them  agree  so  well.  Should  one,  however,  get  out  of  tune,  it 
is  like  a  cracked  fiddle,  the  whole  concern  is  ajar ;  you  perceive  a 
cloud  over  every  brow  in  the  house,  and  even  the  old  chairs  seem 
to  creak  affetuoso.  If  my  cousin,  as  he  is  rather  apt  to  do,  betray 
any  symptoms  of  vexation  or  uneasiness,  no  matter  about  what,  he 
is  worried  to  death  with  inquiries,  which  answer  no  other  end  but 
to  demonstrate  the  good  will  of  the  inquirer,  and  put  him  in  a 
passion ;  for  everybody  body  knows  how  provoking  it  is  to  be  cut 
short  in  a  fit  of  the  blues,  by  an  impertinent  question  about  "  what 
is  the  matter  ?"  when  a  man  can't  tell  himself.  I  remember  a  few 
months  ago  the  old  gentleman  came  home  in  quite  a  squall ;  kicked 
poor  Cuesar,  the  mastiff,  out  of  his  way,  as  he  came  through  the 
hall ;  threw  his  hat  on  the  table  with  most  violent  emphasis,  and 
pulling  out  his  box,  took  three  huge  pinches  of  snuff,  and  threw  a 
fourth  into  the  cat's  eyes  as  he  sat  purring  his  astonishment  at  the 
fire-side.  This  was  enough  to  set  the  body  politic  going;  Mrs. 
Cockloft  began  "my  dcaring"  it  as  fast  as  tongue  could  move; 
the  young  ladies  took  each  a  stand  at  an  elbow  of  his  chair ; — 
Jeremy  marshalled  in  the  rear; — the  servants  came  tumbling  in  ; 
the  mastiff  put  up  an  inquiring  nose ; — and  even  grimalkin,  after 
he  had  cleaned  his  whiskers  and  finished  sneezing,  discovered  in 
dubitable  signs  of  sympathy.  After  the  most  affectionate  inquiries 
on  all  sides,  it  turned  out  that  my  cousin,  in  crossing  the  street, 
had  got  his  silk  stockings  bespattered  with  mud  by  a  coach,  which 
it  seems  belonged  to  a  dashing  gentleman  who  had  formerly  sup 
plied  the  family  with  hot  rolls  and  muffins !  Mrs.  Cockloft  there 
upon  turned  up  her  eyes,  and  the  young  ladies  their  noses ;  and  it 
would  have  edified  a  whole  congregation  to  hear  the  conversation 
which  took  place  concerning  the  insolence  of  upstarts,  and  the 
vulgarity  of  would-be  gentlemen  and  ladies,  who  strive  to  emerge 
from  low  life  by  dashing  about  in  carriages  to  pay  a  visit  two  doors 
off;  giving  parties  to  people  who  laugh  at  them,  and  cutting  all 
their  old  friends. 


SALMAGUNDI.  67 

THEATRICS. 

BY  WILLIAM   WIZARD,    ESQ. 

I  WENT  a  few  evenings  since  to  the  theatre  accompanied  by 
ray  friend  Snivers,  the  cockney,  who  is  a  man  deeply  read  in  the 
history  of  Cinderella,  Valentine  and  Orson,  Blue  Beard,  and  all 
those  recondite  works  so  necessary  to  enable  a  man  to  understand 
the  modern  drama.  Snivers  is  one  of  those  intolerable  fellows 
who  will  never  be  pleased  with  any  thing  until  he  has  turned  and 
twisted  it  divers  ways,  to  see  if  it  corresponds  with  his  notions  of 
congruity ;  and  as  he  is  none  of  the  quickest  in  his  ratiocinations 
he  will  sometimes  come  out  with  his  approbation,  when  every 
body  else  has  forgotten  the  cause  which  excited  it.  Sgivers, Js, 
moreover,  a.  great  critic,  for  he  finds  fault  with  everything ;  this 
being  what  I  understand  by  modern  criticism.  He,  however,  is 
pleased  to  acknowledge  that  our  theatre  is  not  so  despicable,  all 
things  considered  ;  and  really  thinks  Cooper  one  of  our  best  ac 
tors.  The  play  was  OTHELLO,  and  to  speak  my  mind  freely,  I  think 
I  have  seen  it  performed  much  worse  in  my  time.  The  actors,  I 
firmly  believe,  did  their  best ;  and  whenever  this  is  the  case  no 
man  has  a  right  to  find  fault  with  them  in  my  opinion.  Little 
RUTHERFORD,  the  Roscius  of  the  Philadelphia  theatre,  looked  as 
big  as  possible;  and  what  he  wanted  in  size  he  made  up  in 
'  frowning.  I  like  frowning  in  tragedy :  and  if  a  man  but  keeps 
his  forehead  in  proper  wrinkle,  talks  big,  and  takes  long  strides 
on  the  stage,  I  always  set  him  down  as  a  great  tragedian ;  and  so 
does  my  friend  Snivers. 

Before  the  first  act  was  over.  Snivers  began  to  flourish  his  cri 
tical  wooden  sword  like  a  harlequin.  He  first  found  fault  with 
Cooper  for  not  having  made  himself  as  black  as  a  negro,  "for," 
said  he,  "  that  Othello  was  an  arrant  black,  appears  from  several 
expressions  of  the  play;  as  for  instance,  'thick  lips,'  'sooty 
bosom,'  and  a  variety  of  others.  I  am  inclined  to  think,"  con 
tinued  he,  "  that  Othello  was  an  Egyptian,  by  birth,  from  the  cir 
cumstance  of  the  handkerchief  given  to  his  mother  by  a  native  of 
that  country ;  and,  if  so,  he  certainly  was  as  black  as  my  hat  ; 
for  Herodotus  has  told  us,  that  the  Egyptians  had  flat  noses  and 
frizzled  hair  :  a  clear  proof  that  they  were  all  negroes."  He  did 
not  confine  his  strictures  to  this  single  error  of  the  actor,  but 
went  on  to  run  him  down  in  toto.  In  this  he  was  seconded  by  a 
red  hot  Philadelphian,  who  proved,  by  a  string  of  most  eloquent 
logical  puns,  that  Fennel  was  unquestionably  in  every  respect  a 
better  actor  than  Cooper.  I  knew  it  was  vain  to  contend  with 
them,  since  I  recollected  a  most  obstinate  trial  of  skill  these  two 
great  Roscii  had  last  spring  in  Philadelphia.  Cooper  brandished 


68  SALMAGUNDI. 

his  blood-stained  dagger  at  the  theatre — Fennel  flourished  his 
snuff-box  and  shook  his  wig  at  the  Lyceum,  and  the  unfortunate 
Phlladelphians  were  a  long  time  at  a  loss  to  decide  which 
deserved  the  palm.  The  literati  were  inclined  to  give  it  to  Coo 
per,  because  his  name  was  the  most  fruitful  in  puns ;  but  then,  on 
the  other  side,  it  was  contended  that  Fennel  was  the  best  Greek 
scholar.  Scarcely  was  the  town  of  Strasburgh  in  a  greater  hub 
bub  about  the  courteous  stranger's  nose ;  and  it  was  well  that 
the  doctors  of  the  university  did  not  get  into  the  dispute,  else  it 
might  have  become  a  battle  of  folios.  At  length,  after  much  ex 
cellent  argument  had  been  expended  on  both  sides,  recourse  was 
had  to  Cocker's  arithmetic  and  a  carpenter's  rule ;  the  rival  can 
didates  were  both  measured  by  one  of  their  most  steady-handed 
critics,  and  by  the  most  exact  measurement  it  was  proved  that 
Mr.  Fennel  was  the  greater  actor  by  three  inches  and  a  quarter. 
Since  this  demonstration  of  inferiority,  Cooper  has  never  been  able 
to  hold  up  his  head  in  Philadelphia. 

In  order  to  change  a  conversation  in  which  my  favorite  suf 
fered  so  much,  I  made  some  inquiries  of  the  Philadelphian  con 
cerning  the  two  heroes  of  his  theatre,  WOOD  and  CAIN  ;  but 
I  had  scarcely  mentioned  their  names,  when,  whack  I  he  threw  a 
whole  handful  of  puns  in  my  face ;  'twas  like  a  bowl  of  cold 
water.  I  turned  on  my  heel,  had  recourse  to  my  tobacco-box, 
and  said  no  more  about  Wood  and  Cain  ;  nor  will  I  ever  more,  if 
I  can  help  it,  mention  their  names  in  the  presence  of  a  Philadel 
phian.  Would  that  they  could  leave  off  punning  1  for  I  love  every 
soul  of  them,  with  a  cordial  affection,  warm  as  their  own 
generous  hearts,  and  boundless  as  their  hospitality. 

During  the  performance,  I  kept  an  eye  on  the  countenance 
of  my  friend,  the  cockney  ;  because  having  come  all  the  way 
from  England,  and  having  seen  Kemble  once,  on  a  visit  which  he 
made  from  the  button  manufactory  to  Lunnun,  I  thought  his 
phiz  might  serve  as  a  kind  of  thermometer  to  direct  my  manifesta 
tions  of  applause  or  disapprobation.  I  might  as  well  have  looked 
at  the  backside  of  his  head ;  for  I  could  not,  with  all  my  peering, 
perceive  by  his  features  that  he  was  pleased  with  any  thing — 
except  himself.  His  hat  was  twitched  a  little  on  one  side,  as  much 
as  to  say,  "  demme,  I'm  your  sorts!"  he  was  sucking  the  end  of  a 
little  stick ;  he  was  "  gemman"  from  head  to  foot ;  but  as  to  his 
face,  there  was  no  more  expression  in  it  than  in  the  face  of  a 
Chinese  lady  on  a  teacup.  On  Cooper's  giving  one  of  his  gun 
powder  explosions  of  passion,  I  exclaimed,  "fine,  very  fine!" 
"Pardon  me,"  said  my  friend  Snivers,  "this  is  damnable! — the 
gesture,  my  dear  Sir,  only  look  at  the  gesture  !  how  horrible !  do 
you  not  observe  that  the  actor  slaps  his  forehead,  whereas,  the 
passion  not  having  arrived  at  the  proper  height,  he  should  only 
have  slapped  his — pocket-flap  ? — this  figure  of  rhetoric  is  a  most 
important  stage  trick,  and  the  proper  management  of  it  is  what 
peculiarly  distinguishes  the  great  actor  from  the  mere  plodding 


SALMAGUNDI.  69 

mechanical  buffoon.  Different  degrees  of  passion  require  different 
slaps,  which  we  critics  have  reduced  to  a  perfect  manual,  im 
proving  upon  the  principle  adopted  by  Frederick  of  Prussia,  by 
deciding  that  an  actor,  like  a  soldier,  is  a  mere  machine  ;  as  thus 
— the  actor,  for  a  minor  burst  of  passion,  merely  slaps  his  pocket- 
hole  ;  good ! — for  a  major  burst,  he  slaps  his  breast ;  very  good ! 
— but  for  a  burst  maximus,  he  whacks  away  at  his  forehead,  like 
a  brave  fellow ;  this  is  excellent ! — nothing  can  be  finer  than  an 
exit,  slapping  the  forehead  from  one  end  of  the  stage  to  the 
other."  "  Except,"  replied  I,  "one  of  those  slaps  on  the  breast, 
which  I  have  sometimes  admired  in  some  of  our  fat  heroes  and 
heroines,  which  make  their  whole  body  shake  and  quiver  like  a 
pyramid  of  jelly." 

The  Philadelphian  had  listened  to  this  conversation  with  pro 
found  attention,  and  appeared  delighted  with  Snivers'  mechanical 
strictures ;  'twas  natural  enough  in  a  man  who  chose  an  actor  as 
he  would  a  grenadier.  He  took  the  opportunity  of  a  pause,  to 
enter  into  a  long  conversation  with  my  friend ;  and  was  receiv 
ing  a  prodigious  fund  of  information  concerning  the  true  mode  of 
emphasising  conjunctions,  shifting  scenes,  snuffing  candles,  and 
making  thunder  and  lightning,  better  than  you  can  get  every 
day  from  the  sky,  as  practised  at  the  royal  theatres ;  when,  as  ill 
luck  would  have  it,  they  happened  to  run  their  heads  full  butt 
against  a  new  reading.  Now  this  was  "  a  stumper,"  as  our  old 
friend  Paddle  would  say ;  for  the  Philadelphians  are  as  inveterate 
new-reading  hunters  as  the  cockneys ;  and,  for  aught  I  know,  as 
well  skilled  in  finding  them  out.  The  Philadelphian  thereupon 
met  the  cockney  on  his  own  ground ;  and  at  it  they  went,  like 
two  inveterate  curs  at  a  bone.  Snivers  quoted  Theobald,  Han- 
mer,  and  a  host  of  learned  commentators,  who  have  pinned  them 
selves  on  the  sleeve  of  Shakspeare's  immortality,  and  made  the 
old  bard,  like  General  Washington,  in  General  Washington's  life, 
a  most  diminutive  figure  in  his  own  book ; — his  opponent  chose 
Johnson  for  his  bottle-holder,  and  thundered  him  forward  like  an 
elephant  to  bear  down  the  ranks  of  the  enemy.  I  was  not  long 
in  discovering  that  these  two  precious  judges  had  got  hold  of  that 
unlucky  passage  of  Shakspeare  which,  like  a  straw,  has  tickled, 
and  puzzled,  and  confounded  many  a  somniferous  buzzard  of  past 
and  present  time.  It  was  the  celebrated  wish  of  Desdemona,  that 
heaven  had  made  her  such  a  man  as  Othello.  Snivers  insisted, 
that  "  the  gentle  Desdemona"  merely  wished  for  such  a  man  for 
a  husband,  which  in  all  conscience  was  a  modest  wish  enough, 
and  very  natural  in  a  young  lady  who  might  possibly  have  had  a 
predilection  for  flat  noses:  like  a  certain  philosophical  great  man 
of  our  day.  The  Philadelphian  contended  with  all  the  vehemence 
of  a  member  of  Congress,  moving  the  house  to  have  "whereas," 
or  "also,"  or  "nevertheless,"  struck  out  of  a  bill,  that  the  young 
lady  wished  heaven  had  made  her  a  man  instead  of  a  woman,  in 
order  that  she  might  have  an  opportunity  of  seeing  the  "  anthro: 


70  SALMAGUNDI. 

pophagi,  and  the  men  whose  heads  do  grow  beneath  their  shoul 
ders;"  which  was  a  very  natural  wish,  considering  the  curiosity 
of  the  sex.  On  being  referred  to,  I  incontinently  decided  in  favor 
of  the  honorable  member  who  spoke  last ;  inasmuch  as  I  think  it 
was  a  very  foolish,  and  therefore  very  natural,  wish  for  a  young 
lady  to  make  before  a  man  she  wished  to  marry.  It  was,  more 
over,  an  indication  of  the  violent  inclination  she  felt  to  wear  the 
breeches,  which  was  afterwards,  in  all  probability,  gratified,  if  we 
may  judge  from  the  title  of  "  our  captain's  captain,"  given  her  by 
Cassio,  a  phrase  which,  in  my  opinion,  indicates  that  Othello  was, 
at  that  time,  most  ignominiously  hen-pecked.  I  believe  my  argu 
ments  staggered  Snivers  himself,  for  he  looked  confoundedly 
queer,  and  said  not  another  word  on  the  subject. 

A  little  while  after,  at  it  he  went  again  on  another  tack,  and 
began  to  find  fault  with  Cooper's  manner  of  dying ;  "  it  was  not 
natural,"  he  said,  for  it  had  lately  been  demonstrated  by  a  learned 
doctor  of  physic,  that  when  a  man  is  mortally  stabbed,  he  ought  to 
take  a  flying  leap  of  at  least  five  feet,  and  drop  down  "  dead  as 
a  salmon  in  a  fishmonger's  basket."  Whenever  a  man,  in  the 
predicament  above  mentioned,  departed  from  this  fundamental 
rule,  by  falling  flat  down,  like  a  log,  and  rolling  about  for  two  or 
three  minutes,  making  speeches  all  the  time,  the  said  learned  doc 
tor  maintained  that  it  was  owing  to  the  waywardness  of  the  human 
mind,  which  delighted  in  flying  in  the  face  of  nature,  and  dying 
in  defiance  of  all  her  established  rules.  I  replied,  "  for  my  part, 
I  held  that  every  man  had  a  right  of  dying  in  whatever  position 
he  pleased ;  and  that  the  mode  of  doing  it  depended  altogether  on 
the  peculiar  character  of  the  person  going  to  die.  A  Persian 
could  not  die  in  peace  unless  he  had  his  face  turned  to  the 
east;  a  Mahometan  would  always  choose  to  have  his  towards 
Mecca;  a  Frenchman  might  prefer  this  mode  of  throwing  a 
somerset ;  but  Mynheer  Van  Brumblebottom,  the  Roscius  of  Rot 
terdam,  always  chose  to  thunder  down  on  his  seat  of  honor 
whenever  he  received  a  mortal  wound.  Being  a  man  of  ponder 
ous  dimensions,  this  had  a  most  electrifying  effect,  for  the  whole 
theatre  "  shook  like  Olympus  at  the  nod  of  Jove."  The  Phila- 
delphian  was  immediately  inspired  with  a  pun,  and  swore  that 
Mynheer  must  be  great  in  a  dying  scene,  since  he  knew  how  to 
make  the  most  of  his  latter  end. 

It  is  the  inveterate  cry  of  stage  critics,  that  an  actor  does  not 
perform  the  character  naturally,  if,  by  chance,  he  happens  not  to 
die  exactly  as  they  would  have  him.  I  think  the  exhibition  of  a 
play  at  Pekin  would  suit  them  exactly ;  and  I  wish,  with  all  my 
heart,  they  would  go  there  and  see  one ;  nature  is  there  imitated 
with  the  most  scrupulous  exactness  in  every  trifling  particular. 
Here  an  unhappy  lady  or  gentleman,  who  happens  unluckily  to 
be  poisoned  or  stabbed,  is  left  on  the  stage  to  writhe  and  groan, 
and  make  faces  at  the  audience,  until  the  poet  pleases  they  should 
die;  while  the  honest  folks  of  the  dramatis  persona1,  bless  their 


SALMAGUNDI.  7l 

hearts  !  all  crowd  round  and  yield  most  potent  assistance,  by 
crying  and  lamenting  most  vociferously  I  the  audience,  tender 
souls,  pull  out  their  white  pocket  handkerchiefs,  wipe  their  eyes, 
blow  their  noses,  and  swear  it  is  natural  as  life,  while  the  poor 
actor  is  left  to  die  without  common  Christian  comfort.  In  China, 
on  the  contrary,  the  first  thing  they  do  is  to  run  for  the  doctor 
and  tchoouc,  or  notary.  The  audience  are  entertained  throughout 
the  fifth  act  with  a  learned  consultation  of  physicians,  and  if  the 
patient  must  die,  he  does  it  secundum  artem,  and  always  is 
allowed  time  to  make  his  will.  The  celebrated  Chow-Chow  was 
the  completest  hand  I  ever  saw  at  killing  himself;  he  always  car 
ried  under  his  robe  a  bladder  of  bull's  blood,  which,  when  he 
gave  the  mortal  stab,  spirted  out  to  the  infinite  delight  of  the  au 
dience.  Not  that  the  ladies  of  China  are  more  fond  of  the  sight 
of  blood  than  those  of  our  own  country ;  on  the  contrary,  they 
are  remarkably  sensitive  in  this  particular ;  and  we  are  told  by 
the  great  Linkum  Fidelius,  that  the  beautiful  Ninny  Consequa, 
one  of  the  ladies  of  the  emperor's  seraglio,  once  fainted  away  on 
seeing  a  favorite  slave's  nose  bleed ;  since  which  time  refinement 
has  been  carried  to  such  a  pitch,  that  a  buskined  hero  is  not 
allowed  to  run  himself  through  the  body  in  the  face  of  the  audi 
ence.  The  immortal  Chow-Chow,  in  conformity  to  this  absurd 
prejudice,  whenever  he  plays  the  part  of  Othello,  which  is 
reckoned  his  master-piece,  always  keeps  a  bold  front,  stabs  him 
self  slyly  behind,  and  is  dead  before  any  body  suspects  that  he 
has  given  the  mortal  blow. 

P.  S. — Just  as  this  was  going  to  press,  I  was  informed  by 
Evergreen  that  Othello  had  not  been  performed  here  the  Lord 
knows  when ;  no  matter,  I  am  not  the  first  that  has  criticised  a 
play  without  seeing  it,  and  this  critique  will  answer  for  the  last 
performance,  if  that  was  a  dozen  years  ago. 


72  SALMAGUNDI. 


No.  VIL— SATURDAY,  APRIL  4,  1807. 


LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DTJB  KELI  KHAN. 
TO  ASEM  HACCHEM,  PRINCIPAL  SLAVE-DRIYER  TO 
HIS  HIGHNESS  THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

I  PROMISED  in  a  former  letter,  good  Asem,  that  I  would  furnish 
thee  with  a  few  hints  respecting  the  nature  of  the  government  by 
which  I  am  held  in  durance.  Though  my  inquiries  for  that  pur 
pose  have  been  industrious,  yet  I  am  not  perfectly  satisfied  with 
their  results ;  for  thou  mayst  easily  imagine  that  the  vision  of  a 
captive  is  overshadowed  by  the  mists  of  illusion  and  prejudice, 
and  the  horizon  of  his  speculations  must  be  limited  indeed.  I  find 
that  the  people  of  this  country  are  strangely  at  a  loss  to  determine 
the  nature  and  proper  character  of  their  government.  Even  their 
dervises  are  extremely  in  the  dark  as  to  this  particular,  and  are 
continually  indulging  in  the  most  preposterous  disquisitions  on  the 
subject ;  some  have  insisted  that  it  savors  of  an  aristocracy ; 
others  maintain  that  it  is  a  pure  democracy ;  and  a  third  set  of 
theorists  declare  absolutely  that  it  is  nothing  more  or  less  than  a 
mobocracy.  The  latter,  I  must  confess,  though  still  wide  in  error, 
have  come  nearest  to  the  truth.  You  of  course  must  understand 
the  meaning  of  these  different  words,  as  they  are  derived  from  the 
ancient  Greek  language,  and  bespeak  loudly  the  verbal  poverty 
of  these  poor  infidels,  who  cannot  utter  a  learned  phrase  without 
laying  the  dead  languages  under  contribution.  A  man,  my  dear 
Asem,  who  talks  good  sense  in  his  native  tongue,  is  held  in 
tolerable  estimation  in  this  country ;  but  a  fool,  who  clothes  his 
feeble  ideas  in  a  foreign  or  antique  garb,  is  bowed  down  to  as  a 
literary  prodigy.  While  I  conversed  with  these  people  in  plain 
English,  I  was  but  little  attended  to ;  but  the  moment  I  prosed 
away  in  Greek,  every  one  looked  up  to  me  with  veneration  as  an 
oracle. 

Although  the  dervises  differ  widely  in  the  particulars  above 
mentioned,  yet  they  all  agree  in  terming  their  government  one  of 
the  most  pacific  in  the  known  world.  I  cannot  help  pitying  their 
ignorance,  and  smiling,  at  times,  to  see  into  what  ridiculous  errors 
those  nations  will  wander,  who  are  unenlightened  by  the  precepts 
of  Mahomet,  our  divine  prophet,  and  uninstructed  by  the  five 
hundred  and  forty-nine  books  of  wisdom  of  the  immortal  Ibrahim 
Hassan  al  Fusti.  To  call  this  nation  pacific !  most  preposterous ! 


SALMAGUNDI.  73 

it  reminds  me  of  the  title  assumed  by  the  sheck  of  that  murderous 
tribe  of  wild  Arabs,  that  desolate  the  valleys  of  Belsaden,  who 
styles  himself  STAR  OF  COURTESY — BEAM  OP  THE  MERCY-SEAT  1 

The  simple  truth  of  the  matter  is,  that  these  people  are  totally 
ignorant  of  their  own  true  character  ;  for,  according  to  the  best 
of  my  observation,  they  are  the  most  warlike,  and  I  must  say,  the 
most  savage  nation  that  I  have  as  yet  discovered  among  all  the 
barbarians.  They  are  not  only  at  war,  in  their  own  way,  with 
almost  every  nation  on  earth,  but  they  are  at  the  same  time 
engaged  in  the  most  complicated  knot  of  civil  wars  that  ever 
infested  any  poor  unhappy  country  on  which  ALLA  has  denounced 
his  malediction  I 

To  let  thee  at  once  into  a  secret,  which  is  unknown  to  these  peo 
ple  themselves,  their  government  is  a  pure  unadulterated  LOGO- 
CUACY,  or  government  of  words,.  The  whole  nation  does  every 
tiling  viva  vdce,  or  by  word  of  mouth  ;  and  in  this  manner  is  one 
of  the  most  military  nations  in  existence.  Every  man  who  has 
what  is  here  called  the  gift  of  the  gab,  that  is,  a  plentiful  stock  of 
verbosity,  becomes  a  soldier  outright ;  and  is  for  ever  in  a  militant 
state.  The  country  is  entirely  defended  m  et  lingua  ;  that  is  to 
say,  by  force  of  tongues.  The  account  which  I  lately  wrote  to 
our  friend,  the  snorer,  respecting  the  immense  army  of  six  hun 
dred  men,  makes  nothing  against  this  observation  ;  that  formida 
ble  body  being  kept  up,  as  I  have  already  observed,  only  to  amuse 
their  fair  country-women  by  their  splendid  appearance  and  nod 
ding  plumes  ;  and  are,  by  way  of  distinction,  denominated  the 
"  defenders  of  the  fair." 

In  a  logocracy  thou  well  knowest  there  is  little  or  no  occasion 
for  fire-arms,  or  any  such  destructive  weapons.  Every  offensive  or 
defensive  measure  is  enforced  by  wordy  battle,  and  paper  war;  he 
who  has  the  longest  tongue,  or  readiest  quill,  is  sure  to  gain  the 
victory, — will  carry  horror,  abuse,  and  ink-shed  into  the  very 
trenches  of  the  enemy ;  and,  without  mercy  or  remorse,  put  men, 
women  and  children,  to  the  point  of  the — pen  ! 

There  is  still  preserved  in  this  country  some  remains  of  that 
gothic  spirit  of  knight-errantry,  which  so  much  annoyed  the 
faithful  in  the  middle  ages  of  the  hegira.  As,  notwithstanding 
their  martial  disposition,  they  are  a  people  much  given  to  com 
merce  and  agriculture,  and  must,  necessarily,  at  certain  seasons 
be  engaged  in  these  employments,  they  have  accommodated  them 
selves  by  appointing  knights,  or  constant  warriors,  incessant 
brawlers,  similar  to  those  who,  in  former  ages,  swore  eternal 
enmity  to  the  followers  of  our  divine  prophet. — These  knights, 
denominated  editors  or  SLANG- WHANGERS,  are  appointed  in  every 
town,  village,  and  district,  to  carry  on  both  foreign  and  internal 
warfare,  and  may  be  said  to  keep  up  a  constant  firing  "  in  words." 
Oh,  my  friend,  could  you  but  witness  the  enormities  sometimes 
committed  by  these  tremendous  slang- whangers,  your  very  turban 
would  rise  with  horror  and  astonishment.  I  have  seen  them  ex- 


74  SALMAGUNDI. 

tend  their  ravages  even  into  the  kitchens  of  their  opponents,  and 
annihilate  the  very  cook  with  a  blast ;  and  I  do  assure  thee,  I 
beheld  one  of  these  warriors  attack  a  most  venerable  bashaw, 
and  at  one  stroke  of  his  pen  lay  him  open  from  the  waistband  of 
his  breeches  to  his  chin  ! 

There  has  been  a  civil  war  carrying  on  with  great  violence  for 
some  time  past,  in  consequence  of  a  conspiracy,  among  the 
higher  classes,  to  dethrone  his  highness,  the  present  bashaw,  and 
place  another  in  his  stead.  I  was  mistaken  when  I  formerly  as 
serted  to  thee  that  this  dissatisfaction  arose  from  his  wearing  red 
breeches.  It  is  true  the  nation  have  long  held  that  color  in  great 
detestation,  in  consequence  of  a  dispute  they  had  some  twenty 
years  since  with  the  barbarians  of  the  British  islands.  The  color, 
however,  is  again  rising  into  favor,  as  the  ladies  have  transferred 

it  to  their  heads  from  the  bashaw's body.     The  true  reason,  I 

am  told,  is,  that  the  bashaw  absolutely  refuses  to  believe  in  the 
deluge,  and  in  the  story  of  Balaam's  ass  ;— maintaining  thpt  thia 
animal  was  never  yet  permitted  to  talk  except  in  a  genuine  logo- 
cracy  ;  where,  it  is  true,  His  voice  may  often  be  heard,  and  is  lis 
tened  to  with  reverence,  as"  "  the  voice  of  the  sovereign  peopleT5" 
Nay,  so  far  did  he  carry  his  obstinacy,  that  he  absolutely  invited 
a  professed  antediluvian  from  the  Gallic  empire,  who  illuminated 

the  whole  country  with  his  principles and  his  nose.    This  was 

enough  to  set  the  nation  in  a  blaze  ; — every  slang-whanger  re 
sorted  to  his  tongue  or  his  pen ;  and  for  seven  years  have  they 
carried  on  a  most  inhuman  war,  in  which  volumes  of  words  have 
been  expended,  oceans  of  ink  have  been  shed  ;  nor  has  any 
mercy  been  shown  to  age,  sex,  or  condition.  Every  day  have 
these  slang-whangers  made  furious  attacks  on  each  other,  and 
upon  their  respective  adherents;  discharging  their  heavy  artillery, 
consisting  of  large  sheets,  loaded  with  scoundrel !  villain  !  liar  I 
rascal !  numskull  1  nincompoop !  dunderhead  I  wiseacre  !  block 
head  !  jackass  !  and  I  do  swear,  by  my  beard,  though  I  know 
thou  wilt  scarcely  credit  me,  that  in  some  of  these  skirmishes  the 
grand  bashaw  himself  has  been  wofully  pelted  !  yea,  most  igno- 
miniously  pelted  ! — and  yet  have  these  talking  desperadoes  es 
caped  without  the  bastinado  1 

Every  now  and  then  a  slang-whanger,  who  has  a  longer  head, 
or  rather  a  longer  tongue  than  the  rest,  will  elevate  his  piece  and 
discharge  a  shot  quite  across  the  ocean,  levelled  at  the  head  of 
the  emperor  of  France,  the  king  of  England,  or,  wouldst  thou 
believe  it,  oh !  Asem,  even  at  his  sublime  highness  the  bashaw 
of  Tripoli;  these  long  pieces  are  loaded  with  single  ball,  or 
langrage,  as  tyrant!  usurper!  robber!  tyger!  monster!  and 
thou  mayest  well  suppose  they  occasion  great  distress  and  dismay 
in  the  camps  of  the  enemy,  and  are  marvellously  annoying  to  the 
crowned  heads  at  which  they  are  directed.  The  slang-whanger, 
though  perhaps  the  mere  champion  of  a  village,  having  fired  off 
his  shot,  struts  about  with  great  self-congratulation,  chuckling  at 


SALMAGUNDI.  75 

the  prodigious  bustle  he  must  have  occasioned,  and  seems  to  ask 
of  every  stranger,  "well,  sir,  what  do  they  think  of  me  in 
Europe  ?"*  This  is  sufficient  to  show  you  the  manner  in  which 
these  bloody,  or  rather  windy  fellows  fight ;  it  is  the  only  mode 
allowaOTe  lira  lUgo'eracy  or ^  gove'niment  of  words.  I  would  also 
observe  that  their  civil  wars  have  a  thousand  ramifications. 

While  the  fury  of  the  battle  rages  in  the  metropolis,  every  little 

town  and  village  has  a  distinct  broil,  growing  like  excrescences 

out  of  the  grand  national  altercation,  or  rather  agitating  within 

it,  like  those  complicated  pieces  of  mechanism  where  there  is  a 

---"wheel  within  a  wheel." 

C.  But  in  nothing  is  the  verbose  nature  of  this  government  more 
^evident,  than  in  its  grand  national  divan,  or  congress,  where  the 
jlaws  are  framed:  this  is  a  blustering,  windy  assembly,  where 
Jbvery  thing  is  carried  by  noise,  tumult  and  debate ;  for  thou  must 
/know,  that  the  members  of  this  assembly  do  not  meet  together  to 
Ifind  wisdom  in  the  multitude  of  counsellors,  but  to  wrangle,  call 
Bach  other  hard  names,  and  hear  themselves  talk.  When  the 
congress  opens,  the  bashaw  first  sends  them  a  long  message,  i.  e. 
a  huge  mass  of  words — vox  et  preterea  nihil,  all  meaning  nothing ; 
because  it  only  tells  them  what  they  perfectly  know  already. 
Then  the  whole  assembly  are  thrown  into  a  ferment,  and  have  a 
long  talk  about  the  quantity  of  words  that  are  to  be  returned  in 
answer  to  this  message;  and  here  arise  many  disputes  about  the 
correction  and  alteration  of  "  if  so  be's,"  and  "  how  so  ever's."  A 
month,  perhaps,  is  spent  in  thus  determining  the  precise  number 
of  words  the  answer  shall  contain ;  and  then  another,  most  pro 
bably,  in  concluding  whether  it  shall  be  carried  to  the  bashaw  on 
foot,  on  horseback,  or  in  coaches.  Having  settled  this  weighty 
matter,  they  next  fall  to  work  upon  the  message  itself,  and  hold 
as  much  chattering  over  it  as  so  many  magpies  over  an  addled 
egg.  This  done,  they  divide  the  message  into  small  portions,  arid 
deliver  them  into  the  hands  of  little  juntoes  of  talkers,  called 
committees;  these  juntoes  have  each  a  world  of  talking  about 
their  respective  paragraphs,  and  return  the  results  to  the  grand 

NOTE,    BY  WILLIAM   WIZARD,    ESQ. 

*  The  sage  Mustapha,  when  he  wrote  the  above  paragraph,  had  probably 
in  his  eye  the  following  anecdote ;  related  either  by  Linkum  Fidelius,  or 
Joscphus  Millerius,  vulgarly  called  Joe  Miller,  of  facetious  memory. 

The  captain  of  a  slave-vessel,  on  his  first  landing  on  the  coast  or  Guinea, 
observed  under  a  palm-tree,  a  negro  chief,  sitting  most  majestically  on  a 
stump ;  while  two  women,  with  wooden  spoons,  were  administering  his 
favorite  pottage  of  boiled  rice ;  which,  as  his  imperial  majesty  was  a  little 
greedy,  would  part  of  it  escape  the  place  of  destination  and  run  down  his 
chin.  The  watchful  attendants  were  particularly  careful  to  intercept  these 
scape-grace  particles,  and  return  them  to  their  proper  port  of  entry.  As 
the  captain  approached,  in  order  to  admire  this  curious  exhibition  of 
royalty,  the  great  chief  clapped  his  hands  to  his  sides,  and  saluted  his  visitor 
with  the  following  pompous  question,  "  well,  sir !  what  do  they  say  of  rne  in 
England?" 


76  SALMAGUNDI. 

divan,  which  forthwith  falls  to  and  retalks  the  matter  over  more 
earnestly  than  ever.  Now  after  all,  it  is  an  even  chance  that  the 
subject  of  this  prodigious  arguing,  quarrelling,  and  talking,  is  an 
affair  of  no  importance,  and  ends  entirely  in  smoke.  May  it  not 
then  be  said,  the  whole  nation  have  been  talking  to  no  purpose  ? 
The  people,  in  fact,  seem  to  be  somewhat  conscious  of  this  pro 
pensity  to  talk,  by  which  they  are  characterized,  and  have  a 
favorite  proverb  on  the  subject,  viz.,  "all  talk  and  no  cider ;"  this 
is  particularly  applied  when  their  congress,  or  assembly  of  all  the 
sage  chatterers  of  the  nation,  have  chattered  through  a  whole  ses 
sion,  in  a  time  of  great  peril  and  momentous  event,  and  have 
done  nothing  but  exhibit  the  length  of  their  tongues  and  the 
emptiness  of  their  heads.  This  has  been  the  case  more  than 
once,  my  friend ;  and  to  let  thee  into  a  secret,  I  have  been  told 
in  confidence,  that  there  have  been  absolutely  several  old  women 
smuggled  into  congress  from  different  parts  of  the  empire ;  who, 
having  once  got  on  the  breeches,  as  thou  mayest  well  imagine, 
have  taken  the  lead  in  debate,  and  overwhelmed  the  whole 
assembly  with  their  garrulity ;  for  my  part,  as  times  go,  I  do  not 
see  why  old  women  should  not  be  as  eligible  to  public  councils 
as  old  men  who  possess  their  dispositions ; — they  certainly  are 
eminently  possessed  of  the  qualifications  requisite  to  govern  in  a 
logocracy. 

Nothing,  as  I  have  repeatedly  insisted,  can  be  done  in  this 
country  without  talking ;  but  they  take  so  long  to  talk  over  a 
measure,  that  by  the  time  they  have  determined  upon  adopting 
it,  the  period  has  elapsed  which  was  proper  for  carrying  it  into 
effect.  Unhappy  nation !  thus  torn  to  pieces  by  intestine  talks ! 
never,  I  fear,  will  it  be  restored  to  tranquillity  and  silence. 
Words  are  but  breath ;  breath  is  but  air ;  and  air  put  into  motion 
is  nothing  but  wind.  J'bis  ^st  empire,  therefore,  mav  be  nopi^ 
pared  to  nothing  more  or  less  than  a  mighty  wmamill,  and  the 
orators,  and  the  chatterers,  and  the  slang-whangers,  are  the  breezes 
that  put  it  in  motion ;  unluckily,  however,  they  are  apt  to  blow 
different  ways,  and  their  blasts  counteracting  each  other — the 
mill  is  perplexed,  the  wheels  stand  still,  the  grist  is  unground,  and 
the  miller  and  his  family  starved. 

Everything  partakes  of  the  windy  nature  of  the  government. 
In  case  of  any  domestic  grievance,  or  an  insult  from  a  foreign  foe, 
the  people  are  all  in  a  buzz; — town-meetings  are  immediately 
held  where  the  quidnuncs  of  the  city  repair,  each  like  an  atlas, 
with  the  cares  of  the  whole  nation  upon  his  shoulders,  each  reso 
lutely  bent  upon  saving  his  country,  and  each  swelling  and 
strutting  like  a  turkey-cock;  puffed  up  with  words,  and  wind, 
and  nonsense.  After  bustling,  and  buzzing,  and  bawling  for 
some  time,  and  after  each  man  has  shown  himself  to  be  indubita 
bly  the  greatest  personage  in  the  meeting,  they  pass  a  string  of 
resolutions,  i.  e.  words,  which  were  previously  prepared  for  the 
purpose ;  these  resolutions  are  whimsically  denominated  the  sense 


SALMAGUNDI.  77 

of  tho  meeting,  and  are  sent  off  for  the  instruction  of  the  reigning 
bashaw,  who  receives  them  graciously,  puts  them  into  his  red 
breeches  pocket,  forgets  to  read  them — and  so  the  matter  ends. 

As  to  his  highness,  the  present  bashaw,  who  is  at  the  very  top 
of  the  logocracy,  never  was  a  dignitary  better  qualified  for  his 
station.  He  is  a  man  of  superlative  ventosity,  and  comparable 
to  nothing  but  a  huge  bladder  of  wind.  He  talks  of  vanquishing 
all  opposition  by  the  force  of  reason  and  philosophy :  throws  his 
gauntlet  at  all  the  nations  of  the  earth,  and  defies  them  to  meet 
him — on  the  field  of  argument ! — is  the  national  dignity  insulted, 
a  case  in  which  his  highness  of  Tripoli  would  immediately  call 

forth  his  forces; the   bashaw  of  America — utters  a  speech. 

Does  a  foreign  invader  molest  the  commerce  in  the  very  mouth  of 
the  harbors  ?  an  insult  which  would  induce  his  highness  of  Tripoli 
to  order  out  his  fleets ; — his  highness  of  America — utters  a  speech. 
Are  the  free  citizens  of  America  dragged  from  on  board  the  ves 
sels  of  their  country,  and  forcibly  detained  in  the  war  ships  of 
another  power  ? — his  highness  utters  a  speech.  Is  a  peaceable  citi 
zen  killed  by  the  marauders  of  a  foreign  power,  on  the  very  shores 
of  his  country — hjg  highness  utters  asp_eech.  Does  an  alarming 
insurrection  break  out  in  a  eTTgta tit  pTTft  of  the  empire  ? — his  high 
ness,  utters  a  speech! — nay,  more,  for  here  he  shows  his  "ener 
gies  :'' — he  most  intrepidly  dispatches  a  courier  on  horseback,  and 
orders  him  to  ride  one  hundred  and  twenty  miles  a  day,  with  a 
most  formidable  army  of  proclamations,  i.  e.  a  collection  of  words, 
packed  up  in  his  saddle-bags.  He  is  instructed  to  show  no  favor 
nor  affection ;  but  to  charge  the  thickest  ranks  of  the  enemy ;  and 
to  speechify  and  batter  by  words  the  conspiracy  and  the  conspi 
rators  out  of  existence.  Heavens,  my  friend,  what  a  deal  of 
blustering  is  here!  it  reminds  me  of  a  dunghill  cock  in  a  farm 
yard,  who,  having  accidentally  in  his  scratchings  found  a  worm, 
immediately  begins  a  most  vociferous  cackling ; — calls  around  him 
his  hen-hearted  companions,  who  run  chattering  from  all  quarters 
to  gobble  up  the  poor  little  worm  that  happened  to  turn  under 
his  eye.  Oh,  Asem  1  Asem !  on  what  a  prodigious  great  scale  is 
every  thing  in  this  country! 

Thus,  then,  I  conclude  my  observations.  The  infidel  nations 
have  each  a  separate  characteristic  trait,  by  which  they  may  be 
distinguished  from  each  other : — the  Spaniards,  for  instance,  may 
be  said  to  sleep  upon  every  affair  of  importance  ; — the  Italians  to 
fiddle  upon  everything ; — the  French  to  dance  upon  everything ; 
— the  Germans  to  smoke  upon  everything ; — the  British  islanders 
to  eat  upon  everything ; — and  the  windy  subjects  of  the  American 
logocracy  to  talk  upon  everylLing. 

For  ever  thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 


78  SALMAGUNDI. 


FROM  THE  MILL  OF  PINDAR  COCKLOFT,  ESQ. 

How  oft  in  musing  mood  my  heart  recalls, 
From  grey -beard  father  Time's  oblivious  halls, 
The  modes  and  maxims  of  my  early  day, 
Long  in  those  dark  recesses  stow'd  away : 
Drags  once  more  to  the  cheerful  realms  of  light 
Those  buckram  fashions,  long  since  lost  in  night, 
And  makes,  like  Endor's  witch,  once  more  to  rise 
My  grogram  grandames  to  my  raptured  eyes  1 

Shades  of  my  fathers !  in  your  pasteboard  skirts, 
Your  broidered  waistcoats  and  your  plaited  shirts, 
Your  formal  bag-wigs — wide-extended  cuffs, 
Your  five  inch  chitterlings  and  nine  inch  ruffs ! 
Gods  I  how  ye  strut,  at  times,  in  all  your  state, 
Amid  the  visions  of  my  thoughtful  pate  I 
I  see  ye  move  the  solemn  minuet  o'er, 
The  modest  foot  scarce  rising  from  the  floor; 
No  thundering  rigadoon  with  boisterous  prance, 
No  pigeon-wing  disturb  your  contre-danse. 
But  silent  as  the  gentle  Lethe's  tide, 
Adown  the  festive  maze  ye  peaceful  glide  ! 

Still  in  my  mental  eye  each  name  appears — 
Each  modest  beauty  of  departed  years ; 
Close  by  mamma  I  see  her  stately  march, 
Or  sit,  in  all  the  majesty  of  starch ; — 
When  for  the  dance  a  stranger  seeks  her  hand, 
I  see  her  doubting,  hesitating  stand ; 
Yield  to  his  claim  with  most  fastidious  grace, 
And  sigh  for  her  intended  in  his  place ! 

Ah  I  golden  days;  when  every  gentle  fair 
On  sacred  Sabbath  conn'd  with  pious  care 
Her  holy  bible,  or  her  prayer-book  o'er, 
Or  studied  honest  Bunyan's  drowsy  lore  ; 
TravelFd  with  him  the  PILGRIM'S  PROGRESS  through, 
And  storm'd  the  famous  town  of  MAN-SOUL  too  : — 
Beat  Eye  and  Ear-gate  up  with  thundering  jar, 
And  fought  triumphant  through  the  HOLY  WAR  ; 
Or  if,  perchance,  to  lighter  works  inclined, 
They  sought  with  novels  to  relax  the  mind, 
Twas  GRANDISON'S  politely  formal  page, 
Or  OLELIA  or  PAMELA  were  the  rage. 

No  plays  were  then — theatrics  were  unknown — 
A  learned  pig — a  dancing  monkey  shown — 
The  feats  of  Punch — a  cunning  juggler's  slight. 
Were  sure  to  fill  each  bosom  with  delight 


SALMAGUNDI.  79 

An  honest,  simple,  humdrum  race  we  were, 
Undazzled  yet  by  fashion's  wildering  glare ; 
Our  manners  unreserved,  devoid  of  guile, 
"We  knew  not  then  the  modern  monster  style  : 
Style,  that  with  pride  each  empty  bosom  swells, 
Puffs  boys  to  manhood,  little  girls  to  belles. 

Scarce  from  the  nursery  freed,  our  gentle  fair 
Are  yielded  to  the  dancing-master's  care ; 
And  e'er  the  head  one  mite  of  sense  can  gain, 
Are  introduced  'mid  folly's  fappery  train. 
A  stranger's  grasp  no  longer  gives  alarms, 
Our  fair  surrender  to  their  very  arms. 
And  in  the  insidious  waltz  (1)  will  swim  and  twine, 
And  whirl  and  languish  tenderly  divine  I 
Oh,  how  I  hate  this  loving,  hugging  dance  ; 
This  imp  of  Germany — brought  up  in  France : 
Nor  can  I  see  a  niece  its  windings  trace, 
But  all  the  honest  blood  glows  in  my  face. 

1  Sad,  sad  refinement  this,"  I  often  say, 

'  Tis  modesty  indeed  refined  away ! 

'Let  France  its  whim,  its  sparkling  wit  supply, 

'  The  easy  grace  that  captivates  the  eye ; 

'  But  curse  their  waltz — their  loose  lascivious  arts, 

'  That  smooth  our  manners,  to  corrupt  our  hearts  1  (2) 
Where  now  those  books,  from  which  in  days  of  yore 
Our  mothers  gain'd  their  literary  store  ? 
Alas !  stiff  skirted  Grandison  gives  place 
To  novels  of  a  new  and  rakish  race ; 
And  honest  Bunyau's  pious  dreaming  lore, 
To  the  lascivious  rhapsodies  of  MOORE. 
And,  last  of  all,  behold  the  mimic  stage, 
Its  morals  lend  to  polish  off  the  age, 
With  flimsy  farce,  a  comedy  miscall'd, 
Garnish'd  with  vulgar  cant,  and  proverbs  bald, 
With  puns  most  puny,  and  a  plenteous  store 
Of  smutty  jokes,  to  catch  a  gallery  roar. 
Or  see,  more  fatal,  graced  with  every  art 
To  charm  and  captivate  the  female  heart, 
The  false,  "  the  gallant,  gay  Lothario"  smiles,  (3) 
And  loudly  boasts  his  base  seductive  wiles ; — 
In  glowing  colors  paints  Calista's  wrongs, 
And  with  voluptuous  scenes  the  tale  prolongs. 
When  COOPEE  lends  his  fascinating  powers, 
Decks  vice  itself  in  bright  alluring  flowers, 
Pleased  with  his  manly  grace,  his  youthful  fire, 
Our  fair  are  lured  the  villain  to  admire  ; 
While  humbler  virtue,  like  a  stalking  horse, 
Struts  clumsily  and  croaks  in  honest  MORSE. 
Ah,  hapless  daysJ  wheii  trials  thus  combined. 


80  SALMAGUXDT. 

In  pleasing  garb  assail  the  female  mind  ; 
When  every  smooth  insidious  snare  is  spread 
To  sap  the  morals  and  delude  the  head  ! 
Not  Shadrach,  Meshach  and  Abed-nego, 
To  prove  their  faith  and  virtue  here  below, 
Could  more  an  angel's  helping  hand  require 
To  guide  their  steps  uninjured  through  the  fire, 
Where  had  but  heaven  its  guardian  aid  denied, 
The  holy  trio  in  the  proof  had  died. 
If,  then,  their  manly  vigor  sought  supplies 
From  the  bright  stranger  in  celestial  guise, 
Alas  1  can  we  from  feebler  natures  claim, 
To  brave  seduction's  ordeal,  free  from  blame ; 
To  pass  through  fire  unhurt  like  golden  ore, 
Though  ANGEL  MISSIONS  bless  the  earth  no  more  1 


NOTES,  BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,  ESQ. 

1.  Waltz.]  As  many  of  the  retired  matrons  of  this  city,  unskilled 
in  "  gestic  lore,"  are  doubtless  ignorant  of  the  movements  and  figures 
of  this  modest  exhibition,  I  will  endeavor  to  give  some  account  of  it, 
in  order  that  they  may  learn  what  odd  capers  their  daughters  some 
times  cut  when  from  under  their  guardian  wings. 

On  a  signal  being  given  by  the  music,  the  gentleman  seizes  the  lady 
round  her  waist  /  the  lady,  scorning  to  be  outdone  in  courtesy,  very 
politely  takes  the  gentleman  round  the  neck,  with  one  arm  resting 
against  his  shoulder  to  prevent  encroachments.  Away  then  they  go, 
about,  and  about,  and  about — "About  what,  sir?" — about  the  room, 
madam,  to  be  sure.  1 he  whole  economy  of  this  dance  consists  in 
turning  round  and  round  the  room  in  a  certain  measured  step :  and 
it  is  truly  astonishing  that  this  continued  revolution  does  not  set  all 
their  heads  swimming  like  a  top ;  but  I  have  been  positively  assured 
that  it  only  occasions  a  gentle  sensation  which  is  marvellously  agree- 
abk.  In  the  course  of  this  circumnavigation,  the  dancers,  in  order 
to  give  the  charm  of  variety,  are  continually  changing  their  relative 
situations ; — now  the  gentleman,  meaning  no  harm  in  the  world.  I 
assure  you,  madam,  carelessly  flings  his  arm  about  the  lady's  neck, 
with  an  air  of  celestial  impudence  /  and  anon,  the  lady,  meaning  as 
little  harm  as  the  gentleman,  takes  him  round  the  waist  with  most 
ingenuous  modest  languishment,  to  the  great  delight  of  numerous  spec 
tators  and  amateurs,  who  generally  form  a  ring,  as  the  mob  do  about 
a  pair  of  amazons  pulling  caps,  or  a  couple  of  fighting  mastiffs. 

After  continuing  this  divine  interchange  of  hands,  arms,  et  cetera, 
for  half  an  hour  or  so,  the  lady  begins  to  tire,  and  with  "  eyes  up- 


SALMAGUNDI.  81 

raised"  in  most  bewitching  languor  petitions  her  partner  for  a  little 
more  support.  This  is  always  given  without  hesitation.  The  lady 
leans  gently  on  his  shoulder,  their  arms  entwine  in  a  thousand  seduc 
ing  mischievous  curves — dortt  be  alarmed,  madam — closer  and 
closer  they  approach  each  other,  and  in  conclusion,  the  parties  being 
overcome  with  extatic  fatigue,  the  lady  seems  almost  sinking  into  the 
gentleman's  arms,  and  then — "  Well,  sir  !  and  what  then  ?" — Lord, 
madam,  how  should  Jtknow  ? 

•  2.]  My  friend  Pindar,  and,  in  fact,  our  whole  junto,  has  been  ac 
cused  of  an  unreasonable  hostility  to  the  French  nation  ',  and  I  am 
informed  by  a  Parisian  correspondent,  that  our  first  number  played 
the  very  devil  in  the  court  of  St.  Cloud.  His  imperial  majesty  got 
into  a  most  outrageous  passion,  and  being  withal  a  waspish  little 
gentleman,  had  nearly  kicked  his  bosom  friend,  Talleyrand,  out  of 
the  cabinet,  in  the  paroxysms  of  his  wrath.  He  insisted  upon  it  that 
the  nation  was  assailed  in  its  most  vital  part,  being,  like  Achilles, 
extremely  sensitive  to  any  attacks  upon  the  heel.  When  my  corre 
spondent  sent  off  his  despatches,  it  was  still  in  doubt  what  measures 
would  be  adopted ;  but  it  ivas  strongly  suspected  that  vehement  repre 
sentations  would  be  made  to  our  government.  Willing,  therefore,  to 
save  our  executive  from  any  embarrassment  on  the  subject,  and  above 
all,  from  the  disagreeable  alternative  of  sending  an  apology  by  the 
HORNET,  we  do  assure  Mr.  Jefferson,  that  there  is  nothing  further 
from  our  thoughts  than  the  subversion  of  the  Gallic  empire,  or  any 
attack  on  the  interests,  tranquillity,  or  reputation  of  the  nation  at 
large,  which  we  seriously  declare  possesses  the  highest  rank  in  our 
estimation.  Nothing  less  than  the  national  welfare  could  have  in 
duced  us  to  trouble  ourselves  with  this  explanation ;  and  in  the  name 
of  the  junto,  I  once  more  declare,  that  when  we  toast  a  Frenchman, 
we  merely  mean  one  of  these  inconnus,  who  swarmed  to  this  country 
from  the  kitchens  and  barbers'  shops  of  Nantz,  Bordeaux,  and  Mar 
seilles  i — played  game  of  leap-frog  at  all  our  balls  and  assemblies ; — 
set  this  unhappy  town  flopping  mad ; — and  passed  themselves  off  on 
our  tender-hearted  damsels  for  unfortunate  noblemen — ruined  in  the 
revolution!  Such  only  can  wince  at  the  lash,  and  accuse  us  of  seve 
rity  ;  and  we  should  be  mortified  in  the  extreme  if  they  did  not  feel 
our  well-intended  castigation. 

3.  Fair  Penitent.]  The  story  of  this  play,  if  told  in  its  native 
language,  would  exhibit  a  scene  of  guilt  and  shame,  which  no  modest 
ear  could  listen  to  without  shrinking  with  disgust ;  but,  arrayed  as 
it  is,  in  all  the  splendor  of  harmonious,  rich,  and  polished  verse,  it 
steals  into  the  heart  like  some  gay,  luxurious,  smooth-faced  villain, 
and  betrays  it  insensibly  to  immorality  and  vice  ;  our  very  sympa 
thy  is  enlisted  on  the  side  of  guilt;  and  the  piety  of  Altamont,  and 
Uie  gentleness  of  Lavinia,  are  lost  in  the  splendid  debaucheries  of  the 
li  gallant,  gay  Lothario,"  and  the  blustering,  hollow  repentance  of  the 
fair  Calista,  whose  sorrow  reminds  us  of  that  of  Pope's  Heloise — "7 
mourn  the  lover,  not  lament  the  fault.11  Nothing  is  more  easy  than 
to  banish  such  plays  from  our  stage.  Were  our  ladies,  instead  of 


SALMAGUNDI. 

to  see  tfiem  again  and  again  repeated,  to  discourage  their 
exhibition  by  absence,  the  stage  would  soon  be  indeed  the  school  of 
morality,  and  the  number  of  " Fair  Penitents"  in  all  probability, 
diminish. 


SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  VIII.— SATURDAY,  APRIL   18    1807. 

BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

"In  all  thy  humors,  whether  grave  or  mellow, 
Thou'rt  such  a  touchy,  testy,  pleasant  fellow ; 
Hast  so  much  wit,  and  mirth,  and  spleen  about  thee, 
There  is  no  living  with  thee — nor  without  thee." 

"  NEVER,  in  the  memory  of  the  oldest  inhabitant,  has  there  been 
known  a  more  backward  spring."  This  is  the  universal  remark 
among  the  almanac  quidnuncs,  and  weather-wiseacres  of  the 
day ;  and  I  have  heard  it  at  least  fifty-five  times  from  old  Mrs. 
Cockloft,  who,  poor  woman,  is  one  of  those  walking  almanacs  that 
foretell  every  snow,  rain,  or  frost,  by  the  shooting  of  corns,  a  pain 
in  the  bones,  or  an  "  ugly  stitch  in  the  side."  I  do  not  recollect, 
in  the  whole  course  of  my  life,  to  have  seen  the  month  of  March 
indulge  in  such  untoward  capers,  caprices,  and  coquetries,  as  it 
has  done  this  year:  I  might  have  forgiven  these  vagaries,  had 
they  not  completely  knocked  up  my  friend  Langstaff;  whoso 
feelings  are  ever  at  the  mercy  of  a  weathercock,  whose  spirits 
sink  and  rise  with  the  mercury  of  a  barometer,  and  to  whom  an 
east  wind  is  as  obnoxious  as  a  Sicilian  sirocco.  He  was  tempted 
some  time  since,  by  the  fineness  of  the  weather,  to  dress  himself 
with  more  than  ordinary  care,  and  take  his  morning  stroll ;  but 
before  he  had  half  finished  his  peregrination,  he  was  utterly  dis 
comfited,  and  driven  home  by  a  tremendous  squall  of  wind,  hail, 
rain,  and  snow,  or,  as  he  testily  termed  it,  "a  most  villanous con 
gregation  of  vapors." 

This  was  too  much  for  the  patience  of  friend  Launcelot ;  he 
declared  he  would  humor  the  weather  no  longer  in  its  whim- 
whams  ;  and,  according  to  his  immemorial  custom  on  these  occa 
sions,  retreated  in  high  dudgeon  to  his  elbow-chair  to  lie  in  of  the 
spleen  and  rail  at  nature  for  being  so  fantastical : — "  confound  the 
jade,"  he  frequently  exclaims,  "  what  a  pity  nature  had  not  been 
of  the  masculine  instead  of  the  feminine  gender;  the  almanac 
makers  might  then  have  calculated  with  some  degree  of  certainty." 

When  Langstaff  invests  himself  with  the  spleen,  and  gives 
audience  to  the  blue  devils  from  his  elbow-chair,  I  would  not  ad 
vise  any  of  his  friends  to  come  within  gunshot  of  his  citadel  with 
the  benevolent  purpose  of  administering  consolation  or  amuse 
ment  for  he  is  then  as  crusty  and  crabbed  as  that  famous  coiner 


84  SALMAGUNDI. 

of  false  money  Dfogenes  himself.  Indeed  his  room  is  at  such  times 
inaccessible ;  and  old  Pompey  is  the  only  soul  that  can  gain 
admission,  or  ask  a  question  with  impunity ;  the  truth  is,  that  on 
these  occasions  there  is  not  a  straw's  difference  between  them, 
for  Pompey  is  as  grum  and  grim  and  cynical  as  his  master. 

Launcelot  has  now  been  above  three  weeks  in  this  desolate 
situation,  and  has,  therefore,  had  but  little  to  do  in  our  last  num 
ber.  As  he  could  not  be  prevailed  on  to  give  any  account  of  him 
self  in  our  introduction,  I  will  take  the  opportunity  of  his  confine 
ment,  while  his  back  is  turned,  to  give  a  slight  sketch  of  his  cha 
racter  ; — fertile  in  whim-whams  and  bachelorisms,  but  rich  in  many 
of  the  sterling  qualities  of  our  nature.  Annexed  to  this  article, 
our  readers  will  perceive  a  striking  likeness  of  my  friend  which 
was  taken  by  that  cunning  rogue  Will  Wizard,  who  peeped 
through  the  key-hole  and  sketched  it  off,  as  honest  Launcelot  sat 
by  the  fire,  wrapped  up  in  his  flannel  robe  de  chambre,  and  indulg 
ing  in  a  mortal  fit  of  the  hyp.  Now  take  my  word  for  it,  gentle 
reader,  this  is  the  most  auspicious  moment  in  which  to  touch  off 
the  phiz  of  a  genuine  humorist. 

Of  the  antiquity  of  the  Langstaff  family  I  can  say  but  little ; 
except  that  I  have  no  doubt  it  is  equal  to  that  of  most  families 
who  have  the  privilege  of  making  their  own  pedigree,  without  the 
impertinent  interposition  of  a  college  of  Heralds.  My  friend 
Launcelot  is  not  a  man  to  blazon  anything ;  but  I  have  heard  him 
talk  with  great  complacency  of  his  ancestor,  Sir  ROWLAND,  who 
was  a  dashing  buck  in  the  days  of  Hardiknute,  and  broke  the 
head  of  a  gigantic  Dane,  at  a  game  of  quarter-staff,  in  presence  of 
the  whole  court.  In  memory  of  this  gallant  exploit,  Sir  Rowland 
was  permitted  to  take  the  name  of  Langstoffe,  and  to  assume  as  a 
crest  to  his  arms,  a  hand  grasping  a  cudgel.  It  is,  however,  a 
foible  so  ridiculously  common  in  this  country  for  people  to  claim 
consanguinity  with  all  the  great  personages  of  their  own  name  in 
Europe,  that  I  should  put  but  little  faith  in  this  family  boast  of 
friend  Langstaff,  did  I  not  know  him  to  be  a  man  of  most  unques 
tionable  veracity. 

The  whole  world  knows  already  that  my  friend  is  a  bachelor  ; 
for  he  is,  or  pretends  to  be,  exceedingly  proud  of  his  personal  in 
dependence,  and  takes  care  to  make  it  known  in  all  companies 
where  strangers  are  present.  He  is  for  ever  vaunting  the  pre 
cious  state  of  "single  blessedness,"  and  was,  not  long  ago,  con 
siderably  startled  at  a  proposition  of  one  of  his  great  favorites, 
Miss  Sophy  Sparkle,  "that  old  bachelors  should  be  taxed  as 
luxuries."  Launcelot  immediately  hied  him  home  and  wrote  a 
tremendous  long  representation  in  their  behalf,  which  I  am  resolved 
to  publish  if  it  is  ever  attempted  to  carry  the  measure  into  opera 
tion.  Whether  he  is  sincere  in  these  professions,  or  whether  his 
present  situation  is  owing  to  choice  or  disappointment,  he  only 
can  tell ;  but  if  he  ever  does  tell,  I  will  suffer  myself  to  be  shot 
by  the  first  lady's  eye  that  can  twang  an  arrow.  In  his  youth  he 


SALMAGUNDI.  85 

was  for  ever  in  love ;  but  it  was  his  misfortune  to  be  continually 
crossed  and  rivalled  by  his  bosom  friend  and  contemporary  beau, 
Pindar  Cockloft,  Esq.,  for  as  Langstaff  never  made  a  confidant  on 
these  occasions,  his  friend  never  knew  which  way  his  affections 
pointed ;  and  so,  between  them  both,  the  lady  generally  slipped 
through  their  fingers. 

It  has  ever  been  the  misfortune  of  Launcelot,  that  he  could  not 
for  the  soul  of  him  restrain  a  good  thing ;  and  this  fatality  has 
drawn  upon  him  the  ill-will  of  many  whom  he  would  not  have 
otlbnded  for  the  world.  With  the  kindest  heart  under  heaven, 
and  the  most  benevolent  disposition  towards  every  being  around 
him,  he  has  been  continually  betrayed  by  the  mischievous  viva 
city  of  his  fancy,  and  the  good-humored  waggery  of  his  feelings, 
into  satirical  sallies  which  have  been  treasured  up  by  the  invidi 
ous,  and  retailed  out  with  the  bitter  sneer  of  malevolence,  instead 
of  the  playful  hilarity  of  countenance  which  originally  sweetened 
and  tempered  and  disarmed  them  of  their  sting.  These  misre 
presentations  have  gained  him  many  reproaches  and  lost  him 
many  a  friend. 

This  unlucky  characteristic  played  the  mischief  with  him  in  one 
of  his  love  affairs.  He  was,  as  I  have  before  observed,  often  op 
posed  in  his  gallantries  by  that  formidable  rival,  Pindar  Cockloft, 
Esq.,  and  a  most  formidable  rival  he  was ;  for  he  had  Apollo,  the 
nine  muses,  together  with  all  the  joint  tenants  of  Olympus  to 
back  him ;  and  every  body  knows  what  important  confederates 
they  are  to  a  lover.  Poor  Launcelot  stood  no  chance ;  the  lady 
was  cooped  up  in  the  poet's  corner  of  every  weekly  paper ;  and 
it  length  Pindar  attacked  her  with  a  sonnet,  that  took  up  a 
vrhole  column,  in  which  he  enumerated  at  least  a  dozen  cardinal 
virtues,  together  with  innumerable  others  of  inferior  consideration. 
Launcelot  saw  his  case  was  desperate,  and  that  unless  he  sat 
down  forthwith,  be-cherubirned  and  be-angeled  her  to  the  skies, 
and  put  every  virtue  under  the  sun  in  requisition,  he  might  as 
well  go  hang  himself,  and  so  make  an  end  of  the  business.  At 
it,  therefore,  he  went ;  and  was  going  on  very  swimmingly,  for 
in  the  space  of  a  dozen  lines  he  had  enlisted  under  her  command 
at  least  three  score  and  ten  substantial  house-keeping  virtues, 
when  unluckily  for  Launcelot's  reputation  as  a  poet  and  the  lady's 
as  a  saint,  one  of  those  confounded  good  thoughts  struck  his 
laughter-loving  brain — it  was  irresistible  ;  away  he  went,  full 
sweep  before  the  wind,  cutting  and  slashing,  and  tickled  to  death 
with  his  own  fun :  the  consequence  was,  that  by  the  time  he  had 
finished,  never  was  poor  lady  so  most  ludicrously  lampooned 
since  lampooning  came  into  fashion.  But  this  was  not  half;  so 
hugely  was  Launcelot  pleased  with  this  frolic  of  his  wits,  that 
nothing  would  do  but  he  must  show  it  to  the  lady,  who,  as  well 
she  might,  was  mortally  offended,  and  forbid  him  her  presence. 
My  friend  was  in  despair,  but,  through  the  interference  of  his 
generous  rival,  was  permitted  to  make  his  apology,  which,  how- 


86  SALMAGUXDI. 

ever,  most  unluckily  happened  to  be  rather  worse  than  the  ori 
ginal  offence ;  for  though  he  had  studied  an  eloquent  compliment, 
yet  as  ill-luck  would  have  it,  a  most  preposterous  whim-wham 
knocked  at  his  pericranium,  and  inspired  him  to  say  some  con 
summate  good  things,  which,  all  put  together,  amounted  to  a 
downright  hoax,  and  provoked  the  lady's  wrath  to  such  a  degree, 
that  sentence  of  eternal  banishment  was  awarded  against  him. 

Launcelot  was  inconsolable,  and  determined  in  the  true  style 
of  novel  heroics  to  make  the  tour  of  Europe,  and  endeavor  to 
lose  the  recollection  of  this  misfortune  amongst  the  gaieties  of 
France,  and  the  classic  charms  of  Italy ;  he  accordingly  took  pas 
sage  in  a  vessel,  and  pursued  his  voyage  prosperously  as  far  as 
Sandy-Hook,  where  he  was  seized  with  a  violent  fit  of  sea-sick 
ness  ;  at  which  he  was  so  affronted  that  he  put  his  portmanteau 
into  the  first  pilot-boat,  and  returned  to  town  completely  cured 
of  his  love  and  his  rage  for  travelling. 

I  pass  over  the  subsequent  amours  of  my  friend  Langstaff, 
being  but  little  acquainted  with  them ;  for,  as  I  have  already 
mentioned,  he  never  was  known  to  make  a  confidant  of  any 
body.  He  always  affirmed  a  man  must  be  a  fool  to  fall  in  love, 
but  an  idiot  to  boast  of  it ;  ever  denominated  it  the  villanous  pas 
sion  ;  lamented  that  it  could  not  be  cudgelled  out  of  the  human 
heart ;  and  yet  could  no  more  live  without  being  in  love  with 
somebody  or  other  than  he  could  without  whim-whams. 

My  friend  Launcelot  is  a  man  of  excessive  irritability  of  nerve, 
and  I  am  acquainted  with  no  one  so  susceptible  of  the  petty 
"miseries  of  human  life;"  yet  its  keener  evils  and  misfortunes  he 
l;ears  without  shrinking,  and  however  they  may  prey  in  secret  on 
his  happiness,  he  never  complains.  This  was  strikingly  evinced 
in  an  affair  where  his  heart  was  deeply  and  irrevocably  concerned, 
and  in  which  his  success  was  ruined  by  one  for  whom  he  had 
long  cherished  a  warm  friendship.  The  circumstance  cut  poor 
Langstaff  to  the  very  soul;  he  was  not  seen  in  company  for 
months  afterwards,  and  for  a  long  time  he  seemed  to  retire  within 
himself,  and  battle  with  the  poignancy  of  his  feelings ;  but  not  a 
murmur  or  a  reproach  was  heard  to  fall  from  his  lips,  though,  at 
the  mention  of  his  friend's  name,  a  shade  of  melancholy  might  be 
observed  stealing  across  his  face,  and  his  voice  assumed  a  touching 
tone,  that  seemed  to  say,  he  remembered  his  treachery  "  more  in 
sorrow  than  in  anger."  This  affair  has  given  a  slight  tinge  of 
sadness  to  his  disposition,  which,  however,  does  not  prevent  his 
entering  into  the  amusements  of  the  world;  the  only  effect  it 
occasions,  is  that  you  may  occasionally  observe  him,  at  the  end 
of  a  lively  conversation,  sink  for  a  few  minutes  into  an  apparent 
forgetfulness  of  surrounding  objects,  during  which  time  he  seems 
to  be  indulging  in  some  melancholy  retrospection. 

Langstaff  inherited  from  his  father  a  love  of  literature,  a  dis 
position  for  castle  building,  a  mortal  enmity  to  noise,  a  sovereign 
antipathy  to  cold  weather  and  brooms,  and  a  plentiful  stock  of 


SALMAGUNDI.  87 

whim-whams.  Prom  the  delicacy  of  his  nerves  he  is  peculiarly 
sensible  to  discordant  sounds;  the  rattling  of  a  wheelbarrow  is 
"horrible;"  the  noise  of  children  "drives  him  distracted;"  and 
lie  once  left  excellent  lodgings  merely  because  the  lady  of  the 
house  wore  high-heeled  shoes,  in  which  she  clattered  up  and 
down  stairs,  till,  to  use  his  own  emphatic  expression,  "  they  made 
life  loathsome"  to  him.  He  suffers  annual  martyrdom  from  the 
razor-edged  zephyrs  of  our  "  balmy  spring,"  and  solemnly  declares 
that  the  boasted  month  of  May  has  become  a  perfect  "vagabond." 
As  some  people  have  a  great  antipathy  to  cats,  and  can  tell  when 
one  is  locked  up  in  a  closet,  so  Launcelot  declares  his  feelings 
always  announce  to  him  the  neighborhood  of  a  broom;  a 
household  implement  which  he  abominates  above  all  others. 
Nor  is  there  any  living  animal  in  the  world  thai  he  holds  in  more 
utter  abhorrence  than  what  is  usually  termed  a  notable  house 
wife  ;  a  pestilent  being,  who,  he  protests,  is  the  bane  of  good 
fellowship,  and  has  a  heavy  charge  to  answer  for  the  many 
offences  committed  against  the  ease,  comfort,  and  social  enjoyments 
of  sovereign  man.  He  told  me,  not  long  ago,  "  that  he  had 
rather  see  one  of  the  weird  sisters  flourish  through  his  key-hole 
on  a  broomstick,  than  one  of  the  servant  maids  enter  the  door 
with  a  besom." 

My  friend  Launcelot  is  ardent  and  sincere  in  his  attachments, 
which  are  confined  to  a  chosen  few,  in  whose  society  he  loves  to 
give  free  scope  to  his  whimsical  imagination;  he,  however, 
mingles  freely  with  the  world,  though  more  as  a  spectator  than 
an  actor ;  and  without  an  anxiety,  or  hardly  a  care  to  please,  is 
generally  received  with  welcome  and  listened  to  with  complacency. 
When  he  extends  his  hand  it  is  in  a  free,  open,  liberal  style ;  and 
when  you  shake  it,  you  feel  his  honest  heart  throb  in  its  pulsa 
tions.  Though  rather  fond  of  gay  exhibitions,  he  does  not  appear 
go  frequently  at  balls  and  assemblies  since  the  introduction  of 
the  drum,  trumpet,  and  tamborin ;  all  of  which  he  abhors  on 
account  of  the  rude  attacks  they  make  on  his  organs  of  hearing : 
— in  short,  such  is  his  antipathy  to  noise,  that  though  exceedingly 
patriotic,  yet  he  retreats  every  fourth  of  July  to  Cockloft  Hall  in 
order  to  get  out  of  the  way  of  the  hubbub  and  confusion  which 
make  so  considerable  a  part  of  the  pleasure  of  that  splendid 
anniversary. 

I  intend  this  article  as  a  mere  sketch  of  Langstaff  s  multifarious 
character;  his  innumerable  whim-whamg  will  be  exhibited  by 
himself,  in  the  course  of  this  work,  in  all  their  strange  varieties ; 
and  the  machinery  of  his  mind,  more  intricate  than  the  most 
subtile  piece  of  clock-work,  be  fully  explained.  And  trust  me, 
gentlefolk,  his  are  the  whim- whams  of  a  courteous  gentleman  full 
of  most  excellent  qualities;  honorable  in  his  disposition,  inde 
pendent  in  his  sentiments,  and  of  unbounded  good  nature,  as 
may  be  seen  through  all  his  works. 


88  SALMAGUNDI. 

ON"  STYLE. 

BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,  ESQ. 

STYLE,  a  manner  of  writing ;  title;  pin  of  a  dial;  the  pistil  of  plants. 

JOHNSON. 

STYLE,  is style.  LINKUM  FIDELIUS. 

Now  I  would  not  give  a  straw  for  either  of  the  above  defini 
tions,  though  I  think  the  latter  is  by  far  the  most  satisfactory : 
and  I  do  wish  sincerely  every  modern  numskull,  who  takes  hold 
of  a  subject  he  knows  nothing  about,  would  adopt  honest  Lin- 
kum's  mode  of  explanation.  Blair's  Lectures  on  this  article  have 
not  thrown  a  whit  more  light  on  the  subject  of  my  inquiries; — 
they  puzzled  me  just  as  much  as  did  the  learned  and  laborious 
expositions  and  illustrations  of  the  worthy  professor  of  our  col 
lege,  in  the  middle  of  which  I  generally  had  the  ill  luck  to  fall 
asleep. 

This  same  word  style,  though  but  a  diminutive  word,  assumes 
to  itself  more  contradictions,  and  significations,  and  eccentricities, 
than  any  monosyllable  in  the  language  is  legitimately  entitled  to. 
It  is  an  arrant  little  humorist  of  a  word,  and  full  of  whim- whams, 
which  occasions  me  to  like  it  hugely ;  but  it  puzzled  me  most 
wickedly  on  my  first  return  from  a  long  residence  abroad,  having 
crept  into  fashionable  use  during  my  absence ;  and  had  it  not 
been  for  friend  Evergreen,  and  that  thrifty  sprig  of  knowledge, 
Jeremy  Cockloft  the  younger,  I  should  have  remained  to  this  day 
ignorant  of  its  meaning. 

Though  it  would  seem  that  the  people  of  all  countries  are 
equally  vehement  in  the  pursuit  of  this  phantom,  style,  yet  in  al 
most  all  of  them  there  is  a  strange  diversity  in  opinion  as  to  what 
constitutes  its  essence ;  and  every  different  class,  like  the  pagan 
nations,  adore  it  under  a  different  form.  In  England,  for  instance, 
an  honest  cit  packs  up  himself,  his  family  and  his  style,  in  a  buggy 
or  tim  whisky,  and  rattles  away  on  Sunday  with  his  fair  partner 
blooming  beside  him,  like  an  eastern  bride,  and  two  chubby 
children,  squatting  like  Chinese  images  at  his  feet.  A  Baronet 
requires  a  chariot  and  pair : — a  Lord  must  needs  have  a  barouche 
and  four ; — but  a  Duke — oh  1  a  Duke  cannot  possibly  lumber  his 
style  along  under  a  coach  and  six,  and  half  a  score  of  footmen 
into  the  bargain.  In  China  a  puissant  Mandarin  loads  at  least 
three  elephants  with  style ;  and  an  overgrown  sheep  at  the  Cape 
of  Good  Hope,  trails  along  his  tail  and  his  style  on  a  wheelbarrow. 
InJEgypk  or  at  Constantinople,  style  consists  in  the  quantity  of 
fur  and  fine  clothes,  a  lady  can  put  on  without  clanger  of  suffoca- 


SALMAGUNDI.  89 

tion ;  here  it  is  otherwise,  and  consists  in  the  quantity  she  can 
put  off  without  the  risk  of  freezing.  A  Chinese  lady  is  thought 
prodigal  of  her  charms  if  she  expose  the  tip  of  her  nose,  or  the 


put  oil'  without  the  risk  of  freezing.  A  Chinese  lady  is  thought 
prodigal  of  her  charms  if  she  expose  the  tip  of  her  nose,  or  the 
ends  of  her  fingers,  to  the  ardent  gaze  of  by-standers :  and  I 


recollect  that  all  Canton  was  in  a  buzz  in  consequence  of  the  great 
belle,  Miss  Nangfous,  peeping  out  of  window  with  her  face  unco 
vered!  Here  the  style  is  to  show  not  only  the  face,  but  the  neck, 
shoulders,  &c. ;  and  a  lady  never  presumes  to  hide  them  except 
when  she  is  not  at  home,  and  not  sufficiently  undressed  to  see 
company. 

"  'This  style  has  ruined  the  peace  and  harmony  of  many  a  worthy 
household ;  for  no  sooner  do  they  set  up  for  style,  but  instantly 
all  the  honest  old  comfortable  sans  ceremonie  furniture  is  discarded ; 
and  you  stalk  cautiously  about,  amongst  the  uncomfortable  splen 
dor  of  Grecian  chairs,  Egyptian  tables,  Turkey  carpets,  and  Etrus 
can  vases.  This  vast  improvement  in  furniture  demands  an  in 
crease  in  the  domestic  establishment;  and  a  family  that  once 
required  two  or  three  servants  for  convenience,  now  employs  half 
a  dozen  for  style. 

BELL-BRAZEX,  late  favorite  of  my  unfortunate  friend  Dessalines, 
was  one  of  these  patterns  of  style ;  and  whatever  freak  she  was 
seized  with,  however  preposterous,  was  implicitly  followed  by  all 
who  would  be  considered  as  admitted  in  the  stylish  arcana.  She 
wras  once  seized  with  a  whim-wham  that  tickled  the  whole  court. 
She  could  not  lay  down  to  take  an  afternoon's  loll,  but  she  must 
have  one  servant  to  scratch  her  head,  two  to  tickle  her  feet,  and 
a  fourth  to  fan  her  delectable  person  while  she  slumbered.  The 
thing  took, — it  became  the  rage,  and  not  a  sable  belle  in  all  Hayti 
but  what  insisted  upon  being  fanned,  and  scratched,  and  tickled 
in  the  true  imperial  style.  Sneer  not  at  this  picture,  my  most 
excellent  townswomen,  for  who  among  you  but  are  daily  follow 
ing  fashions  equally  absurd ! 

Style,  according  to  Evergreen's  account,  consists  in  certain 
fashions,  or  certain  eccentricities,  or  certain  manners  of  certain 
people,  in  certain  situations,  and  possessed  of  a  certain  share  of 
fashion  or  importance.  A  red  cloak,  for  instance,  on  the  shoul 
ders  of  an  old  market-woman  is  regarded  with  contempt:  it  is 
vulgar,  it  is  odious: — fling,  however,  its  usurping  rival,  a  red 
shawl,  over  the  fine  figure  of  a  fashionable  belle,  and  let  her 
flame  away  with  it  in  Broadway,  or  in  a  ball-room,  and  it  is  im 
mediately  declared  to  be  the  style. 

The  modes  of  attaining  this  certain  situation,  which  entitle  its 
holder  to  style,  are  various  and  opposite :  the  most  ostensible  is 
the  attainment  of  wealth,  the  possession  of  which  changes  at 
once  the  pert  airs  of  vulgar  ignorance  into  fashionable  ease  and 
elegant  vivacity.  It  is  highly  amusing  to  observe  the  gradation 
of  a  family  aspiring  to  style,  and  the  devious  windings  they 
pursue  in  order  to  attain  it.  While  beating  up  against  wind  nnd 
tide,  the v  are  the  most  complaisant  beings  in  the  world; — they 


90  SALMAGUNDI. 

keep  "booing  aund  booing,"  as  M 'Sycophant  says,  until  you  would 
suppose  them  incapable  of  standing  upright;  they  kiss  their  hands 
to  every  body  who  has  the  least  claim  to  style ;  their  familiarity 
is  intolerable,  and  they  absolutely  overwhelm  you  with  their 
friendship  and  loving  kindness.  But  having  once  gained  the 
envied  pre-eminence,  never  were  beings  in  the  world  more 
changed.  They  assume  the  most  intolerable  caprices:  at  one 
time,  address  you  with  importunate  sociability ;  at  another,  pass 
you  by  with  silent  indifference  ;  sometimes  sit  up  in  their  chairs 
in  all  the  majesty  of  dignified  silence ;  and  at  another  time  bounce 
about  with  all  the  obstreperous  ill-bred  noise  of  a  little  hoyden 
just  broke  loose  from  a  boarding-school. 

Another  feature  which  distinguishes  these  new-made  fashion 
ables,  is  the  inveteracy  with  which  they  look  down  upon  the 
honest  people  who  are  struggling  to  climb  up  to  the  same  envied 
height.  They  never  fail  to  salute  them  with  the  most  sarcastic 
reflections ;  and  like  so  many  worthy  hodmen,  clambering  a  lad 
der,  each  one  looks  down  upon  his  next  neighbor  below,  and 
makes  no  scruple  of  shaking  the  dust  off'  his  shoes  into  his  eyes. 
Thus  by  dint  of  perseverance,  merely,  they  come  to  be  considered 
as  established  denizens  of  the  great  world ;  as  in  some  barbarous 
nations  an  oyster  shell  is  of  sterling  value,  and  a  copper  washed 
counter  will  pass  current  for  genuine  gold. 

In  no  instance  have  I  seen  this  grasping  after  style  more  whim 
sically  exhibited,  than  in  the  family  of  my  old  acquaintance, 
TIMOTHY  GTBLET.  I  recollect  old  Giblet  when  I  was  a  boy,  and 
he  was  the  most  surly  curmudgeon  I  ever  knew.  He  was  a  per 
fect  scare-crow  to  the  small-fry  of  the  day,  and  inherited  the 
hatred  of  all  these  unlucky  little  shavers:  for  never  could  we 
assemble  about  his  door  of  an  evening  to  play,  and  make  a  little 
hubbub,  but  out  he  sallied  from  his  nest  like  a  spider,  flourished 
his  formidable  horse-whip,  and  dispersed  the  whole  crew  in  the 
twinkling  of  a  lamp.  I  perfectly  remember  a  bill  he  sent  in  to 
my  father  for  a  pane  of  glass  I  had  accidentally  broken,  which 
came  well  nigh  getting  me  a  sound  flogging ;  and  I  remember  as 
perfectly  that  the  next  night  I  revenged  myself  by  breaking  half 
a  dozen. 

Giblet  was  as  arrant  a  grub  worm  as  ever  crawled;  and  the 
only  rules  of  right  and  wrong  he  cared  a  button  for,  were  the 
rules  of  multiplication  and  addition,  which  he  practised  much  more 
successfully  than  he  did  any  of  the  rules  of  religion  or  morality. 
He  used  to  declare  they  were  the  true  golden  rules ;  and  he  took 
special  care  to  put  Cocker's  arithmetic  in  the  hands  of  his  child 
ren,  before  they  had  read  ten  pages  in  the  Bible  or  the  Prayer- 
book.  The  practice  of  these  favorite  maxims  was  at  length 
crowned  with  the  harvest  of  success;  and  after  a  life  of  self- 
denial  and  starvation,  and  after  enduring  all  the  pounds,  shillings, 
and  pence  miseries  of  a  miser,  he  had  the  satisfaction  of  seeing 
himself  worth  a  plum,  and  of  dying  just  as  he  had  determined  to 


SALMAGUNDI.  91 

enjoy  the  remainder  of  his  days  in  contemplating  his  great  wealth 
and  accumulating  mortgages. 

His  children  inherited  his  money ;  but  they  buried  the  dispo 
sition,  and  every  other  memorial  of  their  father  in  his  grave. 
Fired  with  a  noble  thirst  for  style,  they  instantly  emerged  from 
the  retired  lane  in  which  themselves  and  their  accomplishments 
had  hitherto  been  buried ;  and  they  blazed,  and  they  whizzed,  and 
they  cracked  about  town,  like  a  nest  of  squibs  and  devils  in  a 
firework.  I  can  liken  their  sudden  eclat  to  nothing  but  that  of 
the  locust,  which  is  hatched  in  the  dust,  where  it  increases  and 
swells  up  to  maturity,  and  after  feeling  for  a  moment  the  vivifying 
rays  of  the  sun,  bursts  forth  a  mighty  insect,  and  Mutters,  and 
rattles,  and  buzzes  from  every  tree.  The  little  warblers  who  have 
long  cheered  the  woodlands  with  their  dulcet  notes,  are  stun 
ned  by  the  discordant  racket  of  these  upstart  intruders,  and 
contemplate,  in  contemptuous  silence,  their  tinsel  and  their 
noise. 

Having  once  started,  the  Giblets  were  determined  that  nothing 
should  stop  them  in  their  career,  until  they  had  run  their  full 
course,  and  arrived  at  the  very  tiptop  of  style.  Every  taylor, 
every  shoemaker,  every  coachmaker,  every  milliner,  every  mantua- 
maker,  every  paper-hanger,  every  piano  teacher,  and  every 
dancing  master  in  the  city,  were  enlisted  in  their  service ;  and 
the  willing  wights  most  courteously  answered  their  call ;  and  fell 
to  work  to  build  up  the  fame  of  the  Giblets,  as  they  had  done 
that  of  many  an  aspiring  family  before  them.  In  a  little  time  the 
young  ladies  could  dance  the  waltz,  thunder  Lodoiska,  murder 
French,  kill  time,  and  commit  violence  on  the  face  of  nature  in  a 
landscape  in  water-colors,  equal  to  the  best  lady  in  the  land;  and 
the  young  gentlemen  were  seen  lounging  at  corners  of  streets,  and 
driving  tandem;  heard  talking  loud  at  the  theatre,  and  laughing 
in  church,  with  as  much  ease,  and  grace,  and  modesty,  as  if  they 
had  been  gentlemen  all  the  days  of  their  lives. 

And  the  Giblets  arrayed  themselves  in  scarlet,  and  in  fine 
linen,  and  seated  themselves  in  high  places ;  but  nobody  noticed 
them  except  to  honor  them  with  a  little  contempt.  The  Giblets 
made  a  prodigious  splash  in  their  own  opinion ;  but  nobody  ex 
tolled  them  except  the  tailors,  and  the  milliners  who  had  been 
employed  in  manufacturing  their  paraphernalia.  The  Giblets 
thereupon  being,  like  Caleb  Quotem,  determined  to  have  "  a  place 
at  the  review,"  fell  to  work  more  fiercely  than  ever;  they  gave 
dinners,  and  they  gave  balls,  they  hired  cooks,  they  hired  fiddlers, 
they  hired  confectioners ;  and  they  would  have  kept  a  newspaper 
in  pay,  had  they  not  been  all  bought  up  at  that  time  for  the  elec 
tion.  They  invited  the  dancing-men  and  the  dancing- women  and 
the  gormandizers  and  the  epicures  of  the  city  to  come  and  make 
merry  at  their  expense ;  and  the  dancing-men,  and  the  dancing- 
women,  and  the  epicures,  and  the  gormandizers  did  come ;  arid 
iliey  did  make  merry  at  their  expense ;  and  they  eat,  and  they 


92  SALMAGUNDI. 

drank,  and  they  capered,  and  they  danced,  and  they — laughed  at 
their  entertainers. 

Then  commenced  the  hurry  and  the  bustle,  and  the  mighty  no 
thingness  of  fashionable  life;  such  rattling  in  coaches  I  such 
Haunting  in  the  streets!  such  slamming  of  box  doors  at  the 
theatre  I  such  a  tempest  of  bustle  and  unmeaning  noise  wherever 
they  appeared !  the  Giblets  were  seen  here  and  there  and  every 
where  ;  they  visited  everybody  they  knew,  and  everybody  they 
did  not  know ;  and  there  was  no  getting  along  for  the  Giblets. 
Their  plan  at  length  succeeded.  By  dint  of  dinners,  of  feeding 
and  frolicking  the  town,  the  Giblet  family  worked  themselves  into 
notice,  and  enjoyed  the  ineffable  pleasure  of  being  for  ever  pestered 
by  visitors,  who  cared  nothing  about  them ;  of  being  squeezed, 
and  smothered,  and  parboiled  at  nightly  balls  and  evening  tea- 
parties  ;  they  were  allowed  the  privilege  of  forgetting  the  very 
few  old  friends  they  once  possessed ;  they  turned  their  noses  up  in 
the  wind  at  everything  that  was  not  genteel ;  and  their  superb 
manners  and  sublime  affectation  at  length  left  it  no  longer  a  mat 
ter  of  doubt  that  the  Giblets  were  perfectly  in  style. 


" Being,  as  it  were,  a  small  contentmente  in  a  never  contenting  sub- 

jecte ;  a  bitter  pleasaunte  taste  of  a  sweete  seasoned  sower ;  and,  all  in 
all,  a  more  than  ordinarie  rejoycing,  in  an  extraordinaire  sorrow  of  de- 
lyghts." 

LINK.  FIDELIUS. 

WE  have  been  considerably  edified  of  late  by  several  letters  of 
advice  from  a  number  of  sage  correspondents,  who  really  seem  to 
know  more  about  our  work  than  we  do  ourselves.  One  warns  u<, 
against  saying  any  thing  more  about  SNIVERS,  who  is  a  very  par 
ticular  friend  of  the  writer,  and  who  has  a  singular  disinclination 
to  be  laughed  at.  This  correspondent  in  particular  inveighs 
against  personalities,  and  accuses  us  of  ill-nature  in  bringing  for 
ward  old  Fungus  and  Billy  Dimple,  as  figures  of  fun  to  amuse  the 
public.  Another  gentleman,  who  states  that  he  is  a  near  relation 
of  the  Cocklofts,  proses  away  most  soporitically  on  the  impropri 
ety  of  ridiculing  a  respectable  old  family ;  and  declares  that  if  we 
make  them  and  their  whim- whams  the  subject  of  any  more  essays, 
he  shall  be  under  the  necessity  of  applying  to  our  theatrical  cham 
pions  for  satisfaction.  A  third,  who  by  the  crabbedness  of  the 
hand-writing,  and  a  few  careless  inaccuracies  in  the  spelling, 
appears  to  be  a  lady,  assures  us  that  the  Miss  Cocklofts,  and  Miss 
Diana  Wearwell,  and  Miss  Dashaway.  and  Mrs. Will  Wi 
zard's  quondam  flame,  are  so  much  obliged  to  us  for  our  notice, 
that  they  intend  in  future  to  take  no  notice  of  us  at  all.  but  leave 


SALMAGUNDI.  93 

us  out  of  all  their  tea-parties,  for  which  we  make  them  one  of  our 
best  bows,  and  say,  "  thank  you,  ladies." 

We  wish  to  heaven  these  good  people  would  attend  to  their 
own  affairs,  if  they  have  any  to  attend  to,  and  let  us  alone.  It  is 
one  of  tbjB  most  provoking  things  in  the  world  that  we  cannot 
tickle  the  public  a  little,  merely  for  our  own  private  amusement, 
but  we  must  be  crossed  and  jostled  by  these  meddling  incendi 
aries,  and,  in  fact,  have  the  whole  town  about  our  ears.  "We  are 
much  in  the  same  situation  with  an  unlucky  blade  of  a  cockney, 
who,  having  mounted  his  bit  of  blood  to  enjoy  a  little  innocent 
recreation,  and  display  his  horsemanship  along  Broadway,  is 
worried  by  all  those  little  yelping  curs  that  infest  our  city,  and 
who  never  fail  to  sally  out  and  growl,  and  bark,  and  snarl,  to  the 
great  annoyance  of  the  Birmingham  equestrian. 

"\Visely  was  it  said  by  the  sage  Linkum  Fidelius,  "  howbeit, 
moreover,  nevertheless,  this  thrice  wicked  towne  is  charged  up 
to  the  muzzle  with  all  manner  of  ill-natures  and  uncharitable- 
nesses,  and  is,  moreover,  exceedinglie  naughte."  This  passage 
of  the  erudite  Linkum  was  applied  to  the  city  of  Gotham,  of 
which  he  was  once  Lord  Mayor,  as  appears  by  his  picture  hung 
up  in  the  hall  of  that  ancient  city ;  but  his  observation  fits  this 
best  of  all  possible  cities  "  to  a  hair."  It  is  a  melancholy  truth 
that  this  same  New  York,  though  the  most  charming,  pleasant, 
polished,  and  praise-worthy  city  under  the  sun,  and  in  a  word  the 
bonne  bouche  of  the  universe,  is  most  shockingly  ill-natured  and 
sarcastic,  and  wickedly  given  to  all  manner  of  backslidings ;  for 
which  we  are  very  sorry,  indeed.  In  truth,  for  it  must  come  out 
like  murder,  one  time  or  other,  the  inhabitants  are  not  only  ill- 
natured,  but  manifestly  unjust ;  no  sooner  do  they  get  one  of  our 
random  sketches  in  their  hands,  but  instantly  they  apply  it  most 
unjustifiably  to  some  "  dear  friend,"  and  then  accuse  us  vocife 
rously  of  the  personality  which  originated  in  their  own  officious 
friendship !  Truly  it  is  an  ill-natured  town,  and  most  earnestly  do 
we  hope  it  may  not  meet  with  the  fate  of  Sodom  and  Gomorrah 
of  old. 

As,  however,  it  may  be  thought  incumbent  upon  us  to  make 
some  apology  for  these  mistakes  of  the  town ;  and  as  our  good 
nature  is  truly  exemplary,  we  would  certainly  answer  this  expec 
tation  were  it  not  that  we  have  an  invincible  antipathy  to  making 
apologies.  We  have  a  most  profound  contempt  for  any  man  who 
cannot  give  three  good  reasons  for  an  unreasonable  thing ;  and 
will  therefore  condescend,  as  usual,  to  give  the  public  three 
special  reasons  for  never  apologizing : — first,  an  apology  implies 
that  we  are  accountable  to  somebody  or  another  for  our  conduct ; 
now,  as  we  do  not  care  a  fiddle-stick,  as  authors,  for  either  public 
opinion  or  private  ill-will,  it  would  be  implying  a  falsehood  to 
apologize : — second,  an  apology  would  indicate  that  we  had  been 
doing  what  we  ought  not  to  have  done.  Now  as  we  never  did 
nor  ever  intend  to  do  any  tiling  wrong,  it  would  be  ridiculous  to 


94  SALMAGUNDI. 

make  an  apology : — third,  we  labor  under  the  same  incapacity  in 
the  art  of  apologizing  that  lost  Langstaff  his  mistress ;  we  never 
yet  undertook  to  make  apology  without  committing  a  new  offence, 
and  making  matters  ten  times  worse  than  they  were  before ;  and 
we  are,  therefore,  determined  to  avoid  such  predicaments  in 
future. 

But  though  we  have  resolved  never  to  apologize,  yet  we  have 
no  particular  objection  to  explain ;  and  if  this  is  all  that's  wanted, 

we  will  go  about  it  directly  : allons,  gentlemen  1 before, 

however,  we  enter  upon  this  serious  affair,  we  take  this  opportu 
nity  to  express  our  surprise  and  indignation  at  the  incredulity  of 
some  people. — Have  we  not,  over  and  over,  assured  the  town 
that  we  are  three  of  the  best  natured  fellows  living  ?  And  is  it 
not  astonishing,  that  having  already  given  seven  convincing 

nfs  of  the  truth  of  this  assurance,  they  should  still  have  any 
)ts  on  the  subject  ?   but  as  it  is  one  of  the  impossible  things 
to  make  a  knave  believe  in  honesty,  so,  perhaps,  it  may  be  another 
to  make  this  most  sarcastic,  satirical,  and  tea-drinking  city  believe 

in  the  existence  of  good-nature.     But  to  our  explanation. 

Gentle  reader !  for  we  are  convinced  that  none  but  gentle  or  gen 
teel  readers  can  relish  our  excellent  productions,  if  thou  art  in  ex 
pectation  of  being  perfectly  satisfied  with  what  we  are  about  to 
say,  thou  mayest  as  well  "  whistle  lillebullero "  and  skip  quite 
over  what  follows  ;  for  never  wight  was  more  disappointed  than 
thou  wilt  be  most  assuredly. — But  to  the  explanation  :  We  care 
just  as  much  about  the  public  and  its  wise  conjectures,  as  we  do 
about  the  man  in  the  moon  and  his  whim-wham  ;  or  the  criti 
cisms  of  the  lady  who  sits  majestically  in  her  elbow-chair  in  the 
lobster ;  and  who,  belying  her  sex,  as  we  are  credibly  informed, 
never  says  any  thing  worth  listening  to.  We  have  launched  our 
bark,  and  we  will  steer  to  our  destined  port  with  undeviating 
perseverance,  fearless  of  being  shipwrecked  by  the  way.  Good 
nature  is  our  steersman,  reason  our  ballast.  whjjaJtlieJbigez^*IEat 
wafts  us  along,  and  MORALITY  our  leading  star. 


SAIiMAGUNDI.  95 


NO.  IX.— SATURDAY,  APRIL  25,  1807. 
FKOM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR, 

IT  in  some  measure  jumps  with  my  humor  to  be  "  melancholy 
and  gentleman-like"  this  stormy  night,  and  I  see  no  reason  why  I 
should  not  indulge  myself  for  once.  Away,  then,  with  joke,  with 
fun,  and  laughter,  for  a  while  ;  let  my  soul  look  back  in  mournful 
retrospect,  and  sadden  with  the  memory  of  my  good  aunt  CHARITY 
— who  died  of  a  Frenchman ! 

Stare  not,  oh  most  dubious  reader,  at  the  mention  of  a  com 
plaint  so  uncommon;  grievously  hath  it  afflicted  the  ancient 
family  of  the  Cocklofts,  who  carry  their  absurd  antipathy  to  the 
French  so  far,  that  they  will  not  suffer  a  clove  of  garlic  in  the 
house ;  and  my  good  old  friend  Christopher  was  once  on  the  point 
of  abandoning  his  paternal  country  mansion  of  Cockloft-hall, 
merely  because  a  colony  of  frogs  had  settled  in  a  neighboring 
swamp.  I  verily  believe  he  would  have  carried  his  whim-wham 
into  effect,  had  not  a  fortunate  drought  obliged  the  enemy  to 
strike  their  tents,  and,  like  a  troop  of  wandering  Arabs,  to  march 
off  towards  a  moister  part  of  the  country. 

My  aunt  Charity  departed  this  life  in  the  fifty -ninth  year  of  her 
age,  though  she  never  grew  older  after  twenty -five.  In  her  teens 
she  was,  according  to  her  own  account,  a  celebrated  beauty — 
though  I  never  could  meet  with  anybody  that  remembered  when 
she  was  handsome ;  on  the  contrary,  Evergreen's  father,  who  used 
to  gallant  her  in  his  youth,  says  she  was  as  knotty  a  little  piece  of 
humanity  as  he  ever  saw ;  and  that,  if  she  had  been  possessed  of 
the  least  sensibility,  she  would,  like  poor  old  Acco,  have  most  cer 
tainly  run  mad  at  her  own  figure  and  face  the  first  time  she  con 
templated  herself  in  a  looking-glass.  In  the  good  old  times  that 
saw  my  aunt  in  the  heyday  of  youth,  a  fine  lady  was  a  most  for 
midable  animal,  and  required  to  be  approached  with  the  same  awe 
and  devotion  that  a  Tartar  feels  in  the  presence  of  his  Grand 
Lama.  If  a  gentleman  offered  to  take  her  hand,  except  to  help 
her  into  a  carriage,  or  lead  her  into  a  drawing-room,  such  frowns ! 
such  a  rustling  of  brocade  and  taffeta  I  her  very  paste  shoe- 
buckles  sparkled  with  indignation,  and  for  a  moment  assumed  the 
brilliancy  of  diamonds  :  in  those  days  the  person  of  a  belle  was 
sacred ;  it  was  unprofanecl  by  the  sacrilegious  grasp  of  a  stranger: 
simple  souls ! — they  had  not  the  waltz  among  them  yet ! 

My  good  aunt  prided  herself  on  keeping  up  this  buckram  deli 
cacy  ;  and  if  she  happened  to  be  playing  at  the  old-fashioned 


96  SALMAGUNDI. 

game  of  forfeits,  and  was  fined  a  kiss,  it  was  always  more  trouble 
to  get  it  than  it  was  worth ;  for  she  made  a  most  gallant  defence, 
and  never  surrendered  until  she  saw  her  adversary  inclined  to 
give  over  his  attack.  Evergreen's  father  says  he  remembers  once 
to  have  been  on  a  sleighing  party  with  her,  and  when  they  came 
to  Kissing-bridge,  it  fell  to  his  lot  to  levy  contributions  on  Miss 
Charity  Cockloft,  who  after  squalling  at  a  hideous  rate,  at  length 
jumped  out  of  the  sleigh  plump  into  a  snow-bank,  where  she  stuck 
fast  like  an  icicle,  until  he  came  to  her  rescue.  This  latonian 
feat  cost  her  a  rheumatism,  which  she  never  thoroughly  recovered. 
It  is  rather  singular  that  my  aunt,  though  a  great  beauty,  and 
an  heiress  withal,  never  got  married.  The  reason  she  alleged 
was,  that  she  never  met  with  a  lover  who  resembled  Sir  Charles 
Grandison,  the  hero  of  her  nightly  dreams  and  waking  fancy ;  but 
I  am  privately  of  opinion  that  it  was  owing  to  her  never  having 
had  an  offer.  This  much  is  certain,  that  for  many  years  previous 
to  her  decease,  she  declined  all  attentions  from  the  gentlemen, 
and  contented  herself  with  watching  over  the  welfare  of  her  fel 
low-creatures.  She  was,  indeed,  observed  to  take  a  considerable 
lean  towards  methodism,  was  frequent  in  her  attendance  at  love 
feasts,  read  Whitfield  and  "Wesley,  and  even  went  so  far  as  once 
to  travel  the  distance  of  five  and  twenty  miles  to  be  present  at  a 
camp-meeting.  This  gave  great  offence  to  my  cousin  Christopher, 
and  his  good  lady,  who,  as  I  have  already  mentioned,  are  rigidly 
orthodox ;  and  had  not  my  aunt  Charity  been  of  a  most  pacific 
disposition,  her  religious  whim-wham  would  have  occasioned 
many  a  family  altercation.  She  was,  indeed,  as  good  a  soul  as 
the  Cockloft  family  ever  boasted ;  a  lady  of  unbounded  loving- 
kindness,  which  extended  to  man,  woman,  and  child;  many  of 
whom  she  almost  killed  with  good  nature.  "Was  any  acquaint 
ance  sick  ?  In  vain  did  the  wind  whistle  and  the  storm  beat ;  my 
aunt  would  waddle  through  mud  and  mire,  over  the  whole  town, 
but  what  she  would  visit  them.  She  would  sit  by  them  for  hours 
together  with  the  most  persevering  patience,  and  tell  a  thousand 
melancholy  stories  of  human  misery,  to  keep  up  their  spirits. 
The  whole  catalogue  of  yerb  teas  was  at  her  fingers'  ends,  from 
formidable  wormwood  down  to  gentle  balm ;  and  she  would  de 
scant  by  the  hour  on  the  healing  qualities  of  hoar-hound,  catnip, 
and  penny-royal.  Woe  be  to  the  patient  that  came  under  tho 
benevolent  hand  of  my  aunt  Charity ;  he  was  sure,  willy-nilly,  to 
be  drenched  with  a  deluge  of  decoctions ;  and  full  many  a  time 
has  my  cousin  Christopher  borne  a  twinge  of  pain  in  silence, 
through  fear  of  being  condemned  to  suffer  the  martyrdom  of  her 
materia-medica.  My  good  aunt  had,  moreover,  considerable  skill 
in  astronomy,  for  she  could  tell  when  the  sun  rose  and  set  every 
day  in  the  year;  and  no  woman  in  the  whole  world  was  able  to 
pronounce  with  more  certainty,  at  what  precise  minute  the  moon 
changed.  She  held  the  story  of  the  moon's  being  made  of  green 
cheese,  as  an  abominable  slander  on  her  favorite  planet ;  and  she 


SALMAGUNDI.  97 

had  made  several  valuable  discoveries  in  solar  eclipses,  by  means 
of  a  bit  of  burnt  glass,  which  entitled  her  at  least  to  an  honorary 
admission  in  the  American  Philosophical  Society.  Hutching's 
Improved  was  her  favorite  book ;  and  I  shrewdly  suspect  that  it 
was  from  this  valuable  work  she  drew  most  of  her  sovereign  re 
medies  for  colds,  coughs,  corns,  and  consumptions. 

But  the  truth  must  be  told.  With  all  her  good  qualities  my 
aunt  Charity  was  afflicted  with  one  fault,  extremely  rare  among 
her  gentle  sex ; — it  was  curiosity.  How  she  came  by  it,  I  am  at 
a  loss  to  imagine,  but  it  played  the  very  vengeance  with  her  and 
destroyed  the  comfort  of  her  life.  Having  an  invincible  desire  to 
know  everybody's  character,  business,  and  mode  of  living,  she 
was  for  ever  prying  into  the  affairs  of  her  neighbors ;  and  got  a 
great  deal  of  ill  will  from  people  towards  whom  she  had  the 
kindest  disposition  possible.  If  any  family  on  the  opposite  side 
of  the  street  gave  a  dinner ;  my  aunt  would  mount  her  spectacles, 
and  sit  at  the  window  until  the  company  were  all  housed,  merely 
that  she  might  know  who  they  were.  If  she  heard  a  story  about 
any  of  her  acquaintance,  she  would,  forthwith,  set  off,  full  sail, 
and  never  rest  until,  to  use  her  usual  expression,  she  had  got  "  to 
the  bottom  of  it;"  which  meant  nothing  more  than  telling  it  to 
everybody  she  knew. 

I  remember  one  night  my  aunt  Charity  happened  to  hear  a 
most  precious  story  about  one  of  her  good  friends,  but  unfortu 
nately  too  late  to  give  it  immediate  circulation.  It  made  her  ab 
solutely  miserable ;  and  she  hardly  slept  a  wink  all  night,  for  fear 
her  bosom-friend,  Mrs.  SIPKINS,  should  get  the  start  of  her  in  the 
morning  and  blow  the  whole  affair.  You  must  know  there  was 
always  a  contest  between  these  two  ladies,  who  should  first  give 
currency  to  the  good-natured  things  said  about  everybody ;  and 
this  unfortunate  rivalship  at  length  proved  fatal  to  their  long  and 
ardent  friendship.  My  aunt  got  up  full  two  hours  that  morning 
before  her  usual  time ;  put  on  her  pompadour  taffeta  gown,  and 
sallied  forth  to  lament  the  misfortune  of  her  dear  friend.  Would 
you  believe  it ! — wherever  she  went  Mrs.  Sipkins  had  anticipated 
her ;  and,  instead  of  being  listened  to  with  uplifted  hands  and 
open-mouthed  wonder,  my  unhappy  aunt  was  obliged  to  sit  down 
quietly  and  listen  to  the  whole  affair,  with  numerous  additions, 
alterations  and  amendments !  Now  this  was  too  bad ;  it  would 
almost  have  provoked  Patient  Grizzle  or  a  saint : — it  was  too  much 
for  my  aunt,  who  kept  her  bed  for  three  days  afterwards,  with  a 
cold,  as  she  pretended ;  but  I  have  no  doubt  it  was  owing  to  this 
affair  of  Mrs.  Sipkins,  to  whom  she  never  wouldbe  reconciled. 

But  I  pass  over  the  rest  of  my  aunt  Charity's  life,  chequered 
with  the  various  calamities  and  misfortunes  and  mortifications, 
incident  to  those  worthy  old  gentlewomen  who  have  the  domestic 
cares  of  the  whole  community  upon  their  minds ;  and  I  hasten  to 
relate  the  melancholy  incident  that  hurried  her  out  of  existence 
in  the  full  bloom  of  antiquated  virginity. 
7 


98  SALMAGUNDI. 

In  their  frolicksome  malice  the  fates  had  ordered  that  a  French 
boarding-house,  or  Pension  Francaise,  as  it  was  called,  should  bo 
established  directly  opposite  ray  aunt's  residence.  Cruel  event ! 
unhappy  aunt  Charity ! — it  threw  her  into  that  alarming  disorder 
denominated  the  fidgets  ;  she  did  nothing  but  watch  at  the  win 
dow  day  after  day,  but  without  becoming  one  whit  the  wiser  at 
the  end  of  a  fortnight  than  she  was  at  the  beginning ;  she  thought 
that  neighbor  Pension  had  a  monstrous  large  family,  and  some 
how  or  other  they  were  all  men  I  she  could  not  imagine  what 
business  neighbor  Pension  followed  to  support  so  numerous  a 
household ;  and  wondered  why  there  was  always  such  a  scraping 
of  fiddles  in  the  parlor,  and  such  a  smell  of  onions  from  neighbor 
Pension's  kitchen ;  in  short,  neighbor  Pension  was  continually 
uppermost  in  her  thoughts,  and  incessantly  on  the  outer  edge  of 
her  tongue.  This  was,  I  believe,  the  very  first  time  she  had  ever 
failed  "  to  get  at  the  bottom  of  a  thing ;"  and  the  disappointment 
cost  her  many  a  sleepless  night,  I  warrant  you.  I  have  little 
doubt,  however,  that  my  aunt  would  have  ferreted  neighbor 
Pension  out,  could  she  have  spoken  or  understood  French ;  but 
in  those  times  people  in  general  could  make  themselves  under 
stood  in  plain  English  ;  and  it  was  always  a  standing  rule  in  the 
Cockloft  family,  which  exists  to  this  day,  that  not  one  of  the 
females  should  learn  French. 

My  aunt  Charity  had  lived,  at  her  window,  for  some  time  in 
vain ;  when  one  day  as  she  was  keeping  her  usual  look-out,  and 
sutlering  all  the  pangs  of  unsatisfied  curiosity,  she  beheld  a  little 
meagre  weazel-faced  Frenchman,  of  the  most  forlorn,  diminutive 
and  pitiful  proportions,  arrive  at  neighbor  Pension's  door,  lie 
was  dressed  in  white,  with  a  little  pinched-up  cocked  hat ;  he 
seemed  to  shake  in  the  wind,  and  every  blast  that  went  over  him 
whistled  through  his  bones  and  threatened  instant  annihilation. 
This  embodied  spirit-of-famine  was  followed  by  three  carts,  lum 
bered  with  crazy  trunks,  chests,  band-boxes,  bidets,  medicine- 
chests,  parrots  arid  monkeys ;  and  at  his  heels  ran  a  yelping  pack 
of  little  black-nosed  pug  dogs.  This  was  the  one  thing  wanting 
to  fill  up  the  measure  of  my  aunt  Charity's  afflictions ;  she  could 
not  conceive,  for  the  soul  of  her,  who  this  mysterious  little  appa 
rition  could  be  that  made  so  great  a  display  ;  what  he  could  pos 
sibly  do  with  so  much  baggage,  and  particularly  with  his  parrots 
and  monkeys ;  or  how  so  small  a  carcass  could  have  occasion  for 
so  many  trunks  of  clothes.  Honest  soul  1  she  had  never  had  a  peep 
into  a  Frenchman's  wardrobe ;  that  depot  of  old  coats,  hats,  and 
breeches,  of  the  growth  of  every  fashion  he  has  followed  inhis 
lite. 

From  the  time  of  this  fatal  arrival,  my  poor  aunt  was  in  a 
quandary; — all  her  inquiries  were  fruitless;  no  one  could  ex 
pound  the  history  of  this  mysterious  stranger :  she  never  held  up 
her  head  afterwards. — drooped  daily,  took  to  her  bed  in  a  fort 
night,  nnd  in  "  one  little  month''  I  saw  her  quietly  deposited  in 


SALMAGUNDI.  99 

the  family  vault  : — being  the  seventh  Cockloft  that  has  died  of  a 
whim- wham! 

Take  warning,  my  fair  countrywomen!  and  you,  oh,  ye  excel  - 
leut  ladies,  whether  married  or  single,  who  pry  into  other  peo 
ple's  affairs  and  neglect  those  of  your  own  household ; — who  are 
so  busily  employed  in  observing  the  faults  of  others  that  you 
have  no  time  to  correct  your  own ; — remember  the  fate  of  my 
dear  aunt  Charity,  and  eschew  the  evil  spirit  of  curiosity. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

I  FIND,  by  perusal  of  our  last  number,  that  WILL  WIZARD  and 
EVERGREEN,  taking  advantage  of  my  confinement,  have  been 
playing  some  of  their  gambols.  I  suspected  these  rogues  of  some 
mal- practices,  in  consequence  of  their  queer  looks  and  knowing 
winks  whenever  I  came  down  to  dinner :  and  of  their  not  show 
ing  their  faces  at  old  Cockloft's  for  several  days,  after  the  appear 
ance  of  their  precious  effusions.  Whenever  these  two  waggish 
fellows  lay  their  heads  together,  there  is  always  sure  to  be  hatched 
some  notable  piece  of  mischief;  which,  if  it  tickles  nobody  else, 
is  sure  to  make  its  authors  merry.  The  public  will  take  notice 
that,  for  the  purpose  of  teaching  these  my  associates  better  man 
ners,  and  punishing  them  for  their  high  misdemeanors,  I  have,  by 
virtue  of  my  authority,  suspended  them  from  all  interference  in 
Salmagundi,  until  they  show  a  proper  degree  of  repentance ;  or 
I  get  tired  of  supporting  the  burthen  of  the  work  myself.  I  am 
sorry  for  Will,  who  is  already  sufficiently  mortified  in  not  daring 
to  come  to  the  old  house,  and  tell  his  long  stories  and  smoke  his 
segar ;  but  Evergreen,  being  an  old  beau,  may  solace  himself  in 
his  disgrace  by  trimming  up  all  his  old  finery  and  making  love  to 
the  little  girls. 

At  present  my  right  hand  man  is  cousin  Pindar,  whom  I  have 
taken  into  high  favor.  He  came  home  the  other  night  all  in  a 
blaze  like  a  sky-rocket — whisked  up  to  his  room  in  a  paroxysm 
of  poetic  inspiration,  nor  did  we  see  any  thing  of  him  until  late 
the  next  morning,  when  he  bounced  upon  us  at  breakfast, 

"  Fire  in  each  eye — and  paper  in  each  hand." 

This  is  just  the  way  with  Pindar,  he  is  like  a  volcano :  will  remain 
for  a  long  time  silent  without  emitting  a  single  spark,  and  then,  all 
at  once,  burst  out  in  a  tremendous  explosion  of  rhyme  and  rhapsody. 

As  the  letters  of  my  friend  Mustapha  seem  to  excite  considera 
ble  curiosity,  I  have  subjoined  another.  I  do  not  vouch  for  the 


100  SALMAGUNDI. 

justice  of  his  remarks,  or  the  correctness  of  his  conclusions ;  they 
are  full  of  the  blunders  and  errors  in  which  strangers  continually 
indulge,  who  pretend  to  give  an  account  of  this  country  before 
they  well  know  the  geography  of  the  street  in  which  they  live. 
The  copies  of  my  friend's  papers  being  confused  and  without  date, 
I  cannot  pretend  to  give  them  in  systematic  order ; — in  fact,  they 
seem  now  and  then  to  treat  of  matters  which  have  occurred  since 
his  departure:  whether  these  are  sly  interpolations  of  the  med 
dlesome  wight  Will  Wizard,  or  whether  honest  Mustapha  was 
gifted  with  the  spirit  of  prophecy  or  second  sight,  I  neither  know 
— nor  in  fact  do  I  care.  The  following  seems  to  have  been  writ 
ten  when  the  Tripolitan  prisoners  were  so  much  annoyed  by  the 
ragged  state  of  their  wardrobe.  Mustapha  feelingly  depicts  the 
embarrassments  of  his  situation,  traveller  like;  makes  an  easy 
transition  from  his  breeches  to  the  seat  of  government,  and  incon 
tinently  abuses  the  whole  administration ;  like  a  sapient  traveller 
I  once  knew,  who  damned  the  French  nation  in  toto— because 
they  eat  sugar  with  green  peas. 


LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELI  KHAN, 

CAPTAIN  OF  A  KETCH,  TO   ASEM   HACCHEM,    PRINCIPAL   SLAVE-DRI 
VER  TO  HIS  HIGHNESS  THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

SWEET,  oh,  Asem !  is  the  memory  of  distant  friends  1  like  the 
mellow  ray  of  a  departing  sun  it  falls  tenderly  yet  sadly  on  the 
heart.  Every  hour  of  absence  from  my  native  land  rolls  heavily 
by,  like  the  sandy  wave  of  the  desert ;  and  the  fair  shores  of  my 
country  rise  blooming  to  my  imagination,  clothed  in  the  soft  illu 
sive  charms  of  distance.  I  sigh,  yet  no  one  listens  to  the  sigh  of 
the  captive ;  I  shed  the  bitter  tear  of  recollection,  but  no  one 
sympathizes  in  the  tear  of  the  turbaned  stranger  I  Think  not, 
however,  thou  brother  of  my  soul,  that  I  complain  of  the  horrors 
of  my  situation ; — think  not  that  my  captivity  is  attended  with 
the  labors,  the  chains,  the  scourges,  the  insults,  that  render  sla 
very,  with  us,  more  dreadful  than  the  pangs  of  hesitating,  linger 
ing  death.  Light,  indeed,  are  the  restraints  on  the  personal  free 
dom  of  thy  kinsman  ;  but  who  can  enter  into  the  afflictions  of  the 
mind  ? — who  can  describe  the  agonies  of  the  heart  ?  they  are 
mutable  as  the  clouds  of  the  air — they  are  countless  as  the  waves 
that  divide  me  from  my  native  country. 

I  have,  of  late,  my  dear  Asem,  labored  under  an  inconvenience 
singularly  unfortunate,  and  am  reduced  to  a  dilemma  most  ridi 
culously  embarrassing.  Why  should  I  hide  it  from  the  companion 


SALMAUUXDI.  J01 

of  my  thoughts,  the  partner  of  my  sorrows  and  my  joys  ?  Alas ! 
Asem,  thy  friend  Mastapha,  the  invincible  captain  of  a  ketch,  is 
sadly  in  want  of  a  pair  of  breeches  I  Thou  wilt  doubtless  smile, 
oh,  most  grave  Mussulman,  to  hear  me  indulge  in  such  ardent 
lamentations  about  a  circumstance  so  trivial,  and  a  want  appa 
rently  so  easy  to  be  satisfied :  but  little  canst  thou  know  of  the 
mortifications  attending  my  necessities,  and  the  astonishing  diffi 
culty  of  supplying  them.  Honored  by  the  smiles  and  attentions 
of  the  beautiful  ladies  of  this  city,  who  have  fallen  in  love  with 
my  whiskers  and  my  turban ;  courted  by  the  bashaws  and  the 
great  men,  who  delight  to  have  me  at  their  feasts ;  the  honor  of 
my  company  eagerly  solicited  by  every  fiddler  who  gives  a  con 
cert  ;  think  of  my  chagrin  at  being  obliged  to  decline  the  host  of 
invitations  that  daily  overwhelm  me,  merely  for  want  of  a  pair  of 
breeches !  Oh,  Allah !  Allah !  that  thy  disciples  could  come  into 
the  world  all  befeathered  like  a  bantam,  or  with  a  pair  of  leather 
breeches  like  the  wild  deer  of  the  forest !  Surely,  my  friend,  it  is 
the  destiny  of  man  to  be  for  ever  subjected  to  petty  evils,  which, 
however  trifling  in  appearance,  pray  in  silence  on  his  little  pit 
tance  of  enjoyment,  and  poison  those  moments  of  sunshine,  which 
might  otherwise  be  consecrated  to  happiness. 

The  want  of  a  garment,  thou  wilt  say,  is  easily  supplied ;  and 
thou  mayst  suppose  need  only  be  mentioned,  to  be  remedied 
at  once  by  any  tailor  of  the  land:  little  canst  thou  conceive 
the  impediments  which  stand  in  the  way  of  my  comfort;  and 
still  less  art  thou  acquainted  with  the  prodigious  great  scale 
on  which  everything  is  transacted  in  this  country.  The  nation 
moves  most  majestically  slow  and  clumsy  in  the  most  trivial 
affairs,  like  the  unwieldy  elephant  which  makes  a  formidable 
difficulty  of  picking  up  a  straw !  When  I  hinted  my  necessities 
to  the  officer,  who  has  charge  of  myself  and  my  companions,  I 
expected  to  have  them  forthwith  relieved;  but  he  made  an 
amazing  long  face,  told  me  that  we  were  prisoners  of  state,  that 
we  must  therefore  be  clothed  at  the  expense  of  government ;  that 
as  no  provision  had  been  made  by  congress  for  any  emergency  of 
the  kind,  it  was  impossible  to  furnish  me  with  a  pair  of  breeches, 
until  all  the  sages  of  the  nation  had  been  convened  to  talk  over 
the  matter,  and  debate  upon  the  expediency  of  granting  my 
request.  Sword  of  the  immortal  Khalid,  thought  I,  but  this  is 
great !  this  is  truly  sublime !  All  the  sages  of  an  immense  logo- 
cracy  assembled  together  to  talk  about  my  breeches!  Vain 
mortal  that  I  am  I — I  cannot  but  own  I  was  somewhat  recon 
ciled  to  the  delay,  which  must  necessarily  attend  this  method  of 
clothing  me,  by  the  consideration  that  if  they  made  the  affair  a 
national  act,  my  "name  must  of  course  be  embodied  in  history," 
and  myself  and  my  breeches  flourish  to  immortality  in  the  annals 
of  this  mighty  empire! 

"But  pray,"  said  I,  "how  does  it  happen  that  a  matter  so 
i  significant  should  be  erected  into  an  object  of  such  importance, 


102  SALMAGUNDI. 

as  to  employ  the  representative  wisdom  of  the  nation ;  and  what 
is  the  cause  of  their  talking  so  much  about  a  trifle?"  "Oh," 
replied  the  officer,  who  acts  as  our  slave-driver,  "it  all  proceeds 
from  economy.  If  the  government  did  not  spend  ten  times  as 
much  money  in  debating  whether  it  was  proper  to  supply  you 
with  breeches,  as  the  breeches  themselves  would  cost,  the  people 
who  govern  the  bashaw  and  his  divan  would  straightway  begin  to 
complain  of  their  liberties  being  infringed ;  the  national  finances 
squandered!  not  a  hostile  slang- whanger,  throughout  the  logo- 
cracy,  but  would  burst  forth  like  a  barrel  of  combustion ;  and  ten 
chances  to  one  but  the  bashaw  and  the  sages  of  his  divan  would 
all  be  turned  out  of  office  together.  My  good  Mussulman,"  con 
tinued  he,  "  the  administration  have  the  good  of  the  people  too 
much  at  heart  to  trifle  with  their  pockets ;  and  they  would  sooner 
assemble  and  talk  away  ten  thousand  dollars,  than  expend  fifty 
silently  out  of  the  treasury;  such  is  the  wonderful  spirit  of 
economy  that  pervades  every  branch  of  this  government."  "  But," 
said  ],  "how  is  it  possible  they  can  spend  money  in  talking? 
surely  words  cannot  be  the  current  coin  of  this  country?" 
"Truly,"  cried  he,  smiling,  "your  question  is  pertinent  enough, 
for  words  indeed  often  supply  the  place  of  cash  among  us,  and 
many  an  honest  debt  is  paid  in  promises;  but  the  fact  is,  the 
grand  bashaw  and  the  members  of  congress,  or  grand-talkers-of- 
the-nation,  either  receive  a  yearly  salary,  or  are  paid  by  the  day." 
"By  the  nine  hundred  tongues  of  the  great  beast  of  Mahomet's 
vision,  but  the  murder  is  out : — it  is  no  wonder  these  honest  men 
talk  so  much  about  nothing,  when  they  are  paid  for  talking,  like 
day-laborers."  "You  are  mistaken,"  said  my  driver;  "it  is 
nothing  but  economy !" 

I  remained  silent  for  some  minutes,  for  this  inexplicable  word, 
economy,  always  discomfits  me ;  and  when  I  flatter  myself  I  have 
grasped  it,  it  slips  through  my  fingers  like  a  jack-o'-lantern.  I 
have  not,  nor  perhaps  ever  shall  acquire,  sufficient  of  the  philoso 
phic  policy  of  this  government  to  draw  a  proper  distinction  be 
tween  an  individual  and  a  nation.  If  a  man  was  to  throw  away 
a  pound  in  order  to  save  a  beggarly  penny,  and  boast  at  the 
same  time  of  his  economy,  I  should  think  him  on  a  par  with  the 
fool  in  the  fable  of  Alfangi,  who,  in  skinning  a  flint  worth  a  far 
thing,  spoiled  a  knife  worth  fifty  times  the  sum,  and  thought  he 
had  acted  wisely.  The  shrewd  fellow  would  doubtless  have 
valued  himself  much  more  highly  on  his  economy,  could  he  have 
known  that  his  example  would  one  day  be  followed  by  the  ba 
shaw  of  America  and  the  sages  of  his  divan. 

This  economic  disposition,  my  friend,  occasions  much  fighting 
of  the  spirit,  and  innumerable  contests  of  the  tongue  in  this  talk 
ing  assembly.  Wouldst  thou  believe  it  ?  they  were  actually  em 
ployed  for  a  whole  week  in  a  most  strenuous  and  eloquent  debate 
about  patching  up  a  hole  in  the  wall  of  the  room  appropriated  to 
their  meetings  1  A  vast  profusion  of  nervous  argument  and  pom' 


SALMAGUNDI.  103 

pous  declamation  was  expended  on  the  occasion.  Some  of  the 
orators,  I  am  told,  being  rather  waggishly  inclined,  were  most 
stupidly  jocular  on  the  occasion;  but  their  waggery  gave  great 
offence,  and  was  highly  reprobated  by  the  more  weighty  part  of 
the  assembly,  who  hold  all  wit  and  humor  in  abomination,  and 
thought  the  business  in  hand  much  too  solemn  and  serious  to  be 
treated  lightly.  It  is  supposed  by  some  that  this  affair  would 
have  occupied  a  whole  winter,  as  it  was  a  subject  upon  which 
several  gentlemen  spoke  who  had  never  been  known  to  open 
their  lips  in  that  place,  except  to  say  yes  and  no.  •  These  silent 
members  are,  by  way  of  distinction,  denominated  orator  mums, 
and  are  highly  valued  in  this  country  on  account  of  their  great 
talents  for  silence ; — a  qualification  extremely  rare  in  a  logocracy. 

Fortunately  for  the  public  tranquillity,  in  the  hottest  part  of  the 
debate,  when  two  rampant  Virginians,  brimful  of  logic  and  philo 
sophy,  were  measuring  tongues,  and  syllogistically  cudgelling 
each  other  out  of  their  unreasonable  notions,  the  president  of  the 
divan,  a  knowing  old  gentleman,  one  night  slyly  sent  a  mason, 
with  a  hod  of  mortar,  who,  in  the  course  of  a  few  minutes,  closed 
up  the  hole,  and  put  a  final  end  to  the  argument.  Thus  did  this 
wise  old  gentleman,  by  hitting  on  a  most  simple  expedient,  in  all 
probability,  save  his  country  as  much  money  as  would  build  a 
gunboat,  or  pay  a  hireling  slang-whanger  for  a  whole  volume  of 
words.  As  it  happened,  only  a  few  thousand  dollars  were  ex 
pended  in  paying  these  men,  who  are  denominated,  I  suppose  in 
derision,  legislators. 

Another  instance  of  their  economy,  I  relate  with  pleasure,  for  I 
really  begin  to  feel  a  regard  for  these  poor  barbarians.  They 
talked  away  the  best  part  of  a  whole  winter  before  they  could  de 
termine  not  to  expend  a  few  dollars  in  purchasing  a  sword  to  be 
stow  on  an  illustrious  warrior ;  yes,  Asem,  on  that  very  hero  who 
frightened  all  our  poor  old  women  and  young  children  at  Derne, 
and  fully  proved  himself  a  greater  man  than  the  mother  that  bore 
him.  Thus,  my  friend,  is  the  whole  collective  wisdom  of  this 
mighty  logocracy  employed  in  somniferous  debates  about  the  most 
trivial  affairs ;  like  I  have  sometimes  seen  a  herculean  mounte 
bank  exerting  all  his  energies  in  balancing  a  straw  upon  his  nose. 
Their  sages  behold  the  minutest  object  witli  the  microscopic  eyes 
of  a  pismire ;  mole-hills  swell  into  mountains,  and  a  grain  of  mus 
tard  seed  will  set  the  whole  ant-hill  in  a  hubbub.  Whether  this 
indicates  a  capacious  vision  or  a  diminutive  mind,  I  leave  thee  to 
decide ;  for  my  part,  I  consider  it  as  another  proof  of  the  great 
scale  on  which  everything  is  transacted  in  this  country. 

I  have  before  told  thee  that  nothing  can  be  done  without  con 
sulting  the  sages  of  the  nation,  who  compose  the  assembly  called 
the  congress.  This  prolific  body  may  not  improperly  be  termed 
the  "mother  of  inventions;"  and  a  most  fruitful  mother  it  is,  let 
me  tell  thee,  though  its  children  are  generally  abortions.  It  has 
lately  labored  with  what  was  deemed  the  conception  of  a  mighty 


104  SALMAGUNDI. 

navy.  All  the  old  women  and  the  good  wives  that  assist  the  ba 
shaw  in  his  emergencies,  hurried  to  head-quarters  to  be  busy,  like 
midwives,  at  the  delivery.  All  was  anxiety,  tidgettirig,  and  con 
sultation;  when,  after  a  deal  of  groaning  arid  struggling,  in 
stead  of  formidable  first-rates  and  gallant  frigates,  out  crept  a  lit 
ter  of  sorry  little  gunboats !  These  are  most  pitiful  little  vessels, 
partaking  vastly  of  the  character  of  the  grand  bashaw,  who  has 
the  credit  of  begetting  them — being  flat  shallow  vessels  that  can 
only  sail  before  the  wind — must  always  keep  in  with  the  laud — 
are  continually  foundering  or  running  ashore — and,  in  short,  are 
only  fit  for  smooth  water.  Though  intended  for  the  defence  of 
the  maritime  cities,  yet  the  cities  are  obliged  to  defend  them;  and 
fiey  require  as  much  nursing  as  so  many  rickety  little  bantlings. 
They  are,  however,  the  darling  pets  of  the  grand  bashaw,  being 
the  children  of  his  dotage,  and,  perhaps,  from  their  diminutive  size 
and  palpable  weakness,  are  called  the  "infant  navy  of  America." 
The  act  that  brought  them  into  existence  was  almost  deified  by 
the  majority  of  the  people  as  a  grand  stroke  of  economy.  By  the 
beard  of  Mahomet,  but  this  word  is  truly  inexplicable. 

To  this  economic  body,  therefore,  was  I  advised  to  address  my 
petition,  and  humbly  to  pray  that  the  august  assembly  of  sages 
would,  in  the  plenitude  of  their  wisdom  and  the  magnitude  of 
their  powers,  munificently  bestow  on  an  unfortunate  captive,  a 
pair  of  cotton  breeches  I  "Head  of  the  immortal  Amrou,"  cried 
I,  "  but  this  would  be  presumptuous  to  a  degree ; — what !  after 
these  worthies  have  thought  proper  to  leave  their  country  naked 
and  defenceless,  and  exposed  to  all  the  political  storms  that  rattle 
without,  can  I  expect  that  they  will  lend  a  helping  hand  to  com 
fort  the  extremities  of  a  solitary  captive?"  My  exclamation  was 
only  answered  by  a  smile,  and  I  was  consoled  by  the  assurance 
that,  so  far  from  being  neglected,  it  was  every  way  probable  my 
breeches  might  occupy  a  whole  session  of  the  divan,  and  set 
several  of  the  longest  heads  together  by  the  ears.  Flattering  as 
was  the  idea  of  a  whole  nation  being  agitated  about  my  breeches, 
yet  I  own  I  was  somewhat  dismayed  at  the  idea  of  remaining  in 
querpo,  until  all  the  national  gray-beards  should  have  made  a 
speech  on  the  occasion,  and  given  their  consent  to  the  measure. 
The  embarrassment  and  distress  of  mind  which  I  experienced 
wras  visible  in  my  countenance,  and  my  guard,  who  is  a  man  of 
infinite  good-nature,  immediately  suggested,  as  a  more  expedi 
tious  plan  of  supplying  my  wants,  a  benefit  at  the  theatre. 
Though  profoundly  ignorant  of  his  meaning,  I  agreed  to  his  pro 
position,  the  result  of  which  I  shall  disclose  to  thee  in  another 
letter. 

Fare  thee  well,  dear  Asem ;  in  thy  pious  prayers  to  our  great 
prophet,  never  forget  to  solicit  thy  friend's  return ;  and  when 
thou  numberest  up  the  many  blessings  bestowed  on  thee  by  all- 
bountiful  Allah,  pour  forth  thy  gratitude  that  he  has  cast  thy 
nativity  in  a  land  where  there  is  no  assembly  of  legislative  chat- 


SALMAGUXBI.  1()5 

terers ;  no  great  bashaw,  who  bestrides  a  gun-boat  for  a  hobby 
horse  ;  where  the  word  economy  is  unknown,  and  where  an 
unfortunate  captive  is  not  obliged  to  call  upon  the  whole  nation 
to  cut  him  out  a  pair  of  breeches. 

Ever  thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 


FROM  THE  MILL  OF  PINDAR  COCKLOFT,  ESQ. 

THOUGH  enter'd  on  that  sober  age, 
When  men  withdraw  from  fashion's  stage, 
And  leave  the  follies  of  the  day, 
To  shape  their  course  a  graver  way ; 
Still  those  gay  scenes  I  loiter  round, 
In  which  my  youth  sweet  transport  found  ; 
And  though  I  feel  their  joys  decay, 
And  languish  every  hour  away, — 
Yet  like  an  exile  doom'd  to  part, 
From  the  dear  country  of  his  heart, 
From  the  fair  spot  in  which  he  sprung, 
Where  his  first  notes  of  love  were  sung, 
Will  often  turn  to  wave  the  hand, 
And  sigh  his  blessings  on  the  land  ; 
Just  so  my  lingering  watch  I  keep — 
Thus  oft  I  take  my  farewell  peep. 

And,  like  that  pilgrim,  who  retreats, 
Thus  lagging  from  his  parent  seats, 
When  the  sad  thought  pervades  his  mind, 
That  the  fair  land  he  leaves  behind 
Is  ravaged  by  a  foreign  foe, 
Its  cities  waste,  its  temples  low, 
And  ruined  all  those  haunts  of  joy 
That  gave  him  rapture  when  a  boy ; 
Turns  from  it  with  averted  eye, 
And  while  he  heaves  the  anguish'd  sigh, 
Scarce  feels  regret  that  the  loved  shore 
Shall  beam  upon  his  sight  no  more ; 
Just  so  it  grieves  my  soul  to  view, 
While  breathing  forth  a  fond  adieu, 
The  innovations  pride  has  made, 
The  fustian,  frippery,  and  parade, 
That  now  usurp  with  mawkish  grace 
Pure  tranquil  pleasure's  wonted  place  ! 

'Twas  joy  we  look'd  for  in  my  prime, 
That  idol  of  the  olden  time  ; 
When  all  our  pastimes  had  the  art 


106  SALMAGUNDI. 

To  please  and  not  mislead  the  heart. 
Style  curs'd  us  not, — that  modern  flash, 
That  love  of  racket  and  of  trash  ; 
Which  scares  at  once  all  feeling  joys, 
And  drowns  delight  in  empty  noise ; 
Which  barters  friendship,  mirth  and  truth, 
The  artless  air,  the  bloom  of  youth, 
And  all  those  gentle  sweets  that  swarm 
Round  nature  in  her  simplest  form, 
For  cold  display,  for  hollow  state, 
The  trappings  of  the  would-be  great. 

Oh !  once  again  those  days  recall, 
When  heart  met  heart  in  fashion's  hall 
When  every  honest  guest  would  flock 
To  add  his  pleasure  to  the  stock, 
More  fond  his  transports  to  express, 
Than  show  the  tinsel  of  his  dress! 
These  were  the  times  that  clasp'd  the  soul 
In  gentle  friendship's  soft  control ; 
Our  fair  ones,  unprofan'd  by  art, 
Content  to  gain  one  honest  heart, 
No  train  of  sighing  swains  desired, 
Sought  to  be  loved  and  not  admired. 
But  now  'tis  form,  not  love  unites ; 
'Tis  show,  not  pleasure  that  invites. 
Each  seeks  the  ball  to  play  the  queen, 
To  flirt,  to  conquer,  to  be  seen : 
Each  grasps  at  universal  sway, 
And  reigns  the  idol  of  the  day ; 
Exults  amid  a  thousand  sighs, 
And  triumphs  when  a  lover  dies. 
Each  belle  a  rival  belle  surveys, 
Like  deadly  foe  with  hostile  gaze ; 
Nor  can  her  "  dearest  friend"  caress, 
Till  she  has  slyly  scann'd  her  dress ; 
Ten  conquests  in  one  year  will  make, 
And  six  eternal  friendships  break  1 

How  oft  I  breathe  the  inward  sigh, 
And  feel  the  dew-drop  in  my  eye, 
When  I  behold  some  beauteous  frame, 
Divine  in  everything  but  name, 
Just  venturing,  in  the  tender  age, 
On  fashion's  late  new  fangled  stage ! 
Where  soon  the  guiltless  heart  shall  cease 
To  beat  in  artlessness  and  peace ; 
Where  all  the  flowers  of  gay  delight 
With  which  youth  decks  its  prospects  bright, 
Shall  wither  mid  the  cares,  the  strife, 
The  cold  realities  of  life ! 


SALMAGUNDI.  101 

Thus  lately,  n  my  careless  mood, 
As  I  the  world  of  fashion  view'd, 
While  celebrating  great  and  small, 
That  great  solemnity,  a  ball, 
My  roving  vision  chanced  to  light 
On  two  sweet  forms  divinely  bright ; 
Two  sister  nymphs,  alike  in  face, 
In  mien,  in  loveliness,  and  grace ; 
Twin  rosebuds,  bursting  into  bloom, 
In  all  their  brilliance  and  perfume  : 
Like  those  fair  forms  that  often  beam 
Upon  the  eastern  poet's  dream ! 
For  Eden  had  each  lovely  maid 
In  native  innocence  arrayed, — 
And  heaven  itself  had  almost  shed 
Its  sacred  halo  round  each  head ! 

They  seem'd,  just  entering  hand  in  hand, 
To  cautious  tread  this  fairy  land : 
To  take  a  timid  hasty  view, 
Enchanted  with  a  scene  so  new. 
The  modest  blush,  untaught  by  art, 
Bespoke  their  purity  of  heart ; 
And  every  timorous  act  unfuiTd 
Two  souls  unspotted  by  the  world. 

Oh,  how  these  strangers  joy'd  my  sight 
And  thrill'd  my  bosom  with  delight  I 
They  brought  the  visions  of  my  youth 
Back  to  my  soul  in  all  their  truth ; 
Uecall'd  fair  spirits  into  day, 
That  time's  rough  hand  had  swept  away ! 
Thus  the  bright  natives  from  above, 
Who  come  on  messages  of  love, 
Will  bless,  at  rare  and  distant  whiles. 
Our  sinful  dwelling  by  their  smiles  1 

Oh !  my  romance  of  youth  is  past, 
Dear  airy  dreams  too  bright  to  last ! 
Yet  when  such  forms  as  these  appear, 
I  feel  your  soft  remembrance  here ; 
For,  ah !  the  simple  poet's  heart, 
On  which  fond  love  once  play'd  its  part, 
Still  feels  the  soft  pulsations  beat, 
As  loth  to  quit  their  former  seat. 
Just  like  the  harp's  melodious  wire, 
Swept  by  a  bard  with  heavenly  tire. 
Though  ceased  the  loudly  swelling  strain, 
Yet  sweet  vibrations  long  remain. 

Full  soon  I  found  the  lovely  pair 
Had  sprung  beneath  a  mother's  care, 
Hard  by  a  neighboring  streamlet's  side, 


108  SALMAG  UKDl. 

At  onoe  its  ornament  and  pride, 
The  beauteous  parent's  tender  heart 
Had  well  fulfill'd  its  pious  part ; 
And,  like  the  holy  man  of  old, 
As  we're  by  sacred  writings  told, 
Who,  when  he  from  his  pupil  sped, 
Pour'd  two-fold  blessings  on  his  head, — 
So  this  fond  mother  had  imprest 
Her  early  virtues  in  each  breast, 
And  as  she  found  her  stock  enlarge, 
Had  stampt  new  graces  on  her  charge. 

The  fair  resign'd  the  calm  retreat, 
Where  first  their  souls  in  concert  beat, 
And  flew  on  expectation's  wing, 
To  sip  the  joys  of  life's  gay  spring ; 
To  sport  in  fashion's  splendid  maze, 
Where  friendship  fades,  and  love  decays. 
So  two  sweet  wild  flowers,  near  the  side 
Of  some  fair  river's  silver  tide, 
Pure  as  the  gentle  stream  that  laves 
The  green  banks  with  its  lucid  waves, 
Bloom  beauteous  in  their  native  ground, 
Diffusing  heavenly  fragrance  round, 
But  should  a  venturous  hand  transfer 
These  blossoms  to  the  gay  parterre, 
Where,  spite  of  artificial  aid, 
The  fairest  plants  of  nature  fade, 
Though  they  may  shine  supreme  awhile 
Mid  pale  ones  of  the  stranger  soil, 
The  tender  beauties  soon  decay, 
And  their  sweet  fragrance  dies  away. 

Blest  spirits !  who  enthroned  in  air, 
Watch  o'er  the  virtues  of  the  fair, 
And  with  angelic  ken  survey, 
Their  windings  through  life's  chequer'd  way ; 
Who  hover  round  them  as  they  glide 
Down  fashion's  smooth  deceitful  tide, 
And  guard  them  o'er  that  stormy  deep 
Where  dissipation's  tempests  sweep : 
Oh,  make  this  inexperienced  pair 
The  objects  of  your  tenderest  care. 
Preserve  them  from  the  languid  eye, 
The  faded  cheek,  the  long-drawn  sigh ; 
And  let  it  be  your  constant  aim 
To  keep  the  fair  ones  still  the  same : 
Two  sister  hearts,  unsullied,  bright 
As  the  first  beam  of  lucid  light, 
That  sparkles  from  the  youthful  sun, 
When  first  his  jocund  race  begun. 


SALMAGUNDI.  JQ9 


So  when  these  hearts  shall  burst  their  shrine, 
To  wing  their  flight  to  realms  divine, 
They  may  to  radiant  mansions  rise 
Pure  as  when  first  they  left  the  skies. 


110  SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  X.— SATURDAY,  MAY  16,  1807, 
FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

THE  long  interval  which  has  elapsed  since  the  publication  of 
our  last  number,  like  many  other  remarkable  events,  has  given 
rise  to  much  conjecture  and  excited  considerable  solicitude.  It 
is  but  a  day  or  two  since  I  heard  a  knowing  young  gentleman 
observe,  that  he  suspected  Salmagundi  would  be  a  nine  days 
wonder,  and  had  even  prophesied  that  the  ninth  would  be  our 
last  effort.  But  the  age  of  prophecy,  as  well  as  that  of  chi 
valry,  is  past;  and  no  reasonable  man  should  now  venture  to 
foretell  aught  but  what  he  is  determined  to  bring  about  himself: 
— he  may  then,  if  he  please,  monopolize  prediction,  and  be 
honored  as  a  prophet  even  in  his  own  country. 

Though  I  hold  whether  we  write,  or  not  write,  to  be  none  of 
the  public's  business,  yet  as  I  have  just  heard  of  the  loss  of  three 
thousand  votes  at  least  to  the  Clintonians,  I  feel  in  a  remarkable 
dulcet  humor  thereupon,  and  will  give  some  account  of  the 
reasons  which  induced  us  to  resume  our  useful  labors ; — or  rather 
our  amusement ;  for,  if  writing  cost  either  of  us  a  moment's  labor, 
there  is  not  a  man  but  what  would  hang  up  his  pen,  to  the  great 
detriment  of  the  world  at  large,  and  of  our  publisher  in  particular ; 
who  has  actually  bought  himself  a  pair  of  trunk  breeches,  with 
the  profits  of  our  writings ! ! 

He  informs  me  that  several  persons  having  called  last  Saturday 
for  No.  X.  took  the  disappointment  so  much  to  heart  that  he 
really  apprehended  some  terrible  catastrophe;  and  one  good- 
looking  man,  in  particular,  declared  his  intention  of  quitting  the 
country  if  the  work  was  not  continued.  Add  to  this,  the  town 
has  grown  quite  melancholy  in  the  last  fortnight ;  and  several 
young  ladies  have  declared,  in  my  hearing,  that  if  another  num 
ber  did  not  make  its  appearance  soon,  they  would  be  obliged  to 
amuse  themselves  with  teasing  their  beaux  and  making  them 
miserable.  Now  I  assure  my  readers  there  was  no  flattery  in 
this,  for  they  no  more  suspected  me  of  being  Launcelot  Langstaff, 
than  they  suspected  me  of  being  the  emperor  of  China,  or  the 
man  in  the  moon. 

I  have  also  received  several  letters  complaining  of  our  indolent 
procrastination ;  and  one  of  my  correspondents  assures  me,  that  a 
number  of  young  gentlemen,  who  had  not.  read  a  book  through 


SALMAGUXDI. 

since  they  left  school,  but  who  have  taken  a  wonderful  liking  to 
our  paper,  will  certainly  relapse  into  their  old  habits  unless°we 
go  on. 

For  the  sake,  therefore,  of  all  these  good  people,  and  most 
especially  for  the  satisfaction  of  the  ladies,  every  one  of  whom  we 
would  love,  if  we  possibly  could,  I  have  again  wielded  my  pen  with 
a  most  hearty  determination  to  set  the  whole  world  to  rights ;  to 
make  cherubims  and  seraphs  of  all  the  fair  ones  of  this  enchanting 
town,  and  raise  the  spirits  of  the  poor  federalists,  who,  in  truth, 
seem  to  be  in  a  sad  taking,  ever  since  the  American-Ticket  met 
with  the  accident  of  being  so  unhappily  thrown  out. 


LAUSTCELOT  LANGSTAFP,  ESQ 

Si  , 

I  felt  myself  hurt  and  offended  by  Mr.  Evergreen's  terrible 
philippic  against  modern  music,  in  No.  II.  of  your  work,  and  was 
under  serious  apprehension  that  his  strictures  might  bring  the  art, 
which  I  have  the  honor  to  profess,  into  contempt.  The  opinion 
of  yourself  and  fraternity  appear  indeed  to  have  a  wonderful 
effect  upon  the  town. — I  am  told  the  ladies  are  all  employed  in 
reading  Bunyan  and  Pamela,  and  the  waltz  has  been  entirely 
forsaken  ever  since  the  winter  balls  have  closed.  Under  these 
apprehensions  I  should  have  addressed  you  before,  had  I  not 
been  sedulously  employed,  while  the  theatre  continued  open,  in 
supporting  the  astonishing  variety  of  the  orchestra,  and  in  com 
posing  a  new  chime  or  Bob-Major  for  Trinity  Church,  to  be  rung 
during  the  summer,  beginning  with  ding-dong  di-do,  instead  of 
di-do  ding-dong.  The  citizens,  especially  those  who  live  in  the 
neighborhood  of  that  harmonious  quarter,  will,  no  doubt,  be  infi 
nitely  delighted  with  this  novelty. 

But  to  the  object  of  this  communication.  So  far,  sir,  from 
agreeing  with  Mr.  Evergreen  in  thinking  that  all  modern  music 
is  but  the  mere  dregs  and  draining^  of  the  ancient,  I  trust,  before 
this  letter  is  concluded,  I  shall  convince  you  and  him  that  some 
of  the  late  professors  of  this  enchanting  art  have  completely  dis 
tanced  the  paltry  efforts  of  the  ancients';  and  that  I,  in  particular, 
have  at  length  brought  it  almost  to  absolute  perfection. 

The  Greeks,  simple  souls  1  were  astonished  at  the  powers  of 
Orpheus,  who  made  the  woods  and  rocks  dance  to  his  ,[yre ; — of 
Amphion  who  converted  crotchets  into  bricks,  and  quavers  into 
mortar ; — and  of  Arion  whp  won  upon  the  compassion  of  the 
fishes.  In  the  fervency  of  admiration,  their  poets  fabled  that 
Apollo  had  lent  them  bis  lyre,  and  inspired  them  with  his  own 


112\  SALMAGUNDI. 

spirit  of  harmony.  What  then  would  they  have  said  had  they 
witnessed  the  wonderful  effects  of  my  skill  ?  had  they  heard  me 
in  the  compass  of  a  single  piece,  describe  in  glowing  notes  one  of 
the  most  sublime  operations  of  nature ;  and  not  only  make  inani 
mate  objects  dance,  but  even  speak;  and  not  only  speak,  but 
speak  in  strains  of  exquisite  harmony  ? 

Let  me  not,  however,  be  understood  to  say  that  I  am  the  sole 
author  of  this  extraordinary  improvement  in  the  art,  for  I  confess 
I  took  the  hint  of  many  of  my  discoveries  from  some  of  those  me 
ritorious  productions  that  have  lately  come  abroad  and  made  so 
much  noise  under  the  title  of  overtures.  From  some  of  these,  as, 
for  instance,  Lodoiska,  and  the  battle  of  Marengo,  a  gentleman,  or 
a  captain  in  the  city  militia,  or  an  amazonian  young  lady,  may  in 
deed  acquire  a  tolerable  idea  of  military  tactics,  and  become  very 
well  experienced  in  the  firing  of  musketry,  the  roaring  of  cannon, 
the  rattling  of  drums,  the  whistling  of  fifes,  braying  of  trumpets, 
groans  of  the  dying,  and  trampling  of  cavalry,  without  ever  .going 
to  the  wars ;  but  it  is  more  especially  in  the  art  of  imitating  ini 
mitable  things,  and  giving  the  language  of  every  passion  and  sen 
timent  of  the  human  mind,  so  as  entirely  to  do  away  the  neces 
sity  of  speech,  that  I  particularly  excel  the  most  celebrated  musi 
cians  of  ancient  and  modern  times. 

I  think,  sir,  I  may  venture  to  say  there  is  not  a  sound  in  the 
whole  compass  of  nature  which  I  cannot  imitate,  and  even  im 
prove  upon ; — nay,  what  I  consider  the  perfection  of  my  art,  I 
have  discovered  a  method  of  expressing,  in  the  most  striking 
manner,  that  undefmable,  indescribable  silence  which  accompa 
nies  the  falling  of  snow. 

In  order  to  prove  to  you  that  I  do  not  arrogate  to  myself  what 
I  am  unable  to  perform,  I  will  detail  to  you  the  different  move 
ments  of  a  grand  piece,  which  I  pride  myself  upon  exceedingly, 
called  the  "Breaking  up  of  the  Ice  in  the  North  River." 

The  piece  opens  with  a  gentle  andante  affetuosso,  which  ushers 
you  into  the  Assembly-room  in  the  State-house  at  Albany,  where 
the  speaker  addresses  his  farewell  speech,  informing  the  members 
that  the  ice  is  about  breaking  up,  and  thanking  them  for  their 
great  services  and  good  behavior  in  a  manner  so  pathetic  as 
to  bring  tears  into  their  eyes. — Flourish  of  Jack-a-donkies. — Ice 
cracks;  Albany  in  a  hubbub: — air,  "Three  children  sliding  on 
the  ice,  all  on  a  summer's  day." — Citizens  quarrelling  in  Dutch ; — 
— chorus  of  a  tin  trumpet,  a  cracked  fiddle,  and  a  hand-saw ! — 
allegro  moderate. — Hard  frost: — this,  if  given  with  proper  spirit, 
has  a  charming  effect,  and  sets  everybody's  teeth  chattering. — 
Symptoms  of  snow — consultation  of  old  women  who  complain 
of  pains  in  the  bones  and  rheumatics ; — air,  "  There  was  an  old 
woman  tossed  up  in  a  blanket,"  &c., — allegro  staccato;  wagou 
breaks  into  the  ice : — people  all  run  to  see  what  is  the  matter ; — 
air,  siciliano — "Can  you  row  the  boat  ashore,  Billy  boy,  Billy 
boy:" — andante; — frost  fish  froze  up  in  the  ice: — air — "Ho,  why 


SALMAGUNDI.  f     113 

dost  thou  shiver  and  shake,  Gaffer  Gray,  and  why  does  thy  noso 
look  so  blue  ?" — Flourish  of  twopenny  trumpets  and  rattles ; — 
consultation  of  the  North  River  Society; — determine  to  set  the 
North  River  on  fire,  as  soon  as  it  will  burn  ; — air — "  0,  what  a 
fine  kettle  of  fish." 

Part  II. — GRK^T  T.fyuv. — This  consists  of  the  most  melting, 
strains,  flowing  so  smoothly  as  to  occasion  a  great  overflowing  of 
scientific  rapture ;  air — "  One  misty  moisty  morning."  The  House 
of  Assembly  breaks  up — air — "The  owls  came  out  and  flew 
about." — Assembly-men  embark  on  their  way  to  New  York — air 
— "  The  ducks  and  the  geese  they  all  swim  over,  fal,  de  ral,"  &c. 
— Vessel  sets  sail — chorus  of  mariners — "Steer  her  up,  and  let 
her  gang."  After  this  a  rapid  movement  conducts  you  to  New 
York ; — the  North  River  Society  hold  a  meeting  at  the  corner  of 
Wall  Street,  and  determine  to  delay  burning  till  all  the  Assem 
bly-men  are  safe  home,  for  fear  of  consuming  some  of  their  own 
members,  who  belong  to  that  respectable  body.  Return  again  to 
the  capital. — Ice  floats  down  the  river ; — lamentation  of  skaters ; 
air,  affetuosso — "  I  sigh  and  lament  me  in  vain,"  &c. — Albanians 
cutting  up  sturgeon : — air — "  0  the  roast  beef  of  Albany." — Ice 
runs  against  Polopoy's  island  with  a  terrible  crash. — This  is  re 
presented  by  a  fierce  fellow  travelling  with  his  fiddlestick  over  a 
huge  bass  viol,  at  the  rate  of  one  hundred  and  fifty  bars  a  minute, 
and  tearing  the  music  to  rags ;  this  being  what  is  called  execu 
tion.  The  great  body  of  ice  passes  West  Point,  and  is  saluted  by 
three  or  four  dismounted  cannon  from  Fort  Putnam. — "  Jefferson's 
March"  by  a  full  band; — air,  "Yankee  doodle,"  with  seventy-six 
variations,  never  before  attempted,  except  by  the  celebrated 
eagle  which  flutters  his  wings  over  the  copper-bottomed  angel  at 
Messrs.  Paff  s  in  Broadway.  Ice  passes  New  York ;  conch-shell 
sounds  at  a  distance — ferrymen  call  o-v-e-r; — people  run  down 
Courtlandt  Street — ferry-boat  sets  sail — air — accompanied  by  the 
conch-shell — "  We'll  all  go  over  the  ferry." — Rondeau — giving  a 
particular  account  of  BROM  the  Powles-hook  admiral,  who  is  sup 
posed  to  be  closely  connected  with  the  North  River  Society. — 
The  Society  make  a  grand  attempt  to  fire  the  stream,  but  are 
utterly  defeated  by  a  remarkable  high  tide,  which  brings  the  plot 
to  light; — drowns  upwards  of  a  thousand  rats,  and  occasions 
twenty  robins  to  break  their  necks.* — Society  not  being  discou 
raged,  apply  to  "  Common  Sense"  for  his  lantern ; — air — "  Nose, 
nose,  jolly  red  nose."  Flock  of  wild  geese  fly  over  the  city ; — 
old  wives  chatter  in  the  fog ; — cocks  crow  at  Communipaw — 
drums  beat  on  Governor's  Island. — The  whole  to  conclude  with 
the  blowing  up  of  Sands'  powder-house. 

Thus,  sir,  you  perceive  what  wonderful  powers  of  expression 
have  been  hitherto  locked  up  in  this  enchanting  art : — a  whole 
history  is  here  told  without  the  aid  of  speech,  or  writing ;  and 

*  t>id&— Solomon  Lang. 


114  SALMAGUNDI. 

provided  the  hearer  is  in  the  least  acquainted  with  music,  he 
cannot  mistake  a  single  note.  As  to  the  blowing  up  of  the  powder 
house,  I  look  upon  it  as  a  chef  d'ceuvre,  which  I  am  confident  will 
delight  all  modern  amateurs,  who  very  properly  estimate  music  in 
proportion  to  the  noise  it  makes,  and  delight  in  thundering  cannon 
and  earthquakes. 

I  must  confess,  however,  it  is  a  very  difficult  part  to  manage, 
and  I  have  already  broken  six  pianoes  in  giving  it  the  proper  force 
and  effect.  But  I  do  not  despair,  and  am  quite  certain  that  by 
the  time  I  have  broken  eight  or  ten  more  I  shall  have  brought  it 
to  such  perfection,  as  to  be  able  to  teach  any  young  lady  of  tolera 
ble  ear,  to  thunder  it  away  to  the  infinite  delight  of  papa  and 
mamma,  and  the  great  annoyance  of  those  Vandals,  who  are  so  bar 
barous  as  to  prefer  the  simple  melody  of  a  Scots  air,  to  the  sublime 
effusions  of  modern  musical  doctors. 

In  my  warm  anticipations  of  future  improvement  I  have  some 
times  almost  convinced  myself  that  music  will,  in  time,  be  brought 
to  such  a  climax  of  perfection  as  to  supersede  the  necessity  of 
speech  and  writing ;  and  every  kind  of  social  intercourse  be  con 
ducted  by  the  flute  and  fiddle. — The  immense  benefits  that  will 
result  from  this  improvement  must  be  plain  to  every  man  of  the 
least  consideration.  In  the  present  unhappy  situation  of  mortals, 
a  man  has  but  one  way  of  making  himself  perfectly  understood  ; 
if  he  loses  his  speech,  he  must  inevitably  be  dumb  all  the  rest  of 
his  life;  but  having  once  learned  this  new  musical  language,  the 
loss  of  speech  will  be  a  mere  trifle  not  worth  a  moment's  uneasiness. 
Not  only  this,  Mr.  L.,  but  it  will  add  much  to  the  harmony  of  do 
mestic  intercourse ;  for  it  is  certain!}'  much  more  agreeable  to  hear 
a  lady  give  lectures  on  the  piano  than,  viva  voce,  in  the  usual  dis 
cordant  measure.  This  manner  of  discoursing  may  also,  I  think,  be 
introduced  with  great  effect  into  our  national  assemblies,  where 
every  man  instead  of  wagging  his  tongue,  should  be  obliged  to 
flourish  a  fiddle-stick,  by  which  means,  if  lie  said  nothing  to  the 
purpose,  he  would  at  all  events  "  discourse  most  eloquent  music," 
which  is  more  than  can  be  said  of  most  of  them  at  present.  They 
might  also  sound  their  own  trumpets  without  being  obliged  to  a 
hireling  scribbler,  for  an  immortality  of  nine  days,  or  subjected  to 
the  censure  of  egotism. 

But  the  most  important  result  of  this  discovery  is  that  it  may 
be  applied  to  the  establishment  of  that  great  desideratum,  in  the 
learned  world,  a  universal  language.  Wherever  this  science  of 
music  is  cultivated,  nothing  more  will  be  necessary  than  a  know 
ledge  of  its  alphabet;  which,  being  almost  the  same  every  where, 
will  amount  to  a  universal  medium  of  communication.  A  man 
may  thus,  with  his  violin  under  his  arm,  a  piece  of  rosin,  and  a 
few  bundles  of  catgut,  fiddle  his  way  through  the  world,  and 
never  be  at  a  loss  to  make  himself  understood. 
lam  &a 

DEMY  SBMIQUAVEB. 


SALMAGUNDI.  115 


NOTE  BY  THE  PUBLISHER. 

Without  the  knowledge  or  permission  of  the  authors,  and  which,  if  he  dared, 
he  would  have  placed  near  where  their  remarks  are  made  on  the  great 
difference  of  manners  which  exists  between  the  sexes  now,  from  what  it 
did  in  the  days  of  our  grandames.  The  danger  of  that  cheek-by-jowl 
familiarity  of  the  present  day,  must  be  obvious  to  many  ;  and  I  think  the 
following  a  strong  example  of  one  of  its  evils. 


EXTRACTED   FROM    "THE  MIRROR   OF  THE   GRACES." 

"  I  remember  the  Count  M ,  one  of  the  most  accomplished 

and  handsomest  young  men  in  Vienna  :  when  I  was  there,  he 
was  passionately  in  love  wilh  a  girl  of  almost  peerless  beauty. 
She  was  the  daughter  of  a  man  of  great  rank,  and  great  influence 
at  court ;  and  on  these  considerations,  as  well  as  in  regard  to  her 
charms,  she  was  followed  by  a  multitude  of  suitors.  She  was 
lively  and  amiable,  and  treated  them  all  with  an  affability  which 
still  kept  them  in  her  train,  although  it  was  generally  known  she 

had  avowed  a  partiality  for  Count  M ;  and  that  preparations 

were  making  for  their  nuptials.  The  Count  was  of  a  refined 
mind,  and  a  delicate  sensibility  ;  he  loved  her  for  herself  alone  : 
for  the  virtues  which  he  believed  dwelt  in  her  beautiful  form  ; 
and  like  a  lover  of  such  perfections,  he  never  approached  her  with 
out  timidity  :  and  when  he  touched  her,  a  fire  shot  through  his 
veins,  that  warned  him  not  to  invade  the  vermilion  sanctuary 
of  her  lips.  Such  were  his  feelings  when,  one  evening,  at  his 
intended  father-in-law's,  a  party  of  young  people  were  met  to 
celebrate  a  certain  festival ;  several  of  the  young  lady's  rejected 
suitors  were  present.  Forfeits  were  one  of  the  pastimes,  and  all 
went  on  with  the  greatest  merriment,  till  the  Count  was  com 
manded,  by  some  witty  marriselle,  to  redeem  his  glove  by  salut 
ing  the  cheek  of  his  intended  bride.  The  Count  blushed,  trem 
bled,  advanced,  retreated ;  again  advanced  to  his  mistress  ; — and, 
— at  last, — with  a  tremor  that  shook  his  whole  soul,  and  every 
fibre  of  his  frame,  with  a  modest  and  diffident  grace,  he  took  the 
soft  ringlet  which  played  upon  her  cheek,  pressed  it  to  his  lips, 
and  retired  to  demand  his  redeemed  pledge  in  the  most  evident 
contusion.  His  mistress  gaily  smiled,  and  the  game  went  on. 

One  of  her  rejected  suitors  who  was  of  a  merry,  unthinking  dis 
position,  was  adjudged  by  the  same  indiscreet  crier  of  the  forfeits 
as  "  his  last  treat  before  he  hanged  himself  "  to  snatch  a  kiss 
from  the  object  of  his  recent  vows.  A  lively  contest  ensued 
between  the  gentleman  and  lady,  which  lasted  for  more  than  a 
miaure;  but  the  lady  yielded,  though  in  the  midst  of  a  convulsive 
laugh. 

The  Count  had  the  mortification — the  agony — to  see  the  lip^ 


116  SALMAGUNDI. 

which  his  passionate  and  delicate  love  would  not  permit  him  to 
touch,  kissed  with  roughness,  and  repetition,  by  another  man  : 
— even  by  one  whom  he  really  despised.  Mournfully  and  silent 
ly,  without  a  word,  he  rose  from  his  chair — left  the  room  and  the 
house.  By  that  good  natured  kiss  the  fair  boast  of  Vienna  lost 
her  lover— lost  her  husband.  THE  COUNT  NEVER  SAAV  HEU 

MORE." 


SALMAGUNDI.  /1 17 


•  ' 

•  • 


NO.  XL—  TUESDAY,  JULY  2,  1807. 
LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELI  KHAN, 

CAPTAIN  OF  A  KETCH,  TO  ASEM  HACCHEM,  PRINCIPAL  SLAVE- 
DRIVER  TO  HIS  HIGHNESS  THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

THE  deep  shadows  of  midnight  gather  around  me  ;  the  foot 
steps  of  the  passengers  have  ceased  in  the  streets,  and  nothing 
disturbs  the  holy  silence  of  the  hour  save  the  sound  of  the  distant 
drums,  mingled  with  the  shouts,  the  bawlings,  and  the  discordant 
revelry  of  his  majesty,  the  sovereign  mob.  Let  the  hour  be 
sacred  to  friendship,  and  consecrated  to  thee,  oh  thou  brother  of 
my  inmost  soul  ! 

Oh,  Asem  !  I  almost  shrink  at  the  recollection  of  the  scenes  of 
confusion,  of  licentious  disorganization  which  I  have  witnessed 
during  the  last  three  days.  I  have  beheld  this  whole  city,  nay  this 
whole  state,  given  up  to  the  tongue  and  the  pen  ;  to  the  puffers, 
the  bawlers.  the  babblers,  and  the  slang-  whangers.  I  have  beheld 
the  community  convrulsed  with  a  civil  war,  or  civil  talk  ;  individuals 
verbally  massacred,  families  annihilated  by  whole  sheets  full,  and 
slang-  whangers  coolly  bathing  their  pens  in  ink  and  rioting  in  the 
slaughter  of  their  thousands.  I  have  seen,  in  short,  that  awful 
despot,  the  people,  in  the  moment  of  unlimited  power  wielding 
newspapers  in  one  hand,  and  with  the  other  scattering  mud  and 
filth  about,  like  some  desperate  lunatic  relieved  from  the  restraints 
of  his  straight  waistcoat.  I  have  seen  beggars  on  horseback, 
ragamuffins  riding  in  coaches,  and  swine  seated  in  places  of 
honor  ;  I  have  seen  liberty  ;  I  have  seen  equality  ;  I  have  seen 
fraternity!  I  have  seen  that  great  political  puppet-show  —  AN 

ELECTION. 

A  few  days  ago  the  friend,  whom  I  have  mentioned  in  some  of 
my  former  letters,  called  upon  me  to  accompany  him  to  witness 
this  grand  ceremony  ;  and  we  forthwith  sallied  out  to  the  polls, 
as  he  called  them.  Though  for  several  weeks  before  this  splendid 
exhibition,  nothing  else  had  been  talked  of,  yet  I  do  assure  thee 
I  was  entirely  ignorant  of  its  nature  ;  and  when,  on  coming  up 
to  a  church,  my  companion  informed  me  we  were  at  the  poll,  I 
supposed  that  an  election  was  some  great  religious  ceremony  like 
the  fast  of  Ramazan,  or  the  great  festival  of  Haraphat,  so  cele 
brated  in  the  east. 


118  SALMAGUNDI. 

My  friend,  however,  undeceived  me  at  once,  and  entered  into 
a  long  dissertation  on  the  nature  and  object  of  an  election,  the 
substance  of  which  was  nearly  to  this  effect :  "You  know,"  said 
he,  "  that  this  country  is  engaged  in  a  violent  internal  warfare, 
and  suffers  a  variety  of  evils  from  civil  dissensions,  ^^in  election 
is  the  grand  trial  of  strength,  the  decisive  battle  when  the  belli 
gerents  draw  out  their  forces  in  martial  array ;  when  every  leader 
burning  with  warlike  ardor,  and  encouraged  by  the  shouts  and 
acclamations  of  tatterdemalions,  buffoons,  dependents,  parasites, 
toad-eaters,  scrubs,  vagrants,  mumpers,  ragamuffins,  bravoes,  and 
beggars,  in  his  rear ;  and  puffed  up  by  his  bellows-blowing  slang- 
whangers,  waves  gallantly  the  banners  of  faction,  and  presses 
forward  TO  OFFICE  AND  IMMORTALITY  ! 

"  For  a  month  or  two  previous  to  the  critical  period  which  is 
to  decide  this  important  affair,  the  whole  community  is  in  a  fer 
ment.  Every  man  of  whatever  rank  or  degree,  such  is  the  won 
derful  patriotism  of  the  people,  disinterestedly  neglects  his  busi 
ness  to  devote  himself  to  his  country ;  and  not  an  insignificant 
fellow,  but  feels  himself  inspired,  on  this  occasion,  with  as  much 
warmth  in  favor  of  the  cause  he  has  espoused,  as  if  all  the  com 
fort  of  his  life,  or  even  his  life  itself,  was  dependent  on  the  issue. 
Grand  councils  of  war  are,  in  the  first  place,  called  by  the  differ 
ent  powers,  which  are  dubbed  general  meetings,  where  all  the 
head  workmen  of  the  party  collect,  and  arrange  the  order  of 
battle  ; — appoint  the  different  commanders,  and  their  subordinate 
instruments,  and  furnish  the  funds  indispensable  for  supplying 
the  expenses  of  the  war.  Inferior  councils  are  next  called  in  the 
different  classes  or  wards,  consisting  of  young  cadets,  who  are 
candidates  for  offices ;  idlers  who  come  there  for  mere  curiosity  ; 
and  orators  who  appear  for  the  purpose  of  detailing  all  the  crimes, 
the  faults,  or  the  weaknesses  of  their  opponents,  and  speaking  the 
sense  of  the  meeting,  as  it  is  called  ;  for  as  the  meeting  generally 
consists  of  men  whose  quota  of  sense,  taken  individually,  would 
make  but  a  poor  figure,  these  orators  are  appointed  to  collect  it  all 
in  a  lump ;  when  I  assure  you  it  makes  a  very  formidable  appear 
ance,  and  furnishes  sufficient  matter  to  spin  an  oration  of  two  or 
three  hours. 

"  The  orators  who  declaim  at  these  meetings  are,  with  a  few 
exceptions,  men  of  most  profound  and  perplexed  eloquence ;  who 
are  the  oracles  of  barbers'  shops,  market  places,  and  porter-houses ; 
and  who  you  may  see  every  day  at  the  corners  of  the  streets, 
taking  honest  men  prisoners  by  the  button,  and  talking  their  ribs 
quite  bare  without  mercy  and  without  end.  These  orators,  in 
addressing  an  audience,  generally  mount  a  chair,  a  table,  or  an 
empty  beer  barrel,  which  last  is  supposed  to  afford  considerable 
inspiration,  and  thunder  away  their  combustible  sentiments  at  the 
heads  of  the  audience,  who  are  generally  so  busily  employed  in 
smoking,  drinking,  and  hearing  themselves  talk,  that  they  seldom 
hear  a  word  of  the  matter.  This,  however,  is  of  little  moment ; 


SALMAGUNDI  119 

for  as  they  come  there  to  agree  at  all  events  to  a  certain  set  of 
resolutions,  or  articles  of  war,  it  is  not  at  all  necessary  to  hear  the 
speech  ;  more  especially  as  few  would  understand  it  if  they  did. 
Do  not  suppose,  however,  that  the  minor  persons  of  the  meeting 
are  entirely  idle. — Besides  smoking  and  drinking,  which  are  gene 
rally  practised,  there  are  few  who  do  not  come  with  as  great  a 
desire  to  talk  as  the  orator  himself;  each  has  his  little  circle  of 
listeners,  in  the  midst  of  whom  he  sets  his  hat  on  one  side  of  his 
head,  and  deals  out  matter-of-fact  information ;  and  draws  self- 
evident  conclusions,  with  the  pertinacity  of  a  pedant,  and  to  the 
great  edification  of  his  gaping  auditors.  Nay,  the  very  urchins 
from  the  nursery,  who  are  scarcely  emancipated  from  the  domi 
nion  of  birch,  on  these  occasions,  strut  pigmy  great  men ; — bellow 
for  the  instruction  of  gray-bearded  ignorance,  and,  like  the  frog 
in  the  fable,  endeavor  to  puff  themselves  up  to  the  size  of  the 
great  object  of  their  emulation — the  principal  orator." 

"But  is  it  not  preposterous  to  a  degree,"  cried  I,  "for  those 
puny  whipsters  to  attempt  to  lecture  age  and  experience  ?  They 
should  be  sent  to  school  to  learn  better."  "Not  at  all,"  replied 
my  friend;  "for  as  an  election  is  nothing  more  than  a  war  of 
words,  the  man  that  can  wag  his  tongue  with  the  greatest  elas 
ticity,  whether  he  speaks  to  the  purpose  or  not,  is  entitled  to  lec 
ture  at  ward  meetings  and  polls,  and  instruct  all  who  are  inclined 
to  listen  to  him :  you  may  have  remarked  a  ward  meeting  of  politic 
dogs,  where  although  the  great  dog  is,  ostensibly,  the  leader,  and 
makes  the  most  noise,  yet  every  little  scoundrel  of  a  cur  has  some 
thing  to  say ;  and  in  proportion  to  his  insignificance,  fidgets,  and 
worries,  and  puffs  about  mightily,  in  order  to  obtain  the  notice  and 
approbation  of  his  betters."  Thus  it  is  with  these  little,  beard 
less,  bread-and-butter  politicians  who,  on  this  occasion,  escape 
from  the  jurisdiction  of  their  mammas  to  attend  to  the  affairs  of 
the  nation.  You  will  see  them  engaged  in  dreadful  wordy  con 
test  with  old  cartmen,  cobblers,  and  tailors,  and  plume  themselves 
not  a  little  if  they  should  chance  to  gain  a  victory. — Aspiring  spi 
rits  !  how  interesting  are  the  first  dawnings  of  political  greatness ! 
an  election,  my  friend,  is  a  nursery  or  hot-bed  of  genius  in  a  logo- 
cracy ;  and  I  look  with  enthusiasm  on  a  troop  of  these  Lilliputian 
partizans,  as  so  many  chatterers,  and  orators  and  puffers,  and 
slang-whangers  in  embryo,  who  will  one  day  take  an  important 
part  in  the  quarrels,  and  wordy  wars  of  their  country. 

"  As  the  time  for  fighting  the  decisive  battle  approaches,  ap 
pearances  become  more  and  more  alarming ;  committees  are 
appointed,  who  hold  little  encampments  from  whence  they  send 
out  small  detachments  of  tattlers,  to  reconnoitre,  harass,  and  skir 
mish  with  the  enemy,  and  if  possible,  ascertain  their  numbers ; 
everybody  seems  big  with  the  mighty  event  that  is  impending ; 
the  orators  they  grad'ially  swell  up  beyond  their  usual  size ;  the 
little  orators  they  grow  greater  and  greater ;  the  secretaries  of  the 
ward  committees  strut  about  looking  like  wooden  oracles ;  tho 


120  SALMAGUNDI. 

puffers  put  on  the  airs  of  mighty  consequence ;  the  slang-whang- 
ers  deal  out  direful  inuendoes,  and  threats  of  doughty  import ; 
and  all  is  buzz,  murmur,  suspense,  and  sublimity ! 

"  At  length  the  day  arrives.  The  storm  that  has  been  so  long 
gathering  and  threatening  in  distant  thunders,  bursts  forth  in  ter 
rible  explosion ;  all  business  is  at  an  end ;  the  whole  city  is  in  a 
tumult ;  the  people  are  running  helter-skelter,  they  know  not 
whither,  and  they  know  not  why:  the  hackney  coaches  rattle 
through  the  streets  with  thundering  vehemence,  loaded  with 
recruiting  Serjeants  who  have  been  prowling  in  cellars  and  caves, 
to  unearth  some  miserable  minion  of  poverty  and  ignorance,  who 
will  barter  his  vote  for  a  glass  of  beer,  or  a  ride  in  a  coach  with 
such  fine  gentlemen! — the  buzzards  of  the  party  scamper  from  poll 
to  poll,  on  foot  or  on  horseback ;  and  they  worry  from  committee 
to  committee,  and  buzz,  and  fume,  and  talk  big,  and — do  nothing  : 
like  the  vagabond  drone,  who  wastes  his  time  in  the  laborious 
idleness  of  see-saw-song,  and  busy  nothingness." 

I  know  not  how  long  my  friend  would  have  continued  his 
detail,  had  he  not  been  interrupted  by  a  squabble  which  took 
place  between  two  old  continentals,  as  they  were  called.  It  seems 
they  had  entered  into  an  argument  on  the  respective  merits  of 
their  cause,  and  not  being  able  to  make  each  other  clearly  under 
stood,  resorted  to  what  is  called  knock-down  arguments,  which 
form  the  superlative  degree  of  argumentum  ad  hominem;  but  are,  in 
my  opinion,  extremely  inconsistent  with  the  true  spirit  of  a  genu 
ine  logocracy.  After  they  had  beaten  each  other  soundly,  and 
set  the  whole  mob  together  by  the  ears,  they  came  to  a  full  expla 
nation  ;  when  it  was  discovered  that  they  were  both  of  the  same 
way  of  thinking ; — whereupon  they  shook  each  other  heartily  by 
the  hand,  and  laughed  with  great  glee  at  their  humorous  misun 
derstanding. 

I  could  not  help  being  struck  with  the  exceeding  great  number 
of  ragged,  dirty  looking  persons  that  swaggered  about  the  place, 
and  seemed  to  think  themselves  the  bashaws  of  the  land.  I  in 
quired  of  my  friend  if  these  people  were  employed  to  drive  away 
the  hogs,  dogs,  and  other  intruders  that  might  thrust  themselves 
in  and  interrupt  the  ceremony?  "By  no  means,"  replied  he; 
"  these  are  the  representatives  of  the  sovereign  people,  who 
come  here  to  make  governors,  senators,  and  members  of  as 
sembly,  and  are  the  source  of  all  power  and  authority  in  tins 
nation."  "Preposterous!"  said  I,  "how  is  it  possible  that  such 
men  can  be  capable  of  distinguishing  between  an  honest  man  and 
a  knave ;  or,  even  if  they  were,  will  it  not  always  happen  that 
they  are  led  by  the  nose  by  some  intriguing  demagogue,  and  made 
the  mere  tools  of  ambitious  political  jugglers  ?  Surely  it  would 
be  better  to  trust  to  providence,  or  even  to  chance,  for  governors, 
than  resort  to  the  discriminating  powers  of  an  ignorant  mob.  I 
plainly  perceive  the  consequence.  A  man,  who  possesses  supe 
rior  talents,  and  that  honest  pride  which  ever  accompanies  this 


SALMAGUNDI.  121 

possession,  will  always  be  sacrificed  to  some  creeping  insect  who 
Avill  prostitute  himself  to  familiarity  with  the  lowest  of  mankind; 
and,  like  the  idolatrous  Egyptian,  worship  the  wallowing  tenants 
of  tilth  and  mire." 

"  All  this  is  true  enough,"  replied,  my  friend,  "  but  after  all,  yo\i 
cannot  say  but  that  this  is  a  free  country,  and  that  the  people  can 
get  drunk  cheaper  here,  particularly  at  elections,  than  in  the 
despotic  countries  of  the  east."  I  could  not,  with  any  degree  of 
propriety  or  truth,  deny  this  last  assertion ;  for  just  at  that  mo 
ment  a  patriotic  brewer  arrived  with  a  loa<}  of  beer,  which,  for  a 
moment,  occasioned  a  cessation  of  argument.  The  great  crowd 
of  buzzards,  puffers,  and  "old  continentals"  of  all  parties,  who 
throng  to  the  polls,  to  persuade,  to  cheat,  or  to  force  the  freehold 
ers  into  the  right  way,  and  to  maintain  the  freedom  of  suffrage, 
seemed  for  a  moment  to  forget  their  antipathies  and  joined  heartily 
in  a  copious  libation  of  this  patriotic  and  argumentative  beverage. 

These  beer-barrels,  indeed,  seem  to  be  most  able  logicians,  well 
stored  with  that  kind  of  sound  argument  best  suited  to  the  com 
prehension,  and  most  relished  by  the  mob,  or  sovereign  people, 
who  are  never  so  tractable  as  when  operated  upon  by  this  con 
vincing  liquor,  which,  in  fact,  seems  to  be  imbued  with  the  veiy 
spirit  of  a  logocracy.  No  sooner  does  it  begin  its  operation,  than 
the  tongue  waxes  exceeding  valorous,  and  becomes  impatient  for 
some  mighty  conflict.  The  puffer  puts  himself  at  the  head  of  his 
body-guard  of  buzzards,  and  his  legion  of  ragamuffins,  and  woe 
then  to  every  unhappy  adversary  who  is  uninspired  by  the  deity 
of  the  beer-barrel — he  is  sure  to  be  talked,  and  argued,  into  com 
plete  insignificance. 

While  I  was  making  these  observations,  I  was  surprised  to  ob 
serve  a  bashaw,  high  in  office,  shaking  a  fellow  by  the  hand,  that 
looked  rather  more  ragged  than  a  scarecrow,  and  inquiring  with 
apparent  solicitude  concerning  the  health  of  his  family;  after 
which  he  slipped  a  little  folded  paper  into  his  hand  and  turned 
away.  I  could  not  help  applauding  his  humility  in  shaking  the 
fellow's  hand,  and  his  benevolence  in  relieving  his  distresses,  for  I 
imagined  the  paper  contained  something  for  the  poor  man's  neces 
sities  ;  and  truly  he  seemed  verging  towards  the  last  stage  of 
starvation.  My  friend,  however,  soon  undeceived  me  by  saying 
that  this  was  an  elector,  and  that  the  bashaw  had  merely  given 
him  the  list  of  candidates  for  whom  he  was  to  vote.  "  Ho  1  ho  I" 
said  I,  "  then  he  is  a  particular  friend  of  the  bashaw  ?"  u  By  no 
means,"  replied  my  friend,  "the  bashaw  will  pass  him  without 
notice,  the  day  after  the  election,  except,  perhaps,  just  to  drive 
over  him  with  his  coach." 

My  friend  then  proceeded  to  inform  me  that  for  some  time 
before,  and  during  the  continuance  of  an  election,  there  was  a 
most  delectable  courtship,  or  intrigue,  carried  on  between  the 
great  bashaws  and  the  mother  mob.  That  mother  mob  generally 
preferred  the  attentions  of  the  rabble,  or  of  fellows  of  her  own 


122  SALMAGUNDI. 

stamp ;  but  would  sometimes  condescend  to  be  treated  to  a  feast 
ing,  or  anything  of  that  kind  at  the  bashaw's  expense !  nay,  some 
times  when  she  was  in  good  humor,  she  would  condescend  to  toy 
with  him  in  her  rough  way ;  but  woe  be  to  the  bashaw  who  at 
tempted  to  be  familiar  with  her,  for  she  was  the  most  pestilent, 
cross,  crabbed,  scolding,  thieving,  scratching,  toping,  wrong- 
headed,  rebellious,  and  abominable  termagant,  that  ever  was  let 
loose  in  the  world  to  the  confusion  of  honest  gentlemen  bashaws. 

Just  then  a  fellow  came  round  and  distributed  among  the 
crowd  a  number  of  hand-bills,  written  by  the  ghost  of  Washington, 
the  fame  of  whose  illustrious  actions,  and  still  more  illustrious 
virtues,  has  reached  even  the  remotest  regions  of  the  east,  and 
who  is  venerated  by  this  people  as  the  Father  of  his  country. 
On  reading  this  paltry  paper,  1  could  not  restrain  my  indignation. 
"Insulted  hero,"  cried  I,  "is  it  thus  thy  name  is  profaned,  thy 
memory  disgraced,  thy  spirit  drawn  down  from  heaven  to  adminis 
ter  to  the  brutal  violence  of  party  rage ! — It  is  thus  the  necro 
mancers  of  the  east,  by  their  infernal  incantations,  sometimes  call 
up  the  shades  of  the  just,  to  give  their  sanction  to  frauds,  to  lies, 
and  to  every  species  of  enormity."  My  friend  smiled  at  my 
warmth,  and  observed,  that  raising  ghosts,  and  not  only  raising 
them  but  making  them  speak,  was  one  of  the  miracles  of  election, 
"  And  believe  me,"  continued  he,  "  there  is  good  reason  for  the 
ashes  of  departed  heroes  being  disturbed  on  these  occasions,  for 
such  is  the  sandy  foundation  of  our  government,  that  there  never 
happens  an  election  of  an  alderman,  or  a  collector,  or  even  a  con 
stable,  but  we  are  in  imminent  danger  of  losing  our  liberties,  and 
becoming  a  province  of  France,  or  tributary  to  the  British  islands." 
"  By  the'  hump  of  Mahomet's  camel,"  said  I,  "  but  this  is  only 
another  striking  example  of  the  prodigious  great  scale  on  which 
every  thing  is  transacted  in  this  country!" 

By  this  time  I  had  become  tired  of  the  scene ;  my  head  ached 
with  the  uproar  of  voices,  mingling  in  all  the  discordant  tones  of 
triumphant  exclamation,  nonsensical  argument,  intemperate 
reproach,  and  drunken  absurdity.  The  confusion  was  such  as  no 
language  can  adequately  describe,  and  it  seemed  as  if  all  the 
restraints  of  decency,  and  all  the  bands  of  law,  had  been  broken 
and  given  place  to  the  wide  ravages  of  licentious  brutality.  These, 
thought  I,  are  the  orgies  of  liberty!  these  are  the  manifestations 
of  the  spirit  of  independence !  these  are  the  symbols  of  man's 
sovereignty  I  Head  of  Mahomet  1  with  what  a  fatal  and  inexor 
able  despotism  do  empty  names  and  ideal  phantoms  exerciso 
their  dominion  over  the  human  mind !  The  experience  of  ages 
has  demonstrated,  that  in  all  nations,  barbarous  or  enlightened, 
the  mass  of  the  people,  the  mob,  must  be  slaves,  or  they  will  be 
tyrants;  but  their  tyranny  will  not  be  long: — some  ambitious 
leader,  having  at  first  condescended  to  be  their  slave,  will 
at  length  become  their  master;  and  in  proportion  to  the  vile- 
ness  of  his  former  servitude,  will  be  the  severity  of  his  sub- 


SALMAGUNDI.  123 

sequent  tyranny.  Yet,  with  innumerable  examples  staring  them 
in  the  face,  the  people  still  bawl  out  liberty;  by  which  they 
mean  nothing  but  freedom  from  every  species  of  legal  restraint, 
and  a  warrant  for  all  kinds  of  licentiousness:  and  the  bashaws 
and  leaders,  in  courting  tbe  mob,  convince  them  of  their  power; 
and  by  administering  to  their  passions,  for  the  purposes  of  am 
bition,  at  length  learn  by  fatal  experience,  that  he  who  worships 
the  beast  that  carries  him  on  his  back,  will  sooner  or  later  be 
thrown  into  the  dust,  and  trampled  under  foot  by  the  animal 
who  has  learnt  the  secret  of  its  power,  by  this  very  adoration. 
Eyer  thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR, 

MINE   UNCLE   JOIIX. 

To  those  whose  habits  of  abstraction  may  have  let  them  into 
some  of  the  secrets  of  their  own  minds,  and  whose  freedom  from 
daily  toil  has  left  them  at  leisure  to  analyze  their  feelings,  it  will 
be  nothing  new  to  say  that  the  present  is  peculiarly  the  season 
of  remembrance.  The  flowers,  the  zephyrs,  and  the  warblers  of 
spring,  returning  after  their  tedious  absence,  bring  naturally  to 
our  recollection  past  times  and  buried  feelings  ;  and  the  whispers 
of  the  full  foliaged  grove,  fall  on  the  ear  of  contemplation,  like  the 
sweet  tones  of  far  distant  friends  whom  the  rude  jostlers  of  the 
world  have  severed  from  us  and  cast  far  beyond  our  reach.  It  is 
at  such  times,  that  casting  backward  many  a  lingering  look  we 
recall,  with  a  kind  of  sweet-souled  melancholy,  the  days  of  our 
youth,  and  the  jocund  companions  who  started  with  us  the  race 
of  life,  but  parted  midway  in  the  journey  to  pursue  some  winding 
path  that  allured  them  with  a  prospect  more  seducing, — and 
never  returned  to  us  again.  It  is  then,  too,  if  we  have  been  afflict 
ed  with  any  heavy  sorrow,  if  we  have  even  lost,  and  who  has 
not! — an  old  friend,  or  chosen  companion,  that  his  shade  will 
hover  around  us ;  the  memory  of  his  virtues  press  on  the  heart ; 
and  a  thousand  endearing  recollections,  forgotten  amidst  the  cold 
pleasures  and  midnight  dissipations  of  winter,  arise  to  our 
remembrance. 

These  speculations  bring  to  my  mind  MY  UNCLE  JOHN,  the 
history  of  whose  loves,  and  disappointments,  I  have  promised  to 
the  world.  Though  I  must  own  myself  much  addicted  to  forget 
ting  my  promises,  yet,  as  I  have  been  so  happily  reminded  of  this, 
I  believe  I  must  pay  it  at  once,  "  and  there  is  an  end."  Lest  my 


124  SALMAGUNDI. 

readers — good-natured  souls  that  they  are !  should  in  the  ardor 
of  peeping  into  millstones,  take  my  uncle  for  an  old  acquaintance, 
I  here  inform  them,  that  the  old  gentleman  died  a  great  many 
years  ago,  and  it  is  impossible  they  should  ever  have  known 
him : — I  pity  them — for  they  would  have  known  a  good-natured, 
benevolent  man,  whose  example  might  have  been  of  service. 

The  last  time  I  saw  my  uncle  John  was  fifteen  years  ago,  when 
I  paid  him  a  visit  at  his  old  mansion.  I  found  him  reading  a 
newspaper — for  it  was  election  time,  and  he  was  always  a  warm 
federalist,  and  had  made  several  converts  to  the  true  political 
faith  in  his  time ;  particularly  one  old  tenant  who  always,  just 

before  the  election,  became  a  violent  anti ; in  order  that  he 

might  be  convinced  of  his  errors  by  my  uncle,  who  never  failed 
to  reward  his  conviction  by  some  substantial  benefit. 

After  we  had  settled  the  affairs  of  the  nation,  and  I  had  paid 
my  respects  to  the  old  family  chronicles  in  the  kitchen, — an  indis 
pensable  ceremony, — the  old  gentleman  exclaimed,  with  heart 
felt  glee,  "  Well,  I  suppose  you  are  for  a  trout-fishing ; — I  have 
got  every  thing  prepared ; — but  first  you  must  take  a  walk  with 
me  to  see  my  improvements."  I  was  obliged  to  consent ;  though 
I  knew  my  uncle  would  lead  me  a  most  villanous  dance,  and  in 
all  probability  treat  me  to  a  quagmire,  or  a  tumble  into  a  ditch. 
If  my  readers  choose  to  accompany  me  in  this  expedition,  they 
are  welcome ;  if  not,  let  them  stay  at  home  like  lazy  fellows — 
and  sleep — or  be  hanged. 

Though  I  had  been  absent  several  years,  yet  there  was  very 
little  alteration  in  the  scenery,  and  every  object  retained  the  same 
features  it  bore  when  I  was  a  school-boy :  for  it  was  in  this  spot 
that  I  grew  up  in  the  fear  of  ghosts,  and  in  the  breaking  of  many 
of  the  ten  commandments.  The  brook,  or  river,  as  they  would 
call  it  in  Europe,  still  murmured  with  its  wonted  sweetness 
through  the  meadow ;  and  its  banks  were  still  tufted  with  dwarf 
willows,  that  bent  down  to  the  surface.  The  same  echo  inhabited 
the  valley,  and  the  same  tender  air  of  repose  pervaded  the  whole 
scene.  Even  my  good  uncle  was  but  little  altered,  except  that 
his  hair  was  grown  a  little  grayer,  and  his  forehead  had  lost  somf 
of  its  former  smoothness.  He  had,  however,  lost  nothing  of  hit. 
former  activity,  and  laughed  heartily  at  the  difficulty  I  found  m 
keeping  up  with  him  as  he  stumped  through  bushes,  and  briers, 
and  hedges;  talking  all  the  time  about  his  improvements,  and 
telling  what  he  would  do  with  such  a  spot  of  ground  and  such  a 
tree.  At  length,  after  showing  me  his  stone  fences,  his  famous 
two-year-old  bull,  his  new  invented  cart,  which  was  to  go  before 
the  horse,  and  his  Eclipse  colt,  he  was  pleased  to  return  home  to 
dinner. 

After  dinner  and  returning  thanks — which  with  him  was  not 
a  ceremony  merely,  but  an  offering  from  the  heart — my  uncle 
opened  his  trunk,  took  out  his  fishing-tackle,  and,  without  saying 
a  word,  sallied  forth  with  some  of  those  truly  alarming  steps 


SALMAUUXW.  125 

which  Daddy  Neptune  once  took  when  he  was  in  a  great  hurry 
to  attend  the  affair  of  the  siege  of  Troy.  Trout-fishing  was  my 
uncle's  favorite  sport ;  and,  though  I  always  caught  two  fish  for 
his  one,  he  never  would  acknowledge  my  superiority ;  but  puz 
zled  himself  often,  and  often,  to  account  for  such  a  singular  phe 
nomenon. 

Following  the  current  of  the  brook,  for  a  mile  or  two,  we 
retraced  many  of  our  old  haunts,  and  told  a  hundred  adventures 
which  had  befallen  us  at  different  times.  It  was  like  snatching 
the  hour-glass  of  time,  inverting  it,  and  rolling  back  again  the 
sands  that  had  marked  the  lapse  of  years.  At  length  the  shadows 
began  to  lengthen,  the  south  wind  gradually  settled  into  a  per 
fect  calm,  the  sun  threw  his  rays  through  the  trees  on  the  hill 
tops  in  golden  lustre,  and  a  kind  of  Sabbath  stillness  pervaded 
the  whole  valley,  indicating  that  the  hour  was  fast  approaching 
which  was  to  relieve  for  a  while,  the  farmer  from  his  rural  labor, 
the  ox  from  his  toil,  the  school  urchin  from  his  primer,  and 
bring  the  loving  ploughman  home  to  the  feet  of  his  blooming 
dairy-maid. 

As  we  were  watching  in  silence  the  last  rays  of  the  sun,  beam 
ing  their  farewell  radiance  on  the  high  hills  at  a  distance,  my  uncle 
exclaimed,  in  a  kind  of  half  desponding  tone,  while  he  rested  his 
arm  over  an  old  tree  that  had  fallen — "I  know  not  how  it  is,  my 
dear  Launce,  but  such  an  evening,  and  such  a  still  quiet  scene  as 
this,  always  makes  me  a  little  sad ;  and  it  is,  at  sucli  a  time,  I  am 
most  apt  to  look  forward  with  regret  to  the  period  when  this 
farm,  on  which  'I  have  been  young  but  now  am  old,'  and  every 
object  around  me  that  is  endeared  by  long  acquaintance — when 
all  these  and  I  must  shake  hands  and  part.  I  have  no  fear  of 
death,  for  my  life  has  afforded  but  little  temptation  to  wickedness ; 
and  when  I  die,  I  hope  to  leave  behind  me  more  substantial 
proofs  of  virtue  than  will  be  found  in  my  epitaph,  and  more  last 
ing  memorials  than  churches  built  or  hospitals  endowed,  with 
wealth  wrung  from  the  hard  hand  of  poverty,  by  an  unfeeling 
landlord  or  unprincipled  knave ; — but  still,  when  I  pass  such  a 
day  as  this  and  contemplate  such  a  scene,  I  cannot  help  feeling  a 
latent  wish  to  linger  yet  a  little  longer  in  this  peaceful  asylum ; 
to  enjoy  a  little  more  sunshine  in  this  world,  and  to  have  a  few 
more  fishing  matches  with  my  boy."  As  he  ended,  he  raised  his 
hand  a  little  from  the  fallen  tree,  and  dropping  it  languidly  by  his 
side,  turned  himself  towards  home.  The  sentiment,  the  look,  the 
action,  all  seemed  to  be  prophetic.  And  so  they  were,  for  when 
I  shook  him  by  the  hand,  and  bade  him  farewell  the  next  morn 
ing — it  was  for  the  last  time ! 

He  died  a  bachelor,  at  the  age  of  sixty-three,  though  he  had 
been  all  his  life  trying  to  get  married,  and  always  thought  him 
self  on  the  point  of  accomplishing  his  wishes.  His  disappoint 
ments  were  not  owing  either  to  the  deformity  of  his  mind  or 
person ;  for  in  his  youth  he  was  reckoned  handsome,  and  I  my- 


126  SALMAGUNDI. 

self  can  witness  for  him  that  he  had  as  kind  a  heart  as  ever  was 
fashioned  by  heaven ;  neither  were  they  owing  to  his  poverty — 
which  sometimes  stands  in  an  honest  man's  way — for  he  was 
born  to  the  inheritance  of  a  smalJ  estate  which  was  sufficient  to 
establish  his  claim  to  the  title  of  "one  well  to  do  in  the  world." 
The  truth  is,  my  uncle  had  a  prodigious  antipathy  to  doing  things 
in  a  hurry.  "A  man  should  consider,"  said  he  to  me  once, 
"  that  he  can  always  get  a  wife,  but  cannot  always  get  rid  of  her. 
For  my  part,"  continued  he,  "lam  a  young  fellow,  with  the 
world  before  me," — he  was  but  about  forty  I — "  and  am  resolved 
to  look  sharp,  weigh  matters  well,  and  know  what's  what,  before 
I  marry :  in  short,  Launce,  /  don't  intend  to  do  the  thing  in  a 
hurry,  depend  upon  it."  On  this  whim-wham  he  proceeded.  He 
began  with  young  girls,  and  ended  with  widows.  The  girls  he 
courted  until  they  grew  old  maids,  or  married  out  of  pure  appre 
hension  of  incurring  certain  penalties  hereafter ;  and  the  widows 
not  having  quite  as  much  patience,  generally  at  the  end  of  a 
year,  while  the  good  man  thought  himself  in  the  high  road  to  suc 
cess,  married  some  harum-scarum  young  fellow,  who  had  not 
such  an  antipathy  to  doing  things  in  a  hurry. 

My  uncle  would  have  inevitably  sunk  under  these  repeated 
disappointments — for  he  did  not  want  sensibility — had  he  not 
hit  upon  a  discovery  which  set  all  to  rights  at  once.  He  consoled 
his  vanity — for  he  was  a  little  vain,  and  soothed  his  pride,  which 
was  his  master  passion — by  telling  his  friends  very  significantly, 
while  his  eye  would  flash  triumph,  "  that  he  might  have  had  her.'11 
Those  who  know  how  much  of  the  bitterness  of  disappointed 
affection  arises  from  wounded  vanity  and  exasperated  pride,  will 
give  my  uncle  credit  for  this  discovery. 

My  uncle  had  been  told  by  a  prodigious  number  of  married 
men,  and  had  read  in  an  innumerable  quantity  of  books,  that 
a  man  could  not  possibly  be  happy  except  in  the  marriage  state ; 
so  he  determined  at  an  early  age  to  marry,  that  he  might  not 
lose  his  only  chance  for  happiness.  He  accordingly  forthwith 
paid  his  addresses  to  the  daughter  of  a  neighboring  gentleman 
farmer,  who  was  reckoned  the  beauty  of  the  whole  world;  a 
phrase  by  which  the  honest  country  people  mean  nothing  more 
than  the  circle  of  their  acquaintance,  or  that  territory  of  land 
which  is  within  sight  of  the  smoke  of  their  own  hamlet. 

This  young  lady,  in  addition  to  her  beauty,  was  highly  accom 
plished,  for  she  had  spent  five  or  six  months  at  a  boarding-school 
in  town ;  where  she  learned  to  work  pictures  in  satin  and  paint 
sheep,  that  might  be  mistaken  for  wolves ;  to  hold  up  her  head, 
set  straight  in  her  chair,  and  to  think  every  species  of  useful 
acquirement  beneath  her  attention.  When  she  returned  home,  so 
completely  had  she  forgotten  every  thing  she  knew  before,  that  on 
seeing  one  of  the  maids  milking  a  cow,  she  asked  her  father,  with 
an  air  of  most  enchanting  ignorance,  "what  that  odd  looking 
thing  was  doing  to  that  queer  animal?"  The  old  man  shook  his 


SALMAOUXDI.  127 

head  at  this;  but  the  mother  was  delighted  at  these  symptoms  of 
gentility,  arid  so  enamored  of  her  daughter's  accomplishments 
that  she  actually  got  framed  a  picture  worked  in  satin  by  the 
young  lady.  It  represented  the  Tomb  Scene  in  Romeo  and 
Juliet:  Romeo  was  dressed  in  an  orange-colored  cloak,  fastened 
round  his  neck  with  a  large  golden  clasp;  a  white  satin  tam 
boured  waistcoat,  leather  breeches,  blue  silk  stockings,  and  white 
topt  boots.  The  amiable  Juliet  shone  in  a  flame-colored  gown, 
most  gorgeously  bespangled  with  silver  stars,  a  high  crowned 
muslin  cap  that  reached  to  the  top  of  the  tomb ; — on  her  feet  she 
wore  a  pair  of  short-quartered  high-heeled  shoes,  and  her  waist 
was  the  exact  fac-simile  of  an  inverted  sugarloaf.  The  head  of 
the  "  noble  county  Paris  "  looked  like  a  chimney-sweeper's  brush 
that  had  lost  its  handle ;  and  the  cloak  of  the  good  Friar  hung 
about  him  as  gracefully  as  the  armor  of  a  rhinoceros.  The  good 
lady  considered  this  picture  as  a  splendid  proof  of  her  daughter's 
accomplishments,  and  hung  it  up  in  the  best  parlor,  as  an  honest 
tradesman  does  his  certificate  of  admission  into  that  enlightened 
body  yclept  the  Mechanic  Society. 

With  this  accomplished  young  lady  then  did  my  uncle  John 
become  deeply  enamored,  and,  as  it  was  his  first  love,  he 
determined  to  bestir  himself  in  an  extraordinary  manner.  Once 
at  least  in  a  fortnight,  aud  generally  on  a  Sunday  evening,  ho 
would  put  on  his  leather  breeches,  for  he  was  a  great  beau,  mount 
his  grey  horse  Pepper,  and  ride  over  to  see  his  Miss  Pamela, 
though  she  lived  upwards  of  a  mile  off[  and  he  was  obliged 
to  pass  close  by  a  church  yard,  which  at  least  a  hundred  creditable 
persons  would  swear  was  haunted ! — Miss  Pamela  could  not  be 
insensible  to  such  proofs  of  attachment,  and  accordingly  received 
him  with  considerable  kindness;  her  mother  always  left  the  room 
when  he  came,  and  my  uncle  had  as  good  as  made  a  declaration 
by  saying  one  evening,  very  significantly,  "  that  he  believed  that 
he  should  soon  change  his  condition ;"  when,  some  how  or  other, 
he  began  to  think  he  was  doing  things  in  too  great  a  hurry,  and 
that  it  was  high  time  to  consider :  so  he  considered  near  a  month 
about  it,  and  there  is  no  saying  how  much  longer  he  might  have 
spun  the  thread  of  his  doubts  had  he  not  been  roused,  from 
this  state  of  indecision,  by  the  news  that  his  mistress  had  married 
an  attorney's  apprentice  who  she  had  seen  the  Sunday  before  at 
church  ;  where  he  had  excited  the  applauses  of  the  whole  congre 
gation  by  the  invincible  gravity  with  which  he  listened  to  a 
Dutch  sermon.  The  young  people  in  the  neighborhood  laughed 
a  good  deal  at  my  uncle  on  the  occasion,  but  he  only  shrugged 
his  shoulders,  looked  mysterious,  and  replied,  "  Tut,  boys !  I  might 
have  had  her." 


NOTE   BY   WILLIAM   WIZARD,    ESQ. 
Our  publisher,  who  is  busily  engaged  in  printing  a  celebrated   work, 


128  SALMAGUNDI. 

which  is  perhaps  more  generally  read  in  this  city  than  any  other  book,  not 
excepting  the  Bible ;— I  mean  the  New- York  Directory— has  begged  so 
hard  that  we  will  not  overwhelm  him  with  too  much  of  a  good  thing,  that 
we  have,  with  Langstaff's  approbation,  cut  short  the  residue  of  uncle  John's 
amours.  In  all  probability  it  will  be  given  in  a  future  number,  whenever 

Launcelot  is  in  the  humor  for  it — he  is  such  an  odd but,  mum — for 

fear  of  another  suspension. 


SALMAGUNDI.  129 


No.  XII.— SATURDAY,  JUNE  27,  1807. 

FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR, 

SOME  men  delight  in  the  study  of  plants,  in  the  dissection  of  a 
leaf,  or  the  contour  and  complexion  of  a  tulip ; — others  are 
charmed  with  the  beauties  of  the  feathered  race,  or  the  varied 
hues  of  the  insect  tribe.  A  naturalist  will  spend  hours  in  the 
fatiguing  pursuit  of  a  butterfly,  and  a  man  of  the  ton  will  waste 
whole  years  in  the  chase  of  a  tine  lady.  I  feel  a  respect  for  their 
avocations,  for  my  own  are  somewhat  similar.  I  love  to  open 
the  great  volume  of  human  character : — to  me  the  examination  of 
a  beau  is  more  interesting  than  that  of  a  daffodil  or  narcissus ; 
and  I  feel  a  thousand  times  more  pleasure  in  catching  a  new 
view  of  human  nature,  than  in  kidnapping  the  most  gorgeous 
butterfly, — even  an  Emperor  of  Morocco  himself! 

In  my  present  situation  I  have  ample  room  for  the  indulgence 
of  this  taste  ;  for,  perhaps,  there  is  not  a  house  in  this  city  more 
fertile  in  subjects  for  the  anatomist  of  human  character,  than  my 
cousin  Cockloft's.  Honest  Christopher,  as  I  have  before  men 
tioned,  is  one  of  those  hearty  old  cavaliers  who  pride  themselves 
upon  keeping  up  the  good,  honest,  unceremonious  hospitality  of 
old  times.  He  is  never  so  happy  as  when  he  has  drawn  about 
him  a  knot  of  sterling-hearted  associates,  and  sits  at  the  head  of 
his  table  dispensing  a  warm,  cheering,  welcome  to  all.  His 
countenance  expands  at  every  glass  and  beams  forth  emanations 
of  hilarity,  benevolence,  and  good  fellowship,  that  inspire  and 
gladden  every  guest  around  him.  It  is  no  wonder,  therefore,  that 
such  excellent  social  qualities  should  attract  a  host  of  friends  and 
guests ;  in  fact,  my  cousin  is  almost  overwhelmed  with  them ; 
and  they  all,  uniformly,  pronounce  old  Cockloft  to  be  one  of  the 
finest  old  fellows  in  the  world.  His  wine  also  always  comes  in  for 
a  good  share  of  their  approbation ;  nor  do  they  forget  to  do  honor 
to  Mrs.  Cockloft's  cookery,  pronouncing  it  to  be  modelled  after 
the  most  approved  recipes  of  Heliogabalus  and  Mrs.  Glasse.  The 
variety  of  company  thus  attracted  is  particularly  pleasing  to 
me;  for,  being  considered  a  privileged  person  in  the  family,  I 
can  sit  in  a  corner,  indulge  in  my  favorite  amusement  of  obser 
vation,  and  retreat  to  my  elbow-chair  like  a  bee  to  his  hive, 
whenever  I  have  collected  sufficient  food  for  meditation. 

Will  Wizard  is  particularly  efficient  in  adding  to  the  stock  of 
.0 


]  30  SALMAGUNDI. 

originals  which  frequent  our  house ;  for  he  is  one  of  the  most  in 
veterate  hunters  of  oddities  I  ever  knew;  and  his  first  care,  on 
making  a  new  acquaintance,  is  to  gallant  him  to  old  Cockloft's, 
where  he  never  fails  to  receive  the  freedom  of  the  house  in  a 
pinch  from  his  gold  box.  Will  has,  without  exception,  the  queer 
est,  most  eccentric,  and  indescribable  set  of  intimates  that  ever 
man  possessed ;  how  he  became  acquainted  with  them  I  cannot 
conceive,  except  by  supposing  there  is  a  secret  attraction  or  unin 
telligible  sympathy  that  unconsciously  draws  together  oddities  of 
every  soil. 

Will's  great  crony  for  some  time  was  TOM  STRADDLE,  to  whom 
he  took  a  great  liking.  Straddle  had  just  arrived  in  an  impor 
tation  of  hardware,  fresh  from  the  city  of  Birmingham,  or  rather, 
as  the  most  learned  English  would  call  it,  Brummagem,  so  famous 
for  its  manufactories  of  gimblets,  penknives,  and  pepper-boxes; 
and  where  they  make  buttons  and  beaux  enough  to  inundate  our 
whole  country.  He  was  a  young  man  of  considerable  standing  in 
the  manufactory  at  Birmingham,  sometimes  had  the  honor  to 
hand  his  master's  daughter  into  a  tim-whiskey,  was  the  oracle  of 
the  tavern  he  frequented  on  Sundays,  and  could  beat  all  his  asso 
ciates,  if  you  would  take  his  word  for  it,  in  boxing,  beer-drinking, 
jumping  over  chairs,  and  imitating  cats  in  a  gutter  and  opera 
singers.  Straddle  was,  moreover,  a  member  of  a  Catch  Club,  and 
was  a  great  hand  at  ringing  bob-majors;  he  was,  of  course,  a 
complete  connoisseur  of  music,  and  entitled  to  assume  that  cha 
racter  at  all  performances  in  the  art.  He  was  likewise  a  member 
of  a  Spouting  Club,  had  seen  a  company  of  strolling  actors  per 
form  in  a  barn,  and  had  even,  like  Abel  Drugger,  "  enacted"  the 
part  of  Major  Sturgeon  with  considerable  applause ;  he  was  con 
sequently  a  profound  critic,  and  fully  authorised  to  turn  up  his 
nose  at  any  American  performances.  He  had  twice  partaken  of 
annual  dinners,  given  to  the  head  manufacturers  of  Birmingham, 
where  he  had  the  good  fortune  to  get  a  taste  of  turtle  and  turbot ; 
and  a  smack  of  champaign  and  Burgundy ;  and  he  had  heard  a 
vast  deal  of  the  roast  beef  of  Old  England ;  he  was  therefore  epi 
cure  sufficient  to  d — n  every  dish,  and  every  glass  of  wine,  he 
tasted  in  America,  though,  at  the  same  time,  he  was  as  voracious 
an  animal  as  ever  crossed  the  Atlantic.  Straddle  had  been 
splashed  half-a-dozen  times  by  the  carriages  of  nobility,  and  had 
once  the  superlative  felicity  of  being  kicked  out  of  doors  by  the 
footman  of  a  noble  duke ;  he  could,  therefore,  talk  of  nobility  and 
despise  the  untitled  plebeians  of  America.  In  short,  Straddle 
was  one  of  those  dapper,  bustling,  florid,  round,  self-important 
"  gemmem"  who  bounce  upon  us  half  beau  half  button-maker ; 
undertake  to  give  us  the  true  polish  of  the  bon  ton,  and  endeavor 
to  inspire  us  with  a  proper  and  dignified  contempt  of  our  native 
country. 

Straddle  was  quite  in  raptures  when  his  employers  determined 
to  send  him  to  America  as  an  agent.  He  considered  himself  as 


SALMAGUNDI.  131 

going  among  a  nation  of  barbarians,  where  he  would  be  received 
as  a  prodigy ;  he  anticipated,  with  a  proud  satisfaction,  the  bustle 
and  confusion  his  arrival  would  occasion ;  the  crowd  that  would 
throng  to  gaze  at  him  as  he  passed  through  the  streets ;  and  had 
little  doubt  but  that  he  should  occasion  as  much  curiosity  as  an 
Indian  chief  or  a  Turk  in  the  streets  of  Birmingham.  He  had 
heard  of  the  beauty  of  our  women,  and  chuckled  at  the  thought 
of  how  completely  he  should  eclipse  their  unpolished  beaux, 
and  the  number  of  despairing  lovers  that  would  mourn  the  hour 
of  his  arrival.  I  am  even  informed  by  Will  Wizard  that  he  put 
good  store  of  beads,  spike-nails,  and  looking-glasses  in  his  trunk 
to  win  the  affections  of  the  fair  ones  as  they  paddled  about  in 
their  bark  canoes ;  the  reason  Will  gave  for  this  error  of  Strad 
dle's,  respecting  our  ladies,  was,  that  he  had  read  in  Guthrie's 
Geography  that  the  aborigines  of  America  were  all  savages ;  and 
not  exactly  understanding  the  word  aborigines,  he  applied  to  one 
of  his  fellow-apprentices,  who  assured  him  that  it  was  the  Latin 
word  for  inhabitants. 

Wizard  used  to  tell  another  anecdote  of  Straddle,  which  always 
put  him  in  a  passion :  Will  swore  that  the  captain  of  the  ship 
told  him,  that  when  Straddle  heard  they  were  off  the  banks  of 
Newfoundland,  he  insisted  upon  going  on  shore  there  to  gather 
some  good  cabbages,  of  which  he  was  excessively  fond.  Strad 
dle,  however,  denied  all  this,  and  declared  it  to  be  a  mischievous 
quiz  of  Will  Wizard ;  who  indeed  often  made  himself  merry  at 
his  expense.  However  this  may  be,  certain  it  is,  he  kept  his 
tailor  and  shoemaker  constantly  employed  for  a  month  before 
his  departure ;  equipped  himself  with  a  smart  crooked  stick 
about  eighteen  inches  long,  a  pair  of  breeches  of  most  unheard-of 
length,  a  little  short  pair  of  Hoby's  white-topped  boots,  that 
seemed  to  stand  on  tip-toe  to  reach  his  breeches,  and  his  hat  had 
the  true  trans-atlantic  declination  towards  his  right  ear.  The 
fact  was,  nor  did  he  make  any  secret  of  it — he  was  determined  to 
astonish  the  natives  a  few  /" 

Straddle  was  not  a  little  disappointed  on  his  arrival,  to  find  the 
Americans  were  rather  more  civilized  than  he  had  imagined ;  he 
was  suffered  to  walk  to  his  lodgings  unmolested  by  a  crowd,  and 
even  unnoticed  by  a  single  individual ;  no  love-letters  came 
pouring  in  upon  him ;  no  rivals  lay  in  wait  to  assassinate  him  ; 
his  very  dress  excited  no  attention,  for  there  were  many  fools 
dressed  equally  ridiculously  with  himself.  This  was  mortifying 
indeed  to  an  aspiring  youth,  who  had  come  out  with  the  idea  of 
astonishing  and  captivating.  He  was  equally  unfortunate  in  his 
pretensions  to  the  character  of  critic,  connoisseur,  and  boxer ;  he 
condemned  our  whole  dramatic  corps,  and  every  thing  appertain 
ing  to  the  theatre ;  but  his  critical  abilities  were  ridiculed ;  he 
found  fault  with  old  Cockloft's  dinner,  not  even  sparing  his  wine, 
and  was  never  invited  to  the  house  afterwards ;  he  scoured  the 
streets  at  night,  and  was  cudgelled  by  a  sturdy  watchman ;  he 


132  SALMAGUNDI. 

hoaxed  an  honest  mechanic,  and  was  soundly  kicked.  Thus  dis 
appointed  in  all  his  attempts  at  notoriety,  Straddle  hit  on  the  ex 
pedient  which  was  resorted  to  by  the  Giblets — he  determined  to 
take  the  town  by  storm.  He  accordingly  bought  horses  and  equi 
pages,  and  forthwith  made  a  furious  dash  at  style  in  a  gig  and 
tandem. 

As  Straddle's  finances  were  but  limited,  it  may  easily  be  sup 
posed  that  his  fashionable  career  infringed  a  little  upon  his  con 
signment,  which  was  indeed  the  case,  for,  to  use  a  true  cockney 
phrase,  Brummagem  suffered.  But  this  was  a  circumstance  that 
made  little  impression  upon  Straddle,  who  was  now  a  lad  of  spirit, 
and  lads  of  spirit  always  despise  the  sordid  cares  of  keeping  ano 
ther  man's  money.  Suspecting  this  circumstance,  I  never  could 
witness  any  of  his  exhibitions  of  style,  without  some  whimsical 
association  of  ideas.  Did  he  give  an  entertainment  to  a  host  of 
guzzling  friends,  I  immediately  fancied  them  gormandizing 
heartily  at  the  expense  of  poor  Birmingham,  and  swallowing  a 
consignment  of  hand-saws  and  razors.  Did  I  behold  him  dashing 
through  Broadway  in  his  gig ;  I  saw  him,  "  in  my  mind's  eye  " 
driving  tandem  on  a  nest  of  tea-boards ;  nor  could  I  ever  con 
template  his  cockney  exhibitions  of  horsemanship,  but  my  mis 
chievous  imagination  would  picture  him  spurring  a  cask  of  hard 
ware,  like  rosy  Bacchus  bestriding  a  beer  barrel,  or  the  little 
gentleman  who  bestraddles  the  world  in  the  front  of  Hutching's 
almanac. 

Straddle  was  equally  successful  with  the  Giblets,  as  may  well 
be  supposed ;  for  though  pedestrian  merit  may  strive  in  vain  to 
become  fashionable  in  Gotham,  yet  a  candidate  in  an  equipage  is 
always  recognized,  and  like  Philip's  ass,  laden  with  gold,  will  gain 
admittance  everywhere.  Mounted  in  his  curricle  or  his  gig,  the 
candidate  is  like  a  statue  elevated  on  a  high  pedestal,  his  merita 
are  discernible  from  afar,  and  strike  the  dullest  optics.  Oh!  Go 
tham,  Gotham  I  most  enlightened  of  cities ! — how  does  my  heart 
swell  with  delight  when  I  behold  your  sapient  inhabitants  lavish 
ing  their  attention  with  such  wonderful  discernment ! 

Thus  Straddle  became  quite  a  man  of  ton,  and  was  caressed, 
and  courted,  and  invited  to  dinners  and  balls.  "Whatever 
was  absurd  or  ridiculous  in  him  before  was  now  declared  to 
be  the  style.  He  criticised  our  theatre,  and  was  listened  to  with 
reverence.  He  pronounced  our  musical  entertainments  barbarous ; 
and  the  judgment  of  Apollo  himself  would  not  have  been  more 
decisive.  He  abused  our  dinners :  and  the  god  of  eating,  if  there 
be  any  such  deity,  seemed  to  speak  through  his  organs.  He  be 
came  at  once  a  man  of  taste,  for  he  put  his  malediction  on  every 
thing  ;  and  his  arguments  were  conclusive,  for  he  supported  every 
assertion  with  a  bet.  He  was  likewise  pronounced,  by  the  learned 
in  the  fashionable  world,  a  young  man  of  great  research  and  deep 
observation ;  for  he  had  sent  home,  as  natural  curiosities,  an  ear 
of  Indian  corn,  a  pair  of  moccasins,  a  belt  of  wampum,  and  a  four- 


SALMAGUNDI.  133 

leaved  clover.  He  had  taken  great  pains  to  enrich  this  curious 
collection  with  an  Indian  and  a  cataract,  but  without  success.  In 
fine,  the  people  talked  of  Straddle  and  his  equipage,  and  Straddlo 
talked  to  his  horses,  until  it  was  impossible  for  the  most  critical 
observer  to  pronounce,  whether  Straddle  or  his  horses  were  most 
admired,  or  whether  Straddle  admired  himself  or  his  horses 
most. 

Straddle  was  now  in  the  zenith  of  his  glory.  He  swaggered 
about  parlors  and  drawing-rooms  with  the  same  unceremonious 
confidence  he  used  to  display  in  the  taverns  at  Birmingham.  He 
accosted  a  lady  as  he  would  a  bar-maid ;  and  this  was  pronounced 
a  certain  proof  that  he  had  been  used  to  better  company  in  Bir 
mingham.  He  became  the  great  man  of  all  the  taverns  between 
New  York  and  Harlem,  and  no  one  stood  a  chance  of  being  accom 
modated,  until  Straddle  and  his  horses  were  perfectly  satisfied.  He 

d d  the  landlords  and  waiters  with  the  best  ah-  in  the  world,  and 

accosted  them  with  the  true  gentlemanly  familiarity.  He  staggered 
from  the  dinner  table  to  the  play,  entered  the  box  like  a  tempest, 
and  staid  long  enough  to  be  bored  to  death,  and  to  bore  all  those 
who  had  the  misfortune  to  be  near  him.  From  thence  he  dashed 
off  to  a  ball  time  enough  to  flounder  through  a  cotillion,  tear  half  a 
dozen  gowns,  commit  a  number  of  other  depredations,  and  make 
the  whole  company  sensible  of  his  infinite  condescension  in  com 
ing  amongst  them.  The  people  of  Gotham  thought  him  a  prodi 
gious  fine  fellow ;  the  young  bucks  cultivated  his  acquaintance 
with  the  most  persevering  assiduity ;  and  his  retainers  were  some 
times  complimented  with  a  seat  in  his  curricle,  or  a  ride  on  one 
of  his  fine  horses.  The  belles  were  delighted  with  the  attentions 
of  such  a  fashionable  gentleman,  and  struck  with  astonishment  at 
his  learned  distinctions  between  wrought  scissors,  and  those  of 
cast-steel ;  together  with  his  profound  dissertations  on  buttons 
and  horse  flesh.  The  rich  merchants  courted  his  acquaintance 
because  he  was  an  Englishman,  and  their  wives  treated  him 
with  great  deference  because  he  had  come  from  beyond  seas.  I 
cannot  help  here  observing  that  your  salt  water  is  a  marvellous 
great  sharpener  of  men's  wits,  and  I  intend  to  recommend  it  to 
some  of  my  acquaintance  in  a  particular  essay. 

Straddle  continued  his  brilliant  career  for  only  a  short  time. 
His  prosperous  journey  over  the  turnpike  of  fashion  was  checked 
by  some  of  those  stumbling-blocks  in  the  way  of  aspiring  youth, 
called  creditors,  or  duns — a  race  of  people  who,  as  a  celebrated 
writer  observes,  "  are  hated  by  gods  and  men."  Consignments 
slackened,  whispers  of  distant  suspicion  floated  in  the  dark,  and 
those  pests  of  society,  the  tailors  and  shoemakers,  rose  in  rebellion 
against  Straddle.  In  vain  were  all  his  remonstrances,  in  vain  did  he 
prove  to  them  that  though  he  had  given  them  no  money,  yet  he 
had  given  them  more  custom,  and  as  many  promises  as  any  young 
man  in  the  city.  They  were  inflexible,  and  the  signal  of  danger 
biding  given,  a  host  of  other  prosecutors  pounced  upon  his  back. 


134  .X  SALMAGUNDI. 

Straddle  saw  there  was  but  one  way  for  it ;  he  determined  to  do 
the  thing  genteelly,  to  go  to  smash  like  a  hero,  and  dashed  into 
the  limits  in  high  style,  being  the  fifteenth  gentleman  I  have 

known  to  drive  tandem  to  the — ne  plus  ultra — the  d 1. 

Unfortunate  Straddle !  may  thy  fate  be  a  warning  to  all  young 
gentlemen  who  come  out  from  Birmingham  to  astonish  the  natives ! 
I  should  never  have  taken  the  trouble  to  delineate  his  character 
had  he  not  been  a  genuine  cockney,  and  worthy  to  be  the  repre 
sentative  of  his  numerous  tribe.  Perhaps  my  simple  countrymen 
may  hereafter  be  able  to  distinguish  between  the  real  English  gen 
tleman,  and  individuals  of  the  cast  I  have  heretofore  spoken  of, 
as  mere  mongrels,  springing  at  one  bound  from  contemptible  ob 
scurity  at  home  to  daylight  and  splendor  in  this  good-natured 
land.  The  true-born  and  true-bred  English  gentleman  is  a  cha 
racter  I  hold  in  great  respect ;  and  I  love  to  look  back  to  the 
period  when  our  forefathers  flourished  in  the  same  generous  soil, 
and  hailed  each  other  as  brothers.  But  the  cockney ! — when  I 
contemplate  him  as  springing  too  from  the  same  source,  I  feel 
ashamed  of  the  relationship,  and  am  tempted  to  deny  my  origin. 
In  the  character  of  Straddle  is  traced  the  complete  outline  of  a  true 
cockney,  of  English  growth,  and  a  descendant  of  that  individual 
facetious  character  mentioned  by  Shakspeare,  "  w?u>,  in  pure  kind 
ness  to  his  horse,  buttered  his  hay.'1 


THE  STRANGER  AT  HOME;  OR,  A  TOUR  IN 
BROADWAY. 

BY  JEREMY   COCKLOFT,    THE  YOUNGER. 
PREFACE.- 

YOUR  learned  traveller  begins  his  travels  at  the  commencement 
of  his  journey ;  others  begin  theirs  at  the  end ;  and  a  third  class 
begin  any  how  and  any  where,  which  I  think  is  the  true  way. 
A  late  facetious  writer  begins  what  he  calls  "  a  Picture  of  New 
York,"  with  a  particular  description  of  Glen's  Falls,  from  whence 
with  admirable  dexterity  he  makes  a  digression  to  the  celebrated 
Mill  Rock  on  Long  Island !  Now,  this  is  what  I  like ;  and  I 
intend,  in  my  present  tour,  to  digress  as  often  and  as  long  as  I 
please.  If,  therefore,  I  choose  to  make  a  hop,  skip,  and  jump  to 
China,  or  new  Holland,  or  Terra  Incognita,  or  Communipaw,  I  can 
produce  a  host  of  examples  to  justify  me,  even  in  books  that  have 
been  praised  by  the  English  reviewers,  whose  fiat  being  all  that 
js  necessary  to  give  books  a  currency  in  this  country,  I  am  deter- 


135 

mined,  as  soon  as  I  finish  my  edition  of  travels  in  seventy-five 
volumes,  to  transmit  it  forthwith  to  them  for  judgment.  If  these 
trans- Atlantic  censors  praise  it,  I  have  no  fear  of  its  success  in 
this  country,  where  their  approbation  gives,  like  the  Tower  stamp, 
a  fictitious  value,  and  makes  tinsels  and  wampum  pass  current  for 
classic  gold. 

CHAPTER   I. 

Battery — flag-staff  kept  by  Louis  Keaffee — Keaffee  maintains 
two  spy-glasses  by  subscriptions — merchants  pay  two  shillings  a 
year  to  look  through  them  at  the  signal  poles  on  Staten  Island — 
a  very  pleasant  prospect ;  but  not  so  pleasant  as  that  from  the  hill 
of  Ilowth — quere,  ever  been  there  ?  Young  seniors  go  down  to 
the  flag-staft'  to  buy  peanuts  and  beer,  after  the  fatigue  of  their 
morning  studies,  and  sometimes  to  play  at  ball,  or  some  other 
innocent  amusement — digression  to  the  Olympic,  and  Isthmian 
games,  with  a  description  of  the  Isthmus  of  Corinth,  and  that  of 
Darien:  to  conclude  with  a  dissertation  on  the  Indian  custom  of 
offering  a  whiff  of  tobacco  smoke  to  their  great  spirit  Areskou. — 
Keturn  to  the  battery — delightful  place  to  indulge  in  the  luxury 
of  sentiment.  How  various  are  the  mutations  of  this  world! 
but  a  few  days,  a  few  hours — at  least  not  above  two  hundred 
years  ago,  and  this  spot  was  inhabited  by  a  race  of  aborigines, 
who  dwelt  in  bark  huts,  lived  upon  oysters  and  Indian  corn, 
danced  buffalo  dances,  and  were  lords  "  of  the  fowl  and  the 
brute;"  but  the  spirit  of  time,  and  the  spirit  of  brandy  have  swept 
them  from  their  ancient  inheritance :  and  as  the  white  wave  of 
the  ocean,  by  its  ever  toiling  assiduity,  gains  on  the  brown  land, 
so  the  white  man,  by  slow  and  sure  degrees,  has  gained  on  the 
brown  savage,  and  dispossessed  him  of  the  land  of  his  forefathers. 
— Conjectures  on  the  first  peopling  of  America — different  opinions 
on  that  subject,  to  the  amount  of  near  one  hundred — opinion  of 
Augustine  Torniel — that  they  are  the  descendants  of  Shem  and 
Japheth,  who  came  by  the  way  of  Japan  to  America. — Juffridius 
Petri  says  they  came  from  Frizeland. — mem.  cold  journey — Mons. 
Charron  says  they  are  descended  from  the  Gauls — bitter  enough — 
A.  Milius  from  the  CeltaB — Kirch er  from  the  Egyptians — L'Compte 
from  the  Phenicians — Lescarbot  from  the  Canaanites,  alias  the 
Anthropophagi — Brerewood  from  the  Tartars — Grotius  from  the 
Norwegians — and  Linkum  Fidelius  has  written  two  folio  volumes 
to  prove  that  America  was  first  of  ajl  peopled'  either  by  the  anti- 
podeans  or  the  Cornish  miners,  who,  he  maintains,  might  easily 
have  made  a  subterranean  passage  to  this  country,  particularly 
the  antipodeans,  wrho,  he  asserts,  can  get  along  under  ground  as 
fast  as  moles — quere,  which  of  these  is  in  the  right,  or  are  they  all 
wrong?  For  my  part,  I  don't  see  why  America  had  not  as  good 
a  right  to  be  peopled  at  first,  as  any  little  contemptible  country  in 
Europe,  or  Asia;  and  I  am  determined  to  write  a  book  at  my  first 


136  SALMAGUNDI. 

leisure,  to  prove  that  Noah  was  born  here — and  that  so  far  is 
America  from  being  indebted  to  any  other  country  for  inhabitants, 
that  they  were  every  one  of  them  peopled  by  colonies  from  her! 
— mem.  battery  a  very  pleasant  place  to  walk  on  a  Sunday  even 
ing — not  quite  genteel  though — every  body  walks  there,  and  a 
pleasure,  however  genuine,  is  spoiled  by  general  participation — 
the  fashionable  ladies  of  New  York  turn  up  their  noses  if  you 
ask  them  to  walk  on  the  battery  on  Sunday — quere,  have  they 
scruples  of  conscience,  or  scruples  of  delicacy?  neither — they 
have  only  scruples  of  gentility,  which  are  quite  different  things. 


CHAPTER   II. 

Custom-house—origin  of  duties  on  merchandise — this  place 
much  frequented  by  merchants — and  why? — different  classes  of 
merchants — importers — a  kind  of  nobility — wholesale  merchants 
— have  the  privilege  of  going  to  the  city  assembly ! — Retail  tra 
ders  cannot  go  to  the  assembly. — Some  curious  speculations  on  the 
vast  distinction  betwixt  selling  tape  by  the  piece  or  by  the  yard. 
— Wholesale  merchants  look  down  upon  the  retailers,  who  in 
return  look  down  upon  the  green  grocers,  who  look  down  upon 
the  market  women,  who  don't  care  a  straw  about  any  of  them. — 
Origin  of  the  distinction  of  ranks — Dr.  Johnson  once  horribly 
puzzled  to  settle  the  point  of  precedence  between  a  louse  and  a 
flea — good  hint  enough  to  humble  purse-proud  arrogance. — Cus 
tom-house  partly  used  as  a  lodging  house  for  the  pictures  belong 
ing  to  the  academy  of  arts — couldn't  afford  the  statues  house- 
room,  most  of  them  in  the  cellar  of  the  City-hall — poor  place  for 
the  gods  and  goddesses — after  Olympus. — Pensive  reflections  on 
the  ups  and  downs  of  life — Apollo,  and  the  rest  of  the  set,  used  to 
cut  a  great  figure  in  days  of  yore. — Mem. — every  dog  has  his  day 
— sorry  for  Venus  though,  poor  wench,  to  be  cooped  up  in  a 
cellar  with  not  a  single  grace  to  wait  on  her! — Eulogy  on  the 
gentlemen  of  the  academy  of  arts,  for  the  great  spirit  with  which 
they  began  the  undertaking,  and  the  perseverance  with  which 
they  have  pursued  it — It  is  a  pity,  however,  they  began  at  the 
wrong  end — maxim — If  you  want  a  bird  and  a  cage,  always  buy 
the  cage  first — hem ! — a  word  to  the  wise  ! 


CHAPTER  III. 

Bowling  green — fine  place  for  pasturing  cows — a  perquisite  of 
the  late  corporation — formerly  ornamented  with  a  statue  of  George 
the  3d — people  pulled  it  down  in  the  war  to  make  bullets — great 
pity,  as  it  might  have  been  given  to  the  academy — it  would  have 
become  a  cellar  as  well  as  any  other. — Broadway — great  differ 
ence  in  the  gentility  of  streets — a  man  who  resides  iu  Peail- 


SALMAGUNDI.  137 

street,  or  Chatham-row,  derives  no  kind  of  dignity  from  hia 
domicil ;  but  place  him  in  a  certain  part  of  Broadway,  any  Avhere 
between  the  battery  and  Wall-street,  and  he  straightway  becomes 
entitled  to  figure  in  the  beau  monde,  and  strut  as  a  person  of  pro 
digious  consequence ! — Quere,  whether  there  is  a  degree  of  purity 
in  the  air  of  that  quarter  which  changes  the  gross  particles  of  vul 
garity  into  gems  of  refinement  and  polish? — A  question  to  be 
asked,  but  not  to  be  answered — Wall-street — City-hall,  famous 
place  for  catch-poles,  deputy  sheriffs,  and  young  lawyers ;  which 
last  attend  the  courts,  not  because  they  have  business  there,  but 
because  they  have  no  business  any  where  else.  My  blood  always 
curdles  when  I  see  a  catch-pole,  they  being  a  species  of  vermin, 
who  feed  and  fatten  on  the  common  wretchedness  of  mankind, 
who  trade  in  misery,  and  in  becoming  the  executioners  of  the 
law,  by  their  oppression  and  villany,  almost  counterbalance  all 
the  benefits  which  are  derived  from  its  salutary  regulations — Story 
of  Quevedo  about  a  catch-pole  possessed  by  a  devil,  who,  on  being 
interrogated,  declared  that  he  did  not  come  there  voluntarily,  but 
by  compulsion ;  and  that  a  decent  devil  would  never  of  his  own 
free  will  enter  into  the  body  of  a  catch-pole ;  instead,  therefore, 
of  doing  him  the  injustice  to  say  that  here  was  a  catch-pole  be 
devilled,  they  should  say,  it  was  a  devil  be-catch-poled ;  that  being 
in  reality  the  truth — Wonder  what  has  become  of  the  old  crier 
of  the  court,  who  used  to  make  more  noise  in  preserving 
silence  than  the  audience  did  in  breaking  it — if  a  man  hap 
pened  to  drop  his  cane,  the  old  hero  would  sing  out  "  silence  1" 
in  a  voice  that  emulated  the  "  wide  mouthed  thunder" — On 
inquiring,  found  he  had  retired  from  business  to  enjoy  otium  cum 
dignitate,  as  many  a  great  man  had  done  before. — Strange  that 
wise  men,  as  they  are  thought,  should  toil  through  a  whole  exist 
ence  merely  to  enjoy  a  few  moments  of  leisure  at  last  1  why  don't 
they  begin  to  be  easy  at  first,  and  not  purchase  a  moment's  plea 
sure  with  an  age  of  pain  ? — mem.  posed  some  of  the  jockeys — eh ! 


CHAPTER  IV. 

Barber's  pole ;  three  different  orders  of  shavers  in  New  York — 
those  who  shave  pigs;  N.B. — freshmen  arid  sophomores, — those 
who  cut  beards,  and  those  who  shave  notes  of  hand;  the  last  are 
the  most  respectable,  because,  in  the  course  of  a  year,  they  make 
more  money,  and  that  honestly,  than  the  whole  corps  of  other 
sJiavers  can  do  in  half  a  century ;  besides,  it  would  puzzle  a  com 
mon  barber  to  ruin  any  man,  except  by  cutting  his  throat :  where 
as  your  higher  order  of  shavers,  your  true  bloodsuckers  of  the 
community,  seated  snugly  behind  the  curtain,  in  watch  for  prey, 
live  on  the  vitals  of  the  unfortunate,  and  grow  rich  on  the  ruin  of 
thousands.  Yet  this  last  class  of  barbers  are  held  in  high  respect 
in  the  world ;  they  never  offend  against  the  decencies  of  life,  go 


138  SALMAGUNDI. 

often  to  church,  look  down  on  honest  poverty  walking  on  foot, 
and  call  themselves  gentlemen;  yea,  men  of  honor! — Lottery 
offices — another  set  of  capital  shavers ! — licensed  gambling  houses ! 
good  things  enough,  as  they  enable  a  few  honest,  industrious  gen 
tlemen  to  humbug  the  people — according  to  law ; — besides,  if  the 
people  will  be  such  fools,  whose  fault  is  it  but  their  own  if  they 
get  bit  ? — Messrs.  Paft: — beg  pardon  for  putting  them  in  such  bad 
company,  because  they  are  a  couple  of  tine  fellows — mem.  to  re 
commend  Michael's  antique  snuff-box  to  all  amateurs  in  the  art. — 
Eagle  singing  Yankee-doodle — N.B. — Buffon,  Pennant,  and  the 
rest  of  the  naturalists,  all  naturals  not  to  know  the  eagle  was  a 
singing  bird ;  Linkum  Fidelius  knew  better,  and  gives  a  long  de 
scription  of  a  bald  eagle  that  serenaded  him  once  in  Canada; — 
digression ;  particular  account  of  the  Canadian  Indians ; — story 
about  Areskou  learning  to  make  fishing  nets  of  a  spider — don't 
believe  it,  though,  because,  according  to  Linkum,  and  many  other 
learned  authorities,  Areskou  is  the  same  as  Mars,  being  derived 
from  his  Greek  name  of  Ares;  and  if  so,  he  knew  well  enough 
what  a  net  was  without  consulting  a  spider ; — story  of  Arachne 
being  changed  into  a  spider  as  a  reward  for  having  hanged  her 
self; — derivation  of  the  word  spinster  from  spider; — Colophon, 
now  Altobosco,  the  birthplace  of  Arachne,  remarkable  for  a  fa 
mous  breed  of  spiders  to  this  day ; — mem. — nothing  like  a  little 
scholarship — make  the  ignoramus,  viz.  the  majority  of  my  readers, 
stare  like  wild  pigeons ; — return  to  New  York  a  short  cut — meet 
a  dashing  belle,  in  a  little  thick  white  veil — tried  to  get  a  peep  at 
her  face — saw  she  squinted  a  little — thought  so  at  first ; — never 
saw  a  face  covered  with  a  veil  that  was  worth  looking  at ; — saw 
some  ladies  holding  a  conversation  across  the  street  about  going 
to  church  next  Sunday — talked  so  loud  they  frightened  a  cart- 
man's  horse,  who  ran  away,  and  overset  a  basket  of  gingerbread 
with  a  little  boy  under  it ;  mem. — I  don't  much  see  the  use  of 
speaking-trumpets  now-a-days. 


CHAPTER   V. 

Bought  a  pair  of  gloves ;  dry -good  stores  the  genuine  schools 
of  politeness — true  Parisian  manners  there — got  a  pair  of  gloves 
and  a  pistareen's  worth  of  bows  for  a  dollar — dog  cheap  ! — Court- 
landt-street  corner — famous  place  to  see  the  belles  go  by — quere» 
ever  been  shopping  with  a  lady  ? — some  account  of  it — ladies  go 
into  all  the  shops  in  the  city  to  buy  a  pair  of  gloves — good  way 
of  spending  time,  if  they  have  nothing  else  to  do. — Oswego  mar 
ket — looks  very  much  like  a  triumphal  arch — some  account  of  the 
manner  of  erecting  them  in  ancient  times ;  digression  to  the  arch- 
duke  Charles,  and  some  account  of  the  ancient  Germans.  N.B. — 
quote  Tacitus  on  this  subject. — Particular  description  of  market- 
baskets,  butchers'  blocks,  and  wheelbarrows ; — mem.  queer  things 


SALMAGUNDI.  JJ9 

run  upon  one  wheel ! — Saw  a  cartman  driving  full  tilt  through 
Broadway — run  over  a  child — good  enough  for  it — what  business 
had  it  to  be  in  the  way  ? — Hint  concerning  the  laws  against  pigs, 
goats,  dogs,  and  cartmeri — grand  apostrophe"  to  the  sublime  sci 
ence  of  jurisprudence ; — comparison  between  legislators  and  tin 
kers  ;  quere,  whether  it  requires  greater  ability  to  mend  a  law 
than  to  mend  a  kettle  ? — inquiry  into  the  utility  of  making  laws 
that  are  broken  a  hundred  times  in  a  day  with  impunity ; — my 
Lord  Coke's  opinion  on  the  subject :  my  Lord  a  very  great  man 
— so  was  Lord  Bacon :  a  good  story  about  a  criminal  named  Hog 
claiming  relationship  with  him. — Hogg's  porter-house  ; — a  great 
haunt  of  "Will  Wizard ;  Will  put  down  there  one  night  by  a  sea- 
captain,  in  an  argument  concerning  the  era  of  the  Chinese  em 
pire  Whangpo ; — Hogg's  a  capital  place  for  hearing  the  same 
stories,  the  same  jokes,  and  the  same  songs  every  night  in  the 
year — mem.  except  Sunday  nights ;  fine  school  for  young  politi 
cians  too — some  of  the  longest  and  thickest  heads  in  the  city 
come  there  to  settle  the  nation. — Scheme  of  Ichabod  Fungus  to 
restore  the  balance  of  Europe ; — digression  ; — some  account  of 
the  balance  of  Europe ;  comparison  between  it  and  a  pair  of 
scales,  with  the  Emperor  Alexander  in  one  and  the  Emperor  Na 
poleon  in  the  other :  fine  fellows — both  of  a  weight,  can't  tell 
which  will  kick  the  beam : — mem.  don't  care  much  either — 
nothing  to  me : — Ichabod  very  unhappy  about  it — thinks  Napo 
leon  has  an  eye  on  this  country — capital  place  to  pasture  his 
horses,  and  provide  for  the  rest  of  his  family: — Dey-street — 
ancient  Dutch  name  of  it,  signifying  murderers'-valley,  formerly 
the  site  of  a  great  peach  orchard ;  my  grandmother's  history  of 
the  famous  Peach  war — arose  from  an  Indian  stealing  peaches 
out  of  this  orchard ;  good  cause  as  need  be  for  a  war ;  just  as 
good  as  the  balance  of  power.  Anecdote  of  a  war  between  two 
Italian  states  about  a  bucket ;  introduce  some  capital  new  truisms 
about  the  folly  of  mankind,  the  ambition  of  kings,  potentates, 
and  princes;  particularly  Alexander,  Cassar,  Charles  the  XHth, 
Napoleon,  little  King  Pepin,  and  the  great  Charlemagne. — Con 
clude  with  an  exhortation  to  the  present  race  of  sovereigns  to 
keep  the  king's  peace,  and  abstain  from  all  those  deadly  quarrels 
which  produce  battle,  murder,  and  sudden  death :  mem.  ran  my 
nose  against  a  lamp-post — conclude  in  great  dudgeon. 


R^  -*•'*< 

FROM  MY  ELBOW  CHAl^, 

OUR  cousin  Pindar,  after  having  been  confined  f»r  some  time 
past  with  a  fit  of  the  gout,  which  is  a  kind  of  keepsakS~'in  our 


140  SALMAGUNDI. 

family,  has  again  set  his  mill  going,  as  my  readers  will  perceive. 
On  reading  his  piece  I  could  not  help  smiling  at  the  high  compli 
ments  which,  contrary  to  his  usual  style,  he  has  lavished  on  the 
dear  sex.  The  old  gentleman,  unfortunately  observing  my  mer 
riment,  stumped  out  of  the  room  with  great  vociferation  of  crutch, 
and  has  not  exchanged  three  words  with  me  since.  I  expect 
every  hour  to  hear  that  he  has  packed  up  his  moveables,  and,  as 
usual  in  all  cases  of  disgust,  retreated  to  his  old  country  house. 

Pindar,  like  most  of  the  old  Cockloft  heroes,  is  wonderfully  sus 
ceptible  to  the  genial  influence  of  warm  weather.  In  winter  he 
is  one  of  the  most  crusty  old  bachelors  under  heaven,  and  is  wick 
edly  addicted  to  sarcastic  reflections  of  every  kind,  particularly 
on  the  little  enchanting  foibles  and  whim-whams  of  women.  But 
when  the  spring  comes  on,  and  the  mild  influence  of  the  sun 
releases  nature  from  her  icy  fetters,  the  ice  of  his  bosom  dissolves 
into  a  gentle  current  which  reflects  the  bewitching  qualities  of 
the  fair ;  as  in  some  mild,  clear  evening,  when  nature  reposes  in 
silence,  the  stream  bears  in  its  pure  bosom  all  the  starry  magnifi 
cence  of  heaven.  It  is  under  the  control  of  this  influence  he  has 
written  his  piece ;  and  I  beg  the  ladies,  in  the  plenitude  of  their 
harmless  conceit,  not  to  flatter  themselves  that  because  the  good 
Pindar  has  suffered  them  to  escape  his  censures  he  had  nothing 
more  to  censure.  It  is  but  sunshine  and  zephyrs  which  have 
wrought  this  wonderful  change ;  and  I  am  much  mistaken  if  the 
first  north-easter  don't  convert  all  his  good  nature  into  most  ex 
quisite  spleen. 


FROM  THE  MILL  OF  PINDAR  COCKLOFT,  ESQ. 

How  often  I  cast  my  reflections  behind, 
Arid  call  up  the  days  of  past  youth  to  my  mind 
When  folly  assails  in  habiliments  new, 
When  fashion  obtrudes  some  fresh  whim-wham  to  view ; 
When  the  foplings  of  fashion  bedazzle  my  sight, 
Bewilder  my  feelings — my  senses  benight ; 
I  retreat  in  disgust  from  the  world  of  to-day, 
To  commune  with  the  world  that  has  moulder'd  away ; 
To  converse  with  the  shades  of  those  friends  of  my  love , 
Long  gather'd  in  peace  to  the  angels  above. 

In  my  rambles  through  life  should  I  meet  with  annoy, 
From  the  bold  beardless  stripling — the  turbid  pert  boy, 
One  rear'd  in  the  mode  lately  reckon'd  genteel, 
Which  neglecting  the  head,  aims  to  perfect  the  heel ; 
Which  completes  the  sweet  fopling  while  yet  in  his  teens, 


SALMAGUNDL  14 1 

And  fits  him  for  fashion's  light  changeable  scenes; 
Proclaims  him  a  man  to  the  near  and  the  far, 
Can  lie  dance  a  cotilion  or  smoke  a  segar; 
And  though  brainless  and  vapid  as  vapid  can  be, 
To  routs  and  to  parties  pronounces  him  free : — 
Oh,  I  think  on  the  beaux  that  existed  of  yore, 
On  those  rules  of  the  ton  that  exist  now  no  more ! 

I  recall  with  delight  how  each  yonker  at  first 
In  the  cradle  of  science  and  virtue  was  nursed: 
— How  the  graces  of  person  and  graces  of  mind, 
The  polish  of  learning  and  fashion  combined, 
Till  softened  in  manners  and  strengthened  in  head, 
By  the  classical  lore  of  the  living  and  dead, 
Matured  in  his  person  till  manly  in  size, 
He  then  was  presented  a  beau  to  our  eyes ! 

My  nieces  of  late  have  made  frequent  complaint 
That  they  suffer  vexation  and  painful  constraint, 
By  having  their  circles  too  often  distrest 
By  some  three  or  four  goslings  just  fledged  from  the  nest, 
Who,  propp'd  by  the  credit  their  fathers  sustain, 
Alike  tender  in  years  and  in  person  and  brain, 
But  plenteously  stock'd  with  that  substitute  brass, 
For  true  wits  and  critics  would  anxiously  pass. 
They  complain  of  that  empty  sarcastical  slang, 
So  common  to  all  the  coxcombical  gang, 
"Who  the  fair  with  their  shallow  experience  vex, 
By  thrumming  for  ever  their  weakness  of  sex; 
And  who  boast  of  themselves,  when  they  talk  with  proud  air 
Of  MAN'S  mental  ascendency  over  the  fair. 

'Twas  thus  the  young  owlet  produced  in  the  nest, 
Where  the  eagle  of  Jove  her  young  eagletg  had  prest, 
Pretended  to  boast  of  his  royal  descent, 
And  vaunted  that  force  which  to  eagles  is  lent. 
Though  fated  to  shun  with  his  dim  visual  ray, 
The  cheering  delights  and  the  brilliance  of  day ; 
To  forsake  the  fair  regioas  of  aether  and  light, 
For  dull  moping  caverns  of  darkness  and  night: 
Still  talk'd  of  that  eagle-like  strength  of  the  eye, 
Which  approaches  unwinking  the  pride  of  the  sky, 
Of  that  wing  which  unwearied  can  hover  and  play 
In  the  noon-tide  effulgence  and  torrent  of  day. 

Dear  girls,  the  sad  evils  of  which  ye  complain 
Your  sex  must  endure  from  the  feeble  and  vain, 
'Tis  the  common  place  jest  of  the  nursery  scape-goat, 
'Tis  the  common  place  ballad  that  croaks  from  his  throat  ; 
He  knows  not  that  nature — that  polish  decrees, 
That  women  should  always  endeavor  to  please: 
That  the  law  of  their  system  has  early  imprest 
The  importance  of  fitting  themselves  to  each  guest ; 


142  SALMAGUNDI. 

And,  of  course,  that  full  oft  when  yo  trifle  and  play, 
'Tis  to  gratify  trirlers  who  strut  in  your  way. 
The  child  might  as  well  of  its  mother  complain, 
As  wanting  true  wisdom  and  soundness  of  brain ; 
Because  that,  at  times,  while  it  hangs  on  her  breast, 
She  with  "  lulla-by-baby"  beguiles  it  to  rest. 
'Tis  its  weakness  of  mind  that  induces  the  strain, 
For  wisdom  to  infants  is  prattled  in  vain. 

'Tis  true  at  odd  times,  when  in  frolicksome  fit, 
In  the  midst  of  his  gambols,  the  mischievous  wit 
May  start  some  light  foible  that  clings  to  the  fair 
Like  cobwebs  that  fasten  to  objects  most  rare. — 
In  the  play  of  his  fancy  will  sportively  say 
Some  delicate  censure  that  pops  in  his  way. 
He  may  smile  at  your  fashions,  and  frankly  express 
His  dislike  of  a  dance,  or  a  flaming  red  dress ; 
Yet  he  blames  not  your  want  of  man's  physical  force, 
Nor  complains  though  ye  cannot  in  Latin  discourse. 
He  delights  in  the  language  of  nature  ye  speak, 
Though  not  so  refined  as  true  classical  Greek. 
He  remembers  that  providence  never  design'd 
Our  females  like  suns  to  bewilder  and  blind ; 
But  like  the  mild  orb  of  pale  ev'ning  serene, 
Whose  radiance  illumines,  yet  softens  the  scene, 
To  light  us  with  cheering  and  welcoming  ray, 
Along  the  rude  path  when  the  sun  is  away. 

I  own  in  my  scribblings  I  lately  have  nam'd 
Some  faults  of  our  fair  which  I  gently  have  blam'd, 
But  be  it  for  ever  by  all  understood 
My  censures  were  only  pronounc'd  for  their  good. 
I  delight  in  the  sex,  'tis  the  pride  of  my  mind 
To  consider  them  gentle,  endearing,  refin'd ; 
As  our  solace  below  in  the  journey  of  life, 
To  smooth  its  rough  passes ; — to  soften  its  strife : 
As  objects  intended  our  joys  to  supply, 
And  to  lead  us  in  love  to  the  temples  on  high. 
How  oft  have  I  felt,  when  two  lucid  blue  eyes, 
As  calm  and  as  bright  as  the  gems  of  the  skies, 
Have  beanrd  their  soft  radiance  into  my  soul, 
Impress'd  with  an  awe  like  an  angel's  control  1 

Yes,  fair  ones,  by  this  is  for  ever  defin'd 
The  fop  from  the  man  of  refinement  and  mind; 
The  latter  believes  ye  in  bounty  were  given 
As  a  bond  upon  earth  of  our  union  with  heaven: 
And  if  ye  are  weak,  and  are  frail,  in  his  view, 
'Tis  to  call  forth  fresh  warmth  and  his  fondness  renew. 
'Tis  his  joy  to  support  these  defects  of  your  frame, 
And  his  love  at  your  weakness  redoubles  its  flame; 
He  rejoices  the  gem  is  so  rich  and  so  fair, 
And  is  proud  that  it  claims  his  protection  and  care. 


SALMAGUNDI.  143 


NO.  XIIL— FRIDAY,  AUGUST  14,  1807. 
FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR 

I  was  not  a  little  perplexed,  a  short  time  since,  by  the  eccentric 
conduct  of  my  knowing  coadjutor  Will  Wizard.  For  two  or  three 
days,  he  was  completely  in  a  quandary.  He  would  come  into  old 
Cockloft's  parlor  ten  times  a  day,  swinging  his  ponderous  legs 
along,  with  his  usual  vast  strides,  clap  his  hands  into  his  sides, 
contemplate  the  little  shepherdesses  on  the  mantel-piece  for  a  few 
minutes,  whistling  all  the  while,  and  then  sally  out  full  sweep, 
without  uttering  a  word.  To  be  sure  a  pish  or  a  pshaw  occasion 
ally  escaped  him ;  and  he  was  observed  once  to  pull  out  his 
enormous  tobacco-box,  drum  for  a  moment  upon  its  lid  with  his 
knuckles,  and  then  return  it  into  his  pocket  without  taking  a 
quid: — 'twas  evident  Will  was  full  of  some  mighty  idea: — not 
that  his  restlessness  was  any  way  uncommon ;  ibr  I  have  often 
seen  Will  throw  himself  almost  in  a  fever  of  heat  and  fatigue — 
doing  nothing.  But  his  inflexible  taciturnity  set  the  whole  family, 
as  usual,  a  wondering:  as  Will  seldom  enters  the  house  without 
giving  one  of  his  "  one  thousand  and  one  "  stories.  For  my  part, 
I  began  to  think  that  the  late  fracas  at  Canton  had  alarmed  Will 
for  the  safety  of  his  friends  Kinglun,  Chinqua,  and  Consequa ;  or, 
that  something  had  gone  wrong  in  the  alterations  of  the  theatre — 
or  that  some  new  outrage  at  Norfolk  had  put  him  in  a  worry ;  in 
short,  I  did  not  know  what  to  think ;  for  Will  is  such  an  univer 
sal  busy-body,  and  meddles  so  much  in  every  thing  going  forward, 
that  you  might  as  well  attempt  to  conjecture  what  is  going  on  in 
the  north  star,  as  in  his  precious  pericranium.  Even  Mrs.  Cock 
loft  who,  like  a  worthy  woman  as  she  is,  seldom  troubles  herself 
about  any  thing  in  this  world — saving  the  affairs  of  her  household, 
and  the  correct  deportment  of  her  female  friends,  was  struck  with 
the  mystery  of  Will's  behavior.  She  happened,  when  he  came 
hi  and  went  out  the  tenth  time,  to  be  busy  darning  the  bottom  of 
one  of  the  old  red  damask  chairs ;  and  notwithstanding  this  is  to 
her  an  affair  of  vast  importance,  yet,  she  could  not  help  turning 
round  and  exclaiming,  "I  wonder  what  can  be  the  matter  with 
Mr.  Wizard  ?"  "  Nothing,"  replied  old  Christopher,  "  only  we  shall 
have  an  eruption  soon,"  The  old  lady  did  not  understand  a  word 
of  this,  neither  did  she  care ;  she  had  expressed  her  wonder ;  and 
that,  with  her,  is  always  sufficient 


144  SALMAGUNDI. 

I  am  so  well  acquainted  with  Will's  peculiarities  that  I  can  tell, 
even  by  his  whistle,  when  he  is  about  an  essay  for  our  paper  as 
certainly  as  a  weather  wiseacre  knows  that  it  is  going  to  rain 
when  he  sees  a  pig  run  squeaking  about  with  his  nose  in  the 
wind.  I,  therefore,  laid  my  account  with  receiving  a  communica 
tion  from  him  before  long ;  and  sure  enough,  the  evening  before 
last  I  distinguished  his  free-mason  knock  at  my  door.  I  have 
seen  many  wise  men  in  my  time,  philosophers,  mathematicians, 
astronomers,  politicians,  editors,  and  almanac  makers;  but  never 
did  I  see  a  man  look  half  so  wise  as  did  my  friend  Wizard  on  en 
tering  the  room.  Had  Lavater  beheld  him  at  that  moment  he 
would  have  set  him  down,  to  a  certainty,  as  a  fellow  who  had 
just  discovered  the  longitude  or  the  philosopher's  stone. 

"Without  saying  a  word,  he  handed  me  a  roll  of  paper ;  after 
which  he  lighted  his  segar,  sat  down,  crossed  his  legs,  folded  his 
arms,  and  elevating  his  nose  to  an  angle  of  about  forty-five  degrees, 
began  to  smoke  like  a  steam  engine ; — Will  delights  in  the  pic 
turesque.  On  opening  his  budget,  and  perceiving  the  motto,  it 
struck  me  that  Will  had  brought  me  one  of  his  confounded  Chinese 
manuscripts,  and  I  w^as  forthwith  going  to  dismiss  it  with  indigna 
tion  ;  but  accidentally  seeing  the  name  of  our  oracle,  the  sage 
Linkum,  of  whose  inestimable  folios  we  pride  ourselves  upon 
being  the  sole  possessors,  I  began  to  think  the  better  of  it,  and 
looked  round  to  Will  to  express  approbation.  I  shall  never  forget 
the  figure  he  cut  at  that  moment !  He  had  watched  my  counte 
nance,  on  opening  his  manuscript,  with  the  argus  eyes  of  an 
author;  and  perceiving  some  tokens  of  disapprobation,  began, 
according  to  custom,  to  puff'  away  at  his  segar,  with  such  vigor 
that  in  a  few  minutes  he  had  entirely  involved  himself  in  smoke ; 
except  his  nose  and  one  foot,  which  were  just  visible,  the  latter 
wagging  with  great  velocity.  I  believe  I  have  hinted  before — at 
least  I  ought  to  have  done  so — that  Will's  nose  is  a  very  goodly 
nose ;  to  which  it  may  be  as  well  to  add,  that,  in  his  voyages  un 
der  the  tropics,  it  has  acquired  a  copper  complexion,  which  renders 
it  very  brilliant  and  luminous.  You  may  imagine  what  a  sump 
tuous  appearance  it  made,  projecting  boldly,  like  the  celebrated 
promontorium  nasidium  at  Samos  with  a  light-house  upon  it,  and 
surrounded  on  all  sides  with  smoke  and  vapor.  Had  my  gravity 
been  like  the  Chinese  philosopher's  "within  one  degree  of  absolute 
frigidity."  here  would  have  been  a  trial  for  it.  I  could  not  stand 
it, but  burst  into  such  a  laugh  as  I  do  not  indulge  in  above  once  in 
a  hundred  years ; — this  was  too  much  for  Will ;  he  emerged  from 
his  cloud,  threw  his  segar  into  the  fire-place,  and  strode  out  of  the 
room  pulling  up  his  breeches,  muttering  something  which,  I  verily 
believe,  was  nothing  more  than  a  horrible  long  Chinese  maledic 
tion. 

He  however  left  his  manuscript  behind  him,  which  I  now  give 
to  the  world.  Whether  he  is  serious  on  the  occasion,  or  only 
bantering,  no  one,  I  believe,  can  tell :  for,  whether  in  speaking  or 


SALMAGUNDI.  145 

writing,  there  is  such  an  invincible  gravity  in  his  demeanor  and 
style,  that  even  I,  who  have  studied  him  as  closely  as  an  antiqua 
rian  studies  an  old  manuscript  or  inscription,  am  frequently  at  a 
loss  to  know  what  the  rogue  would  be  at.  I  have  seen  him  in 
dulge  in  his  favorite  amusement  of  quizzing  for  hours  together, 
without  any  one  having  the  least  suspicion  of  the  matter,  until  he 
would  suddenly  twist  his  pliiz  into  an  expression  that  baffles  all 
description,  thrust  his  tongue  in  his  cheek  and  blow  up  in  a  laugh 
almost  as  loud  as  the  shout  of  the  Romans  on  a  certain  occasion; 
which  honest  Plutarch  avers  frightened  several  crows  to  such  a 
degree  that  they  fell  down  stone  dead  into  the  Campus  Martius. 
Jeremy  Cockloft  the  younger,  who,  like  a  true  modern  philosopher, 
delights  in  experiments  that  are  of  no  kind  of  use,  took  the  trouble 
to  measure  one  of  Will's  risible  explosions,  and  declared  to  me 
that,  according  to  accurate  measurement,  it  contained  thirty  feet 
square  of  solid  laughter : — what  will  the  professors  say  to  this  ? 


PLANS  FOR  DEFENDING  OUR  HARBOR. 

BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,  ESQ. 

Long-fong  teko  buzz  tor-pe-do, 

Fudge CONFUCIUS. 

We'll  blow  the  villains  all  sky  high ; 

But  do  it  with  econo my.  LINK.  FID. 

SURELY  never  was  a  town  more  subject  to  midsummer  fancies 
and  dog-day  whim- whams,  than  this  most  excellent  of  cities ; — our 
notions,  like  our  diseases,  seem  all  epidemic ;  and  no  sooner  does 
a  new  disorder  or  a  new  freak  seize  one  individual  but  it  is  sure 
to  run  through  all  the  community.  This  is  particularly  the  case 
when  the  summer  is  at  the  hottest,  and  every  body's  head  is  in  a 
vertigo  and  his  brain  in  a  ferment ;  'tis  absolutely  necessary  then 
the  poor  souls  should  have  some  bubble  to  amuse  themselves  with, 
or  they  would  certainly  run  mad.  Last  year  the  poplar  worm 
made  its  appearance  most  fortunately  for  our  citizens ;  and  every 
body  was  so  much  in  horror  of  being  poisoned,  and  devoured ; 
and  so  busied  in  making  humane  experiments  on  cats  and  dogs, 
that  we  got  through  the  summer  quite  comfortably ; — the  cats  had 
the  worst  of  it ; — every  mouser  of  them  was  shaved,  and  there 
was  not  a  whisker  to  be  seen  in  the  whole  sisterhood.  This  sum 
mer  every  body  has  had  full  employment  in  planning  fortifications 
for  our  harbor.  Not  a  cobbler  or  tailor  in  the  city  but  has  left 
his  awl  and  his  thimble,  became  an  engineer  outright,  and  aspired 
10 


14G  SALMAGUNDI. 

most  magnanimously  to  the  building  of  forts  and  destruction  of 
natives ! — heavens !  as  my  friend  Mustapha  would  say,  on  what  a 
great  scale  is  every  thing  in  this  country! 

Among  the  various  plans  that  have  been  offered  the  most  con 
spicuous  is  one  devised  and  exhibited,  as  I  am  informed,  by  that 
notable  confederacy,  THE  NORTH  RIVER  SOCIETY. 

Anxious  to  redeem  their  reputation  from  the  foul  suspicions 
that  have  for  a  long  time  overclouded  it,  these  aquatic  incendiaries 
have  come  forward,  at  the  present  alarming  juncture,  and  an 
nounced  a  most  potent  discovery  which  is  to  guarantee  our  port 
from  the  visits  of  any  foreign  marauders.  The  society  have,  it 
Beems,  invented  a  cunning  machine,  shrewdly  3rclep'd  a  Torpedo ; 
by  which  the  stoutest  line  of  battle  ship,  even  a  Santissima  Trim- 
dada,  may  be  caught  napping  and  decomposed  in  a  twinkling;  a 
kind  of  sub-marine  powder  magazine  to  swim  under  water,  like  an 
aquatic  mole,  or  water  rat,  and  destroy  the  enemy  in  the  moments 
of  unsuspicious  security. 

This  straw  tickled  the  noses  of  all  our  dignitaries  wonderfully ; 
for  to  do  our  government  justice,  it  has  no  objection  to  injuring 
and  exterminating  its  enemies  in  any  manner — provided  the  thing 
can  be  done  economically. 

It  was  determined  the  experiment  should  be  tried,  and  an 
old  brig  was  purchased,  for  not  more  than  twice  its  value,  and  de 
livered  over  into  the  hands  of  its  tormentors,  the  North  River 
Society,  to  be  tortured,  and  battered,  and  annihilated,  secundum 
artem.  A  day  was  appointed  for  the  occasion,  when  all  the  good 
citizens  of  the  wonder-loving  city  of  Gotham  were  invited  to  the 
blowing  up ;  like  the  fat  inn-keeper  in  Rabelais,  who  requested  all 
his  customers  to  come  on  a  certain  day  and  see  him  burst. 

As  I  have  almost  as  great  a  veneration  as  the  good  Mr.  Walter 
Shandy  for  all  kinds  of  experiments  that  are  ingeniously  ridiculous, 
I  made  very  particular  mention  of  the  one  in  question  at  the  ta 
ble  of  my  friend  Christopher  Cockloft ;  but  it  put  the  honest  old 
gentleman  in  a  violent  passion.  He  condemned  it  in  toto  as  an 
attempt  to  introduce  a  dastardly  and  exterminating  mode  of  war 
fare.  "  Already  have  we  proceeded  far  enough,"  said  he,  "  in  the 
science  of  destruction;  war  is  already  invested  with  sufficient 
horrors  and  calamities,  let  us  not  increase  the  catalogue ;  let  us 
not  by  these  deadly  artifices  provoke  a  system  of  insidious  and  in 
discriminate  hostility,  that  shall  terminate  in  laying  our  cities  deso 
late,  and  exposing  our  women,  our  children,  and  our  infirm,  to 
the  sword  of  pitiless  recrimination."  Honest  old  cavalier ! — it 
was  evident  he  did  not  reason  as  a  true  politician, — but  he  felt  as 
a  Christian  and  philanthropist ;  and  that  was  perhaps  just  as  well. 

It  may  be  readily  supposed,  that  our  citizens  did  not  refuse  the 
invitation  of  the  society  to  the  blow-up ;  it  was  the  first  naval  ac 
tion  ever  exhibited  in  our  port,  and  the  good  people  ah1  crowded 
to  see  the  British  navy  blown  up  in  effigy.  The  young  ladies 
were  delighted  with  the  novelty  of  the  show,  and  declared  that 


SALMAGUNDI.  147 

if  war  could  be  conducted  in  this  manner,  it  would  become  a 
fashionable  amusement ;  and  the  destruction  of  a  fleet  be  as  plea 
sant  as  a  ball  or  a  tea-party.  The  old  folk  were  equally  pleased 
with  the  spectacle, — because  it  cost  them  nothing.  Dear  souls, 
how  hard  was  it  they  should  be  disappointed !  the  brig  most  ob 
stinately  refused  to  be  decomposed;  the  dinners  were  cold,  and 
the  puddings  were  overboiled,  throughout  the  renowned  city  of 
Gotham ;  and  its  sapient  inhabitants,  like  the  honest  Stras- 
burghers,  from  whom  most  of  them  are  doubtless  descended,  who 
went  out  to  see  the  courteous  stranger  and  his  nose,  all  returned 
home  after  having  threatened  to  pull  down  the  flag-staff  by  way 
of  taking  satisfaction  for  their  disappointment.  By  the  way, 
there  is  not  an  animal  in  the  world  more  discriminating  in  its  ven 
geance  than  a  free  born  mob. 

In  the  evening  I  repaired  to  friend  Hogg's,  to  smoke  a  sociable 
segar,  but  had  scarcely  entered  the  room  when  I  was  taken 
prisoner  by  my  friend,  Mr.  Ichabod  Fungus;  who  I  soon  saw  was 
at  his  usual  trade  of  prying  into  mill -stones.  The  old  gentleman 
informed  me,  that  the  brig  had  actually  blown-up,  after  a  world 
of  manceuvering,  and  had  nearly  blown  up  the  society  with  it ;  he 
seemed  to  entertain  strong  doubts  as  to  the  objects  of  the  so 
ciety  in  the  invention  of  these  infernal  machines ; — hinted  a  sus 
picion  of  their  wishing  to  set  the  river  on  fire,  and  that  he  should 
not  be  surprised  on  waking  one  of  these  mornings  to  find  tho 
Hudson  in  a  blaze.  "Not  that  I  disapprove  of  the  plan,"  said 
he,  "  provided  it  has  the  end  in  view  which  they  profess ;  no,  no, 
an  excellent  plan  of  defence ; — no  need  of  batteries,  forts,  frigates, 
and  gun-boats ;  observe,  sir,  all  that's  necessary  is  that  the  ships 
must  come  to  anchor  in  a  convenient  place ; — watch  must  be 
asleep,  or  so  complacent  as  not  to  disturb  any  boats  paddling 
about  them — fair  wind  and  tide — no  moonlight — machines  well- 
directed — mustn't  flash  in  the  plan — bang's  the  word,  and  the 
vessel's  blown  up  in  a  moment !"  "  Good,"  said  I,  "you  remind 
me  of  a  lubberly  Chinese  who  was  flogged  by  an  honest  captain 
of  my  acquaintance,  and  who,  on  being-  advised  to  retaliate,  ex 
claimed — "Hi  yah!  spose  two  men  hold  fast  him  captain,  den 
very  mush  me  bamboo  he  1" 

The  old  gentleman  grew  a  little  crusty,  and  insisted  that  I  did 
not  understand  him  ; — all  that  was  requisite  to  render  the  effect 
certain  was,  that  the  enemy  should  enter  into  the  project;  or,  in 
other  words,  be  agreeable  to  the  measure ;  so  that  if  the  machine 
did  not  come  to  the  ship,  the  ship  should  go  to  the  machine ;  by 
which  means  he  thought  the  success  of  the  machine  would  be 
inevitable — provided  it  struck  fire.  "  But  do  not  you  think/'  said 
I,  doubtingly,  "  that  it  would  be  rather  difficult  to  persuade  the 
enemy  into  such  an  agreement  ? — Some  people  have  an  invinci 
ble  antipathy  to  being  blown  up."  "Not  at  all,  not  at  all,"  re 
plied  he,  triumphantly ;  "  got  an  excellent  notion  for  that ; — do 
with  them  as  we  have  done  with  the  brig ;  buy  all  the  vessels  we 


148  SALMAGUNDI. 

mean  to  destroy,  and  blow  'em  up  as  best  suits  our  convenience. 
I  have  thought  deeply,  on  that  subject  and  have  calculated  to  a 
certainty,  that  if  our  funds  hold  out  we  may  in  this  way  destroy 
the  whole  British  navy — by  contract." 

By  this  time  all  the  quidnuncs  of  the  room  had  gathered  around 
us,  each  pregnant  with  some  mighty  scheme  for  the  salvation  of 
his  country, — One  pathetically  lamented  that  we  had  no  such 
men  among  us  as  the  famous  Toujoursdort  and  Grossitout ;  who, 
when  the  celebrated  captain  Trenchement  made  war  against  the 
city  of  Kalacahabalaba,  utterly  discomfited  the  great  king 
Bigstaff,  and  blew  up  his  whole  army  by  sneezing. — Another  im 
parted  a  sage  idea,  which  seems  to  have  occupied  more  heads 
than  one  ;  that  is,  that  the  best  way  of  fortifying  the  harbor  was 
to  ruin  it  at  once  :  choke  the  channel  with  rocks  and  blocks; 
strew  it  with  chevaux-de-frise  and  torpedoes ;  and  make  it  like  a 
nursery-garden,  full  of  men  traps  and  spring-guns.  No  vessel 
would  then  have  the  temerity  to  enter  our  harbor ;  we  should  not 
even  dare  to  navigate  it  ourselves.  Or,  if  no  cheaper  way  could 
be  devised,  let  Governor's  Island  be  raised  by  levers  arid 
pulleys — floated  with  empty  casks,  &c.,  towed  down  to  the  Nar 
rows,  and  dropped  plump  in  the  very  mouth  of  the  harbor! — 
"But,"  said  I,  "would  not  the  prosecution  of  these  whim-whams 

be  rather  expensive  and  dilatory? "  Pshaw  1"  cried  the  other 

— "what's  a  million  of  money  to  an  experiment;  the  true  spirit 
of  our  economy  requires  that  we  should  spare  no  expense  in  dis 
covering  the  cheapest  mode  of  defending  ourselves ;  and  then  if 
all  these  modes  should  fail,  why  you  know  the  worst  we  have  to 
do  is  to  return  to  the  old  fashioned  hum-drum  mode  of  forts  and 
batteries."  "By  which  time,"  cried  I,  "the  arrival  of  the  enemy 
mav  have  rendered  their  erection  superfluous." 

A  shrewd  old  gentleman  who  stood  listening  by,  with  a  mis 
chievously  equivocal  look,  observed  that  the  most  effectual  mode 
of  repulsing  a  fleet  from  our  ports,  would  be  to  administer  them 
a  proclamation  from  time  to  time,  till  it  operated. 

Unwilling  to  leave  the  company  without  demonstrating  my  pa 
triotism  and  ingenuity,  I  communicated  a  plan  of  defence;  which, 
in  truth  was  suggested  long  since  by  that  infallible  oracle,  Mus- 
TAPHA,  who  had  as  clear  a  head  for  cobweb  weaving  as  ever 
dignified  the  shoulders  of  a  projector.  He  thought  the  most 
effectual  mode  would  be  to  assemble  all  the  slang-wliangers,  great 
and  small,  from  all  parts  of  the  state,  and  marshal  them  at  the 
Batter}'-,  where  they  should  be  exposed  point  blank  to  the  enemy, 
and  form  a  tremendous  body  of  scolding  infantry,  similar  to  the 
poissards  or  doughty  champions  of  Billingsgate.  They  should  be 
exhorted  to  fire  away  without  pity  or  remorse,  in  sheets,  half- 
sheets,  columns,  handbills  or  squibs ;  great  cannon,  little  cannon, 
pica,  germari  text,  stereotype,  and  to  run  their  enemies  through 
and  through  with  sharp-pointed  italics.  They  should  have  or 
ders  to  show  no  quarter — to  blaze  away  in  their  loudest  epithets 


SALMAGUNDI.  1-19 

— "miscreants!"  "murderers!"  "'barbarians!"  "pirates!"  "rob 
bers!"  "BLACKGUARDS!"  and  to  do  away  all  fear  of  consequences, 
they  should  be  guaranteed  from  all  dangers  of  pillory,  kicking, 
cuffing,  nose-pulling,  whipping-post,  or  prosecution  for  libels.  If, 
continued  Mustapha,  you  wish  men  to  fight  well  and  valiantly, 
they  must  be  allowed  those  weapons  they  have  been  used  to 
handle.  Your  countrymen  are  notoriously  adroit  in  the  manage 
ment  of  the  tongue  and  the  pen,  and  conduct  all  their  battles  by 
speeches  or  newspapers.  Adopt,  therefore,  the  plan  I  have 
pointed  out ;  and  rely  upon  it  that,  let  any  fleet,  however  large, 
be  but  once  assailed  by  this  battery  of  slang-whangers,  and  if 
they  have  not  entirely  lost  the  sense  of  hearing,  or  a  regard  for 
their  own  characters  and  feelings,  they  will,  at  the  very  first  fire, 
slip  their  cables,  and  retreat  with  as  much  precipitation  as  if  they 
had  unwarily  entered  into  the  atmosphere  of  the  Bohan  upas.  In 
this  manner  may  your  wars  be  conducted  with  proper  economy ; 
and  it  will  cost  no  more  to  drive  off  a  fleet  than  to  write  up  a 
party,  or  write  down  a  bashaw  with  three  tails. 

The  sly  old  gentleman  I  have  before  mentioned,  was  highly 
delighted  with  this  plan ;  and  proposed,  as  an  improvement,  that 
mortars  should  be  placed  on  the  battery,  which,  instead  of  throw 
ing  shells  and  such  trifles,  might  be  charged  with  newspapers, 
Tammany  addresses,  &c.,  by  way  of  red-hot  shot,  which  would 
undoubtedly  be  very  potent  in  blowing  up  any  powder  magazine 
they  might  chance  to  come  in  contact  with.  He  concluded  by 
informing  the  company,  that  in  the  course  of  a  few  evenings  he 
would  have  the  honor  to  present  them  with  a  scheme  for  loading 
certain  vessels  with  newspapers,  resolutions  of  "numerous  and 
respectable  meetings,"  and  other  combustibles,  which  vessels 
were  to  be  blown  directly  in  the  midst  of  the  enemy  by  the  bel 
lows  of  the  slang-whangers ;  and  he  was  much  mistaken  if  they 
would  not  be  more  fatal  than  fireships,  bomb-ketches,  gun-boats, 
or  even  torpedos. 

These  are  but  two  or  three  specimens  of  the  nature  and  efficacy 
of  the  innumerable  plans  with  which  this  city  abounds.  Every 
body  seems  charged  to  the  muzzle  with  gunpowder, — every  eye 
flashes  fireworks  and  torpedos, — and  every  corner  is  occupied  by 
knots  of  inflammatory  projectors,  not  one  of  whom  but  has  some 
preposterous  mode  of  destruction,  which  he  has  proved  to  be  in 
fallible  by  a  previous  experiment  in  a  tub  of  water ! 

Even  Jeremy  Cockloft  has  caught  the  infection,  to  the  great 
annoyance  of  the  inhabitants  of  Cockloft  Hall,  whither  he  retired 
to  make  his  experiments  undisturbed.  At  one  time  all  the  mir 
rors  in  the  house  were  unhung, — their  collected  rays  thrown  into 
the  hot-house,  to  try  Archimedes'  plan  of  burning-glasses ;  and 
the  honest  old  gardener  was  almost  knocked  down  by  what  he 
mistook  for  a  stroke  of  the  sun,  but  which  turned  out  to  be  nothing 
more  than  a  sudden  attack  of  one  of  these  tremendous  jack-o'- 
lanterns.  It  became  dangerous  to  walk  through  the  courtyard 


150  SALMAGUNDI. 

for  fear  of  an  explosion ;  and  the  whole  family  was  thrown  into 
absolute  distress  and  consternation,  by  a  letter  from  the  old 
housekeeper  to  Mrs.  Cockloft,  informing  her  of  his  having  blown 
up  a  favorite  Chinese  gander,  which  I  had  brought  from  Canton, 
as  he  was  majestically  sailing  in  the  duck-pond. 

"In  the  multitude  of  counsellors  there  is  safety ;"  if  so,  the  de 
fenceless  city  of  Gotham  has  nothing  to  apprehend ; — but  much 
do  I  fear  that  so  many  excellent  arid  infallible  projects  will  be 
presented,  that  we  shall  be  at  a  loss  which  to  adopt;  and  the 
peaceable  inhabitants  fare  like  a  famous  projector  of  my  acquaint 
ance,  whose  house  was  unfortunately  plundered  while  he  was 
contriving  a  patent  lock  to  secure  his  door. 


FROM   MY    ELBOW-CHAIR.— A  RKTROvSPECT,   OR, 
"WHAT  YOU   WILL." 

LOLLING  in  my  elbow-chair  this  fine  summer  noon,  I  feel  myself 
insensibly  yielding  to  that  genial  feeling  of  indolence  the  season 
is  so  well  fitted  to  inspire.  Every  one  who  is  blessed  with  a 
little  of  the  delicious  languor  of  disposition  that  delights  in  repose, 
must  often  have  sported  among  the  fairy  scenes,  the  golden 
visions,  the  voluptuous  reveries,  that  swim  before  the  imagina 
tion  at  such  moments,  and  which  so  much  resemble  those  blissful 
sensations  a  Mussulman  enjoys  after  his  favorite  indulgence  of 
opium,  which  "Will  Wizard  declares  can  be  compared  to  nothing 
but  "  swimming  in  an  ocean  of  peacocks'  feathers."  In  such  a 
mood  everybody  must  be  sensible  it  would  be  idle  and  unprofit 
able  for  a  man  to  send  his  wits  a  gadding  on  a  voyage  of  disco 
very  into  futurity,  or  even  to  trouble  himself  with  a  laborious  in 
vestigation  of  what  is  actually  passing  under  his  eye.  We  are, 
at  such  times,  more  disposed  to  resort  to  the  pleasures  of  memory 
than  to  those  of  the  imagination ;  and  like  the  wayfaring  traveller, 
reclining  for  a  moment  on  his  staff,  had  rather  contemplate  the 
ground  we  have  travelled,  than  the  region  which  is  yet  before  u«. 

I  could  here  amuse  myself,  and  stultify  my  readers,  with  a  most 
elaborate  and  ingenious  parallel  between  authors  and  travellers ; 
but  in  this  balmy  season  which  makes  men  stupid  and  dogs  mad, 
and  when,  doubtless,  many  of  our  most  strenuous  admirers  have 
great  difficulty  in  keeping  awake  through  the  day,  it  would  be 
cruel  to  saddle  them  with  the  formidable  difficulty  of  putting  two 
ideas  together  and  drawing  a  conclusion,  or,  in  the  learned  phrase, 
forging  syllogisms  in  JBaroco, — a  terrible  undertaking  for  the  dog- 
days  !  to  say  the  truth,  my  observations  were  only  intended  to 
prove  that  this,  of  all  others,  is  the  most  auspicious  moment,  and 


SALMAGUNDI.  151 

my  present,  the  most  favorable  mood  for  indulging  in  a  retrospect. 
Whether,  like  certain  great  personages  of  the  day,  in  attempting 
to  prove  one  thing,  I  have  exposed  another ;  or  whether,  like  cer 
tain  other  great  personages,  in  attempting  to  prove  a  great  deal,  I 
have  proved  nothing  at  all,  I  leave  to  my  readers  to  decide,  pro 
vided  they  have  the  power  and  inclination  so  to  do ;  but  a  RETRO 
SPECT  will  I  take  notwithstanding. 

I  am  perfectly  aware  that  in  doing  this  I  shall  lay  myself  open 
to  the  charge  of  imitation,  than  which  a  man  might  be  better 
accused  of  downright  housebreaking;  for  it  has  been  a  standing 
rule  with  many  of  my  illustrious  predecessors,  occasionally,  and 
particularly  at  the  conclusion  of  a  volume,  to  look  over  their 
shoulder  and  chuckle  at  the  miracles  they  had  achieved.  But,  as  I 
before  professed,  I  am  determined  to  hold  myself  entirely  inde 
pendent  of  all  manner  of  opinions  and  criticisms,  as  the  only 
method  of  getting  on  in  this  world  in  anything  like  a  straight 
line.  True  it  is,  I  may  sometimes  seem  to  angle  a  little  for  the 
good  opinion  of  mankind,  by  giving  them  some  excellent  reasons 
for  doing  unreasonable  things ;  but  this  is  merely  to  show  them, 
that  although  I  may  occasionally  go  wrong,  it  is  not  for  want  of 
knowing  how  to  go  right ;  and  here  I  will  lay  down  a  maxim, 
which  will  for  ever  entitle  me  to  the  gratitude  of  my  inexperi 
enced  readers,  namely,  that  a  man  always  gets  more  credit  in  the 
eyes  of  this  naughty  world  for  sinning  wilfully  than  for  sinning 
through  sheer  ignorance. 

It  will  doubtless  be  insisted  by  many  ingenious  cavillers,  who 
will  be  meddling  with  what  does  not  at  all  concern  them,  that 
this  retrospect  should  have  been  taken  at  the  commencement  of 
our  second  volume ;  it  is  usual,  I  know :  moreover  it  is  natural. 
So  soon  as  a  writer  has  once  accomplished  a  volume,  he  forthwith 
becomes  wonderfully  increased  in  altitude!  he  steps  upon  his 
book  as  upon  a  pedestal,  and  is  elevated  in  proportion  to  its 
magnitude.  A  duodecimo  makes  him  one  inch  taller ;  an  octavo, 
three  inches ;  a  quarto,  six : — but  he  who  has  made  out  to  swell 
a  folio  looks  down  upon  his  fellow  creatures  from  such  a  fearful 
height  that,  ten  to  one,  the  poor  man's  head  is  turned  for  ever 
afterwards.  From  such  a  lofty  situation,  therefore,  it  is  natural  an 
author  should  cast  his  eyes  behind :  and  having  reached  the  first 
landing-place  on  the  stairs  of  immortality,  may  reasonably  be 
allowed  to  plead  his  privilege  to  look  back  over  the  height 
he  has  ascended.  I  have  deviated  a  little  from  this  venerable 
custom,  merely  that  our  retrospect  might  fall  in  the  dog  days — of 
all  days  in  the  year  most  congenial  to  the  indulgence  of  a  little 
self-sufficiency ;  inasmuch  as  people  have  then  little  to  do  but  to 
retire  within  the  sphere  of  sell',  and  make  the  most  of  what  they 
find  there. 

Let  it  not  be  supposed,  however,  that  we  think  ourselves  a  whit 
the  wiser  or  better  since  we  have  finished  our  volume  than  we 
were  before;  on  the  contrary,  we  seriously  assure  our  readers 


J52  SALMAGUNDI. 

that  we  were  fully  possessed  of  all  the  wisdom  and  morality 
it  contains  at  the  moment  we  commenced  writing.  It  is  the 
world  which  has  grown  wiser, — not  us ;  we  have  thrown  our 
mite  into  the  common  stock  of  knowledge,  we  have  shared  our 
morsel  with  the  ignorant  multitude ;  and  so  far  from  elevating 
ourselves  above  the  world,  our  sole  endeavor  has  been  to  raise  the 
world  to  our  own  level,  and  make  it  as  wise  as  we,  its  disinterested 
benefactors. 

To  a  moral  writer  like  myself,  who,  next  to  his  own  comfort 
and  entertainment,  has  the  good  of  his  fellow  citizens  at  heart,  a 
retrospect  is  but  a  sorry  amusement.  Like  the  industrious  husband 
man,  he  often  contemplates  in  silent  disappointment  his  labors 
wasted  on  a  barren  soil,  or  the  seeds  he  has  carefully  sown, 
choked  by  a  redundancy  of  worthless  weeds.  I  expected  long  ere 
this  to  have  seen  a  complete  reformation  in  manners  and  morals, 
achieved  by  our  united  efforts.  My  fancy  echoed  to  the  ap 
plauding  voices  of  a  retrieved  generation;  I  anticipated,  with 
proud  satisfaction,  the  period,  not  far  distant,  when  our  work 
would  be  introduced  into  the  academies  with  which  every  lane 
and  alley  of  our  cities  abounds ;  when  our  precepts  would  be 
gently  inducted  into  every  unlucky  urchin  by  force  of  birch,  and 
my  iron-bound  physiognomy,  as  taken  by  "Will  Wizard,  be  as 
notorious  as  that  of  Noah  Webster,  junr.  Esq.  or  his  no  less 
renowned  predecessor,  the  illustrious  Dilworth  of  spelling  book 
immortality.  But,  well-a-day!  to  let  my. readers  into  a  profound 
secret — the  expectations  of  man  are  like  the  varied  hues  that 
tinge  the  distant  prospect ;  never  to  be  realized,  never  to  be 
enjoyed  but  in  perspective.  Luckless  Launcelot,  that  the  hum 
blest  of  the  many  air  castles  thou  hast  erected  should  prove  a 
"  baseless  fabric  I"  Much  does  it  grieve  me  to  confess,  that  after 
all  our  lectures,  precepts,  and  excellent  admonitions,  the  people 
of  NEW- YORK  are  nearly  as  much  given  to  blacksliding  and  ill- 
nature  as  ever;  they  are  just  as  much  abandoned  to  dancing,  and 
tea-drinking ;  and  as  to  scandal,  Will  Wizard  informs  me  that,  by 
a  rough  computation,  since  the  last  cargo  of  gunpowder-tea  from 
Canton,  no  less  than  eighteen  characters  have  been  blown  up, 
besides  a  number  of  others  that  have  been  woftilly  shattered. 

The  ladies  still  labor  under  the  same  scarcity  of  muslins,  and 
delight  in  flesh-colored  silk  stockings ;  it  is  evident,  however,  that 
our  advice  has  had  very  considerable  effect  on  them,  as  they 
endeavor  to  act  as  opposite  to  it  as  possible ;  this  being  what 
Evergreen  calls  female  independence.  As  to  the  Straddles,  they 
abound  as  much  as  ever  in  Broadway,  particularly  on  Sundays ; 
and  Wizard  roundly  asserts  that  he  supped  in  company  with 
a  knot  of  them  a  few  evenings  since,  when  they  liquidated  a 
whole  Birmingham  consignment,  in  a  batch  of  imperial  champaign. 
I  have,  furthermore,  in  the  course  of  a  month  past,  detected  no 
less  than  three  Giblet  families  making  their  first  onset  towards 
style  and  gentility  in  the  very  manner  we  have  heretofore 


SALMAGUNDI.  153 

reprobated.  Nor  have  our  utmost  efforts  been  able  to  check  the 
progress  of  that  alarming  epidemic,  the  rage  for  punning,  which, 
though  doubtless  originally  intended  merely  to  ornament  and 
enliven  conversation  by  little  sports  of  fancy,  threatens  to  overrun 
and  poison  the  whole,  like  the  baneful  ivy  which  destroys  the 
useful  plant  it  first  embellished.  Now  I  look  upon  an  habitual 
punster  as  a  depredator  upon  conversation ;  and  I  have  remarked 
sometimes  one  of  these  offenders,  sitting  silent  on  the  watch  for 
an  hour  together,  until  some  luckless  wight,  unfortunately  for  the 
ease  and  quiet  of  the  company,  dropped  a  phrase  susceptible  of  a 

double   meaning ; — when pop,  our  punster  would  dart   out 

like  a  veteran  mouser  from  her  covert,  seize  the  unlucky  word, 
and  after  worrying  and  mumbling  at  it  until  it  was  capable  of  no 
further  marring,  relapse  again  into  silent  watchfulness,  and  lie  in 
wait  for  another  opportunity. — Even  this  might  be  borne  with,  by 
the  aid  of  a  little  philosophy ;  but  the  worst  of  it  is,  they  are  not 
content  to  manufacture  puns  and  laugh  heartily  at  them  themselves ; 
but  they  expect  we  should  laugh  with  them ; — which  I  consider 
as  an  intolerable  hardship,  and  a  flagrant  imposition  on  good 
nature.  Let  those  gentlemen  fritter  away  conversation  with 
impunity,  and  deal  out  their  wits  in  sixpenny  bits  if  they  please  ; 
but  I  beg  I  may  have  the  choice  of  refusing  currency  to  their 
small  change.  I  am  seriously  afraid,  however,  that  our  junto  is 
not  quite  free  from  the  infection;  nay,  that  it  has  even  approached 
so  near  as  to  menace  the  tranquillity  of  my  elbow-chair :  for, 
Will  Wizard,  as  we  were  in  caucus  the  other  night,  absolutely 
electrified  Pindar  and  myself  with  a  most  palpable  and  per 
plexing  pun ;  had  it  been  a  torpedo,  it  could  not  have  more 
discomposed  the  fraternity.  Sentence  of  banishment  was  una 
nimously  decreed;  but  on  his  confessing  that,  like  many  cele 
brated  wits,  he  was  merely  retailing  other  men's  wares  on 
commission,  he  was  for  that  once  forgiven  on  condition  of  re 
fraining  from  such  diabolical  practices  in  future.  Pindar  is 
particularly  outrageous  against  punsters ;  and  quite  astonished 
and  put  me  to  a  nonplus  a  day  or  two  since,  by  asking  abruptly 
"  whether  I  thought  a  punster  could  be  a  good  Christian '?"  Ho 
followed  up  his  question  triumphantly  by  offering  to  prove,  by 
sound  logic  and  historical  fact,  that  the  Roman  empire  owed  its 
decline  and  fall  to  a  pun ;  and  that  nothing  tended  so  much  to  de 
moralize  the  French  nation,  as  their  abominable  rage  for  jeux  de  mots. 
But  what,  above  every  thing  else,  has  caused  me  much  vexa 
tion  of  spirit,  and  displeased  me  most  with  this  stiff-necked  nation 
is,  that  in  spite  of  all  the  serious  and  profound  censures  of  the  sago 
Mustapha,  in  his  various  letters — they  will  talk ! — they  will  still 
wag  their  tongues,  and  chatter  like  very  slang- whangers !  this  is 
a  degree  of  obstinacy  incomprehensible  in  the  extreme;  and  is 
another  proof  how  alarming  is  the  force  of  habit,  and  how  difficult 
it  is  to  reduce  beings,  accustomed  to  talk,  to  that  state  of  silence 
which  is  the  very  acme  of  human  wisdom. 


154  SALMAGUNDI. 

"We  can  only  account  for  these  disappointments  in  our  moderate 
and  reasonable  expectations,  by  supposing  the  world  so  deeply 
sunk  in  the  mire  of  delinquency,  that  not  even  Hercules,  were  he 
to  put  his  shoulder  to  the  axletree,  would  be  able  to  extricate  it. 
We  comfort  ourselves,  however,  by  the  reflection  that  there  are 
at  least  three  good  men  left  in  this  degenerate  age  to  benefit  the 
world  by  example  should  precept  ultimately  fail.  And  borrowing, 
for  once,  an  example  from  certain  sleepy  writers  who,  after  the 
first  emotions  of  surprise  at  finding  their  invaluable  effusions 
neglected  or  despised,  console  themselves  with  the  idea  that  'tis  a 
stupid  age,  and  look  forward  to  posterity  for  redress : — we  bequeath 
our  first  volume  to  future  generations. — and  much  good  may  it  do 
them.  Heaven  grant  they  may  be  able  to  read  it!  for,  if  our 
fashionable  mode  of  education  continues  to  improve,  as  of  late,  I 
am  under  serious  apprehensions  that  the  period  is  not  far  distant 
when  the  discipline  of  the  dancing  master  will  supersede  that  of 
the  grammarian:  crotchets  and  quavers  supplant  the  alphabet: 
and  the  heels,  by  an  antipodean  manoeuvre,  obtain  entire  preemi 
nence  over  the  head.  How  does  my  heart  yearn  for  poor  dear 
posterity,  when  this  work  shall  become  as  unintelligible  to  our 
grandchildren  as  it  seems  to  be  to  their  grandfathers  and  grand 
mothers. 

In  fact,  for  I  love  to  be  candid,  we  begin  to  suspect  that  many 
people  read  our  numbers,  merely  for  their  amusement,  without 
paying  any  attention  to  the  serious  truths  conveyed  in  every  page. 
Unpardonable  want  of  penetration  1  not  that  we  wish  to  restrict 
our  readers  in  the  article  of  laughing,  which  we  consider  as  one  of 
the  dearest  prerogatives  of  man,  and  the  distinguishing  character 
istic  which  raises  him  above  all  other  animals:  let  them  laugh 
therefore  if  they  will,  provided  they  profit  at  the  same  time,  and 
do  not  mistake  our  object.  It  is  one  of  our  indisputable  facts 
that  it  is  easier  to  laugh  ten  follies  out  of  countenance  than  to 
coax,  reason,  or  flog  a  man  out  of  one.  In  this  odd,  singular,  and 
indescribable  age,  which  is  neither  the  age  of  gold,  silver,  iron, 
brass,  chivalry,  or  pills,  as  Sir  John  Carr  asserts,  a  grave  writer 
who  attempts  to  attack  folly  with  the  heavy  artillery  of  moral 
reasoning,  will  fare  like  Smollet's  honest  pedant,  who  clearly 
demonstrated  by  angles,  &c.,  after  the  manner  of  Euclid,  that  it 
was  wrong  to  do  evil ; — and  was  laughed  at  for  his  pains.  Take 
my  word  for  it,  a  little  well  applied  ridicule,  like  Hannibal's  appli 
cation  of  vinegar  to  rocks,  will  do  more  with  certain  hard  heads 
and  obdurate  hearts,  than  all  the  logic  or  demonstrations  in 
Longinus  or  Euclid.  But  the  people  of  Gotham,  wise  souls !  are 
so  much  accustomed  to  see  morality  approach  them  clothed  in  for 
midable  wigs  and  sable  garbs,  "  with  leaden  eye  that  loves  the 
ground,"  that  they  can  never  recognise  her  when,  drest  in  gay 
attire,  she  comes  tripping  towards  them  with  smiles  and  sunshine 

in  her  countenance. Well,  let  the  rogues  remain  in  happy 

ignorance,  for  "ignorance  is  bliss,"  as  the  poet  says; — and  I  put 


SALMAGUNDI.  155 

as  implicit  faith  in  poetry  as  I  do  in  the  almanac  or  the  newspa 
per; we  will  improve  them,  without  their  being  the  wiser 

for  it,  and  they  shall  become  better  in  spite  of  their  teeth,  and 
without  their  having  the  least  suspicion  of  the  reformation  work 
ing  within  them. 

Among  all  our  manifold  grievances,  however,  still  some  small  but 
vivid  rays  of  sunshine  occasionally  brighten  along  our  path; 
cheering  our  steps,  and  inviting  us  to  persevere. 

The  public  have  paid  some  little  regard  to  a  few  articles  of  our 
advice ; — they  have  purchased  our  numbers  freely  ; — so  much  the 
better  for  our  publisher; — they  have  read  them  attentively; — so 
much  the  better  for  themselves.  The  melancholy  fate  of  my  dear 
aunt  Charity  has  had  a  wonderful  effect ;  and  I  have  now  before 
me  a  letter  from  a  gentleman  who  lives  opposite  to  a  couple  of 
old  ladies,  remarkable  for  the  interest  they  took  in  his  affairs ; — his 
apartments  were  absolutely  in  a  state  of  blockade,  and  he  was  on 
the  point  of  changing  his  lodgings,  or  capitulating,  until  the 
appearance  of  our  ninth  number,  which  he  immediately  sent  over 
with  his  compliments ;— the  good  ladies  took  the  hint,  and 
have  scarcely  appeared  at  their  window  since.  As  to  the  wooden 
gentlemen,  our  friend  Miss  Sparkle  assures  me,  they  are  wonder 
fully  improved  by  our  criticisms,  and  sometimes  venture  to  make 
a  remark,  or  attempt  a  pun  in  company,  to  the  great  edification 
of  all  who  happen  to  understand  them.  As  to  the  red  shawls, 
they  are  entirely  discarded  from  the  fair  shoulders  of  our  ladies — 
ever  since  the  last  importation  of  finery ; — nor  has  any  lady,  since 
the  cold  weather,  ventured  to  expose  her  elbows  to  the  admiring 
gaze  of  scrutinizing  passengers.  But  there  is  one  victory  we  have 
achieved  which  has  given  us  more  pleasure  than  to  have  written 
down  the  whole  administration :  I  am  assured,  from  unquestion 
able  authority,  that  our  young  ladies,  doubtless  in  consequence  of 
our  weighty  admonitions,  have  not  once  indulged  in  that  in 
toxicating,  inflammatory,  and  whirligig  dance,  the  waltz — ever 
since  hot  weather  commenced.  True  it  is,  I  understand,  an 
attempt  was  made  to  exhibit  it  by  some  of  the  sable  fair  ones  at 
the  last  African  ball,  but  it  was  highly  disapproved  of  by  all  the 
respectable  elderly  ladies  present. 

These  are  sweet  sources  of  comfort  to  atone  for  the  many  wrongs 
and  misrepresentations  heaped  upon  us  by  the  world  ; — for  even 
we  have  experienced  its  ill  nature.  How  often  have  we  heard 
ourselves  reproached  for  the  insidious  applications  of  the  unchari 
table  ! — how  often  have  we  been  accused  of  emotions  which 
never  found  an  entrance  into  our  bosoms  ! — how  often  have  our 
sportive  effusions  been  wrested  to  serve  the  purposes  of  particular 

enmity  and  bitterness  ! Meddlesome  spirits  1  little  do  they 

know  our  disposition ;  we  "  lack  gall  "  to  wound  the  feelings  of 
a  single  innocent  individual  ;  we  can  even  forgive  them  from  the 
very  bottom  of  our  souls  ;  may  they  meet  as  ready  a  forgiveness 
from  their  own  consciences !  like  true  and  independent  bachelors, 


156  SALMAGUNDI. 

having  no  domestic  cares  to  interfere  with  our  general  benevolence, 
we  consider  it  incumbent  upon  us  to  wratch  over  the  welfare  of 
society ;  and  although  we  are  indebted  to  the  world  for  little  else 
than  left-handed  favors,  yet  we  feel  a  proud  satisfaction  in  requit 
ing  evil  with  good,  and  the  sneer  of  illiberally  with  the  unfeigned 
smile  of  good  humor.  With  these  mingled  motives  of  selfishness 
and  philanthropy  we  commenced  our  work,  and  if  we  cannot 
solace  ourselves  with  the  consciousness  of  having  done  much  good  I 
yet  there  is  still  one  pleasing  consolation  left,  which  the  world  can 
neither  give  nor  take  away.  There  are  moments, — lingering  mo 
ments  of  listless  indifference  and  heavy-hearted  despondency, — 
when  our  best  hopes  and  affections  slipping,  as  they  sometimes 
will,  from  their  hold  on  those  objects  to  which  they  usually  cling 
for  support,  seem  abandoned  on  the  wide  waste  of  cheerless  ex 
istence,  without  a  place  to  cast  anchor  ;  without  a  shore  in  view 
to  excite  a  single  wish,  or  to  give  a  momentary  interest  to  con 
templation.  We  look  back  with  delight  upon  many  of  these  mo 
ments  of  mental  gloom,  whiled  away  by  the  cheerful  exercise  of 
our  pen,  and  consider  every  such  triumph  over  the  spleen  as  retard 
ing  the  furrowing  hand  of  time  in  its  insidious  encroachments  on 
our  brows.  If,  in  addition  to  our  own  amusements,  we  have,  as 
we  jogged  carelessly  laughing  along,  brushed  away  one  tear  of 
dejection  and  called  forth  a  smile  in  its  place — if  we  have  bright 
ened  the  pale  countenance  of  a  single  child  of  sorrow — we  shall 
feel  almost  as  much  joy  and  rejoicing  as  a  slang-whanger  does 
when  he  bathes  his  pen  in  the  heart's  blood  of  a  patron  and  bene 
factor;  or  sacrifices  one  more  illustrious  victim  on  the  altar  of  party 
animosity. 


TO  READEES  AND  CORRESPONDENTS. 

IT  is  our  misfortune  to  be  frequently  pestered,  in  our  peregrina 
tions  about  this  blessed  city,  by  certain  critical  gad-flies,;  who 
buzz  around  and  merely  attack  the  skin,  without  ever  being  able 
to  penetrate  the  body.  The  reputation  of  our  promising  protege, 
Jeremy  Cockloft  the  younger,  has  been  assailed  by  these  skin- 
deep  critics ;  they  have  questioned  his  claims  to  originality,  and 
even  hinted  that  the  ideas  for  his  New- Jersey  Tour  were  borrowed 
from  a  late  work  entitled  "  MY  POCKET-BOOK."  As  there  is  no 
literary  offence  more  despicable  in  the  eyes  of  the  trio  than  bor 
rowing,  we  immediately  called  Jeremy  to  an  account ;  when  he 
proved,  by  the  dedication  of  the  work  in  question,  that  it  was  first 
published  in  London  in  March,  1807 — and  that  his  "Stranger  in 
New-Jersey"  had  made  its  appearance  on  the  24th  of  the 
preceding  February. 


SALMAGUNDI.  157 

We  were  on  the  point  of  acquitting  Jeremy  with  honor  on  the 
ground  that  it  was  impossible,  knowing  as  he  is,  to  borrow  from 
a  foreign  work  one  month  before  it  was  in  existence ;  when  Will 
Wizard  suddenly  took  up  the  cudgels  for  the  critics,  and  insisted 
that  nothing  was  more  probable ;  for  he  recollected  reading  of  an 
ingenious  Dutch  author  who  plainly  convicted  the  ancients  of 
stealing  from  his  labors ! So  much  for  criticism. 


We  have  received  a  host  of  friendly  and  admonitory  letters 
from  different  quarters,  and  among  the  rest  a  very  loving  epistle 
from  George-town,  Columbia,  signed  Teddy  M'Gkmdy,  who 
addresses  us  by  the  name  of  Saul  M'Gundy,  and  insists  that  we 
are  descended  from  the  same  Irish  progenitors,  and  nearly  related. 
As  friend  Teddy  seems  to  be  an  honest,  merry  rogue,  we  are  sor 
ry  that  we  cannot  admit  his  claims  to  kindred ;  we  thank  him, 
however,  for  his  good  will,  and  should  he  ever  be  inclined  to 
favor  us  with  another  epistle,  we  will  hint  to  him,  and  at  the 
same  time  to  our  other  numerous  correspondents,  that  their  com 
munications  will  be  infinitely  more  acceptable,  if  they  will  just 
recollect  Tom  Shuffleton's  advice,  "  pay  the  post  boy,  Muggins." 


158  SALMAGUNDI. 

V 


NO.  XIV.— SATURDAY,  SEPT.  19,  1807. 

LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELI  KHAN, 
TO  ASEM  HACCHEM,  PRINCIPAL  SLAVE-DRIVER  TO 
HIS  HIGHNESS  THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

HEALTH  and  joy  to  the  friend  of  my  heart  I — May  the  angel  of 
peace  ever  watch  over  thy  dwelling,  and  the  star  of  prosperity 
shed  its  benignant  lustre  on  all  thy  undertakings.  Far  other  is 
the  lot  of  thy  captive  friend  ; — his  brightest  hopes  extend  but  to 
a  lengthened  period  of  weary  captivity,  arid  memory  only  adds  to 
the  measure  of  his  griefs,  by  holding  up  a  mirror  which  reflects 
with  redoubled  charms  the  hours  of  past  felicity.  In  midnight 
slumbers  my  soul  holds  sweet  converse  with  the  tender  objects  of 
its  affections  ; — it  is  then  the  exile  is  restored  to  his  country ; — it 
is  then  the  wide  waste  of  waters  that  rolls  between  us  disappears, 
and  I  clasp  to  my  bosom  the  companion  of  my  youth ;  I  awake 
and  find  it  is  but  a  vision  of  the  night.  The  sigh  will  rise, — the 
tear  of  dejection  will  steal  adown  my  cheek : — I  fly  to  my  pen, 
and  strive  to  forget  myself,  and  my  sorrows,  in  conversing  with 
my  friend. 

In  such  a  situation,  my  good  Asem,  it  cannot  be  expected  that 
I  should  be  able  so  wholly  to  abstract  myself  from  my  own  feel 
ings,  as  to  give  thee  a  full  and  systematic  account  of  the  singular 
people  among  whom  my  disastrous  lot  has  been  cast.  I  can  only 
find  leisure,  from  my  own  individual  sorrows,  to  entertain  thee 
occasionally  with  some  of  the  most  prominent  features  of  their 
character ;  and  now  and  then  a  solitary  picture  of  their  most  pre 
posterous  eccentricities. 

I  have  before  observed,  that  among  the  distinguishing  charac 
teristics  of  the  people  of  this  logocracy,  is  their  invincible  love  of 
talking ;  and,  that  I  could  compare  the  nation  to  nothing  but  a 
mighty  wind-mill.  Thou  art  doubtless  at  a  loss  to  conceive  how 
this  mill  is  supplied  with  grist ;  or,  in  other  words,  how  it  is  pos 
sible  to  furnish  subjects  to  supply  the  perpetual  motion  of  so 
many  tongues. 

The  genius  of  the  nation  appears  in  its  highest  lustre  in  this 
particular  in  the  discovery,  or  rather  the  application,  of  a  subject 
which  seems  to  supply  an  inexhaustible  mine  of  words.  It  is 
nothing  more,  my  friend,  than  POLITICS  ;  a  word  which,  I  declare 


SALMAGUNDI.  159 

to  theo,  has  perplexed  me  almost  as  much  as  the  redoubtable  one 
of  economy.  On  consulting  a  dictionary  of  this  language,  I  found 
it  denoted  the  science  of  government ;  and  the  relations,  situations 
and  dispositions  of  states  and  empires, — Good,  thought  I,  for  a 
people  who  boast  of  governing  themselves  there  could  not  be  a 
more  important  subject  of  investigation.  I  therefore  listened 
attentively,  expecting  to  hear  from  "the  most  enlightonM  people 
under  the  sun,"  for  so  they  modestly  term  themselves,  sublime 
disputations  on  the  science  of  legislation  and  precepts  of  political 
wisdom  that  would  not  have  disgraced  our  great  prophet  and 
legislator  himself ! — but,  alas,  Asem !  how  continually  are  my  ex 
pectations  disappointed !  how  dignified  a  meaning  does  this  word 
bear  in  the  dictionary ; — how  despicable  its  common  application  ; 
I  find  it  extending  to  every  contemptible  discussion  of  local  ani 
mosity,  and  every  petty  altercation  of  insignificant  individuals. 
It  embraces,  alike,  all  manner  of  concerns ;  from  the  organization 
of  a  divan,  the  election  of  a  bashaw,  or  the  levying  of  an  army,  to 
the  appointment  of  a  constable,  the  personal  disputes  of  two 
miserable  slang-whangers,  the  cleaning  of  the  streets,  or  the 
economy  of  a  dirt  cart.  A  couple  of  politicians  will  quarrel,  with 
the  most  vociferous  pertinacity,  about  the  character  of  a  burn- 
bailiff  whom  nobody  cares  for ;  or  the  deportment  of  a  little  great 
man  whom  nobody  knows ; — and  this  is  called  talking  politics ; 
nay !  it  is  but  a  few  days  since  that  I  was  annoyed  by  a  debate 
between  two  of  my  fellow  lodgers,  who  were  magnanimously  em 
ployed  in  condemning  a  luckless  wight  to  infamy,  because  ho 
chose  to  wear  a  red  coat,  and  to  entertain  certain  erroneous 
opinions  some  thirty  years  ago.  Shocked  at  their  illiberal  and 
vindictive  spirit,  I  rebuked  them  for  thus  indulging  in  slander  and 
uncharitablenesses,  about  the  color  of  a  coat ;  which  had  doubtless 
for  many  years  been  worn  out ;  or  the  belief  in  errors,  which  in 
ah1  probability  had  been  long  since  atoned  for  and  abandoned ; 
but  they  justified  themselves  by  alleging  that  they  were  only  en 
gaged  in  politics,  and  exerting  that  liberty  of  speech,  and  freedom 
of  discussion,  which  was  the  glory  and  safeguard  of  their  national 
independence.  "Oh,  Mahomet!"  thought  I,  "what  a  country 
must  that  be,  which  builds  its  political  safety  on  ruined  characters 
and  the  persecution  of  individuals!" 

Into  what  transports  of  surprise  and  incredulity  am  I  continu 
ally  betrayed,  as  the  character  of  this  eccentric  people  gradually 
developes  itself  to  my  observations.  Every  new  research  in 
creases  the  perplexities  in  which  I  am  involved,  and  I  am  more 
than  ever  at  a  loss  where  to  place  them  in  the  scale  of  my  esti 
mation.  It  is  thus  the  philosopher,  in  pursuing  truth  througli 
the  labyrinth  of  doubt,  error  and  misrepresentation,  frequently 
finds  himself  bewildered  in  the  mazes  of  contradictory  experience'; 
and  almost  wishes  he  could  quietly  retrace  his  wandering  steps,  steal 
back  into  the  path  of  honest  ignorance,  and  jog  on  once  more  in 
contented  indifference. 


160  SALMAGUNDI. 

How  fertile  in  these  contradictions  is  this  extensive  logocracy ! 
Men  of  different  nations,  manners  and  languages,  live  in  this 
country  in  the  most  perfect  harmony ;  and  nothing  is  more  com 
mon  than  to  see  individuals,  whose  respective  governments  are  at 
variance,  taking  each  other  by  the  hand  and  exchanging  the  offices 
of  friendship.  Nay,  even  on  the  subject  of  religion,  which,  as  it 
affects  our  dearest  interests,  our  earliest  opinions  and  prejudices, 
some  warmth  and  heart-burnings  might  be  excused,  which,  even 
in  our  enlightened  country,  is  so  fruitful  in  difference  between 
man  and  manl — even  religion  occasions  no  dissension  among 
these  people ;  and  it  has  even  been  discovered,  by  one  of  their 
sages,  that  believing  in  one  God  or  twenty  Gods  "  neither  breaks 
a  man's  leg  nor  picks  his  pocket."  The  idolatrous  Persian  may 
here  bow  down  before  his  everlasting  fire,  and  prostrate  himself 
towards  the  glowing  east.  The  Chinese  may  adore  his  Fo,  or  his 
Josh  ;  the  Egyptian  his  stork  ;  and  the  Mussulman  practise,  un 
molested,  the  divine  precepts  of  our  immortal  prophet.  Nay, 
even  the  forlorn,  abandoned  Atheist,  who  lays  down  at  night 
without  committing  himself  to  the  protection  of  heaven,  and  rises 
in  the  morning  without  returning  thanks  for  his  safety ; — who 
hath  no  deity  but  his  own  will; — whose  soul,  like  the  sandy 
desert,  is  barren  of  every  flower  of  hope  to  throw  a  solitary  bloom 
over  the  dead  level  of  sterility  and  soften  the  wide  extent  of  deso 
lation  ; — whose  darkened  views  extend  not  beyond  the  horizon 
that  bounds  his  cheerless  existence ; — to  whom  no  blissful  per 
spective  opens  beyond  the  grave ; — even  he  is  suffered  to  indulge 
in  his  desperate  opinions,  without  exciting  one  other  emotion  than 
pity  or  contempt.  But  this  mild  and  tolerating  spirit  readies  not 
beyond  the  pale  of  religion : — once  differ  in  politics,  in  mere  theo 
ries,  visions  and  chimeras,  the  growth  of  interest,  of  folly,  or 
madness,  and  deadly  warfare  ensues :  every  eye  flashes  fire,  every 
tongue  is  loaded  with  reproach,  and  every  heart  is  filled  with  gall 
and  bitterness. 

At  this  period  several  unjustifiable  and  serious  injuries  on  the 
part  of  the  barbarians  of  the  British  island,  have  given  a  new 
impulse  to  the  tongue  and  the  pen,  and  occasioned  a  terrible 
wordy  fever.  Do  not  suppose,  my  friend,  that  I  mean  to  condemn 
any  proper  and  dignified  expression  of  resentment  for  injuries. 
On  the  contrary,  I  love  to  see  a  word  before  a  blow :  for  "  in  the 
fulness  of  the  heart  the  tongue  moveth."  But  my  long  experi 
ence  has  convinced  me,  that  people  who  talk  the  most  about 
taking  satisfaction  for  affronts,  generally  content  themselves  with 
talking  instead  of  revenging  the  insult :  like  the  street  women  of 
this  country,  who  after  a  prodigious  scolding,  quietly  sit  down 
and  fan  themselves  cool  as  fast  as  possible.  But  to  return: — 
the  rage  for  talking  has  now,  in  consequence  of  the  aggressions  I 
alluded  to,  increased  to  a  degree  far  beyond  what  I  have  observed 
heretofore.  In  the  gardens  of  his  highness  of  Tripoli  are  fifteen 
thousand  bee-hives,  three  hundred  peacocks,  and  a  prodigious 


SALMAGUNDI.  161 

nut  fcer  of  parrots  and  baboons : — and  yet  I  declare  to  thee,  Asem, 
that  their  buzzing,  and  squalling,  and  chattering  is  nothing  com 
pared  to  the  wild  uproar,  and  war  of  words,  now  raging  within 
the  bosom  of  this  mighty  and  distracted  logocracy.  Politics  per 
vade  every  city,  every  village,  every  temple,  every  porter-house  : 
— the  universal  question  is,  ''  what  is  the  news?"  This  is  a  kind 
of  challenge  to  political  debate :  and  as  no  two  men  think  exactly 
alike,  'tis  ten  to  one  but,  before  they  finish,  all  the  polite  phrases 
in  the  language  are  exhausted  by  way  of  giving  fire  and  energy 
to  argument.  What  renders  this  talking  fever  more  alarming  is, 
that  the  people  appear  to  be  in  the  unhappy  state  of  a  patient 
whose  palate  nauseates  the  medicine  best  calculated  for  the  cure 
of  his  disease,  and  seem  anxious  to  continue  in  the  full  enjoyment 
of  their  chattering  epidemic.  They  alarm  each  other  by  direful 
reports  and  fearful  apprehensions ;  like  I  have  seen  a  knot  of  old 
wives  in  this  country,  entertain  themselves  with  stories  of  ghosts 
and  goblins  until  their  imaginations  were  in  a  most  agonizing 
panic.  Every  day  begets  some  new  tale,  big  with  agitation ;  and 
the  busy  goddess,  rumor,  to  speak  in  the  poetic  language  of  the 
Christians,  is  constantly  in  motion.  She  mounts  her  rattling 
stage-wagon,  and  gallops  about  the  country,  freighted  with  a 
load  of  "hints,"  "informations,"  "  extracts  of  letters  from  respect 
able  gentlemen,"  "observations  of  respectable  correspondents," 
and  "unquestionable  authorities;" — which  her  high-priests,  the 
slang-whangers,  retail  to  their  sapient  followers,  with  all  the  so 
lemnity — and  all  the  authenticity  of  oracles.  True  it  is  the  unfor 
tunate  slang-whangers  are  sometimes  at  a  loss  for  food,  to  supply 
this  insatiable  appetite  for  intelligence ;  and  are,  not  unfrequently, 
reduced  to  the  necessity  of  manufacturing  dishes  suited  to  the 
taste  of  the  times ;  to  be  served  up  as  morning  and  evening  re 
pasts  to  their  disciples. 

When  the  hungry  politician  is  thus  fuJl  charged  with  important 
information,  he  sallies  forth  to  give  due  exercise  to  his  tongue; 
and  tells  all  he  knows,  to  every  body  he  meets.  Now  it  is  a 
thousand  to  one  that  every  person  he  meets  is  just  as  wise  as 
himself,  charged  with  the  same  articles  of  information,  and  pos 
sessed  of  the  same  violent  inclination  to  give  it  vent ;  for  in  this 
country  every  man  adopts  some  particular  slang-whanger,  as  the 
standard  of  his  judgment,  and  reads  every  thing  he  writes  if  he 
reads  nothing  else;  which  is  doubtless  the  reason  why  the  peo 
ple  of  this  logocracy  are  so  marvellously  enlightened.  So  away 
they  tilt  at  each  other  with  their  borrowed  lances,  advancing  to 
the  combat  with  the  opinions  and  speculations  .of  their  respective 
slang-whangers,  which,  in  all  probability,  are  diametrically  oppo 
site  ; — here  then  arises  as  fair  an  opportunity  for  a  battle  of  words 
as  heart  could  wish ;  and  thou  mayst  rely  upon  it,  Asem,  they 
do  not  let  it  pass  unimproved.  They  sometimes  begin  with  argu 
ment;  but  in  process  of  time,  as  the  tongue  begins  to  wax 
wanton,  other  auxiliaries  become  necessary ;  recrimination  com- 
11 


162  SALMAGUNDI. 

mences ;  reproach  follows  close  at  its  heels : — from  political  abuse 
they  proceed  to  personal ;  and  thus  often  is  a  friendship  of  years 
trampled  down  by  this  contemptible  enemy,  this  gigantic  dwarf 
of  POLITICS,  the  mongrel  issue  of  grovelling  ambition  and  aspiring 
ignorance ! 

There  would  be  but  little  harm  indeed  in  all  this,  if  it  ended 
merely  in  a  broken  head ;  for  this  might  soon  be  healed,  and  the 
scar,  if  any  remained,  might  serve  as  a  warning  ever  after  against 
the  indulgence  of  political  intemperance ; — at  the  worst,  the  loss 
of  such  heads  as  these  would  be  a  gain  to  the  nation.  But  the  evil 
extends  far  deeper ;  it  threatens  to  impair  all  social  intercourse, 
and  even  to  sever  the  sacred  union  of  family  and  kindred.  The 
convivial  table  is  disturbed ;  the  cheerful  fire-side  is  invaded ;  the 
smile  of  social  hilarity  is  chased  away : — the  bond  of  social  love 
is  broken  by  the  everlasting  intrusion  of  this  fiend  of  contention, 
who  lurks  in  the  sparkling  bowl,  crouches  by  the  fire-side,  growls 
in  the  friendly  circle,  infests  every  avenue  to  pleasure ;  and,  like 
the  scowling  incubus,  sits  on  the  bosom  of  society,  pressing  down 
and  smothering  every  throb  and  pulsation  of  liberal  philanthropy. 

But  thou  wilt  perhaps  ask,  "  What  can  these  people  dispute 
about  ?  One  would  suppose  that,  being  all  free  and  equal,  they 
would  harmonize  as  brothers ;  children  of  the  same  parent,  and 
equal  heirs  of  the  same  inheritance."  This  theory  is  most  exqui 
site,  my  good  friend,  but  in  practice  it  turns  out  the  very  dream 
of  a  madman.  Equality,  Asem,  is  one  of  the  most  consummate 
scoundrels  that  ever  crept  from  the  brain  of  a  political  juggler — 
a  fellow  who  thrusts  his  hand  into  the  pocket  of  honest  industry, 
or  enterprising  talent,  and  squanders  their  hard-earned  profits  on 
profligate  idleness  or  indolent  stupidity.  There  will  always  be  an 
inequality  among  mankind  so  long  as  a  portion  of  it  is  enlight 
ened  and  industrious,  and  the  rest  idle  and  ignorant.  The  one 
will  acquire  a  larger  share  of  wealth,  and  its  attendant  comforts, 
refinements,  and  luxuries  of  life,  and  the  influence  and  power 
which  those  will  always  possess  who  have  the  greatest  ability  of 
administering  to  the  necessities  of  their  fellow  creatures.  These 
advantages  will  inevitably  excite  envy ;  and  envy  as  inevitably 
begets  ill-will: — hence  arises  that  eternal  warfare  which  the 
lower  orders  of  ^society  are  waging  against  those  who  have  raised 
themselves  by  their  own  merits,  or  have  been  raised  by  the  merits 
of  their  ancestors,  above  the  common  level.  In  a  nation  pos 
sessed  of  quick  feelings  and  impetuous  passions,  the  hostility 
might  engender  deadly  broils  and  bloody  commotions ;  but  here 
it  merely  vents  itself  in  high-sounding  words,  which  lead  to 
continual  breaches  of  decorum,  or  in  the  insidious  assassination 
of  character,  and  a  restless  propensity  among  the  base  to  blacken 
every  reputation  which  is  fairer  than  their  own. 

I  cannot  help  smiling  sometimes  to  see  the  solicitude  with 
which  the  people  of  America,  so  called  from  the  country  having 
been  first  discovered  by  Christopher  Columbus,  battle  about  them 


SAL1IAGUNDI.  163 

when  any  election  takes  place,  as  if  they  had  the  least  concern  in 
the  matter,  or  were  to  be  benefited  by  an  exchange  of  bashaws: 
they  really  seem  ignorant  that  none  but  the  bashaws  and  their 
dependents  are  at  all  interested  in  the  event ;  and  that  the  people 
at  large  will  not  find  their  situation  altered  in  the  least.  I  formerly 
gave  thee  an  account  of  an  election  which  took  place  under  my 
eye.  The  result  has  been  that  the  people,  as  some  of  the  slang- 
whangers  say,  have  obtained  a  glorious  triumph,  which,  however, 
is  flatly  denied  by  the  opposite  slang-whangers,  who  insist  that 
their  party  is  composed  of  the  true  sovereign  people ;  and  that 
the  others  are  all  jacobins,  Frenchmen,  and  Irish  rebels.  I  ought 
to  apprise  thee  that  the  last  is  a  term  of  great  reproach  here ; 
which,  perhaps,  thou  wouldst  not  otherwise  imagine,  considering 
that  it  is  not  many  years  since  this  very  people  were  engaged  in 
a  revolution ;  the  failure  of  which  would  have  subjected  them  to 
the  same  ignominious  epithet,  ana  <i  participation  in  which  is  now 
the  highest  recommendation  to  public  confidence.  By  Mahomet, 
but  it  cannot  be  denied  that  the  consistency  of  this  people,  like 
everything  else  appertaining  to  them,  is  on  a  prodigious  great 
scale!  To  return,  however,  to  the  event  of  the  election.  The 
people  triumphed ;  and  much  good  has  it  done  them.  I,  for  my 
part,  expected  to  see  wonderful  changes,  and  most  magical  meta 
morphoses.  I  expected  to  see  the  people  all  rich,  that  they 
would  be  all  gentlemen  bashaws,  riding  in  their  coaches  and  far 
ing  sumptuously  every  day,  emancipated  from  toil,  and  revelling 
in  luxurious  ease.  Wilt  thou  credit  me,  Asem,  when  I  declare 
unto  thee,  that  everything  remains  exactly  in  the  same  state  it 
was  before  the  last  wordy  campaign?  except  a  few  noisy  re 
tainers  who  have  crept  into  office,  and  a  few  noisy  patriots,  on 
the  other  side,  who  have  been  kicked  out,  there  is  not  the  least 
diiference.  The  laborer  toils  for  his  daily  support ;  the  beggar 
still  lives  on  the  charity  of  those  who  have  any  charity  to  bestow; 
and  the  only  solid  satisfaction  the  multitude  have  reaped  is,  that 
they  have  got  a  new  governor,  or  bashaw,  whom  they  will  praise, 
idolize,  and  exalt  for  a  while,  and  afterwards,  notwithstanding 
the  sterling  merits  he  really  possesses,  in  compliance  with  imme 
morial  custom,  they  will  abuse,  calumniate,  and  trample  him 
under  foot. 

Such,  my  dear  Asem,  is  the  way  in  which  the  wise  people  of 
"the  most  enlightened  country  under  the  sun,"  are  amused  with 
straws,  and  puffed  up  with  mighty  conceits ;  like  a  certain  fish  I 
have  seen  here,  which  having  his  belly  tickled  for  a  short  time, 
will  swell  and  puff  himself  up  to  twice  his  usual  size,  and  become 
a  mere  bladder  of  wind  and  vanity. 

The  blessing  of  a  true  Mussulman  light  on  thee,  good  Asem ; 
ever,  while  thou  livest,  be  true  to  thy  prophet ;  and  rejoice  that, 
though  the  boasting  political  chatterers  of  this  logocracy  cast 
upon  thy  countrymen  the  ignominious  epithet  of  slaves,  thou  liv 
est  in  a  country  where  the  people,  instead  of  being  at  the  mercy 


161:  SALMAGUNDI. 

of  a  tyrant  with  a  million  of  heads,  have  nothing  to  do  but  submit 
to  the  will  of  a  bashaw  of  only  three  tails. 
Ever  thine 

MUSTAPHA. 


COCKLOFT  HALL. 

BY  LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,  ESQ. 

THOSE  who  pass  their  time  immured  in  the  smoky  circum 
ference  of  the  city,  amid  the  rattling  of  carts,  the  brawling  of  the 
multitude,  and  the  variety  of  unmeaning  and  discordant  sounds 
that  prey  insensibly  upon  the  nerves,  and  beget  a  weariness  of 
the  spirits,  can  alone  understand  and  feel  that  expansion  of  the 
heart,  that  physical  renovation  which  a  citizen  experiences  when 
he  steals  forth  from  his  dusty  prison,  to  breathe  the  free  air  of 
heaven,  and  enjoy  the  clear  face  of  nature.  Who  that  has  ram 
bled  by  the  side  of  one  of  our  majestic  rivers,  at  the  hour  of  sun 
set,  when  the  wildly  romantic  scenery  around  is  softened  and 
tinted  by  the  voluptuous  mist  of  evening;  when  the  bold  and 
swelling  outlines  of  the  distant  mountain  seem  melting  into  the 
glowing  horizon,  and  a  rich  mantle  of  refulgence  is  thrown  over 
the  whole  expanse  of  the  heavens,  but  must  have  felt  how  abundant 
is  nature  in  sources  of  pure  enjoyment ;  how  luxuriant  in  all  that 
can  enliven  the  senses  or  delight  the  imagination.  The  jocund 
zephyr,  full  freighted  with  native  fragrance,  sues  sweetly  to  the 
senses;  the  chirping  of  the  thousand  varieties  of  insects  with 
which  our  woodlands  abound  forms  a  concert  of  simple  melody; 
even  the  barking  of  the  farm  dog,  the  lowing  of  the  cattle,  the 
tinkling  of  their  bells,  and  the  strokes  of  the  woodman's  axe  from 
the  opposite  shore,  seem  to  partake  of  the  softness  of  the  scene, 
and  fall  tunefully  upon  the  ear :  while  the  voice  of  the  villager, 
chanting  some  rustic  ballad,  swells  from  a  distance,  in  the  sem 
blance  of  the  very  music  of  harmonious  love. 

At  such  times  I  feel  a  sensation  of  sweet  tranquillity ;  a  hal 
lowed  calm  is  diffused  over  my  senses ;  I  cast  my  eyes  around, 
and  every  object  is  serene,  simple,  and  beautiful ;  no  warring  pas 
sion,  no  discordant  string  there  vibrates  to  the  touch  of  ambition, 
self-interest,  hatred,  or  revenge ; — I  am  at  peace  with  the  whole 
world,  and  hail  all  mankind  as  friends  and  brothers. — Blissful 
moments  I  ye  recall  the  careless  days  of  my  boyhood,  when  mere 
existence  was  happiness,  when  hope  was  certainty,  this  world  a 
paradise,  and  every  woman  a  ministering  angel ! — surely  man  was 
designed  for  a  tenant  of  the  universe,  instead  of  being  pent  up  in 


SALMAGUNDI.  1G5 

these  dismal  cages,  these  dens  of  strife,  disease,  and  discord. 
We  were  created  to  range  the  fields,  to  sport  among  the  groves, 
to  build  castles  in  the  air,  and  have  every  one  of  them  realized ! 

A  whole  legion  of  reflections  like  these  insinuated  themselves 
into  my  mind,  and  stole  me  from  the  influence  of  the  cold  realities 
before  me,  as  I  took  my  accustomed  walk,  a  few  weeks  since, 
on  the  battery.  Here  watching  the  splendid  mutations  of  one  of 
our  summer  skies,  which  emulated  the  boasted  glories  of  an 
Italian  sun-set,  I  all  at  once  discovered  that  it  was  but  pack  up 
my  portmanteau,  bid  adieu  for  awhile  to  my  elbow-chair,  and  in  a 
little  time  I  should  be  transported  from  the  region  of  smoke,  and 
noise,  and  dust,  to  the  enjoyment  of  a  far  sweeter  prospect  and  a 
brighter  sky.  The  next  morning  I  was  off  full  tilt  to  Cockloft 
Hall,  leaving  my  man  Pompey  to  follow  at  his  leisure  with  my 
baggage.  I  love  to  indulge  in  rapid  transitions,  which  are 
prompted  by  the  quick  impulse  of  the  moment ; — 'tis  the  only 
mode  of  guarding  against  that  intruding  and  deadly  foe  to  all  par 
ties  of  pleasure — anticipation. 

Having  now  made  good  my  retreat,  until  the  black  frosts  com 
mence,  it  is  but  a  piece  of  civility  due  to  my  readers,  who  I  trust 
are,  ere  this,  my  friends,  to  give  them  a  proper  introduction  to 
my  present  residence.  I  do  this  as  much  to  gratify  them  as  my 
self;  well  knowing  a  reader  is  always  anxious  to  learn  how  his 
author  is  lodged,  whether  in  a  garret,  a  cellar,  a  hovel,  or  a 
palace ;  at  least  an  author  is  generally  vain  enough  to  think  so ; 
and  an  author's  vanity  ought  sometimes  to  be  gratified:  poor 
vagabond  1  it  is  often  the  only  gratification  he  ever  tastes  in  this 
world! 

COCKLOFT  HALL  is  the  country  residence  of  the  family,  or 
rather  the  paternal  mansion;  which,  like  the  mother  country, 
sends  forth  whole  colonies  to  populate  the  face  of  the  earth.  Pin 
dar  whimsically  denominates  it  the  family  hive !  and  there  is  at 
least  as  much  truth  as  humor  in  my  cousin's  epithet ; — for  many 
a  redundant  swarrn  has  it  produced.  I  don't  recollect  whether  I 
have  at  any  time  mentioned  to  my  readers,  for  I  seldom  look  back 
on  what  I  have  written,  that  the  fertility  of  the  Cocklofts  is  pro 
verbial.  The  female  members  of  the  family  are  most  incredibly 
fruitful;  and  to  use  a  favorite  phrase  of  old  Cockloft,  who  is 
excessively  addicted  to  backgammon,  they  seldom  fail  "  to  throw 
doublets  every  time."  I  myself  have  known  three  or  four  very 
industrious  young  men  reduced  to  great  extremities,  with  some 
of  these  capital  breeders;  heaven  smiled  upon  their  union,  and 
enriched  them  with  a  numerous  and  hopeful  offspring — who  eat 
them  out  of  doors. 

But  to  return  to  the  hall.  It  is  pleasantly  situated  on  the  bank 
of  a  sweet  pastoral  stream ;  not  so  near  town  as  to  .invite  an 
inundation  of  unmeaning,  idle  acquaintance,  who  come  to  lounge 
away  an  afternoon,  nor  so  distant  as  to  render  it  an  absolute  deed 
of  charity  or  friendship  to  perform  the  journey.  It  is  one  of  the 


1G6  SALMAGUNDI. 

oldest  habitations  in  the  country,  and  was  built  by  my  cousin 
Christopher's  grandfather,  who  was  also  mine  by  the  mother's 
side,  in  his  latter  days,  to  form,  as  the  old  gentleman  expressed 
himself,  "  a  snug  retreat,  where  he  meant  to  sit  himself  down  in 
his  old  days,  and  be  comfortable  for  the  rest  of  his  life."  He  was 
at  this  time  a  few  years  over  fourscore ;  but  this  was  a  common 
saying  of  his,  with  which  he  usually  closed  his  airy  speculations. 
One  would  have  thought,  from  the  long  vista  of  years  through 
which  he  contemplated  many  of  his  projects,  that  the  good  man 
had  forgot  the  age  of  the  patriarchs  had  long  since  gone  by,  and 
calculated  upon  living  a  century  longer  at  least.  He  was  for  a 
considerable  time  in  doubt,  on  the  question  of  roofing  his  house 
with  shingles  or  slates : — shingles  would  not  last  above  thirty 
years !  but  then  they  were  much  cheaper  than  slates.  He  set 
tled  the  matter  by  a  kind  of  compromise,  and  determined  to 
build  with  shingles  first;  "and  when  they  are  worn  out,"  said 
the  old  gentleman  triumphantly,  "  'twill  be  time  enough  to  replace 
them  with  more  durable  materials!"  But  his  contemplated  im 
provements  surpassed  everything;  and  scarcely  had  he  a  roof 
over  his  head,  when  he  discovered  a  thousand  things  to  be  ar 
ranged  before  he  could  "sit  down  comfortably."  In  the  first 
place,  every  tree  and  bush  on  the  place,  was  cut  down  or  grubbed 
up  by  the  roots,  because  they  were  not  placed  to  his  mind ;  and 
a  vast  quantity  of  oaks,  chestnuts,  and  elms,  set  out  in  clumps, 
and  rows,  and  labyrinths,  which,  he  observed,  in  about  five-and 
twenty  or  thirty  years  at  most,  would  yield  a  very  tolerable  shade, 
and,  moreover,  shut  out  all  the  surrounding  country ;  for  he  was 
determined,  he  said,  to  have  all  his  views  on  his  own  land,  and 
be  beholden  to  no  man  for  a  prospect.  This,  my  learned  readers 
will  perceive,  was  something  very  like  the  idea  of  Lorenzo  de 
Medici,  who  gave  as  a  reason  for  preferring  one  of  his  seats  above 
all  the  others,  "  that  all  the  ground  within  view  of  it  was  his 
own:"  now,  whether  my  grandfather  ever  heard  of  the  Medici,  is 
more  than  I  can  say ;  I  rather  think,  however,  from  the  charac 
teristic  originality  of  the  Cocklofts,  that  it  was  a  whim-wham  of 
his  own  begetting.  Another  odd  notion  of  the  old  gentleman, 
was  to  blow  up  a  large  bed  of  rocks,  for  the  purpose  of  having  a 
fish-pond,  although  the  river  ran  at  about  one  hundred  yards'  dis 
tance  from  the  house,  and  was  well  stored  with  fish ;  but  there 
was  nothing,  he  said,  like  having  things  to  one's  self.  So  at  it  he 
went  with  all  the  ardor  of  a  projector,  who  has  just  hit  upon  some 
splendid  and  useless  whim-wham.  As  he  proceeded,  his  views 
enlarged ;  he  would  have  a  summer-house  built  on  the  margin  of 
the  fish-pond ;  he  would  have  it  surrounded  with  elms  and  wil 
lows  ;  and  he  would  have  a  cellar  dug  under  it,  for  some  incom 
prehensible  purpose,  which  remains  a  secret  to  this  day.  "In  a 
few  years,"  he  observed,  "it  would  be  a  delightful  piece  of  wood 
and  water,  where  he  might  ramble  on  a  summer's  noon,  smoke 
1m  pipe,  and  enjoy  himself  in  his  old  days;" — thrice  honest  old 


SALMAGUNDI.  167 

soul  I — he  died  of  an  apoplexy  in  his  ninetieth  year,  just  as  he 
had  begun  to  blow  up  the  fish-poud. 

Let  no  one  ridicule  the  whim-whams  of  my  grandfather. 

If — and  of  this  there  is  no  doubt,  for  wise  men  have  said  it — if 
life  is  but  a  dream,  happy  is  he  who  can  make  the  most  of  tho 
illusion. 

Since  my  grandfather's  death,  the  hall  has  passed  through  tho 
hands  of  a  succession  of  true  old  cavaliers,  like  himself,  who  glo 
ried  in  observing  the  golden  rules  of  hospitality;  which,  accord 
ing  to  the  Cockloft  principle,  consist  in  giving  a  guest  the  freedom 
of  the  house,  cramming  him  with  beef  and  pudding,  and,  if  possi 
ble,  laying  him  under  the  table  with  prime  port,  claret,  or  Lon 
don  particular.  The  mansion  appears  to  have  been  consecrated 
to  the  jolly  God,  and  teems  with  monuments  sacred  to  convivi 
ality.  Every  chest  of  drawers,  clothes-press,  and  cabinet,  is  deco 
rated  with  enormous  China  punch-bowls,  which  Mrs,  Cockloft  has 
paraded  with  much  ostentation,  particularly  in  her  favorite  red 
damask  bed-chamber,  and  in  which  a  projector  might,  with  great 
satisfaction,  practise  his  experiments  on  fleets,  diving-bells,  and 
submarine  boats. 

I  have  before  mentioned  cousin  Christopher's  profound  venera 
tion  for  antique  furniture ;  in  consequence  of  which  the  old  hall 
is  furnished  in  much  the  same  style  with  the  house  in  town.  Old- 
fashioned  bedsteads,  with  high  testers ;  massy  clothes-presses, 
standing  most  majestically  on  eagles'  claws,  and  ornamented  with 
a  profusion  of  shining  brass  handles,  clasps,  and  hinges;  and 
around  the  grand  parlor  are  solemnly  arranged  a  set  of  higli- 
backed,  leather-bottomed,  massy,  mahogany  chairs,  that  always 
remind  me  of  the  formal  long-waisted  belles,  who  flourished  in 
stays  and  buckram,  about  the  time  they  were  in  fashion. 

If  I  may  judge  from  their  height,  it  was  not  the  fashion  for 
gentlemen  in  those  days  to  loll  over  the  back  of  a  lady's  chair,  and 
whisper  in  her  ear  what — might  be  as  well  spoken  aloud ; — at 
least,  they  must  have  been  Patagonians  to  have  effected  it.  Will 
Wizard  declares,  that  he  saw  a  little  fat  German  gallant  attempt 
once  to  whisper  Miss  Barbara  Cockloft  in  this  manner,  but  being 
unluckily  caught  by  the  chin,  he  dangled  and  kicked  about  for 
half  a  minute,  before  he  could  find  terra  firma; — but  Will  is 
much  addicted  to  hyperbole,  by  reason  of  his  having  been  a  great 
traveller. 

But  what  the  Cocklofts  most  especially  pride  themselves  upon, 
is  the  possession  of  several  family  portraits,  which  exhibit  as 
honest  a  square  set  of  portly  well  fed  looking  gentlemen  and 
gentlewomen,  as  ever  grew  and  flourished  under  the  pencil  of  a 
Dutch  painter.  Old  Christopher,  who  is  a  complete  genealogist, 
has  a  story  to  tell  of  each ;  and  dilates  with  copious  eloquence  on 
the  great  services  of  the  general  in  large  sleeves,  during  the  old 
French  war ;  and  on  the  piety  of  the  lady  in  blue  velvet,  who  so 
attentively  peruses  her  book,  and  was  once  so  celebrated  for  a 


168  SALMAGUNDI. 

beautiful  arm :  but,  much  as  I  reverence  my  illustrious  ancestors, 
I  iind  little  to  admire  in  their  biography,  except  my  cousin's  ex 
cellent  memory ;  which  is  most  provokingly  retentive  of  every 
uninteresting  particular. 

My  allotted  chamber  in  the  hall  is  the  same  that  was  occu 
pied  in  days  of  yore  by  my  honored  uncle  John.  The  room 
exhibits  many  memorials  which  recall  to  my  remembrance  the 
solid  excellence  and  amiable  eccentricities  of  that  gallant  old  lad. 
Over  the  mantel-piece  hangs  the  portrait  of  a  young  lady  dressed 
in  a  flaring,  long-waisted,  blue  silk  gown ;  be-flowered,  and  be- 
furbelowed,  and  becuffed,  in  a  most  abundant  manner ;  she  holds 
in  one  hand  a  book,  which  she  very  complaisantly  neglects  to 
turn  and  smile  on  the  spectator ;  in  the  other  a  flower,  which  I 
hope,  for  the  honor  of  dame  nature,  was  the  sole  production  of  the 
painter's  imagination ;  and  a  little  behind  her  is  something  tied  to 
a  blue  riband,  but  whether  a  little  dog,  a  monkey,  or  a  pigeon, 
must  be  left  to  the  judgment  of  future  commentators.  This  littlo 
damsel,  tradition  says,  was  my  uncle  John's  third  flame ;  and  he 
would  infallibly  have  run  away  with  her,  could  he  have  persuaded 
her  into  the  measure ;  but  at  that  time  ladies  were  not  quite  so 
easily  run  away  with  as  Columbine ;  and  my  uncle  failing  in  the 
point,  took  a  lucky  thought ;  and  with  great  gallantry  ran  off 
with  her  picture,  which  he  conveyed  in  triumph  to  Cockloft  hall, 
and  hung  up  in  his  bed-chamber  as  a  monument  of  his  enterpris 
ing  spirit.  The  old  gentleman  prided  himself  mightily  on  this  chi- 
valric  manoeuvre  ;  always  chuckled,  and  pulled  up  his  stock  when 
he  contemplated  the  picture,  and  never  related  the  exploit  with 
out  winding  up  with — "  I  might,  indeed,  have  carried  off  the 
original,  had  I  chose  to  dangle  a  little  longer  after  her  chariot- 
wheels  ; — for,  to  do  the  girl  justice,  I  believe  she  had  a  liking  for 
me;  but  I  always  scorned  to  coax,  my  boy, — always, — 'twas  my 
way."  My  uncle  John  was  of  a  happy  temperament; — I  would 
give  half  I  am  worth  for  his  talent  at  self- consolation. 

The  Miss  Cocklofts  have  made  several  spirited  attempts  to  in 
troduce  modern  furniture  into  the  hall ;  but  with  very  indifferent 
success.  Modern  style  has  always  been  an  object  of  great  annoy 
ance  to  honest  Christopher;  and  is  ever  treated  by  him  with 
sovereign  contempt,  as  an  upstart  intruder. — It  is  a  common  ob 
servation  of  his,  that  your  old-fashioned  substantial  furniture  be 
speaks  the  respectability  of  one's  ancestors,  and  indicates  that  the 
family  has  been  used  to  hold  up  its  head  for  more  than  the  present 
generation ;  whereas  the  fragile  '  appendages  of  modern  style 
seemed  to  be  emblems  of  mushroom  gentility ;  and,  to  his  mind, 
predicted  that  the  family  dignity  would  moulder  away  and  vanish 
with  the  finery  thus  put  on  of  a  sudden. — The  same  whim-wham 
makes  him  averse  to  having  his  house  surrounded  with  poplars; 
which  he  stigmatizes  as  mere  upstarts  ;  just  fit  to  ornament  the 
shingle  palaces  of  modern  gentry,  and  characteristic  of  the  esta 
blishments  they  decorate.  Indeed,  so  far  does  he  carry  his  vcnera- 


SALMAGUNDI.  1G9 

tion  for  all  the  antique  trumpery,  that  he  can  scarcely  see  the 
venerable  dust  brushed  from  its  resting-place  on  the  old-fashioned 
testers ;  or  a  gray-bearded  spider  dislodged  from  its  ancient 
inheritance  without  groaning ;  and  I  once  saw  him  in  a  transport 
of  passion  on  Jeremy's  knocking  down  a  mouldering  martin -coop 
with  his  tennis-ball,  which  had  been  set  up  in  the  latter  days  of 
my  grandfather.  Another  object  of  his  peculiar  affection  is  an  old 
English  cherry-tree,  which  leans  against  a  corner  of  the  hall ;  and 
whether  the  house  supports  it,  or  it  supports  the  house,  would  be, 
I  believe,  a  question  of  some  difficulty  to  decide.  It  is  held  sacred 
by  friend  Christopher  because  he  planted  and  reared  it  himself, 
and  had  once  well  nigh  broke  his  neck  by  a  fall  from  one  of  its 
branches.  This  is  one  of  his  favorite  stories  : — and  there  is  reason 
to  believe,  that  if  the  tree  was  out  of  the  way,  the  old  gentleman 
would  forget  the  whole  affair ; — which  would  be  a  great  pity. — 
The  old  tree  has  long  since  ceased  bearing,  and  is  exceedingly  in 
firm  ; — every  tempest  robs  it  of  a  limb ;  and  one  would  suppose 
from  the  lamentations  of  my  old  friend,  on  such  occasions,  that  he 
had  lost  one  of  his  own.  He  often  contemplates  it  in  a  half- 
melancholy,  half-moralizing  humor — "  together,"  he  says,  "  have 
we  flourished,  and  together  shall  we  wither  away : — a  few  years, 
and  both  our  heads  will  be  laid  low  ;  and,  perhaps,  my  moulder 
ing  bones  may,  one  day  or  other,  mingle  with  the  dust  of  the  tree 
I  have  planted."  He  often  fancies,  he  says,  that  it  rejoices  to  see 
him  when  he  revisits  the  hall ;  and  that  its  leaves  assume  a 
brighter  verdure,  as  if  to  welcome  his  arrival.  How  whimsically 
are  our  tenderest  feelings  assailed  !  At  one  time  the  old  tree  had 
obtruded  a  withered  branch  before  Miss  Barbara's  window,  and 
she  desired  her  father  to  order  the  gardener  to  saw  it  off.  I  shall 
never  forget  the  old  man's  answer,  and  the  look  that  accompanied 
it.  "  What,"  cried  he,  "  lop  oft'  the  limbs  of  my  cherry  tree  in  its 
old  age  ? — why  do  you  not  cut  off  the  gray  locks  of  your  poor  old 
father?" 

Do  my  readers  yawn  at  this  long  family  detail?  They  are 
welcome  to  throw  down  our  work,  and  never  resume  it  again. 
I  have  no  care  for  such  ungratified  spirits,  and  will  not  throw 
away  a  thought  on  one  of  them  ; — full  often  have  I  contributed 
to  their  amusement,  and  have  not  I  a  right,  for  once,  to  consult 
my  own  ?  Who  is  there  that  does  not  fondly  turn,  at  times,  to 
linger  round  those  scenes  which  were  once  the  haunt  of  his  boy 
hood,  ere  his  heart  grew  heavy  and  his  head  waxed  grey ; — and 
to  dwell  with  fond  affection  on  the  friends  who  have  twined 

themselves  round  his  heart, mingled  in  all  his  enjoyments, 

contributed  to  all  his  felicities  ?  If  there  be  any,  who  cannot 
relish  these  enjoyments,  let  them  despair ; — for  they  have  been  so 
soiled  in  their  intercourse  with  the  world,  as  to  be  incapable  of 
tasting  some  of  the  purest  pleasures  that  survive  the  happy  period 
of  youth. 

To  such  as  have  not  yet  lost  the  rural  feeling  I  address  this  sim- 


170  SALMAGUNDI. 

pie  family  picture ;  and  in  the  honest  sincerity  of  a  warm  heart,  I 
invite  them  to  turn  aside  from  bustle,  care,  and  toil,  to  tarry  with 
me  for  a  season,  in  the  hospitable  mansion  of  the  Cocklofts. 


I  was  really  apprehensive,  on  reading  the  following  effusion  of 
"Will  Wizard,  that  he  still  retained  that  pestilent  hankering  after 
puns  of  which  we  lately  convicted  him.  He,  however,  declares 
that  he  is  fully  authorised  by  the  example  of  the  most  popular 
critics  and  wits  of  the  present  age,  whose  manner  and  matter  he 
has  closely,  and  he  flatters  himself  successfully,  copied  in  the  sub- 


THEATRICAL  INTELLIGENCE. 

BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,   ESQ. 

THE  uncommon  healthiness  of  the  season  occasioned,  as  several 
learned  physicians  assure  me,  by  the  universal  prevalence  of  the 
influenza,  has  encouraged  the  chieftain  of  our  dramatic  corps  to 
marshal  his  forces,  and  to  commence  the  campaign  at  a  much 
earlier  day  than  usual.  He  has  been  induced  to  take  the  field, 
thus  suddenly,  I  am  told,  by  the  invasion  of  certain  foreign  ma 
rauders,  who  pitched  their  tents  at  Vauxhall  Garden  during  the 
warm  months ;  and  taking  advantage  of  his  army  being  disbanded 
and  dispersed  in  summer  quarters,  committed  sad  depredations 
upon  the  borders  of  his  territories ; — carrying  off  a  considerable 
portion  of  his  winter  harvest,  and  murdering  some  of  his  most 
distinguished  characters. 

It  is  true,  these  hardy  invaders  have  been  reduced  to  great 
extremity  by  the  late  heavy  rains,  which  injured  and  destroyed 
much  of  their  camp  equipage,  besides  spoiling  the  best  part  of 
their  wardrobe.  Two  cities,  a  triumphal  car,  and  a  new  moon  for 
Cinderella,  together  with  the  barber's  boy  who  was  employed 
every  night  to  powder  and  make  it  shine  white,  have  been 
entirely  washed  away,  and  the  sea  has  become  very  wet  and 
mouldy;  insomuch  that  great  apprehensions  are  entertained  that 
it  will  never  be  dry  enough  for  use.  Add  to  this  the  noble 
county  Paris  had  the  misfortune  to  tear  his  corduroy  breeches,  in 
the  scuffle  with  Romeo,  by  reason  of  the  tomb  being  very  wet, 
which  occasioned  him  to  slip ;  and  he  and  his  noble  rival  pos 
sessing  but  one  poor  pair  of  satin  ones  between  them,  were 
reduced  to  considerable  shifts  to  keep  up  the  dignity  of  their 
respective  houses.  In  spite  of  these  disadvantages,  and  the 


SALMAGUNDI.  171 

untoward  circumstances,  they  continued  to  enact  most  intrepidly ; 
performing  with  much  ease  and  confidence,  inasmuch  as  they 
were  seldom  pestered  with  an  audience  to  criticise  and  put  them 
out  of  countenance.  It  is  rumored  that  the  last  heavy  shower 
absolutely  dissolved  the  company,  and  that  our  manager  has  nothing 
further  to  apprehend  from  that  quarter. 

The  theatre  opened  on  Wednesday  last,  with  great  eclat,  as  wo 
critics  say,  and  almost  vied  in  brilliancy  with  that  of  my  superb 
friend  Consequa  in  Canton,  where  the  castles  were  all  ivory,  the  sea 
mother  of  pearl,  the  skies  gold  and  silver  leaf,  and  the  outside  of 
the  boxes  inlaid  with  scallop  shell-work.  Those  who  want  a 
better  description  of  the  theatre,  may  as  well  go  and  see  it,  and 
then  they  can  judge  for  themselves.  For  the  gratification  of  a 
highly  respectable  class  of  readers,  who  love  to  see  every  thing  on 
paper,  I  had  indeed  prepared  a  circumstantial  and  truly  incom 
prehensible  account  of  it,  such  as  your  traveller  always  fills  his 
book  with,  and  which  I  defy  the  most  intelligent  architect,  even 
the  great  Sir  Christopher  Wren,  to  understand.  I  had  jumbled 
cornices,  and  pilasters,  and  pillars,  and  capitals,  and  trigliphs,  and 
modules,  and  plinths,  and  volutes,  and  perspectives,  and  fore-short 
enings,  helter-skelter ;  and  had  set  all  the  orders  of  architecture, 
Doric,  Ionic,  Corinthian,  &c.,  together  by  the  ears,  in  order  to 
work  out  a  satisfactory  description ;  but  the  manager  having  sent 
me  a  polite  note,  requesting  that  I  would  not  take  off  the  sharp 
edge,  as  he  whimsically  expressed  it,  of  public  curiosity,  thereby 
diminishing  the  receipts  of  his  house,  I  have  willingly  consented 
to  oblige  him,  and  have  left  my  description  at  the  store  of  our 
publisher,  where  any  person  may  see  it — provided  he  applies  at  a 
proper  hour. 

I  cannot  refrain  here  from  giving  vent  to  the  satisfaction  I 
received  from  the  excellent  performances  of  the  different  actors, 
one  and  all;  and  particularly  the  gentlemen  who  shifted  tho 
scenes,  who  acquitted  themselves  throughout  with  great  celerity, 
dignity,  pathos,  and  effect.  Nor  must  I  pass  over  the  pecu 
liar  merits  of  my  friend  JOHN,  who  gallanted  off  the  chairs  and 
tables  in  the  most  dignified  and  circumspect  manner.  Indeed,  I 
have  had  frequent  occasion  to  applaud  the  correctness  with  which 
this  gentleman  fulfils  the  parts  allotted  him,  and  consider  him  as 
one  of  the  best  general  performers  in  the  company.  My  friend, 
the  cockney,  found  considerable  fault  with  the  manner  in  which 
John  shoved  a  huge  rock  from  behind  the  scenes ;  maintaining 
that  he  should  have  put  his  left  foot  forward,  and  pushed  it  with 
his  right  hand,  that  being  the  method  practised  by  his  contempo 
raries  of  the  royal  theatres,  and  universally  approved  by  their  best 
critics.  He  also  took  exception  to  John's  coat,  which  he  pro 
nounced  too  short  by  a  foot  at  least,  particularly  when  he  turned 
his  back  to  the  company.  But  I  look  upon  these  objections  in 
the  same  light  a>s  new  readings,  and  insist  that  John  shall  be 
allowed  to  manoeuvre  his  chairs  and  tables,  shove  his  rocks,  and 


172  SALMAGUHBI. 

wear  his  skirts  in  that  style  which  his  genius  best  effects.  My 
hopes  in  the  rising  merit  of  this  favorite  actor  daily  increase ; 
and  I  would  hint  to  the  manager  the  propriety  of  giving  him  a 
benefit,  advertising  in  the  usual  style  of  play-bills,  as  a  "  springe 
to  catch  woodcocks,"  that,  between  the  play  and  farce,  John  will 
MAKE  A  BOW — for  that  night  only ! 

I  am  told  that  no  pains  have  been  spared  to  make  the  exhibi 
tions  of  this  season  as  splendid  as  possible.  Several  expert  rat 
catchers  have  been  sent  into  different  parts  of  the  country  to  catch 
white  mice,  for  the  grand  pantomime  of  CINDERELLA.  A  nest  full 
of  little  squab  Cupids  have  been  taken  in  the  neighborhood  of 
Communipaw ;  they  are  as  yet  but  half  fledged,  of  the  true  Holland 
breed,  and  it  is  hoped  will  be  able  to  fly  about  by  the  middle  of 
October ;  otherwise  they  will  be  suspended  about  the  stage  by 
the  waistband,  like  little  alligators  in  an  apothecary's  shop,  as  the 
pantomime  must  positively  be  performed  by  that  time.  Great 
pains  and  expense  have  been  incurred  in  the  importation  of  one 
of  the  most  portly  pumpkins  in  New  England ;  and  the  public 
may  be  assured  there  is  now  one  on  board  a  vessel  from  New 
Haven,  which  will  contain  Cinderella's  coach  and  six  with  perfect 
ease,  were  the  white  mice  even  ten  times  as  large. 

Also  several  barrels  of  hail,  rain,  brimstone,  and  gunpowder, 
are  in  store  for  melo-dramas,  of  which  a  number  are  to  be  played 
off  this  winter.  It  is  furthermore  whispered  me  that  the  great 
thunder  drum  has  been  new  braced,  and  an  expert  performer  on 
that  instrument  engaged,  who  will  thunder  in  plain  English,  so 
as  to  be  understood  by  the  most  illiterate  hearer.  This  will  be 
infinitely  preferable  to  the  miserable  Italian  thunderer,  remployed 
last  winter  by  Mr.  Ciceri,  who  performed  in  such  an  unnatural 
and  outlandish  tongue,  that  none  but  the  scholars  of  signor  Da 
Ponte  could  understand  him.  It  will  be  a  further  gratification  to 
the  patriotic  audience  to  know,  that  the  present  thunderer  is  a 
fellow-countryman,  born  at  Dunderbarrack,  among  the  echoes  of 
the  Highlands ; — and  that  he  thunders  with  peculiar  emphasis 
and  pompous  enunciation,  in  the  true  style  of  a  fourth  of  July 
orator. 

In  addition,  to  all  these  additions,  the  manager  has  provided  an 
entire  new  snow-storm,  the  very  sight  of  which  will  be  quite  suffi 
cient  to  draw  a  shawl  over  every  naked  bosom  in  the  theatre ;  the 
snow  is  perfectly  fresh,  having  been  manufactured  last  August. 

N.  B.  The  outside  of  the  theatre  has  been  ornamented  with  a 
new  chimney!! 


SALMAGUNDI.  173 


No.  XV.— THURSDAY,  OCTOBER  1,  1807. 
SKETCHES  FROM  NATURE. 

BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

THE  brisk  north- westers,  which  prevailed  not  long  since,  had  a 
powerful  effect  in  arresting  the  progress  of  belles,  beaux,  and 
wild  pigeons  in  their  fashionable  northern  tour,  and  turning  them 
back  to  the  more  balmy  region  of  the  south.  Among  the  rest,  I 
was  encountered,  full  butt,  by  a  blast  which  set  my  teeth  chat 
tering,  just  as  I  doubled  one  of  the  frowning  bluffs  of  the  Mohawk 
mountains,  in  my  route  to  Niagara;  and  facing  about  inconti 
nently.  I  forthwith  scud  before  the  wind,  and  a  few  days  since 
arrived  at  my  old  quarters  in  New  York.  My  first  care,  on 
returning  from  so  long  an  absence,  was  to  visit  the  worthy  family 
of  the  Cocklofts,  whom  I  found  safe  burrowed  in  then-  country 
mansion.  On  inquiring  for  my  highly  respected  coadjutor,  Lang- 
staff,  I  learned  with  great  concern  that  he  had  relapsed  into  one 
of  his  eccentric  fits  of  the  spleen,  ever  since  the  era  of  a  turtle 
dinner  given  by  old  Cockloft  to  some  of  the  neighboring  squires ; 
wherein  the  old  gentleman  had  achieved  a  glorious  victory,  in 
laying  honest  Launcelot  fairly  under  the  table.  Langstaff, 
although  fond  of  the  social  board  and  cheerful  glass,  yet  abomi 
nates  any  excess ;  and  has  an  invincible  aversion  to  getting  mel 
low,  considering  it  a  wilful  outrage  on  the  sanctity  of  imperial 
mind,  a  senseless  abuse  of  the  body,  and  an  unpardonable,  because 
a  voluntary,  prostration  of  both  mental  and  personal  dignity.  I 
have  heard  him  moralize  on  the  subject,  in  a  style  that  would 
do  honor  to  Michael  Cassio  himself;  but  I  believe,  if  the  truth 
were  known,  this  antipathy  rather  rises  from  his  having,  as  the 
phrase  is,  but  a  weak  head,  and  nerves  so  extremely  sensitive, 
that  he  is  sure  to  suffer  severely  from  a  frolic ;  and  will  groan  and 
make  resolutions  against  it  for  a  week  afterwards.  He  therefore 
took  this  waggish  exploit  of  old  Christopher's,  and  the  consequent 
quizzing  which  he  underwent,  in  high  dudgeon ;  had  kept  aloof 
from  company  for  a  fortnight,  and  appeared  to  be  meditating  some 
deep  plan  of  retaliation  upon  his  mischievous  old  crony.  He 
had,  however,  for  the  last  day  or  two,  shown  some  symptoms  of 
convalescence:  had  listened,  without  more  than  half  a  dozen 
twitches  of  impatience,  to  one  of  Christopher's  unconscionable  long 


174  SALMAGUNDI. 

stories;  and  even  was  seen  to  smile,  for  the  one  hundred  and 
thirtieth  time,  at  a  venerable  joke  originally  borrowed  from  Joe 
Miller;  but  which,  by  dint  of  long  occupancy,  and  frequent  repeti 
tion,  the  old  gentleman  now  firmly  believes  happened  to  himself 
somewhere  in  New  England. 

As  I  am  well  acquainted  with  Launcelot's  haunts,  I  soon  found 
him  out.  He  was  lolling  on  his  favorite  bench,  rudely  construct 
ed  at  the  foot  of  an  old  tree,  which  is  full  of  fantastical  twists,  and 
with  its  spreading  branches  forms  a  canopy  of  luxuriant  foliage. 
This  tree  is  a  kind  of  chronicle  of  the  short  reigns  of  his  uncle 
John's  mistresses ;  and  its  trunk  is  sorely  wounded  with  carvings 
of  true  lovers'  knots,  hearts,  darts,  names,  and  inscriptions! — 
frail  memorials  of  the  variety  of  the  fair  dames  who  captivated 
the  wandering  fancy  of  that  old  cavalier  in  the  days  of  his  youth 
ful  romance.  Launcelot  holds  this  tree  in  particular  regard,  as  he 
does  every  thing  else  connected  with  the  memory  of  his  good 
uncle  John.  He  was  reclining,  in  one  of  his  usual  brown  studies, 
against  its  trunk,  and  gazing  pensively  upon  the  river  that  glided 
just  by,  washing  the  drooping  branches  of  the  dwarf  willows  that 
fringed  its  bank.  My  appearance  roused  him ; — he  grasped  my 
hand  with  his  usual  warmth,  and  with  a  tremulous  but  close  pres 
sure,  which  spoke  that  his  heart  entered  into  the  salutation. 
After  a  number  of  affectionate  inquiries  and  felicitations,  such  as 
friendship,  not  form,  dictated,  he  seemed  to  relapse  into  his  former 
flow  of  thought,  and  to  resume  the  chain  of  ideas  my  appearance 
had  broken  for  a  moment. 

"I  was  reflecting,"  said  he,  "my  dear  Anthony,  upon  some 
observations  I  made  in  our  last  number ;  and  considering  whether 
the  sight  of  objects  once  dear  to  the  affections,  or  of  scenes  where 
we  have  passed  different  happy  periods  of  early  life,  really  occa 
sions  most  enjoyment  or  most  regret.  Kenewing  our  acquaint 
ance  with  well-known  but  long  separated  objects,  revives,  it  is 
true,  the  recollection  of  former  pleasures,  and  touches  the  tender- 
est  feelings  of  the  heart ;  like  the  flavor  of  a  delicious  beverage, 
will  remain  upon  the  palate  long  after  the  cup  has  parted  from  the 
lips.  But  on  the  other  hand,  my  friend,  these  same  objects  are  too 
apt  to  awaken  us  to  a  keener  recollection  of  what  we  were,  when 
they  erst  delighted  us;  and  to  provoke  a  mortifying  and  melan 
choly  contrast  with  what  we  are  at  present.  They  act,  in  a  man 
ner,  as  milestones  of  existence,  showing  us  how  far  we  have  tra 
velled  in  the  journey  of  life ; — how  much  of  our  weary  but  fasci 
nating  pilgrimage  is  accomplished.  I  look  round  me,  and  my  eye 
fondly  recognises  the  fields  I  once  sported  over,  the  river  in 
which  I  once  swam,  and  the  orchard  I  intrepidly  robbed  in  the 
halcyon  days  of  boyhood.  The  fields  are  still  green,  the  river 
still  rolls  unaltered  and  undiminished,  and  the  orchard  is  still 
flourishing  and  fruitful ; — it  is  I  only  am  changed.  The  thought 
less  flow  of  mad-cap  spirits  that  nothing  could  depress ; — the  elas 
ticity  of  nerve  that  enabled  me  to  bound  over  the  field,  to  stem 


SALMAGUNDI.  175 

the  stream,  and  climb  the  tree; — the  "sunshine  of  the  breast" 
that  beamed  an  illusive  charm  over  every  object,  and  created  a 
paradise  around  me! — where  are  they? — the  thievish  lapse  of 
years  has  stolen  them  away,  and  left  in  return  nothing  but  gray 
hairs,  and  a  repining  spirit."  My  friend  Launcelot  concluded  his 
harangue  with  a  sigh,  and  as  I  saw  he  was  still  under  the  influ 
ence  of  a  whole  legion  of  the  blues,  and  just  on  the  point  of  sink 
ing  into  one  of  his  whimsical  and  unreasonable  tits  of  melancholy 
abstraction,  I  proposed  a  walk ;  he  consented,  and  slipping  his 
left  arm  in  mine,  and  waving  in  the  other  a  gold-headed  thorn 
cane,  bequeathed  him  by  his  uncle  John,  we  slowly  rambled 
along  the  margin  of  the  river. 

Langstaff,  though  possessing  great  vivacity  of  temper,  is  most 
wofully  subject  to  these  "thick  coming  fancies:"  and  I  do  not 
know  a  man  whose  animal  spirits  do  insult  him  with  more  jiltings, 
and  coquetries,  and  slippery  tricks.  In  these  moods  he  is  often 
visited  by  a  whim-wham  which  he  indulges  in  common  with  the 
Cocklofts.  It  is  that  of  looking  back  with  regret,  conjuring  up  the 
phantoms  of  good  old  times,  and  decking  them  out  in  imaginary 
finery,  with  the  spoils  of  his  fancy;  like  a  good  lady  widow, 
regretting  the  loss  of  the  "poor  dear  man;"  for  whom,  while  liv 
ing,  she  cared  not  a  rush.  I  have  seen  him  and  Pindar,  and  old 
Cockloft,  amuse  themselves  over  a  bottle  with  their  youthful 
days ;  until  by  the  time  they  had  become  what  is  termed  merry, 
they  were  the  most  miserable  beings  in  existence.  In  a  similar 
humor  was  Launcelot  at  present,  and  I  knew  the  only  way  was 
to  let  him  moralize  himself  out  of  it. 

Our  ramble  was  soon  interrupted  by  the  appearance  of  a  per 
sonage  of  no  little  importance  at  Cockloft- hall : — for,  to  let  my 
readers  into  a  family  secret,  friend  Christopher  is  notoriously  hen 
pecked  by  an  old  negro,  who  has  whitened  on  the  place ;  and  is 
his  master,  almanac,  and  counsellor.  My  readers,  if  haply  they 
have  sojourned  in  the  country,  and  become  conversant  in  rural 
manners,  must  have  observed,  that  there  is  scarce  a  little  hamlet 
but  has  one  of  these  old  weather-beaten  wiseacres  of  negroes,  who 
ranks  among  the  great  characters  of  the  place.  He  is  always 
resorted  to  as  an  oracle  to  resolve  any  question  about  the  wea 
ther,  fishing,  shooting,  farming,  and  horse-doctoring:  and  on  such 
occasions  will  slouch  his  remnant  of  a  hat  on  one  side,  fold  his 
arms,  roll  his  white  eyes  and  examine  the  sky,  with  a  look  as 
knowing  as  Peter  Pindar's  magpie  when  peeping  into  a  marrow 
bone.  Such  a  sage  curmudgeon  is  Old  Caesar,  who  acts  as  friend 
Cockloft's  prime  minister  or  grand  vizier ;  assumes,  when  abroad, 
his  master's  style  and  title;  to  wit,  squire  Cockloft;  and  is,  in 
effect,  absolute  lord  and  ruler  of  the  soil. 

As  he  passed  us,  he  pulled  off  his  hat  with  an  air  of  something 
more  than  respect ; — it  partook,  I  thought,  of  affection.  "  There, 
now,  is  another  memento  of  the  kind  I  have  been  noticing,"  said 
Launcelot ;  "  Cassar  was  a  bosom  friend  and  chosen  playmate  of 


1^6  SALMAGUNDI. 

cousin  Pindar  and  myself,  when  we  were  boys.  Never  were  we 
so  happy  as  when,  stealing  away  on  a  holiday  to  the  hall,  we 
ranged  about  the  fields  with  honest  Caesar.  He  was  particularly 
adroit  in  making  our  quail-traps  and  fishing  rods;  was  always 
the  ring-leader  in  all  the  schemes  of  frolicksome  mischief  per 
petrated  by  the  urchins  of  the  neighborhood ;  considered  himself 
on  an  equality  with  the  best  of  us ;  and  many  a  hard  battle  have 
I  had  with  him,  about  the  division  of  the  spoils  of  an  orchard,  or 
the  title  to  a  bird's  nest.  Many  a  summer  evening  do  I  remember 
when,  huddled  together  on  the  steps  of  the  hall  door,  Csesar, 
with  his  stories  of  ghosts,  goblins,  and  witches,  would  put  us  all  in 
a  panic,  and  people  every  lane,  and  church-yard,  and  solitary 
wood,  with  imaginary  beings.  In  process  of  time,  he  became  the 
constant  attendant  and  Man  Friday  of  cousin  Pindar,  whenever 
he  went  a  sparking  among  the  rosy  country  girls  of  the  neigh 
boring  farms;  and  brought  up  his  rear  at  every  rustic  dance, 
when  he  would  mingle  in  the  sable  group  that  always  thronged 
the  door  of  merriment;  and  it  was  enough  to  put  to  the  rout  a 
host  of  splenetic  imps  to  see  his  mouth  gradually  dilate  from  ear 
to  ear,  with  pride  and  exultation,  at  seeing  how  neatly  master 
Pindar  footed  it  over  the  floor.  Caesar  was  likewise  the  chosen 
confidant  and  special  agent  of  Pindar  in  all  his  love  affairs,  until, 
as  his  evil  stars  would  have  it,  on  being  entrusted  with  the 
delivery  of  a  poetic  billetdoux  to  one  of  his  patron's  sweethearts, 
he  took  an  unlucky  notion  to  send  it  to  his  own  sable  dulcinea ; 
who,  not  being  able  to  read  it,  took  it  to  her  mistress; — and  so 
the  whole  affair  was  blown.  Pindar  was  universally  roasted, 
and  Caesar  discharged  for  ever  from  his  confidence. 

"  Poor  Csesar  1 — he  has  now  grown  old,  like  his  young  masters, 
but  he  still  remembers  old  times ;  and  will,  now  and  then,  remind 
me  of  them  as  he  lights  me  to  my  room,  and  lingers  a  little  while 

to  bid  me  a  good  night : believe  me,  my  dear  Evergreen,  the 

honest  simple  old  creature  has  a  warm  corner  in  my  heart ; — I 
don't  see,  for  my  part,  why  a  body  may  not  like  a  negro  as  well 
as  a  white  man!" 

By  the  time  these  biographical  anecdotes  were  ended  we  had 
reached  the  stable,  into  which  we  involuntarily  strolled,  and 
found  Caesar  busily  employed  in  rubbing  down  the  horses ;  an 
office  he  would  not  entrust  to  any  body  else ;  having  contracted  an 
affection  for  every  beast  in  the  stable,  from  their  being  descendants 
of  the  old  race  of  animals,  his  youthful  contemporaries.  Caesar 
was  very  particular  in  giving  us  their  pedigrees,  together  with  a 
panegyric  on  the  swiftness,  bottom,  blood,  and  spirit  of  their  sires. 
From  these  he  digressed  into  a  variety  of  anecdotes  in  which 
Launcelot  bore  a  conspicuous  part,  and  on  which  the  old  negro 
dwelt  with  all  the  garrulity  of  age.  Honest  Langstaff  stood 
leaning  with  his  arm  over  the  back  of  his  favorite  steed,  old 
Killdeer;  and  I  could  perceive  he  listened  to  Caesar's  simple 
details  with  that  fond  attention  with  which  a  feeling  mind  will 


SALMAGUNDI.  177 

hang  over  narratives  of  boyish  days.  His  eye  sparkled  with 
animation,  a  glow  of  youthful  fire  stole  across  his  pale  visage ;  he 
nodded  with  smiling  approbation  at  every  sentence ; — chuckled 
at  every  exploit;  laughed  heartily  at  the  story  of  his  once  having 
smoked  out  a  country  singing  school  with  brimstone  and  as- 
safoetida; — and  slipping  a  piece  of  money  into  old  CaBsar's  hand  to 
buy  himself  a  new  tobacco-box,  he  seized  me  by  the  arm  and 
hurried  out  of  the  stable  brimful  of  good  nature.  "  'Tis  a  pestilent 
old  rogue  for  talking,  my  dear  fellow,"  cried  he,  "but  you  must 
not  find  fault  with  him, — the  creature  means  well."  I  knew  at 
the  very  moment  that  he  made  this  apology,  honest  Caesar  could 
not  have  given  "him  half  the  satisfaction  had  he  talked  like  a 
Cicero  or  a  Solomon. 

Launcelot  returned  to  the  house  with  me  in  the  best  possible 
humor : — the  whole  family,  who  in  truth  love  and  honor  him  from 
their  very  souls,  were  delighted  to  see  the  sun-beams  once  more 
play  in  his  countenance.  Every  one  seemed  to  vie  who  should 
talk  the  most,  tell  the  longest  stories,  and  be  most  agreeable ;  and 
Will  Wizard,  who  had  accompanied  me  in  my  visit,  declared  as 
he  lighted  his  segar,  which  had  gone  out  forty  times  in  the  course 
of  one  of  his  oriental  tales, — that  he  had  not  passed  so  pleasant  an 
evening  since  the  birth-night  ball  of  the  beauteous  empress  of 
Hayti. 

[The  following  essay  was  written  by  my  friend  Langstaff,  in 
one  of  the  paroxysms  of  his  splenetic  complaint ;  and,  for  aught  I 
know,  may  have  been  effectual  in  restoring  him  to  good  humor. 
— A  mental  discharge  of  the  kind  has  a  remarkable  tendency 
toward  sweetening  the  temper, — and  Launcelot  is,  at  this  moment, 
one  of  the  best  natured  men  in  existence. 

A.  EVERGREEN.] 


ON  GREATNESS. 

BY  LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,   ESQ. 

WE  have  more  than  once,  in  the  course  of  our  work,  been  most 
jocosely  familiar  with  great  personages;  and,  in  truth,  treated 
them  with  as  little  ceremony,  respect,  and  consideration,  as  if 
they  had  been  our  most  particular  friends.  Now,  we  would  not 
suffer  the  mortification  of  having  our  readers  even  suspect  us  of 
an  intimacy  of  the  kind ;  assuring  them  we  are  extremely  choice 
in  our  intimates  and  uncommonly  circumspect  in  avoiding  con- 


178  SALMAGUNDI. 

nexions  with  all  doubtful  characters ;  particularly  pimps,  bailiffs, 
lottery-brokers,  chevaliers  of  industry,  and  great  men.  The 
world,  in  general,  is  pretty  well  aware  of  what  is  to  be  understoo  1 
by  the  former  classes  of  delinquents ;  but  as  the  latter  has  never 
I  believe,  been  specifically  defined ;  and  as  we  are  determined  to 
instruct  our  readers  to  the  extent  of  our  abilities,  and  their  limit 
ed  comprehension,  it  may  not  be  amiss  here  to  let  them  know 
what  we  understand  by  a  great  man. 

First,  therefore,  let  us,  editors  and  kings  are  always  plural,  pro 
mise,  that  there  are  two  kinds  of  greatness; — one  conferred  ioy 
heaven — the  exalted  nobility  of  the  soul ; — the  other,  a  spurious 
distinction,  engendered  by  the  mob  and  lavished  upon  its  favorites. 
The  former  of  these  distinctions  we  have  always  contemplated 
with  reverence;  the  latter,  we  will  take  this  opportunity  to  strip 
naked  before  our  unenlightened  readers ;  so  that  if  by  chance  any 
of  them  are  held  in  ignominious  thraldom  by  this  base  circulation 
of  false  coin,  they  may  forthwith  emancipate  themselves  from  such 
inglorious  delusion. 

It  is  a  fictitious  value  given  to  individuals  by  public  caprice,  as 
bankers  give  an  impression  to  a  worthless  slip  of  paper  :  thereby 
gaining  it  a  currency  for  infinitely  more  than  its  intrinsic  value. 
Every  nation  has  its  peculiar  coin,  and  peculiar  great  men;  neither 
of  which  will,  for  the  most  part,  pass  current  out  of  the  country 
where  they  are  stamped.  Your  true  mob-created  great  man,  is 
like  a  note  of  one  of  the  little  New-England  banks,  and  his  value 
depreciates  in  proportion  to  the  distance  from  home.  In  England, 
a  great  man  is  he  who  has  most  ribands  and  gew-gaws  on  his  coat, 
most  horses  to  his  carriage,  most  slaves  in  his  retinue,  or  most 
toad-eaters  at  his  table  ;  in  France,  he  who  can  most  dexterously 

flourish  his  heels  above  his  head Duport  is  most  incontestably 

the  greatest  man  in  France  1 — when  the  emperor  is  absent.  The 
greatest  man  in  China,  is  he  who  can  trace  his  ancestry  up  to  the 
moon ;  and  in  this  country,  our  great  men  may  generally  hunt  down 
their  pedigree  until  it  burrows  in  the  dirt  like  a  rabbit.  To  be 
concise  ;  our  great  men  are  those  who  are  most  expert  at  crawl 
ing  on  all  fours,  and  have  the  happiest  facility  hi  dragging  and 
winding  themselves  along  in  the  dirt  like  very  reptiles.  This  may 
seem  a  paradox  to  many  of  my  readers,  who,  with  great  good 
nature  be  it  hinted,  are  too  stupid  to  look  beyond  the  mere  surface 
of  our  invaluable  writings ;  arid  often  pass  over  the  knowing  allu 
sion,  and  poignant  meaning,  that  is  slily  couching  beneath.  It  is 
for  the  benefit  of  such  helpless  ignorants,  who  have  no  other  creed 
but  the  opinion  of  the  mob,  that  I  shall  trace,  as  far  as  it  is  possi 
ble  to  follow  him  in  his  progress  from  insignificance — the  rise, 
progress,  and  completion  of  a  LITTLE  GREAT  MAN. 

In  a  logocracy,  to  use  the  sage  Mustapha's  phrase,  it  is  not  ab 
solutely  necessary  to  the  formation  of  a  great  man  that  he  should 
be  either  wise  or  valiant,  upright  or  honorable.  On  the  contrary, 
daily  experience  shows,  that  these  qualities  rather  impede  his  pre- 


SALMAGUNDI.  179 

ferment;  inasmuch  as  they  are  prone  to  render  him  too  inflexibly 
erect,  and  directly  at  variance  with  that  willowy  suppleness  which 
enables  a  man  to  wind,  and  twist,  through  all  the  nooks  and  turns 
and  dark  winding  passages  that  lead  to  greatness.  The  grand 
requisite  for  climbing  the  rugged  hill  of  popularity, — the  summit 
of  which  is  the  seat  of  power, — is  to  be  useful.  And  here  once 
more,  for  the  sake  of  our  readers,  who  are,  of  course,  not  so  wise 
as  ourselves,  I  must  explain  what  we  understand  by  usefulness. 
The  horse,  in  his  native  state,  is  wild,  swift,  impetuous,  full  of 
majesty,  and  of  a  most  generous  spirit.  It  is  then  the  animal  is 
noble,  exalted,  and  useless. — But  entrap  him,  manacle  him,  cudgel 
him,  break  down  his  lofty  spirit,  put  the  curb  into  his  mouth,  the 
load  upon  his  back,  and  reduce  him  into  servile  obedience  to  the 
bridle  and  the  lash,  and  it  is  then  he  becomes  useful.  Your  jack 
ass  is  one  of  the  most  useful  animals  in  existence.  If  my  read 
ers  do  not  now  understand  what  I  mean  by  usefulness,  I  give  them 
all  up  for  most  absolute  nincoms. 

To  rise  in  this  country,  a  man  must  first  descend.  The  aspiring 
politician  may  be  compared  to  that  indefatigable  insect,  called  the 
tumbler ;  pronounced  by  a  distinguished  personage  to  be  the  only 
industrious  animal  in  Virginia,  which  buries  itself  in  filth,  and 
works  ignobly  in  the  dirt,  until  it  forms  a  little  bah1,  which  it  rolls 
laboriously  along,  like  Diogenes  in  his  tub ;  sometimes  head, 
sometimes  tail  foremost,  pilfering  from  every  rut  and  mud  hole, 
and  increasing  its  ball  of  greatness  by  the  contributions  of  the 
kennel.  Just  so  the  candidate  for  greatness  ; — he  plunges  into 
that  mass  of  obscenity,  the  mob  -labors  in  dirt  and  oblivion,  and 
makeir~unto  himself  the  rudiments  of  a  popular  name  from  the 
admiration  and  praises  of  rogues,  ignoramuses,  and  blackguards. 
His  name  once  started,  onward  he  goes  struggling  and  puffing, 
and  pushing  it  before  him ;  collecting  new  tributes  from  the  dregs 
and  offals  of  the  land,  as  he  proceeds,  until  having  gathered  to 
gether  a  mighty  mass  of  popularity,  he  mounts  it  in  triumph  ;  is 
hoisted  into  office,  and  becomes  a  great  man,  and  a  ruler  in  tho 
land; — all  this  will  be  clearly  illustrated  by  a  sketch  of  a  worthy 
of  the  kind,  who  sprung  up  under  my  eye,  and  was  hatched  from 
pollution  by  the  broad  rays  of  popularity,  which,  like  the  sun,  can 
"  breed  maggots  in  a  dead  dog." 

TIMOTHY  DABBLE  was  a  young  man  of  very  promising  talents  ; 
for  he  wrote  a  fair  hand,  and  had  thrice  won  the  silver  medal  at  a 
country  academy : — he  was  also  an  orator,  for  he  talked  with  em 
phatic  volubility,  and  could  argue  a  full  hour,  without  taking 
either  side,  or  advancing  a  single  opinion  ; — he  had  still  further 
requisites  for  eloquence ; — for  he  made  very  handsome  gestures, 
had  dimples  in  his  cheeks  when  he  smiled,  and  enunciated  most 
harmoniously  through  his  nose.  In  short,  nature  had  certainly 
marked  him  out  for  a  great  man  ;  for  though  he  was  not  tall,  yet 
he  added  at  least  half  an  inch  to  his  stature  by  elevating  his  head, 
and  assumed  an  amazing  expression  of  dignity  by  turning  up  his 


180  SALMAGUNDI. 

nose  and  curling  his  nostrils,  in  a  style  of  conscious  superiority. 
Convinced  by  these  unequivocal  appearances,  Babble's  friends,  in 
full  caucus,  one  and  all,  declared  that  he  was  undoubtedly  born 
to  be  a  great  man,  and  it  would  be  his  own  fault  if  ho  were  not 
one.  Dabble  was  tickled  with  an  opinion  which  coincided  so 
happily  with  his  own, — for  vanity,  in  a  confidential  whisper,  had 
given  him  the  like  intimation  ; — and  he  reverenced  the  judgment 
of  his  friends  because  they  thought  so  highly  of  himself; — accord 
ingly  he  set  out  with  a  determination  to  become  a  great  man,  and 
to  start  in  the  scrub-race  for  honor  and  renown.  How  to  attain 
the  desired  prizes  was  however  the  question.  He  knew  by  a  kind 
of  instinctive  feeling,  which  seems  peculiar  to  grovelling  minds, 
that  honor,  and  its  better  part — profit,  would  never  seek  him  out ; 
that  they  would  never  knock  at  his  door  and  crave  admittance  ; 
but  must  be  courted,  and  toiled  after,  and  earned.  He  therefore 
strutted  forth  into  the  highways,  the  market-places,  and  the  assem 
blies  of  the  people;  ranted  like  a  true  cockerel  orator  about  virtue, 
and  patriotism,  and  liberty,  and  equality,  and  himself.  Full  many 
a  political  wind-mill  did  he  battle  with;  and  full  many  a  time  did 
he  talk  himself  out  of  breath  and  his  hearers  out  of  patience.  But 
Dabble  found,  to  his  vast  astonishment,  that  there  was  not  a  no 
torious  political  pimp  at  a  ward  meeting  but  could  out-talk  him  ; 
and  what  was  still  more  mortifying,  there  was  not  a  notorious 
political  pimp  but  was  more  noticed  and  caressed  than  himself. 
The  reason  was  simple  enough  ;  while  he  harangued  about  prin 
ciples,  the  others  ranted  about  men ;  where  he  reprobated  a  poli 
tical  error,  they  blasted  a  political  character  ; — they  were,  conse 
quently,  the  most  useful ;  for  the  great  object  of  our  political  dis 
putes  is  not  who  shall  have  the  honor  of  emancipating  the  com 
munity  from  the  leading  strings  of  delusion,  but  who  shall  have 
the  profit  of  holding  the  strings  and  leading  the  community  by  the 
nose. 

Dabble  was  likewise  very  loud  in  his  professions  of  integrity, 
incorruptibility,  and  disinterestedness ;  words  which,  from  being 
filtered  and  refined  through  newspapers  and  election  handbills, 
have  lost  their  original  signification ;  and  in  the  political  dictionary 
are  synonymous  with  empty  pockets,  itching  palms,  and  interested 
ambition.  He,  in  addition  to  all  this,,  declared  that  he  would  sup 
port  none  but  honest  men ;. — but  unluckily  as  but  few  of  these 
offered  themselves  to  be  supported,  Dabble's  services  were  seldom 
required.  He  pledged  himself  never  to  engage  in  party  schemes, 
or  party  politics,  but  to  stand  up  solely  for  the  broad  interests  of 
his  country ; — so  he  stood  alone ;  and  what  is  the  same  thing,  he 
stood  still ;  for,  in  this  country,  he  who  does  not  side  with  either 
party,  is  like  a  body  in  a  vacuum  between  two  planets,  and  must 
for  ever  remain  motionless. 

Dabble  was  immeasurably  surprised  that  a  man  so  honest,  so 
disinterested,  and  so  sagacious  withal, — and  one  too  who  had  the 
good  of  his  country  so  much  at  heart,  should  thus  remain  unno- 


SALMAGUNDI.  181 

ticed  and  unapplauded.  A  little  worldly  advice,  whispered  in  his 
ear  by  a  shrewd  old  politician,  at  once  explained  the  whole  mys 
tery.  "He  who  would  become  great,"  said  he,  "must  serve  an 
apprenticeship  to  greatness  ;  and  rise  by  regular  gradation,  like 
the  master  of  a  vessel,  who  commences  by  being  scrub  and  cabin- 
boy.  He  must  fag  in  the  train  of  great  men,  echo  all  their 
sentiments,  become  then-  toad-eater  and  parasite;  —  laugh  at  all 
their  jokes,  and,  above  all,  endeavor  to  make  them  laugh  ;  if  you 
only  now  and  then  make  a  man  laugh,  your  fortune  is  made. 
Look  but  about  you,  youngster,  and  you  will  not  see  a  single  little 
great  man  of  the  day,  but  has  his  miserable  herd  of  retainers,  who 
yelp  at  his  heels,  come  at  his  whistle,  worry  whoever  he  points 
his  finger  at,  and  think  themselves  fully  rewarded  by  sometimes 
snapping  up  a  crumb  that  falls  from  the  great  man's  table.  Talk 
of  patriotism  and  virtue,  and  incorruptibility  !  —  tut,  man  I  they  are 
the  very  qualities  that  scare  munificence,  and  keep  patronage  at 
a  distance.  You  might  as  well  attempt  to  entice  crows  with  red 
rags  and  gunpowder.  Lay  all  these  scarecrow  virtues  aside,  and 
let  this  be  your  maxim,  that  a  candidate  for  political  eminence  is 
like  a  dried  herring  ;  he  never  becomes  luminous  until  he  is  cor- 
" 


Dabble  caught  with  hungry  avidity  these  congenial  doctrines, 
and  turned  into  his  pre-destined  channel  of  action  with  the  force 
and  rapidity  of  a  stream  which  has  for  a  while  been  restrained 
from  its  natural  course.  He  became  what  nature  had  fitted  him 
to  be  ;  —  his  tone  softened  down  from  arrogant  self-sufficiency,  to 
the  whine  of  fawning  solicitation.  He  mingled  in  the  caucuses 
of  the  sovereign  people;  adapted  his  dress  to  a  similitude  of  dirty 
raggedness  ;  argued  most  logically  with  those  who  were  of  his  own 
opinion  ;  and  slandered,  with  all  the  malice  of  impotence,  exalted 
characters  whose  orbit  he  despaired  ever  to  approach  :  —  just  as 
that  scoundrel  midnight  thief;  the  owl,  hoots  at  the  blessed  light 
of  the  sun,  whose  glorious  lustre  he  dares  never  contemplate. 
He  likewise  applied  himself  to  discharging,  faithfully,  the  honor 
able  duties  of  a  partizan  ;  —  he  poached  about  for  private  slanders, 
arid  ribald  anecdotes;  —  he  folded  handbills;  —  he  even  wrote  one 
or  two  himself,  which  he  carried  about  in  his  pocket  and  read  to 
every  body;  —  he  became  a  secretary  at  ward-meetings,  set  his 
hand  to  divers  resolutions  of  patriotic  import,  and  even  once  went 
so  far  as  to  make  a  speech,  in  which  he  proved  that  patriotism 
was  a  virtue  ;  —  the  reigning  bashaw  a  great  man  ;  —  that  this  was 
a  free  country,  and  he  himself  an  arrant  and  incontestable  buzzard  1 

Dabble  was  now  very  frequent  and  devout  in  his  visits  to  those 
temples  ofpolitics,  popularity,  and  smoke,  the  ward  porter-houses; 
those  true  dens  of  equality  where  all  ranks,  ages,  and  talents,  are 
brought  down  to  the  dead  level  of  rude  familiarity.  'Twas  hero 
his  talents  expanded,  and  his  genius  swelled  up  into  its  proper 
size  :  like  the  loathsome  toad,  which,  shrinking  from  balmy  airs 
and  jocund  sunshine,  finds  his  congenial  home  in  caves  and  dun- 


182  SALMAGUNDI. 

geons,  and  there  nourishes  his  venom,  and  bloats  liis  deformity. 
'Twos  here  he  revelled  with  the  swinish  multitude  in  their 
debauches  on  patriotism  and  porter ;  and  it  became  an  even  chance 
whether  Dabble  would  turn  out  a  great  man  or  a  great  drunkard . 
But  Dabble  in  all  this  kept  steadily  in  his  eye  the  only  deity  he 
ever  worshipped — his  interest.  Having  by  this  familiarity  ingra 
tiated  himself  with  the  mob,  he  became  wonderfully  potent  and 
industrious  at  elections ;  knew  all  the  dens  and  cellars  of  profligacy 
and  intemperance  ;  brought  more  negroes  to  the  polls,  and  knew 
to  a  greater  certainty  where  votes  could  be  bought  for  beer,  than 
any  of  his  contemporaries.  His  exertions  in  the  cause,  his  perse 
vering  industry,  his  degrading  compliance,  his  unresisting  humility, 
his  steadfast  dependence,  at  length  caught  the  attention  of  one  of 
the  leaders  of  the  party  ;  who  was  pleased  to  observe  that  Dabble 
was  a  very  useful  fellow,  who  would  go  all  lengths.  From  that 
moment  his  fortune  was  made ; — he  was  hand  and  glove  with  ora 
tors  and  slang- whangers ;  basked  in  the  sunshine  of  great  men's 
smiles,  and  had  the  honor,  sundry  times,  of  shaking  hands  with 
dignitaries,  and  drinking  out  of  the  same  pot  with  them  at  a  por 
ter-house  I ! 

I  will  not  fatigue  myself  with  tracing  this  caterpillar  in  his 
slimy  progress  from  worm  to  butterfly :  suffice  it  that  Dabble 
bowed  and  bowed,  and  fawned,  and  sneaked,  and  smirked  and 
libelled,  until  one  would  have  thought  perseverance  itself  would 
have  settled  down  into  despair.  There  was  no  knowing  how  long 
he  might  have  lingered  at  a  distance  from  his  hopes,  had  he  not 
luckily  got  tarred  and  feathered  for  some  of  his  electioneering 
manoeuvres  ; — this  was  the  making  of  him  ! — Let  not  my  readers 
stare  ; — tarring  and  feathering  here  is  equal  to  pillory  and  cropped 
ears  in  England;  and  either  of  these  kinds  of  martyrdom  will 
ensure  a  patriot  the  sympathy  and  support  of  his  faction.  His 
partizans,  for  even  he  had  his  partizans,  took  his  case  into  consi 
deration  ; — he  had  been  kicked  and  cuffed,  and  disgraced,  and 
dishonored  in  the  cause; — he  had  licked  the  dust  at  the  feet  of  the 
mob ; — he  was  a  faithful  drudge,  slow  to  anger,  of  invincible 
patience,  of  incessant  assiduity; — a  thorough  going  tool,  who 
could  be  curbed,  and  spurred,  and  directed  at  pleasure ; — in  short, 
he  had  all  the  important  qualifications  for  a  little  great  man,  and 
he  was  accordingly  ushered  into  office  amid  the  acclamations  of 
the  party.  The  leading  men  complimented  his  usefulness,  the  mul 
titude  his  republican  simplicity,  and  the  slang-whangers  vouched 
for  his  patriotism.  Since  his  elevation  he  has  discovered  indubita 
ble  signs  of  having  been  destined  for  a  great  man.  His  nose  has 
acquired  an  additional  elevation  of  several  degrees,  so  that  now 
he  appears  to  have  bidden  adieu  to  this  world  and  to  have  set  his 
thoughts  altogether  on  things  above;  and  he  has  swelled  and 
inflated  himself  to  such  a  degree,  that  his  friends  are  under  appre 
hensions  that  he  will  one  day  or  other  explode  and  blow  up  like 
a  torpedo. 


i   Library* 


NO.  XVI.— THURSDAY, 

STYLE,  AT  BALLSTOX. 


BY   WILLIAM   WIZARD,    ESQ. 

NOTWITHSTANDING  Evergreen  has  never  been  abroad,  nor  had 
his  understanding  enlightened,  or  his  views  enlarged  by  that 
marvellous  sharpener  of  the  wits,  a  salt  water  voyage,  yet  he  is 
tolerably  shrewd,  and  correct,  in  the  limited  sphere  of  his  obser 
vations  ;  and  now  and  then  astounds  me  with  a  right  pithy  re 
mark,  which  would  do  no  discredit  even  to  a  man  who  had  made 
the  grand  tour. 

In  several  late  conversations  at  Cockloft-Hall,  he  has  amused  us 
exceedingly  by  detailing  sundry  particulars  concerning  that  noto 
rious  slaughter-house  of  time,  Ballston  Springs ;  where  he  spent  a 
considerable  part  of  the  last  summer.  The  following  is  a  sum 
mary  of  his  observations. 

Pleasure  has  passed  through  a  variety  of  significations  at 
Ballstoru  It  originally  meant  nothing  more  than  a  relief  from 
pain  and  sickness ;  and  the  patient  who  had  journeyed  many  a 
weary  mile  to  the  Springs,  with  a  heavy  heart  and  emaciated 
form,  called  it  pleasure  when  lie  threw  by  his  crutches,  and 
danced  away  from  them  with  renovated  spirits  and  limbs  jocund 
with  vigor.  In  process  of  time  pleasure  underwent  a  refinement, 
and  appeared  in  the  likeness  of  a  sober  unceremonious  country- 
dance,  to  the  flute  of  an  amateur  or  the  three-stringed  fiddle  of  an 
itinerant  country  musician. — Still  every  thing  bespoke  that  happy 
holiday  which  the  spirits  ever  enjoy,  when  emancipated  from  the 
ehackles  of  formality,  ceremony,  and  modern  politeness  :  things 
went  on  cheerily,  and  Ballston  was  pronounced  a  charming  hum 
drum  careless  place  of  resort,  where  every  one  was  at  his  ease, 
and  might  follow  unmolested  the  bent  of  his  humor — provided  his 
wife  was  not  there ; — when,  lo !  all  on  a  sudden,  Style  made  its 
baneful  appearance  in  the  semblance  of  a  gig  and  tandem,  a  pair 
of  leather  breeches,  a  liveried  footman,  and  a  cockney! — since 
that  fatal  era  pleasure  has  taken  an  entire  new  signification,  and 
at  present  means  nothing  but  STYLE. 

The  worthy,  fashionable,  dashing,  good-for-nothing  people  of 
every  state,  who  had  rather  suffer  the  martyrdom  of  a  crowd  than 
endure  the  monotony  of  their  own  homes,  and  the  stupid  company 


SALMAGUXDI. 

their  own  thoughts,  flock  to  the  Springs ;  not  to  enjoy  the 
pleasures  of  society,  or  benefit  by  the  qualities  of  the  waters,  but 
to  exhibit  their  equipages  and  wardrobes,  and  to  excite  the  ad 
miration,  or  what  is  much  more  satisfactory,  the  envy  of  their 
fashionable  competitors.  This,  of  course,  awakens  a  spirit  of 
noble  emulation  between  the  eastern,  middle,  and  southern  states ; 
and  every  lady  hereupon  finding  herself  charged  in  a  manner 
with  the  whole  weight  of  her  country's  dignity  and  style,  dresses 
and  dashes,  and  sparkles,  without  mercy,  at  her  competitors  from 
other  parts  of  the  union.  This  kind  of  rivalship  naturally  requires 
a  vast  deal  of  preparation  and  prodigious  quantities  of  supplies. 
A  sober  citizen's  wife  will  break  half  a  dozen  milliners'  shops, 
and  sometimes  starve  her  family  a  whole  season,  to  enable  her 
self  to  make  the  Springs  campaign  in  style. — She  repairs  to  the 
seat  of  war  with  a  mighty  force  of  trunks  and  band-boxes,  like  so 
many  ammunition  chests,  filled  with  caps,  hats,  gowns,  ribands, 
shawls,  and  all  the  various  artillery  of  fashionable  warfare.  The 
lady  of  a  southern  planter  will  lay  out  the  whole  annual  produce 
of  a  rice  plantation  in  silver  and  gold  muslins,  lace  veils,  and  new 
liveries ;  carry  a  hogshead  of  tobacco  on  her  head,  and  trail  a  bale 
of  sea  island  cotton  at  her  heels ;  while  a  lady  of  Boston  or  Salem 
will  wrap  herself  up  in  the  net  proceeds  of  a  cargo  of  whale  oil, 
and  tie  on  her  hat  with  a  quintal  of  codfish. 

The  planters'  ladies,  however,  have  generally  the  advantage  in 
this  contest;  for,  as  it  is  an  incontestable  fact,  that  whoever 
comes  from  the  West  or  East  Indies,  or  Georgia,  or  the  Carolinas, 
or  in  fact  any  warm  climate,  is  immensely  rich,  it  cannot  be  ex 
pected  that  a  simple  cit  of  the  north  can  cope  with  them  in  style. 
The  planter,  therefore,  who  drives  four  horses  abroad,  and  a 
thousand  negroes  at  home,  and  who  flourishes  up  to  the  Springs, 
followed  by  half  a  score  of  black-a-moors,  in  gorgeous  liveries,  is 
unquestionably  superior  to  the  northern  merchant,  who  plods  on 
in  a  carriage  and  pair ;  which  being  nothing  more  than  is  quite 
necessary,  has  no  claim  whatever  to  style.  He,  however,  has  his 
consolation  in  feeling  superior  to  the  honest  cit,  who  dashes 
about  in  a  simple  gig  : — he,  in  return,  sneers  at  the  country 
squire,  who  jogs  along  with  his  scrubby  long-eared  poney  and 
saddle-bags ;  and  the  squire,  by  way  of  taking  satisfaction,  would 
make  no  scruple  to  run  over  the  unobtrusive  pedestrian,  were  it 
not  that  the  last,  being  the  most  independent  of  the  whole,  might 
chance  to  break  his  head  by  way  of  retort. 

The  great  misfortune  is,  that  this  style  is  supported  at  such  an 
expense  as  sometimes  to  encroach  on  the  rights  and  privileges  of 
the  pocket ;  and  occasion  very  awkward  embarrassments  to  the 
tyro  of  fashion.  Among  a  number  of  instances,  Evergreen  men 
tions  the  fate  of  a  dashing  blade  from  the  south,  who  made  his 
entree  with  a  tandem  and  two  outriders,  by  the  aid  of  which  ho 
attracted  the  attention  of  all  the  ladies,  and  caused  a  coolness 
between  several  young  couple  who,  it  was  thought  before  his  arri- 


SALMAGUNDI.  ^C*?^ 

val,  had  a  considerable  kindness  for  each  other.  In  the  course  of 
a  fortnight  his  tandem  disappeared ! — the  class  of  good  folk  who 
seem  to  have  nothing  to  do  in  this  world  but  pry  into  other  peo 
ple's  affairs, — began  to  stare  ! — in  a  little  time  longer  an  outrider 
was  missing ! — this  increased  the  alarm,  and  it  was  consequently 
whispered  that  he  had  eaten  the  horses  and  drank  the  negro. 
N.  B.  Southern  gentlemen  are  very  apt  to  do  this  on  an  emer 
gency.  Serious  apprehensions  were  entertained  about  the  fate  of 
the  remaining  servant,  which  were  soon  verified  by  his  actually 
vanishing  ;  and  in  "  one  little  month  "  the  dashing  Carolinian  mo 
destly  took  his  departure  in  the  stage-coach  ! — universally 
regretted  by  the  friends  who  had  generously  released  him  from 
his  cumbrous  load  of  style. 

Evergreen,  in  the  course  of  his  detail,  gave  very  melancholy 
accounts  of  an  alarming  famine  which  raged  with  great  violence 
at  the  Springs.  Whether  this  was  owing  to  the  incredible  appe 
tites  of  the  company,  or  the  scarcity  which  prevailed  at  the  inns, 
he  did  not  seem  inclined  to  say ;  but  he  declares,  that  he  was  for 
several  days  in  imminent  danger  of  starvation,  owing  to  his  being 
a  little  too  dilatory  in  his  attendance  at  the  dinner  table.  He 
relates  a  number  of  "  moving  accidents,"  which  befel  many  of  the 
polite  company  in  their  zeal  to  get  a  good  seat  at  dinner ;  on  which 
occasion  a  kind  of  scrub-race  always  took  place,  wherein  a  vast 
deal  of  jockeying  and  unfair  play  was  sho\vn,  and  a  variety  of 
squabbles  and  unseemly  altercations  occurred.  But  when  arrived 
at  the  scene  of  action,  it  was  truly  an  awful  sight  to  behold  the 
confusion,  and  to  hear  the  tumultuous  uproar,  of  voices  crying 
some  for  one  thing,  and  some  for  another,  to  the  tuneful  accom 
paniment  of  knives  and  forks ;  rattling  with  all  the  energy  of 
hungty  impatience.  The  feast  of  the  Centaurs  and  the  Lapith;e 
was  nothing  when  compared  with  a  dinner  at  the  great  house. 
At  one  time,  an  old  gentleman,  whose  natural  irascibility  was  a 
little  sharpened  by  the  gout,  had  scalded  his  throat,  by  gobbling 
down  a  bowl  of  hot  soup  in  a  vast  hurry,  in  order  to  secure  the 
lirst  fruits  of  a  roasted  partridge  before  it  was  snapped  up  by  some 
hungry  rival ;  when,  just  as  he  was  whetting  his  knife  and  fork, 
preparatory  for  a  descent  on  the  promised  land,  he  had  the  morti 
fication  to  see  it  transferred,  bodily,  to  the  plate  of  a  squeamish 
little  damsel  who  was  taking  the  waters  for  debility  and  loss  of 
appetite.  This  was  too  much  for  the  patience  of  old  Crusty ;  he 
lodged  his  fork  into  the  partridge,  whipt  it  into  Ins  dish,  and  cut 
ting  off  a  wing  of  it, — "  There,  Miss,  there's  more  than  you  can 
eat.  Oons !  what  should  such  a  little  chalky-faced  puppet  as  you 
do  with  a  whole  partridge!"  At  another  time  a  mighty  sweet 
disposed  old  dowager,  who  loomed  most  magnificently  at  the  table, 
had  a  sauce-boat  launched  upon  the  capacious  lap  of  a  silver  sprig 
ged  muslin  gown,  by  the  manoeuvring  of  a  little  politic  Frencli- 
man.  who  was  dexterously  attempting  to  make  a  lodgment  under 
the  covered  way  of  a  chicken- pie; — human  nature  could  not  bear 


186  SALMAGUNDI. 

it ! — the  lady  bounced  round,  and,  with  one  box  on  the  ear,  drove 
the  luckless  wight  to  utter  annihilation. 

But  these  little  cross  accidents  are  amply  compensated  by  the 
great  variety  of  amusements  which  abounds  at  this  charming  resort 
of  beauty  and  fashion.  In  the  morning  the  company,  each  like  a 
jolly  Bacchanalian,  with  glass  in  hand,  sally  forth  to  the  Springs : 
where  the  gentlemen,  who  wish  to  make  themselves  agreeable, 
have  an  opportunity  of  dipping  themselves  into  the  good  opinion 
of  the  ladies :  and  it  is  truly  delectable  to  see  with  what  grace  and 
adroitness  they  perform  this  ingratiating  feat.  Anthony  says  that 
it  is  peculiarly  amazing  to  behold  the  quantity  of  water  the  ladies 
drink  on  this  occasion,  for  the  purpose  of  getting  an  appetite  for 
breakfast.  He  assures  me  he  has  been  present  when  a  young 
lady,  of  unparalleled  delicacy,  tossed  off,  in  the  space  of  a  minute 
or  two,  one  and  twenty  tumblers  and  a  wine-glass  full.  On  my 
asking  Anthony  whether  the  solicitude  of  the  by-standers  was  not 
greatly  awakened  as  to  what  might  be  the  effects  of  this  debauch, 
he  replied,  that  the  ladies  at  Ballston  had  become  such  great  stick 
lers  for  the  doctrine  of  evaporation,  that  no  gentleman  ever 
ventured  to  remonstrate  against  this  excessive  drinking  for  fear 
of  bringing  his  philosophy  into  contempt.  The  most  notorious 
water-drinkers,  in  particular,  were  continually  holding  forth  on  the 
surprising  aptitude  with  which  the  Ballston  waters  evaporated ; 
and  several  gentlemen,  who  had  the  hardihood  to  question  this 
female  philosophy,  were  held  in  high  displeasure. 

After  breakfast,  every  one  chooses  his  amusement ; — some  take 
a  ride  into  the  pine  woods,  and  enjoy  the  varied  and  romantic 
scenery  of  burnt  trees,  post  and  rail  fences,  pine  flats,  potatoe 
patches,  and  log  huts ; — others  scramble  up  the  surrounding  sand 
hills,  that  look  like  the  abodes  of  a  gigantic  race  of  ants ; — take 
a  peep  at  other  sand-hills  beyond  them  ; — and  then — come  down 
again :  others  who  are  romantic,  and  sundry  young  ladies  insist 
upon  being  so  whenever  they  visit  the  Springs,  or  go  any  where 
into  the  country,  stroll  along  the  borders  of  a  little  swampy  brook 
that  drags  itself  along  like  an  Alexandrine ;  and  that  so  lazily  as 
not  to  make  a  single  murmur; — watching  the  little  tadpoles  as 
they  frolic,  right  flippantly,  in  the  muddy  stream :  and  listening 
to  the  inspiring  melody  of  the  harmonious  frogs  that  croak  upon 
its  borders.  Some  play  at  billiards,  some  play  at  the  fiddle,  and 
some — play  the  fool; — the  latter  being  the  most  prevalent  amuse 
ment  at  Balloon. 

These,  together  with  abundance  of  dancing,  and  a  prodigious 
deal  of  sleeping  of  afternoons,  make  up  the  variety  of  pleasures  at 
the  Springs ; — a  delicious  life  of  alternate  lassitude  and  fatigue ; 
of  laborious  dissipation,  and  listless  idleness ;  of  sleepless  nights, 
and  days  spent  in  that  dozing  insensibility  which  ever  succeeds 
them.  Now  and  then,  indeed,  the.  influenza,  the  fever-and-ague, 
or  some  such  pale-faced  intruder,  may  happen  to  throw  a  momen 
tary  damp  on  the  general  felicity ;  but  on  the  whole,  Evergreen 


SALMAGUNDI.  187 

declares  that  Ballston  wants  only  six  things ;  to  wit.  good  air,  good 
wine,  good  living,  good  beds,  good  company,  and  good  humor,  to 
be  the  most  enchanting  place  in  the  world ; excepting  Botany- 
bay,  Musquito  Cove,  Dismal  Swamp,  and  the  Black-hole  at  Cal 
cutta. 


THE  following  letter  from  the  sage  Mustapha  has  cost  us  more 
trouble  to  decypher,  and  render  into  tolerable  English,  than  any 
hitherto  published.  It  was  full  of  blots  and  erasures,  particularly 
the  latter  part,  which  we  have  no  doubt  was  penned  in  a  moment 
of  great  wrath  and  indignation.  Mustapha  has  often  a  rambling 
mode  of  writing,  and  his  thoughts  take  such  unaccountable  turns, 
that  it  is  difficult  to  tell  one  moment  where  he  will  lead  you  the 
next.  This  is  particularly  obvious  in  the  commencement  of  his  let 
ters,  which  seldom  bear  much  analogy  to  the  subsequent  parts; 
— he  sets  off  with  a  flourish,  like  a  dramatic  hero, — assumes  an 
air  of  great  pomposity,  and  struts  up  to  his  subject  mounted  most 
loftily  on  stilts. 

L.   LANGSTAFP. 


LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELT  KHAN, 
TO  ASEM  HACCHEM,  PRINCIPAL  SLAVE-DRIVER  TO 
HIS  HIGHNESS  THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

AMONG  the  variety  of  principles  by  which  mankind  are 
actuated,  there  is  one,  my  dear  Asem,  which  I  scarcely  know 
whether  to  consider  as  springing  from  grandeur  and  nobility  of 
mind,  or  from  a  refined  species  of  vanity  and  egotism.  It  is  that 
singular,  although  almost  universal,  desire  of  living  in  the  memory 
of  posterity ;  of  occupying  a  share  of  the  world's  attention,  when 
we  shall  long  since  have  ceased  to  be  susceptible  either  of  its 
praise  or  censure.  Most  of  the  passions  of  the  mind  are  bounded 
by  the  grave ; — sometimes,  indeed,  an  anxious  hope  or  trembling 
fear  will  venture  beyond  the  clouds  and  darkness  that  rest  upon 
our  mortal  horizon,  and  expatiate  in  boundless  futurity ;  but  it  is 
only  this  active  love  of  fame  which  steadily  contemplates  its  frui 
tion,  in  the  applause  or  gratitude  of  future  ages.  Indignant  at 
the  narrow  limits  which  circumscribe  existence,  ambition  is  for 
ever  struggling  to  soar  beyond  them ;  to  triumph  over  space  and 
time,  and  to  bear  a  name,  at  least,  above  the  inevitable  oblivion 


188  SALMAGUNDI. 

in  which  every  thing  else  that  concerns  us  must  be  involved.  It 
is  this,  my  friend,  which  prompts  the  patriot  to  his  most  heroic 
achievements ;  which  inspires  the  sublimest  strains  of  the  poet, 
and  breathes  ethereal  fire  into  the  productions  of  the  painter  and 
the  statuary. 

For  this  the  monarch  rears  the  lofty  column ;  the  laurelled  con 
queror  claims  the  triumphal  arch ;  while  the  obscure  individual, 
who  moved  in  an  humbler  sphere,  asks  but  a  plain  and  simple 
stone  to  mark  his  grave,  and  bear  to  the  next  generation  this  im 
portant  truth,  that  he  was  born,  died — and  was  buried.  It  was 
this  passion  which  once  erected  the  vast  Numidian  piles,  whose 
ruins  we  have  so  often  regarded  with  wonder,  as  the  shades  of 
evening — fit  emblems  of  oblivion, — gradually  stole  over  and  en 
veloped  them  in  darkness. — It  was  this  which  gave  being  to  those 
sublime  momiments  of  Saracen  magnificence,  which  nod  in  moul 
dering  desolation,  as  the  blast  sweeps  over  our  deserted  plains. 

How  futile  are  all  our  efforts  to  evade  the  obliterating  hand 

of  time  I  As  I  traversed  the  dreary  wastes  of  Egypt,  on  my 
journey  to  Grand  Cairo,  I  stopped  my  camel  for  a  while,  and 
contemplated,  in  awful  admiration,  the  stupendous  pyramids. — An 
appalling  silence  prevailed  around ;  such  as  reigns  in  the  wilder 
ness  when  the  tempest  is  hushed,  and  the  beasts  of  prey  have  re 
tired  to  their  dens.  The  myriads  that  had  once  been  employed  in 
rearing  these  lofty  mementoes  of  human  vanity,  whose  busy  hum 
once  enlivened  the  solitude  of  the  desert, — had  all  been  swept 
from  the  earth  by  the  irresistible  arm  of  death  : — all  were  mingled 
with  their  native  dust ;  all  were  forgotten ! — Even  the  mighty 
names  which  these  sepulchres  were  designed  to  perpetuate  had 
long  since  faded  from  remembrance ;  history  and  tradition 
afforded  but  vague  conjectures,  and  the  pyramids  imparted  a  hu 
miliating  lesson  to  the  candidate  for  immortality. Alas  !  alas ! 

said  I  to  myself,  how  mutable  are  the  foundations  on  which  our 
proudest  hopes  of  future  fame  are  reposed  1  He  who  imagines  he 
has  secured  to  himself  the  meed  of  deathless  renown,  indulges  in 
deluding  visions,  which  only  bespeak  the  vanity  of  the  dreamer. 
The  storied  obelisk, — the  triumphal  arch — the  swelling  dome, 
shall  crumble  into  dust,  and  the  names  they  would  preserve  from 
oblivion  shall  often  pass  away,  before  their  own  duration  is 
accomplished. 

Yet  this  passion  for  fame,  however  ridiculous  in  the  eye  of  the 
philosopher,  deserves  respect  and  consideration,  from  having  been 
the  source  of  so  many  illustrious  actions ;  and,  hence  it  has  been 
the  practice  in  all  enlightened  governments  to  perpetuate  by 
monuments,  the  memory  of  great  men,  as  a  testimony  of  respect  for 
the  illustrious  dead,  and  to  awaken  in  the  bosoms  of  posterity  an 
emulation  to  merit  the  same  honorable  distinction.  The  people 
of  the  American  logocracy,  who  pride  themselves  upon  improving 
on  every  precept  or  example  of  ancient  or  modern  governments, 
have  discovered  a  new  mode  of  exciting  this  love  of  glory;  a 


SALMAGUXDI.  189 

mode  by  which  they  do  honor  to  their  great  men,  even  in  their 
life-time  I 

Thou  must  have  observed  by  this  time,  that  they  manage 
every  thing  in  a  manner  peculiar  to  themselves ;  and  doubtless  in 
the  best  possible  manner,  seeing  they  have  denominated  them 
selves  "  the  most  enlightened  people  under  the  sun."  Thou  wilt 
therefore,  perhaps,  be  curious  to  know  how  they  contrive  to 
honor  the  name  of  a  living  patriot,  and  what  unheard-of  monu 
ment  they  erect  in  memory  of  his  achievements. — By  the  fiery 
beard  of  the  mighty  Barbarossa,  but  I  can  scarcely  preserve  the 
sobriety  of  a  true  disciple  of  Mahomet  while  I  tell  thee! — wilt 
thou  not  smile,  oh,  Mussulman  of  invincible  gravity,  to  learn  that 
they  honor  their  great  men  by  eating,  and  that  the  only  trophy 
erected  to  their'  exploits,. '  .ia.-a_p.ui)lia.... dinner !  But,uust  me, 
Asem.  even  in  this  measure,  whimsical  as  it  may  seem,  the  phi 
losophic  and  considerate  spirit  of  this  people  is  admirably 
displayed.  "Wisely  concluding,  that  when  the  hero  is  dead,  he 
becomes  insensible  to  the  voice  of  fame,  the  song  of  adulation,  or 
the  splendid  trophy,  they  have  determined  that  he  shall  enjoy  his 
quantum  of  celebrity  while  living,  and  revel  in  the  full  enjoyment 
of  a  nine  days'  immortality.  The  barbarous  nations  of  antiquity 
immolated  human  victims  to  the  memory  of  their  lamented  dead, 
but  the  enlightened  Americans  offer  up  whole  hecatombs  of  geese 
and  calves,  and  oceans  of  wine,  in  honor  of  the  illustrious  living ; 
arid  the  patriot  has  the  felicity  of  hearing  from  every  quarter,  the 
vast  exploits  in  gluttony  and  revelling  that  have  been  celebrated 
to  the  glory  of  his  name. 

No  sooner  does  a  citizen  signalize  himself  in  a  conspicuous 
manner  in  the  service  of  his  country,  than  all  the  gormandizers 
assemble  and  discharge  the  national  debt  of  gratitude — by  giving 
him  a  dinner ; — not  that  he  really  receives  all  the  luxuries  pro 
vided  on  this  occasion ;  no,  my  friend,  it  is  ten  chances  to  one 
that  the  great  man  does  not  taste  a  morsel  from  the  table,  and  is, 
perhaps,  five  hundred  miles  distant ;  and,  to  let  thee  into  a  melan 
choly  fact,  a  patriot  under  this  economic  government,  may  be  often 
in  want  of  a  dinner,  while  dozens  are  devoured  in  his  praise. 
Neither  are  these  repasts  spread  out  for  the  hungry  and  necessitous, 
who  might  otherwise  be  filled  with  food  and  gladness,  and 
inspired  to  shout  forth  the  illustrious  name,  which  had  been  the 
means  of  their  enjoyment; — far  from  this,  Asem;  it  is  the  rich 
only  who  indulge  in  the  banquet ; — those  who  pay  for  the  dain 
ties  are  alone  privileged  to  enjoy  them ;  so  that,  while  opening 
their  purses  in  honor  of  the  patriot,  they  at  the  same  time  fulfil 
a  great  maxim,  which  in  this  country  comprehends  all  the  rules 
of  prudence,  and  all  the  duties  a  man  owes  to  himself; — namely, 
getting  the  worth  of  their  money. 

In  process  of  time  this  mode  of  testifying  pubh'c  applause  has 
been  found  so  marvellously  agreeable,  that  they  extend  it  to 
events  as  well  as  characters,  and  eat  in  triumph  at  the  news  of  a 


190  SALMAGUNDI. 

treaty, — at  the  anniversar}*  of  any  grand  national  era,  or  at  the 
gaining  of  that  splendid  victory  of  the  tongue — an  election. — 
Nay,  so  far  do  they  carry  it,  that  certain  days  are  set  apart  when 
the  guzzlers,  the  gormandizers,  and  the  wine  bibbers  meet 
together  to  celebrate  a  grand  indigestion,  in  memory  of  some 
great  event ;  and  every  man  in  the  zeal  of  patriotism  gets  devoutly 
drunk — "  as  the  act  directs." — Then,  my  friend,  mayest  thou  be 
hold  the  sublime  spectacle  of  love  of  country,  elevating  itself  from 
a  sentiment  into  an  appetite,  whetted  to  the  quick  with  the 
cheering  prospect  of  tables  loaded  with  the  fat  things  of  the 
land.  On  this  occasion  every  man  is  anxious  to  fall  to  work, 
cram  himself  in  honor  of  the  day,  and  risk  a  surfeit  in  the 
glorious  cause.  Some,  I  have  been  told,  actually  fast  for  four 
and  twenty  hours  preceding,  that  they  may  be  enabled  to  do 
greater  honor  to  the  feast ;  and,  certainly,  if  eating  and  drinking 
are  patriotic  rites,  he  who  eats  and  drinks  most,  and  proves  him 
self  the  greatest  glutton,  is,  undoubtedly,  the  most  distinguished 
patriot.  Such,  at  any  rate,  seems  to  be  the  opinion  here ;  and  they 
act  up  to  it  so  rigidty.  that  by  the  time  it  is  dark,  every  kennel  in 
the  neighborhood  teems  with  illustrious  members  of  the  sovereign 
people,  wallowing  in  their  congenial  element  of  mud  and  mire. 

These  patriotic  toasts,  or  rather  national  monuments,  are  pa 
tronized  and  pTUinuleil  bji  'euUilli  interior  cadis,  (JHllUd  ALDER 
MEN,  who  are  commonly  complimented  with  their  direction. 
These  dignitaries,  as  far  as  I  can  learn,  are  generally  appointed 
on  account  of  their  great  talents  for  eating,  a  qualification  pecu 
liarly  necessary  in  the  discharge  of  their  official  duties.  They 
hold  frequent  meetings  at  taverns  and  hotels,  where  they  enter 
into  solemn  consultations  for  the  benefit  of  lobsters  and  turtles ; 
— establish  wholesome  regulations  for  the  safety  and  preservation 
of  fish  and  wild-fowl ; — appoint  the  seasons  most  proper  for  eating 
oysters ; — inquire  into  the  economy  of  taverns,  the  characters  of 
publicans,  and  the  abilities  of  their  cooks ;  and  discuss,  most 
learnedly,  the  merits  of  a  bowl  of  soup,  a  chicken-pie,  or  a  haunch 
of  venison ;  in  a  word,  the  alderman  has  absolute  control  in  all 
matters  of  eating,  and  superintends  the  whole  police — of  the  belly. 
Having,  in  the  prosecution  of  their  important  office,  signalised 
themselves  at  so  many  public  festivals ;  having  gorged  so  often 
on  patriotism  and  pudding,  and  entombed  so  many  great  names 
in  their  extensive  maws,  thou  wilt  easily  conceive  that  they  wax 
portly  apace,  that  they  fatten  on  the  fame  of  mighty  men,  and 
that  their  rotundity,  like  the  rivers,  the  lakes,  and  the  mountains 
of  their  country,  must  be  on  a  great  scale !  Even  so,  my  friend ; 
and  when  I  sometimes  see  a  portly  alderman  puffing  along,  and 
swelling  as  if  he  had  the  world  under  his  waistcoat,  1  cannot  help 
/looking  upon  him  as  a  walking  monument,  and  am  often  ready  to 
/T  exclaim,  "  Tell  me,  thou  majestic  mortal,  thou  breathing  cata- 
/^Ncoinb!  to  what  illustrious  character,  what  mighty  event,  does 
/  /that  capacious  carcass  of  thine  bear  testimony?" 
" 


SALMAGUNDI.  191 

But  though  the  enlightened  citizens  of  this  logocracy  eat  in 
honor  of  their  friends,  yet  they  drink  destruction  to  their  ene- 
miea~  Yea,  Asem,  woe  unto  tiWHU  W  lio  W'U  llUUHHJu1  lo  undergo ' 
"thepublic  vengeance  at  a  public  dinner.  No  sooner  are  the 
viands  removed,  than  they  prepare  for  merciless  and  exterminat 
ing  hostilities.  They  drink  the  intoxicating  juice  of  the  grape, 
out  of  little  glass  cups,  and  Q££i  each  draught  pronounce  a  ahorj 
sentence  or,..piay£r ;  not  such  a  prayer  as  thy  virtuous  heart 
would  dictate,  thy  pious  lips  give  utterance  to,  my  good  Asem ; 
not  a  tribute  of  thanks  to  all-bountiful  Allah,  nor  a  humble  sup 
plication  for  his  blessing  on  the  draught ;  no,  my  friend,  it  is 
merely  a  toast,  that  is  to  say,  a  fulsome  tribute  of  flattery  to  their 
demagogues;  a  labored  sally  of  affected  sentiment  or  national 
egotism ;  or,  what  is  more  despicable,  a  malediction  on  their  ene 
mies,  an  empty  threat  of  vengeance,  or  a  petition  for  their  de 
struction;  for  toasts,  thou  must  know,  are  another  kind  of  missive 
weapon  in  a  logocracy,  and  are  levelled  from  afar,  like  the  annoy 
ing  arrows  of  the  Tartars. 

Oh,  Aseml  couldst  thou  but  witness  one  of  these  patriotic, 
these  monumental  dinners  ;  how  furiously  the  flame  of  patriotism 
blazes  forth;  how  suddenly  they  vanquish  armies,  subjugate 
whole  countries,  and  exterminate  nations  in  a  bumper,  thou 
wouldst  more  than  ever  admire  the  force  of  that  omnipotent  wea 
pon  the  tongue.  At  these  moments  every  coward  becomes  a 
hero,  every  ragamuffin  an  invincible  warrior ;  and  the  most  zeal 
ous  votaries  of  peace  and  quiet,  forget,  for  a  while,  their  cherished 
maxims,  and  join  in  the  furious  attack.  Toast  succeeds  toast; 
kings,  emperors,  bashaws,  are  like  chaff  before  the  tempest ;  the 
inspired  patriot  vanquishes  fleets  with  a  single  gunboat,  and 
swallows  down  navies  at  a  draught,  until,  overpowered  with  vic 
tory  and  wine,  he  sinks  upon  the  field  of  battle — dead  drunk  in 
his  country's  cause.  Sword  of  the  puissant  Khalid  !  what  a  dis 
play  of  valor  is  here ! — the  sous  of  Afric  are  hardy,  brave,  and 
enterprising,  but  they  can  achieve  nothing  like  this. 

Happy  would  it  be  if  this  mania  for  toasting,  extended  no  fur 
ther  than  to  the  expression  of  national  resentment.  Though  we 
might  smile  at  the  impotent  vaporing  and  windy  hyperbole,  by 
which  it  is  distinguished,  yet  we  would  excuse  it,  as  the  un 
guarded  -overflowings  of  a  heart,  glowing  with  national  injuries. 
and  indignant  at  the  insults  offered  to  its  country.  But,  alas,  my 
friend,  private  resentment,  individual  hatred,  and  the  illiberal 
spirit  of  party,  are  let  loose  on  these  festive  occasions.  Even  the 
names  of  individuals,  of  unoffending  fellow-citi/.ens,  are  sometimes 
dragged  forth  to  undergo  the  slanders  and  execrations  of  a  dis 
tempered  herd  of  revellers.*  Head  of  Mahomet  I  how  vindictive, 

NOTE   BY   WILLIAM    WIZARD,    ESQ. 

*  It  would  seem  that,  in  this  sentence,  the  sage  Mustapha  had  reference 
to  a  patriotic  dinner,  celebrated  last  4th  of  July,  by  some  gentlemen  of  Bal 


192  SALMAGUNDI. 

how  insatiably  vindictive,  must  be  that  spirit  which  can  drug  the 
mantling  bowl  with  gall  and  bitterness,  and  indulge  an  angry 
passion  in  the  moment  of  rejoicing!  "Wine,"  says  their  poet, 
"is  like  sunshine  to  the  heart,  which,  under  its  generous  influ 
ence,  expands  with  good  will,  and  becomes  the  very  temple  of 
philanthropy."  Strange,  that  in  a  temple  consecrated  to  such  a 
divinity,  there  should  remain  a  secret  corner,  polluted  by  the 
lurkings  of  malice  and  revenge, — strange,  that  in  the  full  flow  of 
social  enjoyment,  these  votaries  of  pleasure  can  turn  aside  to  call 
down  curses  on  the  head  of  a  fellow-creature.  Despicable  souls  I 
ye  are  unworthy  of  being  citizens  of  this  "  most  enlightened  coun 
try  under  the  sun:" — rather  herd  with  the  murderous  savages 
who  prowl  the  mountains  of  Tibesti;  who  stain  their  midnight 
orgies  with  the  blood  of  the  innocent  wanderer,  and  drink  their 
infernal  potations  from  the  skulls  of  the  victims  they  have  mas 
sacred. 

And  yet,  trust  me,  Asem,  this  spirit  of  vindictive  cowardice  is 
not  owing  to  any  inherent  depravity  of  soul,  for,  on  other  occa 
sions,  I  have  had  ample  proof  that  this  nation  is  mild  and  merciful, 
brave  and  magnanimous;  neither  is  it  owing  to  any  defect  in 
their  political  or  religious  precepts.  The  principles  inculcated  by 
their  rulers,  on  all  occasions,  breathe  a  spirit  of  universal  philan 
thropy;  and  as  to  their  religion,  much  as  I  am  devoted  to  the 
Koran  of  our  divine  prophet,  still  I  cannot  but  acknowledge  with 
admiration  the  mild  forbearance,  the  amiable  benevolence,  the 
sublime  morality  bequeathed  them  by  the  founder  of  their  i'aith. 
Thou  rernemberest  the  doctrines  of  the  mild  Nazarine,  who 
preached  peace  and  good  will  to  all  mankind ;  who,  when  he  was 
reviled,  reviled  riot  again ;  who  blessed  those  who  -cursed  him, 
and  prayed  for  those  who  despitefully  used  and  persecuted  him  I 
What,  then,  can  give  rise  to  this  uncharitable,  this  inhuman  cus 
tom  among  the  disciples  of  a  master  so  gentle  and  forgiving?  It 
is  that  fiend  POLITICS,  Asem — that  baneful  fiend,  w'ich  bewilder- 
etli  every  brain,  an<T poisons  every  social  feeling ;  which  intrudes 
itself  at  the  festive  banquet,  and,  like  the  detestable  harpy,  pol 
lutes  the  very  viands  of  the  table;  which  contaminates  the 
refreshing  draught  while  it  is  inhaled ;  which  prompts  the  cow 
ardly  assassin  to  launch  his  poisoned  arrows  from  behind  the 
social  board:  and  which  renders  the  bottle,  that  boasted  pro 
moter  of  good  fellowship  and  hilarity,  an  infernal  engine,  charged 
with  direful  combustion. 


timore,  when  they  righteously  drank  perdition  to  an  unoffending  indivi 
dual,  and  really  thought  "they  had  done  the  state  some  service."  This 
amiable  custom  of  "  eating  and  drinking  damnation"  to  others,  is  not  con 
fined  to  any  party: — for  *  month  or  two  after  the  4th  of  July,  the  different 
newspapers  file  off  their  columns  of  patriotic  toasts  against  each  other,  and 
take  a  pride  in  showing  how  brilliantly  their  partizans  can  blackguard  pub 
lic  characters  in  their  cups — "they  do  but  jest — poison  in  jest,"  as  llainU-t 
eiys. 


SALMAGUNDI  ]  IKi 

Oh,  Asem !  Asem !  how  does  my  heart  sicken  when  I  contem 
plate  these  cowardly  barbarities?  let  me,  therefore,  if  possible, 
withdraw  my  attention  from  them  for  ever.  My  feelings  have 
borne  me  from  my  subject ;  and  from  the  monuments  of  ancient 
greatness,  I  have  wandered  to  those  of  modern  degradation.  My 
warmest  wishes  remain  with  thee,  thou  most  illustrious  of  slave- 
drivers  ;  mayest  thou  ever  be  sensible  of  the  mercies  of  our  great 
prophet,  who,  in  compassion  to  human  imbecility,  has  prohibited 
his  disciples  from  the  use  of  the  deluding  beverage  of  the  grape ; 
that  enemy  to  reason — that  promoter  of  defamation — that  auxi 
liary  of  POLITICS, 

Ever  thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 

13 


194  SALMAGUNDI. 


No.  XVIL— WEDNESDAY,  NOV.  11,  1807. 
AUTUMNAL  KEFLECTIONS. 

BY  LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,  ESQ. 

"WHEN  a  man  is  quietly  journeying  downwards  into  the  valley 
of  the  shadow  of  departed  youth,  and  begins  to  contemplate  in  a 
shortened  perspective,  the  end  of  his  pilgrimage,  he  becomes  more 
solicitous  than  ever  that  the  remainder  of  his  wayfaring  should  be 
smooth  and  pleasant ;  and  the  evening  of  his  life,  like  the  even 
ing  of  a  summer's  day,  fade  away  in  mild  uninterrupted  serenity. 
If  haply  his  heart  has  escaped  uninjured  through  the  dangers  of 
a  seductive  world,  it  may  then  administer  to  the  purest  of  his 
felicities,  and  its  chords  vibrate  more  musically  for  the  trials  they 
have  sustained ; — like  the  viol  which  yields  a  melody  sweet  in 
proportion  to  its  age. 

To  a  mind  thus  temperately  harmonized,  thus  matured  and 
mellowed  by  a  long  lapse  of  years,  there  is  something  truly  con 
genial  in  the  quiet  enjoyment  of  our  early  autumn,  amid  the  tran 
quillities  of  the  country.  There  is  a  sober  and  chastened  air  of 
gayety  diffused  over  the  face  of  nature,  peculiarly  interesting  to 
an  old  man ;  and  when  he  views  the  surrounding  landscape 
withering  under  his  eye,  it  seems  as  if  he  and  nature  were  taking 
a  last  farewell  of  each  other,  and  parting  with  a  melancholy  smile  ; 
like  a  couple  of  old  friends,  who  having  sported  away  the  spring 
and  summer  of  life  together,  pan  at  the  approach  of  winter  with 
a  kind  of  prophetic  fear  that  they  are  never  to  meet  again. 

It  is  either  my  good  fortune,  or  mishap,  to  be  keenly  suscepti 
ble  to  the  influence  of  the  atmosphere ;  and  I  can  feel  in  the 
morning,  before  I  open  my  window,  whether  the  wind  is  easterly. 
It  will  not  therefore,  I  presume,  be  considered  an  extravagant 
instance  of  vain  glory  when  I  assert,  that  there  are  few  men  who 
can  discriminate  more  accurately  in  the  different  varieties  of 
damps,  fogs,  Scotch  mists,  and  north-east  storms,  than  myself. 
To  the  great  discredit  of  my  philosophy  I  confess,  I  seldom  fail 
to  anathematise  and  excommunicate  the  weather,  when  it  sports 
too  rudely  with  my  sensitive  system ;  but  then  1  always  er  avor 
to  atone  therefor,  by  eulogizing  it  when  deserving  of  approba 
tion.  And  as  most  of  my  readers — simple  folks !  make  but  one 
distinction,  to  wit,  rain  and  sunshine ;  living  in  most  honest  igno- 


SALMAGUNDI.  195 

ranee  of  the  various  nice  shades  which  distinguish  one  fine  day 
from  another,  I  take  the  trouble,  from  time  to  time,  of  letting 
them  into  some  of  the  secrets  of  nature ;  so  will  they  be  the  better 
enabled  to  enjoy  her  beauties,  with  the  zest  of  connoisseurs,  and 
derive  at  least  as  much  information  from  my  pages  as  from  the 
weather-wise  lore  of  the  almanac. 

Much  of  my  recreation,  since  I  retreated  to  the  Hall,  has  con 
sisted  in  making  little  excursions  through  the  neighborhood; 
which  abounds  in  the  variety  of  wild,  romantic,  and  luxuriant 
landscape  that  generally  characterizes  the  scenery  in  the  vicinity 
of  our  rivers.  There  is  not  an  eminence  within  a  circuit  of  many 
miles  but  commands  an  extensive  range  of  diversified  and  en 
chanting  prospect. 

Often  have  I  rambled  to  the  summit  of  some  favorite  hill ;  and 
thence,  with  feelings  sweetly  tranquil,  as  the  lucid  expanse  of  the 
heavens  that  canopied  me,  have  noted  the  slow  and  almost 
imperceptible  changes  that  mark  the  waning  year.  There  are 
many  features  peculiar  to  our  autumn,  and  which  give  it  an  indi 
vidual  character.  The  "green  and  yellow  melancholy"  that  first 
steals  over  the  landscape ; — the  mild  and  steady  serenity  of  the 
weather,  and  the  transparent  purity  of  the  atmosphere  speak,  not 
merely  to  the  senses,  but  the  heart ; — it  is  the  season  of  liberal 
emotions. — To  this  succeeds  fantastic  gayety,  a  motley  dress, 
which  the  woods  assume,  where  green  and  yellow,  orange,  pur 
ple,  crimson,  and  scarlet,  are  whimsically  blended  together. — A 
sickly  splendor  this ! — like  the  wild  and  broken-hearted  gayety, 
that  sometimes  precedes  dissolution; — or  that  childish  sportive- 
ness  of  superannuated  age,  proceeding,  not  from  a  vigorous  flow 
of  animal  spirits,  but  from  the  decay  and  imbecility  of  the  mind. 
"We  might,  perhaps,  be  deceived  by  this  gaudy  garb  of  nature, 
were  it  not  for  the  rustling  of  the  falling  leaf,  which,  breaking  on 
the  stillness  of  the  scene,  seems  to  announce,  in  prophetic  whis 
pers,  the  dreary  winter  that  is  approaching.  When  I  have  some 
times  seen  a  thrifty  young  oak  changing  its  hue  of  sturdy  vigor 
for  a  bright,  but  transient,  glow  of  red,  it  has  recalled  to  my  mind 
the  treacherous  bloom  that  once  mantled  the  cheek  of  a  friend 
who  is  now  no  more;  and  which,  while  it  seemed  to  promise  a 
long  life  of  jocund  spirits,  was  the  sure  precursor  of  premature 
decay.  In  a  little  while,  and  this  ostentatious  foliage  disappears ; 
the  close  of  autumn  leaves  but  one  wide  expanse  of  dusky  brown ; 
save  where  some  rivulet  steals  along,  bordered  with  little  strips 
of  green  grass ; — the  woodland  echoes  no  more  to  the  carols  of 
the  feathered  tribes  that  sported  in  the  leafy  covert,  and  its  soli 
tude  and  silence  is  uninterrupted,  except  by  the  plaintive  whistle 
of  the  quail,  the  barking  of  the  squirrel,  or  the  still  more  melan- 
cli  wintry  wind,  which,  rushing  and  swelling  through  the  hol- 
lowb  of  the  mountains,  sighs  through  the  leafless  branches  of  the 
grove,  and  seems  to  mourn  the  desolation  of  the  year. 

To  one  who,  like  myself,  is  fond  of  drawing  comparisons  be- 


196  SALMAGUNDI. 

tween  the  different  divisions  of  life,  and  those  of  the  seasons, 
there  will  appear  a  striking  analogy,  which  connects  the  feelings 
of  the  aged  with  the  decline  of  the  year.  Often  as  I  contemplate 
the  mild,  uniform,  and  genial  lustre  with  which  the  sun  cheers 
and  invigorates  us  in  the  month  of  October,  and  the  almost  imper 
ceptible  haze  which,  without  obscuring,  tempers  all  the  asperities 
of  the  landscape,  and  gives  to  every  object  a  character  of  stillness 
and  repose,  I  cannot  help  comparing  it  with  that  portion  of  exist 
ence,  when  the  spring  of  youthful  hope,  and  the  summer  of  the 
passions  having  gone  by,  reason  assumes  an  undisputed  sway,  and 
lights  us  on  with  bright,  but  undazzling  lustre,  adown  the  hill  of 
life.  There  is  a  full  and  mature  luxuriance  in  the  fields  that  fills 
the  bosom  with  generous  and  disinterested  content.  It  is  not  the 
thoughtless  extravagance  of  spring,  prodigal  only  in  blossoms,  nor 
the  languid  voluptuousness  of  summer,  feverish  in  its  enjoyments, 
and  teeming  only  with  immature  abundance ; — it  is  that  certain 
fruition  of  the  labors  of  the  past — that  prospect  of  comfortable 
realities,  which  those  will  be  sure  to  enjoy  who  have  improved 
the  bounteous  smiles  of  heaven,  nor  wasted  away  their  spring  and 
summer  in  empty  trifling  or  criminal  indulgence. 

Cousin  Pindar,  who  is  my  constant  companion  in  these  expe 
ditions,  and  who  still  possesses  much  of  the  fire  and  energy  of 
youthful  sentiment,  and  a  buxom  hilarity  of  the  spirits,  often, 
indeed,  draws  me  from  these  half-melancholy  reveries,  and  makes 
me  feel  young  again  by  the  enthusiasm  with  which  he  contem 
plates,  and  the  animation  with  which  he  eulogizes  the  beauties  of 
nature  displayed  before  him.  His  enthusiastic  disposition  never 
allows  him  to  enjoy  things  by  halves,  and  his  feelings  are  con 
tinually  breaking  out  in  notes  of  admiration  and  ejaculations  that 
sober  reason  might  perhaps  deem  extravagant :  But  for  my  part, 
when  I  see  a  hale,  hearty  old  man,  who  has  jostled  through  the 
rough  path  of  the  world,  without  having  worn  away  the  fine 
edges  of  his  feelings,  or  blunted  his  sensibility  to  natural  and 
moral  beauty,  I  compare  him  to  the  evergreen  of  the  forest, 
whose  colors,  instead  of  fading  at  the  approach  of  winter,  seem  to 
assume  additional  lustre,  when  contrasted  with  the  surrounding 

desolation  ; such  a  man  is  my  friend  Pindar; — yet  sometimes, 

and  particularly  at  the  approach  of  evening,  even  he  will  fall  in 
with  my  humor ;  but  he  soon  recovers  his  natural  tone  of  spirits ; 
and,  mounting  on  the  elasticity  of  his  mind,  like  Ganymede  on 
the  eagle's  wing,  he  soars  to  the  ethereal  regions  of  sunshine  and 
fancy. 

One  afternoon  we  had  strolled  to  the  top  of  a  high  hill  in  the 
neighborhood  of  the  Hall,  which  commands  an  almost  boundless 
prospect ;  and  as  the  shadows  began  to  lengthen  around  us,  and 
the  distant  mountains  to  fade  into  mist,  my  cousin  was  seized 
with  a  moralizing  fit.  "It  seems  to  me,"  said  he,  laying  his  hand 
lightly  on  my  shoulder,  "that  there  is  just  at  this  season,  and  this 
hour,  a  sympathy  between  us  and  the  world  we  are  now  contem 


SALMAGUNDI.  197 

plating.  The  evening  is  stealing  upon  nature  as  well  as  upon  us; 
the  shadows  of  the  opening  day  have  given  place  to  those  of  its 
close ;  and  the  only  difference  is,  that  in  the  morning  they  were 
before  us,  now  they  are  behind ;  and  that  the  first  vanished  in 
the  splendors  of  noonday,  the  latter  will  be  lost  in  the  oblivion 
of  night; — our  'May. of-life,'  my  dear  Launce,  has  for  ever  fled; 

our  summer  is  over  and  gone : but,"  continued  he,  suddenly 

recovering  himself,  and  slapping  me  gaily  on  the  shoulder — 
''but  why  should  we  repine? — what?  though  the  capricious 
zephyrs  of  spring,  the  heats  and  hurricanes  of  summer,  have  given 
place  to  the  sober  sunshine  of  autumn !  and  though  the  woods 
begin  to  assume  the  dappled  livery  of  decay !  yet  the  prevailing 
color  is  still  green — gay,  sprightly  green. 

"Let  us  then  comfort  ourselves  with  this  reflection;  that 
though  the  shades  of  the  morning  have  given  place  to  those  of 
the  evening — though  the  spring  is  past,  the  summer  over,  and  the 
autumn  come — still  you  and  I  go  on  our  way  rejoicing,  and  while, 
like  the  lofty  mountains  of  our  southern  America,  our  heads  are 
covered  with  snow,  still,  like  them,  we  feel  the  genial  warmth  of 
spring  and  summer  playing  upon  our  bosoms." 


BY  LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,  ESQ. 

IN  the  description  which  I  gave  some  time  since,  of  Cockloft-hall, 
I  totally  forgot  to  make  honorable  mention  of  the  library ;  which 
I  confess  was  a  most  inexcusable  oversight ;  for  in  truth  it  would 
bear  a  comparison,  in  point  of  usefulness  and  eccentricity,  with 
the  motley  collection  of  the  renowned  hero  of  La  Mancha. 

It  was  chiefly  gathered  together  by  my  grandfather  ;  who 
spared  neither  pains  nor  expense  to  procure  specimens  of  the 
oldest,  most  quaint,  and  insufferable  books  in  the  whole  compass 
of  English,  Scotch,  and  Irish  literature.  There  is  a  tradition  in 
the  family  that  the  old  gentleman  once  gave  a  grand  entertainment 
in  consequence  of  having  got  possession  of  a  copy  of  a  philippic, 
by  archbishop  Anselm,  against  the  unseemly  luxury  of  long  toed 
shoes,  as  worn  by  the  courtiers  in  the  time  of  William  Eufus  ; 
which  he  purchased  of  an  honest  brick-maker  in  the  neighborhood, 
for  a  little  less  than  forty  times  its  value.  He  had  undoubtedly  a 
singular  reverence  for  old  authors,  and  his  highest  eulogium  on 
his  library  was,  that  it  consisted  of  books  not  to  be  met  with  in 
any  other  collection  ;  and  as  the  phrase  is,  entirely  out  of  print. 
The  reason  of  which  was,  I  suppose,  that  they  were  not  worthy 
of  being  reprinted. 

Cousin  Christopher  preserves  these  relics  with  great  care,  and 


198  SALMAGUNDI. 

has  added  considerably  to  the  collection ;  for  with  the  hall  he  has 
inherited  almost  all  the  whim-whams  of  its  former  possessor.  _  He 
cherishes  a  reverential  regard  for  ponderous  tomes  of  Greek  and 
Latin  ;  though  he  knows  about  as  much  of  these  languages,  as  a 
young  bachelor  of  arts  does  a  year  or  two  after  leaving  college. 
A  worm-eaten  work  in  eight  or  ten  volumes  he  compares  to  an 
old  family,  more  respectable  for  its  antiquity  than  its  splendor  ; — 
a  lumbering  folio  he  considers  as  a  duke ; — a  sturdy  quarto,  as  an 
earl ;  and  a  row  of  gilded  duodecimos,  as  so  many  gallant  knighta 
of  the  garter.  But  as  to  modern  works  of  literature,  they  are 
thrust  into  trunks  and  drawers,  as  intruding  upstarts,  and  regarded 
with  as  much  contempt  as  mushroom  nobility  in  England  ;  wTho, 
having  risen  to  grandeur,  merely  by  their  talents  and  services,  are 
regarded  as  utterly  unworthy  to  mingle  their  blood  with  those 
noble  currents  that  can  be  traced  without  a  single  contamination 
through  a  long  line  of,  perhaps,  useless  and  profligate  ancestors, 
up  to  William  the  bastard's  cook,  or  butler,  or  groom,  or  some  one 
of  Hollo's  freebooters. 

Will  Wizard,  whose  studies  are  of  a  most  uncommon  complex 
ion,  takes  great  delight  in  ransacking  the  library ;  and  has  been, 
during  his  late  sojournings  at  the  hall,  very  constant  and  devout 
in  his  visits  to  this  receptacle  of  obsolete  learning.  He  seemed 
particularly  tickled  with  the  contents  of  the  great  mahogany  chest 
of  drawers  mentioned  in  the  beginning  of  this  work.  This  vene 
rable  piece  of  architecture  has  frowned  in  sullen  majesty,  from  a 
corner  of  the  library,  time  out  of  mind ;  and  is  filled  with  musty 
manuscripts,  some  in  my  grandfather's  hand-writing,  and  others 
evidently  written  long  before  his  day. 

It  was  a  sight,  worthy  of  a  man's  seeing,  to  behold  Will  with 
his  outlandish  phiz  poring  over  old  scrawls  that  would  puzzle  a 
whole  society  of  antiquarians  to  expound,  and  diving  into  recep 
tacles  of  trumpery,  which  for  a  century  past,  had  been  undisturb 
ed  by  mortal  hand.  He  would  sit  for  whole  hours,  with  a 
phlegmatic  patience  unknown  in  these  degenerate  days,  except, 
peradventure,  among  the  High  Dutch  commentators,  prying  into 
the  quaint  obscurity  of  musty  parchments,  until  his  whole  face 
seemed  to  be  converted  into  a  folio  leaf  of  black  letter ;  and  occa 
sionally,  when  the  whimsical  meaning  of  an  obscure  passage 
flashed  on  his  mind,  his  countenance  would  curl  up  into  an 
expression  of  gothic  risibility,  not  unlike  the  physiognomy  of  a 
cabbage  leaf  wilting  before  a  hot  fire. 

At  such  times  there  was  no  getting  Will  to  join  in  our  walks  ; 
or  take  any  part  in  our  usual  recreations :  he  hardly  gave  us  an 
oriental  tale  in  a  week,  and  would  smoke  so  inveterately  that  no 
one  else  dared  enter  the  library  under  pain  of  suffocation.  This 
was  more  especially  the  case  when  he  encountered  any  knotty 
piece  of  writing ;  and  he  honestly  confessed  to  me  that  one  worm- 
eaten  manuscript,  written  in  a  pestilent  crabbed  hand,  had  coat 
him  a  box  of  the  best  Spanish  segars  before  he  could  make  it 


SALMAGUNDI.  199 

out ;  and  after  all,  it  was  not  worth  a  tobacco-stalk.  Such  is  the 
turn  of  my  knowing  associate ; — only  let  him  get  fairly  in  the 
track  of  any  odd  out-of-the-way  whim-wham,  and  away  he  goes, 
whip  and  cut,  until  he  either  runs  down  his  game,  or  runs  him 
self  out  of  breath ; — I  never  in  my  life  met  with  a  man  who  rode 
his  hobby  horse  more  intolerably  hard  than  Wizard. 

One  of  his  favorite  occupations  for  some  time  past,  has  been 
the  hunting  of  black  letter,  which  he  holds  in  high  regard ;  and 
he  often  hints,  that  learning  has  been  on  the  decline  ever  since 
the  introduction  of  the  Roman  alphabet.  An  old  book  printed 
three  hundred  years  ago,  is  a  treasure  ;  and  a  ragged  scroll,  about 
one  half  unintelligible,  fills  him  with  rapture.  Oh !  with  what 
enthusiasm  will  he  dwell  on  the  discovery  of  the  Pandects  of 
Justinian,  and  Livy's  history:  and  when  he  relates  the  pious 
exertions  of  the  Medici,  in  recovering  the  lost  treasures  of  Greek 
and  Roman  literature,  his  eye  brightens,  and  his  face  assumes  all 
the  splendor  of  an  illuminated  manuscript. 

Will  had  vegetated  for  a  considerable  time  in  perfect  tranquillity 
among  dust  and  cobwebs,  when  one  morning  as  we  were  gathered 
on  the  piazza,  listening  with  exemplary  patience  to  one  of  cousin 
Christopher's  long  stories  about  the  revolutionary  war,  we  were 
suddenly  electrified  by  an  explosion  of  laughter  from  the  library. 
My  readers,  unless  peradventure  they  have  heard  honest  Will 
laugh,  can  form  no  idea  of  the  prodigious  uproar  he  makes.  To 
hear  him  in  a  forest,  you  would  imagine,  that  is  to  say  if  you  were 
classical  enough,  that  the  satyrs  and  the  dryads  had  just  disco 
vered  a  pair  of  rural  lovers  in  the  shade,  and  were  deriding,  with 
bursts  of  obstreperous  laughter,  the  blushes  of  the  nymph  and  the 
indignation  of  the  swain ; — or  if  it  were  suddenly,  as  in  the  pre 
sent  instance,  to  break  upon  the  serene  and  pensive  silence  of  an 
autumnal  morning,  it  would  cause  a  sensation  something  like  that 
which  arises  from  hearing  a  sudden  clap  of  thunder  in  a  summer's 
day,  when  not  a  cloud  is  to  be  seen  above  the  horizon.  In  short, 
I  recommend  Will's  laugh  as  a  sovereign  remedy  for  the  spleen : 
and  if  any  of  our  readers  are  troubled  with  that  villanous  com 
plaint, — which  can  hardly  be,  if  they  make  good  use  of  our 
works, — I  advise  them  earnestly  to  get  introduced  to  him  forth 
with. 

This  outrageous  merriment  of  Will's,  as  may  be  easily  sup 
posed,  threw  the  whole  family  into  a  violent  fit  of  wondering; 
we  all,  with  the  exception  of  Christopher,  who  took  the  interrup 
tion  in  high  dudgeon,  silently  stole  up  to  the  library ;  and  bolting  in 
upon  him,  were  fain  at  the  first  glance  to  join  in  his  aspiring  roar. 
His  face, — but  I  despair  to  give  an  idea  of  his  appearance ! — and 
until  his  portrait,  which  is  now  in  the  hands  of  an  eminent  artist, 
is  engraved,  my  readers  must  be  content : — I  promise  them  they 
shall  one  day  or  other  have  a  striking  likeness  of  Will's  in 
describable  phiz,  in  all  its  native  comeliness. 

Upon  my  inquiring  the  occasion  of  his  mirth,  he  thrust  an  old 


200  SALMAGUNDI. 

rusty,  musty,  and  dusty  manuscript  into  my  hand,  of  which  I 
could  not  decypher  one  word  out  of  ten,  without  more  trouble 
than  it  was  worth.  This  task,  however,  he  kindly  took  off  my 
hands ;  and,  in  little  more  than  eight  and  forty  hours,  produced  a 
translation  into  fair  Roman  letters ;  though  he  assured  me  it  had 
lost  a  vast  deal  of  its  humor  by  being  modernized  and  degraded 
into  plain  English.  In  return  for  the  great  pains  he  had  taken,  I 
could  not  do  less  than  insert  it  in  our  work.  Will  informs  me 
that  it  is  but  one  sheet  of  a  stupendous  bundle  which  still  remains 
uninvestigated ; — who  was  the  author  we  have  not  yet  disco 
vered  ;  but  a  note  on  the  back,  in  my  grandfather's  hand-writing, 
informs  us  that  it  was  presented  to  him  as  a  literary  curiosity  by 
his  particular  friend,  the  illustrious  KIP  VAN  DAM,  formerly  lieu 
tenant-governor  of  the  colony  of  NEW  AMSTERDAM  ;  and  whose 
fame,  if  it  has  never  reached  these  latter  days,  it  was  only  because 
he  was  too  modest  a  man  ever  to  do  anything  worthy  of  being 
particularly  recorded. 


CHAP.  CIX.— OF  THE  CHRONICLES  OF  THE  RENOWNED 
AND  ANTIENT  CITY  OF  GOTHAM. 

How  Gotham  city  conquered  was, 

And  how  the  folks  turned  apes — because.        LINK.  FID. 

ALBEIT,  much  about  this  time  it  did  fall  out  that  the  thrice  re 
nowned  and  delectable  city  of  GOTHAM  did  suffer  great  discom 
fiture,  and  was  reduced  to  perilous  extremity,  by  the  invasion 
and  assaults  of  the  HOPPINGTOTS.  These  are  a  people  inhabiting 
a  far  distant  country,  exceedingly  pleasaunte  and  fertile ;  but  they 
being  withal  egregiously  addicted  to  migrations,  do  thence  issue 
forth  in  mighty  swarms,  like  the  Scythians  of  old,  overrunning 
divers  countries,  and  commonwealths,  and  committing  great 
devastations  wheresoever  they  do  go,  by  their  horrible  and  dread 
ful  feats  and  prowesses.  They  are  specially  noted  for  being  right 
valorous  in  all  exercises  of  the  leg ;  and  of  them  it  hath  been 
rightly  affirmed  that  no  nation  in  all  Christendom  or  elsewhere, 
can  cope  with  them  in  the  adroit,  dexterous,  and  jocund  shaking 
of  the  heel. 

This  engaging  excellence  doth  stand  unto  them  a  sovereign 
recommendation,  by  the  which  they  do  insinuate  themselves  into 
universal  favor  and  good  countenance ;  and  it  is  a  notable  fact, 
that,  let  a  Hoppingtot  but  once  introduce  a  foot  into  company,  and 
it  goeth  hardly  if  he  doth  not  contrive  to  flourish  his  whole  body 
in  thereafter.  The  learned  Linkum  Fidelius,  in  his  fSmou.s  ;-md 


SALMAGUNDI.  201 

unheard  of  treatise  on  man,  whom  he  defineth,  with  exceeding 
sagacity,  to  be  a  corn-cutting,  tooth-drawing  animal,  is  particular 
ly  minute  and  elaborate  in  treating  of  the  nation  of  the  Hopping- 
tots,  and  betrays  a  little  of  the  Pythagorean  in  his  theory,  inas 
much  as  he  accounteth  for  their  being  so  wonderously  adroit  in 
pedestrian  exercises,  by  supposing  that  they  did  originally  acquire 
this  unaccountable  and  unparalleled  aptitude  for  huge  and  un- 
matchable  feats  of  the  leg,  by  having  heretofore  been  condemned 
for  their  numerous  offences  against  that  harmless  race  of  bipeds, 
— or  quadrupeds, — for  herein  the  sage  Linkum  Fidelius  appeareth 
to  doubt  and  waver  exceedingly,  the  frogs,  to  animate  their  bodies 
for  the  space  of  one  or  two  generations. 

He  also  giveth  it  as  his  opinion,  that  the  name  of  Hoppingtots 
is  manifestly  derivative  from  this  transmigration.  Be  this,  how 
ever,  as  it  may,  the  matter,  albeit  it  hath  been  the  subject  of  con 
troversy  among  the  learned,  is  but  little  pertinent  to  the  subject  of 
this  history ;  wherefore  shall  we  treat  and  consider  it  as  naughto. 

Now  these  people  being  thereto  impelled  by  a  superfluity  of 
appetite,  and  a  plentiful  deficiency  of  the  wherewithal  to  satisfy 
the  same,  did  take  thought  that  the  antient  and  venerable  city  of 
Gotham,  was,  peradventure,  possessed  of  mighty  treasures,  and 
did,  moreover,  abound  with  all  manner  of  fish  and  flesh,  and  eata 
bles  and  drinkables,  and  such  like  delightsome  and  wholesome 
excellencies  withal.  Whereupon  calling  a  council  of  the  most 
active  heeled  warriors,  they  did  resolve  forthwith  to  put  forth  a 
mighty  array,  make  themselves  masters  of  the  same,  and  revel  in 
the  good  things  of  the  land.  To  this  were  they  hotly  stirred  up, 
and  wickedly  incited,  by  two  redoubtable  and  renowned  warriors, 
hight  PIROUET  and  RIGADOON;  ycleped  in  such  sort,  by  reason 
that  they  were  two  mighty,  valiant,  and  invincible  little  men; 
utterly  famous  for  the  victories  of  the  leg  which  they  had,  on 
divers  illustrious  occasions,  right  gallantly  achieved. 

These  doughty  champions  did  ambitiously  and  wickedly  inflame 
the  minds  of  their  countrymen,  with  gorgeous  descriptions,  in  the 
which  they  did  cunninglie  set  forth  the  marvellous  riches  and 
luxuries  of  Gotham;  where  Hoppingtots  might  have  garments 
for  their  bodies,  shirts  to  their  ruffles,  and  might  riot  most  merrily 
every  day  in  the  week  on  beef,  pudding,  and  such  like  lusty 
dainties. — They,  Pirouet  and  Rigadoon,  did  likewise  hold  out  hopes 
of  an  easy  conquest ;  forasmuch  as  the  Gothamites  were  as  yet 
but  little  versed  in  the  mystery  and  science  of  handling  the  legs ; 
and  being,  moreover,  like  unto  that  notable  bully  of  antiquity, 
Achilles,  most  vulnerable  to  all  attacks  on  the  heel,  would  doubt 
less  surrender  at  the  very  first  assault. — Whereupon,  on  the 
hearing  of  this  inspiriting  counsel,  the  Hoppingtots  did  set  up  a 
prodigious  great  cry  of  joy,  shook  their  heels  in  triumph,  and 
were  all  impatience  to  dance  on  to  Gotham  and  take  it  by 
Btorm. 

The  cunning  Ptrouer,  and  the  arch  caitift  Rigadoon,  knew  full 


202  SALMAGUNDI. 

well  how  to  profit  of  this  enthusiasm.  They  forthwith  did  order 
every  man  to  arm  himself  with  a  certain  pestilent  little  weapon, 
called  a  fiddle; — to  pack  up  in  his  knapsack  a  pair  of  silk 
breeches,  the  like  of  ruffles,  a  cocked  hat  of  the  form  of  a  half- 
moon,  a  bundle  of  catgut — and  inasmuch  as  in  marching  to 
Gotham,  the  army  might  peradventure  be  smitten  with  scarcity 
of  provisions,  they  did  account  it  proper  that  each  man  should 
take  especial  care  to  carry  with  him  a  bunch  of  right  merchanta 
ble  onions.  Having  proclaimed  these  orders  by  sound  of  fiddle, 
they,  Pirouet  and  Rigadoon,  did  accordingly  put  their  army  be 
hind  them,  and  striking  up  the  right  jolly  and  sprightful  tune  of 
Ca  Ira,  away  they  all  capered  towards  the  devoted  city  of 
Gotham,  with  a  most  horrible  and  appalling  chattering  of 
voices. 

Of  their  first  appearance  before  the  beleaguered  town,  and  of  the 
various  difficulties  which  did  encounter  them  in  their  march,  this 
history  saith  not ;  being  that  other  matters  of  more  weighty 
import  require  to  be  written.  When  that  the  army  of  the 
Hoppingtots  did  peregrinate  within  sight  of  Gotham,  and  the 
people  of  the  city  did  behold  the  villanous  and  hitherto  unseen 
capers,  and  grimaces,  which  they  did  make,  a  most  horrific  panic 
was  stirred  up  among  the  citizens ;  and  the  sages  of  the  town 
fell  into  great  despondency  and  tribulation,  as  supposing  that 
these  invaders  were  of  the  race  of  the  Jig-hees,  who  did  make 
men  into  baboons  when  they  achieved  a  conquest  over  them. 
The  sages,  therefore,  called  upon  all  the  dancing  men,  and  dan 
cing  women,  and  exhorted  them  with  great  vehemency  of  speech, 
to  make  heel  against  the  invaders,  and  to  put  themselves  upon 
such  gallant  defence,  such  glorious  array,  and  such  sturdy  evolu 
tion,  elevation,  and  transposition  of  the  foot  as  might  incontinently 
impester  the  legs  of  the  Hoppingtots,  and  produce  their  complete 
discomfiture.  But  so  it  did  happen,  by  great  mischance,  that  di 
vers  light-heeled  youth  of  Gotham,  more  especially  those  who 
are  descended  from  three  wise  men,  so  renowned  of  yore  for 
having  most  venturesomely  voyaged  over  sea  in  a  bowl,  were, 
from  time  to  time,  captured  and  inveigled  into  the  camp  of  the 
enemy ;  where,  being  foolishly  cajoled  and  treated  for  a  season 
with  outlandish  disports  and  pleasantries,  they  were  sent  back 
to  their  friends,  entirely  changed,  degenerated,  and  turned  topsy 
turvy  ;  insomuch  that  they  thought  thenceforth  of  nothing  but 
their  heels,  always  essaying  to  thrust  them  into  the  most  mani 
fest  point  of  view ; — and,  in  a  word,  as  might  truly  be  affirmed, 
did  for  ever  after  walk  upon  their  heads  outright. 

And  the  Hoppingtots  did  day  by  day,  and  at  late  hours  of  the 
night,  wax  more  and  more  urgent  in  this  their  investment  of  the 
city.  At  one  time  they  would,  in  goodly  procession,  make  an 
open  assault  by  sound  of  fiddle  in  a  tremendous  contra-dance ; — 
and  anon  they  would  advance  by  little  detachments  and  manoeu 
vres  to  take  the  town  by  figuring  in  cotillons.  But  truly  their 


SALMAGUNDI.  203 

most  cunning  and  devilish  craft,  and  subtilty,  was  made  manifest 
in  their  strenuous  endeavors  to  corrupt  the  garrison,  by  a  most  in 
sidious  and  pestilent  dance  called  the  Waltz.  This,  in  good  truth, 
was  a  potent  auxiliary ;  for,  by  it,  were  the  heads  of  the  simple 
Gothamites  most  villanously  turned,  their  wits  sent  a  wool 
gathering,  and  themselves  on  the  point  of  surrendering  at  discre 
tion  even  unto  the  very  arms  of  their  invading  foemen. 

At  length  the  fortifications  of  the  town  began  to  give  manifest 
symptoms  of  decay ;  inasmuch  as  the  breastwork  of  decency  was 
considerably  broken  down,  and  the  curtain  works  of  propriety 
blown  up.  "When  that  the  cunning  caitiff  Pirouet  beheld  the 
ticklish  and  jeopardized  state  of  the  city — "Now,  by  my  leg," 
quoth  he, — he  always  swore  by  his  leg,  being  that  it  was  an  ex 
ceedingly  goodlie  leg; — "Now,  by  my  leg,"  quoth  he,  "but  this 
is  no  great  matter  of  recreation; — I  will  show  these  people  a 
pretty,  strange,  and  new  way  forsooth,  presentlie,  and  will  shake 
the  dust  off  my  pumps  upon  this  most  obstinate  and  uncivilized 
town."  Whereupon  he  ordered,  and  did  command  his  warriors, 
one  and  all,  that  they  should  put  themselves  in  readiness,  and 
prepare  to  carry  the  town  by  a  GRAND  BALL.  They,  in  no  wise  to 
be  daunted,  do  forthwith,  at  the  word,  equip  themselves  for  the 
assault ;  and  in  good  faith,  truly,  it  was  a  gracious  and  glorious 
sight,  a  most  triumphant  and  incomparable  spectacle,  to  behold 
them  gallantly  arrayed  in  glossy  and  shining  silk  breeches  tied 
with  abundance  of  riband ;  with  silken  hose  of  the  gorgeous  color 
of  the  salmon; — right  goodlie  morocco  pumps,  decorated  with 
clasps  or  buckles  of  a  most  cunninge  and  secret  contrivance,  inas 
much  as  they  did  of  themselves  grapple  to  the  shoe  without  any 
aid  of  fluke  or  tongue,  marvellously  ensembling  witchcraft  and 
necromancy.  They  had,  withal,  exuberant  chitterlings ;  which 
puffed  out  at  the  neck  and  bosom,  after  a  most  jolly  fashion,  like 
unto  the  beard  of  an  antient  he-turkey ; — and  cocked  hats,  the 
which  they  did  carry  not  on  their  heads,  after  the  fashion  of  the 
Gothamites,  but  under  their  arms,  as  a  roasted  fowl  his  gizzard. 

Thus  being  equipped,  and  marshalled,  they  do  attack,  assault, 
batter,  and  belabor  the  town  with  might  and  main ; — most 
gallantly  displaying  the  vigor  of  their  legs,  and  shaking  their 
heels  at  it  most  emphatically.  And  the  manner  of  their  attack 
was  in  this  sort ; — first,  they  did  thunder  and  gallop  forward  in  a 
contre  temps ; — and  anon,  displayed  column  in  a  Cossack  dance,  a 
fandango,  or  a  gavot.  "Whereat  the  Gothamites,  in  no  wise 
understanding  this  unknown  system  of  warfare,  marvelled 
exceedinglie,  and  did  open  their  mouths  incontinently,  the  full 
distance  of  a  bow-shot,  meaning  a  cross-bow,  in  sore  dismay  and 
apprehension.  Whereupon,  saith  Eigadoon,  flourishing  his  left 
leg  with  great  expression  of  valor,  and  most  magnific  carriage — 
"  my  copesmates,  for  what  wait  we  here ;  are  not  the  townsmen 
already  won  to  our  favor  ? — do  not  their  women  and  young 
damsels  wave  to  us  from  the  walls  in  such  sort  that,  albeit  there. 


204  SALMAGUNDI. 

is  some  show  of  defence,  yet  is  it  manifestly  converted  into  our 
interests  ?"  so  saying,  he  made  no  more  ado,  but  leaping  into  the 
air  about  a  flight-shot,  and  crossing  his  feet  six  times,  after  the 
manner  of  the  Hoppingtots,  he  gave  a  short  partridge-run,  and 
with  mighty  vigor  and  swiftness  did  bolt  outright  over  the  walls 
with  a  somerset.  The  whole  army  of  Hoppingtots  danced  in 
after  their  valiant  chieftain,  with  an  enormous  squeaking  of  fiddles, 
and  a  horrific  blasting  and  brattling  of  horns ;  insomuch  that  the 
dogs  did  howl  in  the  streets,  so  hideously  were  their  ears  assailed. 
The  Gothamites  made  some  semblance  of  defence,  but  their 
women  having  been  all  won  over  into  the  interest  of  the  enemy, 
they  were  shortly  reduced  to  make  most  abject  submission ;  and 
delivered  over  to  the  coercion  of  certain  professors  of  the  Hop 
pingtots,  who  did  put  them  under  most  ignominious  durance,  for 
the  space  of  a  long  time,  until  they  had  learned  to  turn  out  their 
toes,  and  flourish  their  legs  after  the  manner  of  their  conquerors. 
And  thus,  after  the  manner  I  have  related,  was  the  mighty  and 
puissant  city  of  Gotham  circumvented,  and  taken  by  a  coup  de 
pied :  or  as  it  might  be  rendered,  by  force  of  legs. 

The  conquerors  showed  no  mercy,  but  did  put  all  ages,  sexes, 
and  conditions,  to  the  fiddle  and  the  dance;  and,  in  a  word, 
compelled  and  enforced  them  to  become  absolute  Hoppingtots. 
"Habit,"  as  the  ingenious  Linkum  Fidelius  profoundly  affirmeth, 
"  is  second  nature."  And  this  original  and  invaluable  observation 
hath  been  most  aptly  proved,  and  illustrated,  by  the  example  of 
the  Gothamites,  ever  since  this  disastrous  and  unlucky  mischance. 
In  process  of  time,  they  have  waxed  to  be  most  flagrant,  out 
rageous,  and  abandoned  dancers;  they  do  ponder  on  noughte  but 
how  to  gallantize  it  at  balls,  routs,  and  fandangoes ;  insomuch  that 
the  like  was  in  no  time  or  place  ever  observed  before.  They  do 
moreover,  pitifully  devote  their  nights  to  the  jollification  of  the 
legs,  and  their  days  forsooth  to  the  instruction  and  edification 
of  the  heel.  And  to  conclude ;  their  young  folk,  who  whilome 
did  bestow  a  modicum  of  leisure  upon  the  improvement  of  the 
head,  have  of  late  utterly  abandoned  this  hopeful  task  ;  and  have 
quietly,  as  it  were,  settled  themselves  down  into  mere  machines, 
wound  up  by  a  tune,  and  set  in  motion  by  a  fiddlestick  1 


SALMAGUNDI.  205 


NO.  XVIII.— TUESDAY,  NOV.  24,  1807. 

THE  LITTLE  MAN  IN  BLACK. 

BY   LAUNCELOT   LAXGSTAFF,    ESQ. 

THE  following  story  has  been  handed  down  by  family  tradition 
for  more  than  a  century.  It  is  one  on  which  my  cousin  Christo 
pher  dwells  with  more  than  usual  prolixity ;  and,  being  in  some 
measure  connected  with  a  personage  often  quoted  in  our  work,  I 
have  thought  it  worthy  of  being  laid  before  my  readers. 

Soon  after  my  grandfather,  Mr.  Lemuel  Cockloft,  had  quietly 
settled  himself  at  the  hall,  and  just  about  the  time  that  the 
gossips  of  the  neighborhood,  tired  of  prying  into  his  affairs,  were 
anxious  for  some  new  tea-table  topic,  the  busy  community  of  our 
little  village  was  thrown  into  a  grand  turmoil  of  curiosity  and 
conjecture ;  a  situation  very  common  to  little  gossiping  villages, 
by  the  sudden  and  unaccountable  appearance  of  a  mysterious 
individual. 

The  object  of  this  solicitude  was  a  little  black-looking  man,  of 
a  foreign  aspect,  who  took  possession  of  an  old  building,  which 
having  long  had  the  reputation  of  being  haunted,  was  in  a  state 
of  ruinous  desolation,  and  an  object  of  fear  to  all  true  believers  in 
ghosts.  He  usually  wore  a  high  sugar-loaf  hat  with  a  narrow 
brim;  and  a  little  black  cloak,  which,  short  as  he  was,  scarcely 
reached  below  his  knees.  He  sought  no  intimacy  or  acquaint 
ance  with  any  one ;  appeared  to  take  no  interests  in  the  pleasures 
or  the  little  broils  of  the  village ;  nor  ever  talked ;  except  some 
times  to  himself  in  an  outlandish  tongue.  He  commonly  carried 
a  large  book,  covered  with  sheepskin,  under  his  arm;  appeared 
always  to  be  lost  in  meditation ;  and  was  often  met  by  the  pea 
santry  sometimes  watching  the  dawning  of  day,  sometimes  at 
noon  seated  under  a  tree  poring  over  his  volume ;  and  sometimes 
at  evening  gazing  with  a  look  of  sober  tranquillity  at  the  sun  as 
it  gradually  sunk  below  the  horizon. 

The  good  people  of  the  vicinity  beheld  something  prodigiously 
singular  in  all  this ; —  a  profound  mystery  seemed  to  hang  about 
the  stranger  which,  with  all  their  sagacity,  they  could  not  pene 
trate  ;  and  in  the  excess  of  worldly  charity  they  pronounced  it  a 
sure  sign  "that  he  was  no  better  than  he  should  be;  " — a  phrase 
innocent  enough  in  itself:  but  which,  as  applied  in  common,  sig- 


206  SALMAGUNDI. 

nifies  nearly  every  thing  that  is  bad.  The  young  people  thought 
him  a  gloomy  misanthrope,  because  he  never  joined  in  their 
sports ; — the  old  men  thought  still  more  hardly  of  him  because 
he  followed  no  trade,  nor  ever  seemed  ambitious  of  earning  a 
farthing ; — and  as  to  the  old  gossips,  baffled  by  the  inflexible  taci- . 
turnity  of  the  stranger,  they  unanimously  decreed  that  a  man 
who  could  not  or  would  not  talk  was  no  better  than  a  dumb  beast. 
The  little  man  in  black,  careless  of  their  opinions,  seemed  resolved 
to  maintain  the  liberty  of  keeping  his  own  secret ;  and  the  conse 
quence  was,  that,  in  a  little  while,  the  whole  village  was  in  an 
uproar ; — for  in  little  communities  of  tlu's  description,  the  mem 
bers  have  always  the  privilege  of  being  thoroughly  versed,  and 
even  of  meddling  in  all  the  affairs  of  each  other. 

A  confidential  conference  was  held  one  Sunday  morning  after 
sermon,  at  the  door  of  the  village  church,  and  the  character  of  the 
unknown  fully  investigated.  The  schoolmaster  gave  as  his 
opinion,  that  he  was  the  wandering  Jew  ;  the  sexton  was  certain 
that  he  must  be  a  free-mason  from  his  silence; — a  third  main 
tained,  with  great  obstinacy,  that  he  was  a  high  German  doctor ; 
and  that  the  book  which  he  carried  about  with  him,  contained 
the  secrets  of  the  black  art ;  but  the  most  prevailing  opinion 
seemed  to  be  that  he  was  a  witch; — a  race  of  beings  at  that  time 
abounding  in  those  parts;  and  a  sagacious  old  matron,  from 
Connecticut,  proposed  to  ascertain  the  fact  by  sousing  him  into  a 
kettle  of  hot  water. 

Suspicion,  when  once  afloat,  goes  with  wind  and  tide,  and  soon 
becomes  certainty.  Many  a  stormy  night  was  the  little  man  in 
black  seen  by  the  flashes  of  lightning,  frisking  and  curveting  in 
the  air  upon  a  broomstick ;  and  it  was  always  observed,  that  at 
those  times  the  storm  did  more  mischief  than  at  any  other.  The 
old  lady  in  particular,  who  suggested  the  humane  ordeal  of  the 
boiling  kettle,  lost  on  one  of  these  occasions  a  tine  brindle  cow ; 
which  accident  was  entirely  ascribed  to  the  vengeance  of  the  little 
man  in  black.  If  ever  a  mischievous  hireling  rode  his  master's 
favorite  horse  to  a  distant  frolic,  and  the  animal  was  observed  to 
be  lame  and  jaded  in  the  morning, — the  little  man  in  black  was 
sure  to  be  at  the  bottom  of  the  affair;  nor  could  a  high  wind 
howl  through  the  village  at  night  but  the  old  women  shrugged 
up  their  shoulders,  and  observed,  "  the  little  man  in  black  was  in 
his  tantrums."  In  short,  he  became  the  bugbear  of  every  house ; 
and  was  as  effectual  in  frightening  little  children  into  obedience 
and  hysterics,  as  the  redoubtable  Raw-head-and-bloody-bones 
himself ;  nor  could  a  housewife  of  the  village  sleep  in  peace, 
except  under  the  guardianship  of  a  horse-shoe  nailed  to  the  door. 

The  object  of  these  direful  suspicions  remained  for  some  time 
totally  ignorant  of  the  wonderful  quandary  he  had  occasioned ; 
but  he  was  soon  doomed  to  feel  its  effects.  An  individual  who  is 
once  so  unfortunate  as  to  incur  the  odium  of  a  village,  is  in  a 
great  measure  outlawed  and  proscribed ;  and  becomes  a  mark  for 


SALMAGUNDI.  207 

injury  and  insult;  particularly  if  he  has  not  the  power  or  the  dis 
position  to  recriminate.  The  little  venomous  passions,  which  in 
the  great  world  are  dissipated  and  weakened  by  being  widely 
diffused,  act  in  the  narrow  limits  of  a  country  town  with  collected 
vigor,  and  become  rancorous  in  proportion  as  they  are  confined  in 
their  sphere  of  action.  The  little  man  in  black  experienced  the 
truth  of  this ;  every  mischievous  urchin  returning  from  school,  had 
full  liberty  to  break  his  windows ;  and  this  was  considered  as  a 
most  daring  exploit ;  for  in  such  awe  did  they  stand  of  him.  that 
the  most  adventurous  school  boy  was  never  seen  to  approach  his 
threshhold,  and  at  night  would  prefer  going  round  by  the  cross 
roads,  where  a  traveller  had  been  murdered  by  the  Indians, 
rather  than  pass  by  the  door  of  his  forlorn  habitation. 

The  only  living  creature  that  seemed  to  have  any  care  or  affec 
tion  for  this  deserted  being,  was  an  old  turnspit, — the  companion 
of  his  lonely  mansion  and  his  solitary  wandering ; — the  sharer  of 
his  scanty  meals,  and,  sorry  I  am  to  say  it, — the  sharer  of  his  per 
secutions.  The  turnspit,  like  his  master,  was  peaceable  and  inof 
fensive  ;  never  known  to  bark  at  a  horse,  to  growl  at  a  traveller, 
or  to  quarrel  with  the  dogs  of  the  neighborhood.  He  followed 
close  at  his  master's  heels  when  he  went  out,  and  when  he 
returned  stretched  himself  in  the  sunbeams  at  the  door ;  demean 
ing  himself  in  all  things  like  a  civil  and  well  disposed  turnspit. 
But  notwithstanding  his  exemplary  deportment,  he  fell  likewise 
under  the  ill  report  of  the  village ;  as  being  the  familiar  of  the 
little  man  in  black,  and  the  evil  spirit  that  presided  at  his  incan 
tations.  The  old  hovel  was  considered  as  the  scene  of  their  un 
hallowed  rites,  and  its  harmless  tenants  regarded  with  a  detesta 
tion  which  their  inoffensive  conduct  never  merited. — Though 
pelted  and  jeered  at  by  the  brats  of  the  village,  and  frequently 
abused  by  their  parents,  the  little  man  in  black  never  turned  to 
rebuke  them;  and  his  faithful  dog,  when  wantonly  assaulted, 
looked  up  wistfully  in  his  master's  face,  and  there  learned  a 
lesson  of  patience  and  forbearance. 

The  movements  of  this  inscrutable  being  had  long  been  the 
subject  of  speculation  at  Cockloft-hall,  for  its  inmates  were  full  as 
much  given  to  wondering  as  their  descendants.  The  patience 
with  which  he  bore  his  persecutions,  particularly  surprised  them ; 
for  patience  is  a  virtue  but  little  known  in  the  Cockloft  family. 
My  grandmother,  who  it  appears  was  rather  superstitious,  saw  in 
this  humility  nothing  but  the  gloomy  sullenness  of  a  wizard,  who 
restrained  himself  for  the  present,  in  hopes  of  midnight  vengeance ; 
— the  parson  of  the  village,  who  was  a  man  of  some  reading,  pro 
nounced  it  the  stubborn  insensibility  of  a  stoic  philosopher ; — my 
grandfather,  who,  worthy  soul,  seldom  wandered  abroad  in  search 
of  conclusions,  took  a  data  from  his  own  excellent  heart,  and  re 
garded  it  as  the  humble  forgiveness  of  a  Christian.  But  however 
different  were  their  opinions  as  to  the  character  of  the  stranger, 
they  agreed  in  one  particular,  namely,  in  never  intruding  upon 


208  SALMAGUNDI. 

his  solitude ;  and  my  grandmother,  who  was  at  that  time  nursing 
my  mother,  never  left  the  room  without  wisely  putting  the  large 
family  bible  in  the  cradle ;  a  sure  talisman,  in  her  opinion,  against 
witchcraft  and  necromancy. 

One  stormy  winter  night,  when  a  bleak  north-east  wind  moaned 
about  the  cottages,  and  howled  around  the  village  steeple,  my 
grandfather  was  returning  from  club,  preceded  by  a  servant  with 
a  lantern.  Just  as  he  arrived  opposite  the  desolate  abode  of  the 
little  man  in  black,  he  was  arrested  by  the  piteous  howling  of  a 
dog,  which,  heard  in  the  pauses  of  a  storm,  was  exquisitely 
mournful ;  and  he  fancied  now  and  then,  that  he  caught  the  low 
and  broken  groans  of  some  one  in  distress. — He  stopped  for  some 
minutes,  hesitating  between  the  benevolence  of  his  heart  and  a 
sensation  of  genuine  delicacy,  which,  in  spite  of  his  eccentricity,  he 
fully  possessed, — and  which  forbade  him  to  pry  into  the  concerns 
of  his  neighbors.  Perhaps,  too,  this  hesitation  might  have  been 
strengthened  by  a  little  taint  of  superstition ;  for  surely,  if  the  un 
known  had  been  addicted  to  witchcraft,  this  was  a  most  propitious 
night  for  his  vagaries.  At  length  the  old  gentleman's  philan 
thropy  predominated ;  he  approached  the  hovel,  and  pushing  • 
open  the  door, — for  poverty  has  no  occasion  for  locks  and  keys, — 
beheld,  by  the  light  of  the  lantern,  a  scene  that  smote  his  generous 
heart  to  the  core. 

On  a  miserable  bed,  with  pallid  and  emaciated  visage  and  hol 
low  eyes ; — in  a  room  destitute  of  every  convenience  ; — without 
fire  to  warm  or  friend  to  console  him,  lay  this  helpless  mortal,  who 
had  been  so  long  the  terror  and  wonder  of  the  village.  His  dog 
was  crouching  on  the  scanty  coverlet,  and  shivering  with  cold. 
My  grandfather  stepped  softly  and  hesitatingly  to  the  bed-side, 
and  accosted  the  forlorn  sufferer  in  his  usual  accents  of  kindness. 
The  little  man  in  black  seemed  recalled  by  the  tones  of  compas 
sion  from  the  lethargy  into  which  he  had  fallen ;  for,  though  his 
heart  was  almost  frozen,  there  was  yet  one  chord  that  answered 
to  the  call  of  the  good  old  man  who  bent  over  him ;  the  tones  of 
sympathy  so  novel  to  his  ear,  called  back  his  wandering  senses, 
and  acted  like  a  restorative  to  his  solitary  feelings. 

He  raised  his  eyes,  but  they  were  vacant  and  haggard ; — he 
put  forth  his  hand,  but  it  was  cold ;  he  essayed  to  speak,  but  the 
sound  died  away  in  his  throat; — he  pointed  to  his  mouth  with  an 
expression  of  dreadful  meaning,  and,  sad  to  relate !  my  grand 
father  understood  that  the  harmless  stranger,  deserted  by  society, 
was  perishing  with  hunger ! — with  the  quick  impulse  of  humanity 
he  despatched  the  servant  to  the  hall  for  refreshment.  A  little 
warm  nourishment  renovated  him  for  a  short  time,  but  not  long ; 
— it  was  evident  his  pilgrimage  was  drawing  to  a  close,  and  lie 
was  about  entering  that  peaceful  asylum,  where  "  the  wicked 
cease  from  troubling." 

His  tale  of  misery  was  short  and  quickly  told ;  infirmities  had 
stolen  upon  him,  heightened  by  the  rigors  of  the  season  :  he  had 


•  *•-._•»        •  < 

SALMAGUNDI.  209 

taken  to  his  bed  without  strength  to  rise  and  ask  for  assistance ; 
— "and  if  I  had,"  said  he,  in  a  tone  of  bitter  despondency,  "to 
whom  should  I  have  applied  ?  I  have  no  friend  that  I  know  of  in 
the  world  I — the  villagers  avoid  me  as  something  loathsome  and 
dangerous ;  and  here,  in  the  midst  of  Christians,  should  I  have 
perished,  without  a  fellow  being  to  soothe  the  last  moments  of  ex 
istence,  and  close  my  dying  eyes,  had  not  the  howlings  of  my 
faithful  dog  excited  your  attention." 

He  seemed  deeply  sensible  of  the  kindness  of  my  grandfather ; 
and  at  one  time  as  he  looked  up  into  his  old  benefactor's  face,  a 
solitary  tear  was  observed  to  steal  adown  the  parched  furrows  of 
his  cheek— poor  outcast ! — it  was  the  last  tear  he  shed ;— but  I 
warrant  it  was  not  the  first  by  millions !  my  grandfather  watched 
by  him  all  night.  Towards  morning  he  gradually  declined ;  and 
as  the  rising  sun  gleamed  through  the  window,  he  begged  to  be 
raised  in  his  bed  that  he  might  look  at  it  for  the  last  time.  He 
contemplated  it  for  a  moment  with  a  kind  of  religious  enthusiasm, 
and  his  lips  moved  as  if  engaged  in  prayer.  The  strange  conjec 
tures  concerning  him  rushed  on  my  grandfather's  mind :  "  he  is 
an  idolatorl"  thought  he,  "and  is  worshipping  the  sun  1" — He 
listened  a  moment  and  blushed  at  his  own  uncharitable  suspicion ; 
he  was  only  engaged  in  the  pious  devotions  of  a  Christian.  His 
simple  orison  being  finished,  the  little  man  in  black  withdrew  his 
eyes  from  the  east,  and  taking  my  grandfather's  hand  in  one  of 
his,  and  making  a  motion  with  the  other  towards  the  sun ; — "  I 
love  to  contemplate  it,"  said  he,  "  'tis  an  emblem  of  the  universal 
benevolence  of  a  true  Christian ; — and  it  is  the  most  glorious 
work  of  him,  who  is  philanthropy  itself!"  My  grandfather 
blushed  still  deeper  at  his  ungenerous  surmises ;  he  had  pitied  the 
stranger  at  first,  but  now  he  revered  him  : — he  turned  once  more 
to  regard  him,  but  his  countenance  had  undergone  a  change; — 
the  holy  enthusiasm  that  had  lighted  up  each  feature,  had  given 
place  to  an  expression  of  mysterious  import ; — a  gleam  of  grandeur 
seemed  to  steal  across  his  Gothic  visage,  and  he  appeared  full  of 
some  mighty  secret  which  he  hesitated  to  impart.  He  raised  the 
tattered  nightcap  that  had  sunk  almost  over  his  eyes,  and  waving 
his  withered  hand  with  a  slow  and  feeble  expression  of  dignity, 
— "In me,"  said  he,  with  laconic  solemnity, — "in  me  vou  behold 
the  last  descendant  of  the  renowned  Linkum  Fidelius!"  My 
grandfather  gazed  at  him  with  reverence;  for  though  he  had 
never  heard  of  the  illustrious  personage,  thus  pompously  an 
nounced,  yet  there  was  a  certain  black-letter  dignity  -in  the  name 
that  peculiarly  struck  his  fancy  and  commanded  his  respect. 

"  You  have  been  kind  to  me,"  continued  the  little  man  in  black, 
after  a  momentary  pause,  "  and  richly  will  I  requite  your  kind 
ness  by  making  you  heir  to  my  treasures !  In  yonder  large  deal 
box  are  the  volumes  of  my  illustrious  ancestor,  of  which  I  alone  am 
the  fortunate  possessor.  Inherit  them,  ponder  over  them,  and  be 
wisel"  He  grew  faint  with  the  exertion  he  had  made,  and  sunk 
14 


SALMAGUNDI. 

•-i    a-*-"" 

back  almost  breathless  on  his  pillow.  His  hand,  which,  inspired 
with  the  importance  of  his  subject,  he  had  raised  to  my  grand 
father's  arm,  slipped  from  its  hold  and  fell  over  the  side  of  the 
bed,  and  his  faithful  dog  licked  it,  as  if  anxious  to  soothe  the  last 
moments  of  his  dying  master  and  testify  his  gratitude  to  the  hand 
that  had  so  often  cherished  him.  The  untaught  caresses  of  the 
faithful  animal  were  not  lost  upon  his  dying  master ; — he  raised 
his  languid  eyes, — turned  them  on  the  dog,  then  on  my  grand 
father;  and  having  given  this  silent  recommendation — closed 
them  for  ever. 

The  remains  of  the  little  man  in  black,  notwithstanding  the 
objections  of  many  pious  people,  were  decently  interred  in  the 
church -yard  of  the  village;  and  his  spirit,  harmless  as  the  body  it 
once  animated,  has  never  been  known  to  molest  a  living  bting. 
My  grandfather  complied,  as  far  as  possible,  with  his  last  request ; 
ho  conveyed  the  volumes  of  Lirikum  Fidelius  to  his  library ; — he 
pondered  over  them  frequently: — but  whether  he  grew  wiser, 
the  tradition  doth  not  mention.  This  much  is  certain,  that  his 
kindness  to  the  poor  descendant  of  Fidelius  was  amply  rewarded 
by  the  approbation  of  his  own  heart,  and  the  devoted  attachment 
of  the  old  turnspit;  who  transferring  his  affection  from  his 
deceased  master  to  his  benefactor,  became  his  constant  attendant, 
and  was  father  to  a  long  line  of  runty  curs  that  still  nourish  in 
the  family.  And  thus  was  the  Cockloft  library  first  enriched  by 
the  invaluable  folios  of  the  sage  LINKUM  FIDELIUS 


LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELT  KHAN,  TO 
ASEM  HACCHEM,  PRINCIPAL  SLAVE-DRIVER  TO  HIS 
HIGHNESS  THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

THOUGH  I  am  often  disgusted,  my  good  Asem,  with  the  vices 
and  absurdities  of  the  men  of  this  country,  yet  the  women 
afford  me  a  world  of  amusement.  Their  lively  prattle  is  as 
diverting  as  the  chattering  of  the  red-tailed  parrot ;  nor  can  the 
green-headed  monkey  of  Timandi  equal  them  in  whim  and  play 
fulness.  But,  notwithstanding  these  valuable  qualifications,  I  am 
*ornr  frfcobrpEye  they  are  not  treated  with  h?lf  ±h»  .attenf.^ 
bestowed  on  the  before  mentioned  animals.  x  These  infidels  put 
their  parrots  in  flit^ij  uM  Chain  their  monkeys ;  hnpi^oir  whi^S! 
'  ^  - -"Qraglfci,  flre 


Fun^LIUUt  iii'jJUi'fucrrreedom!  lilovn^fr  T^^pj^ff  inlmflj/y  ^^' 
comes,  Asem7  ot  "treating  their  women  as  rational  beings,  and 
)wing  them  souls.  The  consequence  of  this  piteous  neglect 


SALMAGUNDI.  211 

may  easily  be  imagined;  they  have  degenerated  intoall  their 
native  wildness,  are  seldom  to  be  caught  at  home,  and7afan'e"aiTy* 
age,  tafeto  tne  streets  and  highways,  where  they  rove  about  in 
droves,  giving  almost  as  much  annoyance  to  the  peaceable  people 
as  the  troops  of  wild  dogs  that  infest  our  great  cities,  or  the 
flights  of  locusts  that  sometimes  spread  famine  and  desolation 
over  whole  regions  of  fertility. 

This  propensity  to  relapse  into  pristine  wildness,  convinces  me  of 
the  untameable  disposition  of  the  sex,  who  may  indeed  be  partially 
domesticated  by  a  long  course  of  confinement  and  restraint,  but 
the  moment  they  are  restored  to  personal  freedom,  become  wild 
as  the  young  partridge  of  this  country,  which,  though  scarcely 
half-hatched,  will  take  to  the  fields  and  run  about  with  the  shell 
upon  its  back. 

Notwithstanding  their  wildness,  however,  they  are  remarkably 
easy  of  access,  and  suffer  themselves  to  be  approached,  at  certain 
hours  of  the  day,  without  any  symptoms  of  apprehension :  and  I 
have  even  happily  succeeded  in  detecting  them  at  their  domestic 
occupations.  One  of  the  most  important  of  these,  consists  in 
thumping  vehemently  on  a  kind  of  musical  instrument,  and  pro 
ducing  a  conjiised,  ^°m  ^  Jnr)ofinnHe  uproar,  which  they  | 
gall  the  description  oT  a  battle ; — a  jest,  no  doubt,  for  they  are 
wbnaeriuiiy  facetious  ar  times",  and  make  great  practice  of  passing 
jokes  upon  strangers.  Sometimes  they  employ  themselves  in 
painting  little  caricatures  of  landscapes,  wherein  they  display 
their  singular  drollery  in  bantering  nature  fairly  out  of  counte 
nance  ;  representing  her  tricked  out  in  all  the  tawdry  finery  of 
copper  skies,  purple  rivers,  calico  rocks,  red  grass,  clouds  that  look 
like  old  clothes  set  adrift  by  the  tempest,  and  foxy  trees,  whose 
melancholy  foliage,  drooping  and  curling  most  fantastically,  reminds 
me  of  an  undressed  peYiwig  that  I  have,-«ow  and  then,  seen 
hung  on  a  stick  in  a  barber's  window.  At  other  times,  they  em 
ploy  themselves  in  acquiring^,  smattering  of  languages  spoken 
by  nations  on  the  other  sideof  the  globe,  as  they  find  their  own 
language  not  sufficiently  copious  to  supply  their  constant  de 
mands,  and  express  their  multifarious  ideas.  But  their  most  im 
portant  domestic  avocation  is,  to  embroider,  on  satin  pr-ma'slm, 
flowers  of  a  nondescript  kind,  in  which  the  great  art  is  to  make 
them  as.unlike  na±]]rp  as  possible  ^-or  to  fasten  little  bits  of 
silver,  goldVVnsel  ana  glass,  on  long  strips  of  muslin,  which  they 
drag  after  them  with  much  dignity  whenever  they  go  abroad ; — a 
fine  lady,  like  a  bird  of  paradise,  being  estimated  by  the  length 
of  her  tail. 

But  do  not,  my  friend,  fall  into  the  enormous  error  of  supposing, 
that  the  exercise  of  these  arts  is  attended  with  any  useful  or  pro 
fitable  results ; — believe  me,  thou  couldst  not  indulge  an  idea 
more  unjust  and  injurious ;  for  it  appears  to  be  an  established 
maxim  among  the  women  of  this  country,  that  a  la(jy  loses  her 
dignity  when  she  condescends  to  be  useful »  and  forfeits  all  ranlT 


212  SALM  AG  UNDI. 

in  society  the  moment  she  can  be  convicted  of  earning  a  farthing. 
Their  labors,  therefore,  are  directed  not  towards  supplying  their 
household,  but  in  decking  their  persons,  and — generous  souls — 
they  deck  their  persons,  not  so  much  to  please  themselves,  as  to 
gratify  others,  particularly  strangers.  I  am  confident  thou  wilt 
stare  at  this,  my  good  Asem,  accustomed  as  thou  art  to  our  east 
ern  females,  who  shrink  in  blushing  timidity  even  from  the  glance 
of  a  lover,  and  are  so  chary  of  their  favors,  that  they  even  seem 
fearful  of  lavishing  their  smiles  too  profusely  on  their  husbands. 
Here,  on  the  contrary,  the  stranger  has  the  first  place  in  female 
regard,  and,  so  far  do  they  carry  their  hospitality,  that  I  have  seen 
a  line  lady  slight  a  dozen  tried  friends  and  real  admirers,  who 
lived  in  her  smiles  and  made  her  happiness  their  study,  merely  to 
allure  the  vague  and  wandering  glances  of  a  stranger,  who  viewed 
her  person  with  indifference,  and  treated  her  advances  with  con 
tempt.  By  the  whiskers  of  our  sublime  bashaw,  but  this  is  highly 
flattering  to  a  foreigner!  and  thou  mayest  judge  how  particularly 
pleasing  to  one  who  is,  like  myself,  so  ardent  an  admirer  of  the 
sex.  Far  be  it  from  me  to  condemn  this  extraordinary  manifes 
tation  of  good  will — let  their  own  countrymen  look  to  that. 

Be  not  alarmed,  I  conjure  thee,  my  dear  Asem,.lest  I  should  be 
tempted,  by  these  beautiful  barbarians,  to  break  the  faith  I  owe 
to  the  three-and-twenty  wives,  froni  whom  my  unhappy  destiny 
has  perhaps  severed  me  for  ever; — no,  Asem,  neither  time,  nor 
the  bitter  succession  of  misfortunes  that  pursues  me,  can  shake 
from  my  heart  the  memory  of  former  attachments.  I  listen  with 
tranquil  heart  to  the  strumming  and  prattling  of  these  fair  syrens ; 
their  whimsical  paintings  touch  not  the  tender  chord  of  my  affec 
tions  ;  and  I  would  still  defy  their  fascinations,  though  they  trailed 
after  them  trails  as  long  as  the  gorgeous  trappings  which  are 
dragged  at  the  heels  of  the  holy  camel  of  Mecca :  or  as  the  tail 
of  the  great  beast  in  our  prophet's  vision,  which  measured  three 
hundred  and  forty-nine  leagues,  two  miles,  three  furlongs,  and  a 
hand's  .breadth  in  longitude. 

The  dress  of  these  women  is,  if  possible,  more  eccentric  and 
whimsical  than  their  deportment ;  and  they  take  an  inordinate 
pride  in  certain  ornaments  which  are  probably  derived  from  their 
savage  progenitors.  A  woman  of  this  country,  dressed  out  for 
an  exhibition,  is  loaded  with  as  many  ornaments  as  a  Circassian 
slave  when  brought  out  fdf  sale.  Their  heads  are  tricked  out 
with  little  bits  of  horn  or  shell,  cut  into  fantastic  shapes,  and  they 
seem  to  emulate  each  other  in  the  number  of  these  singular 
baubles: — like  the  women  we  have  seen  in  our  journeys  to 
Aleppo,  who  cover  their  heads  with  the  entire  shell  of  a  tortoise, 
and,  thus  equipped,  are  the  envy  of  all  their  less  fortunate  ac 
quaintance.  They  also  decorate  their  necks  and  ears  with  coral, 
gold  chains,  and  glass  beads,  and  load  their  fingers  with  a  variety 
of  rings :  though,  I  must  confess,  I  have  never  perceived  that 
they  wear  any  in  their  noses — as  has  been  affirmed  by  many 


SALMAGUNDI.  213 

travellers.  "We  have  heard  much  of  their  painting  themselves 
most  hideously,  and  making  use  of  bear's  grease  in  great  profu 
sion  :  but  this,  I  solemnly  assure  thee,  is  a  misrepresentation ; 
civilization,  no  doubt,  having  gradually  extirpated  these  nauseous 
practices.  It  is  true,  I  have  seen  two  or  three  of  these  females, 
who  had  disguised  their  features  with  paint ;  but  then  it  was 
merely  to  give  a  tinge  of  red  to  their  cheeks,  and  did  not  look 
very  frightful ;  and  as  to  ointment,  they  rarely  use  any  now, 
except  occasionally  a  little  Grecian  oil  for  their  hair,  which  gives 
it  a  glossy,  greasy,  and,  they  think,  very  comely  appearance.  The 
last  mentioned  class  of  females,  I  take  it  for  granted,  have  been 
but  lately  caught,  and  still  retain  strong  traits  of  their  original 
savage  propensities. 

The  most  flagrant  and  inexcusable  fault,  however,  which  I 
find  in  these  lovely  savages,  is  the  shameless  and  abandoned  ex 
posure  of  their  persons.  Wilt  thou  not  suspect  me  of  exaggera 
tion  when  I  affirm ; — wilt  thou  not  blush  for  them,  most  discreet 
Mussulman,  when  I  declare  to  thee,  that  they  are  so  lost  to  all 
sense  of  modesty,  as  to  expose  the  whole  of  their  faces  from  their 
forehead  to  the  chin,  and  they  even  go  abroad  with  their  hands 
uncovered !  Monstrous  indelicacy  I 

But  what  I  am  going  to  disclose,  will,  doubtless,  appear  to  thee 
still  more  incredible.  Though  I  cannot  forbear  paying  a  tribute 
of  admiration  to  the  beautiful  faces  of  these  fair  infidels,  yet  I 
must  give  it  as  my  firm  opinion,  that  their  persons  are  preposter 
ously  unseemly.  In  vain  did  I  look  around  me,  on  my  first  land 
ing,  for  those  divine  forms  of  redundant  proportions,  which 
answer  to  the  true  standard  of  eastern  beauty ; — not  a  single  fat 
fair  one  could  I  behold  among  the  multitudes  that  thronged  the 
streets ;  the  females  that  passed  in  review  before  me,  tripping 
sportively  along,  resembled  a  procession  of  shadows,- rAljjrninff  ta 
their  graves^at  the  crowmg  6t  the  cock. 

This  meagreness  I  first  ascribed  to  their  excessive  Yft1nh;il'fYt~ 
for  I  ha^e  somewhere  seen  it  advanced  by  a  learned  doctor,  that 
the  sex  were  endowed  with  a  peculiar  activity  of  tongue,  in 
order  that  they  might  practise  talking  as  a  healthful  exercise, 
necessary  to  their  confined  and  sedentary  mode  of  life.  This  ex 
ercise,  it  was  natural  to  suppose,  would  be  carried  to  great  excess 
in  a  logocracy — "Too  true,"  thought  I,  "they  have  converted, 
what  was  undoubtedly  meant  as  a  betfeficent  gift,  into  a  noxious 
habit,  that  steals  the  flesh  from  their  bones  and  the  rose  from 
their  cheeks — they  absolutely  talk  themselves  thin  1"  Judge  then 
of  my  surprise  when  I  was  assured,  not  long  since,  that  this 
meagreness  was  considered  the  perfection  of  personal  beauty,  and 
that  many  a  lady  starved  herself,  with  all  the  obstinate  persever 
ance  of  a  pious  dervise — into  a  fine  figure! — "Nay,  more,"  said 
my  informer,  "they  will  often  sacrifice  their  healths  in  this  eager 
pursuit  of  skeleton  beauty,  and  drink  vinegar,  eat  pickles,  and 
smoke  tobacco,  to  keep  themselves  within  the  scanty  outlines  of 


214  SALMAGUNDI. 

the  fashions."  Faugh!  Allah  preserve  me  from  such  beauties, 
who  contaminate  their  pure  blood  with  noxious  receipts;  who 
impiously  sacrifice  the  best  gifts  of  Heaven,  to  a  preposterous  and 
mistaken  vanity.  Ere  long  I  shall  not  be  surprised  to  see  them 
scarring  their  faces  like  the  negroes  of  Congo,  flattening  their 
noses  in  imitation  of  the  Hottentots,  or  like  the  barbarians  of 
Ab-al  Timar,  distorting  their  lips  and  ears  out  of  all  natural 
dimensions.  Since  I  received  this  information,  I  cannot  contem 
plate  a  fine  figure,  without  thinking  of  a  vinegar  cruet ;  nor  look 
at  a  dashing  belle,  without  fancying  her  a  pot  of  pickled  cucum 
bers  !  What  a  difference,  my  friend,  between  these  shades  and  the 
plump  beauties  of  Tripoli, — what  a  contrast  between  an  infidel 
fair  one  and  my  favorite  wife  Fatima,  whom  I  bought  by  the 
hundred  weight,  and  had  trundled  home  in  a  wheel-barrow  1 

But  enough  for  the  present  ,•  I  am  promised  a  faithful  account 
of  the  arcana  of  a  lady's  toilette — a  complete  initiation  into  the 
arts,  mysteries,  spells  and  potions ;  in  short,  the  whole  chymical 
process  by  which  she  reduces  herself  down  to  the  most  fashiona 
ble  standard  of  insignificance:  together  with  specimens  of  the  strait 
waistcoats,  the  lacings,  the  bandages,  and  the  various  ingenious 
instruments  with  which  she  puts  nature  to  the  rack,  and  tortures 
herself  into  a  proper  figure  to  be  admired. 

Farewell,  thou  sweetest  of  slave-drivers !  the  echoes  that  re 
peat  to  a  lover's  ear  the  song  of  his  mistress,  are  not  more  sooth 
ing  than  tidings  from  those  we  love.  Let  thy  answer  to  my 
letters  be  speedy ;  and  never,  I  pray  thee,  for  a  moment,  cease  to 
watch  over  the  prosperity  of  my  house,  and  the  welfare  of  my 
beloved  wives.  Let  them  want  for  nothing,  my  friend ;  but  feed 
them  plentifully  on  honey,  boiled  rice  and  water  gruel;  so  that 
when  I  return  to  the  blessed  land  of  my  fathers,  if  that  can  ever 
be !  I  may  find  them  improved  in  size  andloveliness,  and  sleek  as 
the  graceful  elephants  that  range  the  grefe  valley  of  Abimar. 

Ever  thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 


SALMAGUNDI.  !215 


NO.  XIX.— THUKSDAY,  DEC.  31,  1807. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

HAVING  returned  to  town,  and  once  more  formally  taken  pos 
session  of  my  elbow-chair,  it  behooves  me  to  discard  the  rural 
feelings,  and  the  rural  sentiments,  in  which  I  have  for  some  time 
past  indulged,  and  devote  myself  more  exclusively  to  the  edifica 
tion  of  the  town.  As  I  feel  at  this  moment  a  chivalric  spark  of 
gallantry  playing  around  my  heart,  and  one  of  those  dulcet 
emotions  of  cordiality,  which  an  old  bachelor  will  sometimes  en 
tertain  towards  the  divine  sex,  I  am  determined  to  gratify  the 
sentiment  for  once,  arid  devote  this  number  exclusively  to  the 
ladies.  I  would  not,  however,  have  our  fair  readers  imagine  that 
we  wish  to  flatter  ourselves  into  their  good  graces ;  devoutly  as 
we  adore  them ! — and  what  true  cavalier  does  not  ? — and  heartily 
as  we  desire  to  flourish  in  the  mild  sunshine  of  their  smiles,  yet  we 
scorn  to  insinuate  ourselves  into  their  favor ;  unless  it  be  as  honest 
friends,  sincere  well  wishers,  and  disinterested  advisers.  If  in  the 
course  of  this  number  they  find  us  rather  prodigal  of  our  enco 
miums,  they  will  have  the  modesty  to  ascribe  it  to  the  excess  of 
their  own  merits  ; — if  they  find  us  extemely  indulgent  to  their 
faults,  they  will  impute  it  rather  to  the  superabundance  of  our 
good  nature,  than  to  any  servile  and  illiberal  fear  of  giving  offence. 

The  following  letter  of  Mustapha  falls  in  exactly  with  the  cur 
rent  of  my  purpose.  As  I  have  before  mentioned  that  his  letters 
are  without  dates,  we  are  obliged  to  give  them  very  irregularly, 
without  any  regard  to  chronological  order. 

The  present  one  appears  to  have  been  written  not  long  after  his 
arrival,  and  antecedent  to  several  already  published.  It  is  more 
in  the  familiar  and  colloquial  style  than  the  others.  Will  Wizard 
declares  he  has  translated  it  with  fidelity,  excepting  that  he  has 
omitted  several  remarks  on  the  waltz,  which  the  honest  Mussul 
man  eulogizes  with  great  enthusiasm ;  comparing  it  to  certain 
voluptuous  dances  of  the  seraglio.  Will  regretted  exceedingly, 
that  the  indelicacy  of  several  of  these  observations  compelled  their 
total  exclusion,  as  he  wishes  to  give  all  possible  encouragement 
to  this  popular  and  amiable  exhibition 


216  SALMAGUNDI. 

LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELT  KHAN, 
TO  MULEY  HELIM  AL  RAGGI,  SURNAMED  THE 
AGREEABLE  RAGAMUFFIN,  CHIEF  MOUNTEBANK 
AND  BUFF A-D ANGER  TO  HIS  HIGHNESS. 

THE  numerous  letters  which  I  have  written  to  our  friend  the 
slave  driver,  as  well  as  those  to  thy  kinsman  THE  SNORER,  and 
which,  doubtless,  were  read  to  thee,  honest  Muley,  have,  in  all 
probability,  awakened  thy  curiosity  to  know  further  particulars 
concerning  the  manners  of  the  barbarians,  who  hold  me  in  such 
ignominious  captivity.  I  was  lately  at  one  of  their  public  cere 
monies,  which,  at  first,  perplexed  me  exceedingly  as  to  its  object ; 
but  as  the  explanations  of  a  friend  have  let  me  somewhat  into  the 
secret,  and  as  it  seems  to  bear  no  small  analogy  to  thy  profession, 
a  description  of  it  may  contribute  to  thy  amusement,  if  not  to  thy 
instruction. 

A  few  days  since,  just  as  I  had  finished  my  coffee,  and  was  per 
fuming  my  whiskers,  preparatory  to  a  morning  walk,  I  was  waited 
upon  by  an  inhabitant  of  this  place,  a  gay  young  infidel,  who  has 
of  late  cultivated  my  acquaintance.  He  presented  me  with  a 
square  bit  of  painted  pasteboard,  which,  he  informed  me,  would 
entitle  me  to  admittance  to  the  CITY  ASSEMBLY.  Curious  to  know 
the  meaning  of  a  phrase,  which  was  entirely  new  to  me,  I  requested 
an  explanation ;  when  my  friend  informed  me,  that  the  assembly, 
was  a  numerous  concourse  of  young  people  of  both  sexes,  who,  on 
certain  occasions,  gathered  together  to  dance  about  a  large  room 
with  violent  gesticulation,  and  try  to  out-dress  each  other.  "  In 
short,"  said  he,  "if  you  wish  to  see  the  natives  in  all  their  glory, 
there's  no  place  like  the  City  Assembly ;  so  you  must  go  there,  and 
sport  your  whiskers."  Though  the  matter  of  sporting  my  whis 
kers,  was  considerably  above  my  apprehension,  yet  I  now  began, 
as  I  thought,  to  understand  him.  I  had  heard  of  the  war  dances 
of  the  natives,  which  are  a  kind  of  religious  institution,  and  had 
little  doubt  but  that  this  must  be  a  solemnity  of  the  kind — upon  a 
prodigious  great  scale.  Anxious  as  I  am  to  contemplate  these 
strange  people  in  every  situation,  I  willingly  acceded  to  his  pro 
posal,  and,  to  be  the  more  at  ease,  I  determined  to  lay  aside  my 
Turkish  dress,  and  appear  in  plain  garments  of  the  fashion  of  this 
country ;  as  is  my  custom  whenever  I  wish  to  mingle  in  a  crowd 
without  exciting  the  attention  of  the  gaping  multitude. 

It  was  long  after  the  shades  of  night  had  fallen  before  my  friend 
appeared  to  conduct  me  to  the  assembly.  "These  infidels," 
thought  I,  "shroud  themselves  in  mystery,  and  seek  the  aid  of 
gloom  and  darkness,  to  heighten  the  solemnity  of  their  pious 
orgies."  Resolving  to  conduct  myself  with  that  decent  respect, 
which  every  stranger  owes  to  the  customs  of  the  land  in  which  he 
sojourns,  I  chastised  my  features  into  an  expression  of  sober  reve 
rence,  and  stretched  my  face  into  a  degree  of  longitude  suitable  to 
the  ceremony  I  was  about  to  witness.  Spite  of  myself,  I  felt  an 


SAL.MAGUNDI.  217 

emotion  of  awe  stealing  over  my  senses  as  I  approached  the  ma 
jestic  pile.  My  imagination  pictured  something  similar  to  a 
descent  into  the  cave  of  Dom-Daniel,  where  the  necromancers  of 
the  east  are  taught  their  infernal  arts.  I  entered  with  the  same 
gravity  of  demeanor  that  I  would  have  approached  the  holy  tem 
ple  at  Mecca,  and  bowed  my  head  three  times  as  I  passed  the 
threshold.  "Head  of  the  mighty  Amroul"  thought  I,  on  being 
ushered  into  a  splendid  saloon,  "  what  a  display  is  here !  surely  I 
am  transported  to  the  mansions  of  the  Houris,  the  elysium  of  the 
faithfull" — How  tame  appeared  all  the  descriptions  of  enchanted 
palaces  in  our  Arabian  poetry ! — wherever  I  turned  my  eyes,  the 
quick  glances  of  beauty  dazzled  my  vision  and  ravished  my  heart ; 
lovely  virgins  fluttered  by  me,  darting  imperial  looks  of  conquest, 
or  beaming  such  smiles  of  invitation,  as  did  Gabriel  when  he  beck 
oned  our  holy  prophet  to  Heaven.  Shall  I  own  the  weakness  of 
thy  friend,  good  Muley? — while  thus  gazing  on  the  enchanted 
scene  before  me,  I,  for  a  moment,  forgot  my  country ;  and  even  the 
memory  of  my  three-and-twenty  wives  faded  from  my  heart ;  my 
thoughts  were  bewildered  and  led  astray  by  the  charms  of  these 
bewitcliing  savages,  and  I  sunk,  for  a  while,  into  that  delicious 
state  of  mind,  where  the  senses,  all  enchanted,  and  all  striving  for 
mastery,  produce  an  endless  variety  of  tumultuous,  yet  pleasing 
emotions.  Oh,  Muley,  never  shall  I  again  wonder  that  an  infidel 
should  prove  a  recreant  to  the  single  solitary  wife  allotted  him, 
when,  even  thy  friend,  armed  with  all  the  precepts  of  Mahomet, 
can  so  easily  prove  faithless  to  three-and-twenty ! 

"  Whither  have  you  led  me  ?"  said  I,  at  length,  to  my  compa 
nion,  "  and  to  whom  do  these  beautiful  creatures  belong  ?  Certain 
ly  this  must  be  the  seraglio  of  the  grand  bashaw  of  the  city,  and 
a  most  happy  bashaw  must  he  be,  to  possess  treasures  which  even 
his  highness  of  Tripoli  cannot  parallel."  "  Have  a  care,"  cried  my 
companion,  "  how  you  talk  about  seraglios,  or  you'll  have  all  these 
gentle  nymphs  about  your  ears;  for  seraglio  is  a  word  which, 
beyond  all  others,  they  abhor; — most  of  them,  "continued  he,  "have 
no  lord  and  master,  but  come  here  to  catch  one — they're  in  the 
market,  as  we  term  it."  "All,  hah!"  said  I,  exultingly,  "then 
you  really  have  a  fair,  or  slave-market,  such  as  we  have  in  the 
east,  where  the  faithful  are  provided  with  the  choicest  virgins  of 

Georgia  and  Circassia  ? by  our  glorious  sun  of  Afric,  but  I 

should  like  to  select  some  ten  or  a  dozen  wives  from  so  lovely  an 
assemblage !  Pray,  what  would  you  suppose  they  might  be  bought 
for?" 

Before  I  could  receive  an  answer,  my  attention  was  attracted 
by  two  or  three  good  looking  middle  sized  men,  who  being 
dressed  in  black,  a  color  universally  worn  in  this  country  by  the 
muftis  and  dervises,  I  immediately  concluded  to  be  high-priests, 
and  was  confirmed  in  my  original  opinion  that  this  was  a  religious 
ceremony.  These  reverend  personages  are  entitled  managers, 
and  enjoyed  unlimited  authority  in  the  assemblies,  being  armed 


218  SALMAGUNDI. 

with  swords,  with  which,  I  am  told,  they  would  infallibly  put  any 
lady  to  death,  who  infringed  the  laws  of  the  temple.  They 
walked  round  the  room  with  great  solemnity,  and,  with  an  air  of 
profound  importance  and  mystery,  put  a  little  piece  of  folded 
paper  in  each  fair  hand,  which  I  concluded  were  religious 
talismans.  One  of  them  dropped  on  the  floor,  whereupon  I  slily 
put  my  foot  on  it,  and,  watching  an  opportunity,  picked  it  up 
unobserved,  and  found  it  to  contain  some  unintelligible  words  and 
the  mystic  number  9.  What  were  its  virtues  I  know  not;  except 
that  I  put  it  in  my  pocket,  and  have  hitherto  been  preserved 
from  my  fit  of  the  lumbago,  which  I  generally  have  about  this 
season  of  the  year,  ever  since  I  tumbled  into  the  well  of  Zim-zim 
on  my  pilgrimage  to  Mecca.  I  enclose  it  to  thee  in  this  letter, 
presuming  it  to  be  particularly  serviceable  against  the  dangers  of 
thy  profession. 

Shortly  after  the  distribution  of  these  talismans,  one  of  the 
high  priests  stalked  into  the  middle  of  the  room  with  great 
majesty,  and  clapped  his  hands  three  times ;  a  loud  explosion  of 
music  succeeded  from  a  number  of  black,  yellow,  and  white 
musicians,  perched  in  a  kind  of  cage  over  the  grand  entrance. 
The  company  were  thereupon  thrown  into  great  confusion  arid 
apparent  consternation. — They  hurried  to  and  fro  about  the  room, 
and  at  length  formed  themselves  into  little  groups  of  eight 
persons,  half  male  and  half  female ; — the  music  struck  into 
something  like  harmony,  and,  in  a  moment,  to  my  utter  astonish 
ment  arid  dismay,  they  were  all  seized  with  what  I  concluded  to 
be  a  paroxysm  of  religious  phrenzy,  tossing  about  their  heads  in 
a  ludicrous  style  from  side  to  side,  and  indulging  in  extravagant 
contortions  of  figure ; — now  throwing  their  heels  into  the  air,  and 
anon  whirling  round  with  the  velocity  of  the  eastern  idolaters, 
who  think  they  pay  a  grateful  homage  to  the  sun  by  imitating  his 
motions.  I  expected  every  moment  to  see  them  fall  down  in 
convulsions,  foam  at  the  mouth,  and  shriek  with  fancied  in 
spiration.  As  usual  the  females  seemed  most  fervent  in  their 
religious  exercises,  and  performed  them  with  a  melancholy 
expression  of  feature  that  was  peculiarly  touching;  but  I  was 
highly  gratified  by  the  exemplary  conduct  of  several  male  devotees, 
who  though  their  gesticulations  would  intimate  a  wild  merriment 
of  the  feelings,  maintained  throughout  as  inflexible  a  gravity  of 
countenance  as  so  many  monkeys  of  the  island  of  Borneo  at  their 
anticks. 

"And  pray,"  said  I,  "  who  is  the  divinity  that  presides  in  this 

splendid  mosque?" "The  divinity! — oh,  I  understand — you 

mean  the  beUe  of  the  evening ;  we  have  a  new  one  every  season : 
the  one  at  present  in  fashion,  is  that  lady  you  see  yonder,  dressed 
in  white,  with  pink  ribands,  and  a  crowd  of  adorers  around  her." 
"Truly,"  cried  I,  "this  is  the  pleasantest  deity  I  have  encountered 
in  the  whole  course  of  my  travels ; — so  familiar,  so  condescending, 
and  so  merry  withal ; — why,  her  very  worshippers  take  her  by  the 


SALMAGUNDI.  219 

hand,   and  whisper  in    her  ear." "  My  good  Mussulman," 

replied  my  friend  with  great  gravity,  "  I  perceive  you  are  com 
pletely  in  an  error  concerning  the  intent  of  this  ceremony.  You 
are  now  in  a  place  of  public  amusement,  not  of  public  worship; — 
and  the  pretty  looking  young  men  you  see  making  such  violent 
and  grotesque  distortions,  are  merely  indulging  in  our  favorite 
amusement  of  dancing."  "I  cry  your  mercy,"  exclaimed  I,  "these 
then  are  the  dancing  men  and  women  of  the  town,  such  as  we 
have  in  our  principal  cities,  who  hire  themselves  out  for  the  ^ 
entertainment  of  the  wealthy ; — but,  pray  who  pays  them  for  this  \ 

fatiguing  exhibition  ?" My  friend  regarded  me  for  a  moment       • 

with  an  air  of  whimsical  perplexity,  as  if  doubtful  whether  I  was 

in  jest  or  earnest. "  'Sblood,  man,"  cried  he,  "  these  are  some  of 

our  greatest  people,  our  fashionables,  who  are  merely  dancing 
here  for  amusement." — Dancing  for  amusement!  think  of  that, 
Muley ! — thou,  whose  greatest  pleasure  is  to  chew  opium,  smoke 
tobacco,  loll  on  a  couch,  and  doze  thyself  into  the  regions  of  the 

Houris ! Dancing  for  amusement ! — shall  I  never  cease  having     • 

occasion  to  laugh  at  the  absurdities  of  these  barbarians,  who  are     \ 

Uhnrjnng   in  t.hpir  rpnr^tiqns,,  ajld  '"^llfMltiVTlly  IP  [ihfir  h™1™    »f  . 

business  T  I>andng  for  jimugement ! — the  very  idea  makes 

itry^BoBes  ache,  and~l  never  tfiink  of  it  without  being  obliged 
to  apply  my  handkerchief  to  my  forehead,  and  fan  myself  into 
some  degree  of  coolness. 

"And  pray,"  said  I,  when  my  astonishment  had  a  little  subsid 
ed,  "  do  these  musicians  also  toil  for  amusement,  or  are  they  con 
fined  to  their  cage,  like  birds,  to  sing  for  the  gratification  of 
others? — I*  should  think  the  former  was  the  case,  from  the  ani 
mation  with  which  they  flourish  their  elbows." — "  Not  so,"  replied 
my  friend,  "  they  are  well  paid,  which  is  no  more  than  just,  for 
I  assure  you  they  are  the  most  important  personages  in  the  room. 
The  fiddler  puts  the  whole  assembly  in  motion,  and  directs  their 
movements,  like  the  master  of  a  puppet-show,  who  sets  all  his 

pasteboard  gentry  kicking  by  a  jerk  of  his  fingers: there  now 

— look  at  that  dapper  little  gentleman  yonder,  who  appears  to  be 
suffering  the  pangs  of  dislocation  in  every  limb :  he  is  the  most 
expert  puppet  in  the  room,  and  performs,  not  so  much  for  his  own 
amusement,  as  for  that  of  the  by-standers." Just  then,  the  lit 
tle  gentleman,  having  finished  one  of  his  paroxysms  of  activity, 
seemed  to  be  looking  round  for  applause  from  the  spectators. 
Feeling  myself  really  much  obliged  to  him  for  his  exertions,  I 
made  him  a  low  bow  of  thanks,  but  nobody  followed  my  example, 
which  I  thought  a  singular  instance  of  ingratitude. 

Thou  wilt  perceive,  friend  Muley,  that  the  dancing  of  these 
barbarians  is  totally  different  from  the  science  professed  by  thee 
in  Tripoli ; — the  country,  in  fact,  is  afflicted  by  numerous  epide 
mical  diseases,  which  travel  from  house  to  house,  from  city  to 
city,  with  the  regularity  of  a  caravan.  Among  these,  the  most 
formidable  is  this  dancing  mania,  which  prevails  chiefly  through- 


i 


220  SALMAGUNDI. 

out  the  winter.  It  at  first  seized  on  a  few  people  of  fashion,  and 
being  indulged  in  moderation,  was  a  cheerful  exercise ;  but  in  a 
little  time,  by  quick  advances,  it  infected  all  classes  of  the  com 
munity,  and  became  a  raging  epidemic.  The  doctors  immediate 
ly,  as  is  their  usual  way,  instead  of  devising  a  remedy,  fell  toge 
ther  by  the  ears,  to  decide  whether  it  was  native  or  imported,  and 
the  sticklers  for  the  latter  opinion  traced  it  to  a  cargo  of  trumpery 
from  France,  as  they  had  before  hunted  down  the  yellow-fever  to 
a  bag  of  coffee  from  the  West  Indies.  What  makes  this  disease 
the  more  formidable  is,  that  the  patients  seem  infatuated  with 
their  malady,  abandon  themselves  to  its  unbounded  ravages,  and 
expose  their  persons  to  wintry  storms  and  midnight  airs,  more 
fatal,  in  this  capricious  climate,  than  the  withering  Simoom  blast 
of  the  desert. 

I  know  not  whether  it  is  a  sight  most  whimsical  or  melancholy 
to  witness  a  fit  of  this  dancing  malady.  The  lady  hops  up  to  the 
gentleman,  who  stands  at  the  distance  of  about  three  paces,  and 
then  capers  back  again  to  her  place ; — the  gentleman,  of  course, 
does  the  same ;  then  they  skip  one  way,  then  they  jump  another ; 
— then  they  turn  their  backs  to  each  other, — then  they  seize 
each  other  and  shake  hands ; — then  they  whirl  round,  and  throw 
themselves  into  a  thousand  grotesque  and  ridiculous  attitudes ; — 
sometimes  on  one  leg.  sometimes  on  the  other,  and  sometimes  on 
no  leg  at  all : — and  this  they  call  exhibiting  the  graces  !  By  the 
nineteen  thousand  capers  of  the  great  mountebank  of  Damascus, 
but  these  graces  must  be  something  like  the  crooked-backed 
dwarf  Shabrac,  who  is  sometimes  permitted  to  amuse  his  highness 
by  imitating  the  tricks  of  a  monkey.  These  fits  continue  at  short 
intervals  from  four  to  five  hours,  till  at  last  the  lady  is  led  off, 
faint,  languid,  exhausted,  and  panting,  to  her  carriage; — rattles 
home ; — passes  a  night  of  feverish  restlessness,  cold  perspirations, 
and  troubled  sleep ; — rises  late  next  morning,  if  she  rises  at  all, 
is  nervous,  petulant,  or  a  prey  to  languid  indifference  all  day ; — a 
mere  household  spectre,  neither  giving  nor  receiving  enjoyment ; 
in  the  evening  hurries  to  another  dance ; — receives  an  unnatural 
exhilaration  from  the  lights,  the  music,  the  crowd,  and  the  un 
meaning  bustle ; — flutters,  sparkles,  and  blooms  for  a  while,  until 
the  transient  delirium  being  past,  the  infatuated  maid  droops  and 
languishes  into  apathy  again ; — is  again  led  off  to  her  carriage, 
and  the  next  morning  rises  to  go  through  exactly  the  same  joyless 
routine. 

And  yet,  wilt  thou  believe  it,  my  dear  Raggi,  these  are  rational 
beings ;  nay,  more,  their  countrymen  would  fain  persuade  me 
they  have  souls  I  Is  it  not  a  thousand  times  to  be  lamented  that 
beings,  endowed  with  charms  that  might  warm  even  the  frigid 
heart  of  a  dervise — with  social  and  endearing  powers  that  would 
render  them  the  joy  and  pride  of  the  haram — should  surrender 
themselves  to  a  habit  of  heartless  dissipation,  which  preys  imper 
ceptibly  on  the  roses  of  the  cheek  •  which  robs  the  eye  of  its 


SALMAGUNDI.  221 

lustre,  the  mouth  of  its  dimpled  smile,  the  spirits  of  their  cheerful 
hilarity,  and  the  limbs  of  their  elastic  vigor ;  which  hurries  them 
off  in  the  spring  time  of  existence ;  or,  if  they  survive,  yields  to 
the  arms  of  a  youthful  bridegroom  a  frame  wrecked  in  the  storms 
of  dissipation,  and  struggling  with  premature  infirmity.  Alas, 
Muley !  may  I  not  ascribe  to  this  cause,  the  number  of  little  old 
women  I  meet  with  in  this  country,  from  the  age  of  eighteen  to 
eight-and-twenty  ? 

In  sauntering  down  the  room,  my  attention  was  attracted  by  a 
smoky  painting,  which,  on  nearer  examination,  I  found  consisted 
of  two  female  figures  crowning  a  bust  with  a  wreath  of  laurel. 
"This,  I  suppose,"  cried  I,  "was  some  famous  dancer  in  his 
time?"  "Oh,  no,"  replied  my  friend,  "he  was  only  a  general." 
"  Good ;  but  then  he  must  have  been  great  at  a  cotillion,  or  ex 
pert  at  a  fiddlestick,  or  why  is  his  memorial  here  ?"  "  Quite  the 
contrary,"  answered  my  companion,  "history  makes  no  mention 
of  his  ever  having  flourished  a  fiddlestick,  or  figured  in  a  single 
dance.  You  have,  no  doubt,  heard- of  him;  he  was  the  illustri 
ous  WASHINGTON,  the  father  and  deliverer  of  his  country ;  and  as 
our  nation  is  remarkable  for  gratitude  to  great  men,  it  always 
does  honor  to  their  memory,  by  placing  their  monuments  over 
the  doors  of  taverns,  or  in  the  corners  of  dancing-rooms." 

From  thence  my  friend  and  I  strolled  into  a  small  apartment 
adjoining  the  grand  saloon,  where  I  beheld  a  number  of  grave- 
looking  persons,  with  venerable  grey  heads,  but  without  beards, 
which  I  thought  very  unbecoming,  seated  around  a  table,  study 
ing  hieroglyphics.  I  approached  them  with  reverence,  as  so 
many  magi,  or  learned  men,  endeavoring  to  expound  the  myste 
ries  of  Egyptian  science;  several  of  them  threw  down  money, 
which  I  supposed  was  a  reward  proposed  for  some  great  disco 
very,  when  presently  one  of  them  spread  his  hieroglyphics  on  the 
table,  exclaimed  triumphantly,  "Two  bullets  and  a  bragger!" 
and  swept  all  the  money  into  his  pocket.  He  has  discovered  a 
key  to  the  hieroglyphics,  thought  I ;  happy  mortal !  no  doubt  his 
name  will  be  immortalized.  Willing,  however,  to  be  satisfied,  I 
looked  round  on  my  companion  with  an  inquiring  eye.  He  un 
derstood  me,  and  informed  me  that  these  were  a  company  of 
friends,  who  had  met  together  to  win  each  other's  money,  and  be 
agreeable.  "  Is  that  all  ?"  exclaimed  I,  "  why,  then,  I  pray  you 
make  way,  and  let  me  escape  from  this  temple  of  abominations, 
or  who  knows  but  these  people,  who  meet  together  to  toil,  worry, 
and  fatigue  themselves  to  death,  and  give  it  the  name  of  pleasure 
— and  who  win  each  other's  money  by  way  of  being  agreeable — 
may  some  one  of  them  take  ajiking  to  me.  and  pick  my 
or  break  my  neaa,  in  a  paroxysm  of  hearty  good- will]" 
— • Thy'inend; * 

MUSTAPHA. 


222  SALMAGUNDI. 


BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

Nunc  est  Inbendwrn,  nunc  pede  libero 
Pulsanda  tettus.  HOB. 

Now  is  the  tyme  for  wine  and  myrthful  sportes, 

For  daunce,  and  song,  and  disportes  of  sych  sortes.        LINK.  FID. 

THE  winter  campaign  has  opened.  Fashion  has  summoned  her 
numerous  legions  at  the  sound  of  trumpet,  tamborine  and  drum  ; 
and  all  the  harmonious  minstrelsy  of  the  orchestra,  to  hasten  from 
the  dull,  silent,  and  insipid  glades  and  groves,  where  they  have 
vegetated  during  the  summer ;  recovering  from  the  ravages  of  the 
last  winter's  campaign.  Our  fair  ones  have  hurried  to  town,  eager 
to  pay  their  devotions  to  this  tutelary  deity,  and  to  make  an  oiler- 
ing  at  her  shrine  of  the  few  pale  and  transient  roses  they  gathered 
in  their  healthful  retreat.  The  fiddler  rosins  his  bow,  the  card- 
table  devotee  is  shuffling  her  pack ;  the  young  ladies  are  indus 
triously  spangling  muslins ;  and  the  tea-party  heroes  are  airing  their 
chapeaux  bras,  and  pease-blossorn  breeches,  to  prepare  for  figuring 
in  the  gay  circle  of  smiles,  and  graces,  and  beauty.  Now  the  fine 
lady  forgets  her  country  friends,  in  the  hurry  of  fashionable  en 
gagements,  or  receives  the  simple  intruder,  who  has  foolishly 
accepted  her  thousand  pressing  invitations,  with  such  politeness 
that  the  poor  soul  determines  never  to  come  again ; — now  the  gay 
buck,  who  erst  figured  at  Ballston,  and  quaffed  the  pure  spring, 
exchanges  the  sparkling  water  for  still  more  sparkling  champaign  ; 
and  deserts  the  nymph  of  the  fountain,  to  enlist  under  the  standard 
of  jolly  Bacchus.  In  short,  now  is  the  important  time  of  the  year 
in  which  to  harangue  the  bon-ton  reader  ;  and,  like  some  ancient 
hero  in  front  of  the  battle,  to  spirit  him  up  to  deeds  of  noble  daring, 
or  still  more  noble  suffering,  in  the  ranks  of  fashionable  warfare. 

Such,  indeed,  has  been  my  intention  ;  but  the  number  of  cases 
which  have  lately  come  before  me,  and  the  variety  of  complaints 
I  have  received  from  a  crowd  of  honest,  and  well-meaning  corre 
spondents,  call  for  more  immediate  attention.  A  host  of  appeals, 
petitions,  and  letters  of  advice  are  now  before  me  ;  and  I  believe 
the  shortest  way  to  satisfy  my  petitioners,  memorialists,  and  ad 
visers,  will  be  to  publish  their  letters,  as  I  suspect  the  object  of 
most  of  them  is  merely  to  get  into  print. 

TO  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

Sir, 

As  you«appear  to  have  taken  to  yourself  the  trouble  of  med 
dling  in  the  concerns  of  the  beau  monde,  I  take  the  liberty  of 
appealing  to  you  on  a  subject,  which,  though  considered  mere 
ly  as  a  very  good  joke,  has  occasioned  me  great  vexation  and 


SALMAGUNDI.  223 

expense.  You  must  know  I  pride  myself  on  being  very  useful  to 
the  ladies ;  that  is,  I  take  boxes  for  them  at  the  theatre,  go  shop 
ping  with  them,  supply  them  with  bouquets,  and  furnish  them 
with  novels  from  the  circulating  library.  In  consequence  of  these 
attentions  I  am  become  a  great  favorite,  and  there  is  seldom  a 
party  going  on  in  the  city  without  my  having  an  invitation.  The 
grievance  I  have  to  mention,  is  the  exchange  of  hats  which  takes 
place  on  these  occasions ;  for,  to  speak  my  mind  freely,  there  are 
certain  young  gentlemen  who  seem  to  consider  fashionable  parties 
as  mere  places  to  barter  old  clothes :  and,  I  am  informed,  that  a 
number  of  them  manage  by  this  great  system  of  exchange,  to 
keep  their  crowns  decently  covered  without  their  hatter  suffering 
in  the  least  by  it. 

It  was  but  lately  that  I  went  to  a  private  ball  with  a  new  hat, 
and  on  returning  in  the  latter  part  of  the  evening,  and  asking  for 
it,  the  scoundrel  of  a  servant,  with  a  broad  grin,  informed  me, 
that  the  new  hats  had  been  dealt  out  half  an  hour  since,  and  they 
were  then  on  the  third  quality ;  and  I  was  in  the  end  obliged  to 
borrow  a  young  lady's  beaver  rather  than  go  home  with  any  of 
the  ragged  remnants  that  were  left. 

Now  I  would  wish  to  know  if  there  is  no  possibility  of  having 
these  offenders  punished  bylaw;  and  whether  it  would  not  be 
advisable  for  ladies  to  mention  in  their  cards  of  invitation,  as  a 
postscript,  "stealing  of  hats  and  shawls  positively  prohibited." 
At  any  rate,  I  would  thank  you,  Mr.  Evergreen,  to  discounte 
nance  the  thing  totally,  by  publishing  in  your  paper  that  stealing 
a  hat  is  no  joke.  Your  humble  servant, 

WALTER  WITHERS. 

My  correspondent  is  informed,  that  the  police  have  determined 
to  take  this  matter  into  consideration,  and  have  set  apart  Satur 
day  mornings  for  the  cognizance  of  fashionable  larcenies. 

MR.    EVERGREEN, 

Sir, 

Do  you  think  a  married  woman  may  lawfully  put  her  husband 
right  in  a  story,  before  strangers,  when  she  knows  him  to  be  in 
the  wrong;  and  can  any  thing  authorize  a  wife  in  the  exclama 
tion  of — "lord,  my  dear,  how  can  you  say  so!" 

MARGARET  TIMSON. 

DEAR  ANTHONY, 

Going  down  Broadway  this  morning  in  a  great  hurry,  I  ran 
full  against  an  object  which  at  first  put  me  to  a  prodigious  non 
plus.  Observing  it  to  be  dressed  in  a  man's  hat,  a  cloth  overcoat, 
and  spatterdashes,  I  framed  my  apology  accordingly,  exclaiming, 
"  my  dear  sir,  I  ask  ten  thousand  pardons  ; — I  assure  you,  sir,  it 
was  entirely  accidental : — pray  excuse  me,  sir,  &c."  At  every 
one  of  these  excuses,  the  thing  answered  me  with  a  downright 


224  SALMAGUNDI. 

laugh ;  at  which  I  was  not  a  little  surprised,  until,  on  resorting  to 
my  pocket-glass,  I  discovered  that  it  was  no  other  than  my  old 
acquaintance,  Clarinda  Trollop ; — I  never  was  more  chagrined  in 
my  life ;  for,  being  an  old  bachelor,  I  like  to  appear  as  young  as 
possible,  and  am  always  boasting  of  the  goodness  of  my  eyes.  I 
beg  of  you,  Mr.  Evergreen,  if  you  have  any  feeling  for  your  contem 
poraries,  to  discourage  this  hermaphrodite  mode  of  dress ;  for 
really,  if  the  fashion  take,  we  poor  bachelors  will  be  utterly  at  a 
loss  to  distinguish  a  woman  from  a  man.  Pray  let  me  know  your 
opinion,  sir,  whether  a  lady  who  wears  a  man's  hat  and  spatter 
dashes  before  marriage,  may  not  be  apt  to  usurp  some  other  article 
of  his  dress  afterwards.  Your  humble  servant, 

RODEEIC  WORRY. 
DEAR  MR.    EVERGREEN, 

The  other  night,  at  Richard  the  Third,  I  sat  behind  three  gentle 
men  who  talked  very  loud  on  the  subject  of  Kichard's  wooing  Lady 
Ann  directly  in  the  face  of  his  crimes  against  that  lady.  One  of 
them  declared  such  an  unnatural  scene  would  be  hooted  at  in 
China.  Pray,  sir,  was  that  Mr.  "Wizard  ? 

SELINA   BADGER. 

P.  S.  The  gentleman  I  allude  to  had  a  pocket  glass,  and  wore 
his  hair  fastened  behind  by  a  tortoise  shell  comb,  with  two  teeth 
wanting. 

MR.    EVERGRIN, 

Sir, — Being  a  little  curious  in  the  affairs  of  the  toilette,  I  was 
much  interested  by  the  sage  Mustapha's  remarks,  in  your  last  num 
ber,  concerning  the  art  of  manufacturing  a  modern  fine  lady.  I 
would  have  you  caution  your  fair  readers,  however,  to  be  very 
careful  in  the  management  of  their  machinery ;  as  a  deplorable 
accident  happened,  last  assembly,  in  consequence  of  the  architec 
ture  of  a  lady's  figure  not  being  sufficiently  strong.  In  the  middle 
of  one  of  the  cotillions,  the  company  was  suddenly  alarmed  by  a 
tremendous  crash  at  the  lower  end  of  the  room ;  and  on  crowding 
to  the  place,  discovered  that  it  was  a  fine  figure  which  had  un 
fortunately  broken  down  from  too  great  exertion  in  a  pigeon  wing. 
By  great  good  luck  I  secured  the  corset,  which  I  carried  home  in 
triumph ;  and  the  next  morning  had  it  publicly  dissected,  and  a 
lecture  read  on  it  at  Surgeon's  Hall.  I  have  since  commenced  a 
dissertation  on  the  subject ;  in  which  I  shall  treat  of  the  superiority 
of  those  figures  manufactured  by  steel,  stay-tape,  and  whale-bone, 
to  those  formed  by  dame  nature.  I  shall  show  clearly  that  the 
Yenus  de  Medicis  has  no  pretension  to  beauty  of  form,  as  she 
never  wore  stays,  and  her  waist  is  in  exact  proportion  to  the  rest 
of  her  body.  I  shall  inquire  into  the  mysteries  of 'compression, 
and  how  tight  a  figure  can  be  laced  without  danger  of  fainting ; 
and  whether  it  would  not  be  adviseable  for  a  lady,  when  dressing 


SALMAGL'NW.  225 

for  a  ball,  to  be  attended  by  the  family  physician ;  as  culprits  are 
when  tortured  on  the  rack,  to  know  how  much  more  nature  will 
endure.  I  shall  prove  that  ladies  have  discovered  the  secret  of 
that  notorious  juggler,  who  offered  to  squeeze  himself  into  a  quart 
bottle ;  and  I  shall  demonstrate,  to  the  satisfaction  of  every  fash 
ionable  reader,  that  there  is  a  certain  degree  of  heroism  in  pur 
chasing  a  preposterously  slender  waist  at  the  expense  of  an  old 
age  of  decrepitude  and  rheumatics.  This  dissertation  shall  be 
published,  as  soon  as  finished,  and  distributed  gratis  among  board 
ing-school  madams,  and  all  worthy  matrons  who  are  ambitious 
that  their  daughters  should  sit  straight,  move  like  clock-work,  and 
'•  do  credit  to  their  bringing  up."  In  the  mean  time,  I  have  hung 
up  the  skeleton  of  the  corset  in  the  museum  beside  a  dissected 
weazle  and  a  stuffed  alligator ;  where  it  may  be  inspected  by  all 
those  naturalists  who  are  fond  of  studying  the  "human  form  di 
vine."  Yours.  &c. 

JULIAN  COGNOUS. 

P.  S.  By  accurate  calculation  I  find  it  is  dangerous  for  a  fine 
figure,  when  full  dressed,  to  pronounce  a  word  of  more  than  three 
syllables.  Fine  Figure,  if  in  love,  may  indulge  in  a  gentle  sigh ; 
but  a  sob  is  hazardous.  Fine  Figure  may  smile  with  safety,  may 
even  venture  as  far  as  a  giggle ;  but  must  never  risk  a  loud  laugh. 
Figure  must  never  play  the  part  of  a  confidante;  as  at  a  tea-party, 
some  fine  evenings  since,  a  young  lady  whose  unparalleled  impal 
pability  of  waist  was  the  envy  of  the  drawing-room,  burst  with  an 
important  secret,  and  had  three  ribs,  of  her  corset  I  fractured  on 
the  spot. 

MR.    EVERGREEN, 

Sir, — I  am  one  of  those  industrious  geminen  who  labor  hard  to 
obtain  currency  in  the  fashionable  world.  I  have  went  to  great 
expense  in  little  boots,  short  vests,  and  long  breeches; — my  coat 
is  regularly  imported,  per  stage,  from  Philadelphia,  duly  insured 
against  all  risks,  and  my  boots  are  smuggled  from  Bond-street.  I 
have  lounged  in  Broadway  with  one  of  the  most  crooked  walking 
sticks  I  could  procure,  and  have  sported  a  pair  of  salmon-colored 
small  clothes,  and  flame-colored  stockings,  at  every  concert  and 
ball  to  which  I  could  purchase  admission.  Being  affeared  that  I 
might  possibly  appear  to  less  advantage  as  a  pedestrian,  in  conse 
quence  of  my  being  rather  short  and  a  little  bandy,  I  have  lately 
hired  a  tall  horse  with  cropped  ears  and  a  cocked  tail,  on  which  I 
have  joined  the  cavalcade  of  pretty  gemmen,  who  exhibit  bright 
stirrups  every  fine  morning  in  Broadway,  and  take  a  canter  of  two 
miles  per  day,  at  the  rate  of  300  dollars  per  annum.  But,  sir,  all 
this  expense  has  been  laid  out  in  vain,  for  I  can  scarcely  get  a 
partner  at  an  assembly,  or  an  invitation  to  a  tea-party.  Pray,  sir, 
inform  me  what  more  I  can  do  to  acquire  admission  into  the  true 
stylish  circles,  and  whether  it  would  not  be  adviseable  to  charter 
15 


226  SALMAGUNDI. 

a  curricle  for  a  month  and  have  my  cypher  put  on  it,  as  is  done 
by  certain  dashers*  of  my  acquaintance. 

Yours  to  serve, 

MALVOLIO  DUBSTER. 


TEA, 

A  POEM. 
FROM  THE  MILL  OF  PINDAR  COCKLOFT,   ESQ. 

And  earnestly  recommended  to  the  attention  of  all  Maidens  of  a 
certain  age. 

OLD  time,  my  dear  girls,  is  a  knave  who  in  truth 
From  the  fairest  of  beauties  will  pilfer  their  youth ; 
Who,  by  constant  attention  and  wily  deceit, 
For  ever  is  coaxing  some  grace  to  retreat ; 
And,  like  crafty  seducer,  with  subtle  approach, 
The  further  indulged,  will  still  further  encroach. 
Since  this  "  thief  of  the  world  "  has  made  off  with  your  bloom, 
And  left  you  some  score  of  stale  years  in  its  room — 
Has  depriv'd  you  of  all  those  gay  dreams,  that  would  dance 
In  your  brains  at  fifteen,  and  your  bosoms  entrance ; 
And  has  forc'd  you  almost  to  renounce,  in  despair, 
The  hope  of  a  husband's  affection  and  care — 
Since  such  is  the  case,  and  a  case  rather  hard ! 
Permit  one  who  holds  you  in  special  regard, 
To  furnish  such  hints  in  your  loveless  estate 
As  may  shelter  your  names  from  distraction  and  hate. 
Too  often  our  maidens  grow  aged,  I  ween, 
Indulge  to  excess  in  the  workings  of  spleen ; 
And  at  times,  when  annoy'd  by  the  slights  of  mankind, 
"Work  off  their  resentment — by  speaking  their  mind : 
Assemble  together  in  snuff-taking  clan, 
And  hold  round  the  tea-urn  a  solemn  divan. 
A  convention  of  tattling — a  tea-party  hight, 
Which,  like  meeting  of  witches,  is  brew'd  up  at  night 
Where  each  matron  arrives,  fraught  with  tales  of  surprise, 
With  knowing  suspicion  and  doubtful  surmise  j 
Like  the  broomstick  whirl'd  hags  that  appear  in  Macbeth, 
Each  bearing  some  relic  of  venom  or  death, 
"  To  stir  up  the  toil  and  to  double  the  trouble, 
That  fire  may  burn,  and  that  cauldron  may  bubble." 


SALMAGUNDI.  227 

When  the  party  commences,  all  starch'd 
They  talk  of  the  weather,  their  corns,  or 
They  will  tell  you  of  cambric,  of  ribands,  ofTac^  T  7r  - 
How  cheap  they  were  sold — and  will  uaino  you  the  place. 
They  discourse  of  their  colds,  and  they  hem  and  they  cough, 
And  complain  of  their  servants  to  pass  the  nrajlfflT  ^  »«.".* 
Or  list  to  the  tale  of  some  doating  mamma       ^S^^*  0  * 
How  her  ten  weeks  old  baby  will  laugh  and  say  taaf^*^»B=r-i 

But  tea,  that  enlivener  of  wit  and  of  soul — 
More  loquacious  by  far  than  the  draughts  of  the  bowl, 
Soon  unloosens  the  tongue  and  enlivens  the  mind, 
And  enlightens  their  eyes  to  the  faults  of  mankind. 

'Twas  thus  with  the  Pythia,  who  served  at  the  fount 
That  flow'd  near  the  far-famed  Parnassian  mount, 
While  the  steam  was  inhal'd  of  the  sulphuric  spring, 
Her  vision  expanded,  her  fancy  took  wing : — 
By  its  aid  she  pronounced  the  oracular  will 
That  Apollo  commanded  his  sons  to  fulfil. 
But  alas !  the  sad  vestal,  performing  the  rite, 
Appeared  like  a  demon — terrific  to  sight. 

E'en  the  priests  of  Apollo  averted  then*  eyes, 
And  the  temple  of  Delphi  resounded  her  cries. 
But  quitting  the  nymph  of  the  tripod  of  yore, 
We  return  to  the  dames  of  the  tea-pot  once  more. 

In  harmless  chit-chat  an  acquaintance  they  roast, 
And  serve  up  a  friend,  as  they  serve  up  a  toast ; 
Some  gentle  faux  pas,  or  some  female  mistake, 
Is  like  sweetmeats  delicious,  or  relished  as  cake ; 
A  bit  of  broad  scandal  is  like  a  dry  crust, 
It  would  stick  in  the  throat,  so  they  butter  it  first, 
With  a  little  affected  good-nature,  and  cry 
"  No  body  regrets  the  thing  deeper  than  I." 
Our  young  ladies  nibble  a  good  name  in  play 
As  for  pastime  they  nibble  a  biscuit  away : 
While  with  shrugs  and  surmises,  the  toothless  old  dame 
As  she  mumbles  a  crust  she  will  mumble  a  name. 
And  as  the  fell  sisters  astonished  the  Scot, 
In  predicting  of  Banquo's  descendants  the  lot, 
Making  shadows  of  kings,  amid  flashes  of  light 
To  appear  in  array  and  to  frown  in  his  sight, 
So  they  conjure  up  spectres  all  hideous  in  hue, 
Which,  as  shades  of  their  neighbors,  are  passed  in  review. 

The  wives  of  our  cits  of  inferior  degree, 
Will  soak  up  repute  in  a  little  bohea ; 
The  potion  is  vulgar,  and  vulgar  the  slang 
With  which  on  their  neighbors'  defects  they  harangue ; 
But  the  scandal  improves,  a  refinement  in  wrong ' 
As  our  matrons  are  richer  and  rise  to  souchong. 
With  hyson — a  beverage  that's  still  more  refin'd, 


228  SALMAGUNDI. 

Our  ladies  of  fashion  enliven  their  mind, 
And  by  nods,  inuendoes,  and  hints,  and  what  not, 
Keputations  and  tea  send  together  to  pot, 
While  madam  in  cambrics  and  laces  array'd, 
"With  her  plate  and  her  liveries  in  splendid  parade, 
Will  drink  in  imperial  a  friend  at  a  sup, 
Or  in  gunpowder  blow  them  by  dozens  all  up. 
Ah  me  I  how  I  groan  when  with  full  swelling  sail 
Wafted  stately  along  by  the  favoring  gale, 
A  China  ship  proudly  arrives  in  our  bay, 
Displaying  her  streamers  and  blazing  away. 
Oh  1  more  fell  to  our  port,  is  the  cargo  she  bears, 
Than  grenadoes,  torpedoes,  or  warlike  affairs : 
Each  chest  is  a  bombshell  thrown  into  our  town 
To  shatter  repute  and  bring  character  down. 

Ye  Samquas,  ye  Chinquas,  Chouquas,  so  free, 
Who  discharge  on  our  coast  your  cursed  quantums  of  tea, 
Oh  think,  as  ye  waft  the  sad  weed  from  your  strand, 
Of  the  plagues  and  vexations  ye  deal  to  our  land. 
As  the  Upas'  dread  breath,  o'er  the  plain  where  it  flies, 
Empoisons  and  blasts  each  green  blade  that  may  rise, 
So,  wherever  the  leaves  of  your  shrubs  find  their  way, 
The  social  affections  soon  suffer  decay : 
Like  to  Java's  drear  waste  they  embarren  the  heart, 
Till  the  blossoms  of  love  and  of  friendship  depart. 

Ah,  ladies,  and  was  it  by  heaven  design'd, 
That  ye  should  be  merciful,  loving  and  kind ! 
Did  it  form  you  like  angels,  and  send  you  below 
To  prophesy  peace — to  bid  charity  flow ! 
And  have  ye  thus  left  your  primeval  estate, 
And  wandered  so  widely — so  strangely  of  late  ? 
Alas  I  the  sad  cause  I  too  plainly  can  see — 
These  evils  have  all  come  upon  you  through  tea  I 
Cursed  weed,  that  can  make  our  fair  spirits  resign 
The  character  mild  of  their  mission  divine ; 
That  can  blot  from  their  bosoms  that  tenderness  true, 
Which  from  female  to  female  for  ever  is  due ! 
Oh,  how  nice  is  the  texture — how  fragile  the  frame 
Of  that  delicate  blossom,  a  female's  fair  fame  I 
'Tis  the  sensitive  plant,  it  recoils  from  the  breath 
And  shrinks  from  the  touch  as  if  pregnant  with  death. 
How  often,  how  often,  has  innocence  sigh'd ; 
Has  beauty  been  reft  of  its  honor — its  pride ; 
Has  virtue,  though  pure  as  an  angel  of  light, 
Been  painted  as  dark  as  a  demon  of  night : 
All  offer'd  up  victims,  an  auto  defe, 
At  the  gloomy  cabals — the  dark  orgies  of  tea  I 

If  I,  in  the  remnant  that's  left  me  of  life, 
Am  to  suffer  the  torments  of  slanderous  strife, 


SALMAGUNDI.  229 


Let  me  fall,  I  implore,  in  the  slang- whanger's  claw, 
Where  the  evil  is  open,  and  subject  to  law. 
Not  nibbled,  and  m'umbled,  and  put  to  the  rack, 
By  the  sly  underminings  of  tea  party  clack : 
Condemn  me,  ye  gods,  to  a  newspaper  roasting, 
But  spare  me  1  oh,  spare  me,  a  tea  table  toasting  1 


230  SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  XX.— MONDAY,  JANUARY  25,  1808. 

FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Extremv/m  Jiunc  mihi  concede  laborem.  VIEO. 

"  Soft  you,  a  word  or  two  before  we  part." 

IN  this  season  of  festivity,  when  the  gate  of  time  swings  open 
on  its  hinges,  and  an  honest  rosy-faced  New- Year  comes  waddling 
in,  like  a  jolly  fat-sided  alderman,  loaded  with  good  wishes,  good 
humor,  and  minced  pies; — at  this  joyous  era  it  has  been  the 
custom,  from  time  immemorial,  in  this  ancient  and  respectable  city, 
for  periodical  writers,  from  reverend,  grave,  and  potent  essayists 
like  ourselves  I  down  to  the  humble  but  industrious  editors  of 
magazines,  reviews,  and  newspapers,  to  tender  their  subscribers 
the  compliments  of  the  season ;  and  when  they  have  slily  thawed 
their  hearts  with  a  little  of  the  sunshine  of  flattery,  to  conclude 
by  delicately  dunning  them  for  their  arrears  of  subscription 
money.  In  like  manner  the  carriers  of  newspapers,  who  un 
doubtedly  belong  to  the  ancient  and  honorable  order  of  literati, 
do  regularly  at  the  commencement  of  the  year,  salute  their 
patrons  with  abundance  of  excellent  advice,  conveyed  in  exceed 
ing  good  poetry,  for  which  the  aforesaid  good-natured  patrons  are 
well  pleased  to  pay  them  exactly  twenty-five  cents.  In  walking 
the  streets  I  am  every  day  saluted  with  good  wishes  from  old 
gray-headed  negroes,  whom  I  never  recollect  to  have  seen  before; 
and  it  was  but  a  few  days  ago,  that  I  was  called  to  receive  the 
compliments  of  an  ugly  old  woman,  who  last  spring  was  employed 
by  Mrs.  Cockloft  to  whitewash  my  room  and  put  things  in  order ; 
a  phrase  which,  if  rightly  understood,  means  little  else  than  hud 
dling  every  thing  into  holes  and  corners,  so  that  if  I  want  to  find 
any  particular  article,  it  is,  in  the  language  of  an  humble  but  ex 
pressive  saying, — "looking  for  a  needle  in  a  haystack."  Not 
recognizing  my  visitor,  I  demanded  by  what  authority  she  wished 
me  a  "  Happy  New  Year!"  Her  claim  was  one  of  the  weakest 
she  could  have  urged,  for  I  have  an  innate  and  mortal  antipathy 
to  this  custom  of  putting  things  to  rights ; — so  giving  the  old 
witch  a  pistareen,  I  desired  her  forthwith  to  mount  her  broom 
stick,  and  ride  off  as  fast  as  possible. 

Of  all  the  various  ranks  of  society,  the  bakers  alone,  to  their 
immortal  honor  be  it  recorded,  depart  from  this  practice  of  making 


SALMAGUNDI.  231 

a  market  of  congratulations;  and,  in  addition  to  always  allowing 
thirteen  to  the  dozen,  do  with  great  liberality,  instead  of  drawing 
on  the  purses  of  their  customers  at  the  New  Year,  present  them 
with  divers  large,  fair,  spiced  cakes ;  which,  like  the  shield  of 
Achilles,  or  an  Egyptian  obelisk,  are  adorned  with  figures  of  a 
variety  of  strange  animals,  that,  in  their  conformation,  out-marvel 
all  the  wild  wonders  of  nature. 

This  honest  gray-beard  custom  of  setting  apart  a  certain  por 
tion  of  this  good-for-nothing  existence  for  the  purposes  of  cordi 
ality,  social  merriment,  and  good  cheer,  is  one  of  the  inestimable 
relics  handed  down  to  us  from  our  worthy  Dutch  ancestors.  In 
perusing  one  of  the  manuscripts  from  my  worthy  grandfather's 
mahogany  chest  of  drawers,  I  find  the  new  year  was  celebrated 
with  great  festivity  during  that  golden  age  of  our  city,  when  the 
reins  of  government  were  held  by  the  renowned  Rip  Van  Dam, 
who  always  did  honor  to  the  season  by  seeing  out  the  old  year ; 
a  ceremony  which  consisted  in  plying  his  guests  with  bumpers, 
until  not  one  of  them  was  capable  of  seeing.  "  Truly,"  observes 
my  grandfather,  who  was  generally  of  these  parties — "  Truly,  he 
was  a  most  stately  and  magnificent  burgomaster  I  inasmuch,  as 
he  did  right  lustily  carouse  it  with  his  friends  about  new-year ; 
roasting  huge  quantities  of  turkeys :  baking  innumerable  minced 
pyes ;  and  smacking  the  lips  of  all  fair  ladies  the  which  he  did 
meet,  with  such  sturdy  emphasis  that  the  same  might  have  been 
heard  the  distance  of  a  stone's  throw."  In  his  days,  according  to 
ray  grandfather,  first  wero  invented  these  notable  cakes,  hight  new- 
year-cookies,  which  originally  were  impressed  on  one  side  with  the 
honest  burly  countenance  of  the  illustrious  Rip :  and  on  the  other 
with  that  of  the  noted  St.  Nicholas,  vulgarly  called  Santaclaus ; 
— of  all  the  saints  in  the  kalendar  the  most  venerated  by  true 
Hollanders,  and  their  unsophisticated  descendants.  These  cakes 
are  to  this  time  given  on  the  first  of  January  to  all  visitors,  to 
gether  with  a  glass  of  cherry-bounce,  or  raspberry-brandy.  It  is 
with  great  regret,  however.  I  observe  that  the  simplicity  of  this 
venerable  usage  has  been  much  violated  by  modern  pretenders  to 
style !  and  our  respectable  new-year-cookies,  and  cherry-bounce, 
elbowed  aside  by  plum-cake  and  outlandish  liqueurs,  in  the  same 
way  that  our  worthy  old  Dutch  families  are  out-dazzled  by  modern 
upstarts,  and  mushroom  cockneys. 

In  addition  to  this  divine  origin  of  new-year  festivity,  there  is 
something  exquisitely  grateful,  to  a  good-natured  mind,  in  seeing 
every  face  dressed  in  smiles ; — in  hearing  the  oft-repeated  saluta 
tions  that  flow  spontaneously  from  the  heart  to  the  lips; — in  be 
holding  the  poor,  for  once,  enjoying  the  smiles  of  plenty,  and  for 
getting  the  cares  which  press  hard  upon  them,  in  the  jovial 
revelry  of  the  feelings ; — the  young  children  decked  out  in  their 
Sunday  clothes,  and  freed  from  their  only  cares,  the  cares  of  the 
school,  tripping  through  the  streets  on  errands  of  pleasure ;  and 
even  the  very  negroes,  those  holiday -loving  rogues,  gorgeously 


232  SALMAGUNDI. 

arrayed  in  cast-off  finery,  collected  in  juntos,  at  corners,  display 
ing  their  white  teeth,  and  making  the  welkin  ring  with  bursts  of 
laughter,  loud  enough  to  crack  even  the  icy  cheek  of  old  winter. 
There  is  something  so  pleasant  in  all  this,  that  I  confess  it  would 
give  me  real  pain,  to  behold  the  frigid  influence  of  modern  stylo 
cheating  us  of  this  jubilee  of  the  heart ;  and  converting  it,  as  it 
docs  every  other  article  of  social  intercourse,  into  an  idle  and 
unmeaning  ceremony.  'Tis  the  annual  festival  of  good-humor ; 
it  comes  in  the  dead  of  winter,  when  nature  is  without  a  charm, 
when  our  pleasures  are  contracted  to  the  fireside,  and  where 
everything  that  unlocks  the  icy  fetters  of  the  heart,  and  sets  the 
genial  current  flowing,  should  be  cherished,  as  a  stray  lamb  found 
in  the  wilderness ;  or  a  flower  blooming  among  thorns  and  briars. 

Animated  by  these  sentiments,  it  is  with  peculiar  satisfaction 
I  perceived  that  the  last  new-year  was  kept  with  more  than  ordi 
nary  enthusiasm.  It  seemed  as  if  the  good  old  times  had  rolled 
back  again,  and  brought  with  them  all  the  honest,  unceremonious 
intercourse  of  those  golden  da3'S,  when  people  were  more  open 
and  sincere,  more  moral  and  more  hospitable  than  now ; — when 
every  object  carried  about  it  a  charm  which  the  hand  of  time  has 
stolen  away,  or  turned  to  a  deformity ;  when  the  women  were 
more  simple,  more  domestic,  more  lovely,  and  more  true ;  and 
when  even  the  sun,  like  a  hearty  old  blade  as  he  is,  shone  with  a 
genial  lustre  unknown  in  these  degenerate  days : — in  short,  those 
fairy  times  when  I  was  a  madcap  boy,  crowding  every  enjoyment 
into  the  present  moment ; — making  of  the  past  an  oblivion ;  of 
the  future  a  heaven;  and  careless  of  all  that  was  "  Over  the  hills 
and  far  away."  Only  one  thing  was  wanting  to  make  every  part 
of  the  celebration  accord  with  its  ancient  simplicity.  The  ladies, 
who,  I  write  it  with  the  most  piercing  regret,  are  generally  at  the 
head  of  all  domestic  innovations,  most  fastidiously  refused  that 
mark  of  good  will,  that  chaste  and  holy  salute  which  was  so 
fashionable  in  the  happy  days  of  Governor  Rip  and  the  patriarchs. 
Even  the  Miss  Cocklofts,  who  belong  to  a  family  that  is  the  last 
entrenchment  behind  which  the  manners  of  the  good  old  school 
have  retired,  made  violent  opposition ;  and  whenever  a  gentle 
man  entered  the  room,  immediately  put  themselves  in  a  posture 
of  defence.  This,  Will  Wizard,  with  his  usual  shrewdness,  insists 
was  only  to  give  the  visitor  a  hint  that  they  expected  an  attack ; 
and  declares  he  has  uniformly  observed,  that  the  resistance  of 
those  ladies,  who  make  the  greatest  noise  and  bustle,  is  most 
easily  overcome.  This  sad  innovation  originated  with  my  good 
aunt  Charity,  who  was  as  arrant  a  tabby  as  ever  wore  whiskers  ,- 
and  I  am  not  a  little  afflicted  to  find  that  she  has  found  so  many 
followers,  even  among  the  young  and  beautiful. 

In  compliance  with  an  ancient  and  venerable  custom,  sanc 
tioned  by  time  and  our  ancestors,  and  more  especially  by  my  own 
inclinations,  I  will  take  this  opportunity  to  salute  my  readers 
with  as  many  good  wishes  as  I  can  possibly  spare ;  for,  in  truth, 


SALMAGUNDI.  233 

I  have  been  so  prodigal  of  late,  that  I  have  but  few  remaining.  I 
should  have  offered  my  congratulations  sooner ;  but,  to  be  candid, 
having  made  the  last  new-year's  campaign,  according  to  custom, 
under  cousin  Christopher,  in  which  I  have  seen  some  pretty  hard 
service,  my  head  has  been  somewhat  out  of  order  of  late,  and 
my  intellects  rather  cloudy  for  clear  writing.  Besides,  I  may 
allege  as  another  reason,  that  I  have  deferred  my  greetings  until 
this  day,  which  is  exactly  one  year  since  we  introduced  ourselves 
to  the  public ;  and  surely  periodical  writers  have  the  same  right 
of  dating  from  the  commencement  of  their  works,  that  monarchs 
have  from  the  time  of  then1  coronation,  or  our  most  puissant 
republic,  from  the  declaration  of  its  independence. 

These  good  wishes  are  warmed  into  more  than  usual  benevo 
lence  by  the  thought  that  I  am  now,  perhaps,  addressing  my 
old  friends  for  the  last  time.  That  we  should  thus  cut  off  our 
work  in  the  very  vigor  of  its  existence,  may  excite  some  little 
matter  of  wonder  in  this  enlightened  community.  Now,  though 
we  could  give  a  variety  of  good  reasons  for  so  doing,  yet  it  would 
be  an  ill-natured  act  to  deprive  the  public  of  such  an  admirable 
opportunity  to  indulge  in  their  favorite  amusement  of  conjecture;  so 
we  generously  leave  them  to  flounder  in  the  smooth  ocean  of  glo 
rious  uncertainty.  Besides,  we  have  ever  considered  it  as  beneath 
persons  of  our  dignity  to  account  for  our  movements  or  caprices ; — 
thank  heaven  we  are  not  like  the  unhappy  rulers  of  this  enlight 
ened  land,  accountable  to  the  mob  for  our  actions,  or  dependent 
on  their  smiles  for  support ! — this  much,  however,  we  will  say,  it 
is  not  for  want  of  subjects  that  we  stop  our  career.  "We  are  not 
in  the  situation  of  poor  Alexander  the  Great,  who  wept,  as  well 
indeed  he  might,  because  there  were  no  more  worlds  to  conquer ; 
for,  to  do  justice  to  this  queer,  odd,  rantipole  city,  and  this  whim 
sical  country,  there  is  matter  enough  in  them  to  keep  our  risible 
muscles  and  our  pens  going  till  doomsday. 

Most  people,  in  taking  a  farewell  which  may,  perhaps,  be  for 
ever,  are  anxious  to  part  on  good  terms ;  and  it  is  usual,  on  such 
melancholy  occasions,  for  even  enemies  to  shake  hands,  forget 
their  previous  quarrels,  and  bury  all  former  animosities  in  parting 
regrets.  Now,  because  most  people  do  this,  I  am  determined  to 
act  in  quite  a  different  way ;  for,  as  I  have  lived,  so  I  should  wish 
to  die,  in  my  own  way,  without  imitating  any  person,  whatever 
may  be  his  rank,  talents,  or  reputation.  Besides,  if  I  know  our 
trio,  we  have  no  enmities  to  obliterate,  no  hatchet  to  bury,  and  as 
to  all  injuries — those  we  have  long  since  forgiven.  At  this  mo 
ment  there  is  not  an  individual  in  the  world,  not  even  the  Pope 
himself,  to  whom  we  have  any  personal  hostility.  But  if,  shut 
ting  their  eyes  to  the  many  striking  proofs  of  good  nature  display 
ed  through  the  "H^hple  course  of  this  work,  there  should  be  any 
persons  so  singularly  ridiculous  as  to  take  offence  at  our  stric 
tures,  we  heartily  forgive  their  stupidity;  earnestly  entreating 
them  to  desist  from  all  manifestations  of  ill-humor,  lest  they 


234  SALMAGUNDI. 

should,  peradventure,  be  classed  under  some  one  of  the  denomi 
nations  of  recreants,  we  have  felt  it  our  duty  to  hold  up  to  pub 
lic  ridicule.  Even  at  this  moment,  we  feel  a  glow  of  parting 
philanthropy  stealing  upon  us; — a  sentiment  of  cordial  good  will 
towards  the  numerous  host  of  readers  that  have  jogged  on  at  our 
heels  during  the  last  year;  and  in  justice  to  ourselves  must  seri 
ously  protest,  that  if  at  any  time  we  have  treated  them  a  little 
ungently,  it  was  purely  in  that  spirit  of  hearty  affection,  with 
which  a  schoolmaster  drubs  an  unlucky  urchin,  or  a  humane 
muleteer  his  recreant  animal,  at  the  very  moment  when  his  heart 
is  brimful  of  loving  kindness.  If  this  is  not  considered  an  ample 
justification,  so  much  the  worse ;  for  in  that  case  I  fear  we  shall 
remain  for  ever  unjustified; — a  most  desperate  extremity,  and 
worthy  of  every  man's  commiseration  1 

One  circumstance,  in  particular,  has  tickled  us  mightily  as  we 
jogged  along ;  and  that  is,  the  astonishing  secrecy  with  which  we 
have  been  able  to  carry  on  our  lucubrations !  fully  aware  of  the 
profound  sagacity  of  the  public  of  Gotham,  and  their  wonderful 
faculty  of  distinguishing  a  writer  by  his  style,  it  is  with  great 
self-congratulation  we  find  that  suspicion  has  never  pointed  to  us 
as  the  authors  of  Salmagundi.  Our  gray-beard  speculations  have 
been  most  bountifully  attributed  to  sundry  smart  young  gentle 
men,  who,  for  aught  we  know,  have  no  beards  at  all ;  and  we 
have  often  been  highly  amused,  when  they  were  charged  with  the 
sin  of  writing  what  their  harmless  minds  never  conceived;  to  see 
them  affect  all  the  blushing  modesty  and  beautiful  embarrassment 
of  detected  virgin  authors.  The  profound  and  penetrating  public, 
having  so  long  been  led  away  from  truth  and  nature  by  a  con 
stant  perusal  of  those  delectable  histories,  and  romances,  from 
beyond  seas,  in  which  human  nature  is,  for  the  most  part,  wick 
edly  mangled  and  debauched,  have  never  once  imagined  this 
work  was  a  genuine  and  most  authentic  history ;  that  the  Cock 
lofts  were  a  real  family,  dwelling  in  the  city; — paying  scot  and 
lot,  entitled  to  the  right  of  suffrage,  and  holding  several  respecta 
ble  offices  in  the  corporation.  As  little  do  they  suspect  that 
there  is  a  knot,  of  merry  old  bachelors  seated  snugly  in  the  old-fa 
shioned  parlor  of  an  old-fashioned  Dutch  house,  with  a  weather 
cock  on  the  top  that  came  from  Holland ;  who  amuse  themselves 
of  an  evening  by  laughing  at  their  neighbors,  in  an  honest  way, 
and  who  manage  to  jog  on  through  the  streets  of  our  ancient  and 
venerable  city,  without  elbowing  or  being  elbowed  by  a  living 
soul. 

When  we  first  adopted  the  idea  of  discontinuing  this  work,  we 
determined,  in  order  to  give  the  critics  a  fair  opportunity  for  dis 
section,  to  declare  ourselves,  one  and  all,  absolutely  defunct ;  for, 
it  is  one  of  the  rare  and  invaluable  privileges  of  a  periodical  wri 
ter,  that  by  an  act  of  innocent  suicide  he  may  lawfully  consign 
himself  to  the  grave,  and  cheat  the  world  of  posthumous  renown. 
But  we  abandoned  this  scheme  for  manv  substantial  reasons.  In 


SALMAGUNDI.  235 

the  first  place,  we  care  but  little  for  the  opinion  of  critics,  who 
we  consider  a  kind  of  freebooters  in  the  republic  of  letters ;  who, 
like  deer,  goats,  and  divers  other  graminivorous  animals,  gain 
subsistence  by  gorging  upon  the  buds  and  leaves  of  the  young 
shrubs  of  the  forest,  thereby  robbing  them  of  their  verdure,  and 
retarding  their  progress  to  maturity.  It  also  occurred  to  us,  that 
though  an  author  might  lawfully,  in  all  countries,  kill  himself 
outright ;  yet  this  privilege  did  not  extend  to  the  raising  himself 
from  the  dead,  if  he  was  ever  so  anxious ;  and  all  that  is  left  him 
in  such  a  case,  is  to  take  the  benefit  of  the  metempsychosis  act, 
and  revive  under  a  new  name  and  form. 

Far  be  it,  therefore,  from  us  to  condemn  ourselves  to  useless 
embarrassments,  should  we  ever  be  disposed  to  resume  the  guar 
dianship  of  this  learned  city  of  Gotham,  and  finish  this  invaluable 
work,  which  is  yet  but  half  completed.  We  hereby  openly  and 
seriously  declare,  that  we  are  not  dead,  but  intend,  if  it  pleases 
Providence,  to  live  for  many  years  to  come  ; — to  enjoy  life  with 
the  genuine  relish  of  honest  souls ;  careless  of  riches,  honors,  and 
every  thing  but  a  good  name,  among  good  fellows  ;  and  with  the 
full  expectation  of'shuffling  off  the  remnant  of  existence,  after  the 
excellent  fashion  of  that  merry  Grecian,  who  died  laughing. 


TO  THE  LADIES. 

BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

NEXT  to  our  being  a  knot  of  independent  old  bachelors,  there 
is  nothing  on  which  we  pride  ourselves  more  highly  than  upon 
possessing  that  true  chivalric  spirit  of  gallantry,  which  distin 
guished  the  days  of  king  Arthur,  and  his  valiant  knights  of  the 
Round-table.  We  cannot,  therefore,  leave  the  lists  where  we  have 
so  long  been  tilting  at  folly,  without  giving  a  farewell  salutation 
to  those  noble  dames  and  beauteous  damsels  who  have  honored 
us  with  their  presence  at  the  tourney.  Like  true  knights,  the 
only  recompense  we  crave  is  the  smile  of  beauty,  and  the  appro- 1 
bation  of  those  gentle  fair  ones,  whose  smile  and  whose  approba- ' 
tion  far  excels  all  the  trophies  of  honor,  and  all  the  rewards  of 
successful  ambition.  True  it  is,  that  we  have  suffered  infinite 
perils,  in  standing  forth  as  their  champions,  from  the  sly  attacks 
of  sundry  arch  caitiffs,  who,  in  the  overflowings  of  their  malignity, 
have  even  accused  us  of  entering  the  lists  as  defenders  of  the  very 
foibles  and  faults  of  the  sex. — Would  that  we  could  meet  with 
these  recreants  hand  to  hand ; — they  should  receive  no  more  quar 
ter  than  giants  and  enchanters  in  romance. 


236  SALMAGUNDI. 

Had  we  a  spark  of  vanity  in  our  natures,  here  is  a  glorious 
occasion  to  show  our  skill  in  refuting  these  illiberal  insinuations  ; 
— but  there  is  something  manly,  and  ingenuous,  in  making  an 
honest  confession  of  one's  offences  when  about  retiring  from  the 
world  ; — and  so,  without  any  more  ado,  we  doff  our  helmets  and 
thus  publicly  plead  guilty  to  the  deadly  sin  of  GOOD  NATURE  ; 
hoping  and  expecting  forgiveness  from  our  good  natured  readers, 
— yet  careless  whether  they  bestow  it  or  not.  And  in  this  we  do 
but  imitate  sundry  condemned  criminals ;  who,  finding  themselves 
convicted  of  a  capital  crime,  with  great  openness  and  candor,  do 
generally  in  their  last  dying  speech  make  a  confession  of  all  their 
previous  offences,  which  confession  is  always  read  with  great 
delight  by  ah1  true  lovers  of  biography. 

ill,  however,  notwithstanding  our  notorious  devotion  to  the 
gentle  sex  and  our  indulgent  partiality,  we  have  endeavored,  on 
divers  occasions,  with  all  the  polite  and  becoming  delicacy  of  true 
respect,  to  reclaim  them  from  many  of  those  delusive  follies  and 
unseemly  peccadilloes  in  which  they  are  unhappily  too  prone  to 
indulge.  "We  have  warned  them  against  the  sad  consequence^  of 
encountering  our  midnight  damps  and  withering  wintry  blasts  ; 
— we  have  endeavored,  with  pious  hands,  to  snatch  them  from 
the  wildering  mazes  of  the  waltz,  and  thus  rescuing  them  from 
the  arms  of  strangers,  to  restore  them  to  the  bosoms  of  their 
friends  ;  to  preserve  them  from  the  nakedness,  the  famine,  the 
cobweb  muslins,  the  vinegar  cruet,  the  corset,  the  stay-tape,  the 
buckram,  and  all  the  other  miseries  and  racks  of  a  fine  figure. 
But,  above  all,  we  have  endeavored  to  lure  them  from  the  mazes 
of  a  dissipated  world,  where  they  wander  about,  careless  of  their 
value,  until  they  lose  their  original  worth ; — and  to  restore  them 
before  it  is  too  late,  to  the  sacred  asylum  of  home,  the  soil  most 
congenial  to  the  opening  blossom  of  female  loveliness  ;  where  it 
blooms  and  expands  in  safety,  in  the  fostering  sunshine  of  mater 
nal  affection,  and  where  its  heavenly  sweets  are  best  known  and 

jpreciated. 

todern  philosophers  may  determine  the  proper  destination  of 
the  sex  ; — they  may  assign  to  them  an  extensive  and  brilliant 
orbit,  in  which  to  revolve,  to  the  delight  of  the  million  and  the 
confusion  of  man's  superior  intellect ;  but  when  on  this  subject 
we  disclaim  philosophy,  and  appeal  to  the  higher  tribunal  of  the 
heart; — and  what  heart  that  had  not  lost  its  better  feelings,  would 
ever  seek  to  repose  its  happiness  on  the  bosom  of  one,  whose 
pleasures  all  lay  without  the  threshold  of  home  ; — who  snatched 
enjoyment  only  in  the  whirlpool  of  dissipation,  and  amid  the 
thoughtless  and  evanescent  gayety  of  a  ball-room.  The  fair  one 
who  is  for  ever  in  the  career  of  amusement,  may  for  a  while  daz 
zle,  astonish,  and  entertain ;  but  we  are  content  with  coldly  ad 
miring  ;  and  fondly  turn  from  glitter  and  noise,  to  seek  the  happy 
fire-side  of  social  life,  there  to  confide  our  dearest  and  best  affec 
tions. 


SALMAGUNDI.  237 

Yet  some  there  are,  and  we  delight  to  mention  them,  who  min 
gle  freely  with  the  world,  unsullied  by  its  contaminations  ;  whose 
brilliant  minds,  like  the  stars  of  the  firmament,  are  destined  to 
shed  their  light  abroad  and  gladden  every  beholder  with  their 
radiance ; — to  withhold  them  from  the  world,  would  be  doing  it 
injustice  ; — they  are  inestimable  gems,  which  were  never  formed 
to  be  shut  up  in  caskets ;  but  to  be  the  pride  and  ornament  of  ele 
gant  society. 

We  have  endeavored  always  to  discriminate  between  a  female 
of  this  superior  order,  and  the  thoughtless  votary  of  pleasure ;  who, 
destitute  of  intellectual  resources,  is  servilely  dependant  on  others 
for  every  little  pittance  of  enjoyment ;  who  exhibits  herself  inces 
santly  amid  the  noise,  the  giddy  frolic,  and  capricious  variety  of 
fashionable  assemblages ;  dissipating  her  languid  affections  on  a 
crowd ;  lavishing  her  ready  smiles  with  indiscriminate  prodigality 
on  the  worthy,  or  the  undeserving ;  and  listening  with  equal  va 
cancy  of  mind,  to  the  conversation  of  the  enlightened,  the  frivolity 
of  the  coxcomb,  and  the  flourish  of  the  fiddle-stick. 

There  is  a  certain  artificial  polish, — a  common-place  vivacity 
acquired  by  perpetually  mingling  in  the  beau  monde ;  which,  in 
the  commerce  of  the  world,  supplies  the  place  of  natural  suavity 
of  good  humor :  but  is  purchased  at  the  expense  of  all  original 
and  sterling  traits  of  character.  By  a  kind  of  fashionable  disci 
pline,  the  eye  is  taught  to  brighten,  the  lip  to  smile,  and  the  whole 
countenance  to  emanate  with  the  semblance  of  friendly  welcome, 
while  thQ  bosom  is  unwarmed  by  a  single  spark  of  genuine  kind 
ness,  or  good  will.  This  elegant  simulation  may  be  admired  by 
the  connoisseur  of  human  character,  as  a  perfection  of  art ;  but  the 
heart  is  not  to  be  deceived  by  the  superficial  illusion;  it  turns 
with  delight  to  the  timid  retiring  fair  one,  whose  smile  is  the  smile 
of  nature ;  whose  blush  is  the  soft  suffusion  of  delicate  sensibility; 
and  whose  affections,  unblighted  by  the  chilling  effects  of  dissipa 
tion,  glow  with  all  the  tenderness  and  purity  of  artless  youth. 
Her's  is  a  singleness  of  mind,  a  native  innocence  of  manners,  and 
a  sweet  timidity,  that  steal  insensibly  upon  the  heart,  and  lead  it 
a  willing  captive ; — though  venturing  occasionally  among  the  fairy 
haunts  of  pleasure,  she  shrinks  from  the  broad  glare  of  notoriety, 
and  seems  to  seek  refuge  among  her  friends,  even  from  the  admi 
ration  of  the  world. 

These  observations  bring  to  mind  a  little  allegory  in  one  of  the 
manuscripts  of  the  sage  Mustapha,  which,  being  in  some  measure 
applicable  to  the  subject  of  this  essay,  we  transcribe  for  the  benefit 
of  our  fair  readers. 

Among  the  numerous  race  of  the  Bedouins,  who  people  the  vast 
tracts  of  Arabia  Deserta,  is  a  small  tribe,  remarkable  for  their 
habits  of  solitude  and  love  of  independence.  They  are  of  a  ram 
bling  disposition,  roving  from  waste  to  waste,  slaking  their  thirst 
at  such  scanty  pools  as  are  found  in  those  cheerless  plains,  and 
glory  in  the  unenvied  liberty  they  enjoy.  A  youthful  Arab  of 


238  SALMAGUNDI. 

this  tribe,  a  simple  son  of  nature,  at  length  growing  weary  of  his 
precarious  and  unsettled  mode  of  life,  determined  to  set  out  in 
search  of  some  permanent  abode.  "I  will  seek,"  said  he,  "some 
happy  region,  some  generous  clime,  where  the  dews  of  heaven 
diffuse  fertility ; — I  will  find  out  some  unfailing  stream  ;  and,  for 
saking  the  joyless  life  of  my  forefathers,  settle  on  its  borders, 
dispose  my  mind  to  gentle  pleasures  and  tranquil  enjoyments,  and 
never  wander  more." 

Enchanted  with  this  picture  of  pastoral  felicity,  he  departed 
from  the  tents  of  his  companions ;  and  having  journeyed  during 
five  days,  on  the  sixth,  as  the  sun  was  just  rising  in  all  the  splen 
dors  of  the  east,  he  lifted  up  his  eyes  and  beheld  extended  before 
him,  in  smiling  luxuriance,  the  fertile  regions  of  Arabia  the  Happy. 
Gently  swelling  hills,  tufted  with  blooming  groves,  swept  down 
into  luxuriant  vales,  enamelled  with  flowers  of  never  withering 
beauty.  The  sun,  no  longer  darting  hlS  rays  with  torrid  fervor, 
beamed  with  a  genial  warmth  that  gladdened  and  enriched  the 
landscape.  A  pure  and  temperate  serenity,  an  air  of  voluptuous 
repose,  a  smile  of  contented  abundance,  pervaded  the  face  of 
nature ;  and  every  zephyr  breathed  a  thousand  delicious  odors. 
The  soul  of  the  youthful  wanderer  expanded  with  delight ; — he 
raised  his  eyes  to  heaven,  and  almost  mingled  with  his  tribute  of 
gratitude,  a  sigh  of  regret  that  he  had  lingered  so  long  amid  the 
sterile  solitudes  of  the  desert. 

With  fond  impatience  he  hastened  to  make  choice  of  a  stream 
where  he  might  fix  his  habitation,  and  taste  the  promised  sweets 
of  this  land  of  delight.  But  here  commenced  an  unforeseen  per 
plexity  ;  for,  though  he  beheld  innumerable  streams  on  every  side, 
yet  not  one  could  he  find  which  completely  answered  his  high 
raised  expectations.  One  abounded  with  wild  and  picturesque 
beauty,  but  it  was  capricious  and  unsteady  in  its  course ;  some 
times  dashing  its  angry  billows  against  the  rocks,  and  often  raging 
and  overflowing  its  banks.  Another  flowed  smoothly  along,  with 
out  even  a  ripple  or  a  murmur ;  but  its  bottom  was  soft  and  muddy, 
and  its  current  dull  and  sluggish.  A  third  was  pure  and  transpa 
rent,  but  its  waters  were  of  a  chilling  coldness,  and  it  had  rocks 
and  flints  in  its  bosom.  A  fourth  was  dulcet  in  its  tinklings,  and 
graceful  in  its  meanderings ;  but  it  had  a  cloying  sweetness  that 
palled  upon  the  taste ;  while  a  fifth  possessed  a  sparkling  vivacity, 
and  a  pungency  of  flavor,  that  deterred  the  wanderer  from  repeat 
ing  his  draught. 

The  youthful  Bedouin  began  to  weary  with  fruitless  trials  and 
repeated  disappointments,  when  his  attention  was  suddenly 
attracted  by  a  lively  brook  whose  dancing  waves  glittered  in  the 
sunbeams,  and  whose  prattling  current  communicated  an  air  of 
bewitching  gayety  to  the  surrounding  landscape.  The  heart  of  the 
wayworn  traveller  beat  with  expectation ;  but  on  regarding  it 
attentively  in  its  course,  he  found  that  it  constantly  avoided  the 
embowering  shade  •,  loitering  with  equal  fondness,  whether  gliding 


SALMAGUNDI.  239 

through  the  rich  valley,  or  over  the  barren  sand; — that  the  fra 
grant  flower,  the  fruitful  shrub,  and  the  worthless  bramble  were 
alike  fostered  by  its  waves,  and  that  its  current  was  often  inter 
rupted  by  unprofitable  weeds.  With  idle  ambition  it  expanded 
itself  beyond  its  proper  bounds,  and  spread  into  a  shallow  waste 
of  water,  destitute  of  beauty  or  utility,  and  babbling  along  with 
uninteresting  vivacity  and  vapid  turbulence. 

The  wandering  son  of  the  desert  turned  away  with  a  sigh  of 
regret,  and  pitied  a  stream  which,  if  content  within  its  natural 
limits,  might  have  been  the  pride  of  the  valley,  and  the  object  of 
all  his  wishes.  Pensive,  musing,  and  disappointed,  he  slowly  pur 
sued  his  now  almost  hopeless  pilgrimage,  and  had  rambled  for 
some  time  along  the  margin  of  a  gentle  rivulet,  before  he  became 
sensible  of  its  beauties.  It  was  a  simple  pastoral  stream,  which, 
shunning  the  noonday  glare,  pursued  its  unobtrusive  course 
through  retired  and  tranquil  vales ; — now  dimpling  among  flowery 
banks  and  tufted  shrubbery ;  now  winding  among  spicy  groves, 
whose  aromatic  foliage  fondly  bent  down  to  meet  the  limpid  wave. 
Sometimes,  but  not  often,  it  would  venture  from  its  covert  to  stray 
through  a  flowery  meadow ;  but  quickly,  as  if  fearful  of  beirfg 
seen,  stole  back  again  into  its  more  congenial  shade,  and  there 
lingered  with  sweet  delay.  Wherever  it  bent  its  course,  the  face 
of  nature  brightened  into  smiles,  and  a  perennial  spring  reigned 
upon  its  borders.  The  warblers  of  the  woodland  delighted  to  quit 
their  recesses  and  carol  among  its  bowers ;  while  the  turtle-dove, 
the  timid  fawn,  the  soft-eyed  gazelle,  and  all  the  rural  populace,' 
who  joy  in  the  sequestered  haunts  of  nature,  resorted  to  its  vicinity. 
Its  pure  transparent  waters  rolled  over  snow-white  sands,  and 
heaven  itself  was  reflected  in  its  tranquil  bosom. 

The  simple  Arab  threw  himself  upon  its  verdant  margin  ; — he 
tasted  the  silver  tide,  and  it  was  like  nectar  to  his  lips; — he 
bounded  with  transport,  for  he  had  found  the  object  of  his  way 
faring.  "  Here,"  cried  he,  "  will  I  pitch  my  tent : — here  will  I 
pass  my  days ;  for  pure,  oh  fair  stream,  is  thy  gentle  current ; 
beauteous  are  thy  borders ;  and  the  grove  must  be  a  paradise 
that  is  refreshed  by  thy  meanderings!" 


Pendant  opera  interrwpta.  VIEO. 

The  work's  all  aback.  LDTK.  Fn>. 

"  How  hard  it  is,"  exclaims  the  divine  Con-futse,  better  known 
among  the  illiterate  by  the  name  of  Confucius,  "  for  a  man  to  bite 
off  his  own  nose !"  At  this  moment  I,  William  Wizard,  esq.,  feel 


240  SALMAGUNDI. 

the  full  force  of  this  remark,  and  cannot  but  give  vent  to  my  tri 
bulation  at  being  obliged,  through  the  whim  of  friend  Langstaff,  to 
stop  short  in  my  literary  career,  when  at  the  very  point  of  asto 
nishing  my  country,  and  reaping  the  brightest  laurels  of  literature. 
We  daily  hear  of  shipwrecks,  of  failures  and  bankruptcies ;  they 
are  trifling  mishaps  which,  from  their  frequency,  excite  but  little 
astonishment  or  sympathy  ;  but  it  is  not  often  that  we  hear  of  a 
man's  letting  immortality  slip  through  his  fingers  ;  and  when  he 
does  meet  with  such  a  misfortune,  who  would  deny  him  the  com 
fort  of  bewailing  his  calamity  ? 

Next  to  embargo,  laid  upon  our  commerce,  the  greatest  public 
annoyance  is  the  embargo  laid  upon  our  work ;  in  consequence  of 
which,  the  produce  of  my  wits,  like  that  of  my  country,  must  re 
main  at  home ;  and  my  ideas,  like  so  many  merchantmen  in  port, 
or  redoubtable  frigates  in  the  Potomac,  moulder  away  in  the  mud 
of  my  own  brain.  I  know  of  few  things  in  this  world  more  annoy 
ing  than  to  be  interrupted  in  the  middle  of  a  favorite  story,  at  the 
most  interesting  part,  where  one  expects  to  shine  ;  or  to  have  a 
conversation  broken  off  just  wrhen  you  are  about  coming  out,  with 
a  score  of  excellent  jokes,  not  one  of  which  but  was  good  enough 
to  make  every  fine  figure  in  corsets  literally  split  her  sides  with 
laughter.  In  some  such  predicament  am  I  placed  at  present ;  and 
I  do  protest  to  you,  my  good-looking  and  well  beloved  readers, 
by  the  chop-sticks  of  the  immortal  Josh,  I  was  On  the  very  brink 
of  treating  you  with  a  full  broadside  of  the  most  ingenious  and 
instructive  essays  that  your  precious  noddles  were  ever  bothered 
with. 

In  the  first  place,  I  had,  with  infinite  labor  and  pains,  and  by 
consulting  the  divine  Plato,  Sanconiathon,  Apollonius  Khodius, 
Sir  John  Harrington,  Noah  Webster,  Linkum  Fidelius,  and  others, 
fully  refuted  all  those  wild  theories  respecting  the  first  settlement 
of  our  venerable  country ;  and  proved,  beyond  contradiction,  that 
America,  so  far  from  being,  as  the  writers  of  upstart  Europe  de 
nominate  it,  the  new  world,  is  at  least  as  old  as  any  country  in 
existence,  not  excepting  Egypt,  China,  or  even  the  land  of  the 
Assiniboins  ;  which,  according  to  the  traditions  of  that  ancient 
people,  has  already  assisted  at  the  funerals  of  thirteen  suns,  and 
four  hundred  and  seventy  thousand  moons  I 

I  had  likewise  written  a  long  dissertation  on  certain  hiero 
glyphics  discovered  on  those  fragments  of  the  moon,  which  have 
lately  fallen,  with  singular  propriety,  in  a  neighboring  state  ; — 
and  have  thrown  considerable  light  on  the  state  of  literature  and 
the  arts  in  that  planet ; — showing  that  the  universal  language 
which  prevails  there  is  high  Dutch  ;  thereby  proving  it  to  be  the 
most  ancient  and  original  tongue,  and  corroborating  the  opinion 
of  a  celebrated  poet,  that  it  is  the  language  in  which  the  serpent 
tempted  our  grandmother  Eve. 

To  support  the  theatric  department,  I  had  several  very  judicious 
critiques,  ready  written,  wherein  no  quarter  was  shown  either  to 


\  VLMAGl'.MJl.  241 

authors  or  actors  ;  and  I  was  only  waiting  to  determine  at  what 
plays  or  performances  they  should  be  levelled.  As  to  the  grand 
spectacle  of  Cinderella,  which  is  to  be  represented  this  season,  I 
had  given  it  a  most  unmerciful  handling  :  showing  that  it  was 
neither  tragedy,  comedy,  nor  farce ;  that  the  incidents  were  highly 
improbable,  that  the  prince  played  like  a  perfect  harlequin,  that 
the  white  mice  were  merely  powdered  for  the  occasion,  and  that 
the  new  moon  had  a  most  outrageous  copper  nose. 

But  my  most  profound  and  erudite  essay  in  embryo  is  an  ana 
lytical,  hypercritical  review  of  these  Salmagundi  lucubrations; 
which  I  had  written  partly  in  revenge  for  the  many  waggish 
jokes  played  off  against  me  by  my  confederates,  and  partly  for 
the  purpose  of  saving  much  invaluable  labor  to  the  Zoiluses  and 
Dennises  of  the  age,  by  detecting  and  exposing  all  the  similari 
ties,  resemblances,  synonymies,  analogies,  coincidences,  &c.,  which 
occur  in  this  work. 

I  hold  it  downright  plagiarism  for  any  author  to  write,  or  even 
to  think,  in  the  same  manner  with  any  other  writer  that  either 
did,  doth,  or  may  exist.  It  is  a  sage  maxim  of  law — "  Ignorantia 
neminem  excusat" — and  the  same  has  been  extended  to  litera 
ture  :  so  that  if  an  author  shall  publish  an  idea  that  has  been  ever 
hinted  by  another,  it  shall  be  no  exculpation  for  him  to  plead 
ignorance  of  the  fact.  All,  therefore,  that  I  had  to  do  was  to 
take  a  good  pair  of  spectacles,  or  a  magnifying  glass,  and  with 
Salmagundi  in  hand  and  a  table  full  of  books  before  me,  to  mouse 
over  them  alternately,  in  a  corner  of  Cockloft  library :  carefully 
comparing  and  contrasting  all  odd  ends  and  fragments  of  senten 
ces.  Little  did  honest  Launce  suspect,  when  he  sat  lounging 
and  scribbling  in  his  elbow-chair  with  no  other  stock  to  draw 
upon  than  his  own  brain,  and  no  other  authority  to  consult  than 
the  sage  Linkum  Fidelius ! — little  did  he  think  that  his  careless, 
unstudied  effusions  would  receive  such  scrupulous  investigation. 

By  laborious  researches,  and  patiently  collating  words,  where 
sentences  and  ideas  did  not  correspond,  I  have  detected  sundry 
sly  disguises  and  metamorphoses  of  which,  I'll  be  bound,  Lang- 
staff  himself  is  ignorant.  Thus,  for  instance — The  little  man  in 
black,  is  evidently  no  less  a  personage  than  old  Goody  Blake,  or 
goody  something,  filched  from  the  Spectator,  who  confessedly 
filched  her  from  Otway's  "wrinkled  hag  with  age  grown  double." 
My  friend  Launce  has  taken  the  honest  old  woman,  dressed  her 
up  in  the  cast-off  suit  worn  by  Twaits,  in  Lampedo,  and  endea 
vored  to  palm  the  imposture  upon  the  enlightened  inhabitants 
of  Gotham.  No  further  proof  of  the  fact  need  be  given,  than  that 
Goody  Blake  was  taken  for  a  witch ;  and  the  little  man  in  black 
for  a  conjurer ;  and  that  they  both  lived  in  villages,  the  inhabitants 
of  which  were  distinguished  by  a  most  respectful  abhorrence  of 
hobgoblins  and  broomsticks ;  to  be  sure  the  astonishing  similarity 
ends  here,  but  surely  that  is  enough  to  prove  that  the  little  man  in 
black  is  no  other  than  Goody  Blake  in  the  disguise  of  a  white  witch. 
11 


242  SALMAGUNDI. 

Thus,  also,  the  sage  Mustapha,  in  mistaking  a  brag-party  for  a 
convention  of  magi  studying  hieroglyphics,  may  pretend  to  origi 
nality  of  idea  and  to  a  familiar  acquaintance  with  the  black-letter 
literati  of  the  east ; — But  this  Tripolitan  trick  will  not  pass  here ; 
— I  refer  those  who  wish  to  detect  his  larceny  to  one  of  those 
wholesale  jumbles,  or  hodge-podge  collections  of  science,  which, 
like  a  tailor's  pandemonium,  or  a  giblet-pye,  are  receptacles  for 
scientific  fragments  of  all  sorts  and  sizes.  The  reader,  learned  in 
dictionary  studies,  will  at  once  perceive  I  mean  an  encyclopaedia. 
There,  under  the  title  of  magi,  Egypt,  cards,  or  hieroglyphics,  I 
forget  which,  wiU  be  discovered  an  idea  similar  to  that  of  Musta 
pha,  as  snugly  concealed  as  truth  at  tbe  bottom  of  a  well,  or  the 
misletoe  amid  the  shady  branches  of  an  oak  : — and  it  may  at  any 
time  be  drawn  from  its  lurking-place,  by  those  hewers  of  wood 
and  drawers  of  water,  who  labor  in  humbler  walks  of  criticism. 
This  is  assuredly  a  most  unpardonable  error  of  the  sage  Mustapha, 
who  had  been  the  captain  of  a  ketch ;  and,  of  Bourse,  as  your  nau 
tical  men  are  for  the  most  part  very  learned,  ought  to  have  known 
better.  But  this  is  not  the  only  blunder  of  the  grave  Mussulman 
who  swears  by  the  head  of  Amrou,  the  beard  of  Barbarossa,  and 
the  sword  of  Khalid,  as  glibly  as  our  good  Christian  soldiers  ana 
thematize  body  and  soul,  or  a  sailor  his  eyes  and  odd  limbs.  Now 
I  solemnly  pledge  myself  to  the  world,  that  in  ah1  my  travels 
through  the  east,  in  Persia,  Arabia,  China,  and  Egypt,  I  never 
heard  man,  woman,  or  child,  utter  any  of  those  preposterous  and 
new  fangled  asseverations ;  and  that,  so  far  from  swearing  by  any 
man's  head,  it  is  considered,  throughout  the  east,  the  greatest  in 
sult  that  can  be  offered  to  either  the  living  or  dead  to  meddle  in 
any  shape  even  with  his  beard.  These  are  but  two  or  three  spe 
cimens  of  the  exposures  I  would  have  made ;  but  I  should  have 
descended  still  lower ;  nor  would  have  spared  the  most  insignifi 
cant  and,  or  but,  or  nevertheless  provided  I  could  have  found  a 
ditto  in  the  Spectator  or  the  dictionary ; — but  all  these  minutiae  I 
bequeath  to  the  Lilliputian  literati  of  this  sagacious  community, 
who  are  fond  of  hunting  "  such  small  deer,"  and  I  earnestly  pray 
they  may  find  full  employment  for  a  twelve-month  to  come. 

But  the  most  outrageous  plagiarisms  of  friend  Launcelot,  are 
those  made  on  sundry  living  personages.  Thus :  Tom  Straddle 
has  been  evidently  stolen  from  a  distinguished  Brummagem  emi 
grant,  since  they  both  ride  on  horseback ; — Dabble,  the  little  great 
man,  has  his  origin  in  a  certain  aspiring  counsellor,  who  is  rising 
in  the  world  as  rapidly  as  the  heaviness  of  his  head  will  permit ; 
mine  uncle  John  will  bear  a  tolerable  comparison,  particularly  as 
it  respects  the  sterling  qualities  of  his  heart,  with  a  worthy  yeo 
man  of  Westchester  county ; — and  to  deck  out  Aunt  Charity,  and 
the  amiable  Miss  Cocklofts,  he  has  rifled  the  charms  of  half  the 
ancient  vestals  in  the  city.  Nay,  he  has  taken  unpardonable  lib 
erties  with  my  own  person ! — elevating  me  on  the  substantial 
pedestals  of  a  worthy  gentleman  from  China,  and  tricking  me  out 


SALMAGUNDI.  243 

with  claret  coats,  tight  breeches,  and  silver-sprigged  dickeys,  in 
such  sort  that  I  can  scarcely  recognize  my  own  resemblance ; — 
whereas  I  absolutely  declare  that  I  am  an  exceeding  good-looking 
man,  neither  too  tall  nor  too  short,  too  old  nor  too  young,  with  a 
person  indifferently  robust,  a  head  rather  inclining  to  be  large,  an 
easy  swing  in  my  walk ;  and  that  I  wear  my  own  hair,  neither 
queued,  nor  cropped,  nor  turned  up,  but  in  a  fair,  pendulous,  os 
cillating  club,  tied  with  a  yard  of  nine-penny  black  riband. 

And*  now  having  said  all  that  occurs  to  me  on  the  present 
pathetic  occasion, — having  made  my  speech,  wrote  my  eulogy,  and 
drawn  my  portrait,  I  bid  my  readers  an  affectionate  farewell ;  ex 
horting  them  to  live  honestly  and  soberly; — paying  their  taxes,  and 
reverencing  the  state,  the  church,  and  the  corporation ; — reading 
diligently  the  bible  and  almanac,  the  newspaper  and  Salmagundi ; 
which  is  all  the  reading  an  honest  citizen  has  occasion  for ;  and 
eschewing  all  spirit  of  iaction,  discontent,  irreligion,  and  criticism. 
Which  is  all  at  present 

From  their  departed  friend, 
WILLIAM  WIZARD. 


Library 

• 

Oslifon**-^ 


NOTES. 


PAGE  8.—"  The  Town?  was  the  title  of  a  New  York  newspaper,  which 
devoted  especial  attention  to  theatrical  criticisms. 

P.  10.—"  Kissing  Bridge"— in  the  suburbs  of  New  York— so  called,  be' 
cause  the  beaux,  on  sleighing  parties,  here  exacted  a  kiss,  by  way  of 
toll,  from  their  fair  companions. 

P.  15.—"  The  color  of  Mr.  Jefferson's  ****."  President  Jefferson, 
with  a  strange  defiance  of  good  taste,  used  to  display  himself  on  levee- 
days  and  other  public  occasions  in  red  velvet  small-clothes. 

P.  16.—"  The  North  River  Society,"  was  supposed  to  be  an  association  of 
the  young  men  of  fashion,  with  little  talent  and  great  pretensions, 
whose  object  Avas  to  set  the  North  (or  Hudson)  River  on  fire. 

P.  22.— Pap's  Musical  Tree.  Michael  Paff,  a  noted  music-seller  and  con 
noisseur  of  old  pictures.  An  emblematical  device  was  suspended 
from  a  poplar  tree  in  front  of  his  shop  in  Broadway,  near  Park  place. 

P.  80.—"  Regiment  of  Tripolitan  Prisoners.'1'1  Several  Tripolitan  prison, 
era  taken  by  the  American  squadron  in  an  action  off  Tripoli,  were 
brought  to  New  York ;  where  they  lived  at  large,  objects  of  the  curi 
osity  and  hospitality  of  the  inhabitants,  until  an  opportunity  offered 
to  restore  them  to  their  own  country. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


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